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American Pie (1999) movie script

by Adam Herz.
Production draft, white revision: 7/7/98.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
shirts...pants...socks...and hear

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	Oooh, yeah.  Oh, baby, you're so good.

		JIM (O.S.)
	Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear.  Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
and out.  Bars scroll across it.  And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like --

		JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
	...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're
scrambled.  You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture.  We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
short, horny.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	Give it to me!  Yes!

		JIM
	Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed.  "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	Don't you love my sexy body?!

		JIM
	I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	You're so big!

		JIM
	Yeah, that's right.

		PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
		(deep macho voice)
	Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

		PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
	Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

		JIM
	Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM'S MOM enters.  Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow.  She's
oblivious to his doings.

		JIM'S MOM
	Hey, Jimmy.  I just wanted to say
	sweet dreams.

		JIM
	Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

		JIM'S MOM
		(leans in to Jim)
	Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted.  Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

		JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
	Is something wrong with the reception?

		JIM
	Yeah.  Damn cable.  There's this
	nature show that I'm trying to watch.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	Fuck me!  Yes!

		JIM
	Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

		JIM
		(choking)
	Must...be...broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

		JIM'S DAD
	What the heck is this?

		JIM
	Nothing!

		JIM'S MOM
	I think he's trying to watch one of
	the illegal channels.

		JIM
	Jesus, Mom!  They're not illegal!
	They're pay channels.  How could a
	television channel be illegal?!  God,
	get a clue!

		JIM'S DAD
	James, don't speak that way to your
	mother!

		PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
	Play with my hairy balls!

		JIM'S DAD
	Turn that garbage off!  Give me that!

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that's been covering Jim.  The pillow gets brushed
aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

		JIM'S MOM
	Oh my God!

		JIM'S DAD
	Honey, why don't you let me handle this
	one.

He ushers her out.  Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son.  Horrible, awful embarrassment.  A long,
strained beat.

		JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
	Jesus Christ.  The dictionary?  Hell,
	son, I'll buy you some dirty
	magazines.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head.  Jim sits agape,
humiliated.

		PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
	Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
To Be"

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

The front of the school.  KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior.  VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
"Vanderbilt" return address on it.

		KEVIN
	It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
	You got in.

		VICKY
	You think so?

She tears it open.  Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

		KEVIN
	"Dear Ms. Hughes.  We're sorry, but
	after keeping you on the wait list for
	the past couple months, we've decided
	you are now rejected.  Enclosed is a
	100-page, full-color brochure on how
	rejected you are."

		VICKY
	Kevin, this is serious!

		KEVIN
	You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert.  Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.

		VICKY
	I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
senior with a football-player build.  He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.

		OZ
	Illegal channels?  Shit, if there's
	any channel that should be illegal,
	it's whatever that women's channel is.
	Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
	shit.

		JIM
	Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
	Mermaid on TV the other night?  That
	Ariel, whew.

		OZ
	She's a mermaid, dude.

		JIM
		(trumping him)
	Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.

		OZ
	She's a cartoon, dude.

		JIM
	A hot cartoon.

		OZ
	Is there anything you don't jerk off
	to?

		JIM
	C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall.  Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again.  Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

		KEVIN
	Then she said -- she loves me.

		OZ
	Oh shit dude, the L-word!

		JIM
	And you said...

		KEVIN
	Nothing, I just hugged her back.

		JIM
	You think she was serious?

		KEVIN
	I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
	like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
	you Vanderbilt."

		OZ
	Just don't bring it up, hang low,
	maybe she won't mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

		MICHELLE
	And what we should do today, in band?
	Instead of playing our instruments
	regularly?  We should play them
	backwards!  That'll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end.  The guys
shudder.

		OZ
		(to Jim)
	You guys got the Latin homework?

		JIM
	No -- Kevin, you?

		KEVIN
		(offended)
	Please.
		(then)
	We're all golden, we're college bound.
	I figured it out -- I can get a c-
	minus in every class, and it's not
	gonna make a difference.  U of M, here
	I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

		VICKY
	Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.

		JESSICA
	Yeah right.

		VICKY
	What?  We both have cars.

		JESSICA
	Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
	about a post-high school, long-
	distance relationship, and you and
	Kevin haven't even done it yet.

		VICKY
	That's not why we're going out.

		JESSICA
	What the hell are you expecting him to
	drive to Vanderbilt for?  Milk and
	cookies?

		VICKY
	Jessica!  He'll drive there for me,
	and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
	We're going to have sex when he's
	ready and I'm ready.  It's got to be
	completely perfect.  I want the right
	place, the right time, the right
	moment.

		JESSICA
	Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
	launch, it's sex.  So did you do the
	physics write-up?

		VICKY
		(offended, a la Kevin)
	Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

		JIM
	There's our man.

		KEVIN
	Finch, you got the Latin homework?

		FINCH
	Non habeo.  Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring.  A beat.

		KEVIN
	Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall.  Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz.  Not really part
of the group.

		STIFLER
		(yelling)
	NOVA!!

		OZ
	Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.

		STIFLER
	You coming to party tonight,
	Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

		OZ
	Depends if my date wants to stop by.

		STIFLER
	That junior chick?

		OZ
	Nah, gave her the Heisman.  I'm
	working on something new.

		STIFLER
	Yeah right.  I got an idea for
	something new.  How 'bout you guys
	actually locate your dicks, remove the
	shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.

		OZ
	Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
	college chick!

		STIFLER
	Bullshit.  From where?

		OZ
	She works part-time at my dad's store.

		STIFLER
	Hah!  Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
	your dad works at her store.

		OZ
	Dude, he does not.

		KEVIN
	Really, Stifler.  He's the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

		STIFLER
	Hey, man, I'm not making fun.  I'm
	fuckin' impressed.  I mean, "Footlong
	or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
	some serious shit to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

		KEVIN
		(half-joking)
	Stifler, you're such an asshole.

		STIFLER
	Meyers, what's the deal with you and
	Vicky, anyway?  You've been going out
	since Homecoming and all she'll do is
	blow you?  Shit, I'd drop her like a
	steaming turd.

		FINCH
	Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
	stool?

		STIFLER
		(momentarily puzzled)
	I do when I'm throwing them at your
	mom, you damn freak.
		(then)
	Alright then, see you guys tonight.
	I'll look for you in the No Fucking
	section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback.  Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.  Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo.  INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	You called me to ask me how to get laid?

		KEVIN
	What was I gonna do, call dad?  I
	don't even know his number.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Just dial 976-Asshole.

		KEVIN
	Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
	might have some advice, brother to
	brother.  I mean, I think tonight she
	might, we might really, there's a
	chance that -- you know.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Have you ever heard of the bible?

		KEVIN
	What?  Not the Bible?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Well, that's not really the name, but
	we always called it that.

		KEVIN
	Does it tell me how to get laid?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	You know what, nevermind.  You're not
	ready.

		KEVIN
	Ready for what?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Whoop, you're fading out.  Good luck
	at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive.  Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays.  Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table.  They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.

		KEVIN
	You ever hear of something called The
	Bible?

		OZ
	Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.

		JIM
	Ooh, here's an easy one:  "Attractive
	SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
	seeks outgoing companion."
	Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.

		OZ
	"Fun loving" -- insane.

		KEVIN
	Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
	equals old.

		JIM
	No, "Charming" is old.  "Older" is
	really old.  "Youthful mind" is dead.

		FINCH
	Perhaps you should consider actually
	answering an ad.

		JIM
	Finch, you can be the one to date a
	nearly-dead insane chick.  Eat your
	damn imitation hot dog.

		FINCH
		("for the hundredth time")
	This is no imitation.  Removing the
	hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
	better dog.  Behold -- Ultradog, no
	dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog.  It's
all condiments.  The guys react with rehearsed offense.

		KEVIN
		(checks his watch)
	Alright...I'm shooting for a nine
	o'clock ETA.  Beer in hand by five
	after.

		JIM
	You can crash at Stifler's?

		KEVIN
	It's all good.
		(He pulls out some gum)
	Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of
Scope.  Gargles with it.  Spits it into his drink cup.

		OZ
		(repulsed)
	Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

		KEVIN
	You got something up your sleeve for
	tonight, Finch?

		FINCH
	A foolproof plan, my friend.  You
	shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded
by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the
Manfred Mann remake].

		OZ
		(sings along)
	And little hurly-burly came by in her
	curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed
	I ri-hide --

		KEVIN
	How the hell do you know all these
	random songs?

		OZ
	It's early Springsteen, dude, this is
	classic.  This was before the cheesy
	remake.

		JIM
	This was remade?  Into what?

		OZ
		(chiming in as the chorus hits)
	Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
	like a deuce, another runner in the
	night, blinded...

		KEVIN
	At least now I know what the hell
	they're saying.

		JIM
	So, does my hair look better --
		(flips a small lock of hair
		 onto his forehead)
	like this, or...
		(flips it back up)
	like this?

		OZ
	Who cares?

		JIM
	Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
	chick, she might be there tonight.
	Now, do you think she'd prefer --
		(flips hair down again)
	Cool Hip Jim...
		(flips it back up)
	or Laid Back Jim?

		KEVIN
	The difference is so phenomenal, I
	can't decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

		JIM
	What about you?  You're the one with
	the girlfriend and you're still
	stranded on third base.

		KEVIN
	You know, I've never got that shit.
	What exactly constitutes third base?

		OZ
		(holds up a couple fingers)
	Contact, dude.

		KEVIN
	Then where does a blowjob figure in?

They ponder this for a moment.

		OZ
	Shortstop.  'Course, you don't make it
	to third, and you're out.

		JIM
	So let's say you get there...what's
	uh, third base feel like?

		KEVIN
	Oh, man, that's kind of sad.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

		OZ
	Feels like warm apple pie, dude.

		JIM
	Apple pie...
		(then)
	McDonald's or homemade?

They just look at him.  Finch hops on his scooter.

		FINCH
	Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

For a high-school party, it's pretty good.  The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS.  MUSIC
blends with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers.  Around them, students
mingle and flirt.  CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

		SHERMAN
	What's up, fellas?

		JIM
	Hey Sherman.  Scopin' the babes.

		SHERMAN
	Indeed.  Some fine ladies here, boys.
	Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
	is high.
	Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
	strategic arsenal ready for
	deployment.

		JIM
	You've got something going?

		SHERMAN
	Did you see that Central chick?
	Brunette?

		KEVIN/JIM
	No.

		SHERMAN
	She's around.  Seems that she's taken
	a liking to me.  Fellas, it's time
	that she experienced -- The
	Sherminator.

		KEVIN
	Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

		SHERMAN
	I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
	back through time...to change the
	future for one lucky lady.

		KEVIN
	Yeah man, right on!

Sherman saunters off into the party.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
		(shakes his head)
	Hopeless.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS.  Jim spots NADIA across the room.
She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

		JIM
	Oh, shit!  There she is.  Nadia.

		VICKY
	You like her?  Her sponsor family
	lives on my block.  Why don't you talk
	to her?

		JIM
	What would I say?

		VICKY
	Just tell her what's on your mind.
	And smile, you've got a good smile.
		(then to Kevin)
	Come on.

		KEVIN
		(to Jim)
	Gotta go.

		JIM
	But --

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
sees Nadia approaching him.  He freaks.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Kevin, get back here!

But he's gone.  And Nadia is now in front of him.  With
no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

		NADIA
		(with a really sexy accent)
	You are in my English class, no?

Jim smiles.

		JIM
		(barely)
	Yes.

		NADIA
	I thought so.

Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid.  A beat.

		NADIA (cont'd)
	So you are having fun?

Jim nods, still smiling away.  Staring right through her
head.

		NADIA (cont'd)
	I said, you are having fun?

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat.  Jim is on mental
vacation.

		NADIA (cont'd)
	Me too.

A beat.  Jim's expression is now plasticized.  Eyes
vacant.  A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
confused.

		NADIA (cont'd)
	Well...I am going to get another beer.
	You want one?

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

		JIM
	No...you...go...ahead.

		NADIA
	Okay.

She walks off.  Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
huge burden is now off of him.  He wipes his brow.  Then,
realizing --

		JIM
	Oh, shit.  No!  Shit!

He pounds his head with his fist.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
Michelle.  Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
in disbelief.

		MICHELLE
	We're here for the party?

		STIFLER
	What party?  There's no party.

MUSIC blares from inside.  A drunken HAND reaches through
the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

		PARTY GUY (O.S.)
	Stiff-lerrr!  Par-tyyy!!

The hand disappears back into the house.  A beat.

		STIFLER
	Try the house down the street.

Stifler slams the door.  The dorks wait a moment.

		BAND DORK
	Ring the bell again.

		MICHELLE
	Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
	just go in.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

		VICKY
	Oh, Kev.

		KEVIN
	Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
	time for us to take the next step in
	our relationship?

		VICKY
	Tonight?

		KEVIN
	Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
	Isn't this how you've always pictured
	it?

		PARTY GUY (O.S.)
		(yelling)
	Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!

		PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
	You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
	Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

		KEVIN
	Or not.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

		VICKY
	Just relax.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK.  She's attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective).  They are
parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
Falls.

		OZ
	Great evening, isn't it?

		COLLEGE CHICK
	Sure.

		OZ
	There's something about the spring
	that's just cool.  Like the smell of
	fresh rain or something.

At this, she snuggles up to him.  Oz smiles confidently.

		OZ (CONT'D)
	Suck me, beautiful.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	What did you just say?

		OZ
		(not so confidently)
	Suck me...beautiful?

The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief.  She tries
to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	What?!

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
had the rug pulled from under him.

		OZ
	Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
	-- as in Casanova.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	You need some work, buddy!

She bursts into laughter.  Oz is ill.

		OZ
	Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.

Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	Look, Chris.  There are just some
	things you need to learn, that's all.

		OZ
	Like what?

She sees that he's lost.  Almost feels sorry for him.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	Alright, well...you've got to tone it
	down.  You don't need to go to Lookout
	Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
	romantic.

		OZ
	...okay...

		COLLEGE CHICK
	You have to pay attention to a girl.
	Be sensitive to her feelings.
	Relationships are reciprocal.

		OZ
	I'm not good in math.

She's trying not to laugh again.

		COLLEGE CHICK
	Come on, I'll drop you off at your
	friends'.

Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
Stifler, and some guys.

		STIFLER
		(hysterical, toppling over)
	You actually said that?!  Haaaah!!

		OZ
	Shut the fuck up.

		JIM
	Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

		OZ
	Oh that's really reassuring.  And
	don't call me Nova anymore.  I'm a
	fraud.

		STIFLER
	This is pathetic.  I'm gonna find me a
	little hottie.

Stifler strides into another room.

		STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
		(yelling)
	Suck me, beautiful!

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.

		VICKY
		(brief pause)
	Let me know.

		KEVIN
	Okay, don't stop.

She resumes.  A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
lose it.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
	Oh -- Now!

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
frantically searches for a receptacle.  He grabs a nearby
cup of beer.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg.  A fresh beer foams
out into the cup.

		GUY #1
	There we go.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt.  Kevin tentatively sets
down the beer and buttons his pants.  Suddenly the DOOR
BURSTS OPEN.  Stifler is standing there.  A coat hanger
sticks out of the doorknob.

		STIFLER
	SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

		KEVIN
	God dammit, Stifler!

		STIFLER
	Check-out time!  Please vacate the
	room.

		VICKY
	Stifler, you're such a jerk.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes.  Kevin runs after
her.

		KEVIN
	Vicky, wait!

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
CHICK behind him.  He closes the door.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
	God, I can't believe there are so many
	cool people at this party.

		STIFLER
	Yep.

		SOPHOMORE
	And you got a keg, too, wow.
		(realizing)
	Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
He hands it to her.

		STIFLER
	Here, babe.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
	Thanks.

She's about to take a sip.

		STIFLER
		(gazing into her eyes)
	You're really beautiful.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
	Really?

		STIFLER
	Uh huh.

She's totally enthralled.  Nervous, she raises the beer
again to take a sip.  Then Stifler moves in.  Takes the
beer from her and sets it down.  Starts kissing her.  She
breaks it off.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
	I don't know if I want to be doing
	this.

		STIFLER
		(sighs)
	Doing what?

Stifler looks inconvenienced.  He picks up the beer,
annoyed.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
	You know.  If we hook up, tomorrow
	I'll just be some girl you go telling
	all your friends about.

		STIFLER
		(shifty)
	No way.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

		SOPHOMORE CHICK
		(a little angry)
	Steve!  You could at least look at me
	when you say that.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
Lowers it.  Stares her in the eye.

		STIFLER
	Look...
		(searching, remembers)
	...Sarah.  I wouldn't go telling
	stories or whatever about you.  I
	promise.

Smiling, he raises the beer...

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

		JIM
	What the hell?  I should be able to
	talk to chicks.  I'm articulate.  I
	got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
		(starts listing off words)
	Copious.  Verisimilitude.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

		JIM (CONT'D)
		(unaffected)
	Intransigence.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs.  The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
running through the kitchen.  SCREAMING.  And
indeterminate stain is on her shirt.  She bolts out the
door and into the night.  A moment passes.

		JIM (CONT'D)
	Regurgitation.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet.  Jim and
a few other guys rush in.

		GUY #1
	Oh, gross.

		JIM
	Jesus, what did you eat?

Stifler just keeps hurling.  Kevin enters, holding the
remains of the tainted beer.

		KEVIN
	Stifler, how's the man chowder?!

Stifler barfs even more violently.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

		VICKY
	He likes it.

		JESSICA
	Of course he does.  What about you?
	Have you just never had one with Kevin
	-- or have you never had one, period?

		VICKY
	I think I've had one.

		JESSICA
	Well that's a no.  No wonder you're
	not psyched about sex.
		(starts filling Vicky's beer)
	You've never even had one manually?

		VICKY
	...I've never tried it.

		JESSICA
	Are you kidding?  You've never double-
	clicked your mouse?

Vicky shrugs.

		JESSICA (CONT'D)
	Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
	set me off.
		(noticing Nadia next to them,
		 she passes the tap along)
	Am I right or what, Nadia?

		NADIA
		(no bones about it)
	You are right.  The hands are not
	always necessary.

		JESSICA
		(to Vicky)
	See?

		NADIA
	In fact -- I should teach you my own
	special method.  I developed it myself
	at the ballet institute in Prague.
	You use nothing but the muscles of the
	inner thigh.

Nadia walks off.

		JESSICA
	No wonder she never pays attention in
	class.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
on the wall.  Very attractive, late 30's.

		JIM
	Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
	like this produced a guy like Stifler.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

		FRESHMAN GUY
	Dude!  That chick -- is a MILF!

		FRESHMAN GUY #2
	What the hell is that?

		FRESHMAN GUY
	M-I-L-F!  Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches.  Sherman
pokes his head out.

		SHERMAN
		(hushed, to guys)
	Don't you think you fellas could try a
	little tact?  I've got company.  Know
	what I mean?

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
Girl.  Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
dumbstruck.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

		KEVIN
		(snapping)
	Dammit!  If Sherman has sex before I
	do, I'm gonna be really fucking
	pissed.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

		KEVIN
	Man, I just gotta get laid already!
	This blowjob thing is bullshit!

He stops.  Vicky is there with Jessica.  Staring at him.
Vicky quietly grabs her purse.  Hurt.  OTHER STUDENTS
watch, silently.  Kevin doesn't know what to say.

		VICKY
	Jessica, can you drive me home?

		JESSICA
	Sure.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

		KEVIN
	Vicky, wait.

		VICKY
	Not for you.

The girls exit.  Nobody says anything.  Kevin is in
shock.

		PARTY GUY (O.S.)
	Yeti!  I am the Yeti!

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY

The next morning.  The party is long over.  Plastic beer
cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head.  He
stumbles over a body.  It's Kevin.

		KEVIN
	Ow, what the hell?

		JIM
	Sorry, I thought you were dead.

They walk over to the other side of the room.  Finch is
sitting on the couch.

		FINCH
	Good morning gentleman.

		JIM
	Finch!  Where were you last night?
	What happened to the foolproof plan?

		FINCH
	I thought a fashionably late entrance
	would enhance my appearance.
		(off their looks)
	When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
	over and the nymphs had left.

Oz wanders in, still sullen.  Takes a seat, sulking.

		KEVIN
	Feeling better, Oz?

		OZ
	I'm such a loser.

		KEVIN
	That's the spirit.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs.  It's the
CENTRAL GIRL.  She wears a "Central" sweatshirt.  Sherman
follows behind her.  The guys watch in disbelief as
Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

		SHERMAN
		(snippets of conversation)
	...I'll never forget...thank you.

The Central Girl smiles.  Notices the other guys
watching.  Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

		CENTRAL GIRL
	Bye.

She exits.  The guys are dumbfounded.  Jaws hang.
Sherman looks triumphant.  Strides over to the guys.

		JIM
	You did it.

		SHERMAN
	Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
	the boy.  I am now a man.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

		SHERMAN (CONT'D)
	I highly recommend you join the club.

		KEVIN
	I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
	you do that?

		SHERMAN
	It was just my time, fellas, it was
	just my time.  Best of luck to you,
	boys.

Sherman exits.  Silence.  The guys look like they just
lost the World Series on errors.  They slowly take seats,
ruined.

		KEVIN
	I put in months of quality time with
	Vicky.  Sherman meets a chick for one
	night and scores?  This is just wrong.

		OZ
	No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
	How the hell am I gonna become this
	Mr. Sensitive Man?

		JIM
	Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
	as virgins.  They've probably got
	special dorms for people like us.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
group.

		KEVIN
	Alright, I got an idea.  But it stays
	between us.  Agreed?

They do.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
	Okay.  It's really simple.  We
	make an agreement -- no wait, more
	than an agreement.

		JIM
	Like a bet?

		KEVIN
	No, a pact.  No money involved.  This
	is more important than any bet.  Now
	here's the deal: We all get laid
	before we graduate.

A beat

		OZ
	Dude, it's not like I haven't been
	trying to get laid.

		KEVIN
	This is different.  This is better.
	Think of when you're working out, Oz.
	You need a partner, someone to spot
	you.  Someone to keep you motivated.

Oz nods, getting into it.  Kevin smiles and continues,
arms outspread.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	That's what we are, we keep each other
	on track.  Prior to this day, we've
	postured.  We've procrastinated.
	We've pretended.  We've -- well I
	can't think of other p-words, but
	we've probably done them too.

		JIM
	Pontificated.

		KEVIN
		(ignoring him)
	Separately, we are flawed and
	vulnerable.  But together, we are the
	masters of our sexual destiny!

		JIM
		(kung fu voice)
	Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
	but our dragon style will defeat it!

		OZ
		(going on)
	The Sha-lin masters from east and west
	must unite!

		KEVIN
	Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
	fucking moment here.  Now think about
	it --

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	No longer will our penises remain
	flaccid and unused!  From now on, we
	fight for every man out there who
	isn't getting laid when he should be!
	This is our day!  This is our time!
	And, by God, we're not gonna let
	history condemn us to celibacy!  We
	will make a stand!  We will succeed!
	We will get laid!

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him.  One by one, the guys pile their hands on
top, in between them -- it's a pact!  They break with a
CHEER.  Woo-hoo!

		STIFLER
		(wandering down from upstairs)
	What the hell are you losers doing?

They all stop.  Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth.  A goatee of dried toothpaste.

		FINCH
	If I might ask, when you brush your
	teeth, do you spit or swallow?

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
and heads back upstairs.

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The guys are finishing up breakfast.  Hot dogs & eggs.

		KEVIN
	Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
	consensual sex.  No funny stuff.  And
	no prostitutes, if you were thinking
	about that, Finch.

Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
	last big chance.

		OZ
	Dude, prom sucks.

		KEVIN
	I know, but think about it -- At the
	parties that night.  Chicks are gonna
	want to do it.

		JIM
	Yeah, it's like tradition or
	something.

		KEVIN
	Right.  That gives us...

		JIM
	Exactly three weeks to the day.

They take this in with some trepidation.

		KEVIN
	Alright then.  It's official.  Any
	questions?

There are none.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
	To the next step.

The guys raise their drinks.

		ALL
	To the next step.

They toast.  And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
FOR SEX MONTAGE:

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
pages.  Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing.  Kevin dials.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
which Kevin takes.  They part ways.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion.  A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
pottery with little sponges.  Oz looks dubious.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is unpacking his lunch.  He carefully unfolds a
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed.  Other than
that, he's doing absolutely nothing.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
attached to his computer.  The computer screen reads, "E-
DATE:  We Make Love Happen."  As Jim fiddles with the
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE.  We see he's in the
"Religion" section.  Surrounded by piles of different
bibles.  No luck.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet.  He neatly snips
the end with scissors.  Then rolls the packet, like a
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
bit of mustard.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim is on his computer.  The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES."  Jim is nonplussed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
locker, holding their backpacks open.  Kevin holds a big
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
falls out.  He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

		JIM
		(shoving the rubbers into his
		 night table)
	Just a minute!

He opens the bedroom door.  Jim's Dad is standing there.

		JIM'S DAD
		(trying not to look inside)
	Can I come in?

		JIM
	Yeah, sure.

		JIM'S DAD
	You're not...busy?

		JIM
	Dad, come in.

Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

		JIM'S DAD
		(fatherly attempt)
	Sit down, Jim.  Let's talk.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

		JIM
	Okay.

		JIM'S DAD
	These are for you.  From father to
	son.

Jim looks at the bag.  Uncomfortable.  Hesitantly, he
takes it.  Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
PERFECT 10.

		JIM
	Uh...dad...

Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

		JIM'S DAD
	Go ahead son, there's more.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag.  Cringes.
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

		JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
	Now, that one's a little more...a
	little more...graphic.

		JIM
	I know, Dad.

		JIM'S DAD
	Oh, okay.  Here's let me show you.

Jim's Dad takes the bag back.  Pulls out a copy of
SHAVED.

		JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
	This, son, is your more exotic dirty
	magazine.

		JIM
	Dad!  I know!

		JIM'S DAD
	Do you know about the clitoris?

		JIM
		(through clenched teeth)
	Yes dad.

		JIM'S DAD
	Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
	locate.

		JIM
		(interrupting, hand up)
	Thank you, dad, I got it.

		JIM'S DAD
	Okay, well that about covers it.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

		JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
	Now, let's put these somewhere where
	your mother won't find them.

Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines.  He goes to open
Jim's night table.  Jim freaks.

		JIM
	Wait!

But it's too late.  Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics.  He sours.

		JIM'S DAD
		(beaten)
	I'll have to save this speech for
	another day.  I'm too worn out.

Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

		KEVIN
	Did you get the flowers?
		(no response)
	What about the poem?

She doesn't care.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
	Vicky, please don't do this.

Vicky stares him right in the eye.  Strong.

		VICKY
	I'll think about it.

She slams her locker and walks off.  Jessica is nearby.
She's overheard.

		JESSICA
	Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
	That's easy, she likes you.  What you
	need to do is learn to press a girl's
	buttons.  You gotta give her what
	she's never had.

		KEVIN
	What?

		JESSICA
	I'll give you a hint.
		(hot, orgasmic)
	"Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
		(flat)
	Comprende?

		KEVIN
	You mean...and orgasm?

		JESSICA
	You got it, stud.

		KEVIN
	Well...I'm pretty sure I've --

		JESSICA
		(interrupts authoritatively)
	No you haven't.

		KEVIN
	But that one time --

		JESSICA
		(shaking head)
	No.

		KEVIN
	Well of course I'd want to give her
	that.  I mean, what do you think, I
	don't care about her?

		JESSICA
	Do you?

		KEVIN
	Of course.

		JESSICA
	Do you love her?

Kevin squirms.

		KEVIN
	I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
	that.

		JESSICA
	Well, if you want to get her in the
	sack, tell her you love her.  That's
	how I was duped.

		KEVIN
	I don't want to dupe her, Jessica.  If
	I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.

		JESSICA
	Well it's up to you.  The Big L, or
	the Big O.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

		STIFLER
	Dickhead!  You gotta see this.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
Singing with the group is none other than Oz.  He's not
doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
vocal jazz girls.  Smiling at them, giving suave little
waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
auditorium, listening.

		JIM
	This is unexpected.

		STIFLER
	What did you cocks do to him?  Shit,
	if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
	kick Oz off the team on principle
	alone.

The song finishes.  Oz bounds up to the other guys.

		OZ
	Hey guys, you came to watch me in
	action?

		JIM
	Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.

		STIFLER
	I think you need your balls
	reattached.

		OZ
	Keep it down, dude.

		STIFLER
	What the fuck are you doing here?

		OZ
	This place is an untapped resource.
	Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
	girls are hot.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

		VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
	Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
	singing with us.

		VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
	Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
	his forehead.

		HEATHER
	I think he's got a nice voice.

		VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
		(ribbing her)
	Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
	him how to read.

Heather shakes her head.  BACK TO:

		STIFLER
	You dipshit, you're expecting to score
	with some goody-goody choir-girl
	priss?

		OZ
	Dude, watch me work.  They go for
	sensitive studs like me.

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
Kevin and Jim approach.

		KEVIN
	This is your plan, Finch?

		FINCH
	Yep.

He turns a page.  Skims the articles.  A beat.

		KEVIN
	This.  Right now.

		FINCH
	Uh-huh.

		JIM
	You're just gonna sit there and drink
	your coffee?

		FINCH
	Mochaccino.
		(then)
	Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
	do need to ask for your cooperation in
	one small matter.

		KEVIN
	Of course, Finch.  What?

		FINCH
	Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

		KEVIN
	What are we gonna hear?

		FINCH
	You'll see.  Gotta go.  Sixteen
	minute round trip.

		JIM
	Finch, don't you think it's about time
	you learned to take a dump at school?

		FINCH
	When was the last time you looked at
	the facilities here?

		KEVIN
	Fifteen minutes ago.

Finch shudders and walks away.  Kevin and Jim stand
there, dumbfounded.  An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

		ENTHRALLED GIRL
	Uh, guys?  Was that Paul Finch?

		KEVIN
	Yeah.

		ENTHRALLED GIRL
	You guys have like, seen him in the
	locker room, right?

		KEVIN
	Yeah.

		ENTHRALLED GIRL
	Is it true that he's really...huge?

		JIM
	I have no idea.  Finch showers in a
	bathing suit.

		KEVIN
		(forced)
	No -- it's true.  He is...really...
	big.

		JIM
		(loving it)
	Yeah, enormous.

		ENTHRALLED GIRL
	Woah.  Does he have a date for prom
	yet.

		JIM
	Definitely not.

		ENTHRALLED GIRL
	No way!

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
They all seem very interested.

		KEVIN
		(dumbfounded)
	Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
	he's got girls lining up already.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
	Say that again, Kevin?

		KEVIN
	Uh...I thought you might know a trick
	or something.  To make her, you
	know...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY

Kevin's brother is on his cell phone.  A SUSHI CHEF
prepares food behind the counter.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Orgasm?

The Sushi Chef looks up.  Kevin's Brother turns away.

		KEVIN
	Yeah.

		SUSHI CUSTOMER
		(to Kevin's Brother)
	What's good here?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

		KEVIN
	What?!  How do I do that?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	Uh -- forget that.  Look, is that all
	you're interested in?  Ways to get
	your girlfriend into bed?

		KEVIN
	Well, no.  I think...I guess it would
	be good to be able to return the
	favor.  I mean, it would be nice to
	know she enjoys things as much as I
	do.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	That's good, that's what I needed to
	hear.  Now you qualify.

		KEVIN
	Qualify for what?

		KEVIN'S BROTHER
	You've just inherited The Bible.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section.  He
carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
	It originally started as a sex manual,
	this book that some guys brought back
	from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
	What to do with your tongue, things
	like that.  And each year, it got
	passed on to one East student who was
	worthy of it.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
bibles on the bottom shelf.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
	After a couple years, guys started
	adding their own techniques.  Things
	they figured out themselves.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
shelf.  Pulls out a pocket knife.  Flips up the bottom of
the shelf.  Slides it out.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
	You have to keep it a secret, and
	return it at the end of the year.  So,
	now you know.  Good luck.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book.  Many extra pages of
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
the binding.  The original title is now obscured -- over
it, someone has written "The Bible."

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue?  It's
like that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out.  Reverently flips through
it.  Full of details.  Explicit diagrams.  Anecdotes.
And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page.  It's blank.  He lightly
runs his hand down the empty page.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
shoulder.

		JIM
		(yells)
	Mom?!  I'm home!

No response.  Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
fresh-baked pie on the counter.  Next to it is a note:
"Jimmy - Apple, your favorite.  I'll be home late.
Enjoy!  Love Mom."

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma.  Then stops...as
a quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
pie.  Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious.  We can see the gears in
his head start to turn.  He looks down at the pie like
it's... well, not a pie.

EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
His face drops, appalled.

		JIM'S DAD
	Jim?

		JIM
	It's not what it looks like!

						CUT TO:

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
the table.  Jim stares into his lap, humiliated.  Jim's
dad is crushed.  You've never seen such disappointment...
but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie.  It's decimated.
Mushed up, ruined...violated.

		JIM'S DAD
		(fighting back tears)
	I guess...we'll just tell your
	mother...that we ate it all.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late.  Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
book, we'd have a nation of geniuses.  He's scrutinizing
it.  Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
decipher cave paintings.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song.  Oz is singing
along, really making it look like he's into it.  He
closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm.  As
the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
number.  The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	What the hell was that?

		OZ
	Sorry.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	No, it was good.

		OZ
	Oh, well...
		(noticing Heather looking at
		 him, he acts "sensitive")
	It came from the heart.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	Well then keep it coming.
		(to everyone)
	Alright, people, good work!  Keep it
	up and we'll do great at the state
	competition.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

		HEATHER
	Not bad, Chris.

		OZ
		(surprised himself)
	Really?  Hey, thanks -- Heather,
	right?

		HEATHER
	Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
	Bobby McFerrin thing going there.

		OZ
		(no idea)
	Yeah.  Right, uh-huh.
		(then, back into it)
	I feel like I've discovered this whole
	new side of me.  Music is so
	expressive.

		HEATHER
		(amused)
	Okay.
		(then)
	I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
	supposed to be out, like, trying to
	decapitate someone with your lacrosse
	stick or something?

Oz "gets serious" at this.

		OZ
	Oh sure.  I know what people think.
	It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
	lacrosse player -- I also play
	football, by the way -- But that's
	like...not all that I am.

		HEATHER
	Of course, I didn't --

		OZ
		(cutting her off)
	I mean it really bothers me when
	people try to pigeonhole me like that.

		HEATHER
		(sparking to this)
	You?  You think I don't get that?
	God, it's like just because I don't
	get drunk and barf every weekend,
	people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
	shoes choir-girl priss."

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her.  And for
a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

		OZ
	Yeah...so like, what else do you do?

		HEATHER
		(offended)
	Well the same things you do.  Hang out
	with friends and stuff, you know,
	whatever.
		(then)
	What do you think I do?

		OZ
		(genuine)
	I just -- realized that I didn't know
	anything about you.  I was interested.

		HEATHER
	Oh...well that's okay.  Cool.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

Kevin is walking home with Vicky.  He's a couple paces
behind her, almost tagging along.

		KEVIN
	I was being selfish.  And majorly
	insensitive.  And I'm a total idiot.

		VICKY
	I think "shithead" really says it.

		KEVIN
	Yes!  I'm a shithead!  I'm a complete
	and total shithead!

She cracks a little smile.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	And I want to try to make it up to
	you.

		VICKY
	How?

Vicky stops walking.  Looks at Kevin.

EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY

Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
IN ECSTASY.

		VICKY (V.O.)
	Oh...ungghhhhh!

		KEVIN (V.O.)
	Shhhh.  Your parents are downstairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

		VICKY
	Oh Kevin -- don't stop!

		KEVIN
	Just a second!

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor.  Vicky's legs
are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed.  It's open to
a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."

Kevin resumes, out of frame.  Vicky goes nuts.

		VICKY (cont'd)
		(a little too loudly)
	Oh, God!

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow.  She squeezes it over
her face, moaning into it.

		VICKY (cont'd)
	Moly shmmmt!  Fmmkkkk!

Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
pulls out The Bible from under the bed.  Sets it next to
her.  He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
back again.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta.  On the fridge, we
see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

		VICKY'S MOM
		(yells to Vicky's Dad)
	Hon?  Can you tell Vick to come on
	down for supper?

VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper.  He gets
up with a GRUNT.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky can barely control herself.  She SCREAMS into the
pillow.

		KEVIN
	Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
	on your door.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY

Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy.  Groans.  Kevin
keeps referencing The Bible.  Whatever he's doing, it's
working.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is about to explode.  She pulls the pillow off her
face, gasping.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

		VICKY (O.S.)
	I'M COMING!

Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
downstairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
door.

		JIM
	Hey, dad.  Did you knock?

Jim's dad continues to study the picture.  A beat.  Then
he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

		JIM'S DAD
	Oh, Jim!  I'm looking at the ol'
	family portrait, here.  Yep.  It's a
	good one.

Jim can only shrugs in response.  He goes into the hall
and looks at the portrait.  A beat.

		JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
	Son, I wanted to talk to you about
	what I think you were trying to do the
	other day.

Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.

		JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
		(continuing with his prepared
		 speech)
	Now, you may have tried it in the
	shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
	not even known what you were doing.
	Or perhaps you've heard your friends
	talking about it in the locker room.

Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

		JIM
	Dad, please stop.  Please.  I'm sure I
	know what you're talking about.

		JIM'S DAD
	Sure you know, son, but I think you've
	been having a little problem with it.
	It's okay, though.  What you're doing
	is perfectly normal.  It's like
	practice.  Like when you play tennis
	against a wall.  Some day, there'll be
	a partner returning the ball.
		(a beat)
	You do want a partner, don't you son?

		JIM
		(through clenched teeth)
	Yes.

		JIM'S DAD
	That's great.  Now remember, it's okay
	to play with yourself.  Or, as I
	always called it --
		(elbows Jim)
	"Stroke the salami!"
		(chuckles)
	Ho-ho, Jim.  There's nothing to be
	ashamed of.  Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
	I still enjoy masturbating.  Uncle
	Mort masturbates.  We all masturbate.

Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
back into his room.  He SMACKS the doorframe.  Keeps
going, slamming the door behind him.  A beat.

		JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
	Poor guy thought he was the only one.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
East Great Falls is battling Central.  It's a rough game,
muddy, brutal.  We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
very tough.

On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up.  She's
watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's
agility and domination.  Oz runs up the field, cradling
the ball in his stick.  A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
check him.  Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.

Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL.  Heather
CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
each other.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

After the game.  Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
sidelines.  He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
snags him --

		COACH MARSHALL
	Good work, Ostreicher.

		OZ
	Thanks coach.

		COACH MARSHALL
	You're a killer, Ozzy!

		OZ
		(trying to get away)
	-- Thanks, coach --

FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
mud.

		  OZ
	Hey, what're you doing here?

		HEATHER
	Just enjoying my exhilarating first
	lacrosse experience.  You like,
	"kicked butt."

A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's
skirt.

		OZ
		(brushing it off her skirt)
	Whoops, excuse me...

Oz wipes the mud from his hands.  A beat.  Heather has
something to say that's not quite coming out.

		HEATHER
	Um...Chris --

		OZ
	You can call me Oz.

		HEATHER
	Do I have to?

		OZ
	You can call me Ostreicher.

		HEATHER
	What's your middle name?

		OZ
	Forget it.

		HEATHER
	Come on!  I won't tell.

		OZ
	Neither will I.

		HEATHER
	Okay.
		(pause)
	So I had this...thought, and...this
	may seem like it's out of left field,
	and I don't know if you can, but since
	I'm not going with anyone --

Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
excited.

		STIFLER
	Hah!  Central sucks!
		(noticing Heather)
	Choir Chick?  What the hell are you
	doing here?

		HEATHER
	Well, I uh, I was --
		(decides to stand her ground)
	I was asking Chris to prom.
		(turns to Oz)
	So do you wanna go?

Oz is surprised at her directness.  Impressed.

		OZ
	Yeah!

		STIFLER
	Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for
	the limo.

		OZ
	Stifler, fuck --
		(noticing Heather, "sensitive")
	...man, you don't have to be so
	insensitive.

A beat.

		STIFLER
	What??
		(he dismisses it)
	Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
	my cottage after prom.  On Lake
	Michigan.

Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

		OZ
	Alright, cool.  I gotta hit the
	showers, but...I think this'll be
	really good.

		HEATHER
	Yeah, me too, okay, cool.

They share a smile.  Then Heather walks off towards her
car.  Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
guys.

		STIFLER
	My man Oz, working it with the choir
	babes?

		LACROSSE BUDDIES
		(cheering, slapping him)
	Yeah, go Oz! etc.

Oz laughs, embarrassed.

		OZ
		(pandering to them)
	Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
	those cute little sweaters she wears.

		STIFLER
	I'll bet you do, you little horndog,
	she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies,
	right?

Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-
Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.

		STIFLER (CONT'D)
	Yeah!  Sing for me!  yes!

The other guys LAUGH.  Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
himself.  They all high-five.

And from the other side of the field, we see Heather
peering over at them.  Hardly believing it as Oz joins in
the laughter.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

English class.  The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.

		TEACHER
	So once Hal becomes king, he has to
	take on the responsibilities of
	leadership, and turn his back on his
	old, drunken friend, Falstaff.  You
	see, Hal was going through a rite of
	passage, much like you all are.  Make
	the most of the time you've got left
	together.  You'll miss it later.

Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in
one corner.

		OZ
	So does your tongue cramp up?

		KEVIN
	Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.

		JIM
	Wow, that's amazing, she's probably
	gonna want to do it soon.

Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS.  Sherman passes by.

		SHERMAN
	Still questing after the holy grail,
	eh guys?

He CHUCKLES and exits.  The guys stand up, exiting the
classroom.

		JIM
	Hey, where's Finch?

		KEVIN
	Went home to shit.

		JIM
	I don't get it.  How does a guy like
	that get this sudden reputation?

		OZ
	What reputation?

		KEVIN
	Observe.

He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
	Excuse me.  Do you know who Paul
	Finch is?

		RANDOM CUTE GIRL
	Of course!  Have you guys seen his
	tattoo?

		KEVIN
	...Yes?

		RANDOM CUTE GIRL
	Is it cool?  I heard it was like an
	eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.

		JIM
		(nods, loving it)
	Actually, it's an eagle and this big
	python.

		RANDOM CUTE GIRL
	Really?!

		JIM
	Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here,
	and the eagle -- the eagle is actually
	grasping the python in its talons, so
	the snake is like his --

		KEVIN
		(interrupting)
	That's good, Jim.

		RANDOM CUTE GIRL
	Woah, no way!  That guy is so cool!

She hurries off to tell her friends.  The guys exit the
classroom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS - CONTINUING

		OZ
	Okay, explain.

		KEVIN
	I can't, I have no idea how he's doing
	it.  And that leaves you trailing,
	Jim.  You gotta get your act together.

		JIM
		(a little aggravated)
	Yeah, I know.  I'm working on it.

Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in
front of him.  Jim says nothing.  Stuck.  Staring.  Oz
elbows him.  Jim gives a startled GRUNT.

		NADIA
	You are very good in the world history
	class, yes?

		JIM
		(gulps)
	Me?

Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
encouraging looks and gestures.

		JIM (CONT'D)
		(trying to decipher the guys'
		 signals)
	Yes.  No.  Yes.

		NADIA
	Perhaps you can help me with my
	studies?

The guys nod, "Yes!  Yes!"

		JIM
	Okay...that would be cool sometime.
		(sees the guys gesticulating)
	How 'bout tomorrow?

		NADIA
	Well, I do have ballet practice.
	Perhaps I can come by your house
	afterwards.  I can change clothes at
	your place?

		JIM
		(barely, overwhelmed)
	I suppose that would be okay.

Nadia walks off.  Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's
arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race.  They
pat him heartily in congratulations.

EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY

After school.  Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new
Saab.

		OZ
	Nice car.

		HEATHER
	I'm glad you think so.

		OZ
	You don't like it?

		HEATHER
	No, I like the car.
		(then, direct)
	By the way, though, about prom?  That
	was like a bad idea.  Sorry I invited
	you.

She hastily walks towards the school.

		OZ
	What?!

		HEATHER
	Oh, please.  I asked you because I
	thought you might actually be worth
	going with.  But you are just a jock.
	No wait.  You're a jerk.

		OZ
	What?  No I'm not.

		HEATHER
	I saw you making fun of me with your
	lacrosse buddies.

		OZ
	I wasn't making fun of you.

		HEATHER
	Give me a break, you're so full of it.

She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
school.  After a moment, he slowly heads in.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER

Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite
ends of the room.  It's a pop, contemporary arrangement
of "HOW SWEET IT IS."  It sounds jazzy, cool.

Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him.  He
sings along, distant.  Heather, almost defiantly, sings
clearer and better than ever.  Oz watches her, though she
never looks his way.  At the bride of the song, Heather
breaks into a solo.  She sings beautifully.  Oz is
hooked.

The Choir Teacher halts the song.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
	want to thicken up that solo.
	Michigan State is this Saturday, and I
	want that part to smoke.

		HEATHER
	I know, my timing's off.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	A little, but I think it'll work
	better as a duet.  With a tenor part.

		OZ
		(interrupting)
	I'll do it.

A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather
looks indifferent.

		OZ (CONT'D)
	I'll do it.

		CHOIR TEACHER
	Okay then.  The rest of you okay with
	that?

The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
skepticism.

		CHOIR TEACHER (CONT'D)
	Great.  See you tomorrow.

The group starts packing up.

		HEATHER
		(annoyed)
	Why are you doing this?

		OZ
	Because I want to.

		HEATHER
	Yeah?  Well you can't fake your way
	through this.  You better practice.

She leaves.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY

Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.

		STIFLER
	Fuck me!  You're gonna have a naked
	Eastern-European chick in your house,
	and you're telling me you're not gonna
	take advantage of that?

		JIM
	What am I gonna do, broadcast her over
	the internet?

		OZ
	You can do that?

		JIM
		(off their looks)
	Oh -- no way.  I can't do that to her.

		STIFLER
	Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
	If you don't have the guts to
	photograph a naked chick in your room,
	how are you ever gonna sleep with one?
	Now all you gotta do is set up some
	sort of private link or whatever on
	the net, and tell me the address.

The guys ponder this.

		KEVIN
	You can send me the address too.

		JIM
	Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how
	the hell am I gonna watch?

		KEVIN
	I'll save you a seat.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.
The computer BINGS.

		COMPUTER VOICE
	"You have established an internet
	connection."

Jim sits.  Types a quick E-mail.  It reads:  "OH YEAH!
128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision.  ENJOY!"

Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.
Highlights a listing.  Clicks "Send."

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer.  Kevin is
unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.

We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen.
It's a little strobed, but easily watchable.  Suddenly
Jim's face pops into frame.  He's adjusting the camera.

		KEVIN
	There we go.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

We see the same image on Jim's screen.  Jim turns off
just the monitor.  It looks like the computer is off --
the ruse is undetectable.

Jim's dad enters with Nadia.  She's in sweats and a
leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder.  Jim's
dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.

		JIM'S DAD
	Son.  This lady's here for you.

		JIM
		(like it's no big deal)
	I know.  Hey Nadia.

		NADIA
	Hello James.  Ready to study.

		JIM'S DAD
	Oh, you bet he is.  Jim's quite the
	bookworm.

		JIM
	Dad.

		JIM'S DAD
	Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
	He's a good little kid.  Er, guy.
	Man.

		JIM
	Dad!!

		JIM'S DAD
	Okay, okay.  I'll let you hit those
	books.

Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
	Steve!  Steve!  It's my computer and I
	wanna use it!

		STIFLER
	Shut up and watch this, you might
	learn something.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

		JIM
	So you need to change, right?

		NADIA
	Do you mind?  This fabric is so
	uncomfortable.

She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.

		JIM
	No, go right ahead and get dressed.
	I'll just be downstairs, studying up.
	Get me when you're ready.

Jim exits, closing the door behind him.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

		KEVIN
	Here we go.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

He's off!  Jim sprints down the hall.  Thunders down the
stairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs.  Jim bolts
through the room.

		JIM
	Be back in a sec!

He practically crashes through the door on his way out.

		JIM'S MOM
	Jim?  Honey, where are you going?

She turns and looks at her husband.  Both perplexed.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUING

Jim runs like hell.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.

		KEVIN
	Want a beer?

Finch simply waves off the question.  He's glued to the
screen.

Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

		JIM
	Did I miss anything?!

		KEVIN
	Just in time.

Jim grabs a seat by the computer.  All three guys watch,
transfixed.  Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

		JIM
	Woah!

Nadia's leotard is off.  Bra and panties.  Outstanding
body.

INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.

Nadia pauses.  Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.
Admiring her body.

		KEVIN
	Oh, man!  This is incredible.

And...yes!  Nadia peels off her sportsbra.  Supple
breasts.  The guys are awestruck.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	I can't believe Oz had to work.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area.  He
sighs, leafing through some sheet music.  It's as quiet
and boring as can be.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
	This is like the coolest thing I've
	ever seen.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

		JIM
	Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
	day.

Nadia still primps in the mirror.  Then she looks around.
Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's
night table.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Hey!  You can't touch my stuff!

Nadia opens the night table.  Stops.  Jim flushes.  Nadia
delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Oh no no no.

She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

		KEVIN
	Nice collection there, Jim.

Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE.  Starts thumbing through it.
She sits on Jim's bed.  Lingering on some pages.  Getting
aroused.

		JIM
	Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --

Welcome to every man's fantasy.  Nadia's hand wanders
into her panties.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Gentlemen, I'd like to make an
	announcement.  There is a gorgeous
	woman masturbating on my bed.

The guys watch, completely blown away.  Nadia's lost
herself.

		KEVIN
	You know, Jim...you could go back
	there...and...

		FINCH
		(nodding)
	Seduce her.

		JIM
	But, but -- what would I do?

		KEVIN
	Anything!  Just tell her it looks like
	she needs an extra hand or something.

		JIM
	That's stupid.

		KEVIN
	No, you're stupid.  Get going!  Right
	now!  She's primed!

		JIM
	Oh...oh...oh, shit!

He BOLTS across the room.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim sprints across the lawn.

EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim leaps over a row of bushes.  Wipes out.  Gets up and
keeps running.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
parents.

		JIM
	Hey mom hey dad!

He rushes up the stairs.  Jim's Dad looks hopeful.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath.  He can
hear FAINT MOANING from inside.  He's hesitating.

		JIM
	Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

		KEVIN
	Come on, Jim.  Where are you?

The PHONE RINGS.  Kevin answers.

		KEVIN (cont'd)
		(into phone)
	Hello?  Hey Sherman...what?!  How did
	you know?

INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Sherman sits in front of a computer.

		SHERMAN
		(into phone)
	Jim must've addressed that E-mail
	wrong.  It went out to every mailbox
	in the East High directory.  God, how
	juvenile.

INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer.  Watching
NadiaVision.  Mouth open.  Braces shining.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page.  A LITTLE MONKEY
hops around in a cage.

		STONER #1
	Whoa.

		STONER #2
	Kind.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim still waits outside his bedroom door.  Takes a deep
breath.  Looks upwards to the sky.

		JIM
	Please, God.  Let this be it.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN
	He's going in!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

		GUY #1
	There's somebody going in there!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

		STONER #1
	Hey, that guy's in my trig class.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim stands there, bewildered.  Nadia hasn't noticed him,
eyes closed, still pleasuring herself.  Jim stands there,
watching, faltering.  Gathers his courage.  Finally, he
rolls his eyes and says --

		JIM
	Looks like you could use an extra
	hand.

Nadia's eyes flash open.

		NADIA
		(chastising)
	James!  You have come in here on
	purpose?!

		JIM
	Well...uh...

		NADIA
	Shame on you!

		JIM
	Uh...yeah...sorry.

		NADIA
	Well.  You have seen me.  Now it is my
	turn to see you.  Strip.

		JIM
	Strip?

		NADIA
	Yes, slowly.

Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

		JIM
	You mean like, strip strip?

		NADIA
		(irresistably sexy)
	For me?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

		FINCH
	What do you suppose they're saying?

		KEVIN
	No idea.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio.  Turns it on.  We
hear COUNTRY MUSIC.  She flips the dial, and we hear A
FEW STATIONS FLIP BY.  Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

		NADIA
	Perfect.

She turns to Jim.

		JIM
	Uh...

		NADIA
	Move with the music.

		JIM
	Um...okay...

He struts clumsily back and forth.  Takes his shirt off.
Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of
it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

		NADIA
	No, no, you must put your whole body
	into it.

		JIM
	Nadia, I can't --

		NADIA
	Can't what?  Do you not want to be
	with me?  I wish to be entertained,
	James.

Jim nods eagerly.  Concentrates on the music...as we see
the shirt slide off the camera.  Jim starts writhing to
the beat.  Like a hyperactive chicken.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

		STIFLER
	What the fuck is this?

INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

		SHERMAN
	The horror, the horror.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is into it now.  Possibly the worst dancer in the
world.  No rhythm.  No soul.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

		STONER #2
	God, what a buzzkill.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

		GIRL IN BEDROOM
	Work it, baby!

The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

		NADIA
		(turned on)
	More sexy, Jim, more sexy.

Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding.  He does some
pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
around his chest and neck.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

		DISINTERESTED GIRL
	He's no Paul Finch.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

		FINCH
	This is truly revolting.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
back, in his boxers and shorts.

		NADIA
		(getting really turned on)
	More, more, you bad boy!

Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to
the computer.

		GUY #1
	Ugh...God...

INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING

		NADIA
	Now!  Hames, come to me.

		JIM
	Oh yeah!

Jim dances over to her.  She pulls him onto the bed.
Kisses his neck.  Takes his hand.  Places it on her
thigh.

		NADIA
	Be gentle.

Jim GULPS.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN
	Ho-lee shit.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

		STIFLER
	This just got a hell of a lot better.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg.  She does the same to
him.  Blows in his ear.  Her hand is about to enter his
shorts.

And Jim is done.  Bang.  That's it.

He looks down at himself in terror.  Nadia sees.  Backs
away.

		NADIA
	Jim...

		JIM
	Oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN
	Oh no.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

The stoners look...well, stoned.

		STONER #1
	Bummer.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
	What happened?!  What happened?!

		STIFLER
	He blew it.  Literally.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Nadia is getting dressed.

		NADIA
	You are done, James.  Perhaps I should
	be going now.

		JIM
	No, no, I'm not done!  I've got
	reserves!  Nadia, please please
	please.  I'm begging you.

She sees the desperation in his eyes.  Thinks about it.
Smiles.

		NADIA
	I do like your dirty magazines.

Jim digs into the stack of pornos.  Grabs SHAVED.

		JIM
	Did you see this?  This is your more
	exotic dirty magazine.

		NADIA
	Yes...James, it is knowing that these
	beautiful women arouse you that
	arouses me...

		JIM
	Oh yes.  Very arousing women.  They
	arouse me very much.  But not as
	arousing as you.

She goes for this line.  Gives in.

		NADIA
	Oh Jim...

She grabs him.  Starts caressing his body.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN/FINCH
	Yes!!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

		STONER #1
	Alright, dude!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

		GUY #1
	He's re-engaging!

A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Groping.  They're tangled in each other.  Nadia backs off
for a moment.  Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in
the sides of her panties.  Starts sliding them down.

		NADIA
	So, "shaved" is the expression?

CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out.  Yep, it is, and she
is.

		JIM
		(mutters)
	Holy shit.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN
	Holy shit!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

		ALL THE GUYS
		(unison)
	HOLY SHIT!

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is stuck.  Staring at Nadia.  She moves towards him.
Nadia is inches from his face.

		NADIA
	Touch me Jim...here.

Jim is trembling, straining with himself.  A shudder runs
through him.

And it's over, again.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

The girls are LAUGHING again.

		GIRLS
	Again?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

		KEVIN
	Not again.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

		JIM
	No, not again.

		NADIA
		(sighs)
	I am sorry, Jim.  I suppose we will
	not be doing any studying now.

		JIM
	No!  I've got...reserve reserves!

Nadia starts getting dressed.  Jim is whimpering.

		NADIA
	It is too bad.  I was at first hoping
	you would ask me to the prom.  But...

She gathers her things.  Eyes Jim over.

		NADIA (cont'd)
	You should change your shorts.

		JIM
	...okay.

Jim is stunned.  Ruined.  Nadia exits.  CLOSE on Jim's
tormented face as we hear...

		COMPUTER VOICE
	"You have lost your internet
	connection.  Click 'okay' to
	reconnect."

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed.  A
COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling.  He trudges
along...noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he
passes by...and Stoner #1 giving him a peace sign...and
the Computer Nerd staring at him like a celebrity......
Jim's pace slows.  He hears a SNICKER behind him...he
slows even more, taking very careful steps...as he sees a
GIRL doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out
as he sees that, yes, it's his dance.  He stops.  ALMOST
EVERYONE is staring at him.  Jim pulls his coat up over
his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive
avoiding the media.  People APPLAUD and LAUGH.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim.  Here and there, people
still give Jim funny looks.

		KEVIN
	Hey, minuteman.

		JIM
	Shut up.  You're supposed to be
	supportive.

		OZ
	You've still got a chance with Nadia,
	right?

		JIM
	No.  Her sponsors here saw the thing
	on the net.  I don't think they liked
	it.

		KEVIN
	How do you know that?

		JIM
	She's already on a plane back home.

Kevin winces.

		JIM (cont'd)
	You know, maybe I'm just not good with
	girls, period.  Like I was born
	without that part of the brain.  I
	mean, I can't talk to girls.  And when
	I do talk to them, I screw it up.

		KEVIN
	Yeah?  Well come prom night, those
	excuses aren't going to do you much
	good.

		JIM
	Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.

A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks
by.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

Jim sits, waiting for class to start.  Miserable.  Some
students are obviously talking about him in the
background.  Others study and chat.

Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that
we've seen earlier.  She's got a flute case on her desk.
She's blabbering to Jim.  The kind of blabbering where
every other sentence sounds like a question, even though
it isn't.

		MICHELLE
	And so, one time?  I was at band camp?
	And we weren't supposed to have pillow
	fights?  But we had a pillow fight!
	And it was so much fun!

Jim couldn't care.

		MICHELLE (cont'd)
	And one time, we all lost our music?
	And we were supposed to play this
	song?  But we didn't know it.  So we
	just made it up!  And we kept playing
	and playing but the conductor didn't
	know what we were doing and it was so
	funny!

Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.

		MICHELLE (cont'd)
	So you're pissed about something, huh?
	You know what I do when I'm angry?  I
	just play some Bach on my flute.  It's
	so relaxing.  I learned to do that at
	band camp.

Jim perks up the slightest bit.

		JIM
	Hold on.  You have no idea why I'm
	angry?

		MICHELLE
	Is it because we have a test tomorrow?
	Sometimes I get cranky when I know I
	have a big test to study for.

		JIM
	Yeah, that's pretty much it.

		MICHELLE
	I thought so.  Because, one time?  I
	was at this --

		JIM
		(interrupting)
	What was your name again?

		MICHELLE
	Michelle.

		JIM
	Okay.  Michelle, do you want to be my
	date for the prom?

		MICHELLE
	Really?  You seriously want to go with
	me?

		JIM
		(so forced)
	Yes.  Seriously.

		MICHELLE
	Are we going to Steve Stifler's party
	afterwards?  That would be so cool.

		JIM
	Whatever you want.

		MICHELLE
	Cool!  We're gonna have so much fun!
	It's like this one time, at band
	camp...

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER

Heather is walking down the hall.  She turns to go into
the Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the
door she sees Oz.  She stops.

Oz is singing, working through the solo.  Determined to
get it right.  He bounces his lacrosse ball off the
floor, in rhythm, keeping time.  There's one point that
he keeps getting stuck at and going back over.  Heather
watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually
putting his heart into it.  Finally he's frustrated --

		OZ
	Dammit!

He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall.  Heather recoils,
still watching, unseen by Oz.  After a moment, Oz cools
off.  He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again.
Heather is impressed.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on,
rubbing her shoulders.

		KEVIN
	You're not doing the extra credit
	problems.

		VICKY
	No, I'm not.  I'm writing a sequence
	of random numbers that look like I'm
	doing the extra credit problems.  Mr.
	Bender doesn't bother to check
	homework past April.

		KEVIN
	That's my trick!

		VICKY
	It's everyone's trick, Kevin.
		(she turns to him)
	But I did pick it up from you.

She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with
her work.  Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.

		KEVIN
	We've come a long way since
	Homecoming.

		VICKY
		(playful)
	Yeah, we have.  You corrupted my four-
	point into a three-nine-five.

		KEVIN
	Indeed I did.  But, our relationship.
	It's progressed a lot.  It's time for
	us to...express ourselves in new ways.

Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk,
facing him.  Her mood has shifted, more romantic.

		VICKY
	Like how?

		KEVIN
	Well, I feel that...things are getting
	to that point in a relationship.
	When two people share...a special
	moment between them.

		VICKY
	I think you're so right, Kevin.

		KEVIN
		(pause)
	You want to do it?

		VICKY
	Yes --

She takes his hand.  Readies herself, and declares.

		VICKY (CONT'D)
	I love you.

Kevin falters.  This is definitely not what he was
expecting.  He's caught.  Trying to formulate a response.

		VICKY (CONT'D)
	Kevin?  Do you not love me?

		KEVIN
	No, I don't not love you.  I like, I
	know that we've definitely got
	something between us.  Something good.
	Something special.

		VICKY
	But you don't love me.

		KEVIN
	I didn't say that.  I mean, love, it's
	like a term that gets thrown around.
	People say things, they get married,
	have kids, and then what?  It's like
	they call it off, going "I was wrong."

A beat.  Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.

		VICKY
	Kevin...you're not your dad.  The two
	of us, we're not your parents.

		KEVIN
	I know, Vick.  I'm just not ready yet,
	okay?

		VICKY
	Okay.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

Oz is closing up the store.  He looks up to see Heather
at the door.  Oz goes and opens it, surprised,
embarrassed.  The air is awkward between them.

		HEATHER
	Hi...

		OZ
	How did you know I was here?

		HEATHER
	Stifler told me.

		OZ
	You talked to Stifler?

		HEATHER
	Well...I needed to find you.  We are
	gonna have to practice that song.

		OZ
	...okay.  Cool then.  I'm um, I'm glad
	you came by.  I mean, really.

She smiles.  Oz lets her in.

		HEATHER
	So you like, work nights?

An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

		OZ
	Uh...my dad's the manager.

		HEATHER
	Really?  Cool.  Tell him his subs are
	great.

		OZ
	Ah, he's always too heavy on the
	vinegar.  If you really want a good
	one, you gotta let me make it.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Oz is behind the counter.  Heather walks down the other
side as Oz assembles a sub.

		OZ
	My dad's always here running the
	store, busy and stuff...and I fill in
	once a week so he can get a night off.

		HEATHER
		(pause)
	That's nice.

		OZ
		(shrugs)
	So you're going to Michigan?

		HEATHER
	Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go
	to Northwestern.  I didn't want to
	write all those extra essays they make
	you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to
	know what my "most emotionally
	significant moment" was?  So when my U
	of M acceptance came in December, I
	said the hell with it.

		OZ
	Onions?

		HEATHER
	What?

		OZ
	You want onions?

		HEATHER
	Oh, yeah.  So what're you gonna major
	in?

		OZ
	Well, State's got a good business
	school.  And I can probably walk onto
	the lacrosse team.  Green peppers?

		HEATHER
	Yeah.  So wow, you've got it figured
	out.

		OZ
		(dismissive)
	Well, I mean, business is okay, and
	lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
	gonna be, a pro lacrosse player?  I
	really have no idea.

		HEATHER
	Oh thank God, I thought I was the only
	one.

		OZ
	Well, you're not.  Oil and vinegar?

		HEATHER
	Yeah.  You know, people are always
	like, "What're you gonna major in?"
	And I don't know.  And they're like,
	"You'll figure it out."  Yeah?  When?

		OZ
	I know.  Salt and pepper?

		HEATHER
	Sure.

Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
tray.

		HEATHER (CONT'D)
	So we're gonna be close next year?

		OZ
	You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East
	Lansing and Ann Arbor.

		HEATHER
		(smiles)
	...yeah.

A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.

		OZ
	Wanna swap your chips for cookies?

EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER

The remains of a couple subs are on a table.  Oz and
Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're
working through it.  And when they're in sync, they sound
really good together.  We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing
into the night.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY

A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	I'm sorry, I really can't go with
	you...I'm holding out for someone
	else.

		STIFLER
	You gotta be fucking kidding.

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	I know it's a long shot, but I figure
	Paul Finch might ask me.

		STIFLER
	FINCH?  SHITBREAK?!!

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look
	okay...I mean you can't even tell...

Flustered, she heads down the stairs.  Stifler, entirely
confused, heads off into the second floor.  As the Girl
Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with
her.

		KEVIN
	Hey...what was that all about?

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	He's still embarrassed because Finch
	kicked his ass.  Knocked out a tooth,
	but you can't see it.

		KEVIN
	Right, and who told you that?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Kevin is talking to GRETA.  She points offscreen.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK.  Taking notes.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY

Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL.  We see that his
notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked
with arrows.  They all point to one girl's name in the
center of the page -- Jessica.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

		JESSICA
	No comment.

		KEVIN
	No comment?!  Are you kidding me?!
	I've never seen someone's image change
	so...so drastically!

		JESSICA
	Thanks.  It was my idea.

		KEVIN
	Did you guys hook up or something?

		JESSICA
	Are you kidding?  No.

		KEVIN
	Then what the hell are you talking
	about?

		JESSICA
	Well...I guess it's okay for me to
	tell you now.  That reputation of his
	isn't going anywhere.
		(then)
	Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica,
	I need help with this, blah blah,
	etcetera."  So I told him, pay me two-
	hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple
	girls that you're dynamite in bed.  So
	he did, and I did.

		KEVIN
	I don't get it, that really works?

		JESSICA
	Duh.  Of course.  Naturally, I
	embellished a little bit.  Hey, did
	you hear that Finch had sex with an
	older woman?

Kevin is speechless.

		JESSICA (CONT'D)
	No?  Damn, that one was my favorite.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY

Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
FALLS LACROSSE CHANT.  They exit frame, and we remain on
the showers, to hear --

		OZ
		(singing happily)
	...I needed the shelter of someone's
	arms...there you were -- woo-hoo-
	hoo...

He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
Stifler.

		OZ (CONT'D)
		(still singing)
	...I needed someone to understand my
	ups and my downs, oh baby there you
	were...

Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

		STIFLER
	Oh my fucking God.  You're gay.

		OZ
		(cheery)
	Come on, you know the words, sing
	along.

		STIFLER
	No thanks, you've been singing that
	shit all week.  If you try that at MSU
	this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't
	know you.

Oz stops.

		OZ
	Our last game is this Saturday.

		STIFLER
	No shit.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER

Heather is studying outside.  Oz stands before her,
breathless, his hair still wet.

		OZ
	...I've got this lacrosse game.  It's
	really important, it's our last game.
	And you know, Central almost beat us
	last time, so I really want to kick
	their ass, and it's like cool because
	we're gonna get to play at State,
	which means that after the game I
	might be able to stop by...

		HEATHER
		(pause)
	You can't sing at the competition.

		OZ
	I'm sorry, I totally spaced.  I
	just...I didn't realize it...

		HEATHER
		(upset but trying to be cool)
	...it's okay, you should do whatever
	makes you happy.

		OZ
	Alright...yeah...thanks for
	understanding.
		(a beat)
	So I guess...I'll see you later.

An uncomfortable moment.  Oz walks off.  Heather looks
let down.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class.  Stifler
comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

		STIFLER
	Kevin!  You seen Shitbreak lately?

		KEVIN
		(immediately sensing danger)
	Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?

		STIFLER
	Me?  Nothing.  I'm the one whose ass
	he kicked.
		(off Kevin's look)
	I'll tell you one thing, though.  I
	don't think he's gonna have a problem
	shitting in school anymore.

Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper.  Kevin
comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

		KEVIN
	Finch!  Get to the bathroom!  Now!

		FINCH
	Easy, tiger.  What's in there?

		KEVIN
	Just go!

		FINCH
	Why is this?

		KEVIN
	You're gonna shit your pants!

		FINCH
	Charming.

		KEVIN
	Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some
	sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
	or whatever.  It's fast acting.  I
	mean really fast.

		FINCH
	First of all, it's Mochaccino, and
	secondly...Oohhhh!

Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING

We FOLLOW with Finch.  We see Stifler down the hall,
holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

		STIFLER
	This way, sit.

Finch darts into the bathroom.  Stifler LAUGHS
hysterically.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch has stopped.  He's staring down at the toilet.  It
looks entirely uninviting.  But he's straining,
struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
cramps up.

He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
it.  Then another, and another.  Sweat drips off his
forehead.

		FINCH
	Come on come on come on...

He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of
toilet paper.  Notices a spot where there's still bare
toilet seat.  He tears off one square of toilet paper,
placing it on the spot.  He steps back and looks it over,
still wriggling to contain his bowels.

		FINCH (CONT'D)
	Okay.  You can do this.

He unbuckles his pants.  Sits down -- just as we hear
someone enter the bathroom.  Finch, still restraining,
listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
of heels.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
symbol for "Women."  Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
harder.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is terrified.  Through the crack between the stall
door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
colored skirts and dresses.  He grits his teeth,
straining.

And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach.  His eyes bulge.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	You know it's just gonna be some
	crappy band and stupid decorations.

		GIRL #2
	You're just saying that cause prom's a
	week away and you don't have a date.

		GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
	No, I don't want a date...
		(increasingly dreamy)
	Finch is going stag...and so am
	I...the guy is like so...debonair.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is in hell.  Desperately trying not to shit.
Holding it in for all he's worth.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

		GIRL #2
	Do you think that "older woman" thing
	is true?

		GIRL #3
	Of course, it was Stifler's mom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Pure agony.  Finch is sweating badly.  Every muscle in
his body is tensed.  Tears stream from his fiercely shut
eyes.

A gastric RUMBLING.  Finch's eyes flash open in terror.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

We hear another, deeper RUMBLING.  Girl #2 turns to her
friend in surprise.

		GIRL #2
	Joanie, was that you?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is struggling.  Rocking back and forth.  But it's
no use.  He's at his limit.

		FINCH
	Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can
only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet
bowl.

The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER

Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his
pants.  Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door.  Grabs
the handle.  Composes himself.  And like nothing ever
happened, he opens it.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

Finch comes out of the bathroom.  Stops.  His eyes
register complete disbelief.

A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
gossiping about him, has crowded around the door.  All
staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.

						 DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game.  The team
scores -- they're beating Central.  Everyone cheers,
except Oz.  We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.

EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) - DAY

Establishing.  The campus of Michigan State University.
Students pass in front of an older, impressive university
building.

A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL
COMPETITION."

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind
the curtain.

They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits.  Heather
looks worried, lost.  Looking to the door, as if Oz might
come running in.

		VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
	Okay.  Albert, you ready?

ALBERT steps next to Heather.  He's kind of funny-
looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as
plain weird.

		ALBERT
	No problemo.

He SINGS a couple lines.  Way too melodramatic and
cheesy.  Heather looks trapped.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals.
Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling
the ball in his stick.  He seems to have a good lead.
Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball.
Someone has checked him.  He lays stunned on the ground,
as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.

The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the
face-off, and gather around the coach.

		COACH MARSHALL
	Alright!  Good hustle, guys, but we
	can still lose.  You all saw what
	happened to Oz out there.  I don't
	ever want to see you guys thinking
	you're gonna score.  You don't score
	until you score, period.

The team is getting into it.  Shouts of "Hell yeah!"  But
Oz's got a quizzical look on his face.

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather waits with the group to go onstage.  Albert paces
like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.

		ALBERT
	Focus on the music.  Think melody.
	Let the music be my guide.

		HEATHER
	That would be a start.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz shows some emotion peeking through.  Confused.

		COACH MARSHALL
	It all boils down to today.  For you
	seniors, this marks the culmination of
	your past four years.  Think of what
	that means to you.  Are you guys gonna
	look back on your days at East and
	know that you made the most of the
	time you had?

A wave of realization washes over Oz.  He stands up tall.

		COACH MARSHALL (cont'd)
	Now that's the attitude, Ostreicher!

Oz collects himself.  Takes a deep breath.

		OZ
	Good luck, guys.

he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.

		COACH MARSHALL
	Christ!  I didn't say you were out of
	the game!

		OZ
	Sorry, coach.

		COACH MARSHALL
	What the fuck is this?  You got
	someplace more important to be?

Coach Marshall is fuming.  The entire team is staring at
Oz.

		OZ
	Yeah.

He runs off.

ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS

A beat of confusion.  Then they stand up.

EXT. MSU CAMPUS - DAY

Oz runs through a gate.

INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting
to go onstage.  Oz bursts into the room, still in his
lacrosse gear.

		VOCAL JAZZ GUYS
	Oz -- You're back -- Yeah --

		ALBERT
	-- Oh, great.

Oz rushes up to Heather.  She's happy but confused.

		HEATHER
	What about the game?!

		OZ
	I'm not playing.

		HEATHER
	You're missing the game for us?!

		OZ
	No.  I'm missing the game for you.

Heather melts.  Oz pulls her close.  And they kiss.

		VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
	Okay, okay.  You guys got about a
	minute to go.  Spend it warming up,
	not making out.  This ain't the prom
	yet.

Oz and Heather share a smile.

INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing
"How Sweet It Is."  Oz sings with them now in his vocal
jazz outfit...we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his
cleats.  He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal
jazz group.  They sail through their duet, join hands,
and finish perfectly.  The audience APPLAUDS with
enthusiasm -- and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND
CLAPPING, loving it, like they're at a rock concert.

		JIM
	Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!

		KEVIN
		(gives that "You rock!" hand
		 sign)
	You fuckin' rule!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - CLASSROOM - DAY

Class has just ended, students are filing out of the
classroom.  A teacher grades papers in the back of the
room, routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper.
Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the
chalkboard.  Kevin comes up next to her.

		KEVIN
	Hey...

		VICKY
	Did you know that it's...450 miles
	from Ann Arbor to Nashville?

		KEVIN
	It's like a six or seven hour drive.
	That's easy, I don't mind driving.

A beat.  Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the
inattentive teacher.  Moves closer to Vicky.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	About the other day...I've been
	thinking.

		VICKY
	So have I.  And I know you want to
	make things perfect for me.  And I
	understand that you really wouldn't
	tell me that until you were 100%
	comfortable with it.

Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS.  She steps
closer.  Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the
map, fidgeting with it a little.

		VICKY (CONT'D)
	And I want to make things perfect for
	you.  You're right, Kev, we do have
	something good...and special.

		KEVIN
	Yeah, we have something great, Vick.

		VICKY
	Kevin...
		(very close, whispered)
	I want to have sex with you.

The map goes FLAPPING upwards.  The teacher looks up.

		KEVIN
		(almost frightened)
	Now?!

		VICKY
	No...I know the perfect time...

She looks to the calendar on the wall...and taps next
Saturday -- "Prom."  Kevin can't believe it...MUSIC UP
for PRE-PROM MONTAGE --

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is trying on a tux.  he shrugs, like it fits well
enough.

He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting,
trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and
focused.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to
Jessica for support, showing it off.  Jessica jokingly
does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if
she could care.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch sits alone.  Not like alone.  More like Forrest
Gump.

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is paying for his tux.  We see Oz trying to decide on
a cumberbund.  There are about ten of them scattered
around him that he's already tried.  In the background,
an ATTENDANT looks impatient.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch still sits.  His head is cocked at a different
angle.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (END MONTAGE)

Kevin is in his tux.  He's staring at himself in the
mirror.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

The parking lot is full.  VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED
STUDENTS make their way into the school.  One group piles
out of a stretch limo.  We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a
bottle of liquor into his tux.  A FLUSTERED GUY struggles
to re-attach his date's corsage.

This is the prom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner.
Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and
somebody's bar mitzvah.  A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY
IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.

Most students mill about, talking, generally bored.  The
only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY
DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk
Stifler in a corner.  CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them
down, futilely.

The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD.  Couples lock
together and sway back and forth like zombies.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

They're dancing at arm's length.  Jim is not enthused.

		MICHELLE
	You know, at band camp?  We have
	dances like this.  Only they're way
	funner.  Don't you think prom is just
	highly overrated?

		JIM
	Highly, highly overrated.

ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY

They dance.  Both looking a little nervous.  Anxious.

ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER

Dancing much slower than anyone else.  Tight embrace.
Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.

ANGLE ON STIFLER

Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - A CORNER OF THE GYM - NIGHT

Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out.  Finch is
drunk.

		FINCH
	Okay.  I'm here for your dumb...dumb
	meeting.

Sherman passes by.

		SHERMAN
	I'm on the offensive, boys.  The
	Sherman Tank is going back in.

The guys are impassive.  Sherman indicates the Central
Girl nearby.

		SHERMAN (CONT'D)
	Locked on target, flying in stealth
	mode under enemy sex radar.  Ready to
	drop the payload...again.

Sherman confidently walks off.

		KEVIN
	Alright, how do you guys stand?  Well,
	Finch, I know where you are, but you
	can't use that as an excuse.  Jim?

		JIM
	My date's a flute-toting band dork.
	That answer your question?

		KEVIN
	Oz, how about you and Heather?  Now
	you guys are a couple or something?

		OZ
		(getting ticked)
	Dammit, Kevin, what's with the
	attitude?

		KEVIN
	Attitude?  Me?  I think that you guys
	should be more enthusiastic.  Shit,
	we've been trying to get laid forever,
	and tonight's the night we've been
	waiting for.  We're in this together.
	Don't back out on me now!

		JIM
	Back out?  You don't need us to get
	laid.  You afraid or something?

		KEVIN
	No, but come on guys, we made a pact!

		OZ
	Kevin, it was just a --

		KEVIN
	It was a pact.  You break it and there
	are no excuses.  You guys have to --

		JIM
		(interrupting, pissed)
	I don't have to do shit!  Forget it
	already!

Kevin is taken aback.

		JIM (cont'd)
	I'm tired of all this bullshit
	pressure!  I mean, I've never even had
	sex and already I can't stand it!  I
	hate sex!  I don't want it, I've never
	wanted it, and I'm not gonna sit here
	busting my balls over something that
	just isn't that damn important!  So
	fuck this stupid pact, fuck you, and
	fuck sex!  Now, I'm gonna go hang out
	with that geek over there, 'cause at
	least she's got something else to talk
	about besides sex!  God damn!

Kevin storms off.  A beat.

		FINCH
	At least I learned how to shit in
	school.

Jessica approaches.  She's dressed well, but not
lavishly.

		JESSICA
	Hey, Finch.  Wanna dance?

Finch looks to the guys.  They shrug.  We FOLLOW WITH
Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.

		FINCH
	How come you have no date?

		JESSICA
	I like to keep my options open.  And
	let me just clarify that you have no
	chance of scoring with me, Finch.

		FINCH
	No, of course not, don't be
	ridiculous.

ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL

		VICKY
	So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty
	close.  You met at that party a while
	back?

		CENTRAL GIRL
	Yeah, we were up the whole night
	together.  We had one of those
	amazingly deep conversations, where
	you really feel like you get to know
	someone.

		VICKY
		(nudge, nudge)
	"Deep conversation," huh?  Is that
	what you guys call it?

		CENTRAL GIRL
	What else would I call it?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.

		CENTRAL GIRL
	Excuse me, everyone, sorry to
	interrupt.

Her voice reverberates throughout the gym.  A couple WOLF-
WHISTLES.

		CENTRAL GIRL (cont'd)
	I just wanted to let you all know
	this:  Chuck Sherman is a liar.  I
	never had sex with him.  He's never
	had sex with anyone -- I know because
	he told me.  Once, he tried to screw a
	grapefruit, but that's it.  Oh, and he
	also told me that sometimes when he
	gets nervous he wets his pants.  Thank
	you for your attention.

Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.

ANGLE ON SHERMAN

Pissing his pants.

ANGLE ON JIM

Shocked.  He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin still sits there.  Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of
the school.  Slowly they walk up to Kevin.

		OZ
	...Guess what?

		KEVIN
	I don't care.

		JIM
	Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's
	is gonna be here soon.

		KEVIN
	I'm not going.

A beat as the guys don't know what to say.  Kevin's
speech is halting, downbeat.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	This isn't how I wanted things to turn
	out.  Making the pact wasn't just
	about getting laid.  It was about
	doing one last thing with you guys
	before we graduated.  But now I've
	just wasted my last few weeks here
	trying to do what?  I don't even know.
	All I managed to do was fuck up our
	friendship.

A beat.  Oz shrugs.

		OZ
	I still think you're okay.

		JIM
	So do I, Kev.

		FINCH
	Me too.  For the most part.

		KEVIN
	Nah.  Fuck, you guys are right, I
	don't know what I'm doing.  I mean I'm
	acting like I've got it all together
	tonight.  But I know Vicky is gonna
	ask me if I love her.  And I don't
	know what I'm gonna say.  So now it's
	like, maybe I'll just wimp out on the
	whole thing.

		JIM
	Come on man.  Tonight is the night.
	We're finally going to a post-prom
	party on the lake.  We've been waiting
	to do this for the last four years.
	Why else are we still friends with
	Stifler?  You gotta go.

A beat as Kevin ponders this.

		OZ
	And by the way, Sherman didn't even
	get laid.

		KEVIN
	He didn't?

		FINCH
	Nope.  He pissed himself.

The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled.  THEY are suddenly
illuminated by the glare of headlights.  A charter bus
pulls in front of the school.

		JIM
	There it is.  I want to grab my bag.
	Oh, and my date.

		OZ
	Come on, Kevin.  Vicky's looking for
	you.

Jim holds out a helping hand.  Kevin looks at it.  Grabs
it, and Jim pulls him up.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan.
Students are filing out of the charter bus.

Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.

		JIM
	Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.

		MICHELLE
	It reminds me of this one time --
		(changing thoughts)
	Hey, can I ask you a question?  How
	come you don't have any stories?  I've
	got lots of stories, and you don't
	have any.

		JIM
	Oh, I've got stories, believe me.
	They're a little more risque than
	tales of Band Camp.

		MICHELLE
	Are they gross or something, like guy
	stuff?  Tell me.

		JIM
	Okay.  You want a story?  Here's a
	story.  Stifler finds this beer,
	right?  And...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM

Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom.  A large bay window
overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.

		KEVIN
	See -- this is the nicest room.

		VICKY
	Wow, Kev...it's perfect.

Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother
inside, grinning.

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
	You guys are gonna fuck, aren't you!?

		KEVIN
	No!  Get out of here!

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
		(running out of the room)
	Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!

Stiflers brother is gone.  They LAUGH...and Vicky closes
the door.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather are walking down the beach.  Holding
hands.  Deep in the background, we see kids partying.

		OZ
	There's something I've been meaning to
	tell you, Heather.

		HEATHER
	What's that?

		OZ
	It's gonna sound really bad, but I
	want you to know.

She nods.  They stop walking.  Oz swipes his feet around
in the sand.

		OZ (cont'd)
	See, uh, I'm a virgin.  And me, Kevin,
	Jim, and Finch, we all made this pact.
	That we would...lose our virginity...
	before high school was over.

Heather is listening.

		OZ (cont'd)
	And, see, tonight is supposed to be
	the night we all do it.

		HEATHER
	This isn't the best way to proposition
	me.

		OZ
	No, that's not what I mean.  I mean --
	look.  You know what made me leave
	that game?  Coach was giving this
	speech, about not slacking off when
	you see the opportunity to score.

		HEATHER
	This isn't any better, Chris.

		OZ
	No, see Heather, what I realized is
	that...with you, it's not like I'm
	running towards the goal, trying to
	figure out the best way to score.  And
	this may sound corny, but --

He takes her hand.

		OZ (cont'd)
	I feel like I've already won.

Heather softens, taken off guard.

		OZ (cont'd)
	And, well, I really care about you.  A
	lot.  And I want you to know that.

		HEATHER
	Oz, it's okay, I know.

		OZ
	You called me Oz.

		HEATHER
	Well, that's what your friends call
	you.  I mean...I feel like I'm one of
	your friends now...and also...your
	girlfriend.

Oz seems truly touched.

		OZ
	Dieter.  My middle name is Dieter.

Heather nods, and speaks pensively.

		HEATHER
	Hmm.  You know that's
		(cracking up)
	really a shitty middle name!

		OZ
		(laughing)
	I know, it sucks!

Through their laughter, they kiss.  After a moment, it
grows more passionate.  Lost in each other.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the
basement is empty.  STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner,
smoking a cigarette.  She's as attractive as her photo we
once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile
with a bitter smirk.

Finch stumbles in.

		FINCH
	Ah, Stifler's mom!  Thank you for
	letting us have a great party.

		STIFLER'S MOM
		(dry)
	As if there were any alternative
	in the matter.  Are you enjoying
	yourself?

		FINCH
	I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!

		STIFLER'S MOM
		(deadpan)
	I'm so happy for you.  Takes the edge
	off, doesn't it?  And where might your
	date be?

		FINCH
	Oh no, no date.  Bathroom incident.

		STIFLER'S MOM
	Pardon me?

Finch pauses a moment.  He's got an idea.

		FINCH
	...Nevermind.  You have anything to
	drink?

		STIFLER'S MOM
	I believe the kegs are upstairs.

		FINCH
	No, no, that's what the cretins drink.
	I mean alcohol, liquor -- good stuff.

She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.

		STIFLER'S MOM
	All right, I got some scotch.

		FINCH
	Single malt?

		STIFLER'S MOM
	Aged eighteen years.
		(she gives him a look)
	Why don't you get the glasses.  Behind
	the bar.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

It's a great party.  Stifler is with a group of guys
drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before
every sip.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.

		MICHELLE
	That is a nasty story!

		JIM
	I told you.

		MICHELLE
	You wanna hear a nasty story of mine?
	It's kind of sexual.

Ding!  A light goes off in Jim's head.

		JIM
	Yeah, bring it on!

		MICHELLE
	Well, this one time?  At band camp?
	We were playing this game, I don't
	know if you know it?  But it's called
	spin the bottle?  And I had to kiss
	this guy named Marc Wander on the
	lips?  And...

Jim's expression sinks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

The lights are down.  Vicky and Kevin are in bed.

		KEVIN
	You comfortable?

		VICKY
	Yeah, are you?

		KEVIN
	Yeah.

A beat.

		VICKY
	You sure you're comfortable?

		KEVIN
	Yeah.  Are you sure?

		VICKY
	Yeah.

		KEVIN
	Me too.

		VICKY
	Okay.
		(a beat)
	Did you bring a condom?

		KEVIN
	Yeah, right here.

He pulls out a condom.  A beat as they contemplate it.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	So, do you want to be -- I mean, how
	do you want to do it?

		VICKY
	I don't know.  How do you?

		KEVIN
	Like, normal style.  The...missionary
	position.

		VICKY
	Okay.

A moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but -

		VICKY (cont'd)
	Kevin...

		KEVIN
	Yeah Vick?

		VICKY
	I want to hear you say it.

		KEVIN
	Okay.

Kevin swallows hard.  And says --

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	Victoria...I love you.

		VICKY
	I love you.

They both take a deep breath.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes,
surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring
breeze.  Stars and a lustrous moon above.

The silence speaks.  We can see it in their eyes.
Yearning.

		OZ
	I can't think of anything to say
	that's not cheesy.

		HEATHER
	Then don't.

They kiss.  It's time.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

A brief moment of uncertainty.  Kevin shifts around a
bit, trying to position himself.  Vicky's hand goes under
the sheets.

		VICKY
	Here.

We know what she's doing.  They both maintain eye
contact...

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion.
Discovering love.  This is the stuff that you thought
only existed in romance novels.  Seriously.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.

		JIM
	So, the end of the story is...you had
	to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?

		MICHELLE
	Yes!  And he was such a dork!  And
	everyone laughed at me, but I didn't
	care?  Because it was so funny!

		JIM
		(flat)
	Okay, I get it.

		MICHELLE
	Oh!  And then this one time?  At band
	camp?  I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim CHOKES on his beer.  Michelle considers her
revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as
Jim struggles to recover.

		JIM
	...excuse me?!

		MICHELLE
	What, you think I don't know how to
	get myself off?  Hell, that's what
	half of band camp is!  Sex ed!

Jim is ga-ga.  He watches in disbelief as she lets her
hair down.  And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.

		MICHELLE (cont'd)
	So are we gonna screw soon?  I'm
	getting kind of antsy.

Jim pauses in disbelief.  Then --

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door.  A toy
basketball hoop falls off the back of the door.  They are
standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room.
One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs
from the ceiling, flying in circles.

		JIM
	This'll do.

		MICHELLE
	Now, I have two rubbers.  Wear them
	both, it'll desensitize you.  I don't
	want you coming so damn early.

		JIM
	Why, uh, what makes you think that I --

		MICHELLE
	Come on.  I saw you on the net.  Why
	do you think I accepted this date?
	You're a sure thing!

Jim heartily agrees.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The scotch bottle is almost empty.  Stifler's Mom and
Finch are smoking cigarettes.

		FINCH
	So...would you object if I said you're
	quite striking?

		STIFLER'S MOM
	Mister Finch -- are you trying to
	seduce me?

		FINCH
	Yes ma'am, I am.

One look between them, and we know it's all over.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky.  Silently doing it.  Curious looks on
their faces.  The look you get when your waiter delivers
your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the
creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if
it's really what you ordered.  But you don't say
anything, and you just eat it.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather.  Souls entwined.  Making love.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:

-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.

-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.

-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.

-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT

The Basement door is closed.  We hear from the inside...

		STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.)
	I had no idea you'd be this good!

		FINCH (O.S.)
	Neither did I!

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle going at it.  Again, we HEAR but can't
see them.  The room is more trashed than before.  And as
we PAN across the disaster area they've created --

		JIM (O.S.)
	Are you gonna do what I think you're
	gonna do?

		MICHELLE (O.S.)
	Don't you want me to?

		JIM (O.S.)
	Oh yeah!  Put it in your mouth!

		MICHELLE (O.S.)
	Okay!

We see her...on top of Jim.  She clears her throat.  And
then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to
her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG.  On
cue, Jim chimes in --

		JIM
	Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
	and best!

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz could be coming.  Heather could be coming.  But it's
all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like
one big orgasm anyway.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
each others' clothing.  Exhausted, gasping.

And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.
It swings open.  Standing there is Stifler's Little
Brother.  Jaw hanging.

		STIFLER'S BROTHER
	That was awesome!

Jim and Michelle are stunned.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera.  We can't
see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC
MOANING.

What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling.  The
chair falling out of place.  And the door opening as
Stifler walks in.  He stops, horrified.

		STIFLER
	Ugh...oh no...

He looks like he's going to barf.  Instead, he passes
out.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING

The sun rises over Lake Michigan.  A brand new day.
Various students are passed out here and there.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Oz holds Heather in his arms.  Completely peaceful.
SEAGULLS CALL to each other.  WAVES BREAK on the shore.

Oz has lost all pretense.  Smiling to himself, or maybe
to the world.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim wakes up in bed, alone.  He looks around.

		JIM
	She's gone.

He considers this.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Oh my God.  She used me.

He considers this further.  Smiles.

		JIM (cont'd)
	Wow!  I was used!  Cool!

He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...

		JIM (CONT'D)
	Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
	to the conquering heroes, hail...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
the ceiling.  Though they're trying to conceal it, we can
see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking
through.

		KEVIN
	That was a great night.

		VICKY
	Yeah.

A beat.

		KEVIN
	I can't believe we just had our senior
	prom.

		VICKY
	Yeah, the time went by so fast.

		KEVIN
	It did.

Another beat.

		VICKY
	Kevin, next year...with you in Ann
	Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not
	gonna work, is it.

		KEVIN
	Don't say that, we can do it somehow.
	It might not be perfect, but --

		VICKY
		(interrupting)
	No, Kevin --
		(she sits up)
	That's the whole thing, that's what
	I've been realizing.  That nothing's
	perfect, that you can't plan
	everything.

Kevin thinks this over.

		KEVIN
	It is far away...and we'll be on our
	own...meeting new people...

A moment as they think this over.

		KEVIN (CONT'D)
	Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.

		VICKY
	I know.
		(a beat)
	Let's go.  Don't you have something to
	tell your friends?

		KEVIN
	What?

		VICKY
	Your little pact.  Jessica told me all
	about it.
		(hits him lightly)
	Way to go, Kev!

Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.

						 DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY

A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs.  Kevin's
LAUGHING.

		KEVIN
		(to Jim)
	I guess we'll call you two-ply.

		OZ
	Yeah.  So you want double condiments
	on that?

		JIM
	No, no that's fine.
		(then, to Kevin)
	So you doing okay?

		KEVIN
		(a wistful smile)
	Yeah.

		FINCH
	I'll tell you, I've learned one thing:
	women, like wine, get better with age.
		(a beat)
	Of course, I have no frame of
	reference for this comparison.

		KEVIN
	So Oz, you almost made it, huh?

		OZ
		(smiles)
	I'll just say that we had a great
	night together.

		JIM
	Hang in there, buddy, you'll get
	there.

		OZ
	I know.

		KEVIN
	Wow.  You two really have something
	going, don't you?

		OZ
	I think we're falling in love.

They GROAN.  Oz just smiles.

		KEVIN
	You know what the coolest thing is?
	This, right now.

They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.

		OZ
	It's true.  I mean, after this,
	everything'll be different.

		JIM
	After getting laid?

		OZ
	After high school.

		KEVIN
	Yeah, but we'll still see each other.

		OZ
	Fuck yeah we will.

A beat.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.

		KEVIN
	To the next step.

		ALL
	To the next step.

They all toast.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

		KEVIN
		(into phone)
	Hey.  I got another question for you.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
	What's that?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin arrives in the back of the library.  Kneels down to
put the bible back.

		KEVIN (V.O.)
	Um...I'm sort of wondering
	about...love.

We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.

		KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
	That's the next book, Kevin.  That's
	the next book.

He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had
for it.  Stands up with some new confidence.  We FOLLOW
WITH HIM as he walks out of the library...and enters the
courtyard, crowded with students.  He disappears into
them as we...

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's dad sits across from Jim.

		JIM'S DAD
		(eyes tearing)
	Son.  That's the best damn story I
	ever heard.

Jim beams proudly.

		JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
	You know, after I graduated high
	school, my parents let me do some
	traveling...

INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY

SUPER:  "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"

A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase,
carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose.  He
arrives in front of a hotel door.  KNOCKS.  A BELLBOY
passes by, noticing the waiter.  And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN
AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.

		BELLBOY
		(subtitled)
	Another bottle?

		WAITER
		(subtitled)
	He knows how to treat a woman.

The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least
bit tired, tying on a robe.

		JIM
	Thanks guys.

A pair of arms wraps around him from behind.  And --
Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.

		NADIA
	Come back to bed, James.

Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls
him back in and closes the door.

		WAITER
		(subtitled)
	That is one lucky man.

		BELLBOY
		(subtitled)
	Funny -- I swear I have seen those two
	somewhere before.  The boy is some
	sort of dancer.

They head off.

FADE TO BLACK


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