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FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
INT. A STUFFY MANSION--A NIGHT ABOUT FORTY YEARS AGO
The viewer floats through an overbearing mansion and
up its sweeping staircase to where a stern man in
conservative dress is pacing back and forth, smoking a
cigarette in a cigarette holder. He is the FATHER. The
throes-of-labor pants and moans of the MOTHER can be
heard from down the hall.
Now, eerie Gaas and Goos chill the air. The Father stops
and gapes the cigarette holder out of his mouth to see a
dazed NURSE shuffle out of the birth room and disappear
down the hallway.
A TRAUMATIZED DOCTOR next wanders out. The Father runs
past him into the room. The viewer remains outside and
hears the Father's subsequent screams.
INT. MANSION LIVING ROOM--CHRISTMAS EVE PAST
A bizarrely corrugated Cage sits amid the plush, period,
and Christmased-up surroundings of the mansion. With
their backs turned to the sickly squeals emerging from
the Playpen from Hell, Father and Mother, holding
martinis, look out a window of gentle snowfall, with
bloodshot eyes. A 50's-type radio warbles "Santa Claus
is coming to Town."
A strange pair of eyes peer from the cage. Taking the
point of view of the eyes from inside the playpen, one
sees the mansion's Christmas tree from between the dark
cage slats.
GIDDY YULETIDE SINGERS
"He knows when you are sleeping,
he knows when you're awake..."
The family cat skulks past the cage -- almost. Without
warning, the cat is yanked -- so fast and powerfully it
seems that it's been sucked -- through the bars, into the
cage. A feline SCREAM, then sickening silence.
With dead syncopation, Mother and Father finish off their
martinis, and plop the empty glasses down.
EXT. A PARK--THAT NIGHT
A HAPPY COUPLE in 50's dress, pushes a baby carriage
through the park cooing toward their bundle of joy
inside.
Father and Mother straggle from the other direction,
creaking forward an ominously closed-up, wickedly de-
signed baby carriage that serves to muffle nasty whining
and thumping noises.
HAPPY COUPLE
Merry Christmas!
Father and Mother fake a smiling response that collapses
as the happy couple passes. They then brake at a story-
book bridge over a bubbling brook. With dark nonchalance,
Father and Mother each grab an end of the carriage and
heave it upward.
EXT. THE CARRIAGE--NIGHT
swirls in the air and splashes down into the small river.
Right side up, the carriage gently rides the tranquil
rapids out of the park area. It bobs through an open
sewer tunnel pipe.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The carriage innocently slides through the murky waters
of the awesomely cavernous and creepy sewer, softly
surfing its sides.
INT. A DARK LAIR--NIGHT
The resilient carriage spews from a gaping pipe into a
moat of water that surrounds a vast patch of snow and
ice that is the centerpiece of a dark and mysterious
lair.
The carriage rides a gentle wave onto the sanctuary's
arctic island, into a patch of light. From out of the
darkness of the lair, FOUR STATUESQUE EMPEROR PENGUINS
WITH DISTINGUISHED GRAY BELLIES regally approach the
carriage and surround it with spooky authority.
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE
GO TO...
EXT. A DISPLAY WINDOW--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA
A Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous soundtrack
boom. A playful salvo of snowballs reverberates against
this image as the logo is revealed to be a hanging center-
piece in the display window of a store that sells Batman
sleds, lunch boxes, T-shirts, and ticking-to-twenty-
before-Seven clocks.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--EARLY EVENING
Bathed in pristine snow and packed with ELATED SHOPPERS,
POINSETTIA GRASPING LOVERS, BLESSED CAROLERS, and an
overwhelming array of Christmas decoration, the intimate
Plaza center of Gotham City has been dragged kicking and
screaming into a state of beauty and happiness.
An ALL-AMERICAN DAD holds up a bowed Batman sled to an
ALL-AMERICAN MOM. An ALL-AMERICAN SON rushes up causing
All-American Dad to exaggeratedly hide the present behind
his back.
Just behind them, an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL takes a dollar
from her precious little purse and gives it to a
SALVATION ARMY SANTA. A sweet, microphoned voice wafts
out over the Plaza.
SWEET MICROPHONED VOICE (O.S.)
Could I have your attention, Gotham
City?
EXT. FROM AN ELEVATED STAGE AT THE CENTER OF THE
PLAZA--EVENING
A dewy-eyed young lovely, wearing a snow bunny fur, a
tiara, and a banner streamed across her chest that reads
ICE PRINCESS, continues into her mike. An Elegant Lampost
Clock, near the stage, ticks fifteen minutes till seven.
ICE PRINCESS
It's time for tonight's Lighting
of the Tree! How 'bout that!
The merry Consumers stop to watch the Ice Princess scurry
to an IMMENSE VIBRANTLY MULTI-COLORED BUTTON and press it
down. This causes a mammoth Christmas Tree to light up.
The crowd erupts in aahs and oohs.
INT. A VERTICAL SEWER GRATE--EVENING
Through a grand, vertical half-circle sewer grate, an
older pair of strange eyes peer. Taking the point of
view of the eyes through the grate slats, one sees the
blazing Christmas Tree, just as one did through the
Playpen bars.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING
A pair of black webbed hands -- flippers, really -- curl
out around the grate bars. Eerily poking out next is a
twisted bird-like nose and a creepy pair of barely audible
lips.
THE CREEPY LIPS
"I know when you are sleeping, I
know when you're awake."
The world's most beloved butler, ALFRED, marches past the
sewer grate, past a PAPERBOY who bustles up, holding a
newspaper headlined "PENGUIN -- MAN OR MYTH OR SOMETHING
WORSE?"
PAPERBOY
Read about the latest sighting of
the Penguin creature! He was seen
torching a homeless shelter,
robbing a blind --
ALFRED
Dear Boy! Sometimes it is a
diversion to read such piffle.
Most times it is a waste of time.
Alfred suddenly feels a chill from behind, and below him.
He turns to the sewer grate just as the slimy flippers
disappear into the darkness.
EXT. THE TOP OF THE SHRECK BUILDING--NIGHT
The viewer goes from Gotham's bowels to its summit. The
top floor of the building housing the department store
is a tower of Ivory with a large, friendly sentinel of
a cat at its tippy top. Two men stand in the window,
pointing down to the Plaza below.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The conference room presents itself in its high-tech
splendor. A mighty Shreck Corporation logo of a friendly
cat adorns one wall.
The two men are MAX SHRECK and THE MAYOR. Max is a
pillar of community charisma. The Mayor is more
straightforward, less spectacular.
MAYOR
Well here's hoping ... With Batman
protecting us, and all your enterprises
keeping our economy on full boil,
Gotham just might have its first
real Christmas in a good long while.
MAX
(nods, then)
I feel almost vulgar, in this
Yuletide context, about mentioning
the new power plant.
But if we're gonna break ground
when we've gotta break ground,
I'll need permits, variances, tax
incentives ... that sort of pesky
nonsense.
Evidently, this is the first the Mayor has heard of it.
MAYOR
"Power plant"? Max, our studies
show that Gotham has enough energy
sources to sustain growth into the
next cen--
MAX
(scoffs)
Your analysts are talking growth
at one percent per annum. That's
not growth, that's a mild swelling.
I'm planning ahead for a
revitalized Gotham City ... So we
can light the whole plaza without
worrying about brownouts ... Do
you like the sound of "brownouts"?
Do you?
Behind them, Max's football-hero son CHIP (as in Chip off
the old block) enters, with SELINA KYLE, Max's beautiful-
beneath-bifocals-and-a-subdued-haircut assistant. She
sets down fresh coffee for Max and the Mayor.
MAX
Imagine a Gotham City of the future
lit up like a blanket of stars ...
but blinking on and off,
embarrassingly low on juice.
Frankly I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
Chip glances to a fierce digital clock showing 6:50.
CHIP
Dad. Mr. Mayor ... It's time to
go downstairs and bring joy to the
masses.
Max looks to the Mayor: what's it gonna be?
MAYOR
(curt)
Sorry. You'll have to submit
reports, blueprints and plans to
the usual committees, through the
usual channels.
This isn't what Max wants to hear. But before he can
retort:
SELINA
Um, I had a suggestion. Well,
really, actually more of just a
question ...
Max turns, goggle-eyed at the impertinence.
MAX
I'm afraid we haven't properly
house-broken Ms. Kyle. In the
plus column, though, she knows
how to brew coffee.
As Chip follows his father and the Mayor out he tells
Selina, re the untouched coffee.
CHIP
Thanks. Y'know it's not the
caffeine that buzzes us -- it's
the obedience.
Now Selina is alone.
SELINA
Shut up, Chip.
Then she slaps her forehead with her palm.
SELINA
"Actually more of just a question."
You stupid corn dog. Corn dog.
Corn dog.
EXT. OUTSIDE SHRECK'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Max, his son and the Mayor roll out from beneath the
SHRECK sign, through popping flashbulbs and happy
Gothamites.
Max smoothly hands a fifty and a second bill to a
Salvation Army Santa. Santa checks the second bill.
It's a single.
CHIP
Watch your step, Dad, it's pretty
grotesque...
Max gracefully side-steps an island of melting sludge.
We follow its oozing stream down into a sewer grate.
INT. BELOW IN THE SEWER--NIGHT
A silhouette of a squat, gnarled figure responds to the
icky drizzle by flapping open an umbrella, in shadow.
EXT. THE STAGE--NIGHT
As Max and the Mayor move -- both smiling -- to the dais:
MAX
I have enough signatures -- from
Shreck employees alone -- to warrant
a recall. That's not a threat.
Just simple math.
MAYOR
Maybe. But you don't have an issue,
Max. Nor do you have a candidate.
The elegant clock behind them says five minutes till
seven. Max and the Mayor both peck the Ice Princess's
cheek. Now the Mayor takes the mike. With forced
joviality:
MAYOR
The man who's given this city so much
is here, to keep giving. Welcome
Gotham's own Santa Claus, Max Shreck.
INT. MAX'S OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina sullenly scribbles "Obey" on a post-it pad which
she then sticks on the edge of her computer beside other
girlishly masochistic post-its like "Don't 'get' jokes"
and "Save it for your diary".
Selina pouts at the sound of the cheering crowd. A
phone rings. She just stares at it. Then past it, to
a legal pad sheet with the word SPEECH scribbled atop
it. Selina pops to it in a panic.
SELINA
Darn. Darn.
EXT. THE STAGE--NIGHT
Max, the Mayor, and his staff proudly hurl small wrapped
boxes into the eager audience. Max then stops to unzip
a hand-size portfolio--it is empty. He then gives a calm,
clenched-teeth hiss to Chip.
MAX
Forgot. My. Speech. Remind me to
take it out on Selina.
(into mike)
"Santa Claus"? 'Fraid not. I'm
just a poor schmoe who got a little
lucky, and sue me if I want to give
a little back. I only wish I could
hand out more than just expensive
baubles. I wish I could hand out
World Peace, and Unconditional
Love, wrapped in a big bow.
INT. SEWER BELOW THE STAGE--NIGHT
The umbrella closes to reveal a POV of the babbling Max
up through a stage-side sewer grate.
A RASP
Oh, but you can. Oh, but you
will ...
His clammy flipper rises up, barely into the light, to
flick open a rusted, ornately battered time-piece. One
minute till.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
A GARGANTUAN CHRISTMAS PRESENT WITH A COLOSSAL RED BOW
is suddenly seen floating into the Plaza. Citizens turn
their heads from the stage to gasp in wonder.
Behind the Adorable Little Girl, Alfred reaches a parked
Wayne Rolls Royce and tosses in his present. He pulls off
a ticket from the windshield with a huff, then looks out
to the big present. Warily.
The alarms on the clocks in the Batman Store window go
off at seven o' clock.
EXT. THE STAGE--NIGHT
The Mayor admires the Mega-gift. Grudgingly:
MAYOR
Great idea.
MAX
(mystified)
But not mine...
Max drops a present. It lands atop the sewer grate
below.
INT. THE SEWER BELOW--NIGHT
Angle on a shadow of the face of the man one calls
PENGUIN.
PENGUIN
Deck the halls.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
One can make out motorcycle wheels churning beneath the
box and even some moving feet when suddenly the front
of the box tears open. With a rebel yell, a GANG of
SURLY CARNIVAL DENIZENS WITH RED TRIANGLES TATTOOED OVER
THEIR LEFT EYES blitzkrieg the crowd, which includes
Alfred, who protectively bolts toward the Little Girl.
A STRONGMAN COVERED IN TATTOOS emerges out of the box to
slam the All-American Dad and swipe his Batman sled,
which Strongman then uses to hammer down Santa Claus.
EXT. BEFORE THE DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Oblivious, Selina rushes out with Max's speech.
A TRIO OF SCOWLING BIKERS buzz her to the ground.
The Batman sled crunches against a frosty police wind-
shield. A disgruntled COMMISSIONER GORDON sputters out
into his radio.
GORDON
What are you waiting for? The
Signal!
EXT. THE GOTHAM SKY--NIGHT
THE RENOWNED BAT BEACON blazes onto the edge of the night.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--NIGHT
The Bat Beacon can be seen through an elegant mansion
window.
Its reflection is picked up in an ornate mirror in the
grand living room and then followed to another
strategically placed mirror. The reflection glows
against the face of a sitting-in-darkness Bruce Wayne.
He moves out of the light.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
Through the grate bars, the beacon in the sky can be made
out, accompanied by strange squawks.
THE RASP OF PENGUIN
Ooh, Batman... You gonna piss on
my parade..?
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
A FIRE BREATHER smashes open a big hole in the Batman
Store display window with his Fire-rod. He sticks his
rod in his mouth, then bellows a cloud of flame onto the
Batman merchandise.
Amid the chaos of whimpering victims and dropped shopping
bags, a fleeing Ice Princess shoves an Elderly Woman to
the ground.
EXT. THE STAGE--NIGHT
Monkeys with cap-pistols frolic on the shoulders of a man
equipped with an organ-grinder-Gatling-gun, as he fires
artillery into the Christmas tree, blasting off ornaments,
cables, and lights. Max and the Mayor hit the deck.
ORGAN GRINDER
Take that, tannenbaum!
A FAT CLOWN leaps onto the stage with a WICKEDLY DRESSED
DAME, who wears an assortment of knives, and a RAGGEDY
SWORD SWALLOWER who chokes up an Excaliber.
KNIFETHROWER DAME
Relax. We just came for the guy
who runs the show.
The Mayor bravely steps forward.
MAYOR
What do you want from me?
Laughing, the Sword Swallower pushes him off the stage.
SWORD SWALLOWER
Not you. Shreck.
Now Chip heroically stands.
CHIP
You'll have to go through me.
FAT CLOWN
All this courage. Goosebump-city.
Simultaneously the Knifethrower whip-throws a knife that
grazes Chip's ear.
MAX
Son!
CHIP
Dad! Save yourself!
Max has already dashed off the dais.
EXT./INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Batmobile rockets toward the viewer, the bat insignia
reflecting off the windshield. It plows through the
gargantuan "present," shredding it to pieces.
Three STILT-WALKERS are viciously kicking the crowd.
BATMAN slams down a lever.
Twin blades sprout from the Batmobile's sides, like
wings, to saw off the stilts, whose owners now crash
down, face-first.
Out of slots, Batman fires a whooshing array of small,
black, metal frisbees into the heads of some Carnival
gangsters and Bikers.
Now he focuses upon the Tattooed Strongman, chasing
Alfred and the Little girl.
Alfred looks to the oncoming Batmobile and knowingly
ducks. A black frisbee savagely jettisons over his head,
into the Tattooed Strongman's face, crumpling him to the
ground. Alfred rises up to broadly beam at the passing
Batmobile.
EXT. PLAZA SIDE STREET--NIGHT
Max huffs with growing confidence, into a less crowded
sidestreet. He trots over a sewer grate.
INT. BENEATH THIS SIDE-STREET SEWER GRATE--NIGHT
Loud animalistic panting and splashing sounds are heard
as we watch Max stamping across the grate.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Three Clowns spin and fire frantically at the charging
Batmobile. One dives out of the way.
The other Two (one, a midget) slam atop the hood as
Batman roars toward the Batman store and the Fire-
breather blaspheming the display window.
The woozy hood-top clowns raise their guns toward the
windshield, while the escaped Clown rains bullets against
its back window.
Batman brakes the Batmobile. The Hoodtop Clowns sail
into the stunned Firebreather and all three land on the
merchandising.
Batman twists a square black Knob. A powerful STEEL JACK-
TYPE DEVICE jets out the bottom of the Batmobile and
lifts the vehicle up off the ground. The Batmobile does
a sharp 180 degree spin. Batman re-twists the knob. The
jack slams back up into the Batmobile.
The Exhaust of the spun-around Batmobile volcanoes toward
the gaping Firebreather, fittingly setting him on fire,
along with both clowns. The Batmobile thunders at the
clown who'd escaped.
This clown grabs innocent bystander Selina Kyle. In the
scuffle, a heel cracks off one of her shoes.
The blitzing Batmobile comes to a skidding halt. The
Clown presses a sleek stun-gun to Selina's neck.
SELINA
I probably shouldn't bring this up,
but this is a very serious pair
of shoes you ruined. Couldn't you
have just been a prince and broken
my jaw? My body will heal, but
this was the last pair left in my
size.
CLOWN
All these innocent bystanders and I
had to pick you ...SHUT UP!
The Batmboile door whooshes open. Batman pounds straight
at the Clown, an eerie force of nature. An ACROBAT
somersaults into his face. Batman casually punches his
lights out.
CLOWN
Listen up, Mister Man-bat, you
take one step closer and I'll...
BATMAN
Sure.
Batman gunslingers out his grapple speargun. The wired
hook rockets past the clown's jerking away head and into
the wall behind him.
CLOWN
(jeers)
Nice shot, Mister...
Batman yanks the wire, ripping off a chunk of wall that
smacks the back of the clown's head. As he staggers:
SELINA
You shouldn'a left the other heel.
With her surviving heel, she kicks the Crumpled Clown's
knee, knocking him and the stun gun to the ground.
Batman bends to his vanquished foe. Touches the triangle
tattoo over his left eye, as Selina gushes:
SELINA
Wow. The Batman--or is it just
"Batman"? Your choice. Of course.
Batman finds himself staring at the lovely young woman.
For a moment, time freezes.
BATMAN
Gotta go.
In a wink, he's a half-block away, being schmoozed by
Commissioner Gordon. Onlookers CHEER.
It's just Selina alone here with her unconscious attacker.
SELINA
Well. That was ... very brief.
Like most men in my life. What
men? Well, there's you, but ...
you need therapy.
She kneels beside the Clown. Picks up his stun-gun.
Zaps him, jolting his body a bit.
SELINA
Electroshock therapy. What a
bargain -- we both feel better.
EXT. PLAZA SIDE STREET--NIGHT
Hearing the sounds of cheers, Max smiles and stops atop
a manhole to wipe his brow. Suddenly, the manhole cracks
in half, sucking down a wailing Max. The manhole flaps
back up into a normal, seemingly untouched position.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
The Commissioner hustles to keep pace with Batman.
GORDON
Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
(good natured huff)
Thanks for making the rest of us look
like a bunch of dolts ... I'm afraid
the Red Triangle Circus Gang is back.
BATMAN
We'll see...
Now the Mayor bustles up.
MAYOR
The Caped Crusader. We don't
deserve you! They almost made off
with our mover and shaker, Max
Shreck. But --
Belatedly it dawns on the Mayor. He looks around,
blinking.
MAYOR
Where is that insufferable
sonovabitch?
Then he turns back, to Batman. But Batman has vanished,
too.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--LATER THAT NIGHT
Selina enters, hanging up her winter coat and calling out.
SELINA
Honey, I'm home.
(then)
Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
She wearily laughs at her private joke, then takes in her
'90's quaint, "feminine" apartment -- pink carpet, cute
linoleum, a neon "HELLO THERE!" on the wall --
-- a meticulous doll house, a quilt-in-progress, a pretty
embarrassing assortment of stuffed animals and a Christmas
tree.
Through her open window, a feisty, beautiful CAT slinks in.
SELINA
Miss Kitty ... Back from more
sexual escapades you refuse to
share ... not that I'd ever pry.
Drink your dinner.
She sets out a dish of milk. Miss Kitty comes over, purring.
SELINA
What did you just purr? "How can
anyone be so pathetic?" Yes, to
you I seem pathetic. But I'm a
working girl, gotta pay the rent.
Maybe if you were chipping in,
'stead of stepping out ...
She passes childhood PHOTOS of a younger happier Selina on
a trampoline, on a horse, on a mountain face ... then
turns on her answering machine.
As it plays, she opens her Murphy bed, turns down the
covers ...
MOM'S VOICE
(stern)
Selina dear. It's your mother.
Just calling to say hello --
SELINA
Yeah right, "but" --
MOM'S VOICE
-- "but" I'm disappointed you're not
coming home for Christmas. I was
looking forward to discussing your
life. To hearing just why you
insist on languishing in Gotham
City as some lowly secretary --
SELINA
Lowly "assistant". Thank you.
She fast forwards to:
LAME BOYFRIEND'S VOICE
Selina, about that Christmas
getaway we planned? I'll be going
alone. Doctor Shaw says I need to
be my own person now, and not an
appendage.
SELINA
(scoffs)
Some appendage.
As she fast forwards:
SELINA
The party never stops on Selina
Kyle's answering machine ... Guess
I should've let him win that last
racquetball game.
Onto the next message:
GRUFF WOMAN
Selina ... We've missed you at the
rape prevention class ... It's not
enough to master martial arts. Hey,
Elvis knew those moves, and he died
fat. You must stop seeing yourself
as a vict--
Onward. Miss Kitty compassionately snuggles beside her,
as:
SELINA'S OWN VOICE
Hi, Selina, this is yourself
calling. To remind you, honey,
that you have to come all the way
back to the office unless you
remembered to bring home the Bruce
Wayne file, because the meeting's
on Wednesday and Max Slavemaster
will freak if every pertinent fact
is not at your lovely tapered
fingertips.
Selina fires her stun gun at the answering machine, jolt-
ing it off. Again, she slaps her forehead with her hand.
Then goes to her closet, puts her coat back on. As she
exits:
SELINA
The file! You stupid corn dog.
Corn dog. Deep fried! Corn dog ...
EXT. THE OLD GOTHAM ZOO--NIGHT
The viewer is suddenly wafting over the creepy panorama
of an abandoned Zoo Expo Area.
We whoosh downward to a DECREPIT "ARCTIC WORLD" PAVILION,
and through its Colossal, cracked Observation window.
INT. PENGUIN'S LAIR--NIGHT
We continue to squirm down the walls of the lair where
Penguin found his home, before settling to a tight glimpse
of Max Shreck slumped over the edge of a block of ice.
Max teeters up into consciousness, glancing to his side
to see a grand Emperor Penguin curiously staring at him.
Max yelps. The Penguin yelps back.
Calming himself, Max turns to face forward, then screams
again. The block of ice is revealed to be a strange con-
ference table populated by the Red Triangle Circus Gang,
including: a disturbingly Ratty Poodle and its matching
owner, a Ratty POODLE LADY; the Organ Grinder and his two
monkeys; the Tattooed Strongman; the Sword Swallower; the
Knifethrowing Dame; the Fat and Thin Clowns; the three
Stiltwalkers; Flame, the Snakewoman; and four ND acrobats.
An awesome, SEEDY ELECTRICAL GENERATOR wires to a massive
air conditioner, wheezes sparks with a malevolent hum.
The gang's snickering now fades into respectful silence.
Actual penguins of every size heedlessly horseplay in
the icy moat. Now we hear the sound of a drip. Max
turns...The drip is seen thudding against an umbrella
improbably held by one of the penguins. As he emerges
from the pack, we see that he wears a grimy coat. Then
he flaps down his umbrella, revealing his face for the
first time in glory. It is not a penguin but The Penguin.
PENGUIN
Hi.
Max launches into a face-contorting wail, but his shock
prevents him from emitting actual sound. He closes his
mouth then tries another Munchesque wail to no aural effect.
PENGUIN
I believe the word you're looking
for is...A-A-A-A-A-G-H-!
Then:
PENGUIN
Actually this is all just a bad
dream. You're home in bed.
Heavily sedated, resting
comfortably, and dying from the
carcinogens you've personally
spewed in a lifetime of profiteering.
Tragic irony or poetic justice?
You tell me.
MAX
My god ... it's true. The Penguin-
Man of the sewers ... Please, don't h--
PENGUIN
Quiet, Max. What do you think,
this is a conversation?
Max shuts right up. Penguin idly "tries out" his little
umbrella -- it spits fire. Satisfied, he sets it down.
PENGUIN
We have something in common, we
two ... We're both perceived as
monsters. But, somehow, you're a
well-respected monster, and I am...
to date... not.
There is a small arsenal of umbrellas at his feet. He
picks up another one: it shoots knives.
MAX
(mustering courage)
Frankly I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman. Tough, yes.
Shrewd, okay. But that doesn't
make me a mon--
Penguin cuts him off with a CACKLE.
PENGUIN
Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I
know all about you. What you hide,
I discover. What you put in your
toilet, I place on my mantlepiece.
Get the picture?
Penguin is playing with a third umbrella. He begins to
twirl it at Max -- it's got a bright spiral pattern, like
one of those cheesy "hypno-disks" from the backs of
comic books.
MAX
What, is that supposed to
"hypnotize" me?
PENGUIN
No, just give you a splitting
headache.
MAX
Well it's not working.
Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max -- a DEAFENING
gunshot. Max flies back in horror: Am I hit?
PENGUIN
You big baby! Just blanks. Would
I go to all this trouble tonight
just to kill you? No, I have an
entirely "other" purpose.
Suddenly Penguin is solemn, subdued -- is that a tear in
his eye?
PENGUIN
I'm ready, Max. I've been
lingering down here too long. I'm
starting to like the smell ... bad
sign. It's high time for me to
ascend. To re-emerge. With your
help, your know-how, your savvy,
your acumen. I wasn't born in the
sewer, you know. I come from ...
He looks up, at a place far above the sewers.
PENGUIN
Like you. And, like you, I want
some respect ... a recognition of
my basic humanity ... an occasional
breeze ...
Even the Circus Gang looks touched. Max stays poker-
faced.
PENGUIN
Most of all, I want to find out who
I am. By finding my parents.
Learning my "human" name. Simple
stuff that the good people of
Gotham take for granted.
MAX
(boy, is he tough)
And exactly why am I gonna help
you?
On cue, one of the Carny Creeps hands Penguin a grimy
Christmas stocking with "Max" disturbingly stitched on it.
PENGUIN
Well, let's start with a batch of
toxic waste from your "clean"
textile plant. There's a whole
lagoon of this crud, in the back...
He pulls a rusty thermos from the stocking and, from the
thermos, pours some goo onto the tabletop, which sizzles.
MAX
Yawn. That coulda come from anywhere.
PENGUIN
What about the documents that prove
you own half the firetraps in Gotham?
MAX
If there were such documents -- and
that is not an admission -- I would
have seen to it they were shredded.
Another Carny Goon hands over a sheaf of papers -- they've
been shredded, but carefully placed together with tape.
PENGUIN
A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference. By the way,
how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
MAX
(rattled)
Fred. Fred? He's ... actually he's
been on an extended vacation, and --
From under the table, Penguin pulls out a discolored human
hand and happily waves it at a whitened Max.
PENGUIN
(ventriloquist)
Hi, Max. Remember me? I'm Fred's
hand.
(leans forward)
Want to greet any other body parts?
Or stroll down memory lane, with
torn-up kinky Polaroids? Failed
urine tests? Remember, Max ...
You flush it, I flaunt it.
Max sits here -- chastened, thoughtful, considering all
the incriminating evidence before him. Now he manages
a smile.
MAX
You know what, Mr. ... Penguin-Sir?
I think perhaps I could help
orchestrate a little welcome-home
scenario for you. And once we're
both back home, perhaps we can
help each other out ...
PENGUIN
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
He puts out a hand. Max shakes. Penguin abruptly pulls
his flipper away, leaving Max holding "Fred"'s severed
paw.
The Carny Crew booms in laughter. Max offers a weak giggle.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA - NEXT DAY
The Mayor, accompanied by TV news-cams, grimly tours the
scene of last night's rampage. Accompanied by his Wife,
holding their BABY (great photo op) and an appropriately
solemn Max.
MAYOR
(to reporters)
I tell you this, not just as an
official, but as a husband and
father ... last night's eruption
of lawlessness will never hap--
Suddenly from behind the ravaged Tree, an ACROBAT-THUG
somersaults at the Mayor's Wife, and snatches the Baby!
Then leaps onto the platform and holds the baby up, like
an Oscar.
ACROBAT-THUG
I'm not one for speeches, so I'll
just say "Thanks".
The Mayor lunges for the attacker and gets pivot-kicked
to the ground. The THUG races through a frightened crowd --
-- and falls into an open manhole. As bystanders gather,
and try to peer into the darkness below, we HEAR:
THUG'S VOICE
Hey! Oww!
Now the THUMPS of somebody taking a merciless pounding.
And the SCREAMS of the Thug. Now he comes scrambling out
of the manhole, dazed and empty-handed ... and madly
dashes away ...
Next, amid cries of "Stand back!" and "My God, look!" the
bystanders back off, revealing the spectacle of the
Mayor's tiny child levitating -- as if by magic -- from
the depths of purgatory. But no, it's not magic ...
it's ... Penguin! He holds the babe aloft in one yucky
but powerful flipper.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT
Alfred is standing on a stepladder attaching ornaments to a
Christmas tree, but finding his attention claimed by the TV.
Bruce is sitting on the couch, also entranced by the lead
item on the local news.
TV ANCHORMAN'S VOICE
This morning's miracle... Gotham
will never forget.
INSERT - TV SCREEN
The rest of the scene in Gotham Plaza plays out on video:
Now Penguin is fully out above the pavement, so we can
see how he'd miraculously floated up ... on a big Rubber
Duck attached to a tall scissor-lift. As CAMERA ZOOMS
IN:
ANCHORMAN'S VOICE
That's him: The shadowy, much
rumored penguin-man of the sewers,
arisen. Until today, he'd been
another tabloid myth, alongside
the Abominable Snowman and the Loch
Ness Monster ...
The Mayor's wife snatches up her baby in tears. Then,
fighting nausea, she embraces the modest, abashed
Penguin -- whose eyes heartbreakingly blink in the
unaccustomed light.
ANCHORMAN'S VOICE
But now this odd little man-beast
can proudly stand tall, alongside
our own legendary Batman.
The Mayor tries to shake Penguin's hand ... but somehow
Max Shreck is standing between them, patting Penguin's
back.
ANCHORMAN'S VOICE
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck,
had been on a fact-finding mission in
Gotham Plaza...
Shreck whispers something in Penguin's pointy little ear
-- c'mon, you're a hero, it's your moment. Embarrassed,
but -- aw, what the hell -- Penguin takes a little bow.
Gotham Plaza erupts. "Joy To The World" PEALS over the
PA.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bruce and Alfred are both frozen (Alfred's arm
outstretched to the tree, ornament dangling). Both still
staring, at:
INSERT - TV SCREEN
Penguin is in Gotham Plaza, doing a live interview.
Shabby but proud in his tattered cloak, shielding his eyes
with a small, touchingly frayed umbrella from the glare of
the studio lights. He haltingly, earnestly tells CAMERA:
PENGUIN
All I want in return ... is the
chance to ... to find my folks.
Find out who they are ... and,
thusly, who I am ... and then,
with my parents, just ... try to
understand why ... why they did
what I guess they felt they had
to do, to a child who was born
looking a little ... different.
A child who spent his first
Christmas, and many since, in a
sewer.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Alfred is back to trimming the tree. But Bruce still
stares at the TV screen. Presently:
ALFRED
Mr. Wayne ... Something wrong?
BRUCE
No, nothing, ah ...
(pause)
His parents ... I ... I hope he
finds them.
Alfred murmurs his agreement: that would be nice.
HOLD ON BRUCE as he continues to scrutinize the image of
the Penguin, on the screen...
EXT. HALL OF RECORDS - NEXT DAY
Press Photographers jostle to snap photos through the
windows of the baroque old building. Frustrated Journal-
ists, barred from the building by a row of Cops, inter-
view each other.
JOURNALIST 1
Whattaya think he'll do to his mom
and dad, when he finds 'em?
JOURNALIST 2
(stupid question)
What would you do to your mom and pa,
if they flushed you down the poop-
chute?
An AGGRESSIVE REPORTER tries to sneak in through a side
entrance. He's grabbed by two Shreck Security GUARDS.
GUARD 1
(escorting him off)
Mr. Penguin is not to be disturbed.
AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
(professional outrage)
The Hall of Records is a public
place! You're violating the First
Amendment, abridging the freedom
off the press --!
Suddenly Max Shreck is standing here, surrounded by a
posse of his own sympathetic reporters, who jot down every
pearl.
MAX
What about the freedom to rediscover
your roots, with dignity, with privacy?
AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
What's the deal, Mr. Shreck? Is
the Penguin a personal friend --?
He thrusts his tape-recorder at Max's mouth. Shreck
smiles.
MAX
Yes he's a personal friend. Of this
whole city. So have a heart, buddy.
He flicks off the reporter's Record button.
MAX
And give the Constitution a rest,
okay? It's Christmas.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS - DAY
We find Penguin alone in the vast, silent Main Hall.
Seated at an enormous table. Surrounded by files marked
"Birth Certificates" ... hundreds of thousands of birth
records of Gotham's citizens, past and present ...
... and Penguin is patiently checking each certificate,
"thumbing" through them all with his slimy left flipper...
His right flipper is wrapped around a pen. Every so
often, Penguin pauses, then jots down another name, on a
legal pad. So singleminded in his search, he doesn't hear
the muffled CRIES of his name, through the windows, from
reporters ...
DISSOLVE. It's night now. A cloak of DARKNESS through
the oversized windows ... even the press has gone home ...
but Penguin is still here, he hasn't budged.
Still methodically "flipping" through all those birth
certificates ... and still jotting down names ... male
names, boy names ... on a legal pad. He's filled many
pads by now -- a tall stack of them.
By the eerie light of a single table-lamp, he keeps
writing.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET - NIGHT
The Batmobile sleekly cruises down a deserted street.
INT. BATMOBILE (MOVING) - NIGHT
As Batman drives, Alfred's face comes on a screen inside
the Batmobile.
ALFRED
The city's been noticeably quiet
since the thwarted baby-napping
... yet still you patrol. What
about eating? Sleeping? You
won't be much good to anyone else
if you don't look after yourself.
BATMAN
The Red Triangle Circus Gang ...
they're jackals, Alfred. They
hunt in packs, at night --
ALFRED
Are you concerned about that
strange, heroic Penguin person?
Batman scoffs -- then glances out the window, at:
THE HALL OF RECORDS
Surprise, that's where he's cruising.
The one light inside still burns, throwing a long shadow
of the strange, hunched-over Penguin -- at his desk,
resolutely doing his research.
In front of the building are a Shreck Guard and a Police-
man. Both slumped on the front stairs, both snoozing.
INT. BATMOBILE - LATE NIGHT
As Batman drives around the Hall, checking the silent
street for trouble, then surveying the single lit window,
again:
BATMAN
(ambiguous)
Funny you should ask, Alfred.
Maybe I am a bit concerned.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
A MOB of PRESS, MORBID CURIOSITY-SEEKERS, even some over-
night PENGUIN-GROUPIES, try to muscle their way into this
grand, well-tended boneyard for the rich and expired.
Gotham's own Forest Lawn, and a flying wedge of the city's
FINEST, arms interlocked, keeps out the rabble, as ...
The Penguin, in threadbare black, waddles past the
manicured headstones to the twin markers etched with the
names Tucker Cobblepot and Esther Cobblepot.
Now, reaching his parents' final resting places, he falls
to his knees -- not very far to go. The plucks two wilted
old roses from his sleeve, and places one upon each plot.
From behind the police barricade, camera motor-drives
WHIRR. Not an instant of this drama is being lost to
posterity. A Penguin groupie faints. Around her, other
girls pick up the cue -- some wail, others swoon.
After a moment of silent contemplation, Penguin rises again.
Mournfully shambles back to the crowded cemetery entrance.
AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
(he's back)
So -- Mr. Penguin --!
PENGUIN
(quiet, tragic dignity)
I have a name. It's Oswald
Cobblepot.
AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
Mr. Cobblepot! You'll never get a
chance to settle up with 'em, huh?
Around him, the crowd gasps in shock at such nerve.
But Penguin doesn't look shocked, merely surprised. As
the flashbulbs flash (Penguin doesn't cringe -- he's
already used to this media mishegas) he pensively twirls
his umbrella and, in a reasonable facsimile of a soft,
sweet squawk:
PENGUIN
True. I was their number one son,
and they treated me like number
two. But it's human nature, to
fear the unusual ... even with all
their education and privilege ...
My dad, a district attorney, mother
active in the DAR ... Perhaps when
I held my Tiffany baby rattle with
a shiny flipper, and not five
chubby digits, they freaked.
(perfect beat)
But I forgive them.
Another ripple through the crowd, of pure love and
devotion.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--THAT EVENING
The Paperboy doesn't have enough tabloids to sell --
they're flying out of his hands. He quotes the banner
headline:
PAPERBOY
Penguin Forgives Parents ... "I'm
Fully At Peace With Myself and the
World ..."
All around him, charmed Gothamites read each other their
fave quotes from the cover story.
GOTHAMITE 1
"... You don't need hands, as long
as you've got heart ..."
GOTHAMITE 2
"... My heart is filled with love.
I feel five feet tall ..."
GOTHAMITE 3
He's like a frog, that became a
prince...
GOTHAMITE 4
No, he's more like a penguin...
We pick up the excahnge of a COUPLE, as they pass:
MAN
Abandoned penguins from the old
Arctic World raised him...
The WOMAN wipes a tear, squeezes his hand, and gushes:
WOMAN
Makes you remember the true
meaning of the holiday. The love,
the giving ...
Forget Christmas shopping ... It's a virtual sea of the
late-city edition. Hot-off-the-presses newspapers
everywhere ...
INT. BATCAVE LABORATORY--SAME TIME
Bruce Wayne is also reading a newspaper. But he's not
holding it and it's not today's issue ...
The newspaper is on microfiche, and it's projected on a
large screen before him. It's old, faded, yellowed ...
Bruce scans the articles and MURMURS, as he scrolls from
one to the next:
BRUCE
" ... Red Triangle Circus put on a
swell show last night, with fierce
lions ..."
He punches in a command, that appears on top of the
screen: CONTINUE SEARCH FOR: Red Triangle. A blur as
back issues whiz by, then another old article appears.
BRUCE
" ... Triangle Circus has returned
for a two-week ... Kids will love ..."
As he searches for the next reference (blurry screen
again), Alfred enters with supper, on a tray.
BRUCE
Thanks, Alfred.
He sips the soup.
BRUCE
It's cold.
ALFRED
It's vichyssoise, sir.
BRUCE
Vichyssoise.
(then)
Supposed to be cold, right?
He returns to his search through the file.
ALFRED
Mr. Wayne. Does the phrase
"Christmas holiday" hold any
resonance for you?
Bruce laughs. Then grabs an interactive CD on his table-
top and lobs it at Alfred like a frisbee.
BRUCE
Listen to yourself, Alfred. Hassling
me, yesterday, in my car.
Alfred dutifully pops the CD in a player, and hears his
own voice, recorded last night in the Batmobile.
ALFRED'S VOICE
What about eating? Sleeping? You
won't be much good to anyone else --
Bruce snaps it off.
BRUCE
I learned to live without a mother
a long time ago, thanks.
Tense, he turns back to the next article, onscreen.
BRUCE
" ... Circus is back, with a freak
show that may not be suitable for
your kids. Featuring a bearded
lady, the world's fattest man, and
an aquatic bird-boy."
He turns to Alfred: what do you make of that? Alfred
shrugs.
ALFRED
Why are you now determined to prove
that this Penguin -- er, Mr. Cobblepot
-- is not what he seems? Must you be
the only lonely "man-beast" in town?
But Bruce is already engrossed in the next article
onscreen.
BRUCE
"... Circus folded its tents
yesterday, perhaps forever. After
numerous reports of missing
children in several towns, police
have closed down the Red Triangle's
fairgrounds. However, at least
one freak show performer vanished
before he could be questioned."
Bruce turns back to Alfred, a strange "smoking-gun" smile
on his face.
ALFRED
I suppose you feel better now, sir.
BRUCE
No, actually I feel worse.
The two men, regard each other -- wordless, worried.
Finally:
ALFRED
Eat up your vichyssoise.
EXT. SHRECK BUILDING--THAT NIGHT
As we BOOM UP to the Executive Suite, we see Selina Kyle
at her desk in the outer office, slaving away.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina makes notes. Now her pen nervously jerks as Max
oozes in, surprising her with a smarmy palm on her
shoulder.
MAX
Working late? I'm touched.
SELINA
(under her breath)
No, I am.
(then, officious)
Yes, I'm boning up for your Bruce
Wayne meeting in the morning. I
pulled all the files on the
proposed power plant, and Mr.
Wayne's hoped-for investment...
I've studied up on all of it ...
I even opened the protected files
and --
Max looks surprised.
MAX
Why, how industrious. And how did
you open protected files, may I
ask?
SELINA
Well I figured that your password
was "Finster." Your Pomeranian.
And it was. And it's all very
interesting, though a bit on the
technical side, I mean about how the
power plant is a power plant in
name only since in fact it's
gonna be one big giant...
Max encourangingly nods: go on. She consults her notes.
SELINA
Big giant capacitor. And that,
instead of generating power it'll
sort of be --
(checks notes again)
-- sucking power, from Gotham City,
and storing it ... stockpiling it,
sort of? Which, unless I'm being
dense, is a novel approach, I'd say.
MAX
And who ... would you say this to?
Selina is suddenly a tad less certain of her position, as
Max lights a match, and sets her notepad afire. She
swallows.
SELINA
Well ... um ... nobody --?
Max drops the charred notepad and moves toward her.
MAX
... Where did curiosity get the cat?
SELINA
I'm no cat. I'm just an assistant.
A secretary --
MAX
And a very, very good one.
SELINA
(a guess)
Too good?
Max nods: You got it, babycakes. Selina backs away.
SELINA
It's our secret. Honest. How can
you be so mean to someone so
meaningless?
MAX
I must protect my interests, Ms.
Kyle. And Interest Number One, is
moi.
Selina is up against the window now, her back to the
pane.
SELINA
(burst of bravado)
Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully
me if it makes you feel big. I mean,
it's not like you can just kill me.
MAX
(almost pitying)
Actually, it's a lot like that.
Tense silence. Then Max smiles. Selina wipes away a
tear.
SELINA
For a second, you really frightened --
Max savagely pushes Selina through the window.
EXT. SHRECK ALLEY--NIGHT
Selina swirls downward through shattering glass and snow-
flakes with tragic beauty.
Her fall is (luckily) slowed by a protruding flagpole
with the smiling Shreck cat logo on its flapping flag.
Then she (luckily) lands in a deep snowdrift.
Her eyes creak open, fuzzily focusing on the happy cat above.
SELINA
(faintly)
Help me ... someone ... Miss Kitty ...
INT. SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Max turns away from the window, stunned by his own
violence. Even more stunned, when he sees:
Chip, who's been standing in the doorway.
MAX
I ... it was terrible, I leaned
over, and accidentally knocked
her, out --
CHIP
(cool)
She jumped. She'd been depressed.
MAX
(beat, then nods)
Yes. Yes. Boyfriend trouble ..?
CHIP
(shakes his head)
PMS.
He turns and walks out. Max watches his son go, seeing
him in an entirely new light.
EXT. SHRECK ALLEY--NIGHT
Miss Kitty, summoned by her desperate owner, now appears
... leading cats of every shape, color and demeanor from
every direction. Selina's cat crawls up onto Selina's
blouse and begins to breathe into her mouth in an eerie
feline C.P.R. ballet.
A Siamese whispers in Selina's ear, aw-so-cute Tabbies
snuggle against the soles of her feet. A scraggly Tom
viciously bites her finger. Selina's eyes fly open.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
Battered, bloodied, and clutching Miss Kitty, Selina
re-enters her apartment. She is the malevolent antidote
to her poignantly pleasant previous self. She stares in
unmoving, but torrid self-contemplation. Then she
explodes into vivid montage:
With a black spray paint can in each hand, Selina attacks
everything pink and eggshell--carpet, couch, wallpaper.
With uncoiled wire coat-hangers, she sets about trans-
forming her Murphy bed into something weird and painful.
She flings her childhood picture off the wall into a
mini-bonfire (that includes her sad Christmas tree) set
up on her kitchen-nook table.
She lustily shoves a stuffed unicorn into her garbage
disposal. The carnage of other ex-cute toy creatures
are spread about.
Miss Kitty races about, purring in delight.
With a sewing needle, Selina repeatedly stabs her doll's
house, annihilating the micro-detailed rooms. In close-up,
the rooms seem to be invaded by a giant silver missile.
Next, with the same needle, we see her stitching together
something slinky, stretchy and black.
Then she assaults her feel-good neon sign. With bare
fists, she punches out the last letter of the first word
and the first letter of the second, turning "HELLO THERE!
into "HELL HERE!"
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--THE NEXT MORNING--DAY
As the sun rises through the windows, Selina sits in a
lotus position on the floor of her very redone apartment.
She is wearing her sinful black hand-sewn cat-suit. She
slides a pristine bowl of milk to her content cat and
speaks in a sultry voice. Her Catwoman voice.
SELINA
I don't know about you, Miss
Kitty, but I feel. So. Much.
Yummier.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--MORNING--DAY
MECHANICS hustle about the tree, trying to fix it.
Bruce Wayne gazes at this hapless exercise, then moves
past the torched Bat merchandising toward the Shreck
building.
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Max and Chip stare, expressionless, out the shattered
office window. Snow has wisped into the office.
MAX
... I hope nothing--I don't know,
"icky" happened to her. Devoured
by stray reindeer, or ... Bruce.
Bruce Wayne has just entered. As he shakes with Max, his
eyes drift to the window.
BRUCE
Hmm. Primitive ventilation.
MAX
Damn those Carny bolsheviks the
other night, throwing bricks at
my windows --
BRUCE
No. No glass on the inside.
MAX
(fidgets)
Weird, huh?
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce sits at the circular conference table. Max paces.
MAX
I'd offer you coffee, but my
assistant is using her vacation time.
BRUCE
Good time, too.
(pointedly)
Everyone but the bandits seem to be
slacking off till after New Years'.
Max aggressively sits knee to knee with Bruce.
MAX
Not sure I like the inference,
Bruce. I'm pushing this power
plant now only because it'll cost
more, later. And a million saved
is a million earned --
Bruce SNAPS open his briefcase, pulls out a bound report.
BRUCE
I commissioned this report.
Thought you should see it.
Ostentatiously bored, Max flips through the thing.
BRUCE
I'll cut to the chase, Max:
Gotham City has a power surplus.
I'm sure you know that. So the
question is: what're you up to?
Max jumps to his feet.
MAX
"A power surplus"!? Bruce, shame
on you -- no such thing! One can
never have too much power.
Chip, standing tall beside his dad, vehemently nods.
MAX
(pious)
If my life has had any meaning,
that's the meaning.
BRUCE
Max, I'm gonna fight you on this.
The Mayor and I have already spoken
and we see eye to eye here. So --
MAX
Mayors come and go. And heirs
tire easily. Really think a
flyweight like you could last
fifteen rounds with Muhammed
Shreck.
BRUCE
I'm not scared of you, Max.
He shuts his briefcase and stands.
BRUCE
Not compared to that "Cobblepot"
person you're promoting...
MAX
(derides)
Scared of Oswald, are you? Why,
if his parents hadn't eighty-
sixed him you two might've been
roomies, at prep school!
BRUCE
"Oswald" is linked to the Red
Triangle Gang. I can't prove it
but we both know it's true.
MAX
Wayne, I'll not stand for mud-
slinging in this office. If my
assistant were here, she'd already
have escorted you out, to --
WOMAN'S VOICE, OS
-- wherever he wants.
Bruce, Max and Chip all turn, to see:
Selina, as she sashays in. Assertively dressed and
coiffed, hand bandaged but head held high.
SELINA
Preferably some nightspot, grotto,
or secluded hideaway ...
(to Bruce)
You look good in a suit.
Recognizing her as the spirited woman he'd stared at in
the plaza, Bruce gives her a warm smile.
MAX
(stunned)
Selina?! Selina ... Selina ...
SELINA
That's my name, Maximillions.
Don't wear it out, babe, or I'll
make you buy me a new one.
MAX
Uh, Selina, this is, uh, Bruce
Wayne.
BRUCE
We've met.
SELINA
Have we?
Bruce realizes his "error."
BRUCE
Sorry. I mistook me for somebody
else.
SELINA
You mean mistook me?
BRUCE
Didn't I say that?
SELINA
(amused)
Yes and no ...
Bruce steps forward. Gently takes her bandaged hand.
BRUCE
What happened?
MAX
Yes, did -- did you injure yourself
on that ski slope? Is that why
you cut short your vacation and
came back?
His steely smile says: answer "yes" or else. Selina
shrugs.
SELINA
Maybe that broken window over there
had something to do with it, or
maybe not, it's blurry ... I mean,
not complete amnesia ... I remember
Sister Mary-Margaret puking in
Church, and Becky Riley said it was
morning sickness.
And I remember the time I forgot
to wear underpants to school, and
the name of the boy who noticed
... Ricky Friedburg, he's dead
now ... But last night? Complete
and total blur.
Max trades looks with Chip. Then:
MAX
Selina... Please show out Mr. Wayne.
INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY
Selina sees Bruce to the elevator. They scope each
other ...
SELINA
You don't seem like the type who
does business with Mr. Shreck.
BRUCE
No. And you don't seem like the
type who takes orders from him.
SELINA
Well that's a ... long story ...
BRUCE
Well, I could ... free up some
time...
SELINA
I'm listed.
BRUCE
I'm tempted.
Selina backs toward the conference room.
SELINA
I'm working.
Bruce backs into the corridor.
BRUCE
I'm leaving.
INT. CORRIDOR--DAY
Bruce punches the down button to punctuate the syllables:
BRUCE
Se-li-na.
The car arrives. He gets in. Suddenly remembers some-
thing. Fights the closing doors, dashes out!
INT. OUTER OFFICE--SAME TIME
Selina stops to spitefully squeeze a few drops of blood
from her injured fingertip into the percolating coffee.
Suddenly she looks up, realizing that Bruce is standing
here. Embarrassed, she jokes:
SELINA
Pouring myself into my work.
BRUCE
(smiles, then)
I, ah ... didn't catch your last
name.
SELINA
Oh. "Kyle."
She mimes making a telephone call.
SELINA
Rhymes with "dial."
Bruce signals: gotcha. Then backs out.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--SAME TIME
As a brooding Max dials out:
CHIP
You buy this "blurry" business?
MAX
(shrugs)
Women... nothing surprises me, Chip.
Excepting your late mother... Who
even knew Selina had a brain to
damage? Bottom line: she tries
to blackmail us, we drop her out
a higher window. Meanwhile I got
badder fish to fry.
(into phone)
Yeah -- Oswald, please.
INT. STOREFRONT OFFICE BUILDING (CAMPAIGN H.Q.)--DAY
A two-story warehouse space with a particularly funky top
floor. A dozen Red Triangle Carny Creeps rough-house on
the filthy loft floor. Others crawl in and out, through
a vent.
Penguin is sitting by an open window, enjoying the brisk
winter air as he reviews his stack of legal pads, cross-
referencing them against a Gotham City White Pages ...
and scribbling down addresses, next to the boys' names ...
The Organ Grinder lofts the phone to Penguin.
ORGAN GRINDER
For you, boss.
PENGUIN
Yeah, what is it? I'm busy up
here?
INT. SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--SAME TIME
Max smiles.
MAX
Good. Stay busy up there.
INT. STOREFRONT OFFICE BLDG.--SAME TIME
As Max continues, VO, we slowly BOOM DOWN to the GROUND
FLOOR. A far shinier, spiffier, classier, freshly-
painted space ...
MAX'S VOICE
I got plans for us, below.
A lone Volunteer tapes red, white and blue bunting around
the perimeter of the room. Bunting never looked so ominous.
QUICKLY BOOM BACK UP to the funky top floor.
PENGUIN
(distracted)
"Plans." Swell. Later.
He slams down the receiver. Then goes back to the phone
book, and his list ...
EXT. ANOTHER ALLEY--NIGHT
where a relatively normal-looking MUGGER slaps his hand
over a FEMALE VICTIM's mouth and rummages into her purse.
FEMALE VICTIM
Help Bat--
MUGGER
Now-now, pretty young thing, nice
and easy...
FEMALE VICTIM
Please, don't hurt me, I'll do
anything...
Suddenly the mugger squeals in pain -- his hand is
yanked out of the purse by a stinging whip that's
wrapped around his wrist.
With a screech, Catwoman suddenly lands around the
mugger's neck, twisting him down in a brutal tackle.
CATWOMAN
I just love a big strong man who's
not afraid to show it, with
someone half his size.
MUGGER
Who the...
Catwoman smiles politely, and puts away her whip.
CATWOMAN
Be gentle, it's my first time.
The Mugger charges up at Catwoman, who savagely Rockettes
him back, gasping with fixed-the-toaster-by-myself delight.
Then a flurry of talon scratches across his face that sends
him squealing to the asphalt.
CATWOMAN
Tic....Tac....Toe.
FEMALE VICTIM
(rushing up)
Thank you, thank you, I was so
scared...
Catwoman swats the Female Victim back against a wall.
CATWOMAN
You make it so easy, don't you --
you pretty, pathetic young thing?
Always waiting for some Batman to
save you.
The Female Victim is quaking, mouth twitching in fear ...
As Catwoman leans forward, Victim cringes, expecting the
worst. But Catwoman throatily whispers into the Female
Victim's ear:
CATWOMAN
"I'm Catwoman, hear me roar."
Then gaily cartwheels out of the alley, into the night.
INT. STOREFRONT OFFICE BLDG. (CAMPAIGN H.Q.)--NEXT DAY
The Strongman pumps iron, rippling the bellydancers
tattooed on his biceps. An acrobat walks on his hands
across the filthy floor, past ...
Max, walking Penguin down the stairs, one hand over his
protegee's slitted eyes.
MAX
Don't look, Oswald. It's a
surprise.
PENGUIN
A big bag of fan mail? Filthy
lucre? Wait don't tell me ... Is
it a broad?
We follow them down to the spiffy ground floor storefront.
INT. CAMPAIGN H.Q.--DAY
Max lifts his palm off Penguin's puss.
MAX
Ta-da.
Penguin's eyes pop. We reveal the storefront (the window
is draped for secrecy) as Cobblepot For Mayor campaign
headquarters! Bunting, balloons, posters proclaiming Ozzie
vs. the Insiders, desks, MacIntoshes, and fresh-scrubbed
college-kid Volunteers.
Who now burst into CHEERS and APPLAUSE for a speechless
Penguin. Under all that ruckus.
PENGUIN
Bu ... wh ... I ... I mean ...
MAX
Yes, adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows I know. But someone's
got to supplant our standing-in-
the-way-of-progress Mayor and
don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot, you've
got the magic!
PENGUIN
Max, elections happen in November.
Is this not late December, or have
I inhaled too much swamp gas in my
time?
Suddenly, a stylish, slick and instantly loathsome pair pop
out of nowhere, bedecked with accessories -- JOSH and JEN.
JOSH
Keep the umbrella! Works for you!
I'm Josh. Here! Reclaim your
birthright!
He sticks a gold cigarette holder in Penguin's mouth. As
they flutter around him, Penguin instinctively fidgets.
JEN
I'm Jen. Stand still while I slip
on these little glove-thingies ...
She's tugging cute stuffed Mickey Mouse-y gloves over the
Penguin's fingers, and trying to suppress her gag reflex.
JEN
Our research tells us that voters
like fingers.
Josh, meantime, queasily fingers Penguin's tattered
clothes. Then flashes a "we've got a ways to go"
grimace, at Max.
JOSH
Not a lot of reflective surfaces
down in that sewer, huh?
Jen chuckles. Penguin joins in the laughter. The
Volunteers laugh, too.
PENGUIN
Still, could be worse. My nose
could be gushing blood.
JOSH
(frankly confused)
Your nose could ... what do you ...
Penguin suddenly -- viciously -- chomps on Josh's cute
snout. The Volunteers GASP.
MAX
Enough! Everyone ...
While Josh faints, in b.g., Max leads Penguin away to a
quiet corner. And confides:
MAX
You're right, we missed the
regularly scheduled election. But
elected officials can be recalled,
impeached, given the boot! Think
of Nixon, Meacham, Barry ... Then
think of you, Oswald Cobblepot,
filling the void.
Penguin nods. He's thinking about something quite like
that.
PENGUIN
Me and that "Jen" chick... maybe
we could take a tumble...
He furtively glances over at Jen, swabbing Josh's blood.
PENGUIN
Wonder if it's worth my time.
MAX
We need signatures. To overturn the
ballot. I can supply those, Oswald.
PENGUIN
I could teach her my "French
flipper" trick...
MAX
Oswald: We need one more thing.
PENGUIN
(snapping out of it)
A platform? Lemme see ... Stop
global warming. Start global
cooling. Make the world a colder
place. Frigid ...
MAX
That's fine, Oswald. But to get
the Mayor recalled, we still need
a catalyst, a trigger, an incident.
Like the Reichstag fire, the Gulf
of Tonkin.
PENGUIN
"You're doin' great, Mayor
Cobblepot." "Your table is ready,
Mayor Cobblepot." "I need you,
Oswald. I need you now. That's
the biggest parasol I ever --"
Suddenly Max's words sink in. Penguin points at the ceiling.
PENGUIN
Ah. You want those lawless,
mindless, homicidal imbeciles up
there ... you want my old friends
... want them to humiliate the
powers that be. Drive the Mayor
into a foaming frenzy. You want
my hideous cohorts to go haywire.
Max smiles.
MAX
Precisely. But they must come and
go via the plumbing ducts that I've
provided. That shall be as sacred
as the separation between church
and state.
PENGUIN
... Want 'em to go apeshit. Nutso.
Ballistic ... Do permanent damage
to little old ladies. Loot, pillage,
annoy people in a big way ...
(muses)
Sounds fun. But I ...
Max looks at him: but you what? An evil shadow falls
over Penguin's face. We DRIFT IN on his slitted eyes, as:
PENGUIN
I got my own ... quest to pursue
up here. It's crucial I not get
sidetracked, with some silly ...
MAX
Sidetracked? Oswald, this is
your chance to fulfill a destiny
that your parents carelessly
discarded ...
PENGUIN
(puffing up)
Reclaim my birthright, y'mean?
MAX
(nods)
Imagine: You'll have the ear of
the media. Access to captains
of industry. Unlimited poon-
tang ...
Penguin quickly decides.
PENGUIN
I wanna be the Mayor. I wanna be
the Mayor of Gotham City ...
Then looks out at the city. And makes a benediction:
PENGUIN
Burn, baby, burn.
EXT. ANOTHER GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
Wearing protective goggles, the ORGAN GRINDER twists out
some music as his monkeys dance. Then nges down on
his Organ Box causing an Insta-Teller machine to explode.
His monkeys hop up to snatch flaming cash.
ORGAN GRINDER
All this dough... it's burning a
hole in my pocket!
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--NIGHT
Upstairs. Penguin stands by the open window, watching
the destruction, his face lit by the flames outside as
he HEARS updates from a fat Clown, his ear against a
radio.
FAT CLOWN
The Ice Rink was torched!
(then)
The 12th Precinct reports
offensive graffiti and a pharmacy
heist!
Penguin makes a fist, with phony fingers.
PENGUIN
Love to get my flippers dirty.
Bust someone's skull. Eat someone's
pet ...
(then, a statesman)
But action must be balanced with
discretion ...
He moves back to his desk. Resumes writing.
As we MOVE IN on Penguin, we reveal that he's adding new
addresses, to his mysterious list...
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--NIGHT
Selina looks out almost longingly at the unfolding
apocalypse below. Suddenly Miss Kitty leaps onto the sill
and then out the open window. Inspired, Selina jumps up
and goes for her Catwoman garb. As she effects a quick
change:
SELINA
An orgy of sex and violence? Count
me in, Miss Kitty.
She crawls cat-like through the narrow gap, onto the ledge.
SELINA
It's the purr-fect cover, for
the purr-fect crime.
EXT. ANOTHER GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The Knifethrower Dame axes down a store door. Other
gang members pound DEFENSELESS VICTIMS. All suddenly
turn TO CAMERA -- to Batman.
Batman reaches into his bat-belt and pulls out what looks
like a sleek black Gameboy. As if bored on a plane,
batman casually punches in a set of white dots and one
red one. The Knifethrower Dame rockets a blade into his
Bat-chest plate. Batman keeps punching in dots.
With a simultaneous howl, the band of thugs charge at
Batman from every direction. Batman presses a button on
his Gameboy that causes batarang arms to sprout out.
Batman heaves the super-batarang.
The super-batarang whizzes with wild concentration, pin-
balling from Creep skull to Creep skull, slamming them
all, including a lunging gang member behind Batman, to
the ground.
But now, as it wobbles back to Batman, the Ratty Poodle
leaps up and snatches the batarang in his rotten teeth.
The Poodle, led by the Poodle Lady, scurries off.
Before Batman can give chase, the Raggedy Sword-Swallower
leaps out at him. Batman gives him a strategic elbow to
the ribs and pulls the sword from his mouth. A Thin
Clown with a bomb strapped to his chest pops out next.
THIN CLOWN
I'll blow up this whole --
Batman lashes out with the sword and shears the bomb from
the Thin Clown's chest.
Batman catches the bomb, then slams the Clown to the
ground with the back of the sword. Flinging away the
sword, Batman goes searching for his super-batarang.
EXT. SHRECK'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman saunters up to the door of a closed Shreck's
department store and punctures the Shreck Kitten logo on
the glass, with her talons.
INT. DARKENED DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman dashes down an aisle, shredding the priceless
blouses of a gauntlet of pouting mannequins. She twists
up the volume on a stereo, blasting cool jazz. She
stamps atop a jewelry case in a girlish tantrum.
CATWOMAN
Oh, for me? You shouldn't have...
At the sound of shattering, a PAIR OF SECURITY GUARDS
round a corner to see Catwoman now merrily bouncing on
a trampoline in Physical Fitness.
From Catwoman's rising and falling POV, the Security Men
gasp up.
SECURITY ONE
Who is she? What is she?
SECURITY TWO
I don't know whether to shoot or
fall in love.
CATWOMAN
You poor guys ... always confusing
your pistols with your privates ...
The Guards have unholstered. Before they can fire,
Catwoman swooshes down, thrashing them to the ground.
Then cartwheels to a wall tile that she bashes open,
revealing a propane tank behind it. She talons off a
hose, letting gas hiss away ...
GUARD 1
Don't hurt us! Our take-home is
under three-hundred.
CATWOMAN
You're overpaid. Hit the road.
The Guards have already taken off running as Catwoman
skips over to Car-Care, gathers up a handful of aerosol
cans ... then saunters down to Today's Kitchen, and shoves
the cans into a row of microwave ovens. Giddily BEEPS
them all ON.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The Tattooed Strongman swaggers out from a patch of smoke
behind Batman and looses a savage kidney punch. Batman
painfully reels forward, keeping balance.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
Before I kill you, I let you hit
me. Hit me. Come on, hit as hard
as you can. I need a good laugh.
Batman punches the Strongman's stomach. The Tattooed
leviathan roars with laughter.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
You call that a...
The Tattooed Strongman stops laughing when he looks down
and sees that Batman has attached the Thin Clown's bomb
to the Not-so-Strongman's leopard skin. Batman gives him
a calm, firm push into an open manhole.
An explosion geysers out of it. Batman turns from the
blast at the precise moment Penguin meanders out of the
darkness, casually shaking debris off his umbrella. They
stop dead at the sight of each other.
BATMAN
Admiring your handiwork?
PENGUIN
Touring the riot scene. Gravely
assessing the devastation.
Upstanding mayor stuff.
BATMAN
You're not the Mayor.
PENGUIN
(shrugs)
Things change.
(sticks out a
glove)
Hey, good to meet you. We'll be
working hand in glove in Gotham's
glorious future.
Batman doesn't shake. Instead he gestures at the plumes
of smoke all around the plaza.
BATMAN
Once you were their freak, now
these clowns do your bidding.
Must feel pretty good.
PENGUIN
Better than you know, Bat-boy.
BATMAN
What're you really after?
PENGUIN
Ah, the direct approach. I admire
that in a man with a mask. But
you don't really think you'll ever
win, playing it your way ..?
BATMAN
(cold smile)
Things change.
Penguin is fashioning a retort, when both men suddenly
turn, mesmerized, to the sight of Catwoman coming toward
them from out of Shreck's department store, startling
back flip by startling back flip. She does a final
somersault and lands on her feet, ten yards away.
CATWOMAN
(dry enunciation)
Meow.
The department store behind her goes up with a glowing
roar. Batman and Penguin are knocked back. Both men
quickly regain their balance. But neither can speak,
right away. Presently:
PENGUIN
I saw her first.
(then, opens
umbrella)
Gotta fly.
The steel rods of Penguin's umbrella spin out of control,
shredding off the black cloth and turning into a mini-
helicopter that lifts Penguin off the ground.
Meantime Batman catches sight of Catwoman scaling the
ridges of a Plaza building.
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Batman storms up the last of the fire escape and passes
Catwoman, curled atop a rooftop power shack. When she
speaks, Batman turns to see her slink down. Disarming
patches of flesh are revealed all over her battle-ripped
outfit.
CATWOMAN
Where's the fire?
BATMAN
"Shreck's." You --
Catwoman launches a brutal kick in Batman's face. Batman
vibrates back a few steps, then comes forward and slams
Catwoman into a whimpering ball. She looks up, shocked.
CATWOMAN
How could you? I'm a woman...
BATMAN
(suddenly taken
aback)
I'm -- sorry, I --
Catwoman spins, pounding Batman off the ledge. Then
lashes out her whip, coiling it around Batman's flapping
arm. With both hands, she jerks him up. Lashes her end
of the whip to a weather vane.
CATWOMAN
As I was saying: I'm a woman, and
can't be taken for granted. Are
you listening, you Batman you?
BATMAN
(grimaces)
Hanging on every word.
CATWOMAN
Good joke. Wanna hear another one?
Batman nods: Lay it on me.
CATWOMAN
The world tells boys to conquer the
world, and girls to wear clean
panties. A man dressed as a bat
is a he-man, but a woman dressed
as a cat is a she-devil. I'm just
living down to my expectations.
Life's a bitch -- now so am I.
She runs her talons over the whip-lifeline. Meantime
with his free arm, Batman reaches into his bat belt and
pulls out a plastic mini-test tube with a blue fluid on
top, red fluid on the bottom, separated by a thin barrier.
BATMAN
A "he-man"? Sure. They shine
that beacon in the sky, then wonder
what hole I crawl out of.
CATWOMAN
Wow, a real response and you're
not even trying to get into my tights.
But explain me ... If you're
so down on "them" out there, why
bust your bat-buns to protect 'em?
BATMAN
I just can't sleep at night.
Exploding department stores keep
me up. One ...
He snaps the tube. As the blue seeps into the red and
the tube slowly glows purple ...
CATWOMAN
I can't sleep either, lately. A
little link, between us. But
bottom line baby, you live to
preserve the peace, and I'm dying
to disturb it. That could put a
strain on our relationship.
BATMAN
...four, five.
He lobs the now-bubbling tube as Catwoman starts to sever
the whip. The mixture explodes against her forearm. She
SHRIEKS like a dying cat and soars down onto the next
ledge, barely.
Batman leaps down, to her. Her talons frantically claw
and scratch as she tries not to plummet. Batman grabs
her, pulls her up -- for a moment, they're embracing.
CATWOMAN
Who are you? Who's the man behind
the bat? Maybe he can help me
find the woman behind the Cat.
(pressing armor)
That's not him ... Ah, here you
are ...
Her talons poise at the edge of Batman's armor, just above
the waist. Suddenly Catwoman thrusts. Batman ROARS with
pain and fiercely swats Catwoman away -- off the building!
BATMAN
-- No --
He watches in shock as her body hurtles toward the ground.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
But at the last minute, from out of nowhere, a dumptruck
filled with sand passes, and Catwoman lands in a soft dune.
EXT. TRUCK (MOVING)--NIGHT
As the truck motors off, Catwoman waves a paw up at
Batman. Then murmurs, as she cozily rolls around in the
sand:
CATWOMAN
Saved by kitty-litter. Some
date ...
Then, lit by a streetlamp, she tears up her sleeve to
study the nasty injury Batman dealt her.
CATWOMAN
So it's not a corsage. But a
burn lasts so much longer. The
bastard.
INT. THE BAT CAVE--NIGHT--LATER
Batman, disrobing, checks the puncture wounds on his
stomach.
BATMAN
The bitch.
Then he buzzes for his butler.
BATMAN
Alfred ... Would you bring me some
antiseptic ointment, please?
ALFRED'S VOICE
Coming ... Are you hurt?
BATMAN
My ego, mostly.
He signs off. Then lightly rubs the wound ... and
murmurs:
BATMAN
... Meow.
INT. SHRECK OUTER OFFICE--NEXT DAY
Selina sits at her desk. The old Post-its are now
replaced. The new ones read "Defy Authority," "Take No
Prisoners" and "Expose The Horror." A buzzing fly
distracts her as she works ... without looking up, her
hand nails the little pest with feline precision. With
her other hand she grabs a carton of lowfat milk. Then
impatiently stands ...
INT. SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Selina saunters in, with coffee. Chip, seeing her, sits
up ramrod-straight.
SELINA
Morning, Max. Bummer about the
store. You insured?
MAX
I damn well better be. In fact I
want you to phone those goniffs
over at Gotham Insurance and tell
them --
SELINA
Actually I have to split. Take
a "personal day." You don't mind?
Max, you're tops.
Max nods -- sure, sure -- then sips his coffee. And
spits a live cockroach from his mouth!
Both Max and Chip GAG as it crawls across the table.
SELINA
Those darned exterminators. They
swore the machine was ship-shape.
With that she turns, and saunters out.
EXT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--NOON
After last night's rampage, the curtain has come off the
window, revealing the storefront as the nucleus of a new
political movement. Twin banners read: "Oswald Means
Order" and "Cobblepot Can Clean It Up."
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--NOON
The room is crowded with Press and Volunteers, who
surround Penguin (cooled by a fan) as he pontificates ...
PENGUIN
I may have saved the Mayor's baby,
but I refuse to save a Mayor who
stood by, helpless as a baby,
while a band of hooligans flushed
our fair city down the tubes of
debauchery, devastation --
ANGLE--AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
One one of the pay phones in back. Other reporters call
in stories to their editors as Penguin RAGES in b.g.
AGGRESSIVE REPORTER
Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery
man-beast who's been delighting
Gotham, today made his bid to
deliver Gotham ... from ruffians
who've run riot, and from a Mayor
he's called "impotent, inept ..."
BACK TO PENGUIN
As he concludes his exhortation to the throng:
PENGUIN
... inept, indecisive, and ... and
too tall. We don't need a tall
man to run this town. The bigger
they are, the harder they fall.
We need a ... compact man who carries
a big umbrella. Thank you, all.
Puffing from the APPLAUSE, he heads for the stairs and
passes an adoring young Volunteer Bimbo.
VOLUNTEER BIMBO
Mr. Cobblepot, you're the coolest
role model a young person could have ...
PENGUIN
(raw lust)
And you're the hottest young person
a role model could have. Here,
wear a button.
Penguin fondles and fumbles a campaign button onto the
pert breast of the starry-eyed Bimbo.
Then, as he struts upstairs:
PENGUIN
I could really get into this Mayor
stuff. It's not about power, it's
about ... reaching people.
Touching people. Groping people ...
INT. CAMPAIGN H.Q. UPPER STORY--AFTERNOON
In sordid contrast to the gleaming h.q. below. The
Organ Grinder supervises construction of various arcane
weaponry. As Penguin enters, the Fat Clown pops in his
face.
FAT CLOWN
Hey Penguin, there's a --
Penguin savagely stomps on the Clown's oversized shoe.
PENGUIN
My name's not Penguin! It's
Oswald Cobblepot!
He continues on, still musing:
PENGUIN
Hell, maybe I'll get laid on the
campaign trail ... Happy Trails ...
The KNIFETHROWER DAME blocks his path.
KNIFETHROWER DAME
Oswald ... someone here to see
you.
She nods at Penguin's bed, in the corner. He lights up
as he sees Catwoman, sexily curled up on the mattress.
(Hanging above is a birdcage, where Penguin's filthy
CANARY intermittently SHRIEKS.)
PENGUIN
(throaty squawk)
Just the pussy I been looking for.
Catwoman sits up, languidly stroking her shoulders.
CATWOMAN
Chilly in here.
In fact there are twin air conditioners, on adjacent
walls, both aimed at the bed and going full blast.
PENGUIN
I'll warm ya! I got hot mitts --!
CATWOMAN
Down, Oswald. We have to talk. You
see we've got something in common.
PENGUIN
Appetite for destruction?
Contempt for the czars of fashion?
Wait don't tell me ... Naked
sexual charisma?
CATWOMAN
Batman. The thorn in both our
sides, the fly in our ointment.
PENGUIN
(cagey)
Huh? You're implying I'm some
kinda psycho criminal?
Catwoman ironically takes in the sociopathic chaos. Then
stands.
CATWOMAN
My mistake.
Penguin sits her back down.
PENGUIN
Are you perchance a registered
voter? I'm also a mayoral
prospect.
CATWOMAN
I have but one pet cause, today:
Ban The Bat.
PENGUIN
Oh, him again. He's already
history -- check it out.
Penguin gestures at the wall ... detailed drawings and
blueprints of the Batmobile, inside and out.
PENGUIN
We're gonna disassemble his spiffy
old Batmobile, then reassemble it
as an H-bomb on wheels. Capiche?
Yesterday's victor is tomorrow's
vapor.
CATWOMAN
(shakes her head)
He'd have more power as a martyr.
No, to destroy Batman we must
first turn him into what he hates
most. Meaning, us.
There's an array of closed umbrellas, propped. Penguin
picks a disturbingly phallic one, strokes Catwoman's
thigh with it.
PENGUIN
Y'mean frame him?
CATWOMAN
You're quick. Mayor Cobblepot.
As the umbrealls-dildo travels up, toward Catwoman's
crotch:
PENGUIN
Right on! Batman goes Manson, and
the Mayor goes South. Straight
into the sewer. Actually it's not
so bad down there, I miss the
drip, drip, drip ...
Meanwhile Catwoman has noticed, on Penguin's night-table,
the tall stack of legal pads filled with names.
CATWOMAN
Hmm ... Not even in office yet,
and already an enemies list ..?
Attempted seduction forgotten, Penguin springs up,
scurries over and covers the stack with his gloves.
PENGUIN
Those names are not for prying eyes!
And suddenly it hits him:
PENGUIN
Hey, why should I trust some
Catbroad? This is the big-time.
Are you the real item? Maybe you're
just some screwed-up sorority chick
who's getting back at Daddy for not
buying her that pony when she
turned sweet sixteen ...
Catwoman gulps, nervous -- then retaliates by shooting
her paw into the birdcage. She pulls out the canary and
shoves it into her mouth. Penguin leaps up, frantic.
PENGUIN
No, don't hurt Gertrude! I was
just -- whattaya call it --
"flirting."
Catwoman coolly spits out the canary, which flutters off.
PENGUIN
Thanks. Jeez. Not used to this
man-woman, cat-mouse business.
Generally the babes flock to me,
I tell 'em take a number.
CATWOMAN
You're off the hook, Ozzie. But
Batman is decidedly not.
She drifts over to Penguin and starts to vamp him,
gliding her talons over his grotesque, sweating features.
CATWOMAN
(sultry skulking)
He napalmed my arm. He knocked me
off a building just when I was
starting to feel good about myself.
I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
PENGUIN
(tentative)
Well, a plan is forming ... A
vicious one, involving the loss
of innocent life ...
CATWOMAN
I want in. The thought of busting
Batman makes me feel all ...
dirty. Maybe I'll give myself a
bath right here ...
Catwoman slyly licks an arm. Penguin grossly licks his
lips.
PENGUIN
You just got yourself a deal,
Cat-doll.
EXT. WAYNE MANOR--THAT NIGHT
Through the window, we see the sparkling Christmas tree.
And we HEAR, wafting from the TV set:
PENGUIN'S VOICE
I challenge the Mayor to re-light
the tree in Gotham Plaza, tommorow
night.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
Alfred serves Bruce his supper, as Bruce impassively
watches "Oswald Cobblepot" at campaign headquarters, on
local news.
PENGUIN
(on TV)
He must prove that under his
administration, we can carry on
our proud traditions without fear.
Not that I have any faith in the
Mayor... but I pray, at least,
that Batman will be there, to
preserve the peace.
Alfred notices his boss quietly seething.
ALFRED
Sir. Shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and
class? "The Love Connection,"
perhaps?
Bruce quietly tells the preening image on the screen:
BRUCE
You're very subtle, "Oswald."
Then moodily clicks OFF the TV.
EXT. THE SHOPS OF GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
NAIVELY GIDDY CHILDREN and GUARDEDLY AMUSED PARENTS
browse a damaged but not defeated line of Plaza shops.
Father, Mother, and Boy--A FAMILY HIGHLY REMINISCENT OF
YOUNG BRUCE WAYNE AND HIS DOOMED PARENTS--drift to a
magically intact toy store window.
Bruce Wayne sidles up beside them and sadly contemplates
the cozy menage. He turns and looks, not through the
window, but at it, at the reflection of himself.
In the corner of the window reflection is a reflection of
Selina Kyle standing across the street. Her back turned,
she is also looking toward a store window. Noticing her,
Bruce turns from his window.
EXT. THE STORE ACROSS THE STREET--DAY
Selina grimly stares at her reflection. And asks
herself:
SELINA
Why are you doing this?
Bruce touches her shoulder, startling her.
BRUCE
Selina. Hi. Didn't mean to --
SELINA
Scare me? No, actually, I was
just scaring myself ...
BRUCE
I don't see how ... Anyway, it's
a treat to find you out in the
world, away from Ebeneezer
Shreck.
SELINA
(halfhearted)
Treat to be here.
They begin to stroll, together.
BRUCE
What's the story? Holiday blues?
Selina nods at a newsstand as they pass it: blazing
headlines that read "BATMAN BLOWS IT," "IT'S A CAT-
ASTROPHE" and "MEE-OUCH!"
SELINA
The news these days ... weird.
People looking to superheroes for
their peace of mind, and blaming
their problems on super-villains
... instead of themselves, or
their spouses at least.
BRUCE
And it's not even accurate ... I
mean, "Batman Blows It"? The guy
probably prevented millions in
property damage.
SELINA
(nodding)
I heard on TV, "Catwoman is thought
to weigh 140 pounds." How do
these hacks sleep at night?
In b.g., Police cordon off the Plaza. Workers hoist
signs that read "The Relighting of the Tree, Tonight at
Seven!"
SELINA
You're not coming to that, are
you? "The Relighting of the Tree"
thing?
BRUCE
I wouldn't be caught dead. No,
it's probably how I would be
caught. The Mayor stupidly took
Cobblepot's bait --
SELINA
-- and it's gonna be a hot time
in the cold town tonight.
Bruce glances at her, surprised.
BRUCE
You almost sound enthusiastic.
SELINA
(shrugs)
I detest violence, but ...
Christmas complacency can be a
downer, too.
BRUCE
(chuckles)
You've got a dark side, Selina
Kyle.
SELINA
No darker than yours, Bruce.
BRUCE
(muses)
Well, I'm... braver at night, if
that's what you mean...
SELINA
(surprised, glances over)
Yeah? Me too...
They pass the stage where, the Ice Princess is being re-
briefed on the difficult job of pressing the gaily multi-
colored button whose wires lead to the tree.
BRUCE
... Maybe I'll watch it on TV.
SELINA
(brightens)
"We"? You and...
BRUCE
... and me.
(thinks)
No, that's be me and me.
(beat)
Is that what I said?
SELINA
(laughing)
Yes and no...
Laughing too, Bruce takes her hand and leads her off the
sidewalk just as Alfred pull up, playing chauffeur ...
INT. ICE PRINCESS' DRESSING ROOM TENT--NIGHT
She's alone, in front of the mirror, nervously primping
and reviewing:
ICE PRINCESS
The tree lights up, I press the
button ... No wait, I press the
button and --
She turns at the sound of her dressing room door opening.
Penguin waddles in, grinning the Ratty Poodle at his
heels.
ICE PRINCESS
(cold)
Who are you?
PENGUIN
Talent scout.
ICE PRINCESS
(warmer)
Come in! You know I don't just
light trees. I studied the Method.
By mail, but --
Penguin wrests the stolen Batarang from the Poodle's
jaws.
ICE PRINCESS
What is that, a camera or
something?
PENGUIN
Say cheese.
The Ice Princess strikes a pose.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM--EVENING
Nat King Cole on the stereo, does his romantic Yuletide
thing. Bruce and Selina, in matching mellow-melancholy
moods, sit close on the couch opposite a blazing hearth.
Alfred refills their eggnog, then discreetly ducks out.
SELINA
I'm sure he's wonderful company
and all, but ... doesn't the gold-
plated bachelor bit get a little
... stale?
BRUCE
Somewhat like the lonesome
secretary syndrome, I'd suppose.
SELINA
Executive Assistant.
(hell)
Secretary.
(then)
Girlfriend?
BRUCE
Had one. Didn't work.
SELINA
What went wrong? Hang on, I think
I know ... You kept things from
her.
BRUCE
Nope, I told her everything.
SELINA
And the truth frightened her?
BRUCE
(careful, pained)
Well ... How can I put this.
There were two truths ... and she
had trouble reconciling them.
Because I had trouble reconciling
them. Vicki said.
SELINA
(giggles)
"Vicki." Ice-skater, or
stewardess?
BRUCE
Photojournalist.
SELINA
Sure.
Now they both laugh. Selina tries to get serious again.
SELINA
Well? Was "Vicki" right? About
your difficulty with duality?
BRUCE
If I said yes, then you might
think me a Norman Bates, or a Ted
Bundy type ... and then you might
not let me kiss you.
Selina responds by leaning forward and planting a wet one
on Bruce's mouth, that lingers. When their lips finally
part:
SELINA
It's the so-called "normal" guys
who always let you down. Sickos
never scare me. At least they're
commited.
BRUCE
Ah ... then you've come to the
right lonely mansion.
They fall into another kiss. Now Selina starts to undo
his shirt. But Bruce remembers his Catwoman-wound, and
stops her. They kiss some more ... then he starts to
unbutton her blouse ... but she remembers her Batman-burn,
and stops.
They pull apart.
BRUCE
I, ah ... never fool around on the
first date.
SELINA
Nor I, on the second.
BRUCE
What're you doing three dates
from now?
Selina hops off the couch and crosses the room.
SELINA
Weren't we gonna watch the
Relighting of the Tree?
She flicks ON the TV. And there is PANDEMONIUM in the
Plaza.
INSERT--TV SCREEN
An ANCHORMAN standing in Gotham Plaza is jostled by
frenzied crowds, as he SHOUTS:
ANCHORMAN
We repeat ... The Ice Princess
has been kidnapped! And it only
gets worse ... Commissioner Gordon
... Can you confirm the reports
we're hearing, of Batman's
suspected involvement in the
abduction?
We GO LIVE to an ashen Police Commissioner, in front of
the Ice Princess's tent.
COMMISSIONER GORDON
The evidence is purely
circumstantial. We found this,
stained with blood, in the missing
girl's dressing room ...
He holds up a baggie that contains Batman's stolen
batarang.
INT. WAYNE MANOR - LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
Selina looks quietly shocked: How could she forget?
Corn Dog! Bruce is freaked too, but plays it cool.
BRUCE
Selina, I'm just gonna check on
those chestnuts, Alfred was roasting ...
He slouches out.
INT. WAYNE MANOR FOYER--NIGHT
Bruce sprints INTO FRAME, nearly colliding with his butler.
BRUCE
Sorry, Alfred, I have to get to the
Plaza. You heard Penguin, he was
practically begging me to show.
ALFRED
Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
BRUCE
(backing out)
'Fraid I can't. There's been a
kidnapping ... Tell Selina ...
Ms. Kyle ... that some business came
up -- no, tell her some major deal
fell through, she'll feel sorry ...
No, no, here's what to do, just tell
her ... let her know that I ... not in
a dumb "Be my girlfriend way," but --
ALFRED
I will relay the message.
BRUCE
Alright, thanks.
Bruce bolts.
INT. LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
Selina waits a moment, then sneaks out, into:
INT. THE FOYER--NIGHT
Where she bumps into Alfred.
SELINA
Alfred! Hi. I --
ALFRED
Ms. Kyle. Mr. Wayne told me to
tell you that --
SELINA
Mr. Wayne. Bruce.
Yes ... Would you tell him for me
that I've been going through a lot
of changes and ... no, don't say
that. Just ... this is not a
rejection, my abruptly leaving,
it's ... In fact, tell him he makes
me feel the way I hope I really
am ... no ...
(laughing)
If you whip up a sonnet,
something -- a dirty limerick ...
ALFRED
(smiles, assures her)
One has just sprung to mind.
Selina laughs, exits.
INT. BATCAVE--NIGHT
Opening his vault, Bruce breaks out the Bat suit and
begins to get into it.
INT. SELINA'S VOLKSWAGEN--NIGHT
As she drives, Selina pulls her Catwoman outfit out from
underneath the single-woman-old-People-magazine-Diet-
Cola-can detrius of her Volkswagen.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD--NIGHT
The VOLKSWAGEN CHUGS away.
EXT. A GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile coasts into a deserted alley. Batman bounds
forth and activates the car's security shields.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Klieg-lights sweep the plaza, as though everything was
fine. The rattled Mayor is at the mike, trying to
maintain calm.
MAYOR
People .. fellow citizens ...
There's no need for panic, this
can still be a party that Gotham
will remember for --
His tremulous voice overwhelmed by SHRIEKING feedback.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Led by the Poodle Lady, the Ratty Poodle hobbles to the
mouth of the alley. There's the Batmobile.
Behind them come Penguin's perverse crew, each holding a
toolbox.
The Knifethrower Dame climbs atop the security cloak with
a crude laser device. She jimmies the laser and with a
whoosh, the shield sputters off.
Each Gang-member sports a meticulous drawing on a
protruding headpiece, so he can scan the card while
toiling with both hands. The Red Triangle Gang begins
taking apart the Batmobile.
EXT. ATOP A GOTHAM PLAZA BUILDING--NIGHT
Hidden in shadow, Batman cautiously surveys the crowd.
Amid the feedback, sentence fragments waft up from the PA:
MAYOR
... incess will be safely ... atman
will be brought in for ques ...
Now Batman notices a building across the alley. In the
one open window sits a bound and gagged Princess.
Batman fires across a grapple to the ledge above.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile has been dismantled like a post-Thanksgiving
turkey. Wires are twisted. Clamps are added. The piece
de resistance is A BEACON/ANTENNA that is placed carefully
beneath the vehicle.
EXT. LOFT LEDGE--NIGHT
The viewer catches Batman on the last squeak of a swoosh-
ing ride, into:
INT. LOFT--NIGHT
All that's in here are the Ice Princess and the chair
she's lashed to. Batman pulls out her gag. She BABBLES
her thanks as we BRING UP the WHINE of SIRENS, below. As
Batman struggles to untie the many knots, restraining her:
BATMAN
Gotta hurry. I was set up to look
like I did this --
ICE PRINCESS
No sweat, I'll just tell the police
I was kidnapped by an ugly little
birdman with fish breath.
CATWOMAN (O.S.)
Did someone say 'fish'?
She drops from the ceiling.
CATWOMAN
Yummy, I haven't been fed all day.
Then she kicks out at Batman -- but the came-to-play
Crusader grabs her heel and twists her down, face first.
BRUCE
Eat floor. High fibre ...
Catwoman springs up, pouting.
CATWOMAN
Hey stud: I thought we had
something together.
BATMAN
We do.
He head-butts her. But Catwoman quickly recovers, then
back-flips to the Princess and talons her free. Tosses
the chair at Batman as she drags the squealing Princess
through a door.
CATWOMAN
Gotta go, girl-talk, guys keep
out!
Batman swats away the flying chair and hustles after
them. The door is dead-bolted. He crunches it open.
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE--NIGHT
Catwoman wrenches a resisting, squealing Ice Princess up
a fire escape. Batman rumbles after them, a floor behind.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Gang busily backtracks, restoring the Batmobile to
its original state.
The Knifethrower Dame reactivates the security shield as
the Gang skedaddles.
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE--NIGHT
Batman crashes up the last flight, onto...
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Catwoman has vanished. The Ice Princess stands here,
near the lip of the building, shivering in her skimpy
costume.
ICE PRINCESS
She let me go. I think 'cause
I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
BATMAN
(cautious, approaches)
Okay .. just slowly move toward
me ... away from the edge ...
As the Ice Princess takes a tentative step forward:
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Look out -- lawn dart!
He steps into the light and lofts an umbrella.
Its sharp point sticks in the roof, an inch from the
Princess's big toe. The umbrella automatically opens,
releasing several live baby bats, that swarm up at her.
BATMAN
No -- don't panic --
Batman bounds to her aid, but the Ice Princess steps
back, away from the bats, losing her balance ...
One sweeping Klieg-light catches Batman as he rushes
at the Ice Princess, arms outstretched to save her.
The other Klieg lights the Princess herself, as she
topples off the building!
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
A huge crowd is gaping up at the terrible scene.
CROWD MEMBER
Batman? Batman pushed the
Princess!
The devastated Mayor and his staff follow, with their
heads, the trajectory of the Princess -- which corre-
sponds to that of their careers.
Her body slams down onto the gaily multi-colored button.
This makes the Christmas tree come to life, but not with
lights. Instead a legion of EEKING BATS bellow out from
the tree's branches and swoop uopn the crowd, violently
rearranging a hundred hair-do's.
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Both Batman and Penguin stand here (on opposite ends of
the roof), looking down on the mind-boggling pandemonium.
PENGUIN
Bats with wings, do your things ...
Batman turns on Penguin, to do irreparable injury, but
the rooftop door flies open (hiding Penguin) and a
squadron of Cops drop into combat position.
BATMAN
Wait --
COMMISSIONER GORDON
Hold your f--
Too late. The volley of bullets violently ripple against
Batman's armor, sending him over the edge of the building.
He clangs onto a terrace railing, then lands on
another ...
EXT. TERRACE--NIGHT
An enfeebled Batman tries to stand, but is gently pushed
back down by Catwoman's sexy straddle.
CATWOMAN
You're catnip to a girl like me:
handsome, dazed, and to die for.
As she leans down to kiss him cat-style (a lick on his
lips) Batman sees, above her head, a hanging sprig of
mistletoe.
BATMAN
A kiss under the misteltoe.
Mistletoe can be deadly, if you
eat it ...
CATWOMAN
But a kiss can be even deadlier,
if you mean it.
She unfastens his Bat-belt, flings it off the terrace.
EXT. TERRACE--NIGHT
Still straddling the winded Crusader:
CATWOMAN
You're the second man who killed
me this week. But hey, no prob ...
I've got seven lives left.
BATMAN
I tried to grab you -- save you --
CATWOMAN
Seems like every woman you try to
save ends up dead, or deeply
resentful.
She savagely pulls him up.
CATWOMAN
Maybe it's time to retire.
She viciously claws at his face, and mask, but Batman
feints back and does a reverse swan-dive off the terrace.
EXT. IN AIR--NIGHT
As Batman falls, a pair of balsa wood-enforced, black
cloth kite-wings extend out and open.
EXT. PLAZA BELOW--NIGHT
Gotham citizens gape at the bizarre sight of Batman flying
amid his real-life counterparts.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Batman continues to swoosh ever downward. He edges out
before the crowd. Parallel to the ground, Batman glides
into the alley for a skidding, quasi-crash, leaving him
barely conscious. The black balsa batwings crunch to
pieces in the tumble. The Batmobile looms at the end of
the alley.
EXT. THE TERRACE--NIGHT
Catwoman turns away from the scene of Batman's disgrace.
CATWOMAN
You said you were going to scare
the Ice Princess.
Penguin is standing here, with a battered Tiffany box.
PENGUIN
And I kept my word! The lady
looked terrified.
He opens the box, revealing a hideous engagement ring.
PENGUIN
Let's consummate our fiendish union!
CATWOMAN
(sneers)
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
PENGUIN
I oughta have you spayed! You
sent out all the signals!
CATWOMAN
(moment of doubt)
Did I? Only 'cause my mom trained
me to, with a man... any man, all
men --
(slaps her forehead)
Corn dog!
Enough self-hate. Catwoman redirects her rage at Penguin.
CATWOMAN
Me, domesticated? By you? I doubt
it! You repulsive... awful...
penguin.
PENGUIN
The name is Oswald Cobblepot.
He hooks the umbrella's handle around her neck. It auto-
matically curls into a tight semi-noose, then the ribs
start to spin, shredding the pannels... it's now a tiny
helicopter...
PENGUIN
And the wedding's been called off.
Catwoman is yanked up, into the air. Penguin wistfully
waves fairwell. Then mopes away.
EXT. GOTHAM SKYLINE--NIGHT
Catwoman whirls through the Gotham sky.
She painfully stretches out with her claws and tears
open the strangling handle. She is released.
Catwoman makes a dazzlingly awesome freefall plunge,
finally crashing through a skylight into...
INT. A PENTHOUSE GREENHOUSE--NIGHT
and a tableful of flowers. She lies for a moment in
stunned silence then bursts into an inhuman wail that
shatters the greenhouse glass.
EXT. PLAZA--NIGHT
Penguin is escorted through the crowd toward a CAMPAIGN
BUS emblazoned "Cobblepot, Soft He's Not". Gothamites
offer encouragement, which cheers him a tad ... he
presses buttons upon his more bosomy supporters ... which
cheers him a lot.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Invigorated, Penguin moves straight to a twisted-tech
remote control panel of switches, buttons and levers,
all labeled with the various functions of the Batmobile.
As a bonus, there's a mini-steering wheel. Cackling,
Penguin grabs it.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Batman staggers toward his car. He undoes the security
cloak on the deceptively pristine Batmobile. A CROWD OF
PURSUERS of the "There-he-is-Don't-let-him-get-away"
variety, swing around the corner.
Batman quickly crashes down into the driver's seat and
takes a breath of guarded relief when suddenly the doors
loudly lock. All systems on the control panel flash on
by themselves. The engine cacophonously VROOMS.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman pounds his fist into a Batmobile window to no
effect. Penguin's face comes on the screen the same way
Alfred's innocuously did before.
PENGUIN (screen)
Don't adjust your set. Welcome
to the Oswald Cobblepot School
of Driving. Gentleman, start
your screaming...
The vehicle thunders forward, slamming him back.
EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
blasts from an alley, freaking out his pursuers, and
makes a wild turn into the street.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin rambunctiously joggles the steering wheel. On
one screen, he sees Batman's tensed face. On another
screen is a Batmobile-eye view.
PENGUIN
Maybe this is a bad time to mention
it, but my license has expired.
Of course, so have you.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman tears off a shard of his console. Rips and tugs
at various wires...
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
PENGUIN plays his controls like the Phantom of the Opera.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Levers on the console move down by themselves. Batman
uses Hurculean strength to push them back up.
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
Batman... I know you're not having
a swell time, but lemme tellya:
Taking control of your vehicle,
mowing down decent people, and
laying the bad vibes squarely on
you ... makes the hairs in my
nose tingle.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
There is a major traffic jam on this one-way street
caused by two cars involved in a fender-bender. The two
angry Drivers are out of their vehicles, arguing; a Cop
tries to mediate. Meantime sixteen or so cars are backed
up. Suddenly, from down the block, there's a NOISE loud
enough to drown out all the blaring horns. Everyone
turns back, to silently gape at:
The Batmobile, blasting up the block! It's plowing
stopped cars out of its path onto the sidewalk, where
some crash through storefronts! Now the Batmobile
reaches the head of the line ...
As the two stunned Drivers stop arguing and just stare
in horror, both their vehicles are sent flying -- one
hits a fire hydrant and shears it clean off! A heavy
geyser of water shoots up and strikes the electrical
insulator suspended above, knocking the large coil onto
the wet sidewalk. Now the coil starts to short, firing
off sparks, setting a small store afire as the Batmobile
streaks out of frame, to continue its trajectory of terror.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
As Batman continues to tear at his console:
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
Just relax, and I'll take care of
the squealing, wretched, pinhead
puppets of Gotham.
EXT. ANOTHER GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
A pack of Gothamites flee in different directions,
leaving a stranded old lady immobile with fear. The
Batmobile spectacularly angles right at her. She's a
bunny paralyzed by the headlights.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin licks his lips as the Batmobile zooms toward her.
PENGUIN
Helpless old lady at twelve o'clock
high.
He presses down on the accelerator.
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman yanks open a ceiling panel, revealing another
myriad of wires and fuses. He stares with harsh
concentration. He pulls out a round fuse.
The Batmobile squeaks to a sudden dead halt, centimeters
before the vibrating then fleeing old lady.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The steel jack-type device again explodes out of the
bottom of the Batmobile, lifting it up off the ground.
But instead of going into a simple, suave 180 twist,
the car convulses into a Tasmanian Devil spin that
revolves it at mind-roasting speed. A battalion of
police cars surround it. Officers jump out and begin
firing.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Penguin's image on the spinning screen surreally
cackles....
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin twists the Square knob some more, as he squawks:
PENGUIN
Ya gotta admit ... I've played
this stinking city like a harp
from hell!
EXT./INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
spins even faster. Batmobile drives his fist through the
screen, shutting up his nemesis.
Then he kicks and tears open a panel on the floor.
There's a thick tangle of wires and spinning gears down
here. Batman bravely plunges his glove through the mess,
pounding out a hole through the Batmobile's gleaming
black skin...
Looking up at the underside of the Batmobile, we see
Batman reach down through the hole and find the gang's
Beacon Rod.
He snaps it in half.
The jack is sucked back up and the Batmobile breaks out
of its cartoon swirl and rockets between two police cars,
smashing a third as it speeds off.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Frustrated, Penguin pounds the controls.
PENGUIN
Came this close to a perfect
evening! Iced the princess. Blew
away Batman. Almost got married.
Killed the bitch. This close..!
EXT. STREET--NIGHT
The two Police Cars give chase, blowing out their
weaponry at the Batmobile.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman floors the pedal while rummaging through his con-
sole's twisted wires. With his free hand, he makes a
sharp right turn.
DEAD-END STREET
The Batmobile swooshes onto a road that has two brick
buildings towering at the end of it with only a small
not-quite-a-car-let-alone-a-Batmobile-size gap between
them.
THE POLICE screech behind them.
POLICEMAN
(shouts)
He'll never fit!
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Batmobile streaks closer to the building. The cops
continue to fire.
Batman sparks two wires together. The windshield wipers
come on.
BATMAN
(gently puzzled)
That's funny...
The buildings loom before the windshield.
BATMAN
(with a strange laugh)
Now I'm a little worried....Oh.
Batman connects two wires.
EXT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The sides of the Batmobile break off and clang to the
ground and the wheels of the car remarkably contort in a
single-file roller blade configuration, leaving only a
sleek missile of a car that smoothly darts between the
two buildings.
EXT. THE STREET--NIGHT
The lead cop car tries to follow, but gets wedged between
the buildings. The cop car behind piles into it!
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDINGS' GAP--NIGHT
The Bat-missile-mobile slashes out of the gap. Then does
a suave, angled speed skate around a corner. And
disappears.
EXT. PLAZA--NEXT DAY
Max escorts Penguin -- er, Oswald Cobblepot. Despite the
heavy turnout for the "Recall The Mayor" rally, Penguin
(twirling a red-white-and-blue umbrella) is cranky.
MAX
... So he survived ... C'mon, be a
mensch, stand t...
Max trails off. Penguin is giving him that "my nose
could be gushing blood" look.
PENGUIN
He didn't even lose a limb, an
eyeball ... bladder control ..
MAX
Point is, listen to them. They've
lost faith in old symbols.
They're ready to bond with you, the
icon of the future. If it works,
don't fix it...
He fairly pushes the grumpy Penguin onto a platform.
MAX
We'll celebrate tonight, at my
annual Max-squerade ball. Shreck
and Cobblepot, the visionary
alliance.
Penguin takes the mike, looking grouchy and uninspired.
Down in front, a shameless, toothsome Cobblepot-Groupie
flashes major cleavage, as though Penguin were a pop star.
This heartens Penguin. He quickly rises to the occasion.
PENGUIN
(booming squawk)
When it came time to ensure the
safety of our city, did the Mayor
have a plan? No, he relied on a
man. A "bat" man.
Somewhere in the crowd stands Selina. Staring poker-
faced at the podium, her gaze flicking between Penguin
and Max Shreck.
INT. WAYNE MANOR STUDY--DAY
Bruce and Alfred watch "Cobblepot's" address on TV.
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
A ticking time bomb of a costumed
freak who finally exploded last
night, spraying this city with
shrapnel of shame!
Bruce rises. Rolls up a sleeve as he moves to his aquarium.
Sticks in his arm, puts two fingers through the window of a
miniature Wayne Manor. Fish swarm his wrist...
ALFRED
I'm less worried about this ghastly
grotesque... more concerned about
repairing the Batmobile. It's not
as though we can simply bring it
to any old Joe's Body Shop. Is
it, sir?
Bruce pulls out a key. And laughs.
BRUCE
Hey, who let Vicki Vale into the
Batcave? I'm sitting there
working, I turn around, it's like,
"Oh hi, Vick, c'mon in."
Then on to a medieval Iron Maiden set in a corner across
the room. He muses:
BRUCE
Selina ... more facets than Vicki,
huh? Funny, but sort of mysterious...
BRUCE
"Affair" ... yes, maybe ... if
she ...
ALFRED
I think I'll take the stairs.
The spikes retract and the bottom drops out of the Iron
Maiden, as it closes.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Bruce slides out of a chute, then strolls to a console.
He pulls out the CD he'd pocketed last night, and inserts
it into a sleek aparatus as Alfred comes puffing
downstairs.
Penguin is still posturing, on a large SCREEN down here.
PENGUIN
You ask, am I up here for personal
glory? Ha ... I toiled for many
years in happy obscurity, beneath
your boulevards ... No, the glory
I yearn to recapture, is the Glory
of Gotham ...!
Alfred, all the while, is manning his own console. He's
punches in a command, "Find Frequency", which quickly
brings up the read-out "Frequency Found". His next typed
command, "Jam Frequency" soon yields the read-out
"Frequency Jammed."
Alfred nods to Bruce: time to play. Bruce presses Play.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA STAGE--DAY
PENGUIN
How can this be accomplished? I
know you're all concerned.
Suddenly his mike goes dead -- but his VOICE keeps RINGING
out over the Plaza, somehow.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Hey, just relax and I'll take
care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham.
Penguin is stunned.
PENGUIN
Wait a sec -- I didn't say that.
But nobody can hear his unamplified voice, over the
recorded one, from last night.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Ya gotta admit ... I've played this
stinking city like a harp from
hell!
As his Campaign Workers back off the stage, the puffed-up
Oswald Cobblepot reverts to the limping, twisted Penguin.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Like a sophisticated rap Club DJ, Bruce "scratches" the
CD.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
The single phrase loudly resounds, again and again, as
Penguin helplessly stands here, lips moving but unheard.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
"This stinking city, stinking
city ..."
Mortified, Penguin spazzes -- looking, for a second, like
a rapper. His performance is greeted with snowballs ...
then a couple of eggs and tomatoes find their way to his
face.
Finally Penguin gallops away from the mike -- bumping into
Max Shreck, who is fighting to get off the platform.
Penguin claws at his mentor, losing a glove in the
process.
PENGUIN
Max! Relax! Josh and Jen'll put
a spin on this. We'll talk it over
tonight, at your costume par--
MAX
(shakes his head)
I think you'd feel out of place at
my party. You see, it's for
winners.
He scrams. Leaving Penguin wiping his face and wondering:
PENGUIN
Why is there always someone who
brings eggs and tomatoes to a
speech!?
When suddenly a posse of livid Gothamites, ripping off
their Oswald Cobblepot buttons, come at him like a human
wave.
EXT. GOTHAM PARK--DAY
Penguin makes a wild dash through the park, just ahead
of the angry mob, barely leaping a park bench. As the
Gothamites gain, he turns, FIRING a salvo from his
patriotic umbrella. In response, the Park Cops unholster
their weapons and shoot back. Penguin saves himself by
diving off the storybook bridge -- the very bridge his
parents dumped him from, many Christmases ago -- splash-
ing deep into the icy brook.
INT. PENGUIN'S LAIR--DAY
Penguin trudges, head down, out of the abyss of his sewer
pipe back into the light of his Lair. Thuds into his Rubber
Duck boat and revs it toward the abandoned Arctic island.
Oblivious to his pain, his penguins squawk and play.
This brings a dark smile to the Penguin's thin lips.
PENGUIN
My babies ... Did you miss me?
As he docks his Duck, the remaining members of the Red
Triangle Circus Gang straggle into the lair through a
tunnel of Snow and Ice. The Thin Clown pops into his
face.
THIN CLOWN
Great speech, Oswald. The way you
told those rubes the score!
Penguin brutally smacks the Clown's skull with his umbrella.
PENGUIN
My name's not Oswald, it's Penguin!
(burst of renewal)
I am not a human being! I'm an
animal! A cold-blooded one.
Crank the a.c.!
He yanks off his tux, rips off his other glove and wiggles
his webbed hands, as he rallies his gang.
PENGUIN
I'm glad this happened. I've
learned a little somethng: I
don't want their "love". Their
"love" is false and suffocating.
Ah, but their hatred and disgust
-- that frees me! Anyway it's
too damn muggy up there!
Christmas, right? And I'm
schvitzing.
The Gang clucks its sympathy. Penguin claps his hands.
PENGUIN
Where's my list!? Bring me the
names!
A beat, and then the Knifethrower Dame is here, with
Penguin's stack of legal pads he'd filled at the Hall of
Records.
PENGUIN
It's time. What I've been waiting
for my whole putrid life. They
had their chance, they blew it,
and now they'll pay ...
Penguin hops around with dark glee, like Rumpelstiltskin.
PENGUIN
Oh, what a collosal bill has come
due! Gotham will never forget.
He tears pages from the pad, starts handing them out. The
Red Triangle Hoods are reading the names ... "Evan Black,
181 Shepherd Lane"... "Thomas Frankel, 273 Carlton Avenue"
... frankly confused.
PENGUIN
These are the first-born sons of
Gotham City! Like I was! And
just like me, a terrible fate waits
for them.
The surviving Circus Members send up a changed-my-mind
CHEER.
INT. THE BATCAVE--NIGHT
Bruce works on the battered Batmobile, rewiring, etc.
The TV SCREEN is on ... a press-conference with the
Mayor. We catch phrases like "Return to normalcy" and
"Seen the last of that hateful charlatan ..."
Now Alfred appears, holding the invitation to tonight's
ball -- away from him, as though it smells.
ALFRED
Mr. Wayne ... a reminder: Tonight
is that loathsome party, hosted
by that odious Mr. Shreck. May we
RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
BRUCE
I'm tempted, but ... well ... it
is an occasion for celebration,
and ... umm ... Selina will probably
be there ...
ALFRED
Ah.
(then)
"Who", may I ask, are you going
"as"?
BRUCE
(ambiguous smile)
You'll never guess.
INT. THE SPOOKILY REBUILT DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Max Shreck stands on a platform before a microphone, wear-
ing a scary black leather jacket-and-everything-else-
ensemble with a vivid red eye-mask.
MAX
Attention Shoppers...
A SWARM OF PARTY GUESTS laugh appreciatively, also
in COSTUME--costumes that are exotic, erotic, evil, and
pretty stupid. An ARMORED KNIGHT lifts his visor to
bulge his eyes at this annoying behavior. It is Alfred.
As Max speaks, one takes in the rejuvenated department
store, still eerily burnt around the edges. New and
glitzy Christmas decorations shine. The whole store has
been bathed in seductive nightclub lighting.
MAX
Like this splendid department
store, Gotham can quickly bounce
back from the tumult of the past
days ... So deck the halls, and
shake your booties!
A BAND behind Max launches into a sultry headbanger.
Guests begin to groove out on a make-shift dance floor.
Max gives a "forgive me?" toast toward the vindicated
Mayor who is dressed in a Roman Toga that sprouts a
Caesar-style myriad of plastic daggers and fake blood.
Various people are in Batman and Catwoman outfits,
including an undulating couple on the dance floor, Josh
and Jen. Josh is Catwoman. Jen is Batman.
JOSH
Jen, look over there, but don't
stare.
JEN
(staring)
My god. How rude.
They are revealed to be looking at Bruce Wayne strutting
down the main aisle, dressed dramatically as......BRUCE
WAYNE. The only one without a costume, Bruce catches
some glares from the hedonists. He and Max shake hands,
trading chilly smiles.
MAX
Ingenious costume. Let me guess
... Trust-fund goody-goody?
BRUCE
Course you're feeling fine ... You
almost made a monster the Mayor of
Gotham City.
MAX
I am the light of this city. And
I am its mean, twisted soul. Does
it really matter who's the "mayor"?
BRUCE
It does to me.
MAX
Yawn.
He drifts off. Bruce considers having the last word, when
his attention is diverted to a new guest, entering. It's:
Selina Kyle, dramatically dressed as ... Selina Kyle. She
draws the same sour looks as Bruce did. And ignores them,
as Bruce did. Gives Bruce a lovely, world-weary smile.
INT. STORE DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
Chip Shreck is dressed as an old-time football hero, in
knickers, etc. He moves, warily, across the floor ...
CHIP
Selina ... Ms. Kyle... May I have
this --
Bruce cuts in and Selina lets him: The band does a
ballad as Selina flows into Bruce's arms. They nakedly
dance amid the swathed-in-artifice revelers.
BRUCE
Sorry about yesterday ... Some big
deal came together, no, fell
through, and --
SELINA
'S'okay, I had to go home, feed my
cat.
BRUCE
No hard feelings?
Selina presses against her partner. Smiles.
SELINA
Actually ... semi-hard, I'd say.
Bruce blushes, steps back. Selina does a sultry
pirouette.
SELINA
There's a big, comfy California
King over in Bedding. What say
we ...
BRUCE
(ironic)
Y'mean take off our costumes?
SELINA
(sad laugh)
Guess I'm sick of wearing masks ...
BRUCE
Same here. So why'd you come
tonight?
SELINA
You first.
Bruce presses close to her again.
BRUCE
To see you.
He waits for a response. Selina pauses, then:
SELINA
That's lovely and I really wish I
could say the same, but ... I came
for Max.
At first, Bruce doesn't understand.
BRUCE
You don't mean ... you and Max ..?
Selina gives a harsh laugh, shakes her head.
SELINA
This and Max.
She discreetly pulls a little derringer from her evening
bag. Shocked, Bruce pushes it back in her bag.
INT. THE SEWER BELOW THE STORE--EVENING
The spooky ballad wafts into a sewer below the Store.
The lights of the party radiate through the grate of a
ventilator shaft. Rising into this strange mix of music,
light, and slime is Penguin's Rubber Duck. On its
scissor-lift, it continues to climb, at first revealing
Four Penguin Shock Troops, in bizarre headgear, missiles
pointed straight up.
INT. STORE--DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
Bruce and Selina continue to dance, emotions rising.
SELINA
Now don't give me a killing-Max-
won't-solve-anything speech,
because it will. Aren't you tired
of this sanctimonious robber baron
always coming out on top? When he
should be six feet under?
BRUCE
Jesus, Selina, you're not the judge
or the jury... I mean, just who do
you think you are?
SELINA
I don't know anymore, Bruce ...
They glide together beneath a piece of hanging mistletoe,
and she gives a soft, almost regretful kiss. And laughs.
SELINA
A kiss under the mistletoe.
Mistletoe can be deadly, if you
eat it ...
BRUCE
But a kiss can be even deadlier,
if you mean ... it.
And suddenly it hits them -- what? No! Can it be?
BRUCE SELINA
You're ... her? You're ... him?
Bruce tenderly, carefully undoes the cuff of Selina's
blouse and pulls back her sleeve. Feels:
BRUCE
The burn I gave you.
Meanwhile Selina's hand explores under Bruce's shirt, finds:
SELINA
The puncture wounds I gave you.
(wearily)
Oh god ... does this mean we have
to start fighting now?
Bruce's answer is to hold her tight. He's scared, so is she.
SELINA
... What do we do?
BRUCE
I don't know. Till we figure it
out, let's ... let's keep dancing.
That works for Selina. They sway on, to the haunting song.
Alfred is standing next to Commissioner Gordon, watching.
GORDON
A darling couple.
ALFRED
Yes, made for each other ...
Abruptly a square of dance floor EXPLODES, sending Bruce,
Selina, Chip, Max, Josh, Jen, Alfred, Gordon, et al,
sprawling.
Erupting up from the sizzling hole is Penguin, in his
Rubber Duck. In addition to the Four Penguins, he's
brought the Organ Grinder with his Gatling gun. The
Revelers SHRIEK as the Organ Grinder introduces his boss:
ORGAN GRINDER
Yes, Virginia, there is an anti-
Christ!
PENGUIN
You didn't invite me, so I
crashed!
Once again, the Mayor steps forward.
MAYOR
What do you want ... "Penguin"?
PENGUIN
Nothing from you ... "Putz".
He pushes the Mayor out of the way. And announces, to the
horrified throng:
PENGUIN
Right now, my troops are fanning
out across town, for your
children ...
(over gasps)
Yes, for your first-born sons ...
The ones you left helpless, at
home, so you could dress up like
jerks, get juiced on Max's
Shreggnog...
As those closest to the bomb blast dazedly pick themselves
up off the dance floor ...
PENGUIN
I've personally come for Gotham's
favorite son ... Mr. Chip Shreck!
The Organ Grinder grabs a struggling Chip holding him with
an ornate handgun.
A woozy Selina turns, to her dance partner:
SELINA
Bruce ... we have to do someth ...
Then trails off. Bruce has slipped away, in the confusion.
Penguin crows, as Chip is hustled over to the Rubber
Duck:
PENGUIN
You're coming with me, you Great
White Dope! To die, way down in
the sewer!
MAX
Not Chip! Please! Penguin ...
If you have one iota of human
feeling, you'll take me instead.
PENGUIN
I don't. So, no.
MAX
(grabs Penguin's coat)
I'm the one you want! Penguin,
please! Ask yourself: Isn't it
Max Shreck who manipulated and
betrayed you? Isn't it Max, not
Chip, whom you want to see immersed
up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
PENGUIN
(removing Max's hands)
Okay, you have a point. Plus, the
hysterics are getting on my nerves.
Then barks:
PENGUIN
Let Knute Rockne live. For now.
The Organ Grinder frees Chip, grabs Max. Forces him into
the Rubber Duck. Penguin jumps in after them.
As the Rubber Duck swooshes back down into the hole, the
penguins cover the escape by firing a smokey volley:
Smoke bombs ... that create massive, coughing chaos ...
EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT (MONTAGE)
The Red Triangle Gang sweeps the city for its first-born
sons.
1. A Darling Little Boy sits at the window-sill,
dreamily staring out. Suddenly a CLOWN pops up,
into view.
DARLING LITTLE BOY
Finally. The tooth fairy ... What
do I get?
We see he's lost a front tooth.
CLOWN
Why, the ride of your life. Hey
c'mon, little guy ...
The Clown reaches out a hand. The Boy eagerly steps
up onto the sill, then disappears into the night ...
2. A cute bathroom. Sheep, daisies, and the Alphabet
adorn the walls. A Toddler is standing here, making
faces at himself in the mirror, and giggling. OS, we
hear:
NANNY'S VOICE
Billy ... If you're not brushing,
I'll tell your Mama ...
Suddenly, in the mirror, the Organ Grinder appears,
monkey scampering across his shoulders. The Toddler
starts to scream, but the Organ Grinder clamps a huge
hand over his mouth --
3. A plush nursery. An Infant boy peacefully sleeps in
a custom-wood crib. An Acrobat-Thug quietly vaults
through the window. Scoops up the infant, vaults out
as an alarm WAILS, but the Infant sleeps on --
The montage quickly accelerates: a swift succession of
sleeping, bundled babes handed through windows, doors ...
INT. LAIR - NIGHT
Penguin impatiently waits, pacing as he twirls two
identical long, elegant umbrellas.
PENGUIN
Ooh, this is gonna be good...
He turns to Max, confined to a cage half-submerged in
goo, clutching a tattered blanket against the cold.
PENGUIN
To cut down a whole crop of
Gotham's most promising, before
their prime...
He gestures at a brown-ish gurgling subterranean lake.
PENGUIN
How do I lure 'em in, you ask?
He pops one of the umbrellas at Max, who flinches.
PENGUIN
Little "Pied Penguin" action...
The umbrella is wickedly charming... open, it's a mini-
merry-go-round, playing the "Penguin Theme" in a haunt-
ingly childlike rinky-dink style. Penguin shows, with
a happy prance, how he'll use it to lead the kids to
their doom.
PENGUIN
And you get to watch them all sink,
in a deep puddle of your industrial
by-products. Then you join them.
Tragic irony or poetic justice?
You tell me.
We DISSOLVE from the twirling merry-go-round umbrella to
a WAGON-WHEEL, turning ... then WIDEN to REVEAL:
EXT. "CIRCUS TRAIN" - NIGHT
The lead circus wagons in a long caravan of wagon, wind-
ing through Gotham's dark and empty streets. The wagons
are barred, more heavily than in Dumbo. Reminiscent, in
fact, of Penguin's playpen of yore. The sides painted
with the faded, peeling Red Triangle Circus logo.
Through the heavy bars, we glimpse a little pair of
hands, a pair of frightened eyes ... HEAR the occasional
CRY of a cold or thirsty baby.
At the wheel sits the Organ Grinder, impatiently petting
his monkey. Now he barks, at his unseen subordinates:
ORGAN GRINDER
Would'ya hurry up loading those
kids already..?
A shadow falls... The silhouette of a caped figure...
Batman reaches down and yanks the Organ Grinder UP out
of frame!
INT. LAIR - NIGHT
As a silent, despairing Max Shreck and a manic, amused
Thin Clown look on, Penguin practices his balletic walk
over to the toxic lake, waving his merry-go-round
umbrella with its tinkly THEME.
PENGUIN
(dry run)
This way, kiddies ... Jump right in!
Now the Organ Grinder's monkey appears at the top of the
stairs, holding something. As he scampers down:
PENGUIN
So ... Where're the kids? Don't
tell me they stopped at McDonald's ..?
THIN CLOWN
Boss ... he's got a note!
Indeed, the monkey waves a little piece of stationary,
which Penguin snatches from him. And reads:
PENGUIN
"Dear Penguin: The children
regret they're unable to attend.
Have a disappointing day. Batman."
Penguin is working to control his rage. He glares at the
hopping, dancing monkey, and reminds himself:
PENGUIN
You're the messenger. It doesn't
make sense to shoot the messenger.
The other long umbrella is a semi-automatic. Now Penguin
swivels, and sprays the Thin Clown with bullets.
INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin militarily struts as he addresses his legion of
penguins. They're wearing eerie headgear. On each one's
back is strapped a large bazooka.
PENGUIN
My penguins ... We stand at a great
threshold. It's okay to be
scared. Many of you won't be
coming back ...
He's choked up. He has to pause, compose himself.
PENGUIN
Thanks to Batman, the time has
come to punish all God's chillun ...
first, second, third and fourth-born,
why be biased? Male and female ...
hell, the sexes are equal with
their erogenous zones blown sky-high ...
In this area are TV monitors scavenged from the Arctic
World info-pavilion and other technology cannibalized
from the old exhibit. Today the screens show various
angles of the sleeping city. The Fat Clown mans the
controls.
PENGUIN
Forward, march! The liberation of
Gotham has begun!
The Penguin Army, on remote control, swivels in unison
and splashes toward the big open sewer pipe.
Behind them, Penguin dries his eyes and gloats:
PENGUIN
The Grinch just stole Christmas.
I'm gonna kill it, barbecue it,
chop it up and chew its bones!
INT. A SEWER--NIGHT
All is quiet in a musty sewer. Then a buzzing noise is
faintly heard, and suddenly Batman plows at the viewer,
driving a sleek, dark vehicle that is part boat, part
jet-ski. The Bat Boat slaloms up the side of the sewer
pipe to avoid colliding with:
A division of penguin Commando Bombers, marching in
unison. Their headgear clicks and whirs.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET--NIGHT
Another squadron of penguin mercenaries pours out from an
open sewer grate and continues to march in eerie forma-
tion through a deserted city street.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
As he rockets ahead, Batman communicates through a
strange phone device:
BATMAN
I'm homing in on the signal's origin...
INT. BATCAVE - SAME TIME
Alfred is poised at the same console at which he'd
jammed Penguin's speech.
ALFRED
Ready when you are, sir.
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman motors further...
BATMAN
Got the coordinates. They're --
Two penguins suddenly appear before Batman, firing their
payloads. Batman savagely curls his boat all the way up
the oval pipe until he is momentarily upside down. He
swooshes back down past the penguins and the twin
explosions.
BATMAN
As I was saying...
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin stands in front of a screen, watching his army
waddle down the street. Then gleefully rubs his hands
as the Fat Clown starts the countdown, off a big clock:
FAT CLOWN
Ten, nine...
PENGUIN
The Christmas Eve of Destruction -- !
FAT CLOWN
... eight, seven...
PENGUIN
("sweetly" sings)
Silent night, violent night...
FAT CLOWN
(sings along)
All is shrill, all is blight...
EXT. GOTHAM STREET LEADING TO PLAZA--NIGHT
The vanguard penguin division stops. Gotham Plaza,
heavily populated, looms ahead. As one, the penguins
bend forward, angling their bazookas for maximum
destruction.
INT. BATCAVE - SAME TIME
The last of the coordinates crackles over Alfred's
headset.
BATMAN (V.O.)
... 28 degrees west. Shall we?
ALFRED
(punching buttons)
Let's dance. Sir.
The read-out reads: FREQUENCY JAMMED.
EXT. THE REGIMENT OF PENGUINS--NIGHT
The Penguins' headgear begins to whine and rattle.
The penguins simultaneously turn and trot away from the
Plaza.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin is glued to the screens, elated at a Gotter-
dammerung that's only seconds away.
PENGUIN
Ah, Gotham. You wouldn't put me
on a pedestal, so I'm laying you
on a slab!
Meantime the Fat Clown is frantically punching the
controls.
FAT CLOWN
Well, um... funny thing, your
penguins... they're not responding
to the launch command. Fact
they're kind of turned around
now... Like someone jammed our
signal...
PENGUIN
But who could've ... no, don't say
it.
FAT CLOWN
My lips are sealed.
Penguin punches up the controls so the image of Batman
plowing through the sewers is spread out across the
screens in Cinerama.
PENGUIN
I'm starting... just starting...
to lose my temper, now.
EXT. GOTHAM PARK - NIGHT
The Penguin army advances, en masse. The Old Zoo looms
in the distance.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin grabs the nearest umbrella and jumps into his
Rubber Duck.
The Fat Clown rushes forward to join him but Penguin
heedlessly slams his vehicle into his former cohort --
catapulting his huge carcass across the lair where it
lands with a definitive THUD in front of Max's cage.
Penguin steers his Duck for stairs -- then rides it
all the way up the stairs, and out of the lair.
Meantime Max reaches out and grabs a key off the Fat
Clown's key-ring, releasing himself. Then creeps out of
his cage. He pauses to swipe the gun from the Fat
Clown's holster and stashes it in his back pocket. Then
starts to dash off when a familiar cat 'o nine tails
SNAPS into FRAME, coils around his ankle and drags him
OFF-SCREEN.
INT. SEWER - NIGHT
As Batman thunders up the pipe toward the lair, he hears
a BLEEP. The screen on his console shows a thermal
image -- shaped like a duck -- heading for the surface.
Batman has just reaches a fork in the sewer pipes. At
the last second he spins the wheel, steering into the
pipe that angles up.
EXT. ARCTIC WORLD--NIGHT
Penguin grandly plows around a corner with a victorious
laugh --
Simultaneously the Bat-boat comes crashing through the
top of Arctic World --
Penguin stops laughing as he looks up and sees the Bat-
boat in mid-air --
It crash-lands on top of Penguin's Rubber Duck!
A beat of silence. Stillness. Batman, dazed, pops open
his cockpit and alights, looking for Penguin. For
Penguin's corpse perhaps ... pinned inside his Rubber
Duck ... when:
From out of frame, a shrill and frenzied Penguin springs
at Batman! His legs wrapped around the Caped Crusader's
neck, the beast savagely gouges (with his umbrella-tip)
and pecks (with his beak)! Snarling, as he attacks:
PENGUIN
I think you're jealous that I'm a
genuine freak, and you have to wear
a mask!
BATMAN
Maybe you're right.
Penguin jumps down, off Batman.
PENGUIN
But in the end all that counts, is:
Who's holding the umbrella?
He activates his umbrella -- a long blade protrudes.
In response, Batman pulls out his weapon: a palm-sized
multi-colored button (like the one that lit the Gotham
Plaza Christmas tree). A stand-off. But now, over
Batman's shoulder, Penguin sees:
Standing here -- what the hell are they doing here? --
his poker-faced Penguin commandos.
PENGUIN
My babies ...
Batman turns to look -- and Penguin lunges with his
umbrella-sword. Batman swipes at it, dropping his
button-weapon in the process.
Cackling, Penguin snatches it up. Aiming it at Batman,
he vengefully presses the button.
Suddenly an insane family of bats billows out of
breakaway panels in the Batboat and thunders straight at
the Penguin.
PENGUIN
Ah, you brought your in-laws. I'm
sure, once you get to know them --
He tries to swat them away with his umbrella, but the
bats besiege Penguin, biting and screeching as they send
him reeling back and down, shattering through the
observation window.
INT. THE LAIR - NIGHT
Penguin spectacularly twirls down into his lair, bats
tearing at him all the way, until he splashes down into
the moat.
EXT. ARCTIC WORLD - NIGHT
Batman, at the Observation window, looks down. Penguin
is submerged, but he can see the struggling Catwoman and
Max.
Simultaneously the Penguin Army -- headgear clacking,
back on schedule -- launches its payload.
Batman, standing between them and the old zoo, now looks
up at the magnificent trajectory of missiles overhead ...
EXT. ZOO GROUNDS--NIGHT
The grand panorama of rotten zoo cages and decayed Expo-
tecture is mightily laid to glorious waste in a symphony
of fireballs.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Flaming debris from the big bombs has devastated the
floe, melting most of the ice, and blasting the odd chunk
out of the warmed-up water.
Revealed in her arousingly tattered costume, Catwoman
is dragging Max by his neck toward the Lair's ominously
buzzing electrical generator.
MAX
I don't know what you want, but I
know I can get it for you with a
minimum of fuss. Money, jewels, a
very big ball of string...
CATWOMAN
Your blood, Max.
MAX
My blood? I ... I gave at the
office.
CATWOMAN
A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
EXT. ARCTIC WORLD - NIGHT
Batman darts to the Observation window and looks down at
the struggling Catwoman and Max below.
He hooks a grapple to the edge of the glass.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Catwoman continues to drag a balky Max toward the
generator.
MAX
Let's make a deal. Other than my
blood, what can I off--
CATWOMAN
Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
MAX
Either you've caught a cold, or
you're planning to kill me.
Batman does a slide down the grapple that ends in a
graceful touchdown. Max crawls toward him.
MAX
You're not just saving one life,
you're saving a city and its WAY
of life.
Batman heaves a kick into Max that sends him sailing
against the generator.
BATMAN
First you're gonna shut up. Then
you're gonna turn yourself in.
CATWOMAN
Don't be naive. The law doesn't
apply to people like him! Or us --
BATMAN
Wrong on both counts.
He tries to grab Max, but Catwoman makes a lunge for
Batman's abdomen sending him reeling. He picks himself
up, then, talking in a calming, soothing way:
BATMAN
Why are you doing this? Let's
just take him to the police, then
go home together ...
She's still for a moment, considering.
BATMAN
Don't you see, we're the same... split
down the middle... please...
Batman rips off his mask, looks straight at her.
CATWOMAN
Bruce, I could live with you in
your castle forever. Just like in
a fairy tale.
She leans forward as for a kiss. Batman touches her face
about to rip off her mask. But she whips back, lashing
out at him, kicking him, sending him stumbling backward.
CATWOMAN
I just couldn't live with myself.
So don't pretend this is a happy
ending.
Max, recovering, pulls out the Organ Grinder's gun.
MAX
Selina! Selina Kyle!? You're
fired! And Bruce -- Bruce Wayne!
Why are you dressed up as Batman?
CATWOMAN
He is Batman, you moron.
MAX
(raising the gun
again)
Was.
Max squeezes off a shot at Batman as he rises, nicking
the Caped Crusader's neck. Now Max swings the gun
toward Catwoman -- who sexily saunters right at him.
CATWOMAN
You killed me, Batman killed me,
Penguin killed me. Three lives
down. Got enough bullets to
finish me off?
MAX
One way to find out?
He fires a shot, that rips into her arm. And another,
that smashes into her leg. Still coming, she pulls off
her hood.
SELINA
Four, five. Still alive.
Batman rips off his own mask and woozily holds his
bleeding neck. He's on his knees, dizzy and weak ...
BRUCE
Selina ... please, stop ...
Max shoots her other leg and the hand holding the stun-
gun, blowing away the barrel. Selina's left gripping a
sparking gun-butt. She hobbles forward.
SELINA
Six, seven, all good girls go
to ...
Max pulls the trigger. But he's shot his wad.
SELINA
Hmm, two lives left. Think I'll
save one for next Christmas.
Meantime how 'bout a kiss, Santey
Claus?
A panicked Max has backed against the generator.
CATWOMAN
You're the light of Gotham City?
So be the light of Gotham City!
Selina shoves the sparking half-a-stun-gun into her
mouth like a suicidal pacifier, then grabs Max in a
close embrace.
MAX
(seriously weirded)
What're you --
She plunges her steel talons into an open fusebox and
gives Max a stunning kiss! Their bodies briefly buck
together before getting lost in a dense display of
crackling sparkage.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT (SAME TIME)
The lights of the city vividly flash on and off, a
vision that Max had prophesied ...
The Batm Beacon eerily winks against the sky.
The grand Christmas Tree brilliantly blinks. Now we see
that the Plaza is filled with ecstatic Parents, reunited
with dazed and delighted Children ...
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Catlike screams of joy waft out off the mysterious mist of
wattage.
BRUCE
Se-li-na Kyle...
Bruce frantically searches the thickening mist...
but finds only Max's body, not Selina. He stumbles back,
as:
Penguin rises like a wraith behind him, soaking and
bleeding and sweating. Wiping his brow and gasping for
breath, he stumbles toward the shorted-out compressor,
using his long, elegant umbrellas for support.
PENGUIN
(pants)
Gotta crank the a.c. Stuffy in
here.
He drops one umbrella. With his free flipper, Penguin
vainly twiddles the singed dials. Nothing -- the unit's
kaput. Fiery rubble continues to rain down on the lair,
raising the temperature even higher. penguin turns away
in defeat from the busted air-conditioner. And sees:
A stone-faced Bruce/Batman standing here, pitilessly
watching.
PENGUIN
Without the mask you're drop-dead
handsome. So, drop dead.
With great effort, he raises his elegant umbrella. And
fires it. No ... not quite. It's the merry-go-round.
PENGUIN
Shit. Picked the cute one.
Heat's gettin' to me ...
Penguin reaches down for the other umbrella ... the
deadly one ... the one that Bruce/Batman is holding.
PENGUIN
Hey. You ... wouldn't blow away
an endangered bird ...
He desperately tugs at his collar a la Rodney. His face
is turning a deep, pre-coronary scarlet ...
Bruce/Batman wordlessly raises the umbrella and aims it
between Penguin's eyes.
Penguin pivots. Starts waddling away. Huffing,
puffing ...
PENGUIN
You wouldn't shoot me in the back ...
would'ya ..?
Bruce/Batman never takes the gun/umbrella off Penguin ...
Who is waddling, slower and with greater difficulty,
toward the once-icy, now-nearly-melted moat.
PENGUIN
I'm overheated, is all ... I'll
murder you, momentarily ...
With a last ounce of strength he pulls open his collar.
PENGUIN
But first, a cool drink ...
Then one more step ... and he bellyflops in front of
one glistening, beckoning chunk of ice that was blown
out of the water.
PENGUIN
Of ice-water ...
One flipper feels for the block of ice ... it's just an
inch away ... And then the flipper falls.
Penguin belongs to the ages.
A beat, then Bruce/Batman sets down the deadly umbrella
and silently watches, slightly awed:
In death, as in birth, the Four Elder Gray Bellied
Emperor penguins surround their fallen disciple. Then,
like pallbearers, they lift Penguin's body with their
beaks and mournfully bear him away, into darkness.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The bat beacon light, the city lights, and the Christmas
tree lights continue to flash in wondrous syncopation.
The Carolers begin singing again.
EXT. CITY HALL--NIGHT
The Mayor, his staff, and Commissioner Gordon, out of
their costumes, look up at the flashing bat signal.
GORDON
Think he'll ever forgive us?
MAYOR
Probably not. But he'll always
help us.
EXT. WAYNE ROLLS-ROYCE--NIGHT
Alfred drives. As the limo zips past Gotham Plaza, Bruce
soulfully gazes out at the celebrants.
BRUCE
(numb)
I guess this mean we won.
ALFRED
Yes, I suppose that we did.
He turns, taking a short-cut away from the crowds,
through a dark back alley ...
ALFRED
Well ... Come what may... Merry
Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
BRUCE
Right. Sure. And "Peace on earth,
good will toward men."
Suddenly he's brought up short by a loud meow. Bruce
glances behind him ...
In time to see the shadow of something dart from the
street into an alley. Was it just a cat ..? Or some-
thing taller, shapelier?
Bruce shivers.
BRUCE
And women.
TILT UP. In the night sky, the Bat beacon blinks on ...
then off, on then off, as we move closer and closer, till
Batman's symbol fills the screen ... on, then off --
AND CUT TO BLACK.
THE END