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Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)

by Lona Williams.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


FADE IN:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY

Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and 
farmhouses.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Color footage of cotton fields passing by.  We FREEZE and

                                             FADE TO BLACK.

TITLE WIPES IN:

           1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY

         OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST...

 THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT

           A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO 

                A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA 

              TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION.

INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY

Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty 
pageant contestant.  LEGS WIPE IN.

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER 
                    (O.S.)
          Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful 
          person....

Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant 
contestants on stage.

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
          Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual 
          talent.  Sarah Rose knows you're a 
          teenage girl.

Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants 
parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS 
DOWN.

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
          Mmm, and she definitely knows that you 
          are ready for the ultimate teen 
          glamour.

ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC.  FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING 
TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags.  
APPLAUSE!

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER 
                    (cont'd)
          The American Teen Princess Pageant.

Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: 
AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS.

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
          And now, a few words...

ANGLE ON

Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR.  CHEERS!

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
          ...from last year's host, Mr. Adam 
          West.

                    ADAM WEST
          The American Teen Princess Pageant has 
          been enriching the lives of American-
          made girls since 1945.

TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE 
OUT.

                    ADAM WEST (cont'd)
          The American Teen Princess Pageant 
          provides personal growth, scholarship, 
          travel, and you...

Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM.

                    ADAM WEST (cont'd)
          ...might even meet a few celebrities.  
          At the national level, thousands of 
          seventeen year-old girls like 
          yourselves. and compete around the 
          country in places like:

                    MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER 
                    (O.S.)
          Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota.

                    ADAM WEST
          And make it all the way here to 
          Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the 
          title of American Teen Princess.

LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as 
they pause.  As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS.  Adam West 
turns back to the camera.

                    ADAM WEST (cont'd)
          And now, a few words from last year's 
          host, Mr. Adam West.

Contestants strike a pose around him.  THUNDEROUS CANNED 
APPLAUSE!

                    ADAM WEST (cont'd)
              (pointing to camera)
          So, which one of you will it b--

SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"

PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a 
GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym 
bleachers.

[NOTE: The film is shot documentary style.  PEOPLE ARE 
REAL.  Their lives revolve around this pageant.  All 
speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.]

THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group.  
[Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching 
windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president.  
She STOPS THE VIDEO.

                    GLADYS LEEMAN
          Good God, Iris, you taped your shows 
          over it.

                    IRIS
          Sorry.

Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers.

SUPER:  MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA   POPULATION: 5,076

                    GLADYS LEEMAN
          Now ladies, the rest of the tape - 
          which is now gone forever - goes on 
          about startin' this great American 
          journey we call American Teen 
          Princess...Yah-so, any of you young 
          ladies who'd like to start on that 
          journey, you just come right down here 
          and sign up.  And please...help 
          yourselves to some coffee and bars...

                                             SMASH EDIT TO:

Gladys seated with middle-aged women.

                    GLADYS
          Showtime.

SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING 
COMMITTEE.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Do you think that most people would 
          say that teenage beauty pageants are a 
          good idea?

                    GLADYS
          Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your 
          big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged 
          women's libbers say, "Pageants are old-
          fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to 
          the girls --

                    IRIS
              (jumping in)
          What's sick is women dressin' like 
          men!

Civil Servettes stare at her a beat.

                    GLADYS
          Uh... You betcha, Iris.
              (quickly, back to camera)
          Yah-I think yous boys'll find that 
          things are different here in Mount 
          Rose...

Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          For one thing, y'know, we're God 
          fearin' folk - every last one of us...

Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          You won't find a back room in our 
          video store...

Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN.  YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc.

                    GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.)
          ...that filth is better left in the 
          "Sin Cities."

                    IRIS
          A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul.

PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE.

EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET

The camera drives down the street.

EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS

The camera drives down the street.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG.

EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY

BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK.

EXT. TRAILER PARK

Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of 
Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" 
complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling 
and waving.

EXT. CREW VAN

An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the 
van.

                    ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR)
          Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah.  She was the 
          oldest livin' Lutheran.  Now she's 
          dead as a doornail.  It's them damn 
          Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn 
          sign down yet - those lazy sons-a-
          bitches... 
          I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn 
          year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign 
          down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!"

SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE

INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY

Through the window a family waves to Gladys.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home.

EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY

SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn.  A boy 
shoots his water pistol.

INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON

Civil Servettes and crew are piled in.  Gladys drives.

                    GLADYS
          ...Today's "To Do" list includes a 
          trip to the Mall of America.  We need 
          outfits for the "Physical Fitness" 
          number --

                    IRIS
          Nothin' too showy!

                    GLADYS
          Y'betcha, Iris.  We still need a third 
          judge and we need to think of a theme.

Servettes react with pleasure.

                    IRIS
          Gladys -- Gladys!  Look out!

A CAR SWERVES.

                    GLADYS
          Oh, my!
              (waving out window)
          Hello, Father Donigan!  Sidewalks, 
          sidewalks?

Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug."

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Iris, stop!
              (to camera)
          It's not his fault.  The communal wine 
          just proves too temptin' for some of 
          them.

                    IRIS
          That's why we Lutherans use grape 
          Koolaid for the blood of Christ.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA

In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys 
Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot.

                    IRIS
          Oh, there's a parking space over 
          there.  Oh, no, that's just a compact.  
          Sorry.

                    GLADYS
          You'd think they'd build the parking 
          lot of America to go with the Mall of 
          America!

Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT.  Servettes and 
CAMERA stand outside the car.  Iris points at the sign.

                    IRIS
          It's a two-hundred dollar fine!

                    GLADYS
          I said I'd move if a cripple came.  
          Let's just run in the store and pick 
          out some outfits.

                    IRIS
          All right, let's go.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT

Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car.

                    GLADYS
          Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! 
          Wait!  I just thought of the theme.

Iris and the Servette stop.

                    IRIS
          Oh!  What is it?

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          "Proud...to be...an...American."

Servettes react with pleasure.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So what was the theme of the pageant 
          last year?

                    GLADYS
          Last year?  It was, "Buy American."

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          And the year before that?

                    GLADYS
          "U.S.A. is A-okay."

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Can you remember the theme of your 
          favorite pageant?

                    GLADYS
          "Can I?  I'm Amer-I-Can!"  People ask 
          me where I get this.  I don't know, 
          it's...maybe a gift from God or 
          somethin'.

INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY

PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars.

SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL

ANGLE ON

LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM.

                    LESLIE MILLER
          ...Hi.
              (giggles)
          I'm Leslie Miller.  I'm signin' up 
          kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch 
          pageants on the TV and my boyfriend 
          thinks I'll win.

SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER

She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her 
hands.

                    LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
          For my talent, I'm gonna be doing 
          the..

Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and 
BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber.  Pat grabs 
Leslie and kisses her hard.

                    LESLIE (cont'd)
          Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout 
          my...Oh...

Hormones take over and they lock lips again.  She wraps 
her legs around him.  He feels up her ass.  They continue 
groping as her Washington Monument slips off.

                                                     CUT TO:

Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a 
cheerleader chant.

                    LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
          Hi, Pat!  Go, Muskies!  Whoo!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar 
pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights.

                    AMBER ATKINS
              (suddenly looking O.C.)
          Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm 
          signin' up k'cause, ah, my two 
          favorite people in the world competed.  
          My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I 
          hope I end up a little more like Diane 
          Sawyer than my mom...

She flashes a GRIN, we melt.

INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY

Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE.

SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Do you do any of the, uh, embalming?

                    AMBER
              (laughing)
          Oh, my God, no.  Oh, God.  I just do 
          the hair and makeup on the deceased.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic 
passes.

                    AMBER (V.O.)
          I'm lucky I have an after-school job 
          where I can practice my talent.

EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY

                    GLADYS
          Oh, yeah, sure.  You know, every 
          pageant is special, but this one is 
          extra-special to me.  When I was 
          seventeen, I don't know if you know 
          this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's 
          American Teen Princess.  And this 
          year...drum roll please, my lovely 
          daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is 
          competin'.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the 
camerman (O.S.).

                    BECKY
          Is this my mark?
              (it is)
          Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman.  And I believe 
          this pageant is an important 
          experience for every young woman.  It, 
          well, it teaches you what's really 
          important in life, and it has the 
          power to change you in ways you've 
          never dreamed of.

INT. GUN RANGE

Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock-
17 9mm pistol with both hands.  Sign on wall reads: 
"Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club."  (See Iona in b.g. with 
an arsenal of sniper weaponry.)

                    BECKY
              (yelling over noise)
          ...What?!  Klinghagen thinks it'll all 
          come down to me and Amber?

Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs.

                    BECKY (cont'd)
          Well, you have to take everything Mrs. 
          Klinghagen says with a grain of salt.  
          Not all your Catholics go to communion 
          for the wafers, if you know what I 
          mean...

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER

Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks.

                    BECKY
          ...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil 
          for my thirteenth birthday... 

SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN
          
          I'll always remember what she wrote in 
          the card.  "Jesus loves winners."  
          That's why, no matter what I do...

She shoves the magazine back in her pistol.

                    BECKY (cont'd)
          I aim to win.

She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few 
rounds.  Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes 
in the head.

INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY

It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA.  Lisa Swenson - big bubbly 
girl - sits on her bed.

                    LISA
          Why?  Well, uh, it's kind of like 
          askin', "Why do all the guys chew 
          Copenhagen?"  You know?  I mean, if 
          you're seventeen and you're not a 
          total fry, it's just what you do.

ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over 
speakers.

SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Have you decided what your talent is 
          going to be yet?

                    LISA
          I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New 
          York, New York."  See, I fell in love 
          with The Big Apple last summer when I 
          was visitin' my brother.  He followed 
          his dream to New York.

PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera.

                    LISA (cont'd)
          This is Peter as Liza.  This is him as 
          Madonna.  Oh, here's me with him as 
          Barbara...

INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY

TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t-
shirt.  The room is filled with German Shepherd 
paraphernalia.

                    TESS
          Uh... I don't know what my talent's 
          gonna be yet...

SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS

                    TESS (cont'd)
          Kenny.  Kenny, come.  Come, Kenny.

A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap.

                    TESS (cont'd)
          This is Kenny.  Spike, my German 
          Shepherd, went to live with a nice 
          family on a farm after he attacked me.  
          It wasn't his fault.  I had beef jerky 
          in my front pocket.
              (pulling up shirt)
          They re-made my belly with skin from 
          my butt.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY

IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books.

SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN 
PRINCESS - 1945

                    IONA HILDERBRANTDT
              (smoked for sixty years)
          I was Mount Rose American Teen 
          Princess in 1945.  We were at war with 
          the Japs.

ANGLE ON

A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA 
HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is 
being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO 
SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE.

YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR 
OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal.

                    IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) 
                    (cont'd)
          I didn't even get to keep my damn 
          tiara. 

Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin.

                    IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd)
           Had to turn it in for scrap.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM

MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE 
COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD.

SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD

                    MR. HOWARD
              (heavy accent)
          ... So we adopt Molly three year ago 
          when we come to America, to help 
          acclimate us to American.

                    MOLLY
              (smiling)
          To America, Dad.

Mr. Howard laughs.

                    MRS. HOWARD
          She all-American girl.  She our 
          American Teen Princess girl.

                    MOLLY
          Oh, Mom...

The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her 
"TINA") ENTERS FRAME.  Although she's the picture of 
beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old 
life.

                    TINA
              (in Japanese)
          Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we 
          moving back to Tokyo?  I can't stand 
          this place anymore.  They put butter 
          on everything.

                    MR. HOWARD
              (turning, suddenly angry)
          English!  English, you stupid little 
          retard!  We America now, Tina!

                    TINA
              (perfect English)
          I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due 
          respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's 
          Seiko.

                    MR. HOWARD
          Tina! Tina!! TINA!!!

                    MRS. HOWARD
          "Robert," settle down.

                    MR. HOWARD
              (screaming)
          AHHHHHH!

Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Same scene.  Mr. Howard is gone.

                    TINA
          Mom, I just finished the third 
          movement of that concerto I was 
          working on.  I put, like, this techno 
          beat on this Japanese folk tune - 
          wanna hear it?

                    MR. HOWARD
              (running down the hall)
          No!  We not like to hear it!  Go to 
          your room and shut up!

                    TINA
          Oh, I almost forgot...
              (removing envelope from 
               pocket)
          I got my acceptance to Tokyo 
          University.

                    MR. HOWARD
          What, you deaf?  I say shut up-shut up-
          SHUT UP!
              (coming at camera)
          Cut her outta this!

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Same scene on couch.

                    MR. HOWARD
          Now Molly, tell movie man what you 
          talent do.

                    MOLLY
          I'll be line dancin'.

                    MR. HOWARD
              (giving thumbs up)
          Country western!

                    MRS. HOWARD
          Clint Black!  Ruff!

                    MR. HOWARD
          Hey, what he got I not got?

They all laugh.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face.

                    MICHELLE
          ... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic 
          monologue.

SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON

                    MICHELLE (cont'd)
          Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" 
          or... 
          "Soylent Green."  Lots of girls make a 
          smooth transition from pageants into 
          actin', y'know.

                                              SMASH CUT TO:

LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash 
and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST.

                    CONNIE
          Competin' for the title of Minnesota's 
          American Teen Princess sure was 
          excitin'.  But, I never coulda won 
          without my...

PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. 

                    CONNIE (cont'd)
          St. Paul Pork Products!

LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS.  Connie 
now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly.

                    CONNIE (cont'd)
          I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork 
          Products for years.  I grew up right 
          next to these stock yards.

SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE.  PIG 
CARCASSES move on hooks.  Connie wears a hard hat and 
blood stained butcher's apron.

                    CONNIE (cont'd)
          It's still the same family-run 
          business that Walter and Vera Polarski 
          started in 1920 when they raised and 
          slaughtered their first pig.

Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite.

                    CONNIE (cont'd)
          Mmm-mmmm.  I just love St. Paul Pork 
          Products.  In fact, I love kem so much

LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE.  Workers 
stuff sausages.  Connie wears a white jumpsuit and 
hairnet.

                    CONNIE (cont'd)
          I work here now!

INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars.  CREW 
MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves.  JANELLE 
BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says.

                    JANELLE
              (slow, due to signing)
          ...My talent will be an interpretive 
          dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes 
          of Love."  I have a dream of spreadin' 
          sign language around the world... Mom?  
          Would you be so kind?

SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ

                    JANELLE (cont'd)
          Yeah.  Well, see, uh, I have a dream 
          of spreading sign language around the 
          world.
              (to Mrs. Betz)
          Mom, would you be so kind.

Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the 
piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love."  
Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly 
dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure.  
SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches 
for bars.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type.  She wears a LETTER 
JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES.

                    TAMMY CURRY
          Tammy Curry.  I'm signin' up for the 
          scholarship'n'all.

                                              SMASH CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET.

                    TAMMY CURRY (cont'd)
          ...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, 
          I'm captain.  
              (pointing)
          I run track, and, uh...
              (points to small gun patch)
          Right here, I'm the new President of 
          the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club...

ANGLE ON

LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch.

                    TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.)
          I love that one.

EXT. FARM FIELD

Shot from crew van.  Sun is setting behind a lovely field 
of green.  A John Deere Thresher travels across the 
burning red horizon.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.)
          Would you say you have a good chance 
          to win this pageant?

SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY

                    TAMMY (V.O.)
          Yeah, you bet I do.  I mean, maybe 
          other people think I can't win a 
          beauty pageant.  But other people 
          didn't think I could beat out Becky 
          Leeman for President of the gun club, 
          either.  And I did.  I-I-It's just 
          like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a 
          winner.  Nobody can stop me but me!"



KABLOOM!  Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP!

INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT

CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry.  PULL BACK 
to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran 
Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers.  CONTINUE 
PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars 
and coffee on a long buffet table.  A line of somber and 
repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food.  
Servettes stand at the ready.  Gladys and Iris face the 
camera.

                    GLADYS
          Well, you know, I think everyone's 
          doing really well considering the fact 
          that she was so young.

                    IRIS
          It's always hard to see the young ones 
          called home, especially on an 
          exploding thresher.  It's just so odd 
          and gross.

                    GLADYS
          You know that sometimes it's hard to 
          understand God's great plan.

                    IRIS
          Yeah.

Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder.

                    FEMALE MOURNER #1
          May I have a tissue?

                    GLADYS
          But the show must go on.
              (she faces Iris)
          I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him 
          if we can use that barn light as a 
          spot again.  So you watch the Jell-o 
          salad, okay?

                    IRIS
          All right.  Okay.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

It's smokey as hell.  THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT 
"FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink.

                    FRY GIRL #1
          ...Oh, yeah-right.  I ain't gonna be 
          in no goddamn pageant!  Look what 
          happened to that dork-ass farm girl.

                    PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.)
          Tammy Curry?

                    FRY GIRL #1
          Yah-yah.  Everyone says this is a big 
          accident?  She got iced because she 
          wins everything, and this time someone 
          didn't want her to win.

                    PREGNANT FRY GIRL
          This pageant's like a roach motel.

                    FRY GIRL #1
          Girls check in, but they don't check 
          out.

                    PREGNANT FRY GIRL
          Yeah.  And they say smokin' is bad for 
          your health.

                    FRY GIRL #1
              (raising cigarette into 
               frame)
          Yeah.

EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY

SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs 
past the Laundry Room."

CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement.  LISA 
SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 
2x4/ballet barre.  MOZART plays in the b.g.  CHLORIS 
KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes.  (Picture Betty Davis in 
her final days.)

                    CHLORIS
          And tendu.  Close.  Tendu.  Close. 
          Tendu.  Close.  Plie.  And repeat.  
          Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in 
          the tushes!

SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          Close those legs!  You look like a 
          bunch of bowlegged cows!  Other side.  
          And...tendu.  Close.  Tendu.  Close.  
          Tendu.  Close.  Plie.

                                                     CUT TO:

Chloris smokes and talks to camera.  "Ballerinas" 
practice.

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          Yeah, you boys sure picked a good 
          year.  If I was a betting woman, and 
          there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd 
          lay down ten-to-one that it all comes 
          down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.  
          Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this 
          could be if Cain and Abel...

The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, 
taking him out.  She leans over and comforts him.

                    LISA
          Ow!  Oh, God.  It's so em-so 
          embarrassing.

EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY

                    MARY (V.O.)
              (labored breaths)
          My winning...the Mount Rose...

INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY

SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's 
left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown.

                    MARY
          ...American Teen Princess Pageant...

SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN 
PRINCESS

                    MARY (cont'd)
          ...really changed my life.

The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the 
floor.

INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding 
head.  Mary smiles, oblivious.

                    MARY
              (labored breaths)
          ...Amber does my hair...once a week.

                    AMBER
              (flattered and embarrassed)
          Well...it's the least I can do for the 
          reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer--

Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair 
dangling from it.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Oh God...

                    MARY
          What?

                    AMBER
          Huh?  Oh...Uh, just a little snarl...

Amber mouths, "Shhh!  Don't tell!" to camera as she tries 
to pull the clump of hair from the brush.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's 
head with a ribbon.

                    AMBER
          There we go.

She holds the mirror for Mary.

                    MARY
              (delusional)
          Beautiful... Maybe next week... a 
          perm.

                    AMBER
          Yah... sure...

Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera.  
Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of 
chocolates.  She's fully aware of the cameras from the 
moment she enters.

                    BECKY
          Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine!
              (pretending to notice camera)
          What?!  Oh-oh my God!  Lights!  
          Camera!  And me without a stitch of 
          make-up on.  What are you guys doin' 
          here?

She's in full make-up.

                    AMBER
          What're you doin' here?

                    BECKY
          Oh, Amber, like you're the only one 
          who visits Mary.

                    MARY
              (to Becky)
          Who are you?

                    BECKY
              (covering)
          "Who are you?!"  Oh Mary, you kill me.
              (to camera)
          She always says that.  It's a little 
          game we play.  Every week - same dippy 
          little look on her face.  "Who are you 
          - who are you?"  Just like that.
              (in Mary's face)
          It's me - Becky - and I brought your 
          favorites.

Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill.  
Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as 
if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve.

                    AMBER
          How nice, Becky, she's anorexic.

Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now 
gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap.

                    BECKY
              (sotto, reprimanding tone)
          She's skinny, not deaf, Amber.

EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON

MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, 
HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring.

INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET.  Posters, 
articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane 
Sawyer cover the walls.

                    AMBER
          ... Dreams?  Yah-sure I got kem... 
          Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I 
          dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and 
          bein' a big time reporter like Diane 
          Sawyer.  I mean, guys get outta Mount 
          Rose all the time for hockey 
          scholarships or prison.  But the 
          pageant's kinda my only chance.

       
INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 
1963

                    AMBER
          ... Yah-1963.  Her beauty worked 
          against her when she started as a 
          reporter in Louisville, her hometown.  
          Those were different times.

                    ANNETTE (O.S.)
              (yelling, coughing)
          Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes?

                    AMBER
              (smiling)
          That's my mom.
              (yelling)
          I'll get kem in a sec.

ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE 
DOOR.

                    ANNETTE
              (surprised by cameras)
          Oh shit!

                    AMBER
          They're from L.A.  They wanted to see 
          my room and film me for their movie.

                    ANNETTE
              (mock-touched, to crew)
          Oh... How quickly they grow up.
              (exiting, smiling)
          Hey, if they ask you to take off your 
          shirt, get the money first.

Annette is gone.

                    ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.)
          And go get my smokes!

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY

Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story.

INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS

Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys 
showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE 
WIND."

INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY

It looks like a Levitz showroom.  Gladys sits stiffly 
between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, 
"old school" salesman, drink in hand.

                    LESTER
          ...You betcha.  S'posed to be colder-n-
          a witches tit tonight...

                    GLADYS
              (nervous laugh)
          Oh, Lester.  He loves his weather, 
          y'know.

                    LESTER
              (looking to crew, O.S.)
          Hey, ya like it?  Open it...Yah-the 
          globe.  Pull at the equator there.

                    GLADYS
          We're not in the showroom, Dear.

Banging and fumbling.  A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW 
GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it.

                    LESTER
          Fits three full-size booze bottles.  
          The cassette deck pulls outta 
          Afghanistan, there.

                    BECKY
              (embarrassed)
          Mommm...

                    GLADYS
          Lester?

                    LESTER
          Oh, all right
              (to camera)
          How soon they forget where all this 
          comes from.

                    BECKY
          Japan.

                    LESTER
          That's enough, young lady.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER

                    GLADYS
          "Impartial?"  Outside this house I'm 
          Gladys Leeman, President, Civil 
          Servettes - impartial as the day is 
          long.  But we're inside my home now 
          and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' 
          my "wife apron" and "mom hat."  So, I 
          can safely say that I'm the mother of 
          the most talented contestant Mount 
          Rose has ever seen.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Lester's gone from the couch.

                    GLADYS
          I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving 
          her voice.

Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          You-betcha, Rebecca's ready.  She's 
          been singin' and dancin' since she was 
          knee high to a pig's eye.

Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand.

                    LESTER
          Yah-she's damn near as good as that 
          little black fella - with the glass 
          eye.

                    GLADYS
          Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.

                    LESTER
          Yeah, yeah, the Jew.

                    BECKY
          Nice one, Dad.  He's dead.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Same scene.  BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs 
laps around gym - between Servettes and camera.  

                    GLADYS
          ...Yah-then, for the "Judges 
          Interview," each girl has a ten minute 
          get-together with the judges before 
          the pageant...

Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies.  All are.

                    GLADYS
          Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl 
          has a ten minute get-together with the 
          judges prior to the pageant.  Then we 
          have the...

A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Hello, Tony.

                    TONY
          Hey.

                    GLADYS
          "Hey" to the folks.

                    TONY
          Yeah, all right.

                    IRIS
          The Judges Interview.

EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY

JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain 
smokes outside the drugstore.

SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of 
          pageants over the years?

                    JOHN
          Nope.  No.  Uh-uh.  Never judged a 
          pageant before in my life.  Nope.  No 
          way.  Never around young girls.  Even 
          if I was, why would I wanna be, 
          y'know?  I-I-I don't get off on that 
          kinda thing and that's really why 
          you're askin', right?  S-someone say 
          somethin'?

EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY

HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this 
grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED 
BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY.

SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Do you judge the pageant every year?

                    HAROLD
          ...Nope.  Never judged nothin' afore -- 

                    HANK
              (pointing at camera)
          Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" 
          Are we on "Cops?"

                    HAROLD
          Shut up, Hank.  This here's business.

Harold CUFFS Hank.

                    HANK
          Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head.

                    HAROLD
          Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly 
          trap.

                    HANK
          I will if you shut your piehole.

                    HAROLD
          Don't make me kick-ya where the good 
          Lord split-ya.

Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and
EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So are you excited?

                    HAROLD
          ...Oh you betcha!  We're happier than 
          the day Hanky got acquitted.  I get 
          made a judge, then the furniture store 
          hires us to paint the whole damn 
          thing.
              (removing cap)
          We're gonna use the money to get our 
          mamma a proper headstone.  Oh, and 
          move her out to the cemetery.

Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window.  BAM!  He 
falls to the ground inside.

INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY

Follow Lester around cheesy room displays.  JEAN KANGAS, 
his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere.  
Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining 
room.

                    LESTER
          Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't 
          try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in 
          a matchin' hutch.

The COUPLE smiles excitedly.

                    LESTER (cont'd)
              (to camera)
          See, that there's my specialty.  Don't 
          pay me less and I'll give ya more. 
              (sotto)
          Secret is, the hutch is included in 
          the price.  Ain't that right, Jean?

Lester smacks Jean on the ass.

SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS.

                    LESTER (cont'd)
          Take a memo, sweetheart.

EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR

REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC.

Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage.  
Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction.

EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER

Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step 
ladders.  As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the 
ladder down and LEAP FROG over.

SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT

                    CHLORIS
          Four, five, six, seven.  And one.

Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid-
crotch.  She then slides painfully down to the ground.

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          Put that chair away!  Get it!  Come 
          on!  Get it!

Amber TWIRLS perfectly.

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          All right.  Let's got.  Let's go.

EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying 
the music and the show.  END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning 
against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at 
his side.

EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN

PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders.  Most 
suck.  Amber and Becky look great.  Tess sits on the 
grass with a bag of ice on her crotch.

EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK

On John Dough, beside his car.

                    JOHN
          I'm just out here watching the young 
          girls - contestants - like the rest of 
          my friends and neighbors...

John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open.

ANGLE ON

Pat and Brett watch the girls.  Pat admires Amber's 
moves.

                    PAT
              (re: Amber)
          Are you gettin' her?  Uh, the third 
          one, the blonde one.

                    BRETT
          Hey.

                    PAT
          See?  Right over there.  Right over 
          there.

Brett slaps Pat on the back.

                    BRETT
          Leave him alone, leave him alone.  
          It's okay.  

EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN

John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video 
camera at the girls performing a dance.  They wear 
partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses.  

                    JOHN
          Oh, this is just a...camera.  I keep 
          it in the glove compartment for car 
          accidents.  Insurance... You guys got 
          a camera and no one's accusin' you of 
          anything, right?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN

Move through kitchen.  LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and 
prepare food.  Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily 
scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off 
at her window.  Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the 
window with Brett, handsome football player we saw 
before.  Both carry trays.

                    BECKY
          So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake 
          with me on Thursday?

                    BRETT
          Um, actually, I got practice on 
          Thursday.

                    BECKY
          ...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then.  A 
          bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'.

SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL 
FOOTBALL TEAM

                    BRETT
              (seeing Amber)
          Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday.

Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her.  He smiles.  
She smiles.  You can feel the attraction.  Amber becomes 
girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron 
and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber 
gloves.

                    BRETT (cont'd)
              (to Amber)
          Hi...

                    AMBER
          Hi.

Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to 
uber-bitch in a heartbeat.

                    BECKY
          Giver her your tray, Brett.  You're 
          holdin' up the line.

Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make 
her clean his tray.

                    BRETT
          Uh...

                    BECKY
          Give it to her!

                    AMBER
          Here, I'll take it.  It's my job.

                    BRETT
          NO...
              (looking at Becky)
          It's all right.  I got it.  Don't 
          worry about it.

He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to 
clean off his own tray.  Becky can't believe his 
defiance.

                    AMBER
          Well, you're supposed to put it in 
          the...

Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with 
food as she storms off.

                    BRETT (cont'd)
          Oh man, you got leutefisk in your 
          hair.

                    AMBER
          Then it must be Wednesday.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY

Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation.

                    IONA
          Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been 
          salted and soaked in lye for a week or 
          so.  It's best with lots-a butter.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN

Same scene.  Brett removes the offending leutefisk.

                    BRETT
          So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday.  
          I just said that - y'know.

                    AMBER
          I know.

                    BRETT
          So if, uh, you wanted to do 
          somethin'...

                    AMBER
    
                    AMBER/BRETT
          Huntin' season.

Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh.

                    BRETT
          Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today 
          to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, 
          maybe I could call you tonight.

                    AMBER
          Yah-sure, fine...fine.

                    BRETT
          Okay...well, bye.

                    AMBER
          Bye.

Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw 
          you guys, do you?
              (nervously looking around)
          Look, you just shouldn't be in here...

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          It's okay.  Doreen gave us hair nets.

                    AMBER
          No, listen.
              (whispering as she exits)
          We shouldn't talk here.  Stop by my 
          house tonight, okay?

She looks around and motions them to rush off.

EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING

From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that 
are off the Highway.  (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" 
PLAYS on the radio).

EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING

Camera approaches the trailer.  SIGN on the door reads 
"Annette's Family Hair Care."

Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair 
salon.  Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a 
bouffant.

                    LORETTA
          What do you mean, they take out her 
          butt?

                    ANNETTE
              (seeing camera in window)
          Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

                    LORETTA
          Are we on "Cops" again?

                    ANNETTE
          You could be quiet.

                    LORETTA
          Hi.

                    ANNETTE
          Hi.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER

                    ANNETTE
          It's just the guys that are...you 
          know, makin' the movie about the 
          pageant.  I told you about kem.

                    LORETTA
          Oh, naw.  Hi.

                    ANNETTE
          This here's Loretta.

                    LORETTA
          I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to 
          me durin' my stories, you might as 
          well be talkin' to the wall."
              (then)
          You guys want a beer?

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          No, thank you.  Is Amber here?

                    ANNETTE
          No.  You just missed her.  Amber got 
          called in to the bone gardens tonight.  
          You just missed her.  She's in a 
          helluva mood today, anyways.

                    LORETTA
          Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's?

                    ANNETTE
          Loretta, shut it.

                    LORETTA
          Y'know, if you have, you got all the 
          pictures of the winner you need.

                    ANNETTE
          Shut it up, Loretta.

                    LORETTA
          Oh, Christ, it's true.

Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair.

                    LORETTA
              (drinking beer)
          Let's just say who should win, who 
          deserves to win is Amber.

                    ANNETTE
              (mumbled to self)
          Why don't you paint a big red target 
          on your ass, Loretta.

                    LORETTA
          She's the prettiest, y'know.  The best 
          damn tapper.  The most smartest...

                    ANNETTE
          "Most smartest?"  Oh, that's good, 
          Loretta.  Make sure you get a picture 
          of that.  "Most smartest."  We're 
          cuttin you off and sendin' you home.

Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out.

                    LORETTA
          Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm 
          braggin' up your kid, here.
              (to crew)
          Amber's gonna be the next Diane 
          Sawyer, y'know...

                    ANNETTE
          I'll be right back.  See ya later.

CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta.

                    ANNETTE (cont'd)
          They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn 
          it.

                    LORETTA
          All right, they're makin' a movie.

                    ANNETTE
          You don't know where this is gonna...

                    LORETTA
          I got a hairdo.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING

Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push 
her out.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          What makes you think that Becky's 
          going to win?

                    LORETTA
          Why do I think Becky'll win?  You're 
          talkin'...
              (to Annette)
          Don't pinch!.
              (back into camera)
          You're talkin' kbout the richest 
          family in a small town.  It's front 
          page news when one of kem takes a 
          shit.
              (she laughs hard)
          Can one of yous boys give me a ride 
          home?

                    ANNETTE
          Don't fall for it.  She lives two 
          trailers down.

                    LORETTA
          So?  Be real easy.

                    ANNETTE
          Go on home, Loretta.  Come on.  Go on, 
          the party's over.

                    LORETTA
          Anyone?

INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT

A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please 
Knock!"

PUSH INTO ROOM.  Amber, back to us, frantically applies 
blusher to an OLD WOMAN.  Another BODY, covered with a 
white sheet, is on the embalming slab.  The top and brim 
of a HUNTING CAP can be seen.  She TURNS AROUND to see 
the crew.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
              (surprised)
          Ahhh!  Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross!
              (catching breath)
          Look, number one rule in a funeral 
          home - never sneak up on the livin'.  
          You never know who could have an 
          embalming needle or skull saw in their 
          hand.  Mr. Larson's son learned that 
          the hard way - he's buried next to my 
          Grandpa!

Amber turns to the slab to continue working.  She pulls 
off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, 
still wearing his hunting plaid.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

                    AMBER
              (covering real emotions)
          Upset about Brett?  Nah.  Hazard of 
          the trade.  I don't really have time 
          for guys anyways.  It's weird, though.  
          He took it right between the eyes.  
          Don't often see that.

EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY

Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So you know, Brett just got shot in 
          the head.

                    BECKY
              (cool as a cucumber)
          He did?  Well, huntin's 
          dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave 
          me this 30-aught for my sixteenth 
          birthday...

INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in.

                    MR. LARSON
          Amber, I need Stella now!

SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR

                    MR. LARSON (cont'd)
          The family's steamin' like a cow pie 
          in July.  Said she didn't look nothin' 
          like the picture they gave you.

Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin.

                    AMBER
          Sorry.  I just thought she might not 
          wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a 
          cheap whore.

                    MR. LARSON
          Well, your "cheap whore" is this 
          family's "lovin' mother."
              (pointing at Brett)
          The Clemens said to make him look like 
          he just came from snowmobilin'.  Pink 
          cheeks, and...

                    AMBER
              (starting to mist up)
          -- red nose and ears.  I know, I know.

Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out.

INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett.

                    AMBER
          Sorry I couldn't talk today 
          kcause...I'm scared, okay?
              (deep breath)
          I open my locker right after first 
          period and there's a picture of Tammy 
          Curry taped inside.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a 
THRESHER.

                    AMBER
          This was written on back.

She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!"

EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car.  One prepares to 
pack some snuff.

                    TWIN OFFICER #1
          Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there.  
          After some extensive investigation, we 
          figure the Curry girl musta been 
          drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY!

                    TWIN OFFICER #2
              (holding a Skoal tin)
          Not enough left of her to fill a tin.

He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum.

INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett.

                    AMBER
          Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her 
          dad's thresher - she said the heavy 
          vibration helped her think, y'know?  
          But I know for a fact she only smoked 
          after a good drive.  You ask me or 
          anyone else who isn't scared to talk 
          about it - Tammy was murdered.
              (holding back tears)
          God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to 
          deal with crap like this...
              (to crew guy)
          Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya?

A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Man, I can't wait for fishin' 
          season...

Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse.

                    MR. LARSON
          Amber...

                    AMBER
          No, don't say it.  Another stray 
          bullet to the head.

She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          I'm gonna need more caps.

                    MR. LARSON
          You hafta go home.  There's some kinda 
          emergency at the trailer park.

                    AMBER
          Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring 
          home milk and a carton-a Luckys."

                    MR. LARSON
          No.  Loretta called.  There's been 
          a... a fire.

She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT.

EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left 
of her trailer.  All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' 
beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement.

                    AMBER
          Oh my God - no!  Is my mom okay?  Was 
          she home?

Hearse SCREECHES to a halt.  We hear a THUD, then MOANS 
from in back.  Amber jumps out.  Camera follows, a la 
"COPS."  It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an 
ambulance, etc.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Mom!  Mom!?  MOMMMM!

Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach.

                    FIREMAN #1
          You family?

                    LORETTA
          No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" 
          kcause she's got Tourettes... She's 
          Annette's kid, dipshit.

                    AMBER
              (to Loretta)
          Is Mom okay?

                    LORETTA
          She's alive, sweetie.

                    AMBER
          Where is she?!

                    LORETTA
          She's right over there.

Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they 
load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and 
start to pull away.  Amber runs after them.

                    AMBER
          Mommmm!  I'll be right behind you in 
          the hearse!

                    LORETTA
          Don't let that worry you, Annette!

EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT

INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's 
got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and 
ELEVATED.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual 
          injury here?

                    DOCTOR
          Oh you betcha, this was a doozy.  
          Right now, our chief concern is to 
          stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, 
          remove this here.

Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her 
hand.

                    AMBER
          Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.

                    ANNETTE
          Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press-
          ons.
              (weak)
          Well, I sat down for a beer and KA-
          BLEWEY!  Next thing I know, somethin' 
          blows through my kitchen window.  Next 
          thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's 
          flower bed.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK

SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK 

                    ROCKER KID #1
              (Beavis with a MN accent)
          Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book 
          under it.

                    ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.)
          Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the 
          windows open.

CAMERA MOVES, then steadies.  We see all of Rocker Kid 
#1.  Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar.

                    ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd)
          kKay-dude, hurry.  We gots like two 
          fuckin' minutes left on the battery.

                    ROCKER KID #1
          A one...two...one-two-three...

SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them!  Rocker 
Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air.

                    ROCKER KIDS
          SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!

INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

                    ANNETTE
              (to Amber)
          I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans 
          before I was blown outta the house, 
          Honey.  Check with the guy who cut my 
          pants off.  He should have kem.

                    AMBER
          Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God...

Amber starts to cry and runs out.

                    ANNETTE
          Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's 
          pregnant!
              (calling after her)
          If you are - come back, sweetie.  
          Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU!

                    LORETTA
              (running after Amber)
          Annette, why don't you just see if 
          there's any beer left in that can and 
          relax a bit.

INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Loretta and Amber face off.

                    LORETTA
          You're what?!

                    AMBER
          I-I'm quittin' the pageant.

                    LORETTA
          I heard you, I was just tryin' to 
          scare you into changin' your mind.  Oh 
          for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung 
          to your tap shoes while flyin' through 
          the air like a Goddamn lawn dart!

                    AMBER
          Oh God, I'm dead...

A candy striper approaches them.

                    CANDY STRIPER
          Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her 
          friend Serious Sally, how kbout some 
          nice cool mints to turn those frowns 
          upside-down. "S."

                    LORETTA
              (to candy striper)
          D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if 
          I shoved your head up your ass?

Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the 
hall!  Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to 
walk down the opposite direction.

                    AMBER
          So, what do I say?

                    LORETTA
          Simple.  Just say, "Mom, I know you 
          sacrificed everything - relationships, 
          dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - 
          all to bring me into this world.  All 
          so I could have tap lessons and be in 
          the pageant - the same one you were 
          in.  But, y'know what?  I'm quittin'."  
          There.  Easy as pie.

                    AMBER
          Oh my God.  I'm so dead...

                    LORETTA
          Yeah, you betcha...

INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper.

                    ANNETTE
              (throwing mints)
          Go on!  Get out!  

                    AMBER
          Mom, look, don't say anything.  First 
          of all, I'm not pregnant.

Amber sits on the bed.  Annette grabs her shirt.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Mom!

                    ANNETTE
          I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me 
          what's up.  I'm reaching' a point 
          where I'd kill someone for the 
          nicotine on their fingernails.

                    AMBER
              (deep breath)
          Okay.  Yesterday I...I got this 
          picture.  So I kinda, y'know, I'm 
          thinkin' no.  I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna 
          quit the pageant.

                    ANNETTE
          What?!

She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand.

                    AMBER
          Ow!

                    ANNETTE
              (to camera)
          Would yous boys excuse us a second?  
          Loretta, you too.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

SHOT THROUGH the window.  Amber paces around Annette's 
bed.

                    AMBER
          Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I-
          I'm not goin' through this again.

                    ANNETTE
          You're not goin' through this again?  
          You?  You're not the one who knows how 
          Jiffy Pop feels.

                    AMBER
          Oh, c'mon... First the picture of 
          Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this?  
          It's scary.

                    ANNETTE
          Let me tell you "scary," Amber.  Look 
          at me.  Do you wanna look like you 
          been rode hard and put away wet at my 
          age?  I'm a "lifer" here.  Best I can 
          hope for is to end up in a descent 
          "raisin ranch" where they'll change me 
          twice a day.

                    AMBER
          That's it, I'm goin'...

                    ANNETTE
          Honest to God, if I got to do it over?  
          I'd start walkin' outta this town the 
          minute I took my first step.  
          Practically the only thing I wouldn't 
          do different is have you...

Amber sits on the bed.

                    AMBER
          God I hope that's you and not your 
          concussion talkin'.

                    ANNETTE
              (smiling)
          It's me...I just don't want this to be 
          the thing you'd do over.  This 
          pageant's your ticket outta here.  I 
          know you can win, Amber.

                    ANNETTE (cont'd)
          C'mere.  I love you so much.

                    AMBER
          I love you much.

Annette hugs Amber.

INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta.

                    LORETTA
          Hell-no, she ain't quittin'.

                    AMBER
          No.  Mom said if I did, she'd look up 
          my dad and marry him.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So has your mom kept your dad's life a 
          secret?

                    AMBER
          No.  She never hid the fact that my 
          dad picked his career over us.  What'd 
          she used to say?

                    LORETTA
          "Once a carnie, always a carnie."

                    AMBER
          Oh-yah. 
EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING

The twin officers lean against their car.

                    TWIN OFFICER #1
          The Atkins fire?  Foul play?  Shit-no.  
          After some thorough investigatin', we 
          determined it musta been a bad wirin'.  
          Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, 
          VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one 
          outlet and don't think nothin' of it 
          ktil KABLEWEY!

                    TWIN OFFICER #2
              (taking a pinch of Skoal)
          Not enough left to fill a tin.

INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY

Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously 
stands beside her, holding a syringe.

                    ANNETTE
          "Bad wirin'?!"  Well, if that ain't 
          the biggest crock-a-shit ever.
              (turning on the candy 
               striper)
          Ooowwww-Jesus!  Did K-Mart have a sale 
          on dull needles?

                    CANDY STRIPER
          I-I just need one more "do-over."

EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W.

Follow the contestants up to the door.

INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and 
CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables.  
They couldn't seem more out of place.

INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT

                    GLADYS
          So, remember the three most important 
          parts of a good interview...

                    IRIS
          Okay, everybody, listen up!

                    GLADYS
          Number one, American Teen Princess' 
          don't cross their legs like 
          streetwalkers.

The girls put their knees together.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety-
          eight, put your knees together.
              (contestants laugh)
          I could drive a boat show in there.

Gladys paces.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Ankles together.  Hands resting 
          lightly on your laps.  Good.  Sit up 
          straight.  Smile!

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

                    GLADYS
          All right.  Number two: the judges are 
          as nervous as you are.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM

JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's 
secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, 
STARING at the camera.  HANKS sits behind them, 
fidgeting.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So are you about ready to start the 
          judging - start the interview, there?

                    JOHN
              (after long beat)
          Uh, I-I guess I could answer that.  
          Yep.  We're ready.  So, we should 
          probably get the young girls in here, 
          then.  Y'know, to start the 
          interviews...

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM

Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit.  
Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils 
ready.

                    HAROLD
              (trouble reading)
          Uh, "if you could be any tree in the 
          woods, what kinda tree would you be?"

                    TESS
              (long pause)
          Dogwood.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated.

                    MOLLY
          Bonsai.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON LESLIE, seated.

                    LESLIE
          Green?

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated.

                    MICHELLE
          A tree?  I can be any tree you want.  
          Gimme a minute.

She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON BECKY, seated.

                    BECKY
          One with strong roots in a community 
          like Mount Rose, a solid Christian 
          trunk and long leafy branches to 
          provide shade for handicapped kids on 
          a hot summer day.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then:

                    LISA
          You guys know the retard's pants are 
          open?
              (laughing)
          I don't want to see that.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly.

                    HAROLD
          "Who would you pick to be president, 
          dead or alive?"

PAN OVER to Molly Howard.

                    MOLLY
          Uh, Emperor Hirohito.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON LESLIE, seated...

                    LESLIE
          Brett Favre!

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON BECKY, seated.

                    BECKY
          My mother, kcause she could solve 
          world hunger with one of her blue-
          ribbon rhubarb pies, create world 
          peace with one of her prayers and 
          still find time to look 
          beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass.

                    JOHN
          D-do you like to swim?

The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards 
trying to find this question.

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON LISA SWENSON

                    LISA
          Oh-yah, I love to swim.  When I was in 
          New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a 
          my brothers' shows...

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

Janelle, sings a long answer.  The Judges look at each 
other confused and frustrated.

                    JOHN
          What the hell is she trying to say?
              (yelling)
          Say it!

                    JANELLE
          The ktards pants are completely off!

The Judges turn and look at Hank.

                    HAROLD
          Close up shop.  Close up shop, Hank.

                    HANK
          Harold!

                    HAROLD
          Close up shop!

V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

ON HAROLD

                    HAROLD
          You Amber Atkins?

                    AMBER (O.S.)
          Yes.  Yes I am.  Thank you, hello.

All judges turn a page on their clipboards.

                    HAROLD
          "Name and spell all the United States 
          in alphabetical order."

PAN OVER to a stunned Amber.

                    AMBER
          Seriously?

                    HAROLD (O.S.)
          Ah-yep.

Amber can't believe what she's hearing.

                    AMBER
          Well, ah...Alabama.  A-L-A-B-A-M-A.  
          Alaska.  A-L-A-S-K-A.  Arizona.  A-R-I-
          Z-O-N-A.

                                    
V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

                    AMBER
          West Virginia.  W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A.  
          Wisconsin.  W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N.  
          Wyoming.  W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. 

Pan over to Judges.  They can't believe it.  Hank CLAPS 
retardedly.  He loves her.

                    HAROLD
              (looking at others)
          Uh-okay, then.

INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

A NURSE now stands beside Mary.

                    MARY
          With two weeks until the pageant...
              (continued labored breaths)
          I was practicing my talent.  Finishing 
          my costume, brushing up on current 
          events, and running eighteen miles a 
          day on about four hundred calories.  I 
          was ready.

The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen.  Mary smiles and 
gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask.

DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

PAN DOWN long, narrow room.  A counter, with mirrors and 
bare bulbs, cover one wall.  Girls set up their areas and 
change into their talent costumes.

SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT

                    IRIS
          Coupla things...Gladys wants to be 
          sure we go in show order today.  All 
          right?  So very important.  Don't 
          forget that.

                                                     CUT TO:

DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing 
beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the 
counter.

                    LESLIE
              (unusually serious)
          Oh-yah, really nervous.  It's been 
          about two months.  I haven't told my 
          boyfriend yet.  How did you know?

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          I meant, nervous about the pageant?

                    LESLIE
              (suddenly perky)
          Oh!  Nervous about the pageant!  Yah 
          sure!  

She kisses a photo and GIGGLES.

                                                     CUT TO:

DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and 
sweater.

                    BECKY
          There are eight thousand sequins and 
          fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, 
          alone.  My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it.  
          She's one of my father's many Mexican 
          (Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the 
          poverty they know in Mexico 
          (Me'heek'koe).

                                                     CUT TO:

DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter.

                    AMBER
          Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto 
          mine forming like this big polyester 
          meteor in our closet, y'know?  But, in 
          some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor 
          boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap 
          costume on the roof-a their trailer 
          while he was settin' coon traps for 
          his dad.  Here's the weird part.  It 
          was still on the hanger.

DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" 
sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets.

                    TESS
          And, uh, this is my lucky bolt.  They 
          think it fell from a DC-10.  The 
          doctor said I was lucky the flat side 
          hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone 
          right through my head.
              (holds up red tap dress)
          I know, I know, gives me the willies, 
          too.  I guess the explosion...

Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with 
ballet slippers, glides up to Amber.

                    JANELLE
              (slow, due to signing)
          Amber?  Can we switch numbers?  I need 
          to go first.
              (smiling to camera)
          My cousin just had a deaf baby and I 
          get to go see it!

                    AMBER
          Yah-sure, eight's my luck number 
          anyway.  Diane Sawyer was number eight 
          at her local.

                    JANELLE
          Thank you.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle 
performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the 
words.  In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious.

                    GLADYS
              (loud whisper)
          I'll be honest.  This is a hard time 
          for me.  This is the part of the 
          pageant when you realize that tomorrow 
          night, all but one of these girls will 
          walk out of here a loser.  It's hard 
          for me to know how that must feel, but 
          I'm sure it doesn't feel good.

In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head.  
CRASH!  Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage.  "Through the 
Eyes of Love" continues throughout.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT

A very shaken Amber paces.

                    AMBER
          Don't you get it?  I was supposed to 
          go first.  I was contestant number 
          one.  That light was meant for my 
          head.  If Janelle hadn't wanted to 
          change numbers... God, I owe my life 
          to that deaf baby.

Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand.

                    LORETTA
          That was your mom.  She wanted you to 
          have this.

                    AMBER
              (taking drink)
          Really, Loretta?

                    LORETTA
              (avoiding eye contact)
          You-betcha.

                    AMBER
          My mom wanted me to have this?

                    LORETTA
          Oh, shut up.  I thought it might help 
          you get some sleep.

                    AMBER
          Loretta, never have kids.

                    LORETTA
          Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still 
          could.

Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to 
Amber.

                    LORETTA (cont'd)
          Here, your ma did want you to have 
          this since your other one got toasted 
          and all.

Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN.

                    AMBER
          Oh...my...God!  It's just like Diane 
          Sawyer's!  kCourse it's not a size 
          ten, Diane was a little hippy back 
          then.  Oh, thank you!  Thank you!  
          Thank you!

She hugs Loretta.

EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT

SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT

BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess 
Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS."  The ENTIRE 
TOWN is excitedly entering.

CLOSE ON 

Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's 
embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass.  All 
three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them.

                    MR. HOWARD

                    MRS. HOWARD
          Go Molly!  Go!  Number one daughter!

Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group 
of ROWDY GUYS approach. 

                    PAT
          Whooo!  Leslie kicks Teen Princess 
          ass!  Go Muskies!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

STAGE IS DARK.  Crowd takes their seats.  You can feel 
the electricity.

We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL.  SPOTLIGHT hits center 
stage.  Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic.  
Applause!

                    GLADYS
          Welcome, welcome.  Okay, alright, now.  
          Is this for me or the gown?

Laughter and applause trail off.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Welcome to the Mount Rose American 
          Teen Princess Pageant.  While every 
          contestant you'll meet tonight is 
          special and unique, they all have one 
          thing in common.  They're all "Proud - 
          to - be - an - American!"

Wild applause!  Jazzy patriotic medley tape.  Gym doors 
fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, 
CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument 
Headdresses.  They struggle to maintain balance as they 
dance, moving only their arms, on stage.

                                                     CUT TO:

Becky, whose head is built like another president into 
Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic.  (The "dance" 
continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the 
mic.)

                    BECKY
          I chose Mount Rushmore, because to 
          live in a country where you can take 
          an ugly old mountain and put faces on 
          it, faces of great Americans, who did 
          so much to make our country super 
          great, well that makes me - Rebecca 
          Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS

ON LISA SWENSON

wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress.  (It's a Barbie 
Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.)

                    LISA
          Living in a country where Lady Liberty 
          keeps her flame burning bright.

She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's 
hard to reach and won't light.

                    LISA (cont'd)
          Keeps her flame burning bright...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

ON LESLIE MILLER

as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington 
Monument Headdress.

                    LESLIE
          The Washington Monument...

Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S.

                    LESLIE (cont'd)
              (enjoying this)
          ..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be 
          an American.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

ON AMBER ATKINS

with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic.

                    AMBER
          Living in a country where no matter 
          who you are or where you come from, 
          you can grow up and become what you've 
          always dreamed of, makes me, Amber 
          Atkins, proud to be an American!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

ON MOLLY HOWARD

wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress.

                    MOLLY
          Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, 
          proud to be an Asian-American.

As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a 
huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic.

                    TESS
          Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's 
          Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy 
          Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me 
          proud I'm American - I kinda 
          misunderstood the assignment.

The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the 
stage, still attached at one end to her head.

BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM

Pandemonium!  Contestants change into their "Physical 
Fitness" outfits.  (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) 
Civil Servettes try to help.  A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle 
Betz sits at her counter space.

                    IRIS
          Okay, okay!  Listen-up.  Coupla notes 
          from last night's dress rehearsal.
              (off clipboard)
          Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous 
          are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' 
          the "Physical Fitness" routine...

                    AMBER
          Oh my God!  My-my tap costume's gone.

Commotion stops.  Becky continues to get ready.

                    IRIS
          Uh, Amber?  We're not puttin' on our 
          Talent costumes.  
          You need to put on your "Physical 
          Fitness" outfit.  And let's shake a 
          leg, ladies.

                    AMBER
          No, wait.  It-it was here before the 
          openin' number...wait.  What am I 
          sayin'?  I should just ask you, Becky.  
          Where is it?

Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber.

                    BECKY
          What?

                    AMBER
          You heard me.  Where is it?

The other contestants slowly clear a path between them.

                    BECKY
          If you're gettin' at somethin', you 
          better just say it.

                    AMBER
          I just did.

                    BECKY
          Well then, you better be willin' to 
          back it up, kcause you're talkin' like 
          crazy.

They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's 
brewin'.

                    AMBER
          Oh-oh, you bring me some of that 
          snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on.

                    BECKY
          Well, as my mother says at Sunday 
          dinner, "Come and get it," bitch!

                    AMBER
          Oh, I'll "get it."  I'll "get it" all 
          right.  I might even take seconds.

They're moving ever closer...

                    BECKY
          If you want seconds, then I'll make 
          sure it's hot enough for ya.

                    AMBER
          Bitch!

                    IRIS
              (stepping between them)
          Girls!  Girls!

                    BECKY
          Give me your stringy-ass hair!

                    AMBER
          I'll get you!

                    CREW GUY (O.S.)
              (barely audible)
          Oh God, don't stop kem now...

                    BECKY
          You're choking my, you fucking bitch!

                    IRIS
              (putting hand over camera)
          Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys 
          should, uh, should be in here while 
          the girls are changin'.

                    AMBER
          I hate her!

                    IRIS
          We all do.  Now let's go.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Gladys is center stage.

                    GLADYS
          Yah-so how kbout a big round of 
          applause for last year's Mount Rose 
          American Teen Princess, in a farewell 
          performance.  Who could forget her lip-
          synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by 
          Melissa Manchester.  And here she is, 
          Mary Johanson!

Applause!  Gladys exits.  TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn."  A 
NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, 
complete with portable oxygen.  Mary wears a gigantic 
black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body.  
She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her 
emotionally around the stage.

EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside 
the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and 
blue step ladders.  Becky and Amber stare at each other 
from opposite ends of the line.

                    IRIS
          All right, why don't we take up the 
          stepladders, all right?  For the 
          Physical Fitness number?

                    BECKY
              (picking up her stool)
          They're wet.

                    LISA
          Hey, my hands are stuck.

                    MOLLY
              (sniffing)
          Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.

                    IRIS
          Well, hold kem away from you so it 
          doesn't get on the outfits.
              (turning to Servettes)
          What kinda mental retard paints step 
          ladders the morning of a pageant.

ON STAGE

Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold.  Gladys adjusts 
her dress, frazzled.

                    HANK
              (under throughout)
          Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - 
          here come the judge - pinch, pinch - 
          here come the judge...

                    GLADYS
          Get back!  Get back, you total retard!

                    LORETTA
          Go Hank!

                    GLADYS
          I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine.  
          I'm okay...well, our other judges are 
          Jean Kangas and John Dough...

EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen 
comes out.

                    CHLORIS
              (loud whisper)
          Opening number looked, uh, good.  
          Solid.  But now you're gonna have to 
          actually dance, so...
              (holds up jar of Vaseline)
          Here.  Put a dab of this on the old 
          choppers, ladies.  It'll help you 
          smile.  And when they're lookin' at 
          your teeth - God willin' - they won't 
          be lookin at your feet.

Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits.  From the gym, we 
hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC.  Contestants CHEER and run 
in.

"PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC

As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have 
more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their 
clothes, arms and legs.

Amber's clearly the best.

Taped music ENDS.  Contestants, covered with paint, 
strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, 
kneeling.  Applause.

BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY

Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of 
TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and 
legs.

                    BECKY
          Hurry up.

                    LESLIE
          Okay, guys, I think we all got some.  
          You just take it off.

                    AMBER
          Here, I didn't get any.

                    LESLIE
          Here, have some.

                    MICHELLE
          Hand me another white one.

                    LISA
          Listen, you guys, don't go int the 
          bathroom.  Tess blew chunks all over. 
          Man, she ate a big dinner.

                    BECKY
          Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky 
          bolt down her throat for desert.

Becky storms off.

                    AMBER
              (sotto, to other girls)
          And the winner of the "Spirit" award 
          goes to...

Girls laugh quietly.  Iris pulls a dazed and confused 
Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic.

                    IRIS
              (reading from notecard)
          "I'd like to take you back seventeen 
          years, when a peanut farmer was in the 
          White House, a group-a boys callin' 
          themselves kQueen' topped the record 
          charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys 
          Wood and she was Mount Rose American 
          Teen Princess!"

Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes.  
Applause.  A SLIDE is shown of her at 17.

                    GLADYS
              (taking mic)
          Thank you, thank you.  You know, I won 
          the talent contest by sewing these 
          culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2.  
          Can you believe it?  They still fit!

                    LORETTA
          She had a big ass then, she's got a 
          big ass now.

                    GLADYS
              (pausing for applause)
          Thank you, thank you.  
          Our next eontestant is ready, so let's 
          welcome her: Tess Weinhaus!

APPLAUSE.  Tess is pushed on stage.

BACKSTAGE - LEFT

Amber paces.  ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic.

                    TESS
              (in the b.g. throughout)
          The beagle is known for it's howl.  
          "Aaauuuuuhhhh."  The Pekinese has it's 
          own distinctive bark.  "Yip, yip, 
          yip."  Not to be confused with the 
          Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap."  But 
          none can compare to the greatest bark 
          of all - the German Shepherd...

                    AMBER
              (to camera, loud whisper)
          ...Yah-it's just gone...
              (eyes welling up)
          I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know?  
          I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that 
          I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least 
          get a chance to compete?
              (starting to sob)
          I just wanted my Mom to see me dance.

CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand.

                    CHLORIS
              (loud whisper)
          Amber - Amber, c'mere.

                    AMBER
          Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline 
          on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for 
          a year.

                    CHLORIS
          No.  Here.

Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag.

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          It's nothin' special, but talent like 
          yours doesn't need to hide behind 
          sequins.

                    AMBER
          Mrs. K--

                    CHLORIS
          You're... you're special and... Ah 
          hell, go out there and kick some 
          Leeman ass.

Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug.

                    CHLORIS (cont'd)
          Not so hard, sweetie.  I heard 
          somethin' snap...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an 
amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS 
wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.).

                    LESLIE
          Roll him over --
              (clap, clap, clap)
          Lay him flat
              (clap, clap, clap)
          Pin his shoulders
              (clap, clap, clap)
          To the mat
              (clap, clap, clap)
          Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his 
          shoulders, to the mat!  Yeahhhh!

She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS.  APPLAUSE!

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, 
wearing all black.  She smiles warmly.  Then, with one 
sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops.  
She's dead serious.

                    MICHELLE
              (without emotion)
          Fade in...Earth.  The year is two-
          thousand twenty-four.  The question on 
          everyone's mind:  What is...Soylent 
          Green?

She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in 
character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic.

BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS

Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris.  Michelle 
performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g.

                    AMBER
              (loud whisper)
          Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to 
          me?  Why're you pretendin' you don't 
          know what's goin' on?

                    IRIS
          Amber, I'm sorry.  I really am.  But 
          you know the rules.  All talent 
          costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys 
          before the pageant.

                    AMBER
          But, doesn't someone taking your 
          costume so you can't compete, overrule 
          that rule?

                    IRIS
          Sorry.  I-I don't make the rules.

                    AMBER
          This, this... This is bullshit!

                    IRIS
          Amber Atkins!  That is not American 
          Teen Princess language!

                    AMBER
          Good, kcause this isn't an American 
          Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's 
          Nazi Germany!

Amber storms off.

                    IRIS
              (shaking head)
          Where do they get this stuff...

INT. BACKSTAGE

CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - 
RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE.

                    AMBER
          Mrs. Leeman?

                    GLADYS
              (turning)
          Huh?

                    AMBER
          I-I'm wearin' this costume.  I'm, uh, 
          I'm gonna do my talent tonight.

                    GLADYS
          Oh really - I don't think so.
              (suddenly aware of camera)
          Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of 
          bad news, but rules state that a 
          costume must be okay'd at least a week 
          in advance.  And this...
              (pointing to costume)
          This is why we have the rule.  My 
          goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a 
          neckline this low on stage.  We have 
          kids in the audience.

                    AMBER
          But, you - I mean... It's not my 
          fault.  I-I... Please?  I didn't do 
          anything wrong...

Amber starts to cry.

                    MICHELLE
              (climaxing)
          That's why... I must say...
              (raising arm upward)
          Soylent Green... is... people.

She doubles over.  She's given it all.  APPLAUSE.

                    GLADYS
          Oops, that's my cue.

Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like 
a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber.  
She's twirling toy guns on her fingers.

                    MOLLY
          Wish me luck.

                    AMBER
              (drying her eyes)
          Good luck, Molly.

One of Molly's guns flies off her finger.  She goes to 
retrieve it.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" 
shots into the air.  It's incredibly repetitive and dull.

BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., 
Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with 
a cigarette lighter.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Gladys is center stage.  Molly Howard walks off crying, 
having just finished her routine.  POLITE APPLAUSE.  
She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying.

                    GLADYS
          Thank you, Molly.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA

Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and 
others try to console a CRYING Amber.  Becky continues 
singing O.S.

                    LISA
              (arm around Amber)
          Oh, Amber...

                    AMBER
              (can't catch breath)
          I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to 
          compe-e-e-e-ete.

                    LISA
          I can't believe this is happenin'.  I 
          can't believe she said you couldn't...

Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket.

                    LISA (cont'd)
          Amber?  Here.

                    AMBER
              (still sobbing)
          "Here," wh-wh-what?

                    LISA
          My jacket.  Take it kcause, y'know, I 
          got my costume okay'd before the 
          pageant.  You can wear it.

                    MICHELLE
          Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this.

                    LESLIE
              (to Lisa)
          They're never gonna let you perform 
          naked.  I asked.

                    LISA
          Shut up, yous guys.  Look, Amber, I'm 
          not gonna win.  And let's be honest, a 
          family only needs one "Liza" and you 
          know Peter's got much better legs than 
          me.

                    AMBER
          Your parents'd kill you.

                    LISA
          Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know 
          they only had me kcause Peter needed a 
          kidney.

                    AMBER
          Lis, I want to, I really do, but... 
          Oh, I can't.

                    LISA
          Then do it for Peter.  Mrs. Leeman 
          used to call him a "skinny little fag" 
          when he'd bag her groceries.  He'd pop 
          his Nancy-belt if his old jacket 
          somehow, I don't know, got her back.

                    AMBER
          Yah?

                    LISA
          Oh-you-beccha.

Amber hugs her and takes the jacket.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

Gladys guides Molly off the stage.

                    GLADYS
          Now, it's with overwhelming pride that 
          I introduce contestant number six, who 
          also happens to be president of her 
          class - two years running - a member 
          of the honor roll and the new 
          President of the Lutheran Sisterhood 
          Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman!

STAGE GOES BLACK.  SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge 
of the stage, holding a mic.  She's head to toe sequins 
in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. 

                    BECKY
              (talking over music)
          I don't know how many of you know 
          this, but I've got a very special 
          fella in my life - that's right, I 
          do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to 
          sing a little song, just for him.

SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to 
what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN.  TAPED INTRO TO 
"I Can't Take My Eyes Off You."

                    BECKY (cont'd)
          You're just too good to be true.  
          Can't take my eyes off of you.  You'd 
          be like Heaven to touch.  I wanna hold 
          you so much.  At long last love has 
          arrived and I thank God I'm alive.  

Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed 
like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, 
crown of thorns, loincloth.  The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they 
move freely.  (Hands of stigmata.)

                    BECKY (cont'd)
          You're just to good to be true.  Can't 
          take my eyes off of you...

Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - 
and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter-
bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her 
shoulders).

DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY 
MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS 
CROTCH.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE

Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber.

                    IRIS
          C'mon, Lisa.  You're up next.

                    LISA
          I quit.  And, uh, since my costume, 
          y'know, was okay'd a month ago?  I'm 
          givin' it to Amber.

Amber breaks a smile.

Taped music ENDS.  APPLAUSE.  Gladys, mic in hand, joins 
Becky for a big hug.

                    GLADYS
          Boy, I'd hate to follow that.  Wow!

Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Voice of an angel, that one.

Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in 
Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          ...Uh, I was just told that contestant 
          number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite 
          the pageant.

CROWD REACTS.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Well, these things happen.  At any 
          rate, we still have one more 
          contestant - number eight, Amber 
          Atkins.

Gladys exits.  A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts.  
Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT.  (Now wearing 
Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.)  Her feet burst into 
an amazing routine.  The loud drum beats seem to fly from 
her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm.  There's 
no glitz, just unbelievable skill.  It appears effortless 
as she floats around stage.  Like watching Michael 
Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your 
eyes off her.  She concludes, center stage, with the 
GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE.  The audience goes 
WILD!  Amber takes bow after bow - they love her.  Gladys 
enters quickly, mic in hand.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Okay, okay, okay!  Well, now, it's 
          finally time to say good-bye to our 
          judges, so they can go make the 
          toughest decision of their lives.

PAN TO JUDGES.  They look nervous as hell.  A relaxed 
Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT

Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in 
front of them.  Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint 
soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So who get's the crown?  How are you 
          going to figure this all out?

                    JOHN
          Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare 
          scores and uh, figure out a-a winner.  
          kCause we don't know the winner yet... 
          I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and 
          Harold picked.  No idea.  Did Gladys 
          send you in here?

                    HANK
          I know the winner!  I know the winner!  
          I know the winner!

                    JOHN
          No you don't!  Shut your goddamn 
          mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!!

Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the 
table at Hank.

                    HAROLD
          Wait a second.

                    JOHN
          You shut it!  You goddamn retard!

Hank freezes, then starts to wail!

                    HANK
          EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE!

                    HAROLD
          Come on!  Hankey here can't help it if 
          he was born crazier than a shithouse 
          rat!

Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag.

                    JOHN
          For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave 
          him with a sitter?

Hank begins crying again.

                    HAROLD
          Real nice.  You know the sitter's 
          dead.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM

Girls, in gowns, sit in silence.  Becky and Amber sit at 
opposite ends of the room.  There's obvious tension.

                    LESLIE
          So, anyone talk to Janelle?

                    AMBER
          Yah-I brought her some flowers this 
          morning.  She's in the room next to my 
          mom.  She's super happy.

Girls ad-lib SHOCK.

                    TESS
          She's happy?

                    LESLIE
          Why happy?

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Oh -- the blow to her head made her 
          deaf...

Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see.  Okay-then." etc.  Another LONG 
BEAT of SILENCE follows.  Becky gets up to re-touch her 
make-up.

                    BECKY
              (losing it)
          Oh, good Lord!  What're they doin'?  
          Lettin' the retard count votes?!

Contestants stare at her in shock.  Iris enters.

                    IRIS
          It's time, ladies.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Judges are back.  Gladys is center stage.  Girls enter 
and form a line behind her.  TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY 
STARTS.

                    GLADYS
          Welcome back, everyone.  Judges.  Our 
          Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty-
    
Taped fanfare.  Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, 
stands to one side.  

                    PAT (O.S.)
          You rule, Leslie!

Audience laughs.  Leslie waves.

                    GLADYS
          Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar 
          scholarship --

Audience ad-libs amazement.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          ...will be awarded to the First Runner-
          up.

Taped DRUM ROLL.  Contestants (except Becky) take hands.  
Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          And the First Runner-up is -
              (opening envelope, face 
               drops)
          Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins.

Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief.  Contestants are 
stunned.  Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy 
and stands beside Leslie.  Audience finally quiets.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          And finally, the moment I know I've 
          been waiting for...

Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope.  Mary 
Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          With a scholarship of five-hundred 
          dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, 
          and all expenses paid for next weekend 
          when she'll be competin' for the title 
          of Minnesota American Teen Princess...

Taped drum roll.  Gladys opens the envelope.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Our new Mount Rose American Teen 
          Princess is contestant number - ah 
          heck, she's my daughter - number 
          seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman!

Polite audience applause.  Becky rushes forward.  Gladys 
RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky.

                    BECKY
          Oh, thank you so much!

AUDIENCE

Loretta and Annette watch on.

                    ANNETTE
          Shit.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and 
sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk.

                    ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR
              (tune of "Miss America")
          "Here she is, Our Mount Rose American 
          Teen Princess.  Look at her, doesn't 
          she look fine.  Our hearts swell big, 
          as we look at her.  Our Mount Rose 
          American Teen Princess."

EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

AMBULANCE pulls up.  Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped 
in wheelchair, is brought out and put in.  Amber and 
Loretta wheel Annette out.  Paramedics put her in, too.

                    ANNETTE
          We was robbed.

                    LORETTA
          Okay.  Take her purse.

                    AMBER
          Bye mom.

                    ANNETTE
          We was robbed.

                    AMBER
          It's okay.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away.

                    AMBER
          Oh, Mom's okay.  They're just givin' 
          her a ride back.  She almost blew 
          outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on 
          the way over.

                    LORETTA
          Thank God for bunge cords.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

                    AMBER
              (tearing up)
          ...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got 
          to perform.  And Mom got to see me.
              (crying)
          I guess number eight only worked for 
          Diane Sawyer...

Loretta puts her arm around Amber.  They walk off as 
Leslie and Pat approach.

                    LESLIE
          Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up!  Whooo!  
          I got second place!

                    PAT
          Third.

                    LESLIE
          Huh?

Lisa passes by with her parents.  They look pissed.

                    LISA
          No, it was worth it.  Amber shoulda 
          won.

                    LISA'S FATHER
          I'll tell ya one thing.  Peter never 
          woulda pulled a shenanigan like that.

                    LISA
          Well, y'know what, dad?  Y'know what?  
          Peter's gay!

She runs off.  Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS.

                    LISA'S FATHER
          What?!

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE.  Flashes illuminate it.  With each 
photo she changes her smile and expression.  She loves 
this.

PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news 
cameras, flash pictures.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          So, how does it feel to be the new 
          Mount Rose American Teen Princess, 
          Becky?

OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen 
and note pad.

                    BECKY
          Well, it's all happenin' so fast.  
          Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems 
          real, y'know?  I mean, I won!  I'm the 
          winner!  I'm going to State!

                    GLADYS
          She's the winner and we're going to 
          state.

INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY

Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke.

                    FRY GIRL #1
          What a surprise.  Gladys Leeman's 
          finally gonna go to State.  
          And she'll probably ride on Becky's 
          ass all the way to Nationals, too.

                    PREGNANT FRY GIRL
          I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. 

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Are you ladies going to the parade 
          tomorrow?

                    PREGNANT FRY GIRL
          Nah.  I think I'm like, due or 
          somethin'.

MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY

Beautiful sunny day.  Lester talks to camera.

                    LESTER
          Ahhh.  Beautiful as a whore's ass 
          today.  Eh, boys?

In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and 
points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT.

                    GLADYS
              (into bullhorn)
          Hey!  Turn that float around.  You 
          think a swan's gonna swim ass first up 
          Main Street?

                    LESTER
          Yah-Gladys had me order that swan 
          special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) 
          in case Becky won.  I do a lotta 
          business with those people.  I always 
          offer to pay kem in tacos.
              (laughing)
          Whoo, they love that.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Entire town lines the road.  The Mayor and the Leman 
family stand behind the red ribbon.  Parade PARTICIPANTS 
are lined up behind them.

                    MAYOR
              (into bullhorn)
          Yah-hello-hello...shit!  How the fuck 
          do ya work this damn thing, huh?  Oh.  
          Welcome to our first ever American 
          Teen Princess Parade - which also 
          happens to be the unveiling of our new 
          sewer system!

CHEERS!  Becky cuts the ribbon.  More CHEERS!

                    MAYOR (cont'd)
          Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, 
          then, any questions kbout the new 
          sewer?  Yah, Clem?

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

THE PASSING PARADE:

- THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, 
hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags.

- TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose 
High School Band.  They play - way off key.

- JUDGES wave from a convertible.  Hank, in passenger's 
seat, struggles to get out.  His seatbelt prevents it.

- TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently.

- TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters.

- FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed 
with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP.

- FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00"

- A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck.  Harold 
quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a 
pouting Hank.

                    HAROLD
          Let's get this straight right now.  We 
          wouldn't have been late at all if it 
          wasn't for you. 

                    HANK
          I want to have the big bag of little 
          donuts.

                    HAROLD
          You get nothing, Hank, okay?

                    HANK
          I want to get the big bag of little 
          donuts.

                    HAROLD
          There's your paint can.  The next time 
          you drink window cleaner, I'm just 
          gonna leave it in ya.

Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks 
carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk.  

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA

PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, 
unaware of camera.  In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews 
Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan 
float.

                    GLADYS
          C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it.  Now 
          get up there.  Ride it side-saddle if 
          you have to - like a horse.  C'mon, 
          now.

                    BECKY
          It smells funny.  Like gasoline.

                    GLADYS
          Oh for chrissakes, everything smells 
          like that in Mexico.

                    BECKY
          My dress'll reek.

                    GLADYS
          Listen, little missy, this cost your 
          dad a pretty penny.  Now get your ass 
          up there and show me some teeth.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare 
straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from 
the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible.

                    LESLIE
          Amber, if I die from these fumes, will 
          you be sure to cover the hickies on my 
          neck?

                    AMBER
          Yeah...

                    LESLIE
          And the bite marks on my ears?

                    AMBER
              (slowly turning)
          Yes...

                    LESLIE
          I know it doesn't matter, but on my 
          inner thighs.

                    AMBER
          Yes, Leslie!

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, 
SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS 
OVERALLS.  He starts to walk, but can't, eventually 
leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if 
walking.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP 
OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks.  ANOTHER 
LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it 
just out of his reach.  Hank bats at them like 
Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by 
the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's 
cotton candy with the other.  The kid struggles to get 
away.  A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground.

                    HANK
          Help...Hank!  Help...Hank!  
          Help...Hank!  Help...Hank!

ON SWAN FLOAT.  Gladys approaches.

                    GLADYS
          Okay, I designed the float, you know.  
          And, what's gonna happen here is that 
          this is going to look like a 
          glistening lake beneath the swan.

                    IRIS
          Uh, Gladys?

                    GLADYS
          What!

                    IRIS
          We need more bars!

                    GLADYS
          This is -- what?

                    IRIS
          Enid ate a whole pan!

                    GLADYS
          I swear to God she can't do anything 
          by herself.

EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

                    AMBER
              (to camera)
          Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured 
          it.  Chokin' on swan gas.

Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES!

Gladys is thrown back.  Flames.  Screaming.  PANDEMONIUM!  
Becky doesn't have a chance.  She's a pink taffeta BALL 
OF FIRE.  The swan's back eventually collapses taking 
Becky into it's burning belly. 

INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO.

Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and 
only chance at State go up in flames.  Suddenly, she 
CRACKS!

                    GLADYS
          Oh my God!  My Baby!  The swan ate my 
          baby!
              (grabbing at burning float)
          Ow-ow-ow!  Get up, Rebecca!  Get outta 
          there!  We've gotta go to State!  Oh 
          hot!
              (she scorches her blouse)
          Oh, damn.  I like this blouse.  
          Rebecca!  Get up, angel face.  Time to 
          go to State!  Ow-ow-ow!

Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float.  Iris 
pulls her off.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Get offa me, you cow!

Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          What're you lookin' at?  Huh?  A whole 
          God Damn town of losers!  That's what 
          I'm lookin' at!

Crowd reacts.  Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her 
car.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          You!  You piece-a-shit trailer trash!  
          This shoulda been you!  Damn, I 
          shoulda killed you when I had the 

The crows reacts again.  Gladys spins, noticing someone.  
Lester approaches.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Hey, Ted, sorry.  I didn't know your 
          family was in the garage when I set it 
          on fire!

                    LESTER
          Gladys!  Stop it!

                    GLADYS
          Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much 
          as it was a bake sale.  Ah-
          hahahahahahahaha!

Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          Let go-a-me, you old bastard!

She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging 
it.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
          At least you've got another daughter.

CROWD GASPS.  Then stunned SILENCE.  CAMERA CIRCLES 
Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd.

                    LESTER
          So help me, Gladys.

                    GLADYS
          Becky was my only shot at state!

                    LESTER
          That's enough!

                    GLADYS
          Let go!  Let go of me.  Oh my God, 
          it's COPS!

TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and 
aggressively tackle Gladys.  As the struggle on the 
ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with 
the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them.

                    GLADYS (cont'd)
              (pointing to Lester)
          He sells reproductions!  His 
          furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew.

                    SCOTT
          Hey, man, how're you doin'?

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Hi!  What's up, Scott?  You remember 
          Bruce, right?

                    SCOTT
          Long time, no see.

                    DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
          Bruce, that's Roy.
              (they shake hands)
          Roy, Bruce.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

Lovely hillside.  A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - 
stand beside a FRESH GRAVE.

                    PASTOR
          That's why, dear Lord, it's with such 
          great sorrow that we turn over to you 
          a young woman whose dream of ridin' on 
          a giant swan brought about her 
          untimely death.  Maybe it's your way 
          of telling us to buy American.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

The funeral is over.  Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes 
awkwardly face each other beside the grave.  Iris takes 
the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone.

                    IRIS
          As, uh, actin' President of the Mount 
          Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty 
          since Becky can't fulfill her duties - 
          kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you 
          Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

She puts the TIARA on AMBER.  Loretta FLASHES pictures.

                    MALE REPORTER #1
          Turn around and let me see.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are 
leaving the crowning ceremony.  All are happy as they 
push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery.

                    LORETTA
          What is wrong with you?

                    AMBER
          I don't know.  I just didn't wanna win 
          like this.

                    LORETTA
          You stop right there.  You are a good 
          person.  Good things happen to good 
          people.

                    AMBER
          Really?

                    LORETTA
          No.  It's pure bullshit, sweetie.  
          You're lucky as hell, so you might as 
          well enjoy it.  Let's get you a root 
          beer float.

                    AMBER
          Okay.

                    LORETTA
          Do you guys want some shots?  I'm 
          buyin'.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY

Amber sits on the picnic table.  In the b.g., Loretta 
exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY.  She pats his buns 
as he exits.  She approaches Amber with a packet.

                    AMBER (V.O.)
          I never liked her, but she didn't 
          deserve to die in the belly of a swan 
          like that.  The whole thing's just 
          kinda sad and lame at the same time.

                    LORETTA
              (handing over packet)
          This came for you, sweetie.

                    AMBER
          Ah!  It's from State!  Oh my God!

Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with 
COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
              (paging through packet)
          It's all the stuff I get to do.  Oh my 
          God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get 
          a "personal consultation" with a make-
          up artist -- Eeeh!  Okay, um, there'll 
          be a choreographer to the stars and, 
          oh no -- No way.  Oh... My... God!

                    LORETTA
          What?  For chrissakes, spit it out.

                    AMBER
          I'll be stayin' overnight at... The 
          Airport Howard Johnsons!

                    LORETTA
          Right by the airport - Oh, Amber...

                    AMBER
          There's an indoor swimming pool!  
          Ahhhh!

Loretta joins in the screaming.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Oh crap - I only got four days.  I 
          gotta practice!

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING

MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC.

Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, 
book bag in hand.  SMILES.  WAVES.

EXT. TRAILER PARK

Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park.

INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE

Amber scrapes trays.  PAN DOWN.  She wears tap shoes, 
practices her routine.

INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY

Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a 
bedpan on her head.

INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE

Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as 
a partner.  A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a 
sheet covering his nasties.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT

In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the 
light of the FULL HARVEST MOON.

                                              DIP TO BLACK:

EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY

WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS"

We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge 
banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, 
FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than 
thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is 
deafening.

                    LORETTA
          All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo."

                    AMBER
          Airport Ho-Jo!

                    LORETTA
          I got it!  Yeah, why don't ya take a 

Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse.  
Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and 
occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at 
this unusual sight.

                    AMBER
          Loretta, don't do that.

                    LORETTA
          I'm sorry.  They're just starin'.

                    AMBER
          I gotta work with these women.

                    LORETTA
          Okay, sweetie, that's all right.  
          Let's go.  Let's go.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic 
palms, etc.  CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area.  BANNER: 
"STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING 
ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more 
mature, more professional.  Amber smiles and gives a 
little wave.  Terry approaches Amber.

                    TERRY
          And you are...

                    AMBER
          Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

                    TERRY
          Funny, you don't look dead.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants.

SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA 
AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE 
MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY

                    COLLEEN
          Okay ladies, listen up.  I'm Colleen 
          Douglas and this raving beauty on my 
          right -- 

                    TERRY
          I'm a mirror.

                    COLLEEN
          Correction.  This spunky monkey on my 
          right is Terry Macey.  And we are your 
          Minnesota American Teen Princess State 
          Board.

                    TERRY
          We're also the co-founders of the 
          Minnesota Modeling Academy.  
          Applications are at the tiki bar.  
          We'll wave the fifty dollar 
          application fee if you list a friend 
          and put her address.

                    COLLEEN
          That's right.

                    TERRY
          Okay?

                    COLLEEN
          Mm-hm.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man 
next to her.

                    LORETTA
          So...you're cute.  Oh, I see you're 
          married.
              (to bartender)
          You catch this in your mouth, I'll 
          give you a present.  All right?  Open 
          wide...
              (she throws the olive)
          Oh, God, you got that on the first 
          try.  Come here.

Loretta kisses the bartender.

                    LORETTA (cont'd)
          You are cute.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY

                    TERRY
          Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the 
          fact that Nationals didn't cough up a 
          damn nickel this year - you won't be 
          stayin' overnight.  So pay attention, 
          you've got about eight hours until 
          showtime.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box.  Mr. Melchoir, the 
choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced 
crisscrossing formations.  Amber is among them.  Miss St. 
Paul screws up.

                    MR. MELCHOIR
          Remember to count, ladies.  Cross on 
          the left and arms up on eight!  On the 
          beat!  On the beat!  Keep on it!  Keep 
          movin' it!  C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, 
          take that stick out of your ass or I 
          will.  All right.  Very nice.  Now 
          come on, arms out.  We're in the front 
          row.  Come on, sell it!  That's very 
          nice.  Remember, figure eights, 
          ladies...

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table 
that's covered with empties.  In the b.g., a pageant 
worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants.  All the 
while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool.

                    COLLEEN
              (tipsy, holding up glass)
          I can sum up our entire philosophy 
          with this glass.  I look at it and 
          say, "it's half full."  Which, in the 
          beauty pageant biz means, "Where the 
          hell's my waiter!"

She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair.

                    COLLEEN (cont'd)
              (screaming)
          Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo 
          before I rip your fat little heads 
          off!

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS

A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is 
staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well-
supported chest.

                    MR. MELCHOIR
          Miss Burnsville, you're up next...

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER

Amber sits addressing the camera.  Miss Burnsville is 
gone.

                    AMBER
          Don't tell anyone, but, I have a 
          little secret weapon of my own.

Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and 
smiles innocently.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY

Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood.

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET

Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad.

                    AMBER
          I don't eat shellfish.  Mom always 
          says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can 
          carry its house around with it - who 
          knows the last time it's been 
          cleaned."  She should know.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis.

                    MISS MINNEAPOLIS
          ... I've done about thirty-five 
          pageants.  I guess my most memorable 
          one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 
          1995.  It was in Vegas.  My roommate 
          did Adam West.

SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

                    MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd)
          She said he was sooo horny.

Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief.

                                                JUMP CUT TO:

INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their 
talents.  All are equally amazing.  
"THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts.  Miss 
Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver 
streamers, silver tap shoes.  She starts a TAP ROUTINE 
that RIVALS AMBER'S.

                    AMBER
              (whispering to camera)
          Oh my God.  Look at her, she's 
          awesome.  I should just go home now.

Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage.

                    TERRY
          Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it.  

SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES.

                    MISS MINNEAPOLIS
          Oh - oh my God...
              (doubling over in pain)
          I gotta go!

She runs off toward the RESTROOM.

                    COLLEEN
              (calling after her)
          Well, you're gonna have to do 
          somethin' with those nerves before 
          Nationals.  Thirty-million people 
          aren't gonna wait while you run to the 
          john.

Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad-
libbing "oh no! oh my God!"  "I'm gonna puke!" etc.  More 
contestants grab their bellies.

NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE

                    FEMALE REPORTER
              (hand on earpiece)
          Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.  
          A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now 
          traced to improperly refrigerated 
          shellfish, was believed to be the 
          cause.  Joining us now is David 
          Richardson, a member of the 
          documentary crew filming the pageant.  
          He was there when tragedy struck.

TELEVISION SET

                    CREW GUY
          Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks 
          everywhere.  I've never seen anything 
          like it before, and I live in L.A.
              (laughs)
          Hey, Ed.

                    FEMALE REPORTER #2
          Can you tell us any thing about the 
          controversy?  Is there a controversy 
          here?  Has there been sabotage?

Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and 
Terry.  All three look dazed.  Reporters SHOUT questions.

                    COLLEEN
              (with forced sobriety)
          People, people - wait, wait a minute, 
          here.  Uh, while we haven't ruled out 
          sabotage from neighboring state 
          pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North 
          Dakota...

                    TERRY
          Yeah.

                    COLLEEN
          Dakota.

                    TERRY
          Ohio...

                    COLLEEN
          That bitch from...

                    TERRY
          What?

                    COLLEEN
          Wisconsin.

                    TERRY
          All right, then.

                    COLLEEN
          The bitch.

                    TERRY
          The important thing is that we have a 
          winner...

PULL BACK to reveal we're:

INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT

The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV.

                    COLLEEN (ON T.V.)
          And, on behalf of the Minnesota 
          Modeling Academy, we proudly present 
          Amber Atkins.  Your new Minnesota 
          American Teen Princess.

The place ERUPTS in CHEER!  ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on 
Amber's head.  FLASHES.

                    MAYOR
          Yah, ain't it just a kick in the 
          fuckin' ass!?!?  I'll be a snake's 
          prick if tragedy and pageants ain't 
          got a way of bringin' folks 
          together...
              (directly at camera)
          Yous boys tell me when want me to 
          start, okay?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY

                    IONA
          Amber?!  What-the-hell's goin' on 
          around here?  I'm Mount Rose American 
          Teen Princess. Where the hell's my 
          tiara?  I bet those sneaky little Japs 
          took it...

INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on 
the counter.

                    FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.)
          Amber, how do you feel?

                    AMBER
          I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need 
          a shower.

Townsfolk laugh and cheer.

                    CATHY
          Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys 
          Leeman hangs herself in her cell when 
          she hears this.

INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM

ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE.  We see Gladys walking around, 
holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt.

                    GLADYS
          Uh-huh.  No, no.  Gosh, no.  You know 
          I still don't want to be on camera...

SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA 
WOMEN'S FACILITY

                    GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE)
          Yah - I just wanna say - that little 
          bitch better watch her back at 
          Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on 
          the inside... Yah-friends who have 
          friends on the outside...

                    FEMALE PRISONER
          Get your sweet ass off the bunk, 
          Cinnamon.

                    GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE)
          Gotta go.

Click.  DIAL TONE.

EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY

Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with 
metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the 
picnic table with Amber and Loretta.  Throughout the 
following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which 
keeps flying out of her pincers.  (Handmade 
"congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.)

                    AMBER
          I just, I just can't believe it.  I'm 
          Minnesota's American Teen Princess!

                    LORETTA
          Our baby's going to Nationals!  
          Lincoln, Alabama - look out!

                    AMBER
          I'm gonna be on TV!  Just like Diane 
          Sawyer.

Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand.

                    LORETTA
          Annette, just use your hand.  

                    ANNETTE
          They told me to practice.

                    AMBER
          Okay, ready?  Here's the signal I'm 
          gonna give Ma when I'm on TV.

Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces 
her.

                    ANNETTE
          My little Carol Burnett.

EXT. AIR FIELD

In the middle of a corn field.  The "runaway" is a gravel 
path cut between rows of corn.  A FOUR-SEATER plane is on 
the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand-
made "good luck" signs.  Amber (in Minnesota sash and 
tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane.  (NOTE: The 
plane never moves.)

EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER

                    MAYOR
              (into bullhorn)
          Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen 
          Princess - soon to be the next 
          America's American Teen Princess - our 
          little Amber!

ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY

A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets 
Amber.

SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, 
LINCOLN, ALABAMA.

The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the 
directory.  It reads: FOR LEASE.  A sign at the front of 
the building reads: SEIZED.

SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS 
SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION...

As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants -

SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS 
PAGEANT WAS CANCELED...

We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA.  She SCREAMS

SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY

EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY

As the contestants run out the building...

SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT 
OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL...

Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through 
the glass of the building.

SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT 
OF THE TITLE...

The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo.

                                              DIP TO BLACK:

EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY

A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands 
out front in a white lab coat.  She smiles and waves to 
camera.

SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF 
BEAUTY"...

EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT

A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go-
go boots and a smile, dances in a cage.

SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE 
PHILIPPINES.  IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN.

                                              DIP TO BLACK:

INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK

It's a lovely shot of the front window

SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE 
FROM A DEER TICK BITE

Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the 
window, spanking himself and waving "hi."

SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE

                                              DIP TO BLACK:

EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran 
Children's Orphanage" painted on the side.  She looks 
sad.

SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S 
ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER 
OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK.

INT. ROOM - DAY

CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys.

SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY 
PAGEANT... 

The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, 
CELL BLOCK

SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND.

INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

"EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT 
ROSE"

EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK

Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi-
automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a 
S.W.A.T. team.

                    GLADYS
          Come on out, you little blonde piece 
          of trailer park trash!

LOCAL NEWSCAST

Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman 
stand-off outside the food shack.  We see Amber, Annette 
(with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching 
the action.  "LIVE" flashes on screen.

SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF

                    FEMALE REPORTER
          We are here in the sixth hour of a 
          shoot-out between Gladys Leeman -

                    MAN AT FOOD SHACK
          Get down!

The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over.

SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY 
POLICE BULLET.

Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, 
takes the mic and continues the newscast.  She's a 
natural.

                    AMBER
          This is Amber Atkins reporting live 
          from the Food Shack for...KRLH News.  
          One of our reporters has just been 
          shot.

SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS 
GIVEN HER JOB.

                                                DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION

Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits 
with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR.  A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB 
TWIN CITIES.  

                    BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR
          I'm Peter Aitchison.

                    AMBER
          And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News.

SUPER: ...was given her job.

                    AMBER (cont'd)
          Good night.

As they smile and laugh, we:

                                                   FADE OUT.
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