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Little Nicky (2000)

by Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler & Steven Brill.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT

A beautiful late summer night.  Crickets chirping, sprinklers
sprinkling.

We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree,
where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb.  He
has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman.  Suddenly
the lights turn on.

			PEEPER
		(whispering)
	Showtime!

We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's
window.  She is wearing business attire.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
		(takes bite of sandwich)
	Well you'll feel better once you slip
	off those work clothes and get into some
	sweats.

The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing
her feet.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Oh my G-D, yes!  I wish you would let me
	rub those feet.  Of course I wouldn't
	use my hands.  Heh heh heh heh...

He sips some wine.

The mother starts to unbutton her blouse.  She takes it off,
revealing a nice bra.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Looks like Victoria just told me her
	secret.

The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook.  Mouthing
the words as he goes.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m.,
	first brassiere sighting...
		(stops writing)
	I will pleasure myself to this image for
	months.  MONTHS I TELL YOU!

The mother starts to unbutton her pants.  Her young son walks
in wearing a scouts uniform.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Young Scottie Dunleavy.  What
	unfortunate timing.  You mother was just
	getting comfy.

The son talks to his mother excitedly.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great
	knots today or whatever.  Now get out.

The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Now what.  This simply won't do.

The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials.  The son
answers.

			SCOTTIE
	Hello?

			PEEPER
	Hello, Scottie.  Why don't you go
	downstairs like a good boy and let your
	mother freshen up.

			SCOTTIE
	Who is this?

			PEEPER
	Just a little birdie.  A birdie who
	wants to see if your mother's panties
	match her bra.

			MOTHER
	Oh my G-D Scottie.  Is there a man up
	our tree?

The peeper gets nervous.

			PEEPER
	Tell her no.  Tell her it's just a big
	bird.

The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises.
We SEE Scottie with his sling shot.  The mother nods yes.  He
shoots it.  It hits the peeper square in the head.  He falls
to the ground with a thud.

			PEEPER (CONT'D)
	Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me.  And
	wear your bikini.

The peeper looks up.  He sees Scottie pushing a television
out the window.  It lands on top of the peeper.  He's dead.

				   HARD CUT:

INT. HOLE - DAY

The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on
all sides.

The peeper is falling down, down, down.  The whole way
screaming like a five-year old girl.

PEEPER'S POV

We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the
peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire.  He
SCREAMS.

EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL

We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES.  We hear screaming.  Wham!
We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in
a heap in a shallow pit of coals.

Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the
fire wall at different levels.  (NOTE: All the arrivals
clothes are now burned & shredded).

			GATEKEEPER (O.S.)
	Welcome!

The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his
station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.

			PEEPER
	Am I in hell?

			GATEKEEPER
	What do you think?

A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area.  We
leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...

MATTE PAINTING HELL

MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN

The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell.  A road leads toward it
like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals.  We see
the black castle in the distance.  The camera zooms into the
castle, to one particular window.

INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY

Looks like an American teenager's room - models, a dresser,
heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no
bed - Devils don't sleep).  Nicky is air guitaring to the
song.  Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled
"NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."

The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring
NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.

			NICKY
		(embarrassed)
	Hey...

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Your father wants to see you and your
	brothers in the throne room.

			NICKY
	Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is
	rockin', don't forget the knockin'!

INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts.  They're aiming for
people's faces that are coming through the wall.

			CASSIUS
	I knew it.  He's finally retiring.

			ADRIAN
	I've been waiting on this day for ten
	thousand years.

He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.

			HUMAN DARTBOARD
	Aaaah!

			CASSIUS
	If the old man picks me to take over
	Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty
	four seven.  No breaks.

			ADRIAN
	Well Dad says it's the breaks that make
	the torture.  You have to let people
	feel a sense of relief.

Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS
in the eye.

			HUMAN DARTBOARD
	Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

			ADRIAN
	Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring
	is what he says doesn't matter anymore.

Cassius pulls out the dart.  The eye comes with it.

			CASSIUS
	I'll take that.

Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it.  THWACK!
It splatters like a grape.

			HUMAN DARTBOARD
	Was that really necessary?

Nicky enters sheepishly.

			CASSIUS
	Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing
	today?

			NICKY
	Good, thanks.

Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.

			CASSIUS
	Hey. Hey. Hey.  Wanna mind wrestle?

Cassius' eyes start glowing red.

			NICKY
	Actually, I'll take a rain check on0

Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible
force.

			CASSIUS
	Got ya!

			NICKY
		(picking up his head)
	Yes, you got me...

Nicky's head slams back down again.

			CASSIUS
	Got ya, again!

			NICKY
		(picking head up)
	Got me for sure, yes...

He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the
head.

			CASSIUS
	Got ya!  Now here's the big finish...

Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his
own crotch.

			NICKY
	Oh no.  Please Cassius...

Nicky's hand is being possessed.  It gets closer and closer
until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Aaaaah.

Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own
hand.  Nicky screams even louder.  Adrian smiles.  They don't
notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small
devil horns), enters behind them.

			DAD
	What are you boys doing?

Cassius releases Nicky's hand.

			NICKY
	Nothing, Dad.  Just re-arranging the
	furniture.

			DAD
	Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out
	of your brother's mind?

			CASSIUS
	I forgot.

			DAD
	Maybe this will help you remember.

Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the
nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the
floor.

Dad gives Nicky a wink.  Nicky smiles.  Dad has an air of
confidence and power.

			DAD (CONT'D)
	Now everybody sit down.

			NICKY
	Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying
	down my monsters of metal compilation
	tape.  I really think it's a
	masterpiece.

			DAD
	Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.

He leads the boys to the throne area.  We see outside the
window the peeper staring in sexily.  Dad looks, shakes his
head.  Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him.  Dad
closes the curtains.

Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of
his throne.  Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip
of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at
his three sons.

			DAD (CONT'D)
	My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was
	thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules
	here in hell for ten thousand years.
	And after this ten thousand years had
	passed, he decided to abdicate his
	throne...

Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.

			DAD (CONT'D)
	...to step aside.
		(Nicky lowers his hand)
	...and let me become the ruler of hell.
	This, as some of you might know, is my
	ten thousandth year as Prince of
	Darkness.  So I think the time has come
	to discuss who will succeed me.

Jimmy the Demon walks in.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Knock, knock.

			DAD
	Yes, Jimmy.

He whispers in Dad's ear.

			DAD (CONT'D)
	No, no, that's not what I said.  He can
	keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta
	go.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
		(turning to leave)
	Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a
	pineapple up Hitler's ass at four
	o'clock.

Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out.  Dad turns his attention
back to his sons.

			DAD
	This was a very difficult decision,
	because I have three wonderful sons.  I
	mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.
	And Cassius, so strong, so tough.  And
	Nicky, so...so...

			NICKY
	Don't worry about coming up with
	anything.  It's cool.

			DAD
	Such a sweet boy.  But after much
	thought and careful consideration, I've
	decided that the ruler for the next ten
	thousand years is going to have to
	be...me.

			CASSIUS AND ADRIAN
		(dumbfounded)
	What!?

			NICKY
	Hallelujah.

They all look at Nicky.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	I mean...tough break.

			DAD
	The important thing for the stability of
	our rule is to maintain the balance
	between good and evil.  And I don't
	think any of you are ready for that
	responsibility yet.  You need the wisdom
	that comes only with the passage of
	time.

			CASSIUS
	Dad!  This is Hoyashit.

Dad glares.  Cassius goes FLYING BACK.  One of the Human
Dartboards laughs.  Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the
tongue.  Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

			DAD
	Right.  Right.  Send him in.
		(to the boys)
	I'm sorry, boys.  I've got to get back
	to work.

Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out.  Adrian stops.

			ADRIAN
	You sure about this decision, Dad?

			DAD
	I'm telling you, pal, it's the right
	thing to do.

HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by
Jimmy.  They head towards the closet.

Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples.  Hitler picks out
a relatively small one.  Dad shakes his head "no."  Dad walks
over to the closet.  Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.
Dad nods "yes."  Hitler sadly hands it to Dad.  Jimmy bends
Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

			HITLER
	Holy schnit!!

EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing
with souls.  Both are pissed.  There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot
looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

			CASSIUS
	You work your ass off for ten thousand
	years, hurting people, helping others
	hurt people, then you get a decision
	like that.

			ADRIAN
	And he's dead serious.

			CASSIUS
	It's just such a slap in the face.

Adrian turns to the Monster.

			ADRIAN
	Um, excuse me, we're having a private
	conversation here.

			CASSIUS
	Yeah, get out of here!  Beat it!

Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.
The Monster shrugs and walks off.

			ADRIAN
	Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa
	Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in
	hell than serve in heaven."  Well, I'm
	getting tired of serving in Hell.  We
	need a place where we can rule.

Cassius throws a rock at the Monster.  He yelps, then turns
around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.
Cassius sees this and gets enraged.

			CASSIUS
	Oh you wanna be a big man?  Bring it
	on!! Let's see what you got!

The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in
an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.

			CASSIUS (CONT'D)
	That's what I thought!

			ADRIAN
		(to Cassius)
	Could you concentrate for five seconds?

			CASSIUS
	I am concentrating.  Where can we rule?

			ADRIAN
	What do you think about...Earth?

Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	We could create our own hell there.

			CASSIUS
	You saying we go up there and kill
	everyone?

			ADRIAN
	Eventually, Cassius.  But first we
	corrupt as many as we can so that when
	we do destroy them...

			CASSIUS
	...their damned souls will be ours.

			ADRIAN
	It's our time, brother.

The two look at each other.  They start running toward the
fire wall.  Knocking souls out of their way.

			GATEKEEPER
	Hey, what are you doing?!?

They get closer to the fire.

			GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
	You can't go through there.  The fire
	flows in, not out.

They dive through the fire wall.  It FREEZES.

			GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
	You know something?  You guys suck!  You
	really suck!

Sirens go off.  Dogs start barking.  Lights flash.  And we
hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the
firewall hard.

INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix
tapes.  We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."
Pause.  Dad exhales.

			DAD
	Now that was an experience.  "You are
	only coming through in waves."  That
	line blows my mind every time.

			NICKY
	Definitely.

			DAD
	I don't care what kind of mood you're in
	at the start of that song.  When it's
	over, that mood has been altered.  Wow.
	Great shit.  What's next?

			NICKY
	Well, I thought that after messing with
	your head, I'd give you a little kick in
	the keester.

Hits the tape player.  "Enter Sandman" blasts.

			DAD
	Who is this, Metal-lick-a?

			NICKY
	Metallica, Dad.  Come on.

			DAD
	I was just playing with you.

Dad and Nicky dance to the song.

INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

CLOSE ON DAD.

			DAD
	I'm sorry.  After careful consideration,
	I regretfully have to decline.

ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.

			DAN
	C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one
	Superbowl ring.

			DAD
	In exchange for eternal damnation of
	your soul?  You're too nice of a guy for
	me to want to do that to you, Mr.
	Marino.

			DAN
	You did it for Namath.

			DAD
	Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
	Just go back to Earth and enjoy your
	records and the Hall of Fame and the
	beautiful family and all that.

			DAN
	This is bullshit, man.
		(gets up to leave)
	I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,
	with or without you!

			DAD
	Now you're talking.

Dan exits.

			NICKY
	You're a good devil, Dad.

			DAD
	And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint
sirens.  The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his
knees.

			GATEKEEPER
	Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have
	escaped from hell.  They went through
	the fire, and they broke it.  I think
	they took the New York tunnel.  I tried
	to stop them, but they overpowered me,
	sir.

			DAD
	Oh, boy.  Oh boy.  Calm down.  Get off
	your knees.

The Gatekeeper stands up.

			GATEKEEPER
	Thanks for being so understanding, your
	worship.  You're the man.  You've always
	been the man.

Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up.  Two huge
boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head.  We
only see them from the front for a second.
From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the
nipples as he talks to Nicky.

			GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
		(to Nicky)
	I'm lucky to get away with just the head
	boobs, right?

			NICKY
	Coulda been much worse.

			GATEKEEPER
	That's what I'm thinkin'...

Dad is staring off.  He looks shaken.

			DAD
	This is bad, Nicky.

			NICKY
	How bad?

			DAD
	I'm gonna die, Nicky.  If the gates are
	broken, no new souls can get in, which
	means I'll start to deteriorate into
	nothing.

GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

			LUCIFER
	What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

			DAD
	Everything's fine, pop.

			LUCIFER
	Last time you said that the renaissance
	happened.

			DAD
	Please, pop, just go back to your room.

			LUCIFER
		(regarding gateskeeper)
	Can I take him with me and have sex with
	his head?

			DAD
	Sure, pop.  Whatever you want.

The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.

			GATEKEEPER
	Oh, this is gonna be a whole new
	lifestyle for me, isn't it.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED
SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

			DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)
	What's going on?  Where are we?

We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud
thuds.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Nothing's getting through that.  The
	fire is solid as a rock.

			NICKY
	We gotta get this bad boy burning again.
	Ideas?

			DAD
	To do that Cassius and Adrian have to
	come back through the other way.

			NICKY
	So go get 'em, Dad!

			DAD
	I'm too weak.  The process has already
	begun.

Dad holds up his hand.  His pink is hanging by a thread.  We
see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

			NICKY
	So go get 'em, Jimmy!

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	I'm just a demon, Nicky.  I don't got
	devil blood in me.  I'd last two minutes
	up there with your brothers.

			NICKY
	You're not saying it's up to me?

The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as
if to say, "oh no."

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	I've never been to Earth.  I've never
	even slept over at some other dude's
	house!

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	You're the spawn of Satan.  You got it
	in you.

			DAD
	Nicky, the worst thing that could happen
	on Earth is you get killed, in which
	case, boom, you end up back here.

			NICKY
	Are you telling me I have to go to Earth
	and kill my brothers?

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Not go.  They left together at the exact
	same time.  They gotta come back
	together at the exact same time.

Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.

			DAD
	Here.  Get them drunk from this.  One
	sip and they'll be trapped inside.  Once
	you've got both of them, you bring the
	flask back through the gate.

Dad's pinky is hanging.  Jimmy pulls it off and examines it.
The Monster gags.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Your ol' man's got less than a week.

Nicky looks petrified.

			NICKY
	No.  This can't be happening.

			DAD
	Son, just do your best.

Nicky looks teary eyed.  The moment is broken by the Monster,
who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.

Nicky goes through the solid fire wall.  PAUSE.  The Monster
taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get
a move on."

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

A SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL

PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between
two tracks, to a putrid puddle.  Nicky breaks through the
surface, sputtering.  We hear a rumbling in the near
distance.

			NICKY
	Okay. Earth.  The Blue Marble.  This
	doesn't look too bad.

Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and
WHAMMM!

		EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in
the coal pit.  His Dad limps back to him.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	You were gone ten seconds.  What
	happened?

			NICKY
	I got hit by a big light that was
	attached to a lot of metal.

			DAD
	That's a train, son.  Don't stand in
	front of them.

			NICKY
	Well, I guess I'm going to have to take
	a mulligan on this one.

			DAD
	Please, Nicky, get back up there.
		(his ear falls off)
	Try to hurry.

Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

Nicky makes it back through the hole.  Looks both ways and
hops out of the hole.  He carefully crosses the tracks and is
stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side.
In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to
identify their passengers at the airport.  On the sign is
scrawled "NICKY."

Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.

			NICKY
	I'm Nicky.

Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.

			BEEFY
		(voice of Sandy Wernick)
	Hey, terrific!!  Now get off the track
	and come with me, shitstains.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY

The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal
are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking
around suspiciously, talking to the dog.

			BEEFY
	My name's Beefy.  I'm an old friend of
	your father's.  He's asked me to help
	you out.

			NICKY
	I just need to find my brothers and be
	on my way, Beefy.

			BEEFY
	It's not gonna be easy.  Your brothers
	can possess people.  So they probably
	won't look like themselves.  You have to
	be suspicious of everyone.

Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.

			NICKY
	Okay, "bro," this jig is up...
		(pulling out the flask)
	Just get in the bottle.  Just slide
	right on in there.

			BEEFY
	It's not me, moron.

			NICKY
	Oh.  Sorry.

EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance.  People put
money in his pot.

			PREACHER
	Oh how the Lord loves you.  All his
	children.
		(passerby puts in money)
	He thanks you for your kindness.
		(another woman puts in money)
	God bless, Ma'am.  The Lord loves you...
	The Lord loves you...

We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind.  The PREACHER
sniffs.

			PREACHER (CONT'D)
	The Lord does not love you.  I
	sense...pure evil.
		(thrusts his cross in Nicky's
	   face)
	You make the Lord very nervous.
		(feeling hot)
	I'm burning...ahhh.
		(running away)
	The Devil walks among us!

He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.

			PREACHER (CONT'D)
	Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!

He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance.  He
disappears.  Beefy turns to Nicky.

			BEEFY
	Makin' friends already.

			NICKY
		(shivering a little)
	It's freezing up here, Beefy.

			BEEFY
	You're on Earth now, kid.  Gonna have
	the same physical needs and limitations
	a human has.  We'll stop by K-mart.  Get
	you some warm clothes.

			NICKY
	I also have this odd pain in my mid
	section.  Kind of a hollow feeling...

			BEEFY
	That pain is hunger.

EXT. BENCH - DAY

K-mart bag is next to a bench.  PAN UP to see Nicky wearing
an extra warm SKI OUTFIT.  Sitting next to him on the bench
is Beefy.  Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED
CHICKEN.  Nicky takes out a drumstick.

			NICKY
	So far, so good.  Now what?

			BEEFY
	Put it in your mouth.

Nicky puts it in his mouth.  Holds it there.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	Move your teeth up and down.

Nicky does.  He chews for a long time.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	Now you gotta swallow it.  Tilt your
	head back and let the meat slide down
	your throat-hole.

Nicky does.  He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.

			NICKY
	Hey...Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

			BEEFY
	It sure is.  Now eat it up.  You're
	gonna need your energy.

			NICKY
	I got energy up the ying-ying.  Let's
	get cracking!

NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right
into the path of a moving bus.

INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs.  The
gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra.  He seems to be
enjoying it.  We hear a THUD.  They look down to see Nicky on
the ground.  (We didn't see him flying through this time.)

The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop.  Kind of
embarrassed.

			GATEKEEPER
	Hey.

			NICKY
	That's a pretty brassiere.

			GATEKEEPER
	Thanks.

			NICKY
	Could you maybe not tell anyone about
	this?

			GATEKEEPER
	You got it.  Could you maybe not tell
	anyone about this?

			NICKY
	You got it.

Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall.  As soon as his
back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I
love your boobs."  The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh
(we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).

EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY

Beefy is walking with him down the street.  Nicky is crazy
cautious.

			NICKY
	From now on.  I'm just going to avoid
	all moving metal objects.

			BEEFY
	Great.  Now your father gave me some
	deposit money for a nice pad on the
	Upper East Side.  But I misplaced it.

			  FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club.  Champagne
is on the table.  Bills in his mouth.  We see THREE DANCERS
dancing for him.

			  FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VILLAGE STREET

Nicky and Beefy.

			BEEFY
	So I found this other joint for you.
	But you're gonna have a roommate.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the
phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.

			TODD
		(on phone)
	I know exactly how you feel... The night
	Reagan was elected, I said to my mother,
	"Is this man going to blow up the world,
	Mommy?"  Then we both cried for like an
	hour.
		(knock at the door)
	Somebody's here.  Call you later.

Todd gets up and opens the door.  It's Nicky, with Beefy by
his side.  Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.

			NICKY
	Hello, friend, my name is Nicky.  I
	understand you're seeking a roommate, as
	per your advertisement in the Village
	Voice.  Would it be possible for me to
	fill the slot?

			TODD
	Uh, don't you want to know what the rent
	is?

Nicky looks down at Beefy.  Beefy looks up at Nicky.  Both
nod imperceptibly.

			NICKY
	Yes.  What is rent?

			TODD
	Eight-hundred, split down the middle.
	Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with
	my scene partner so the living room will
	be off limits.

			NICKY
	Off limits.

			TODD
	Right.  And as far as household items:
	we can share the soap, but we'll split
	the cost 60/40.
	Cause the person who physically goes out
	and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay
	as much as the other guy.
		(looks at Nicky)
	Aren't you boiling in that outfit?

			NICKY
	No.

			TODD
	It's like eighty degrees in this
	hallway.  You from the South?

			NICKY
	Yeah.  The deep South.

Nicky laughs a little too hard.

			TODD
	Why is that funny?

			NICKY
	I don't know.

			TODD
	And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.

Todd turns and goes into the apartment.

			BEEFY
	You'll be alright.  Go on.  Big day
	tomorrow.  Don't forget to do that sleep
	thing I told you about.

			NICKY
	Got ya.
		(to Todd)
	Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?

			TODD
	Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.

The door closes.  Beefy looks down at the welcome mat.  It
reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING.  Beefy raises his leg over
it.

INT. NICKY'S ROOM

Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully
clothed.  When he inhales through his nose, we hear that
familiar snoring/snorting sound.  But when he exhales, we
hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.

SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands,
looking concerned.

EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING

We HEAR the bells toll.  We see the beautiful exterior of a
large church.

INT. CATHEDRAL

CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL.  He ascends the
steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.
We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service.  He
gins his homily.

			CARDINAL
	In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who
	we are to live if we wish to attain the
	splendor of Heaven... or something like
	that.  Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in
	the Bible.  Moses this.  Moses that.
	Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.

The crowd stares dumbfounded.  We see that the Cardinal is
standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box
with the top open.

			CARDINAL (CONT'D)
	Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of
	hibbity-jibbity.  But has he ever really
	done anything for us?  Has he ever put a
	Jaguar XJR in my driveway?  Has he ever
	given any of my enemies the herpes?  No.
	He hasn't done a damn thing for any of
	us.

A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.

			MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
	The Lord gave my son the strength to get
	off drugs.

			CARDINAL
	Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me,
	he was better off on drugs.  He's a
	bore.  At least when he was smoking
	hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.

A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.

			YOUNG MAN
	After we tried for many years, the Lord
	finally helped my wife conceive a baby.

			CARDINAL
	No, your best friend Fitzie helped your
	wife conceive a baby.  He helped her
	conceive it all night long.

Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts
to "raise the roof."  Then thinks better of it.  The Cardinal
points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.

			CARDINAL (CONT'D)
	How about you, Mr. Mayor?  The Lord ever
	do anything for you?

The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.

			MAYOR
		(standing)
	Well, I wish I could think of something,
	Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I
	can't.  Kind of makes you wonder if
	there even is a Lord.  If there is any
	ultimate punishment for our so-called
	"sins."  Maybe we should all just have
	fun and do whatever the hell we want.

A hubbub is raised by the crowd.  Fitzie raises the roof
again, this time energetically.

			CARDINAL
	Amen to that.  Let the sin begin!

The hubbub grows to a roar.  Several PEOPLE start fighting
over the money in the collection plate.

The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor.  We hear the
Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	Oh, this is delicious.

ON MAYOR

He's smirking.  WE HEAR his telepathic response.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
		(laughing)
	"Let the sin begins" - that was a good
	one.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	Well, we must get people sinning if we
	want to fill up our New Hell.  How are
	things going down at City Hall?

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	I lowered the drinking age to ten.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	Brilliant.  This is so much fun.  I
	never want it to end.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	Why should it end?  Who's gonna stop us?

The Mayor/Cassius laughs.  As he does, his eyes slowly cross.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk.  PAN OVER TO:

Nicky, his pants around his ankles.  He's trying to do the
same.

			NICKY
	This is intense!  And it happens every
	day?  Sometimes twice?  I gotta tip my
	hat to you people!

			BEEFY
	Look, it's okay for me to shit the
	street.  But you gotta use a toilet.

			NICKY
		(pulling up pants)
	Okay, just point me in the right
	direction next time.

			BEEFY
	Come on, there's like ten million people
	in this city and the clock is ticking.

			NICKY
	Well, let's rock and roll.

Nicky looks at the next person walking by.  It's a CHINESE
DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle.  Nicky clotheslines him, taking
him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Get in the bottle.  Dad's falling apart.
	You froze the gate and you're killing
	him.  Drink!

Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.

			CHINESE DELIVERY GUY
	I'm not thirsty!  I'm not thirsty!

			NICKY
	just get in the flask!

The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick
to the head and runs away.  Nicky gets up.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Adrian and Cassius!  You think a kick to
	the head is gonna make me throw in the
	towel?  Well, in the immortal words of
	Judas Priest, "You got another thing
	comin'."

Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the
bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Nicky approaches various people as they pass.  (To be shot
long lense, real people, real reactions.)

INT. POPEYE'S - DAY

Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the
Cashier to drink.  The Cashier yanks his head away and gives
Nicky a dirty look.  Nicky shrugs and points to the menu,
ordering some chicken.

EXT. STREET - DAY

nicky walks up to a homeless man.  He thrusts the bottle in
his face.  To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes
it and drinks.  Nothing happens.  Nicky is baffled.  He tries
to take the flask back, but the man won't let go.  Finally he
grabs it away from him.  The man starts throwing garbage at
Nicky as he walks away.

INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY

Beefy is looking around for Nicky.  He spots him - inside the
polar bear cage.  Nicky approaches the bear holding the
flask.

INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again.
The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.

			GATEKEEPER
	Bus?

			NICKY
	Beast.

The Monster laughs.

			GATEKEEPER
		(to Monster)
	You like that?  You think that's funny?

The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.

			GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
	How about that?  You like that?

The Monster howls with delight.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a
Popeye's drumstick.

			NICKY
	All that running and chasing is making
	the sleep thing want to come early.

			BEEFY
	I think we have to work on narrowing
	down our list of suspects.  Now I'm
	going to go check in with some of my
	contacts uptown.

Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores.  He's asleep.
Beefy sighs.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just
	begging to come out...

Beefy walks away.

EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY

Nicky snores.  Masses of birds fly out of the trees.  Nicky
snores.  Squirrels run out of trees.  Nicky snores.

ON WORRIED PEOPLE

Staring at Nicky who continues to snore.  Two HEAVY-METAL
GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a
goofy dance.  They hear something and turn the music down:
it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.

			PETER
	Sounds like our devil dance actually
	worked this time.

			JOHN
	'Bout time...

Nicky snores.  It sounds like "I will eat your hearts."  The
worried people run away.  Nicky snores.  Children on the
Carousel, going real fast, upset.  Nicky snores.

Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.

			JOHN (CONT'D)
	There's our man.

			PETER
	Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties
	to the dark side.

A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky.  He eyes
the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.

			JOHN
	What's with that guy?

			PETER
	Gotta be one of his disciples or
	something.

Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten
drumstick) and runs off.

			JOHN
	Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got
	ripped off.

			PETER
	Should we wake him up?

			JOHN
	Yeah.  You do it.

Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud
SNORT.

			PETER
	Rise and shine, devil guy.  Some dude
	just stole your shit.

Nicky feels for the flask.  It's gone.

			NICKY
	Oh nooooo....

Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Which way did he go?

			JOHN
	That way.

Nicky is about to run off.  Looks at John's shirt.

			NICKY
	Iron Maiden live double disc is simply
	phenomenal.

He runs off.

			PETER
	Did you check out the dragon mouth?

			JOHN
	The Dark Prince is here.

EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY

Nicky is searching the street for his flask.  He walks past
several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the
sidewalk.  PAUSE.  Nicky comes walking back into frame as he
sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the
blanket of the VENDOR.

			NICKY
	Hey...

			STREET VENDOR
	See something you like, my man?

			NICKY
	Yes.  I would like my flask back.

The street vendor stands, very angry.

			STREET VENDOR
	You callin' me a thief, my man?

			NICKY
	No, I'm just calling you... a guy who
	has my flask.

			STREET VENDOR
	And if that is your so-called "flask,"
	how would I have it unless I was, in
	fact, a thief?

			NICKY
		(not sure what the answer is)
	I don't know?

A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask.

			MAN
	Yeah, how much for the silver flask
	there?

			STREET VENDOR
	Well, that's a very special item.  The
	cap itself is one hundred percent
	plappium.  It's a value is over three
	thousand dollars.

			MAN
	Really.  Where's it from?

			NICKY
	It was handcrafted in hell by Satan
	himself and is only to be used for the
	capture and containment of my blood
	brothers so that the firefall of Hades
	will burn brightly once again.

			MAN
	Really.  I think we'll let you keep it
	then.

He walks away.

			STREET VENDOR
	Okay, now you gone and done it.  You
	done messed with my business bitch!

			NICKY
	Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise
	your voice.  It's making my muscles
	tighten.

We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.

			STREET VENDOR
	Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me?
	I'll show you some crazy eyes.  Let's
	get busy.

The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts
swinging his fists around.

Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is
selling clothes off a spread out blanket.  She notices what's
going on.

Nicky's eyes widen in panic.  Just then, Valerie steps in.

			VALERIE
	Excuse me, does that flask belong to
	this man?

			STREET VENDOR
		(frustrated)
	Now you callin' me a thief?  Damn.

			VALERIE
	Look, I know you come out here and sell
	stolen stuff all the time.  But today,
	the guy you stole from just happened to
	walk by and bust you.  So why don't you
	admit today's not your day and give him
	his flask back?

			STREET VENDOR
	Or what're you gonna do about it?  Ugly
	me to death?

			VALERIE
	No, but maybe that cop over there might
	have something to say.

Valerie points to a cop across the street.  The Street Vendor
ponders this for a second, then...

			STREET VENDOR
	Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.
		(looking at Valerie)
	And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes
	and find a new corner.  Before I show
	you what real crazy is.

The vendor does crazy eyes again.

			VALERIE
	Fine.  I will.

Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.

			NICKY
	Hey, mister.  I'll be seeing you in a
	few years.

Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky
follows her.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	That was amazing.  Thanks so much.  You
	didn't have to do that.

			VALERIE
	That's okay.  I get messed with all the
	time and when I saw him doing that to
	you I just lost it.  I hate when people
	take advantage of tourists.  It ruins it
	for the rest of us.

			NICKY
	You think I'm a tourist?

			VALERIE
	I'm sorry.  I just assumed.  Your accent
	maybe.  Where are you from?

			NICKY
	The South.

			VALERIE
	Really?

			NICKY
	Yeah.  Deep south.
		(laughs hard)

She laughs along with him, not sure why.

			VALERIE
	Why are you laughing?

			NICKY
	I don't know, but I like it.  Say.  Your
	glasses are nice.  They make your eyes
	look sparkly and big.  It's fun to look
	at them.

			VALERIE
	My dad's an optometrist.

			NICKY
	My dad's in hell, and he's falling
	apart.

			VALERIE
	I'm sorry.  It's really tough when your
	parents get older.

			NICKY
	If I don't save him, I don't know what
	I'm gonna do.

			VALERIE
	Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like
	you will figure something out.

Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her.  He
hands her the half-eaten drumstick.

			NICKY
	Here, have a Popeye's.  This drumstick
	ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.

			VALERIE
	That's alright.  I already ate lunch.  I
	actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.

			NICKY
	Could I come with you to getting a
	Gelati?

			VALERIE
	If you want to.

			NICKY
	Want to?  A million angry octopus people
	couldn't hold me back!

			VALERIE
	"Octopus people?"

			NICKY
	Uh, it's a deep south expression.

Nicky laughs.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.

			NICKY
	It's freezing my hands.

			VALERIE
	It's not that cold.  Here, let me wrap
	it.

Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky.  Just
then the PREACHER walks by.  He quickly turns his head,
sensing Nicky.

			PREACHER
	Why do you taunt me with your darkness?!
	Your evil is stinking up our streets!
	We're all gonna die!

He takes off running right into a lamp post.

			VALERIE
	This town is really going to hell
	lately.
		(Nicky nods)
	So what part of the city do you live in?

			NICKY
	I have an apartment.  I don't remember
	exactly where.  My dog knows, though.

			VALERIE
		(laughs)
	You have a dog?  What kind?

			NICKY
	I'm not sure.  I'd ask him, but he's
	uptown talking to his contacts.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.

			BEEFY
	Remember, it's not the size of the boat,
	it's the motion of the ocean.

			GIRL DOG
	Just finish.

EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY

			VALERIE
	I'd love to have a dog.  But I go to
	school full time.  It wouldn't be fair
	to the dog.

			NICKY
	School?

			VALERIE
	Parsons School of Design.  I knew
	growing up I wasn't much to look at, so
	I put my energy into making things that
	are pretty.

			NICKY
	What's that pleasant smell coming from,
	your skin?

			VALERIE
	My perfume?

He takes her wrist to his nose.  He stares at it, licks it.

			VALERIE (CONT'D)
		(laughs)
	It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific."
	Which I think is the French word for
	coconuts.

Nicky stops and looks at her.

			NICKY
	Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch
	of butterflies flapping around in my
	stomach.  Is that normal?

			VALERIE
	Sometimes, sure.

			NICKY
	Good.  I was concerned.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall.  We hear loud
wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.

			GATEKEEPER
	Doesn't sound very good behind there.  I
	hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.

The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather
biker's hat.  He nods along in agreement.

PAN TO LUCIFER

Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of
fire/pond.

			LUCIFER
	You know, I was the one who created
	Hell.

			GATEKEEPER
	I know, your wickedness.

			LUCIFER
	I started slow, though.  For years, I
	was just giving people hot foots.
	Actually, you can give all the credit
	for Hell to my first wife; she was the
	inspiration.  She was an ugly one, too.
	One day, she asked me if I wanted super
	sex.  I said I'll take the soup.

The Monster laughs really hard.

			LUCIFER (CONT'D)
	Take it easy there, Chewbacca.  In fact,
	you look like her mother, except she had
	more hair.

The Monster laughs even harder.

			LUCIFER (CONT'D)
	You know what was in Hell when I came
	down here, Cassius?

			GATEKEEPER
	It's Stanley, sir.

			LUCIFER
	Nothing.  No mountains.  No castles.
	Looked like a giant parking lot.  It
	wasn't even called Hell.

			GATEKEEPER
	What was it called, sir.

			LUCIFER
	Boogerland!

			GATEKEEPER
	That's nice, Grandpa.  Why don't you
	just enjoy the fishing?

			LUCIFER
	I can't enjoy anything.  I go fishing.
	I catch nothing.  I go to orgies, I
	catch everything...

We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's
fishing line to:

EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY

We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook.  A
giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body.  Only his head
is sticking out.

			PEEPER
	I deserve this!

EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY

Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.

			KID
	I just stole twenty-five bucks off the
	bar.

			KID #2
	How many beers did you have?

			KID # 3
	Eight sips.

			KID
	I had five!  I'm so wasted.

They both high five, throw up and fall.  PAN over to ADRIAN
sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle
of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

			ADRIAN
	When an adult goes to Hell, that's
	terrific.  But when a child goes...
	that's why I'm in this business.

Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with
Valerie.  He's shocked.

Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her
collection.

			NICKY
	So you're saying, make all pants with a
	drawstring, then heavier set gals don't
	have to feel humiliated by telling their
	waist size in front of the whole store?

			VALERIE
	Basically, yeah.

			NICKY
	Wow.  Maybe you should make drawstring
	socks for gals with fat ankles.

Valerie laughs.

			VALERIE
	You know what's nice about you?  You
	just seem happy being yourself.  You
	don't try to act cool.

			NICKY
	Thanks much.  You know what's nice about
	you, Valerie?

			VALERIE
	What?

Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden.  NICKY looks like he's
been stunned by something.

			NICKY
	Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.

			VALERIE
	What was that?

			NICKY
		(shocked and confused)
	I...I don't know why I just said that.
	I meant to say that...

				 QUICK CUT TO:

Adrian's eyes flashing.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	...I've always wanted to have sex with a
	gross pig.  What do you say we go behind
	that dumpster, pull our pants down and
	see what happens?

Valerie's very hurt.

			VALERIE
	You're a jerk.

She turns and walks away.  Nicky looks over and sees Adrian.
His inner voice speaks to him.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	ADRIAN!

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	You shouldn't have come here.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Please, get out of my mind!

Adrian's eyes flash.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Hey, Valerie!

She stops and turns.  Nicky RAISES his fist to resist
Adrian's force.  It's too much.  His middle finger comes up,
giving her the "finger."

			VALERIE
	What the hell's your problem?

She runs away crying.  Nicky turns to Adrian who's still
across the street.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell.
	Dad's sick.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	He's sick?

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Yeah, he needs souls to live.  When you
	guys left, you broke the gates.  We
	gotta get the gates burning again before
	he dies.

Adrian processes this.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	He should have thought of that before he
	denied me my birthright.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Well maybe you should go back and talk
	it over with him.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	How about this?  I stay here enjoying my
	Schnapps and you go back.

Nicky's body jerks around.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Adrian, please...

Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and
crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large
truck bearing down on him.

JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them.  Peter looks
down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.

			PETER
	Check this out.  The number of the
	beast.

They laugh and hi-five.

ON THE TV - DAY

INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM

Dan Rather speaks to the camera.  Over his shoulder we see a
graphic of the Arch-Decon's face.  NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made
up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)

			DAN RATHER
	Reverberations from Arch-Decon
	Donnelly's shocking speech are still
	being felt throughout the city.  Today,
	some disgruntled cast members of the
	play CATS broke the fourth wall in a
	most hostile manner.

VIDEO FOOTAGE

A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around
shocked audience members.

BACK ON DAN RATHER

			DAN RATHER
	...But even that does not come close to
	what happened today on Live with Regis
	and Kathy Lee.

VIDEO FOOTAGE

The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.

			REGIS
	So I was driving to work today, and some
	bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...

			KATHY LEE
	Oh, that's terrible, Reege...

			REGIS
	So I followed him...

			KATHY LEE
	You followed him?

			REGIS
	I followed him all the way downtown, and
	when he gets out of the car, I reach
	under my seat and pull out an aluminum
	bat.

			KATHY LEE
	You keep a bat under your seat?

			REGIS
	Recently, yes!  So I run up behind this
	guy, and start bashing his brains in
	with this bat, and it made me feel
	happy!  Did you ever see THE
	UNTOUCHABLES?

			KATHY LEE
	Yes, great movie...

			REGIS
	I was DeNiro!

The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying.  The TV turns off.
We PULL BACK to see that we are in.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

Beefy turns to Nicky.

			BEEFY
	Your brothers are upsetting the balance
	of good and evil.

			NICKY
	What can I do about it?

			BEEFY
	You can't do jack shit... unless you
	learn your evil powers.

			NICKY
	Nobody's as evil as my brothers.  Those
	dudes put the wick in wicked.

			BEEFY
	Go get a soda out of the fridge.

			NICKY
	But those are my roommate's sodas...

			BEEFY
		(high-pitched mocking)
	"But those are my roommate's sodas..."
	Does that sound like a statement the son
	of the devil would make?

Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it
on the coffee table.  He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare
at the Coke.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	You have the power to change the cola in
	that can into any other liquid - engine
	oil, bat's blood, moose piss.  You just
	have to release the evil within you.

			NICKY
	Release the evil?

			BEEFY
	I'm just saying, there's wickedness in
	you... I can tell from your snores.

Nicky stares at the can.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	Release your evil...

Nicky frowns and bites his lip.  The can rattles a little.

			TODD
	What are you doing?

Todd is standing in the doorway.  Beefy runs to the fire
escape.

*******************

			TODD (CONT'D)
	I know it's your living room night.  But
	can I finish watching the Globetrotters'
	game out here?  To me it's classic
	Comedia Dellarte.

				     CUT TO:

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

The TV clicks on.  We see TODD sit down and look at the TV.
Nicky's behind him.

ON TV

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

			BILL WALTON
	What an odd game, folks.  The powerhouse
	85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal
	run circles around the 0-85 Nationals,
	seem to be struggling to find their
	groove in front of their hometown fans.

A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who
makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE
GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING.  The REF blows the whistle and
makes the travelling signal.

			REF
	He's walking, get him a bus!

			BILL WALTON
	Oh, another awful call.  There is no way
	that was travelling.

Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.

			CORNROWS
	What's with all these crazy calls?  You
	gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a
	game in 53 years.

			REF
	Technical foul!

Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.

ON TODD AND NICKY

			NICKY
	That guy in the striped shirt snaps his
	fingers like someone I know...

ON TV

The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously
slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.

ON TODD AND NICKY

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	It looks like the work of a brother...

			TODD
	A black guy?

			NICKY
	If it's Cassius, yes.

Nicky races for the door.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's
shirt yells out.

			GLOBETROTTER FAN
	Get your head out your ass, ref!  The
	kids came to see the Globetrotters win.

			REF
	Oh, so you wanna lip off to me?
	Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth
	in the Globetrotter's shirt.  Take ten
	points off for the Globetrotters.

The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.

ON STANDS

The KIDS are crying.

ON COURT

The halftime buzzer sounds.  The Globetrotters walk off the
court.  The crowd BOOS.

			BILL WALTON
	In all my years of basketball, I was
	never so happy to hear a halftime
	buzzer.  Folk, I'm afraid if the second
	half doesn't get any better, I expect a
	full scale riot.

A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.

			COURT ANNOUNCER
	It's time for the Globetrotter's
	halftime half-court heave throw, where
	one lucky fan will have a shot at ten
	thousand dollars!

A brick lands at the announcer's feet.

			COURT ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
	And if he makes it, everyone in
	attendance today will receive a free
	pizza.

INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous.  He
has a pass on.

			MIGUEL
	I ain't goin' out there and taking the
	shot.  These people have gone crazy.

			NICKY
	I'll take the shot.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS

As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.

			PETER
	Look who's back from the dead.

			JOHN
	Six, six, six, pick up sticks.

They high-five.  The only happy fans in their section.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV.  Beefy is
watching from the fire escape.

			TODD
	What's Nicky doing down there?

			BEEFY
	Trying to capture his brother in a flask
	and preserve the balance of good and
	evil on Earth.

Todd looks over, suspicious.

			TODD
	Did you just talk?

			BEEFY
	No.

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS

The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.

			COURT ANNOUNCER
	You better win these people some free
	pizza.  Looks like they're about to
	start killing each other.

STANDS

A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of
stairs.

COURTSIDE

The court announcer hands Nicky the ball.  He looks at it.

			NICKY
	Release the evil.

His eyes get red.  Staring at the ball, it explodes.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Okay, too much evil..

Bill Walton's hair is on fire.

			BILL WALTON
	I think that ball just blew up.  And
	yes, my hair is aflame.

			NICKY
		(turning to sideline)
	Could I get another ball?

The court announcer throws out another ball.  Nicky stares at
it again with red eyes.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	I command you not to blow up and go into
	that metal circle.

Nicky throws an underhand shot.  The ball arcs through the
air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere
and swats it away.

			REF
	Get that crap outta here!

The crowd BOOS!  Nicky and the ref stare at each other.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	I know you're having fun, Cassius, but
	you gotta come back to Hell.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	Look around you, Nicky.  We're in Hell.
	The New Hell.

STANDS

We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising
the roof.

COURTSIDE

As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone.

			NICKY
	Listen up, New York.  Your souls are in
	great danger...

Nicky gets hit by a hot dog.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Alright, how about this?  I get one more
	shot.  The ref will cover me.  I miss
	it, the Globetrotters forfeit the game.
	I make it, he doesn't ref the second
	half and we all start conducting
	ourselves like decent human beings
	again.

The crowd is silent.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	And we get free pizza.

The crowd roars.

INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking.

			BILL WALTON
	I think it's safe to say we're all
	rooting for this bizarre and hideous
	looking man.

Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him.  He
takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts her
wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair.

The crowd starts YELLING.

			CROWD
	Nicky!  Nicky!  Nicky!

STANDS

John and Peter are yelling the loudest.

COURTSIDE

The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.

			NICKY
	You know, Dad got very sick when you
	left.

			REF
	I heard.  I'm glad he's dying.  It's my
	turn now.

Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Beefy is watching, transfixed.

			BEEFY
	Take him to the hole, Nicky.
		(Todd stares)
	I mean, woof!  Woof!

Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.

INT. TUNNEL

We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back
from the locker room.  They stop to watch.

INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays
extremely tight defense.  Nicky fakes one way, then heads
toward the basket.  The ref stays tight.  Nicky's eyes are
redder than ever.  He fakes left, he fakes right.  He
dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then
takes his momentum up toward the basket.  He jumps from the
foul line and flies through the air.  He emits a crazy, blood
curdling, devil yell.

CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:

SHOT CLOCK

It reads: 666.

Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.

Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.

BACK ON NICKY

Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the
Exorcist).  He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous
dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces.  He hits
the ref on the way down.  The crowd CHEERS, finally happy
again.

			NICKY
	Never doubt my skills.

INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

			CORNROWS
	Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.

MID-COURT

Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor,
covered in glass.  He gets up slowly

			REF
	That's nuts.  When'd you learn that
	shit?

			NICKY
	Sorry, Cassius.  Maybe it was the super
	devil juice Dad gave me.  HE thought I
	might need it for just such an occasion.

			REGIS
	Super devil juice?  Give it over.  Let's
	go best two out of three.

			NICKY
		(pulls out the flask)
	No.  No way.  Dad said it was only for
	me.

The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.

Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the
ref's mouth and into the bottle.  WHOOSH!  The ref slumps to
the floor.

STANDS

Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.

COURTSIDE

Nicky peers into the flask.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	Damn you, Nicky!  There ain't no super
	devil juice in here!

Nicky caps the flask.  Nicky waves to the stunned, but
appreciative crowd.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A homemade cake is laid out.  It reads: CONGRATULATIONS,
NICKY.  JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.

			TODD
	So your father's the devil, you're a
	talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys
	are who?

			PEEPER
	Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and
	the work his Dad does.

			JOHN
	By the way, Nicky.  Check this out.

He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.

			JOHN (CONT'D)
	What's Ozzy trying to say there?

			NICKY
	Absolutely nothing.  The Blizzard always
	came straight with his messages.  But
	wrap your minds around this one.

Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi.  He pus
on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards.

			VOICE
	I command you in the name of the Lucifer
	to spread the blood of the innocent.

John and Peter look at each other, shocked.

			JOHN
	No wonder your uncle's so weird...

			TODD
	I gotta say this cake tastes a little
	funny.

			PETER
	Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the
	mix.  Tried to spice up the bash.

Nicky takes a big bite of cake.

			NICKY
	What's reefer?

				DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - LATER

PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere.  Everyone's laughing
hard.

			JOHN
	Come on.  One more time.

			NICKY
	Not again, fellas.  It kind of hurts.

			PETER
	Please.  You got to.

			NICKY
		(resigned)
	All right...

Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360
degrees.  Everyone cracks up, high fives.  Even Todd LAUGHS.
PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.

			BEEFY
	I used to get baked like this with my
	first girlfriend, Heather.  We'd get so
	stoned she would forget I was a dog.

			JOHN
	She was human?

			BEEFY
	Actually, she was a sewer rat.  Man,
	that pissed my parents off.

			JOHN
	I dated a Japanese girl once.  My
	parents disapproved.  Not cause she's
	Japanese, but cause she was only
	fifteen.

			NICKY
	I'm only fifteen...thousand years old.

Everyone cracks up.

			TODD
	I was in love one time but she said I
	wasn't financially reliable enough.  And
	she needed that.

			JOHN
	By she, do you mean he?

			TODD
	No.

			BEEFY
	Busted.
		(laughs)

			PETER
	How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul
	Jabar?

			NICKY
	A little strange.  I can't stop thinking
	about this girl, Valerie.

			TODD
	Why?  Did she hurt you?  Do you miss
	her?  Need a shoulder to cry on?

			JOHN
	Easy, Liberace.

			TODD
	Oh, would you grow up.

			NICKY
	We had the greatest afternoon of my life
	until Adrian made me tell her she had a
	heart-shaped ass.

			BEEFY
	Maybe you love her.  But what do I know?
	I'm baked out of my mind.

			PETER
	Me, too.  We're gonna get going.

			TODD
	You guys want to stay?  I have a futon
	in my bedroom.

			JOHN
	That's a big pass, Elton John.

			PETER
	We're going to see Ozzy play at the
	Meadowlands, right now.  Wanna come,
	Nicky?

			NICKY
	No thanks.  I'm afraid I wouldn't be
	able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves.

			JOHN
	Whoa, that chick must be the real deal,
	then.  Later on.

			NICKY
	See ya, fellas.

They leave.

			BEEFY (O.S.)
	You better snap out of it soon, kid.
	Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow.
	Seven AM.  Nighty, night.

He falls asleep and starts snoring.  We hear the SOUND of
THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he
exhales.

			TODD
	That is the most frightening thing I
	have ever seen.

Nicky stands and moves to the window.  He looks out longingly
over the sleeping city... achingly.  RACK FOCUS behind him,
we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.

			NICKY
	Todd.  Which way to the Parson's School
	of Design?

EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT

Nicky walks around the corner.

SIGN READS: "Parson's School -  Student Housing"

Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms.  He looks up.
Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.

			NICKY
		(he sniffs)
	Coconuts...

Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb.  His nose
leads him.  He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.

INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling
his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of
the Lambs."  The student is startled.

			STUDENT
	Hello.

			NICKY
	You smell like coconuts.

			STUDENT
	It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific."  Makes me
	feel like a hula girl.  Which is kinda
	what I'm going for.  Wanna come in?

			NICKY
	No thanks.  I'm looking for a girl named
	Valerie who also smells like coconuts.

			STUDENT
	Valerie Doran?  Two floors up, one
	window over.

			NICKY
	Thanks, much.  Good luck with the
	genital tucking.

			STUDENT
	I don't need luck.  I'm good.

Nicky floats away.  A few seconds later, he floats back,
holding up the flask.

			NICKY
	Adrian?

			STUDENT
	Andrew.

Nicky nods and floats off.

EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER

Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.

INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Cool music.  She is up late.  Working by candlelight on a
fantastic design.  Something's not working.  She drapes a
beautiful fabric over another.  She smiles at the
combination.  She is happy being creative.  Nicky feels his
heart swell as he watches her.

ON NICKY

He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her.  His
head bumps the window.  She turns, startled.  She sees the
beaming Nicky.

			NICKY
	Hey.

			VALERIE
	Nicky?  Oh my G-d.  Stay right there.

Pause.  Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace
right in Nicky's face.

			NICKY
	Oh that stings!  My eyes are on fire!

Nicky stands up and stumbles around.

			VALERIE
	What were you thinking coming here?

			NICKY
	I'm not sure, but it didn't involve
	getting blinded with poison.

He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes
flying over the back rail.

EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT

We see Nicky hurtling toward the street.  Holding his eyes.

			VALERIE
	Oh my G-d, I'm so sorry!

Suddenly he stops.  Suspended above ground.  Valerie doesn't
hear the expected thud.

			VALERIE (CONT'D)
	Nicky?

He floats up, but he can't see.

			NICKY
	Valerie?

			VALERIE
	Are you dead?

			NICKY
	No.

			VALERIE
	What are you doing?

			NICKY
	I think I'm floating.

			VALERIE
	Why would you be floating?

			NICKY
	I don't know.  Maybe it's because of
	your sweet voice.

			VALERIE
	Am I supposed to not be freaked out
	right now?  Because I am.

He's floating up.  He slows down.

			NICKY
	I can't see you but I can smell you.
	And you make me feel alive in a way I've
	never felt before.

CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window.
The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.

			STUDENT
	You got the wrong window again, man.

			NICKY
	Oh.  Sorry, Andrew.  Valerie?

Nicky resumes floating up.

			VALERIE
	I'm over here, Nicky!  To the left.

Nicky is parallel with her.  He hovers in front of her, eyes
still watering.  She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies
back ten feet.

			VALERIE (CONT'D)
	Look, just because you're floating
	doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you
	giving me the finger.

			NICKY
	That wasn't me.  I was being possessed
	by my brother, Adrian.  He's the one who
	call you a gross pig.

			VALERIE
	What do you mean, "possessed?"

			NICKY
	Remember when I told you my Dad was in
	Hell?

			VALERIE
	Yes...

			NICKY
	Well, that's because he's the Devil.
	And he wants to keep his throne for
	another ten-thousand years.  Which is
	fine with me, but not with my brothers,
	so they broke out of Hell, causing my
	dad...

			VALERIE
	... "The Devil?"...

			NICKY
	...to decompose.  And I love my  Dad
	very much.  So I came to Earth to save
	him but then crazy eyes stole my flask
	and I met you and...well, my dog tells
	me I just might be in love with you.

His vision is clearing and he can start to see her.  She is
totally in shock but still here.

			VALERIE
	Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke.

Nicky laughs.  Valerie joins in.

			VALERIE (CONT'D)
	I don't know if I should believe you.

Nicky starts to drop.

			NICKY
	You gotta believe me.  You gotta believe
	in the butterflies.

			VALERIE
	Okay, I do.  Get back up here.

He floats up to her holding out his hand.  Nervously, she
takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are
flying.

EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT

They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

			VALERIE
	This is amazing.

They soar past some more buildings.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The preacher sense something.  He looks to the sky, then
holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.

			PREACHER
	The hellbeast is above us.  He's
	invading our skies!  We're all gonna
	die!  We're all gonna die!

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

			VALERIE
	He's kind of ruining the mood.

			NICKY
	Let me take care of that.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.

			PREACHER
	We're all gonna die!

A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off.  A powerful blast of
water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across
the street into a plate glass window.

EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS

			VALERIE
	Can we go fly over Central Park?

			NICKY
	Next time.  Tonight, I want to share the
	most beautiful thing I could possibly
	imagine.

EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT

They fly over it, away from NYC.

			VALERIE
	We're going to Jersey?

			NICKY
	East Rutherford.

EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT

They float high above the Meadowlands.  There is an outdoor
concert going on.  OZZFEST.
We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore.  He is singing "Mr.
Crowley."  Nicky turns to Valerie.

			NICKY
	I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live
	until he was dead.
		(he looks at her)
	Please tell me you like metal.

			VALERIE
		(sings along to song)
	"Mister Crowley, what's inside of your
	head..."

Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.

			NICKY
	My dog was right.  I'm in love with you.

They slow dance tighter.  The music swells.  John and Peter
look up from their seats far below.  Nicky sees them while
he's holding her tight.  They give thumbs up.

				DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING

Feeling great.  Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down
the street.

He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet.  The
KOREANS point and seem agitated by him.  Nicky gives them a
friendly wave.

			NICKY
		(in Korean)
	Moo ya san jie bay!

The Koreans just glare.  Nicky's confused.

MUSIC CUE:

A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the
sequence.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following.  Nicky
looks back a little, unnerved.  A TAXI screeches in front of
him.  The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their
teacher and start chasing Nicky.

EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY

A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by.  He thinks about
going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a
candy bar instead.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky.  They point
and start wheeling after him.

EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY

Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.

			NICKY
	What's going on here?

But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to
catch up.  They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a
last second right turn into an alley.  The wheelchairs can't
slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the
bottom of the street.  The TOURIST on the top level look over
the edge to see the crash.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

Nicky is panicking, out of breath.  A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up
out of his cardboard box.  The bum raises his bottle and
thunks Nicky on the head.  It doesn't break.

			NICKY
	Ow...what was that for?

			BUM
	Fifty million dollars.

The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST.  It reads "MONSTER WANTED!"
And has a picture of Nicky.  Nicky is shocked.

Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there
blocking the entrance.  He's trapped.  They start running
right at him.  He closes his eyes.

			NICKY
	Release the evil.

Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying
insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.

The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows
immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked
out.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

Beefy and Todd are watching TV.  They look over to see the
insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one
exhausted Nicky.

			NICKY
	I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.

			BEEFY
	The shit has hit the fan, kid.  Take a
	look.

			TODD
	Been breaking all morning.

ON THE TV - DAY

We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.

			DAN RATHER
	At a news conference earlier today,
	Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this
	beleaguered city its latest dose of bad
	news.  He revealed that the man who
	caused a sensation at basketball arena
	last night is no hero... he is, in fact,
	a mass murderer.

We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics.  He's
holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky's outraged.

			NICKY
	I didn't murder anybody

			BEEFY
	Look.  You were really high.  Things
	happen.

			NICKY
	I was with Valerie, I swear.  This is
	Adrian's work.  I've got to find him.

			BEEFY
	I think you're looking at him.

ON THE TV - DAY

We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese
press to keep him warm.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
		(on TV)
	This video shows what he did after he
	left the basketball arena yesterday...

ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY

Scarface shooting his AK-47.  Nicky's face has been crudely
superimposed over his.

			GUY
		(Adrian's voice)
	My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all
	you suckers for no reason!

CUT TO FOOTAGE on "SCARFACE"

ON TV - DAY

The Chief shakes his head.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	Difficult to watch, I know.  In response
	to this vicious crime, I am authorizing
	the largest reward in law enforcement
	history: fifty million dollars to the
	person or persons who bring this man to
	me.

INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Nicky stands outraged.

			NICKY
	This is baloney!

			BEEFY
	He superimposed your head onto
	"Scarface."

			TODD
	...which is by far DePalma's best
	work...

A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

The pounding increases.

			NICKY
	I'm not Nicky.  I'm not home!  I don't
	live here!

			PETER
	Dude, it's us.  Let us in.

Nicky opens the door.  Peter and John stumble in.

			JOHN
	There's like a total mob scene coming
	this way.

We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.

			NICKY
	I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip.

Todd i s looking out the window.

			TODD
	Looks like they're following a giant
	trail of bug shit.

			PETER
	What'll we do now, Beefy?

			BEEFY
	I don't know, this is a little out of my
	league.

VOICES GROW LOUDER.

			VOICES (O.S.)
	Come on.  Let's get 'em.

			JOHN
	What would your dad do, Nicky?

			NICKY
	Good idea...kill me.

			PETER
	Dude.  Seriously?

			NICKY
	Yes.  I'll meet you at Grand Central at
	noon.  Okay.  Do me.  I command you.

			JOHN AND PETER
		(psyched)
	Alright!

John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen
counter.  Nicky is dazed.

			NICKY
	That just hurt a lot.

			TODD
	I've always wanted to kill someone.  Can
	I do it?

			JOHN
	Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd.  John
and Peter watch happily.

			TODD
	Die, Grandma, die!

Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up.  Pause.  The hand
drops back in.  He's dead.

INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer.  He's holding cards, looking
at his hand.

			LUCIFER
	Royal flush, you lose.  Off with the
	bra.

The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip
poker.  The Gatekeeper takes off his bra.  From behind, we
see his breasts flop out.

			LUCIFER (CONT'D)
	Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big,
	two hillbillies were blowing on them.

The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out.  The
Monster laughs uproariously.  Nicky enters and moves to
what's left of his dad.  Arms, torso, and a head (with one
ear).

			NICKY
	Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after
	me.  He's always a step ahead.  What am
	I gonna do?

			DAD
	What are you gonna do?  Look at me,
	Nicky!  I got no legs, I got no hips, I
	got one ear...

Dad's remaining ear falls out.

			DAD (CONT'D)
	I got no ears!  I can't hear!

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Now he's got no ears!  You happy, Nicky?
	Your father's got no ears!

			NICKY
	Uh, I'll do my best, Dad.  Do you have
	any advice at all for me?

			DAD
	I can't hear you, Nicky.  I can't hear
	anything!

Jimmy picks up the ear.  Jimmy speaks into it.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Check one-two.  Check one-two.

			DAD
	Put it back on my head.  I'm falling
	apart here.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky.
		(putting ear back on Dad)
	You get your ass back up there.  You
	save your father!

Nicky looks very upset.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

We see John and Peter enter frame.  Looking very nervous.

			PETER
	You sure you're down with this?

			JOHN
	Little nervous.  Wanna puke.

They approach the cops guarding the door.

			JOHN (CONT'D)
	Looking for the chief.

			PETER
	We know where to find Nicky.

COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.

INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room,
the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT
SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	You have what I want?

			JOHN
	Sure do.  You got what we want?

			PETER
	Fifty million bones, bro.

He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	That's half of it.  You get the rest
	when I get Nicky.

			PETER
	Excellent.  But I gotta warn you, man.
	He's not human.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	Really?

			JOHN
	We think he's the son of Satan.

PAUSE.  The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does.  He walks
over and picks them up by their throats.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	Well, then I guess I'll have to be extra
	careful.  Now where is he?

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall.  FIVE minutes til NOON.  We
see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND
CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops.  The chief
bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.

			BAG LADY
	Hey, watch it!  Who do you think you
	are?

			CHIEF OF POLICE
		(never stopping)
	Emperor of the New Hell.

They march through onto the platform for Track 33.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

We see Beefy and Todd waiting by the place where Nicky
usually comes up.  It is hot down there.  Steam and smoke
comes out of the tunnels.  Todd is nervous.

			TODD
	Where is he?  He's late.

			BEEFY
	He'll be here.  Just keep your cool,
	kid.

They hear FOOTSTEPS.  They turn and see the chief of police
backed up by the huge police force.

			BEEFY (CONT'D)
	We've been ratted out.

Beefy and Todd turn to see John and Peter looking sheepish.

			TODD
	You guys.  That was so uncool.

			PETER
	We thought the son of Satan would
	understand a move like this.

Peter and John high-five.

			CHIEF OF POLICE
	Okay, take these two outside.  I can
	handle this.

The police grab Todd and put a leash on Beefy.  The cops lead
their prisoners away down the tunnel, leaving John and Peter
alone with the chief.

			CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
	Wanna see something cool?

The chief inserts a finger into his nostril.  Then he fits
his hand up there.  Soon his whole arm is up his nostril as
he searches for something.  John and Peter are impressed.
The chief grabs something and starts to pull.  Then out of
his nose comes Adrian, who fully forms as the shell of the
chief's body slumps to the ground.

			ADRIAN
	Ta-da.  So what time is my brother
	expected back?

			JOHN
	Noon...

They look at the clock.  It's noon.

			JOHN (CONT'D)
	...ish.

Peter is sweating, kinda nervous.

			PETER
	So even though you're not really the
	chief, we still get the rest of the
	cash, right bro?

			ADRIAN
	You know what you'll get?  An
	indescribably horrific torture
	administered by demons for the rest of
	eternity.

			JOHN
	But what about the cash?  Can we keep it
	or what?

			ADRIAN
	Sure, why not?

They high five.  Adrian smiles and waits.  It is real hot
down there.  We hear a train coming in the distance.  A fan
circles slowly.  They all wait for him.

			LADY
		(mumbling to herself)
	Food stamps?
	They should call 'em "dude stamps."
	Cause ever time I get one, some dude
	takes it away...

We see the HOMELESS LADY down the platform stumbling her way
towards them, drunk.  Adrian scowls at her.

			LADY (CONT'D)
	Hey, studs.  I'll let you make out with
	me for a dollar!

			JOHN
	No thanks...but we'll take that bottle
	of booze.
		(grabs the bottle, laughs)

			LADY
	Hey...that's mine.

Peter pushes her away.

			PETER
	Beat it, ya freak.

John and Peter high five and John swigs from the bag.

			JOHN
	Schnapps...

			PETER
		(takes the bag, swigs)
	Peppermint...alright.

Adrian raises his eyebrows.  We see that the homeless lady is
actually VALERIE in disguise.  She looks back, tense.  John
offers Adrian the flask.

			JOHN
	Wanna hit?

Hands it to him.  He takes it.

			PETER
	Drink up.  Here's to fifty million
	clams.

			ADRIAN
	To the defilement of Earth and the
	corruption of its people.

			PETER
	Whatever.  Knock it back, grab Nicky and
	let's get outta this hell-hole.

Adrian smiles at John, then raises the bag.  He stops just
before it hits his lips.  He looks at John curiously.

			ADRIAN
	It is awfully hot down here.  How do you
	manage to stay so cool?

			JOHN
	Weed lowers the body temperature.
		(stuttering)
	I read that...in, uh...er, science
	magazine.

Adrian stares at John.  He raises the bag again.

			ADRIAN
	This liquid will probably quench my
	thirst.  Cool me off.

			PETER
	Definitely.

			JOHN
	And give you a good buzz.

			ADRIAN
	Or maybe it will trap me inside for all
	eternity.

			JOHN
	Uh.  No it won't?

John starts to tremble a bit.

			ADRIAN
	Oh, Nicky, I've missed you.  Come on out
	and say hello...

			JOHN
	Urr...uggg...errr...

			ADRIAN
		(eyes getting red)
	I'm calling you out, brother...

Adrian is mentally pulling Nicky out of John.  Nicky/John
wages an epic battle with himself as Adrian smiles.

			JOHN/NICKY
	Urrr...uggh...
		(as Nicky)
	Oww.  Adrian, this is very painful.

Nicky comes flying out.  John's body slumps to the floor next
to the chief's.  Adrian looks in the "Schnapps bottle" to see
the flask wrapped in paper.  He peeks inside.

			ADRIAN
	Hello, Cassius.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	All right.  Let me out.

			ADRIAN
	You know, New Hell really only needs one
	new Satan.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	You mother...

Adrian hands Nicky the flask.

			ADRIAN
	But Cassius could use some company for
	the rest of eternity.  So get in the
	flask.

He puts the Flask in Nicky's hands.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - MOMENTS LATER

The police are escorting Beefy and Todd through the terminal.
Beefy starts whining and stops.  The cops look down.  Beefy
raises his leg.

			COP
	Oh, he's gotta pee.

A thick, yellow smoke shoots out of Beefy, enveloping the
group.  Beefy escapes and bolts back down stairs.

			TODD
	Run, Beefy!  Run!

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

Adrian stares down Nicky.

			NICKY
	I won't drink.  You can't make me.

Adrian looks over at Valerie.  Suddenly she comes flying over
to him.  He grabs her by the throat.

We hear a train coming in the distance.

			ADRIAN
	Of course I can.  Drink or she dies.
		(Nicky is scared)
	Unlike you, she won't come back from
	where she's going.

			NICKY
	Let her go.

			ADRIAN
	I hear a train coming.  Drink.

The train sound is coming CLOSER.  Valerie looks at Nicky.
Nicky raises the flash to drink.

			VALERIE
	Don't do it.

			NICKY
	I have to, Valerie.

We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size
archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into
ADRIAN'S LEG.

			ADRIAN
	Ahhh!

			BEEFY
	Now that hurt the both of us.

Valerie is able to escape momentarily.  Adrian reaches for
her, grabbing her.  They both spin and fall down onto the
tracks.  Right into the oncoming train.

			NICKY
	Valerie!!!

Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from
Adrian and tosses her off the tracks.  Adrian looks at Nicky.

			ADRIAN
	See you in Hell!

WHAMM!  The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.

INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS

Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell.  He
looks around.  Confused, there's no Nicky.

				DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY

Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass.  He
sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.

Nicky looks around, alarmed.  He seems to be in a mountain
vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps.  It's gorgeous.

Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday
cake.  Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating
down to him.

EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar.  After
a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA
and CHRISTA.  They are doing arts and crafts sort of things
on a glass table in front of them.  They stare at him.  Angel
rises.

			ANGEL
	Oh. My. G-d.  I can't believe you're
	here.  Welcome.  Can I just tell you, I
	am so excited right now.

			CHRISTA
	So excited.

			JENNA
	She really is.

			NICKY
	That's terrific.  Now could you ladies
	point me to the Black Palace?  I should
	check in with my dad...

Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.

			ANGEL
	I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

			JENNA
	Do you have any idea where you are right
	now?

			NICKY
	The home of eternal damnation, house of
	Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...

			ANGEL
	Maybe try the opposite of that.

The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five.  Nicky's
confused.

			ANGEL (CONT'D)
	Okay, can I just ask you something?
	What do you know about your mom?

			NICKY
	My brothers told me my mother was a
	mountain goat.  Which would explain my
	chronic halitosis.

			ANGEL
		(annoyed)
	A mountain goat?  That's really sweet.

			NICKY
	My mom wasn't a goat?

			ANGEL
	Try an angel.

			NICKY
	An angel?

			ANGEL
	Unh-huh.  Which would make you half
	angel.

Nicky is floored.

			NICKY
	Wow.  What...what did she look like?

			ANGEL
	Well, she was about six-three, only
	spoke Portuguese and had really long
	grey hair.

The GIRLS start laughing.

			ANGEL (CONT'D)
	I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on you.
	I'm your mom.

Nicky is even more floored.  FLASH.  Jenna has taken a
picture of Nicky.

			JENNA
	I'm sorry, but you just had the sweetest
	look on your face.

			CHRISTA
	You're gonna be so happy she did that.

			NICKY
		(stunned)
	How come you're not older?

			ANGEL
	Angels don't get any older, son.

			JENNA
	I can't believe you just called him
	"son."

			ANGEL
	Oh my G-d.  This is so wild.

They laugh.  Nicky is quite baffled.

INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up
by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne.
Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand
around.

			DAD
	I can't see shit.  You're all still
	here, right?

Adrian enters.  They all cheer.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Adrian's here.  You'll be back to normal
	in a jiffy, sir.

			DAD LIPS
	Yea!  I can't believe little Nicky came
	through.

			ADRIAN
	Where's Nicky?

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	He came with you and Cassius, right?

			ADRIAN
	I came through that gate alone.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Sorry, sir, false alarm.

			DAD
	Boooo.

			ADRIAN
	Somebody explain what's going on.

Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.

			GATEKEEPER
	You'll get nothing out of me.

			ADRIAN
	Perhaps a titty twister will loosen your
	lips.

He twists a breast.  The Gatekeeper babbles out the
information immediately.

			GATEKEEPER
	The only way to save your dad is for you
	and your brothers to pass through the
	gates at the same time before he
	deteriorates completely.

			ADRIAN
	How much time does Dad have before that
	happens?

Adrian twists hard.

			GATEKEEPER
	Thirty minutes.  And then whoever claims
	his throne will have unimaginable power.

Adrian throws him down.

			LUCIFER
	All boobs and no balls.

			ADRIAN
	Thirty minutes.  Hmmm.  I hope you don't
	mind if I take a seat while I wait for
	you.

He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.

			DAD LIPS
	Ahhh!

He pushes Lucifer out of the way.

			LUCIFER
	I don't get no respect.

			ADRIAN
	Ten thousand years.  And I never once
	got to sit here.

He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little.  He
grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	Wow.  And this is just a little taste of
	my power.

			DAD
	Hell's gonna bust wide open.  Demons,
	get him out of the chair!

The demons approach.

			ADRIAN
	Ah-ah.  Not so fast, demons.  There are
	a couple of million evil souls on Earth
	ready to be harvested.  Anyone
	interested?

The demons stop.  Now loyal to Adrian.  All except Jimmy.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.

			NICKY
	Are you Adrian and Cassius' mom, too?

			CHRISTA
	No, their mother's weren't angels.

			ANGEL
	I think they were hookers or strippers
	or something really porno like...

There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl
Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.

			CHUBBS
	Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your
	Mambo lesson.

			ANGEL
	Oh, Chubbs.  I totally spaced.  I'm so
	sorry.  I have company.  It's my son,
	Nicky.  My son.  Can you believe it?

			CHUBBS
	Wow, that's terrific.

			ANGEL
	Nicky, this is Chubbs.  He used to be a
	golf pro, but up here he's the dopest
	dance instructor.

			CHUBBS
	You mambo?

			NICKY
	I don't think so.

			CHUBBS
	Remember, it's all in the hips.  It's
	all in the hips.

Chubbs dances as he leaves.

			NICKY
	Where did you meet my father?

			ANGEL
	It was a long time ago, at some Heaven
	and Hell mixer.

			CHRISTA
	I remember that night, you had like four
	daiquiris.

			ANGEL
	Try four and a half.  At first I totally
	didn't like him.

			JENNA
	He was really conceited.

			ANGEL
	But I don't know, he was funny, he made
	me laugh, and I hate to say it but he
	had a really nice body.

			NICKY
	And that made you want to make a baby
	with him?

The Angels laugh.

			ANGEL
	Well, I really wasn't thinking about
	making a baby at the time!

Her cell-phone rings.  She answers it.

			ANGEL (CONT'D)
	Hello....yes, he's here with me now... I
	don't know if he's hot, he's my son, you
	perv!  I'll call you back...
		(laughs)
	Oh my G-d, I will call you back,
	goodbye.
		(hangs up)
	That was my friend, Michelle, she says
	"hi."

			NICKY
	Well tell her I said "hi" back.

Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.

			ANGEL
	I'll call her later.

			CHRISTA
	You know, we saw you save your
	girlfriend's life.

			JENNA
	That was so cool.

			ANGEL
	That's why you came up to Heaven instead
	of Hell.  Self-sacrifice automatically
	gets you here.

			NICKY
	How did you see me?

			ANGEL
	We can see what's going on anywhere on
	Earth.  Look.

Angel and the girls clear the junk from the glass table in
front of them.  Angel touches the glass and it turns into a
reflection of Earth below.

EXT. TIME'S SQUARE - NIGHT

People are rioting in the streets.  Looting appliance
stores...

			ANGEL (O.S.)
	All these good people have totally been
	led astray.

			CHRISTA (O.S.)
	Show him Central Park.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK LAWN - NIGHT

People are drinking and smoking and burning things.  A large
circle has formed around two old ladies who are fist
fighting.  One old lady knocks the other to the ground, then
jumps on her and starts wailing away.  The spectators
exchange money.

			ANGEL (O.S.)
	There's like a three day rave goin' on
	down there.  No on is going to work
	anymore.

Then suddenly we see the ground start to break up and Adrian
on his throne start to be thrust upwards.  Demons swarm
around him.

			ADRIAN
	Welcome to the party.  It's so nice to
	see all of you here.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Hey, that's Dad's throne!  How did
	Adrian get that?  Is Dad okay?

			ANGEL (O.S.)
	Let's see...

			     RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DAD LIPS are morosely talking to the Gatekeeper and Jimmy.

			DAD LIPS
	I was a good Devil, wasn't I?

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	You were the best Devil, boss, the best
	Devil!

			GATEKEEPER
	Absolutely.

			DAD LIPS
	I tried to do some interesting stuff...

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	You did amazing stuff!

			GATEKEEPER
	I don't know how you came up with some
	of it.

			DAD LIPS
	Really?  That means a lot to me.

			JENNA (O.S.)
	Oh my G-d.  He looks gross.

			ANGEL (O.S.)
	I can't believe I did it with him.

She touches the pool again and the reflection changes to:

EXT. NEW HELL THRONE - NIGHT

Adrian steps off his throne onto a small stage flanked by SIX
HERO DEMONS.  He begins addressing the crowd.

			ADRIAN
	I'm very proud of you.  You've taken to
	sin with minimal prompting.

The crowd cheers.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	You're acting as if there is no Heaven
	or Hell.

The crowd cheers.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - NIGHT

We see John, Peter, Beefy, Valerie and Todd hanging on
flagpoles by their underwear.  Beefy is in a special fitted
harness that looks like underwear.

			ADRIAN
	Well, I have some news.

Adrian morphs into the Cardinal from earlier.

			CARDINAL
	There is most definitely a Hell!  And
	you're all going there when you die!
	Which will happen in about fifteen
	minutes.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The BAD PEOPLE realize they've been tricked into being bad
and they get scared.
The Preacher, who is now more battered from his fall through
the plate glass window (ask Steve), yells out.

			PREACHER
	We really are gonna die!

This kicks off a frenzy of the Scared Bad People trying to
run away.  But they are stopped and herded back by DEMONS.

EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

			PETER
	This don't look good.

			JOHN
	Can't Beefy use his penis powers to get
	us out of this?

			TODD
	They castrated him.  He can't shoot
	arrows, he can't piss smoke.

			BEEFY
	I can't screw.
		(whimpers)
	I can't screw.

Valerie's crying.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Nicky is shocked.

			NICKY
	Valerie's crying!

			ANGEL
	She's so nice.

			CHRISTA
	She goes to Parson's, right?

			ANGEL
	I would totally love to go there.  But I
	hear it's really hard to get in.

			NICKY
	I gotta help her.  I gotta help Dad.  I
	gotta help everybody.

			ANGEL
	Yeah, you do...

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Adrian is looking at a clock tower that reads 11:45.

			ADRIAN (V.O.)
	At the stroke of midnight, my father
	will be completely deteriorated.  And
	all of your souls will be mine.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

			ADRIAN
	Soon you will see things more horrible
	than you can even imagine.

Adrian scans the crowd.  He sees...

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The Parsons STUDENT in the kimono dancing sexily.  Adrian is
thrown.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

			ADRIAN
	Not that horrible, but still pretty bad.

Adrian motions to some of his guards.  They nod.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	So while we wait, for your enjoyment, I
	bring you a dear sweet man and an
	international icon...Henry Winkler!

A frightened HENRY WINKLER is lead onto the stage prodded by
two DEMONS.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The scared bad people finally smile.

EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

			ADRIAN
	Covered in bees!

We see Henry Winkler is suddenly covered head to in a swarm
of bees.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

The crowd gasps.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Nicky is starting to panic.

			NICKY
	But how can I win?  Adrian is stronger
	and smarter than me.

			ANGEL
	Stronger, yes.  Smarter, definitely.
	But you have something he doesn't have.

			NICKY
	A speech impediment?

The girls laugh.

			ANGEL
	No, you have the inner light.  You can
	totally use it.  It's the best power of
	all.
		(he smiles)
	And in case you get in real bad trouble,
	G-d told me to give you this.

She gives him an ornate, jewelled ball.

			NICKY
	What is it?

			ANGEL
	I'm not a hundred percent on that.  G-d
	said when the time comes, you'll know
	what to do.

			CHRISTA
	G-d's so smart.

			JENNA
	The smartest.

			ANGEL
	Well, goodbye...for now.
		(looks at his face)
	Can I just do this?

She licks her finger and wipes some dirt off his forehead.

			ANGEL (CONT'D)
	That was such a Mom thing, wasn't it?

			FRIEND
	Totally.

			NICKY
	Well, nice meeting you, Jenna, Christa.
		(to Angel)
	Would it be okay if I called you Mommy?

			ANGEL
	It would be so okay.

Nicky hugs his Mom.

			NICKY
	Well, Mommy, get me to the big apple
	cause I'm gonna rock that town like a
	hurricane.

			ANGEL (O.S.)
	You're already there...

EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND SHORE - NIGHT

Nicky dissolves into walking.  He checks his pocket to see
the ball.  He looks up to see fifteen Demons marching towards
him, ready to attack.  Nicky closes his eyes and
concentrates.

			NICKY
	Release...the good.

When he opens them, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES are floating around
the head of five of the DEMONS.  They stop approaching.
THEIR EYES TURN FROM WHITE BACK TO NORMAL.  And their facial
expression changes to happiness.  They wave at the
butterflies.

ANGLE ON

MORE DEMONS keep closing.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Release the good...

Five more are stopped by something.  They look down and see
fluffy white BUNNY RABBITS at their feet.  They start petting
them.

The REMAINING DEMONS advance on Nicky.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Release the awesome.

...then stop, their path blocked by a very large bucket of
POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN.  The Demons consider the bucket of
chicken.  One Demon takes out a piece.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Put it in your mouth and let it slide
	down your throat-hole.

The Demon bites into it.  He can't help but grin a little.

			DEMON
	Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

The OTHER SOULS dig into the bucket.

EXT. CLOCK TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Only ten minutes left.

EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

The dudes on the flagpoles are chatting nervously.

			TODD
	One thing I really regret is never
	having experimented sexually.

			PETER
	You mean, like, experiment with a Bunsen
	Burner?  What are you talking about?

			JOHN
	He means getting it on with someone like
	that freak.

ANGLE ON:

The student dancing for a mesmerized Demon.

BACK ON PETER, TODD and JOHN

			TODD
	His name is Andrew.  I know that guy.

			JOHN
	Of course you do, Tommy Tune.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK PATH - NIGHT

Nicky leads his small army of reformed Demons (followed by
butterflies & bunnies and carrying the chicken bucket) down
the path toward the rally.  We see they have a golden
light/haze of good around them.

EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

Adrian is underneath Valerie.

			ADRIAN
	You know, from this angle, you're kind
	of cute.

			VALERIE
	You think so?  Why don't you come a
	little closer and I'll show you a better
	angle.

He moves a little closer, and she spits on him.  He smiles.
Opens his mouth and catches her spit.  He swallows.

			ADRIAN
	Yummy.

Everyone is grossed out.

			TODD
	Oh my G-d, he just opened his mouth and
	swallowed that spit.

			BEEFY
	That turn you on there, RuPaul?

			ADRIAN
	Keep it up and I just might make you my
	Queen for a night or two.

			JOHN
	You want a queen?  Got one right here.

John points at Todd.  They laugh.  Adrian gets closer to
Valerie.  Just then a big butterfly appears on his shoulder.
He looks down to see:

Nicky standing there with his army.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	Little Nicky.

			NICKY
	Adrian, I'm asking you nicely, in the
	name of all that is good: release my
	friends and get in the flask.

			ADRIAN
	Is this a joke?

			NICKY
	No.  It's the inner light.  And with it
	we can defeat anything you've got.

			REFORMED DEMON
		(eating Popeye's chicken)
	It's true!

Adrian glares down at the REFORMED DEMON.  His eyes shoot out
an evil ray.

The Reformed Demon explodes into a million pieces.  His
golden insides splatter on the crowd.

The Army of Good is shaken.  Another Demon lowers his
chicken.

			ANOTHER REFORMED DEMON
	It's not true?

The BUCKET OF CHICKEN sprouts legs and runs away.  Nicky
steps forward bravely.

			NICKY
	Okay, Adrian, you've left me with no
	choice.

Nicky leaves frame and he flies up towards Adrian.

 EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Nicky lands on both feet standing before Adrian.

			NICKY
	Love lifts me up where I belong.

ANGLE ON

Crowd reacts.

ON HELL STAGE

Demons are ready to attack.  Adrian waves them off.

			ADRIAN
	Not bad, little brother.  Let's see what
	you've got.

Nicky thinks, holds out his hands.  A rainbow shoots out onto
the stage between them.  PAUSE.  We see that a cute little
chipmunk is standing on it's hindlegs eating a nut.

ON CROWD

The army of good and scared bad people applaud as they see
this.

BACK ON HELL STAGE

Adrian nods, holds out his arms and a red stream shoots out.
He has made a terrible PYTHON that comes over and eats the
baffled chipmunk in one bite.

Nicky raises his hand and: turns the snake into a row of
flowers.

Adrian raises his hand and a crazed MEXICAN GARDNER with a
lawn mower comes by and mows them down.

Nicky turns the Gardner and his lawn mower into a MOTHER
pushing a NEW BORN BABY in a carriage.

Adrian turns the baby in the carriage into an EVIL DWARF who
leaps out and starts beating up on the mother.

Nicky turns the Mother into a HOT GIRL DWARF.  The evil Dwarf
stops beating her up and holds her hand.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	Enough.  I'm going to kill you with my
	bare hands.

Adrian punches Nicky hard in the jaw.  He goes flying off the
platform.

Nicky's body falls towards the ground.  It's about to hit,
when a soft bed of posts and fluffy pillows break his fall.

INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS

We now see Angel, Jenna, Christa and SEVEN OTHER GIRLS
watching the action on the table.

			ANGEL
	I totally had to do that.

			ALL THE GIRLS
	Yah you did.

CHUBBS is there, too.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

Nicky looks up to see Adrian flying down towards him.  Nicky
rolls away at the last second.  Adrian hits the bed hard and
bounces up.  Nicky grabs him mid-bounce and slams him back
down into the golden/brass headboard of the bed.  Nicky holds
out the flask.

			NICKY
	Now I'm asking you nicely, get in the
	flas...

Adrian grabs a pillow and hits Nicky hard in the face,
sending him flying off the bed.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Oh, you wanna a pillow fight, do you?!

Nicky is an expert pillow fighter.  He lands a series of
awesome, almost Matrix-like pillow moves.  Adrian is dazed.

Nicky finishes him off by tossing the pillow high in the air
to him.  Adrian looks up to catch it and just before it
lands, Nicky steps up and pops him in the face.  Adrian goes
down hard.  Nicky towers over him.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Now will you get in the flask?

			ADRIAN
	Absolutely not.

Adrian turns to his demons.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	A little help over here.

A bunch of Demons advance.

ON FLAGPOLE

We see Henry Winkler, swollen with bee stings, valiantly run
over and lowers the five from the flagpoles.

ON ADRIAN

He looks up and glares at Henry.

			ADRIAN (CONT'D)
	Henry!

ON FLAGPOLE

Henry's eyes widen.

			HENRY WINKLER
	Oh no.

He is covered in bees again.

BACK ON ADRIAN

He turns his attention back to Nicky who is grabbed by
demons.  Adrian brings the flask to his lips, but he won't
open his mouth.

Adrian pinches Nicky's nose closed so he has to open his
mouth.

			ADRIAN
	Goodbye, Nicky.

We hear CASSIUS banging against the walls.

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	Come on in, bro.

Nicky can't hold his breath and opens his mouth.  Adrian jams
the flask in his mouth and Nicky starts to get sucked in.
Adrian smiles.  But just before Nicky is gone, he manages to
grab Adrian's coat tail and yank him into the flask with him.

As the flask hits the ground, we HEAR:

			CASSIUS (O.S.) (CONT'D)
	Thank you, Nicky.  Cause now I'm gonna
	bust Adrian's head wide open.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	I was going to let you out, eventually,
	Cassius.  I swear.

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Sole ruler of Hell and Earth is what I
	heard him keep saying.

We HEAR the sounds of a struggle.

All the Demons and all the people of NEW YORK form a large
circle around the flask.  Valerie and the gang make it down
off the stage.

We HEAR crazy sounds as the FLASK starts to jump.  The crowd
REACTS.  A big dent pops out from the inside, followed by a
horrible thud.

			VALERIE
	Nicky!

			NICKY (O.S.)
	That was Cassius!

The FLASK starts rolling over and over on the road.  People
get out of the way as if it were real people fighting in the
street.  They root for their side.

			DEMON
	Kill him, Adrian.

John and Peter start beating up the Demon.

INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

The Angel and the Friend are praying.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

We HEAR banging and beating and yelling from inside and then
the flask stops bouncing.  SILENCE.  Everybody outside holds
their breath.  Slowly out of the spout crawls NICKY.

HOORAY.  Valerie, John, Todd and Beefy and all the living
people CHEER.  The student, very happy, opens his kimono.
The people and demons near him are grossed out.

Valerie goes tot he very beaten up Nicky and hugs him.

			VALERIE
	Where'd a sweet Southern boy learn to
	fight like that?

			NICKY
	From my dad's side of the family.

She laughs and kisses him on the mouth.  The crowd CHEERS.
But Nicky won't stop kissing her.  She starts to struggle for
air.  Nicky presses harder and starts to laugh.

The crowd stops CHEERING.  Valerie is waving her arms for
help.  Nicky turns into Adrian during the kiss.  Adrian lets
her go.  And we hear ADRIAN'S familiar laugh.

			ADRIAN
	What?  No tongue?

Adrian pulls his head back, his tongue is huge and he turns
into a GIANT BAT.  He lets out a huge roar, then flies
around, laughing, scaring people.

Valerie runs over and picks up the flask.  She looks inside.

			VALERIE
		(whispering)
	Nicky. Nicky.

No response.

			VALERIE (CONT'D)
	You gotta fly out...I know you can do
	it.
		(still no response)
	Do it for the butterflies.

A long beat, then:

			NICKY (O.S.)
	Butterflies...

And Nicky shoots right out of the top of the flask and lands
on his feet.  Adrian lands and stares down Nicky.  The clock
is one minute from midnight.

Adrian swoops down.  Nicky thinks quick and pulls out the
BALL his Mom gave him and smashes it on the ground.  Out of
it forms metal G-d: OZZY OSBORNE.

			OZZY
	Hello, New York.

			JOHN AND PETER
	Ozzy.

They faint.

The Bat's eyes go wide in fear.  Ozzy grabs the bat, his
mouth grows big, and he bites the bat's head off.  Valerie
hands Ozzy the flask.

			VALERIE
	Put him in, Ozzy.

Ozzy spits the bat head into the flask.

EXT. CLOCK TOWER

The clock reads: 00:23 seconds left.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dad is just a very thin pair of lips and one finger.  The
FINGER is going up and down on the lips, making silly sounds.
The Gatekeeper, the Monster, Jimmy the Demon and Lucifer are
on their backs crying like babies.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

			VALERIE
	Grand Central, Nicky.  Start running.

			JOHN
	He'll never make it.

			PETER
	You gotta kill yourself.

			NICKY
	I'll just go to Heaven.

			BEEFY
	No if you do something bad right before
	you die.

PAUSE.  Everyone looks around.  Nicky spots Henry Winkler.

			HENRY WINKLER
	Aw, man, not again.

			NICKY
	Sorry, Henry.
		(focuses)
	Release the Evil.

Henry is covered in bees once again.

ON NICKY AND VALERIE

Nicky picks up a big rock and hands it to Valerie.

			NICKY (CONT'D)
	Do me.

			VALERIE
	I love you.

			NICKY
	I love you.

Valerie smashes the rock on Nicky's head, killing him.

ON CLOCK TOWER

Six seconds left.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The lips and finger are slowing down.

INT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

Nicky triumphantly passes through the wall of fire and it
starts burning again behind him.  And now all the BACKED UP
SOULS fall out on top of Nicky.

The Gatekeeper APPLAUDS.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The STAGE, the DEMONS and everything that raised from Hell
now descends quickly into the ground.

INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Dad's lips form a body around it.  Dad FILLS IN.

EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

The good people of New York cheer.  We see John, Peter, Todd,
Valerie, Beefy and the Student, who of course is dancing
seductively.

EXT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

Angel is so proud.

			ANGEL
	Okay, you just saw my son save the
	universe.  Right?!

Everyone cheers.

INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

Dad and Nicky are hugging.

			DAD
	You came through, Nicky.

			NICKY
	I came through for you, Mom and the
	butterflies, Dad.

			DAD
	You're back in Hell now, kid.  There's
	no butterflies here.  If you want
	butterflies, you need to be on Earth.

			NICKY
	What about you and Grandpa and everyone
	in Hell?

			DAD
	Nicky, I let my butterflies die once
	upon a time and it's never stopped
	hurting.
		(Dad looks up)
	That's right, you heard me, Holly.  I'm
	still in love with you.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

Angel is shocked.

			ANGEL
	Oh my G-d.  He's totally talking about
	me.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

			DAD
	And don't think I forgot about how crazy
	you get after a few daiquiris.

INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

			FRIEND
	That guy is still a horn dog.

INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dad turns to Nicky.

			DAD
	Listen, I got down low.  Your mom's got
	up high.  You take care of the middle.

			NICKY
	I will, Dad.  But in the words of Motley
	Crue, this will always be my...home
	sweet home...

He pats him on the back.

			JIMMY THE DEMON
	Sorry to interrupt guys, but it's time
	for Hitler's punishment.

			LUCIFER
	Let me handle that.

Lucifer walks over to the closet.

			LUCIFER (CONT'D)
	And I'm not using a pineapple this time.

He pulls out the flask.

			ADRIAN (O.S.)
	No!

			CASSIUS (O.S.)
	Don't do it!

He shoves the flask up Hitler's ass.  Hitler's face tightens.

			HITLER
	Holy Schnit!

FREEZE FRAME, then:

				DISSOLVE TO:

ONE YEAR LATER

Over the skyline of Manhattan.

EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK WEST

PAN UP from a moving baby stroller to reveal Nicky and
Valerie both pushing it.  We see Beefy walking with them.
Unbelievably happy.

A nice OLD LADY bends down to the stroller.

			LADY
	Oh...what an uncommonly beautiful baby.

			VALERIE
	Thank yo.

			LADY
	Such a little angel.

			BEEFY
	Only a quarter, ma'am.

She tickles the baby.  It giggles and a small stream of fire
shoots out of his mouth and singes the Old Lady's eyebrows.

			NICKY
	Zachariah, say you're sorry.

			BABY ZACHARIAH
		(sounds like Nicky)
	Sorry.

The Lady scurries away.  Nicky and Valerie laugh and continue
walking in absolute bliss.  They pass the Preacher who runs
towards us.

			PREACHER
	He has spilled his seed!  He is
	multiplying!  Beware the progeny of the
	unholy union!  We're all gonna die!

The Preacher runs straight into the camera.  BLACK.

				    THE END.
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