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Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) movie script

by Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Eric Idle & Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones & Michael Palin.
Final draft, 20.3.74.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com
Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:

This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay.
This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took
place.  There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
ended up on the screen.  
This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.

I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "" before it.
Anything Penciled in has a "", I also put cut information before penciled in.

What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in.  The reason I keyed in
this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
around internet.  It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted
what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
What the hell!

After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft
of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
sketches for the 4th season of Python.  It Is sill quite different and well
worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????

Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.

Enough of this...

-Grue (09-Aug-92)

P.S. TO AHH:  DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to
say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL"		Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
	00.01 is the first action frame
	which is 391.00 before the first
	Clear Cut, which is Scene 4

	 Sc				Spot
	 No.	 Complete DIALOGUE			No.	Start   End   Ftge.
	 -------------------------			--------------------------
	 1	FADE IN:
	 Starts
	 00.01   TITLES ON BLACK B.G.

					PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
			in association with
			MICHAEL WHITE
			presents

FADE OUT:
FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS

			MONTY PYTHON
				and
			THE HOLY GRAIL
then:
				M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen

FADE OUT:
FADE IN:

						Written and preformed by:
			GRAHAM CHAPMAN
			JOHN CLEESE
			ERIC IDLE
			TERRY GILLIAM
			TERRY JONES
			MICHAEL PALIN
then:
						R0tern nik Akten Di
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
			with
			CONNIE BOOTH
			CAROL CLEVELAND
			NEIL INNES
			BEE DUFFELL
			JOHN YOUNG
			RITA DAVES
then:
			Wik
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			Also appearing
			AVRIL STEWART
			SALLY KINGHORN
then:
			Als0 wik
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
						Also also appearing
			MARK ZYCOON		ELSPETH CAMERON
			MITSUKO FORSTATER	 SALLY JOHNSON
			SANDY ROSE			ROMILLY SQUIE
			JONI FLNN			ALISON WALKER
			LORAINE WARD		  ANNA LANSKI
			SALLY COOMBE		  VIVIENNE MACDONALD
			YVONNE DICK		DAPHNE DARLING
			FIONA GORDON		  GLORIA GRAHAM
			JUDY LAMS			TRACY SNEDDON
			SYLVIA TAYLOR		 JOYCE POLLNER
			MARY ALLEN
then:
						Als0 als0 wik
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			Camera Operator	HOWARD ATHERTON
				Camera Focus	JOHN WELLARD
			Camera Assistant	ROGER PRATT
				Camera Grip	RAY HALL
	  Chargehand Electrician	TERRY HUNT
					Lighting	TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
				ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD
				TECHNICOLOR
		Rosturm Cameraman	KENT HOUSTON
then:
			Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			Sound Recordist	GARTH MARSHALL
				Sound Mixer	HUGH STRAIN
				Boom Swinger	GODFREY KIRBY
		Sound Maintenance	PHILIP CHUBB
			Sound Assistant	ROBERT DOYLE
			Dubbing Editor	JOHN FOSTER
		Assistant Editors	JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
				ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
				BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
			Sound Effects	IAN CRAFFORD
then:
					See the l0veli lakes
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
				Continuity	PENNY EYLES
				Accountant	BRIAN BROCKWELL
		Production Secretary	CHRISTINE WATT
			Property Buyer	BRIAN WINTERBORN
			Property Master	TOM RAEBURN
				Property Men	ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
				MIKE KENNEDY
					Catering	RON HELLARD LTD
					Vehicles	BUDGET RENT-A-CAR
then:
				The W0nderful teleph0ne system
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
	  Assistant Art Director	PHILIP COWLAM
		Construction Manager	BILL HARMAN
				Carpenters	NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
					Painter	GRAHAM BULLOCK
				Stagehand		JIM N. SAVERY
					Rigger		ED SULLIVAN
then:
			And mani interesting furry animals
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
					With special extra thanks to
		Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
		Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
		Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
		Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
		Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
		Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
		Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.

		Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
		Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
		Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.

		By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
		London W1 England.
		 And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.

		Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.
						All Rights Reserved.
then:
  The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
  Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
  University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
  making of this film.

  The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
  are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
  or history of any person is entirely accidental and
						unintentional.

			Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

				Including the majestic m00se
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
			Songs
						NEIL INNIS

					Additional music
						DEWOLFE
then:
			A M00se once bit my sister ...
TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
					Costume Designer
					HAZEL PETHING
then:
   No realli!  She was Karving her initals on the m00se
   with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
   by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
   star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
   Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
			Nordfink".
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			We apologise for the fault in the
			subtitles. Those responsible have been
			sacked.
then:
		Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
		We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles.  Those
		responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
					have been sacked.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
		 Production Manager		JULLIAN DOYLE
		 Assistant Director		GERRY HARRISON
			Special Effects		JOHN HORTON
			Choreography
		Fight Director &
		  Period Consultant		JOHN WALKER
			Make-up Artists		PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
				Photography		JULLIAN DOYLE
	Animation Assistance		LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
		M00se Trained by		TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA
DISSOLVE TO:
		Lighting Cameraman	TERRY BEDFORD
	Special M00se Effects	OLAF PROT
			M00se Costumes	SIGGI CHURCHILL
DISSOLVE TO:
					Designer	ROY SMITH
	  M00se Choreographed by	HORST PROT III
	 Miss Taylor's M00ses by	HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
	 M00se trained to mix
	 concrete and sign com-
	 plicated insurance
					forms by	JURGEN WIGG
DISSOLVE TO:
					Editor	JOHN HACKNEY
	  M00ses' noses wiped by	BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER

	 Large m00se on the left
	 half side of the screen
	 in the third scene from
	the end,given a thorough
	 grounding in Latin,
	 French and "O" Level
			Geography by	BO BENN

	Suggestive poses for the
		  M00se suggested by	  VIC ROTTER
			Antler-care by	  LIV THATCHER
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
		  The directors of the firm hired to
		  continue the credits after the other
		  people had been sacked, with it to
		  be known that they have just been
		  sacked.

		  The credits have been completed
		  in an entirely different style at
		  great expense and at the last
		  minute.
FADE OUT:
	  TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
						Executive Producer
			JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			Producer
			MARK FORSTARTER

			Assisted by
			EARL J. LLAMA
						MIKE Q. LLAMA III
			SY LLAMA
						MERLE Z. LLAMA IX
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
			Directed by
					40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
					ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
					6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
					142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
					14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
				(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
					REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
					76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
			FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
			and
					TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FADE OUT:

1  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

Mist.  Several seconds of it swirling about.  silence
possibly, atmospheric music.  SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
They come slowly closer.  Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
together.   ARTHUR raises his hand.

			ARTHUR
	Whoa there!

SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish.  ARTHUR
peers through the mist.  CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist.  On the castle
battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen.  He peers down.

			SOLDIER
	Halt!  Who goes there?

			ARTHUR
	It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
	of Camelot.  King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
	sovereign of all England!

Pause.

			SOLDIER
	Get away!

			ARTHUR
	I am...  And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
	length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
	our court at Camelot..  I must speak with your lord and master.

			SOLDIER
	What?  Ridden on a horse?

			ARTHUR
	Yes!

			SOLDIER
	You're using coconuts!

			ARTHUR
	...What?

			SOLDIER
	You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
	them together.

			ARTHUR
		(Scornfully)
	So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
	land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

			SOLDIER
	Where did you get the coconuts?

			ARTHUR
	Through ... We found them.

			SOLDIER
	Found them?  In Mercea.  The coconut's tropical!

			ARTHUR
	What do you mean?

			SOLDIER
	Well, this is a temperate zone.

			ARTHUR
	The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
	or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
	not strangers to our land.

			SOLDIER
	Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

			ARTHUR
	Not at all.  They could be carried.

			SOLDIER
	What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

			ARTHUR
	Why not?

			SOLDIER
	I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
	inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
	to find a coconut under a pound.


			ARTHUR
	It could grip it by the husk ...

			SOLDIER
	It's not a question of where he grips it,  It's a simple
	matter of weight - ratios ...  A five-ounce bird could not
	hold a a one pound coconut.

			ARTHUR
	Well, it doesn't matter.   Go and tell your master that
	Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause.  Swirling mist.  Silence.

			SOLDIER
	Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
	its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
	second.   right?

			ARTHUR
		(irritated)
	Please!

			SOLDIER
	Am I right?

			ARTHUR
	I'm not interested.

			SECOND SOLDIER
		(who has loomed up on the battlements)
	It could be carried by an African swallow!

			FIRST SOLDIER
	Oh  yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
	swallow. that's my point.

			SECOND SOLDIER
	Oh yes, I agree there ...

			ARTHUR
		(losing patience)
	Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
	of Camelot?!

			FIRST SOLDIER
	But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

			SECOND SOLDIER
	Oh yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY.  They turn
and go off into the mist.

			FIRST SOLDIER
	So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

			SECOND SOLDIER

	Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

			FIRST SOLDIER
	No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Stillness.  Silence again.


2  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION

CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints.  Sounds of
strange medieval music.  Discordant and sparse.  Wailings and
groanings.  The last picture mixes through into live action.
BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down.  A leg falls across
it.  Creaking noise.  The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart
that is lumbering away from CAMERA.  It is pulled by a couple of
ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES.  Behind the cart walks another
MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
of complete and utter impoverishment.  He wears a black hood and
looks sinister.

			CART DRIVER
	Bring out your dead!

We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
village.  A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
legs dangling from the ceiling.  In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud.  And a MAN
tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
huge mallets.

			CART DRIVER

	Bring out your dead!

There are legs stick out of windows and doors.  Two MEN are fighting
in the mud - covered from head to foot in it.  Another MAN is on his
hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth.  We just catch
sight of a MAN falling into a well.

			CART DRIVER
	Bring out your dead!

			LARGE MAN
	Here's one!

			CART DRIVER
	Ninepence.

			BODY
	I'm not dead!

			CART DRIVER
	What?

			LARGE MAN
	Nothing... There's your ninepence.

			BODY
	I'm not dead!

			CART DRIVER
	'Ere.  He says he's not dead.

			LARGE MAN
	Yes he is.

			BODY
	I'm not!

			CART DRIVER
	He isn't.

			LARGE MAN
	He will be soon. He's very ill.

			BODY
	I'm getting better!

			LARGE MAN
	You're not.   You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

			CART DRIVER
	I can't take him like this.  It's against regulations.

			BODY
	I don't want to go on the cart.

			LARGE MAN
	Don't be such a baby.

			CART DRIVER
	I can't take him.

			BODY
	I feel fine.

			LARGE MAN
	Do me a favour.

			CART DRIVER
	I can't.

			LARGE MAN
	Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes.  He won't
	be long.

			CART DRIVER
	I promised I'd be at the Robinson's.  They've lost nine
	today.

			LARGE MAN
	When's your next round?

			CART DRIVER
	Thursday.

			BODY
	I think I'll go for a walk.

			LARGE MAN
	You're not fooling anyone you know.
		(to CART DRIVER)
	Isn't there anything you could do?

			BODY
		(singing unrecognisably)
	I feel happy... I feel happy.

The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment.  Then they both
do a quick furtive look up and down the street.  The CART DRIVER
very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

			LARGE MAN
		(handing over the money at last)
	Thanks very much.

			CART DRIVER
	That's all right.  See you on Thursday.

They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
forelocks etc.  ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody.  After
they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

			LARGE MAN
	Who's that then?

			CART DRIVER
		(Grudgingly)
	I dunno, Must be a king.

			LARGE MAN
	Why?

			CART DRIVER
	He hasn't got shit all over him.


3  EXTERIOR - DAY

ARTHUR and PATSY riding.  They stop and look.  We see a castle in the
distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig.  ARTHUR and
PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

			ARTHUR
	Old woman!

			DENNIS
	Man!

			ARTHUR
	Man.  I'm sorry.  Old man, What knight live in that castle
	over there?

			DENNIS
	I'm thirty-seven.

			ARTHUR
	What?

			DENNIS:
	I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

			ARTHUR:
	Well - I can't just say:  "Hey, Man!'

			DENNIS
	Well you could say: "Dennis"

			ARTHUR
	I didn't know you were called Dennis.

			DENNIS
	You didn't bother to find out, did you?

			ARTHUR
	I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
	you looked ...

			DENNIS
	What I object to is that you automatically treat me like
	an inferior ...

			ARTHUR
	Well ... I AM king.

			DENNIS
	Oh, very nice. King, eh!  I expect you've got a palace and fine
	clothes and courtiers and plenty of food.  And how d'you get that?
	By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
	dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our
	society!  If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

An OLD WOMAN appears.

			OLD WOMAN
	Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ...  Oh!
	how d'you do?

			ARTHUR
	How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...
	can you tell me who lives in that castle?

			OLD WOMAN
	King of the WHO?

			ARTHUR
	The Britons.

			OLD WOMAN
	Who are the Britons?

			ARTHUR
	All of us are ... we are all Britons.

DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.

	... and I am your king ....

			OLD WOMAN
	Ooooh!  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were
	an autonomous collective ...

			DENNIS
	You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship,
	A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

			OLD WOMAN
	There you are, bringing class into it again ...

			DENNIS
	That's what it's all about ...  If only -

			ARTHUR
	Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  What knight lives in
	that castle?

			OLD WOMAN
	No one live there.

			ARTHUR
	Well, who is your lord?

			OLD WOMAN
	We don't have a lord.

			ARTHUR
	What?

			DENNIS
	I told you,  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune,  we take
	it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

			ARTHUR
	Yes.

			DENNIS
	... But all the decision of that officer ...

			ARTHUR
	Yes, I see.

			DENNIS
	... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority
	in the case of purely internal affairs.

			ARTHUR
	Be quiet!

			DENNIS
	... but a two-thirds majority ...

			ARTHUR
	Be quiet!  I order you to shut up.

			OLD WOMAN
	Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

			ARTHUR
	I am your king!

			OLD WOMAN
	Well, I didn't vote for you.

			ARTHUR
	You don't vote for kings.

			OLD WOMAN
	Well, how did you become king, then?

			ARTHUR
	The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
	held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
	Divine Providence ...  that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...
	That is why I am your king!

			OLD WOMAN
	  Is Frank in?  He'd be able to deal with this one.

			DENNIS
	Look,  strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
	swords ... that's no basis for a system of government.  Supreme
	executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
	some farcical aquatic ceremony.

			ARTHUR
	Be quiet!

			DENNIS
	You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
	just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

			ARTHUR
	Shut up!

			DENNIS
	I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
	moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
	put me away!

			ARTHUR
		(Grabbing him by the collar)
	Shut up, will you. Shut up!

			DENNIS
	Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

			ARTHUR
	Shut up!

PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

			DENNIS
		(calling)
	Come and see the violence inherent in the system.
	Help, help, I'm being repressed!

			ARTHUR
		(aware that people are now coming out and watching)
	Bloody peasant!
		(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

			DENNIS
	Oh, Did you hear that!  What a give-away.

			ARTHUR
	Come on, patsy.

They ride off.

			DENNIS
		(in the background as we PULL OUT)
	did you see him repressing me, then?  That's what I've
	been on about ...


4  EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest.  They pass rune
stones.  We TRACK with them.  CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.
MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest.  They
come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.

Sound FX of fight.

CUT TO their eyeline.  A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
wooden foot-bridge across a stream.   At the start of the bridge a
tremendous fight is going on.  A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his
face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in
green armour.  (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the
BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY.  They watch, growing more impressed
as they watch the fight.

CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword
out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.

CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty
mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.

ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.

CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close
on the GREEN KNIGHT.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the
fight reaching a climax.  Four almighty clangs.  Then Silence.

CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out.  The BLACK KNIGHT
sheathes his sword.

ARTHUR looks at PATSY.  Nods and they move forward.

CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head
and hurling him into the river.  ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

			ARTHUR
	You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	  Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

			ARTHUR
	  I do not challenge you.

The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

			ARTHUR
	I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is
only slightly thrown.

	... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all
	the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...

The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

			ARTHUR
	You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

Silence.

			ARTHUR
	  A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all
	  my knights ...

			BLACK KNIGHT
	  Never.

			ARTHUR
	You make me sad.  But so be it.  Come Patsy.

As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	None shall pass.

			ARTHUR
	What?

			BLACK KNIGHT
	None shall pass.

			ARTHUR
	I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must
	cross this bridge.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Then you shall die.

			ARTHUR
	I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	I move for no man.

			ARTHUR
	So be it!

ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT.  A furious fight
now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers
a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at
the shoulder.  ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

			ARTHUR
	Now stand aside worthy adversary.

			BLACK KNIGHT
		(Glancing at his shoulder)
	'Tis but a scratch.

			ARTHUR
	A scratch?  Your arm's off.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	No, it isn't.

			ARTHUR
		(Pointing to the arm on ground)
	Well, what's that then?

			BLACK KNIGHT
	I've had worse.

			ARTHUR
	You're a liar.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Come on you pansy!

Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's
other arm off, also at the shoulder.  The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.
			ARTHUR
	Victory is mine.
		(sinking to his knees)
	I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Come on then.

			ARTHUR
	What?

He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet.  ARTHUR gets up still
holding his sword.  The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

			ARTHUR
	You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Had enough?

			ARTHUR
	You stupid bastard.  You havn't got any arms left.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Course I have.

			ARTHUR
	Look!

			BLACK KNIGHT
	What!  Just a flesh wound.
		(kicks ARTHUR)

			ARTHUR
	Stop that.

			BLACK KNIGHT
		(kicking him)
	Had enough ... ?

			ARTHUR
	I'll have your leg.

He is kicked.

	Right!

The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.
The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	I'll do you for that.

			ARTHUR
	You'll what ... ?

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Come Here.

			ARTHUR
	What are you going to do. bleed on me?

			BLACK KNIGHT
	I'm invincible!

			ARTHUR
	You're a looney.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR takes his last leg off.  The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	All right, we'll call it a draw.

			ARTHUR
	Come, Patsy.

ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

			BLACK KNIGHT
	Running away eh?  You yellow bastard, Come back here and take
	what's coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!


5  EXTERIOR - DAY

A village.  Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
cracks.  It comes nearer.  We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
wooden boards.  They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful
YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets.  They drag her to a
strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village.  A
strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.

			FIRST VILLAGER
	We have found a witch.  May we burn her?

			ALL
	A Witch! Burn her!

			BEDEVERE
	How do you know she is a witch?

			ALL
	She looks like one. Yes, she does.

			BEDEVERE
	Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up
as a witch.

			WITCH
	I am not a witch.  I am not a witch.

			BEDEVERE
	But you are dressed as one.

			WITCH
	They dressed me up like this.

			ALL
	We didn't, we didn't!

			WITCH
	This is not my nose,  It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

			BEDEVERE
	Well?

			FIRST VILLAGER
	... Well, we did do the nose.

			BEDEVERE
	The nose?

			FIRST VILLAGER
	And the hat.  But she is a witch.

			ALL
	A witch,  a witch,  burn her!

			BEDEVERE
	Did you dress her up like this?

			FIRST VILLAGER
	... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

			BEDEVERE
	Why do you think she is a witch?

			SECOND VILLAGER
	She turned me into a newt.

			BEDEVERE
	A newt?

			SECOND VILLAGER
		(After looking at himself for some time)
	I got better.

			ALL
	Burn her anyway.

			BEDEVERE
	Quiet! Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

			ALL
	There are?  Tell up.  What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

			BEDEVERE
	Tell me ...  what do you do with witches?

			ALL
	Burn them.

			BEDEVERE
	And what do you burn, apart from witches?

			FOURTH VILLAGER
	... Wood?

			BEDEVERE
	So why do witches burn?

			SECOND VILLAGER
		(pianissimo)
	... Because they're made of wood...?

			BEDEVERE
	Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

			ALL
	I see.  Yes, of course.

			BEDEVERE
	So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

			FIRST VILLAGER
	Make a bridge out of her.

			BEDEVERE
	Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

			ALL
	Ah.  Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

			BEDEVERE
	Does wood sink in water?

			ALL
	No, no,  It floats.   Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her.  To
	the pond.

			BEDEVERE
	Wait.  Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

			ALL
	Bread?  No, no, no.  Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

			ARTHUR
	A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR.  BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

			BEDEVERE
	Exactly.  So... logically ...

			FIRST VILLAGER
		(beginning to pick up the thread)
	If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

			BEDEVERE
	And therefore?

			ALL
	A witch! ... A duck!  A duck!  Fetch a duck.

			FOURTH VILLAGER
	Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

			BEDEVERE
	We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed,  made of
wood and rope and leather.  They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
in another.  Each pan is supported by a wooden stave.  BEDEVERE checks
each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

			BEDEVERE
	Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers.  The GIRL and the duck
swing slightly but balance perfectly.

			ALL
	A witch!  A witch!

			WITCH
	It's a fair cop.

			All
	Burn her!  Burn her!  Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
each other admiringly.

			BEDEVERE
	Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

			ARTHUR
	I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

			BEDEVERE
	My liege ... forgive me ...

ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.


			ARTHUR
	Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
	and join our number at the Round Table?

			BEDEVERE
	My liege,  I am honored.

ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

			ARTHUR
	What is your name?

			BEDEVERE
	Bedevere, my Liege.

			ARTHUR
	Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!


6  VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION

			VOICE OVER
	And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
	the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
	To sit at The Round Table ...

   Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting
   his Knights:

   1.   ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
		MIX TO:

   2.   A castle.  LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
		group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.

   3.   MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
		down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
		and approaching SIR HECTOR.  ARTHUR dubs him.

   4.   MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
		of buildings or whatever.  In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
		the lute by one of his MUSICIANS.  ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
		immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
		join ARTHUR & CO.

   5.   MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens.  He is wearing a carpenters
		apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
		We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
		the hen-house and goes to join them.

   6.   MIX TO the group riding along again.

   7.   MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other
		CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
		castle, WIFE and CHILDREN.  The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
		hanging outside it.  A real family castle.  There are at least
		six kids.

   8.   MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
		GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
		six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.

6  CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:

   THE BOOK OF THE FILM

			VOICE OVER
	The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
	but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	Sir Launcelot the Brave ...

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	Sir Galahad the Pure ...

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...

   Hand turns Page.

			VOICE OVER
	... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
	and the aptly named ...

   Hand turns page.
			VOICE OVER
	Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

   Hand turns page.

			VOICE OVER
	Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
	throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...

   A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.

   Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:


7  EXTERIOR - SUNSET

Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
at the front of the group deep in conversation.

			BEDEVERE
	And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

			ARTHUR
	This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how
	sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

			BEDEVERE
	OF course, my Liege ...

			LAUNCELOT
		(he points)
	Look, my liege!

They all stop and look.

			ARTHUR
		(with thankful reverence)
	Camelot!

CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance.  Illuminated in the rays of
the setting sun.

Music.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group.  They are all staring with fascination.

			GALAHAD
	Camelot ...

			LAUNCELOT
	Camelot ...

			GAWAIN
		(at the back, to PAGE)
	It's only a model.

			ARTHUR
		(turning sharply)
	Sh!
		(to the rest)
	Knights!  I bid you welcome to your new home!  Let us ride ...
	to Camelot.


8  INTERIOR - NIGHT

CUT TO interior of medieval hall.  A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number.  The poorer verses
are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
the described task while the line itself is sung.  They sing:

			KNIGHTS
	We're knights of the round table
	We dance whene'er we're able
	We do routines and chorus scenes
	With footwork impeccable.
	We dine well here in Camelot
	We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

	We're knights of the Round Table
	Our shows are formidable
	But many times
	We're given rhymes
	That are quite unsingable
	We're opera mad in Camelot
	We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

Booming basses.  A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
armour producing a pleasing effect.

	In war we're tough and able.
	Quite indefatigable
	Between our quests
	We sequin vests
	And impersonate Clark Gable
	It's a busy life in Camelot.

			SINGLE MAN
	I have to push the pram a lot.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

			ARTHUR
	No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

			KNIGHTS
	Right!

			ARTHUR
	It is a silly place.

They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance
and strange heavenly choir music.  The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts.  ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
fall on their knees.  A holy voice booms out.

			GOD
	Arthur!  Arthur ...  King of the Britons ...

They all prostrate themselves even further

	Oh, don't grovel ... do get up!  If there's one thing I can't stand,
	it's people grovelling!!

ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

			ARTHUR
	Sorry ...

			GOD
	And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
	sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
	What are you doing now?

			ARTHUR
	I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

			GOD
	Well, don't.
	  I really don't know where all this got started.
	It's like those miserable psalms.  they're so depressing.
	Now knock it of

			ARTHUR
	Yes, Lord.

			GOD
	Right.  Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
	Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

			ARTHUR
	Good idea, O Lord!

			GOD
	Course it's a good idea.

Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.

	Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
	  the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
... the KNIGHTS gasp.

	Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
	this Grail.

It begins to fade.  Music crescendo as both lights fade.

	That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...

It is gone.  All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment.  They
all turn and look at ARTHUR.

			LAUNCELOT
	A Blessing.  A blessing from the lord.

			BEDEVERE
	  Praise be to God!

  An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.

			ARTHUR
	  We have a task,  we must waste no time! To Camelot!

			GALAHAD
	  God be praised!

Stirring music crescendo.  They ride off.

CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
titles CUT TO:


9  EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach
a terrific castle (a little one would do too).  They advance quite close to
the castle and draw themselves into a line.  At a signal from ARTHUR the two
PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

A MAN appears on the battlements.  ARTHUR addresses him.

			ARTHUR
	Hello.

			MAN
	'Allo.  Whoo is eet?

			ARTHUR
	I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
	Table.  Whose castle is this?

			MAN
	This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

			ARTHUR
	Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
	with a sacred quest,  and if he will give us food and shelter for
	this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

			MAN
	Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
	He's already got one, you see?

			ARTHUR
	What?

			GALAHAD
	He says they've already got one!

They are stunned.

			ARTHUR
	Are you sure he's got one?

			MAN
	Oh yes.  It's very nice

  CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

			MAN
	  I told him we already got one.

  They all giggle.


			ARTHUR
	Well ... can we come up and have a look?

			MAN
	Of course not!  You are English pigs.

			ARTHUR
	Well, what are you then?

			MAN
	I'm French.  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
	silly king.

			GALAHAD
	What are you doing in England?

			MAN
	Mind your own business.

			ARTHUR
	If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

			MAN
	You don't frighten us, English pig-dog!  Go and boil your
	bottoms, son of a silly person.  I blow my nose on you, so-called
	Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

			GALAHAD
	What a strange person.

			ARTHUR
	Now look here, my good man!

			MAN
	I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
	food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction.  You mother
	was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

			GALAHAD
	Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

			MAN
	No.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

			ARTHUR
	Now this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonab...

			MAN
	  Fetchez la vache!

			GUARD
	  Quoi?

			MAN
	  Fetchez la vache!

CUT BACK TO battlements.  A cow is led out of a stall.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

			ARTHUR
	Now that is my final offer.  If you are not prepared to agree to my
	demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

A cow comes flying over the battlements,  lowing aggressively.  The cow
lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

			ROBIN
	  What a cruel thing to do.

			BEDEVERE
		  (Choking back tears)
	  It hadn't even been milked.

			ARTHUR
	Right! Knights! Forward!

ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle.  Various shots of them battling on,
despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

			ARTHUR
		(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
	Knights!  Run away!

Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd
cow or goose hitting them still.  The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

			LAUNCELOT
	The sods!  I'll tear them apart.

			ARTHUR
		(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
	No!

			BEDEVERE
	I have a plan sir.

CUT BACK TO battlements of castle.  FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
towards the English lines.  Wind whistles.

Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
Emptiness.  Wind.  More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
  As night falls.  MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
  torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
  woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous.  Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
Nothing.  Wind.  Dawn still breaking.  Shots of the FRENCH.  They suddenly
hear something.  A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland.  Squeaking getting louder.  Shot of
the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing.  WIDE SHOT again.  The squeaking gets louder
an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle.  The ENGLISH scuttle
back into the undergrowth.  The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
and a rather crudely written label,  which reads "Pour votres amis
Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes.  Then he
turns and leaves battlements.

CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes.  The main gate of the
castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out,  then another
Froggie head,  then another.  They mutter to each other in French,  look
rather pleased,  then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

			ARTHUR
	Now what happens?

			BEDEVERE
	Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
	and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
	not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

			ARTHUR
	Who ... Who breaks out?

			BEDEVERE
	Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ...  leap out of the
	rabbit and ...

LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

			BEDEVERE
	Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

ARTHUR cuffs him.  ARTHUR looks at the battlements.  There is a loud twang.
Look of horror.  The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.


			ARTHUR
	Run away!

More shouts.

	Run away!

			SIR GAWAIN
		  (to his PAGE as they run away)
	  It's only a model.

			ARTHUR
	  Sh!

They continue to retreat.  The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
(who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).


10  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

 CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle.  He speaks straight
 to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

 SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:  A Very Famous Historian.

			HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
	Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
	King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
	completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
	was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
	to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
	knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
	individually.  Now, this is what they did.  No sooner...

 A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground.  He rides off.

 We stay for a moment on the glade.  A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
 twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
 HUSBAND.

			MRS HISTORIAN
	FRANK!

 CUT TO animated frame,  with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
 Pleasant pastoral music.  MIX THROUGH TO:
   VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"


11  EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

 A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
 his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts.  As we see them approach
 we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
 the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
 thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
 one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

 The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song,
 but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
 to have their effect ...

 SONG:

	Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
	He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
	He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
	Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

	He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
	Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
	To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
	And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

	His head smashed in,  and his heart cut out,
	And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
	And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
	And his penis split ... and his ...

			ROBIN
	Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
	It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

			SINGERS
	Brave, Sir Rob ...

			ROBIN
	Shut up.

They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

	------------------------------------------------------
	 CAMELOT 43						CERTAIN DEATH I
	 CAMELOT 43						CERTAIN DEATH I
	 CAMELOT 43						CERTAIN DEATH I
	------------------------------------------------------
 ------------------------------------------------------------
   BEWARE			GO BACK		DEAD PEOPLE ONLY
   BEWARE			GO BACK		DEAD PEOPLE ONLY
   BEWARE			GO BACK		DEAD PEOPLE ONLY
 ------------------------------------------------------------


12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree.  With their feet off the
ground,  with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
like a barbecue.

Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe
through their skulls.  They look timorous.

  Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it.  They all
  look fed up.  SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.

			ROBIN
	  Morning.

			ONE LADY
	  Bye.

SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

			THREE HEADS
	Halt!  Who art thou?

			SINGERS
	He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

			ROBIN
		(to SINGERS)
	Shut up.  Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

			THREE HEADS
	What do you want?

			SINGERS
	To fight and ...

			ROBIN
	Shut up.  Nothing really.  just to pass through, good Sir knight.

			THREE HEADS
	I'm afraid not.
	  This is my bit of the forest.  Find your own bit.

			ROBIN
	I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
	  I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

			THREE HEADS
	You are a Knight of the Round Table?

			ROBIN
	I am.

From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

			SECOND HEAD
	Shit.

			FIRST HEAD
	In that case I shall have to kill you.

			SECOND HEAD
	Shall I?

			THIRD HEAD
	Oh, I don't think so.

			SECOND HEAD
	I'm not sure.

			MIDDLE HEAD
		(to FIRST)
	What do I think?

			LEFT HEAD
	I think kill him.

			SECOND HEAD
	  I'm still not sure.

			THIRD HEAD
	  All right.  How many of me think I should kill him?

			FIRST HEAD
	  I do.

			THIRD HEAD
	  One.

			SECOND HEAD
	  That's not a quorum.

			FIRST HEAD
	  It is if I'm the Chairman.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oo, it's not.

			SECOND HEAD
	  I'm the Chairman this week.

			FIRST HEAD
	  You're not.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.

			THIRD HEAD
	  To kill him.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Yeah.

			THIRD HEAD
		  (tuts)
	  Oh, damn.

			FIRST HEAD
		 (to SIR ROBIN)
	  Knight, I have decided to kill you.

			THIRD HEAD
	  With one absenting.

			FIRST HEAD
	  Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.

			THIRD HEAD
		  (to SIR ROBIN)
	  Sorry about this but I have to be fair.

			ROBIN
	  Oh, that's all right.  So you are going to kill me with your big axe.

			FIRST HEAD
	  Er no, with my sword.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Dagger.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Mace is quicker.

			FIRST HEAD
	  No, no, the sword, it's easier.

			THIRD HEAD
	  He said axe.

			ROBIN
	  Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.

			THIRD HEAD
		  (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
	  For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.

			FIRST HEAD
	  What do you mean?

			THIRD HEAD
	  Yapping on all the time.

			SECOND HEAD
	  You're lucky, you're not next to him.

			THIRD HEAD
	  What do you mean?

			SECOND HEAD
	  You snore.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oo, lies.  Anyway, you've got bad breath.

			SECOND HEAD
		  (aspirating heavily)
	  I haven't.

  Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.

			SECOND HEAD
	  It's not my fault.  It's what you both eat.

			FIRST HEAD
	  Look, stop this bitching.  We've got a knight to kill.

			SECOND HEAD
	  He's buggered off.

			THIRD HEAD
	  So he has.  He's scarpered.

			FIRST HEAD
	  That's all your fault.

			THIRD HEAD
	  No, it's not.

			FIRST HEAD
		  (swipes at himself)
	  Take that.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Ow.

			FIRST HEAD
	  I'm sorry.

			THIRD HEAD
	  'Ere, stop it.  I'll teach you.

  The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
  argue and shout with pain.  We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
  tree.  They are still very fed up.

			MAIDEN
	  I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.

			LOVELY
	  Chance would be a fine thing.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oh! let's be nice to him.

			FIRST HEAD
	  Oh shut up.

			ROBIN
	  Perhaps I could ...

			FIRST HEAD
	  Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oh, cut your own head off.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Yes - do us all a favour.

			FIRST HEAD
	  What?

			THIRD HEAD
	  Yapping on all the time.

			SECOND HEAD
	  You're lucky, you're not next to him.

			THIRD HEAD
	  What do you mean?

			SECOND HEAD
	  You snore.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.

			FIRST HEAD
	  All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
	  and biscuits.

			SECOND HEAD
	  Yes.

			THIRD HEAD
	  Oh! not biscuits ...

			FIRST HEAD
	  All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...

  WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.

			SECOND HEAD
	  He's buggered off!

			THIRD HEAD
	  So he has! He's scarpered.


13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN.  The music is jolly and bright, as if
triumphant.  ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

			SINGERS
	Brave Sir Robin ran away.

			ROBIN
	I didn't.

			SINGERS
	Bravely ran away, away.

			ROBIN
	No, no, no.

			SINGERS
	When danger reared its ugly head,
	He bravely turned his tail and fled
	Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
	And gallantly he chickened out
	Bravely taking to his feet
	He beat a very brave retreat
	Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
	Petrified of being dead
	Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
	Turned away and fled.

They disappear into distance.

ANIMATION:  "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"


14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
over slippery rocks.  Progress is hard.  He pauses and at this moment
we hear the howling of wolves.  GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
more urgently.  Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
and falls heavily.  Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain.  More louder
closer howling.  He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
perhaps looking rather derelict.  He makes up his mind in an instant and
stumbles manfully toward it.  More louder howling.  He reaches the
forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while.  Pause.
He beats again, shouting:

			GALAHAD
	Open.  Open the doors.  In the name of King Arthur.  Open the doors.
	  I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.

  Some suitable noises are herd inside.

	  I am on a quest for the Holy Grail.  I seek shelter.

Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
drawn.  The wolves' howling is very close.  As the door creaks
open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.

15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
as the door crashes behind him.  GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
fact he is trapped.

			ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
	Hello!

GALAHAD turns back.  We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
around in the seductively poulticed room.  They look at him smilingly and
wave.

			GIRLIES
	Hello!

			ZOOT
	Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

			GALAHAD
	The Castle Anthrax?

			ZOOT
	Yes.  It's not a very good name, is it?  But we are
	nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

			GALAHAD
	Er ...
	  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

			ZOOT
	The what?  But you are tired and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
	Crapper!

			MIDGET AND CRAPPER
	Yes, O Zoot?

			ZOOT
	Prepare a bed for our guest.

			MIDGET AND CRAPPER
		(grovelling with delight)
	Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

			ZOOT
	Away varletesses!
		(to GALAHAD)
	The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

			GALAHAD
	Well, look er, I ...

			ZOOT
	What is your name, handsome knight?

			GALAHAD
	Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

			ZOOT
	Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
		(she is very close to him for a moment)
	But come.

She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
to the bedchamber

			GALAHAD
	Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

			ZOOT
	Sir Galahad!!

There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

			ZOOT
	You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS.  They are clearly on the verge of
being offended.

			GALAHAD
	Well ...

			ZOOT
		(she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
	I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
	to yours.  We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
	sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
	one to protect us.  Oooh.  It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
	dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
ZOOT turns

			ZOOT
	We are just not used to handsome knights ...
		(she notices him limping)
	But you are wounded!

			GALAHAD
	No, It's nothing!

			ZOOT
	You must see the doctors immediately.
		 (she claps again)
	You must lie down.

She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
room.  They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically.  They
approach GALAHAD.

			PIGLET
	Well,  what seems to be the trouble?

			GALAHAD
	They're doctors?

			ZOOT
	They have a basic medical training, yes.  Now you must try to rest.
	Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet!  Practice your art!!

			WINSTON
	Try to relax.

			GALAHAD
	No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

			PIGLET
	We must examine you.

			GALAHAD
	There's nothing wrong with ... that.

			PIGLET
		(slightly irritated)
	Please ... we are doctors.

ZOOT reappears.  GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax.  Then there is
a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour.  WINSTON glances quickly
in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
bed and collecting his armour, saying:

			GALAHAD
	No, no, this cannot be.   I am sworn to chastity!

			PIGLET
	Back to your bed!  At once!

			GALAHAD
	I'm sorry, I must go.

GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room
we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful.  They smile
enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.  He nods to them stiffly once
or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:

			GALAHAD
	  Good evening ... Ah, Zoot!  Er ...

			DINGO
	  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

			GALAHAD
	  Oh.  Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.

			DINGO
		  (very dramatically)
	  No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot.

			GALAHAD
	  Er, why?

			DINGO
	  She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
	  stay for ever!

			GALAHAD
	  Oh!

			GALAHAD
	  Oh ... will you excuse me?

			DINGO
	  Where are you going?

			GALAHAD
	  I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!

			DINGO
	  No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot!

			GALAHAD
	  What is it?

			DINGO
	  Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting fire to our beacon,
	  which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ...  It is not the
	  first time we've had this problem.

			GALAHAD
	  It's not the real Grail?

			DINGO
	Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
	penalty.  And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
	... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.  Come!

			GIRLS
	A spanking!  A spanking!

			DINGO
	You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
	may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

			AMAZING
	And spank me!

			STUNNER
	And me.

			LOVELY
	And me.

			DINGO
	Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

			GIRLS
	A spanking.  A spanking.  There is going to be a spanking tonight.

			DINGO
	And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

			GALAHAD
	Oh, dear! Well, I...

			GIRLS
	The oral sex ...  The oral sex.

			GALAHAD
	Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

			LAUNCELOT
	Sir Galahad!

			GALAHAD
	Oh ... hello ...

			LAUNCELOT
	Quick!

			GALAHAD
	Why?

			LAUNCELOT
	You are in great peril.

			DINGO
	No he isn't

			LAUNCELOT
	Silence! Foul temptress!

			GALAHAD
	Well, she's got a point.

			LAUNCELOT
	We'll cover your escape!

			GALAHAD
	Look - I'm fine!

			GIRLS
	Sir Galahad!

He threatens DINGO.

			GALAHAD
	No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

			GIRLS
	Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

			LAUNCELOT
	Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

			GALAHAD
	No, really, I can cope.  I can handle this lot easily!

			DINGO
	Yes, let him handle us easily.

			LAUNCELOT
	No sir.  Quick!


He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

			GALAHAD
	No, please.  Please! I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred.

			GIRLS
	He will beat us easily.  We haven't a chance.

			DINGO
	Oh shit!

By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
area and are running through the outside door.

			LAUNCELOT
	We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.

			GALAHAD
		(dragging his feet somewhat)
	I don't think I was.

			LAUNCELOT
	You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

			GALAHAD
	Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

			LAUNCELOT
	It's too perilous.

They are right outside the castle by now.

			GALAHAD
	Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

			LAUNCELOT
	No, no, we must find the Grail.

The thunderstorm is over.  A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with
more MEN waiting.  Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away
with their coconuts.  GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

			GALAHAD
	Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

			LAUNCELOT
	No.  It's unhealthy.

			GALAHAD
	... I Bet you're gay.

			LAUNCELOT
	No, I'm not.

GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT.  VOICE comes in as
they ride off.

			VOICE OVER
	Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
	temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
	of their search for the Holy Grail.  Only Bedevere and
	King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
	any progress.


16  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION

 ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind
 SOOTHSAYER.  He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.

			ARTHUR
	And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak,  he has seen the grail?

The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of
this encounter.

			ARTHUR
	Where does he live?
		(he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)
	Old man ... where does he live ...

			SOOTHSAYER
	He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

			ARTHUR
	And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

			SOOTHSAYER
	There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
	of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

			ARTHUR
	But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

			SOOTHSAYER
	Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

			ARTHUR
	The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly.  They look down and he is
gone.  They stand up.  Suddenly behind them is a noise.  They turn sharply
in the door of the little hut is a cat.  It miaows and is gone.  They
slowly back out of the hut.  As they touch the doorposts they just flake
away into dust.  The whole hut is rotten.  It collapses

Spooky music.  They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of
people moving in the forest around them.  They start to back cautiously
away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them.  They
turn in fear and:

Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

			TALL KNIGHT OF NI
	Ni!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear.  PATSY rears up with coconuts.

			ARTHUR
		(to PATSY)
	Easy ... boy, easy ...

ARTHUR peers into the darkness.

	Who are you?

			SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS
	NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!

An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his
shoulders) walks out from the dark trees.  He is extremely fierce and
gruesome countenance.  He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are
wazzing like mad.  (Salopian slang, meaning very scared.  almost to the
point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
prior to a postering.  Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
praeposters.  Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

			ARTHUR
		(wazzed stiff)
	Who are you?
			TALL KNIGHT
	We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

			BEDEVERE
	No!  Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

			TALL KNIGHT
	The same!

			ARTHUR
	Who are they?

			TALL KNIGHT
	We are the keepers of the sacred words.  NI ... Peng ... and Neee
	... Wom!

			BEDEVERE
	Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

			TALL KNIGHT
	The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

			ARTHUR
		(to the TALL KNIGHT)
	Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers.  We seek the
	Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

			TALL KNIGHT
	NI!

			ARTHUR
		(recoiling)
	Oh!

			TALL KNIGHT
	NI!   NI!

			ARTHUR
		(he cowers in fear)
	Oh!

			TALL KNIGHT
	We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

			ARTHUR
	All right!  What do you want?

			TALL KNIGHT
	We want ... a shrubbery!

			ARTHUR
	A what?

			TALL KNIGHT
	Ni!  Ni!  Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

			ARTHUR
	All right!  All right! ... No more, please.  We will find you
	a shrubbery ...

			TALL KNIGHT
	You must return here with a shrubbery or else ...  you shall
	not pass through this wood alive!

			ARTHUR
	Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni!  You are fair and just.  We will
	return with a shrubbery.

			TALL KNIGHT
	One that looks nice.

			ARTHUR
	Of course.

			TALL KNIGHT
	And not too expensive.

			ARTHUR
	Yes ...

			TALL KNIGHT
	Now - go!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	Ni!  Ni!

Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.


17 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade.  His WIFE, who has been
kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade.
They bend over her HUSBAND.  One takes out a notebook.

CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"


18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY

A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle
window.  His FATHER stands beside him.  He is also looking out.  The
PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

			FATHER
	One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

			PRINCE
	What - the curtains?

			FATHER
	No!  Not the curtains, lad ...  All that ...
		(indicates the vista from the window)
	all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and
	valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...
	that'll be your kingdom, lad.

			PRINCE
	But, Mother ...

			FATHER
	Father, lad.

			PRINCE
	But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

			FATHER
	Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing.  All I had when
	I started was swamp ...  other kings said I was daft to build a
	castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em.
	It sank into the swamp.  So I built a another one ... that sank
	into the swamp.  I built another one ...  That fell over and THEN
	sank into the swamp ....  So I built another ... and that stayed up.
	... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in
	this island.

			PRINCE
	But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

			FATHER
	Rather what?

			PRINCE
	I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

MUSIC INTRO

			FATHER
	You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

Music stops.

	Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to
	a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

			PRINCE
	I don't want land.

			FATHER
	Listen, Alice ...

			PRINCE
	Herbert.

			FATHER
	Herbert ...  We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all
	the land we can get.

			PRINCE
	But I don't like her.

			FATHER
	Don't like her?   What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful ...
	she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

			PRINCE
	I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to  have ...
	a certain ... special ... something ...

MUSIC INTO FOR song.

			FATHER
	Cut that out!

Music cuts off abruptly.

	You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
	Guards!

TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door
One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout.

			FATHER
	Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until
	I come and get him.

			FIRST GUARD
	Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

			FATHER
	No.  Until I come and get him.

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FIRST GUARD
	Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

			FATHER
	No ...  You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

			FIRST GUARD
	... and you'll come and get him.

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FATHER
	That's Right.

			FIRST GUARD
	We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
	entering the room.

			FATHER
	Leaving the room.

			FIRST GUARD
	Leaving the room ... yes.

			FATHER
	Got it?

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

FARTHER makes to leave.

			FIRST GUARD
	Er ... if ... we ... er ...

			FATHER
	Yes?

			FIRST GUARD
	If we ... er ...
		(trying to remember what he was going to say)

			FATHER
	Look, it's  simple.  Just stay here and make sure he doesn't
	leave the room.

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FATHER
	Right?

			FIRST GUARD
	Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

			FATHER
		(carefully)
	No ....  keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

			FIRST GUARD
	Oh, yes!  we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
	to leave and we were with him.

			FATHER
	No ... just keep him in here.

			FIRST GUARD
	Until you, or anyone else ...

			FATHER
	No, not anyone else - just me.

			FIRST GUARD
	Just you ...

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FIRST GUARD
	Get back.

			FATHER
	Right.

			FIRST GUARD
	Okay.  Fine.  We'll remain here until you get back.

			FATHER
	And make sure he doesn't leave.

			FIRST GUARD
	What?

			FATHER
	Make sure he doesn't leave.

			FIRST GUARD
	The Prince ... ?

			FATHER
	Yes ...  make sure ...

			FIRST GUARD
	Oh yes, of course!  I thought you meant him!
		(he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)
	You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when
	he's a guard ...

			FATHER
	Is that clear?

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FIRST GUARD
   Oh, yes.  That's quite clear.  No problems.

FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room.  The GUARDS follow.

			FATHER
		(to the GUARDS)
	Where are you going?

			FIRST GUARD
	We're coming with you.

			FATHER
	No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave
	the room until I get back.

			FIRST GUARD
	Oh, I see,  Right.

They take up positions on either side of the door.

			PRINCE
	But, Father.

			FATHER
	Shut your noise, you,  and get that suit on!

 He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair.  FATHER throws one last
 look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.

 The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window.
 MUSIC INTRO to song ...

 The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in.

			FATHER
	 And no singing!

			SECOND GUARD
	Hic.

			FATHER
		(as he goes out.)
	Go and have a drink of water.

FATHER slams the door again.  The GUARDS take up their positions.  The SON
gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes him
... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales
it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow
out of the window.

He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly.


15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY

CUT TO the middle of the forest.  SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with
a trusty servant, CONCORDE.

			LAUNCELOT
	And ... o v e r ...  we go!

He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ...

			LAUNCELOT
		(enthusiastically)
	Well taken, Concorde!

			CONCORDE
	Thank you, sir, most kind ...

			LAUNCELOT
	And another!

CONCORDE misses a beat.

	Steady!  Good ... and the last one ...

CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts.  He does the break for the
leap ... there is a thwack.  SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse
  to land.

			CONCORDE
	Message for you, sir.

He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

			LAUNCELOT
	Concorde - speak to me.

He realises he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ...
when he notices the note.  He takes it out and reads it.

			LAUNCELOT
		(reading)
	"To whoever finds this note -
	I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry
	against my will.  Please please please please come and rescue me.
	I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."

SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration.

			LAUNCELOT
	At last!   A call!  A cry of distress ...
		(he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE)
   Concorde!  Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

			CONCORDE
	I'm not quite dead, sir ...

			LAUNCELOT
		(a little deflated)
	Oh, well ... er brave Concorde!  You shall not have been fatally
	wounded in vain!

			CONCORDE
	I think I could pull through, sir.

			LAUNCELOT
	Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.

He makes to leap off dramatically.

			CONCORDE
	I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

			LAUNCELOT
	I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished
	this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

			CONCORDE
	Really, I feel fine, sir.

			LAUNCELOT
	Farewell, Concorde!

			CONCORDE
	It just seems silly ... me lying here.

SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest.

20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY

Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram:
"H & L".

TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on their
right spears.  We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music.

We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps.  The TWO SENTRIES are watching him.  One of
them raises his hand.

			FIRST SENTRY
	  Halt, friend ...

LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and
hacks him to the floor.  Blood.  Swashbuckling music (perhaps).
LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming.

			SECOND SENTRY
	Hey!

He looks down at his mutilated comrade.


21 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard.

in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving.
Converging on a doorway.  A country dance in progress.

SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them.

CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking
right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way.

He fights his way through the country dance.  Blood.  Shrieks.  Bemused
looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise.

Possibly Errol Flynn music.

One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand.

Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his
way through the door and into the main hall.


22 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO interior of main hall.  Sound of busy preparations.  MEN setting
up huge hogsheads of wine.  MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements.
COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's
head, etc.

The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS.  FATHER ordering SERVANTS
around - organizing the STEWARDS etc.

SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically,
hacking, wounding and killing.  Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS.
We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc.

SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and
into a small door.


23 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase.  He reaches the door
of the PRINCE's room.  he flings it open.

			FIRST GUARD
	Ah!  Now ... we're not allowed to ...

SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through,  grabs his spear and stabs the other
guard who collapses in a heap.  Hiccoughs quietly.

SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE,
averting his head.

			LAUNCELOT
	Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot,
	from the Court of Camelot.  I have come to take you ...
		(he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away)
	 away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

			PRINCE
	You got my note!

			LAUNCELOT
	Well ... yes ...

			PRINCE
	You've come to rescue me?

			LAUNCELOT
	Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ...

			PRINCE
		(his eyes light up)
	I knew that someone would come.  I knew ... somewhere out there ...
	there must be ...

MUSIC INTRO to song.

			FATHER
		(suddenly looking in the door)
	Stop that!

Music cuts out.

FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

			FATHER
	Who are you?

			PRINCE
	I'm ... your son ...

			FATHER
	Not you.

			LAUNCELOT
		(half standing self-consciously)
	I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

			PRINCE
	He's come to rescue me, father.

			LAUNCELOT
		(embarrassed)
	Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

			FATHER
	Did you kill all those guards?

			LAUNCELOT
	Yes ...  I'm very sorry ...

			FATHER
	They cost fifty pounds each!

			LAUNCELOT
	Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ...
	I can explain everything ...

			PRINCE
	Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot.  I've got a rope here all
	ready ...

 He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room
 He  looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready.

			FATHER
	You killed eight wedding guests in all!

			LAUNCELOT
	Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

			FATHER
	I can understand that.

			PRINCE
		(half out of the window)
	Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

			FATHER
		(to his SON)
	Shut up!
		(to LAUNCELOT)
	You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

			LAUNCELOT
	Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

			FATHER
	Didn't mean to?  You put your sword right through his head!

			LAUNCELOT
	Gosh - Is he all right?

			FATHER
	You even kicked the bride in the chest!  It's going to cost
	me a fortune!

			LAUNCELOT
	I can explain ...  I was in the forest ... riding north
	from Camelot ... when I got this note.

			FATHER
	Camelot?  Are you from Camelot?

The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill.

			PRINCE
	Hurry!

			LAUNCELOT
	I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

			FATHER
	'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

			LAUNCELOT
	Is it?

			PRINCE (out of vision)
	I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

			FATHER
	Do you want to come and have a drink?

			LAUNCELOT
	Oh ... that's awfully nice.

			PRINCE (OOV)
		(loud and shrill)
	I am ready!

As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife.
there is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away
as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

			LAUNCELOT
	It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited
	and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

			FATHER
	Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own
	that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door.


24 INTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO the great hall.  GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead
and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is
holding her chest and coughing blood.
People dabbing the stains off her dress.

FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase.  Talking
to each other.

One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT.

			GUEST
	There he is!

As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the staircase,
muttering angrily.  SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword.

			FATHER
	Hold it!

But it is too lake.  SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped.  With fearless abandon
he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing.  He has
carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop him and pulls him back
onto the stairs.  Renewed groans and cries.


			FATHER
		(shouting above noise)
	Hold it!  Please!
			LAUNCELOT
	Sorry!  Sorry ...
		(with bitter self reproach)
	There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away ...
	I'm ever so sorry.
		(to the CROWD)
	Sorry.

CROWD kneeling round their wounded again.  Moans etc.

			GUEST
	He's killed the best man!

			SECOND GUEST
		(holding a limp WOMAN)
	He's killed my auntie.

			FATHER
	No, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
	Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ...  We
	are here today to witness the union of two young people in
	the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.  Unfortunately, one
	of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

Murmurs from CROWD;  the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.

	But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ...
	so much as gained a daughter ...

Smattering of applause.

	For, since the tragic death of her father ...

			SHOUT FROM BACK
	He's not quite dead!

			FATHER
	Since the fatal wounding of her father ...

			SHOUT FROM BACK
	I think He's getting better!

FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side.  The SOLDIER
slips off.  FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice
came from.

			FATHER
	For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to
	recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him.

A scuffle at the back.

			SHOUT FROM BACK
	Oh, he's died!

			FATHER
	I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her
	old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense.

Applause.

	And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union
	between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot
	of Camelot ...

			LAUNCELOT
	What?

Gasp from the CROWD.

			CROWD
	The dead Prince!

There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms.

			CONCORDE
	He's not quite dead!

			PRINCE
	I feel much better.

			FATHER
	You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

			PRINCE
	I was saved at the last minute.

			FATHER
	How?

			PRINCE
	Well ... I'll tell you ...

MUSIC INTRO to song.  CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod
"and now a number from my friend" pose.

			FATHER
	Not like that!

But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing.

			CROWD
	He's going to tell.

			FATHER
	Shut up!

			CROWD
	He's going to tell ...

			FATHER
		(screaming)
	Shut UP!

 As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives
 up.  SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD.

			LAUNCELOT
	  We must escape.  Quickly before the song.

			CONCORDE
	  Come with me, sir.

			LAUNCELOT
	  You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.


			CONCORDE
	  Quickly, sir, come this way!

			LAUNCELOT
	  No!  It's not right for my idiom.  I must escape more  ... more ...

			CONCORDE
	  Dramatically, sir?

			LAUNCELOT
	  Dramatically.

			CROWD
	He's going to tell
	He's going to tell
	He's going to tell about his great escape.
	Oh he fell a long long way
	But he's here with us today
	What a wonderful ... escape.

CONCORDE goes.  SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope
of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a
swashbuckling manner towards a large window.  He stops just short
of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.

			LAUNCELOT
	  Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...


25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK

Toothless old CRONE by the roadside.  ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.

			ARTHUR
	 Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?

The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.

			CRONE
	Who sent you?

			ARTHUR
	The Knights Who Say Ni!

			CRONE
	Aaaagh!
		(she looks around in rear)
	No!  We have no shrubberies here.

			BEDEVERE
	Surely, there must be.

  ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.

			ARTHUR
		  (aside)
	  It will be not good to argue.  These simple people are terrified
	  of the Knights Who Say Ni!

			CRONE
		  (she cowers)
	  Ohhh!

  ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.

			ARTHUR
	  There is only one way to get the information we want ...

			BEDEVERE
	  Send her a letter from a long way away?

			ARTHUR
	  Er, no ... no, we must ...

			BEDEVERE
	  Talk to her in funny voices?

			ARTHUR
		  (slightly crossly)
	  No ...

			BEDEVERE
	  How about trying ourselves to a tree?

			ARTHUR
		  (grittily)
	  No.  Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of
	  the awful Knights Who Say Ni!

			BEDEVERE
		  (sagely)
	  Ah!  Hit ourselves with a big rock ...

  He nods knowingly.

			ARTHUR
		  (tolerantly but firmly)
	  No.  Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as
	  what we can do to her ...

			BEDEVERE
	  Ah!

			ARTHUR
	  We must threaten to say "Ni"!

			BEDEVERE
		  (terror)
	  Oh, no.

  They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.

			ARTHUR
	Listen, old crone!  Unless you tell us where we can buy a
	shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"

			CRONE
	Do your worst!
	  I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night.  I have herd the
	  hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still
	  I have not revealed ...

			ARTHUR
	Very well, old crone.  Since you will not assist us voluntarily
	... "Ni"!

			CRONE
	No.  Never.  No shrubberies.

			ARTHUR
	Ni!

			BEDEVERE
	Nu!

			ARTHUR
	No.  Ni!  More like this. "Ni"!

			BEDEVERE
	Ni, ni, ni!

			ARTHUR
	  It's not working.
	You're not doing it properly.  Ni!

			BEDEVERE
	Ni!

			ARTHUR
	That's it.  Ni!  Ni!

A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.

			ROGER
	Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?

			ARTHUR
	Erm, yes.

			ROGER
	Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni"
	at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land!
	nothing is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design
	shrubberies are under considerable economic stress
	at this point in time.

			ARTHUR
	Did you say shrubberies?

			ROGER
	Yes.  Shrubberies are my trade.  I am a shrubber.  My name
	is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

			BEDEVERE
		(rather aggressively, to ROGER)
	Ni!

			ARTHUR
	No.  No.  No!


26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK

CUT TO the glade in the forest again.

			ARTHUR
	 Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery.  May we go now?

			TALL KNIGHT
	That is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly -
	But there is one small problem.

			ARTHUR
	What is that?

			TALL KNIGHT
	We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

			ONE KNIGHT
	Ni!

			OTHERS
	Sh!

			ONE KNIGHT
		(wispers)
	Sorry.

			TALL KNIGHT
	We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

			OTHERS
	Ni!

			OTHERS
	Ni!

			ONE KNIGHT
	Peng!

			OTHERS
	Ni!

			OTHERS
	Sh!  Sh!

			TALL KNIGHT
	Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
	previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

			ONE KNIGHT
	Ni!

			ANOTHER
	Peng!

			ANOTHER
	Sh!

			TALL KNIGHT
	Shut up!
		(to ARTHUR)
	Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
	say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

			OTHERS
	  (terrific chorus)
	Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

			ARTHUR
	What is this test, Knights of N...
		(can't say it)
	... Recently Knights of Ni!

			KNIGHT
	Ni!

			TALL KNIGHT
	Firstly.  You must get us another shrubbery!

			OTHER KNIGHTS
		(half seen)
	More shrubberies!  More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

			ARTHUR
	Not another shrubbery -

			TALL KNIGHT
	When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
	beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a
	two-level effect with a path through the middle.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	A path!  A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

Chorus of "Ni!  Ni!"

			TALL KNIGHT
	When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut
	down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	Yes!  With a herring!  With a herring!  Cut down with a herring!

			ARTHUR
	We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

			TALL KNIGHT
	Oh, please!

			ARTHUR
	Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done!

			OTHER KNIGHTS
		(they all recoil in horror)
	Oh!

			TALL KNIGHT
	Don't say that word.

			ARTHUR
	What word?

			TALL KNIGHT
	I cannot tell you.  Suffice to say is one of the words
	the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

			ARTHUR
	How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

			TALL KNIGHT
		(cringing in fear)
	You said it again!

			ARTHUR
	What, "is"?

			TALL KNIGHT
		(dismissively)
	No, no ... not "is"!

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	Not "is"!  Not "is"!

Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

			SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
	Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
	To have his eyeballs skewered ...

			TALL KNIGHT
		(irritated)
	"Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

			BEDEVERE
	My liege, it's Sir Robin!

			TALL KNIGHT
		(covering his ears)
	You've said the word again!

SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing.  The SINGERS are going on
cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually
embarrassed at their presence.

			SINGERS
	... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...

ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

			ARTHUR
	Sir Robin!

He shakes his hand warmly.

			ROBIN
 My liege!  It's good to have found you again ...

			TALL KNIGHT
 Now he's said the word!

			ARTHUR
 Where are you going good Sir Robin?

			ROBIN'S SINGERS
		(starting up again)
	He was going home ... he was giving up,
	He was throwing in the sponge.

			ROBIN
		(to SINGERS)
	Shut up!  No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
	wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ...
	er thing ... in this forest.

			ARTHUR
	No ... it lies beyond this forest.

			TALL KNIGHT
	Stop saying the word!

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	Stop saying the word!  The word we cannot hear!  The word ...

			ARTHUR
		(losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")
	Oh, stop it!

Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground
covering their ears.  The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control
his MEN.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	They're all saying the word ...

			TALL KNIGHT
	Stop saying it.  AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	You've said it!  Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it.

ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through
the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.


27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY

We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown
into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade

   CUT BACK to the forest.  The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering.  they
   get up.

			TALL KNIGHT
	  Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	  Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ...  NI!

			TALL KNIGHT
	  Ssh! I think somebody's coming.  We'll get them to give us
	  another shrubbery.

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	  Good Idea.  More shrubberies.  As many as possible.

   Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.

			TALL KNIGHT
	  What shall we call ourselves this time?

			KNIGHT
	  How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?


28 EXTERIOR - DAY

   A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the
   apparent direction of someone behind the camera.  A Few coughs
   as they shuffle together.  a moment of silence.  then they burst
   into pleasant (melliflubus) song.

   Song:   When the trees do blossom full
		and all the hills are green
		Oh! Oh! We sing
		hey! hey! We sing
		our count....ry Song...

   A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up.  sound of raucous
   laughter OFF CAMERA.

   CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from
   the group of SINGERS.

   Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD.  He is roaring with
   roaring with laughter.  and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the
   marks of a faded richness.  it is a court without women, and nobody
   does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however
   on the line over the castle.  KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around
   him.   Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN
   himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people
   at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly
   the result of some violent edict a few years back)

			KING BRIAN
	  HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA!
	  Oh! Very good! Next!

			FIRST ADVISER
		  (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously
		giving him some pain)
	  There are no more, Sir.

			KING BRIAN
		  (grabbing him by the collar)
	  What do'you mean you filthy dog!

			FIRST ADVISER
	  There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.

			KING BRIAN
	  No more close harmony groups!!!

			FIRST ADVISER
	  We have scoured the kingdom.

			KING BRIAN
		  (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his
		arm again slightly)
	  You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!
	  Guards!

   Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also
   have their left arms missing)

			FIRST ADVISER
	  have mercy your MAJESTY!

			KING BRIAN
   GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest
   tree in the kingdom!

   The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off.  he whines piteously.


29 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were.  A police car
   roars up.  Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look
   around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN
   finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument that
   was hanging from BEDEVERE.

   They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.


30 EXTERIOR - DAY

   Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off.  there
   are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree.  the FIRST ADVISER
   is being hauled up it on pulleys.

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing
	  sweet.

			KING BRIAN
	  It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!
		  (KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head.  he falls.)
	  There's no fun in killing soloists!

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (picking himself up)
	  He may have a friend...

			KING BRIAN
	  GUARDS!

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Oh Please your majesty!  Please!

			KING BRIAN
	  Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!

   The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.

			SECOND ADVISER
	  No!
		  (he is dragged off screaming and protesting)

			KING BRIAN
		  (roaring at the rest of the court)
	  I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that
	  there are no more close harmony ...

   At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped
   to listen.  The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous
   sounds.

	  We're the knights of the round table
	  our shows are formidable
	  but many times we're given rhymes
	  that are quite unsingable...

			KING BRIAN
	  Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!

   Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.

			CREEP
	  Thank goodness.

			KING BRIAN
	  Shut up!
		  (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the
		SECOND ADVISER)
	  Oy you!

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)
	  Yes, Your majesty?

			KING BRIAN
	  Go and get 'em!

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (gratefully)
	Thank you sir!
		  (He staggers off with some difficulty)

			GUARD
	  'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.

   CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT.  (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)
   plus all their pages.  there are riding along singing cheerily.

			KNIGHTS
	  We're baby mad and Camelot
	  we nurse and push the pram a lot
	  in war we're tough and able
	  quite indefatigable
	  between our quests we sequin vests
	  and dress like betty gable
	  it's a...

			SECOND ADVISER
	  HALT!

			SIR GALAHAD
	  Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table
	  in mid-verse?

			SECOND ADVISER
	  I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.

			SIR LANCELOT
	  King Brian the wild?

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.

			SIR GALAHAD
	  Are those YOUR kidneys?

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (covering his stomach)
	  No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.
		  (The KNIGHTS look at each other)
	  he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court,
	  that he may listen at his ease ooh!

			SIR LANCELOT
	  You must be joking!
		  (general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)
	  Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!

			OTHER KNIGHTS
	  No fear etc.

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (in increasing pain)
	  It need not be close harmony oooh agh!

			SIR GALAHAD
	  Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than
	  he used to be.

			SIR GALAHAD
	  I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of
	  straight choral work?

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!

			KNIGHTS
	  Ah! There you are!

			SIR LAUNCELOT
	  We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society.

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!

			ARTHUR
	  No we must be on our way.

   They start off.

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to
		sound threatening)
	  If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh
	  ... iron spikes though your heads.

			KNIGHTS
	  Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (looking helplessly at his intestines)
	  He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.

			SIR GALAHAD
	  Like with close harmony groups.

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...

			SIR LANCELOT
	  We're not SCARED!

			SECOND ADVISER
		  (With his last ounce of strength)
	  Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close
	  harmony!

			ARTHUR
	  A challenge?

   The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow
   suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS
   look at him rather fearfully.

			ARTHUR
		  (majestacally)
	  It is a challenge.  We cannot refuse.

			SIR GALAHAD
	  King Brian's a fucking looney.

			SECOND ADVISER
	  Great!
		  (dies)

			SIR GALAHAD
	  Are you all right?

   CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias.  he sees the KNIGHTS enter
   the arena.

			KING BRIAN
	  Ah good!

   CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed
   notes.  meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.

   KING BRIAN settling down.

   KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close harmony
   group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver
   from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)

   SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having
   his gag removed.

   SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still
   rather nervous.

   The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.

			KING BRIAN
		  (who can't wait)
	  RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!

			ARTHUR
		  (wispering)
	  All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.

   They all nod.

	  One... Two... Three...

   Sound of Bows being drown very near by.

   ARTHUR looks up and frowns.

   CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg
   missing, but they DO have two arms.

   Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.

			ARTHUR
	  Hold it! Err ... King Brian!

			HERALD
		  (Louder than ever)
	  ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!

			KING BRIAN
		(trueulently)
	  What?

			ARTHUR
	  What are THEY For?
		  (Indicates the archers)

			KING BRIAN
	  Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.

			ARTHUR
	  Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.

			KING BRIAN
	  Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO
	  HAVE AN AUDIENCE!

			ARTHUR
	  We'd rather give a private recital.

			HERALD
	  THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST
	  KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!

			KING BRIAN
		  (to himself)
	  Turds...

   HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.

			ONE-LEGGED RSM
	  Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left
	  Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.

   They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight
   (Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)

			KING BRIAN
	  Right! Ready when you are.

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN IS READY!

			ARTHUR
	  And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...

   They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points,
   peep over the top of the fence.

	  HOLD IT!

			SIR GAWAIN
		  (singing)
	  We're

   Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but
   fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.

   Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the
   highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.

			KING BRIAN
	  What is it now?

			ARTHUR
	  We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.

			HERALD
	  THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...

			KING BRIAN
		  (impatiently)
	  Oh Sod the acoustics!  Get on with the singing!

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!

			ARTHUR
	  In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.
		  (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)

			HERALD
	  THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,
	  FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!

			KING BRIAN
		  (getting very angry and dribbling slightly)
	  NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ...
	  thing ...

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN
	  INCIDENT.

			KING BRIAN
	  Don't editorialize!

			HERALD
	  SORRY, KING.

			KING BRIAN
	  Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!

   KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without
   any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY!
	  WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

			KING BRIAN
	  I said don't.

			HERALD
	  Sorry, King.

			KING BRIAN
	  Right! On the count of three ... one ...

			HERALD
	  THE KING'S SAID ONE!

			KING BRIAN
	  Two!

			HERALD
	  THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!

   We hear the sound of bows being drawn back.  Tension mounts.  the KNIGHTS
   all look pretty grim.  The end is clearly pretty near.

			KING BRIAN
		  (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)
	  Three!

			HERALD
	  THREE!

   Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing

	  "Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."

   CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner
   of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking
   rather embarrassed.

			KING BRIAN
		  (turning to the sound)
	  FANTASTIC!

   CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS

	  "To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"

   They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.

			KING BRIAN
	  HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
	  Oh bloody marvellous!

   ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised
   but relieved.

			ARTHUR
	  Sir Robin! this way!

   ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and
   make good their escape.

			KING BRIAN
	  HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!

			HERALD
	  KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!

			KING BRIAN
	  Shut up!

   HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.

			HERALD'S HEAD
		  (as it rolls away)
	  PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!


28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

Shots of ARTHUR etc.  Riding out of the forest.  They leave the forest and
they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD.

			VOICE OVER
	And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
	find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four.
	Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
	rejoicing.


29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

			VOICE OVER
	In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
	minstrels ...  And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ...

MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS.

	Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ...  Spring
	changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
	went straight on into Summer ...  Until one day ...


30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY

The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge.  The country is wild and
inhospitable.  Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride
towards it.  As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding
around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and
branches to burst into flame.

			ARTHUR
	What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint
	or tinder?

			TIM
	I am an enchanter.

ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.

			ARTHUR
	By what name are you known?

			TIM
	There are some who call me Tim?

			ARTHUR
	Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

			TIM
	Greetings King Arthur.

			ARTHUR
	You know my name?

			TIM
	I do.
		(does another fire trick)
	You seek the Holy Grail.

			ARTHUR
	That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden O Tim.

			TIM
		(does another fire trick)
	Quite.

Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS.

			ARTHUR
	Yes we seek the Holy Grail.
		(clears throat very quietly)
	Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

			ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS
	Yes it is.

			ARTHUR
	And so we're looking for it.

			KNIGHTS
	Yes, we are.

			BEDEVERE
	We have been for some time.

			KNIGHTS
	Yes.

			ROBIN
	Months.

			ARTHUR
	Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful.

			GALAHAD
	Do you know where it ...

TIM does another fire trick.

			ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
	Sssssh!

			ARTHUR
	Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ...
	I don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you
	haven't by any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might
	find ... a ... aaa ...

			TIM
	What?

			ARTHUR
	A G...g...g...

			TIM
	A Grail?

They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

			ARTHUR
	Er ... yes ... I think so.

			ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
	Yes.

			TIM
	Yes.

			KNIGHTS
	Fine.

			ROBIN
	Splendid!

			OTHERS
	Yes, marvellous.

TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little.  Then TIM produces
another fire trick producing several different colours.

			ARTHUR
	Look, you're a busy man ...

			TIM
	Yes, I can help you with your guest.

Slight pause.

			ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
	Thank you.  Yes, thank you very much.

			TIM
	To the north there lies a cave,  the cave of Caerbannog,
	wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,
	the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ...

There is a thunderclap and a wind starts.  They KNIGHTS get nervous.

			TIM
	 ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

			ARTHUR
	How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

			TIM
	Follow!

The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.

	But follow only if you are men of valour.  For the entrance
	to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul
	and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived.
	Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ...
	therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage
	come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.

			ARTHUR
	  What an eccentric performance!


31 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it.  The KNIGHTS are 'riding'
towards it.  A foreboding atmosphere supervenes.  TIM gives a signal for
quietness.  ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'.

			ARTHUR
	Shhh!

The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts
for a few seconds.  Then there is a burst of noise from them including
whinnying.

			BEDEVERE
		(to ARTHUR)
	They're nervous, sire.

			ARTHUR
	Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

TIM takes a strange look at them.  They walk on leaving the PAGES behind.
After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.

			TIM
	Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

CUT TO shot of cave.  Bones littered around.  The KNIGHTS get the wind
up partially.  A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the
entrance.  Suddenly we become aware of total silence.  Any noises the
KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated.  They unsheathe their swords.

			ARTHUR
	Keep me covered.

Stir among KNIGHTS.

			BEDEVERE
	What with?

			ARTHUR
	Just keep me covered.

			TIM
	Too late.

			ARTHUR
	What?

			TIM
	There he is!

They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the
cave.  Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.

			ARTHUR
	Where?

			TIM
	There.

			ARTHUR
	Behind the rabbit?

			TIM
	It is the rabbit.

			ARTHUR
	... You silly sod.

			TIM
	What?

			ARTHUR
	You got us all worked up.

			BEDEVERE
	You cretin!

			TIM
	That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel
	and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.

			ROBIN
	You tit.  I soiled my armour I was so scared!

			TIM
	That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

			GALAHAD
	  Oh, fuck off.
	  Get stuffed.

			TIM
	He'll do you up a treat mate!

			GALAHAD
	Oh yeah?

			ROBIN
	  You turd!
	  Mangy scots git!

			TIM
	Look.  I'm warning you.

			ROBIN
	What's he do?  Nibble your bum?

			TIM
	Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a...
	look at the bones.

			ARTHUR
	Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

			BORS
	Right.  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew coming up.

			TIM
	Look!

As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS'
throat with an appalling scream.  From a distance of about twenty feet
there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS.  A quick CLOSE-UP
of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off.  The
RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking
in the KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly.

			ARTHUR
	Je...sus Christ!

			TIM
	I warned you!

			ROBIN
	I done it again.

			TIM
	Did I tell you?  Did you listen to me?  Oh no, no, you knew better
	didn't you?  No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it.  The names you
	called me.  Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

			ARTHUR
	Oh, shut up.

			TIM
		(quietly)
	It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

			ARTHUR
	Charge!

They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT.  A tremendous twenty
second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the
Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are
comprehensively killed.

	Run away!  Run away!

			ALL KNIGHTS
		(taking up cry)
	Run away!  Run away!

They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks.  TIM,
some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.

			TIM
	Ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha.

			ARTHUR
	Who did we lose?

			LAUNCELOT
	Sir Gawain.

			GALAHAD
	Ector.

			ARTHUR
	And Bors.  Five.

			GALAHAD
	  Three, sir!

			ARTHUR
	Three.  Well, we'll not risk another frontal
	assault.  That rabbit's dynamite.

			ROBIN
	Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

			ARTHUR
	Shut up.  Go and change your armour.

ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

			GALAHAD
	Let us taunt it.  It may become so cross that it will make
	a mistake.

			ARTHUR
	Like what?

GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

			GALAHAD
	Do we have any bows?

			ARTHUR
	No.

			LAUNCELOT
	We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

			ROBIN
	The what?

			ARTHUR
	The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.  'Tis one of the sacred
	relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

			ALL
	Yes. Of course.

			ARTHUR
		(shouting)
	Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Slight pause.  Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group
of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing
and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and
waving incense.  They reach the KNIGHTS.  The hand grenade is suffused
with the holy glow.

ARTHUR takes it.  Pause

			ARTHUR
	How does it ... er ...

			LAUNCELOT
	I know not.

			ARTHUR
	Consult the Book of Armaments.

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

			ANOTHER MONK
		(reading from bible)
	And St.  Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
	"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
	thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and
	people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
	and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	Skip a bit brother ...

			ANOTHER MONK
	... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou
	take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,
	no less.  Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the
	number of the counting shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count,
	neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
	Five is right out.  Once the number three, being the third number,
	be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
	towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

			ARTHUR
	Right.

He pulls Pin out.  The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

			ARTHUR
	(quietly)
	One, two
	  , three ...
	  , five ...

			GALAHAD
	  Three, sir!

			ARTHUR
	  Three.

ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT.  There is an explosion and cheering
from the KNIGHTS.

			ALL KNIGHTS
	Praise be to the lord.  Huzzah!

32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY

MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave.  It is a large cave and as
they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave
a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise
as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall.
The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

			ARTHUR
	There!  Look!

			BEDEVERE
	What does it say?

			GALAHAD
	What language is this?

			BEDEVERE
	Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	It is Aramaic!

			GALAHAD
	Of course.  Joseph of Aramathea!

			ALL
	Of course.

			ARTHUR
	What does it say?

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
	Aramathea."

Excitement.

	"He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail
	 in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

			ARTHUR
	What?

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	 "The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

			BEDEVERE
	What's that?

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	He must have died while carving it.

			BEDEVERE
	Oh, come on.

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	That's what it says.

			ARTHUR
		(miming)
	But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
	He'd just say it.

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	It's down there carved in stone.

			GALAHAD
	Perhaps he was dictating.

			ARTHUR
	Shut up.  Is that all it says?

			BROTHER MAYNARD
	That's all.  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

			ARTHUR
	"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

			BEDEVERE
	Do you think he meant the Camargue?

			GALAHAD
	Where's that?

			BEDEVERE
	France, I think.

			LAUNCELOT
	Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

			ARTHUR
	No, that's Saint Ives.

A muffled roar is heard.

			ROBIN
	  Hey!

			BEDEVERE
	  No, that's in Herefordshire.

			ROBIN
		  (more urgently)
	  No ... HEY!!!

			LAUNCELOT
	  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "

			ROBIN
	  No!  "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!

			BEDEVERE
	  Oooooh!

			LAUNCELOT
	  No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.

			BEDEVERE
	  No!  "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!

He indicated the entrance of the cave.  They all turn and look.  There in
the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.

			ARTHUR
	Oh!
			GALAHAD
	My God!

			LAUNCELOT
	What is it?

			BEDEVERE
	I know!  I know!  I Know!

			ARTHUR
	What?

			BEDEVERE
	It's the ... oh ...
		(snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)
	it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

Another hideous roar.

	That's it!

			ARTHUR
	What?

			BEDEVERE
	It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

  At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION.  ARTHUR turns.

			ARTHUR
	  Who was that?

			HECTOR
		  (from back of group; northern and helpful)
	  It was Sir Alf.

			ARTHUR
	  I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.

			HECTOR
	  He was feeding it bread.

			ARTHUR
		  (shouting back)
	  Well, that was a very silly thing to do.  Now the rest of you stand
	  well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

			HECTOR
	  Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

			ROBIN
	  Look out.

  The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them.  The KNIGHTS retreat
  into the darkness of the cave.

			GAWAIN
		  (as they run)
	  It's only a cartoon.

			ARTHUR
	  Sh!

They run off.  Darkness.  The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

			VOICE OVER
	  As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
	 and his knights seemed hopeless,  when, suddenly ... the animator
	 suffered a fatal heart attack.

			ANIMATOR
	  Aaaaagh!

			VOICE OVER
	  The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail
	  could continue.

ANIMATED SEQUENCE.  Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a
distant opening to the cave.  They reach the opening.  It is day.


33 EXTERIOR - DAY

The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a
breathtaking, barren landscape.  Glencoe.  They are half they way up
the side of a mountain.  They rest a few seconds and get their breath
back.

			GALAHAD
	 Look!

			GALAHAD
	 There it is!

			ARTHUR
	 The Bridge of Death!

			ROBIN
		  (to himself)
	  Oh! Great ...

   They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone
   which bears the words:  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  5 miles" and an arrow.

			ARTHUR
	  God be praised.  This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke
	  in scene twenty-four.

   The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along
   the side of the mountain.  GALAHAD is leading.

   MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher.  The path gets more and more
   slippery and dangerous.  They reach another milestone which says:
   "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni!  82 miles" and
   an arrow pointing in the opposite direction.  They go on.  It is
   dangerous and difficult.  Tension in their faces.

   As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.

			BEDEVERE
	  We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...

			ROBIN
		  (to himself)
	  Oh, great!

			BEDEVERE
	  The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveller
	  three questions.  And he who answers the three questions can
	  cross in safety.

			ROBIN
		  (warily)
	  And if you get a question wrong?

			BEDEVERE
	  You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

34 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO them struggling along.  Perhaps downhill now.  It is growing misty.
   SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points.  They peer.

   CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the
   gorge below.  We cannot see the other side.

   Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they
   met earlier in the forest.

			ARTHUR
		  (to BEDEVERE)
	  He's the Keeper of the Bridge.  It's the old man.

			BEDEVERE
		  (swallowing hard)
	  Who's going to answer the questions?

			ARTHUR
	  You go, Robin, and God be with you.

			ROBIN
		  (looking round wildly)
	  Er ... I tell you what -
		  (lowering voice)
	  Why doesn't Launcelot go?

			ARTHUR
		  (considering a moment)
	  Very well ... Sir Launcelot.  Brave Sir Launcelot.  This is the Bridge
	  of Death ...

			LAUNCELOT
	  Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed.
		  (drawing his sword)
	  I will ...

   ARTHUR restrains him.

			ARTHUR
	  No, hang on.  All we want is for you to approach the old man
	  and he will ask you three questions.  Answer those question as
	  best you can, and we will watch ... and pray.

			LAUNCELOT
	  Yes, my liege ...

			ARTHUR
	  Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot!  Be careful ...

   They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten.  LAUNCELOT approaches the
   Bridge of Death.

			ARTHUR
	  Listen to the questions.

			BEDEVERE
	  Look!  It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?

			ARTHUR
	  He is the keeper of the Bridge.  He asks each traveler five questions ...
			GALAHAD
	  Three questions.

			ARTHUR
	  Three questions ... he who answers the five questions

			GALAHAD
	  Three questions.

			ARTHUR
	  Three questions, may cross in safety.

			ROBIN
		  (warily)
	  And if you get a question wrong?

			ARTHUR
	  You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

			ROBIN
	  Oh ... wacho!

			GALAHAD
	  Who's going to answer the questions?

			ARTHUR
	  Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.

			ROBIN
	  Hey! I've got a great idea!
	  Why doesn't Launcelot go?

			LAUNCELOT
	  Yes. Let me.  I will take it single-handed ...
	  I will make feint to the north-east ...

			ARTHUR
	  No, hang on!  Just answer the five questions ...

			GALAHAD
	  Three questions ...

			ARTHUR
	  Three questions ...  And we shall watch ... and pray.

			LAUNCELOT
	  I understand, my liege.

			ARTHUR
	  Good luck,  brave Sir Launcelot ...  God be with you.

   LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	Stop!

SIR LAUNCELOT stops.  The KNIGHTS watch anxiously.  ARTHUR sniffs briefly
and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armour.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	Who approaches the Bridge of Death
	Must answer me
	These questions three!
	Ere the other side he see.

			LAUNCELOT
	Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is your name?

			LAUNCELOT
	My name is Sir Launcelot.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is your quest?

			LAUNCELOT
	To find the Holy Grail.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is your favorite colour?

			LAUNCELOT
	Blue.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	Right.  Off you go.

SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist.  The bridge perhaps disappears
into the mist and we cannot see the other side.  ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN
exchange glances.  ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief.

			ROBIN
	That's easy!

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	Stop!
	Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
	Must answer me
	These questions three!
	Ere the other side he see!

			ROBIN
	Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is your name?

			ROBIN
	My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is your quest?

			ROBIN
	To seek the Grail!

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	What is the capital of Assyria?

			ROBIN
		(indignantly)
	I don't know that!

He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the
precipice.

			ROBIN
	Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!


35 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side.  He looks
back across the invisible chasm.  Dimly in the distance he hears:

			GAWAIN  (OUT OF VISION)
	Sir Gawain of Camelot!

			BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
	What is your quest?

			GAWAIN (OOV)
	To seek the Holy Grail.

			BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
	  What goes:  black white ... black white ... black white?

			GAWAIN (OOV)
	  Oh, er ... Babylon!  er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

   SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge.  In the
   distance we hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud,
   suddenly a hand lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder.

			POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER)
	  Just want to ask you some questions, sir.

	LAUNCELOT turns and reacts.  He is led away.


36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY

   CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake.

			BEDEVERE
		  (to ARTHUR)
	  How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to
	  maintain velocity?

			ARTHUR
	  Oh ... when you're king you know all those things.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  What is your favorite colour?

			GAWAIN
	  Blue ...  No yelloooooww!

   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  What is your name?

			ARTHUR
	  It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  What is your quest?

			ARTHUR
	  To seek the Holy Grail.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

			ARTHUR
	  What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  Er ...  I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

   BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.

			BEDEVERE
	  How do you know so much about swollows?

			ARTHUR
	  Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Suddenly they appear at water's edge.  They look across the water.  A huge
expanse disappearing into the mist.  How can they cross?

Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist
appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them.

They gaze in wonder.  The mysterious boat comes to where they are standing.
As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer
   to the boat.  As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks
   up at them.

			BOATKEEPER
		  (he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER)
	  He who would cross the Sea if Fate
	  must answer me
	  these questions twenty-eight.

   He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances,
   then turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the
   water.  They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist

   FADE OUT


37 ANIMATION

   A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake.

   MIX TO


38 EXTERIOR - DAY

The boat carries them across a magical lake.  They land and get out of
the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their
knees.

Crescendo on music.

			ARTHUR
	God be praised!  The deaths of many find knights have this day
	been avenged.

Music swells.  They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for
which they have searched for so long.  Suddenly a voice comes from
the battlements.

Music cuts dead.

			FROG
	Ha ha!  Hello!  Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur
	King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

The KNIGHTS look up.

			FROG
	We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English
	mousedropping hoarders ... how you say:  "Begorrah!"

ARTHUR stands and shouts.

			ARTHUR
	How dare you profane this place with your presence!  I command
	you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the
	Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!
		(he turns to the KNIGHTS)
	Come.

ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

			FROG
	How you English say:  I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you,
	sons of a window-dresser,  so, you think you could out-clever us French
	fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing
	behaviour.
		(blows a raspberry)
	I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured,
	mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door.
ARTHUR bangs on the door.

			ARTHUR
	In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
	castle.

Jeering from the battlements.

			FROG
	No chance, English bed-wetting types.  We burst our pimples at you,
	and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained
	wipers of other people's bottoms!

French laughter

			ARTHUR
	If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...

A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR.  He tries to retain his dignity.

			ARTHUR
	In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...

Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

	... Right!
		(to the KNIGHTS)
	That settles it!

They turn and walk away.  French jeering follows them.

			FROG
	Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or
	we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets
	of your testicles already.

			ARTHUR
		(to KNIGHTS)
	Walk away.  Just ignore them.

ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off.  A small hail of chickens,
watercress,   badgers and mattresses follows them.  But they are on their
dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

			FROG
	And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!  And, if you think
	you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy
	k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.

  CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He
  rises up into SHOT.

			BRIDGEKEEPER
	  He would cross the sea of fate,
	  Must answer me these questions
	  Twenty-eight.

  CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two
  CONSTABLES.

			INSPECTOR
	  All right, put him in the van.

  THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away.  French taunts still audible in
the distance.

			FRENCH
	You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

			ARTHUR
		(to BEDEVERE)
	We shall attack at once.

			BEDEVERE
	Yes, my liege.
		(he turns)
	Stand by for attack!!

CUT TO enormous army forming up.  Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!"  Traditional
army build-up shots.  The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.
We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

			ARTHUR
	Who are they?

			BEDEVERE
	Oh, just some friends!

We end up back with ARTHUR.  He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the
wind.  Some of the horses whinny nervously,  and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR is satisfied at last.  He addresses the castle.

			ARTHUR
	French persons!  Today the blood of many valiant knights shall
	bee avenged.  In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight
	until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those
	whom God has chosen.

ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:

	CHARGE!

The mighty ARMY charges.  Thundering noise of feet.  Clatter of coconuts.
Shouts etc.

The charge towards the castle.

Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar
round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop
them.  TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE.  Black Marias skid up
behind them.

The ARMY halts.
			HISTORIAN'S WIFE
	They're the ones, I'm sure.

			INSPECTOR END OF FILM
	Grab 'em!

The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head.  They are bundled
into the black maria and the van drives off.

The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

			INSPECTOR END OF FILM
		(picks up megaphone)
	All right!  Clear off!  Go on!

A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

			INSPECTOR END OF FILM
	Move along.  There's nothing to see!  Keep moving!

Suddenly he notices the cameras.

As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the
KNIGHTS huddled inside.

			INSPECTOR END OF FILM
		(to Camera)
	All right, put that away sonny.

He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the
screen.

There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.

  Suddenly jazzy music.  Animated titles.  (A new film completely free
  with the Monty Python film.)


						"THE CREDITS"

  Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it
  includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.


			THE END


  Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...
  organ music continues as the audience leave.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cast list:


GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED:		KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,
			THREE-HEADED KNIGHT
JOHN CLEESE PLAYED:		SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
			LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT,
			MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN
			BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY
			RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT

TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED:		 PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN
			KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN
			(THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT)

ERIC IDLE PLAYED:			THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO
			-WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN,
			THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET
			THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S
			TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER),
			BROTHER MAYNARD

NEIL INNES PLAYED:			THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST
			FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A
			RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK
TERRY JONES PLAYED:		DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED
			KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT

MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED:		 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
			DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS
			ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN
			WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD,
			KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S
			ROOMATE

CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED:		  THE WITCH

CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED:	ZOOT AND DINGO

BEE DUFFELL PLAYED:		OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"

JOHN YOUNG PLAYED:			THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE
			HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL

RITA DAVIES PLAYED:		THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR
			(HONESTLY)'S WIFE

SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED:		EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET

AVRIL STEWART PLAYED:		 EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB
Registerd Number 1138069 England

						August 5th, 1974.
Dear Mike,

The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's
screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's
probale certificate.

He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given
some dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would
increase the audience.  (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14).

For an 'A' we would have to:

		Lose as may shits as possible

		Take Jesus Christ out, if possible

		Loose "I fart in your general direction"

		Lose "the oral sex"

		Lose "oh, fuck off"

		Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles"

I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the
shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but
to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your
testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on
that basis.

Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Forstater.


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