FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
BLANK SCREEN: Against Black, TITLE CARD: "...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through... - David Bowie" The Blank Screen and Title Card SHATTER to reveal... 1. EXT. SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL - DAY During Brian's monologue, we see various views of things inside the school including Bender's locker. BRIAN (VO) Saturday...March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon...we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed... CUT TO: 2. INT. CLAIRE'S CAR - DAY We see CLAIRE and her FATHER sitting in their car in the parking lot. Claire is the prom queen and is clearly a snob. CLAIRE I can't believe you can't get me out of this...I mean it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything... CLAIRE'S FATHER I'll make it up to you...Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective. Have a good day. Claire rolls her eyes and gets out of the car and walks up the school front steps CUT TO: 3. INT. BRIAN'S CAR - DAY We are in BRIAN's car. His MOTHER is there and so is his little SISTER. He is sort of a nerd. BRIAN'S MOTHER Is this the first time or the last time we do this? BRIAN (upset) Last... BRIAN'S MOTHER Well get in there and use the time to your advantage... BRIAN Mom, we're not supposed to study; we just have to sit there and do nothing. BRIAN'S MOTHER Well mister you figure out a way to study. BRIAN'S LITTLE SISTER (annoyingly) Yeah! BRIAN'S MOTHER Well go! Brian gets out of the car and walks towards the school. CUT TO: 4. INT. ANDREW'S CAR - DAY We see ANDREW and his FATHER. Andrew is clearly a jock; heís wearing a lettermanís jacket with lots of patches on it. ANDREW'S FATHER Hey, I screwed around...guys screw around, there's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, Sport. ANDREW Yeah, Mom already reemed me, alright? ANDREW'S FATHER (angry) You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride? Now no school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case. Andrew gets out of the car and walks into the school. CUT TO: 5. EXT. SHERMER PARKING LOT - DAY We see JOHN BENDER walking towards us. He is wearing sunglasses. A car is coming towards him but he doesn't stop walking. The car slams on its breaks directly in front of him. Bender gets out of the frame. Out of the car steps ALLISON. She is dressed all in black. She steps forward to look in the car's front window and the car drives away. CUT TO: 6. INT. LIBRARY - DAY There are six tables in two rows of three. Claire is sitting at the front table. Brian comes in and sits at the table behind her. Andrew comes in and points at the chair next to Claire at the front table. She shrugs and he sits there. In walks Bender, he touches everything on the checkout desk and takes a few things in the process. He walks over to where Brian is sitting and points to the table on the opposite side of the Library. Brian reluctantly gets up and moves. Bender sits at the table where Brian was and puts his feet up. Allison walks in. She walks all the way around the library and sits in the back corner table, just behind Brian. Andrew and Claire look at each other and snicker. Brian looks at her in confusion and then turns away. Enter RICHARD VERNON, a teacher. He holds a stack of papers in his left hand. He addresses the group with such disrespect it makes you wonder how he ever got the job. VERNON Well...well. Here we are! I want to congradulate you for being on time... Claire raises her hand. CLAIRE Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here... Vernon doesn't care. He just continues to talk. VERNON It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways... Bender spits into the air and catches the spit in his mouth again. Claire looks like she is going to gag. VERNON ...and you may not talk. You will not move from these seats. He glances up at Bender and points at him. VERNON ...and you... Vernon pulls the chair out from under Bender's feet. VERNON ...will not sleep. Alright people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay--of no less than a thousand words--describing to me who you think you are. BENDER Is this a test? Vernon passes out paper and pencils and takes no notice of Bender. VERNON And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender? Bender looks up. BENDER Crystal... VERNON Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even--decide whether or not you care to return. Brian raises his hand and then stands. BRIAN You know, I can answer that right now sir...That'd be "No", no for me. 'cause... VERNON Sit down Johnson... BRIAN Thank you sir... He sits. VERNON My office... Vernon points. VERNON ...is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised... He looks around at them. VERNON ...any questions? BENDER Yeah...I got a question. Vernon looks at him suspiciously. BENDER Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? VERNON I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. Vernon leaves. BENDER That man...is a brownie hound... Everyone tries to get comfortable and we hear a loud snapping sound. Brian turns and looks and it is Allison, biting her nails. Bender's eyes widen as he turns to look. Everyone is looking now. Allison notices them looking at her. BENDER You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch... Allison spits part of her nail at Bender. BENDER I've seen you before, you know... We see Vernon look out from his office. We see Brian playing with his pen. BRIAN (quietly to himself) Who do I think I am? Who are you? Who are you? He attaches the pen to his bottom lip and puts the top under his upper lip. BRIAN I am a walrus... Bender looks at him in utter confusion. Brian notices this, laughs and takes the pen out of his mouth-- embarrassed. Bender and Brian begin to take their jackets off at the same time. They both notice this. Brian stops removing his jacket. Bender takes his all the way off. Brian rubs his hands together and pretends to be cold. He pulls his jacket back on. He turns and looks at Bender who is still staring at him. BRIAN It's the shits, huh? Bender glares at him and Brian utters an uncomfortable laugh. Bender turns away and crumples up his essay paper. He throws it at Claire. It misses and goes over Claire's head. Andrew and Claire acknowlege it but continue to ignore Bender. Bender starts loudly "singing" the musical part of a song. ìNah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah...î CLAIRE (to herself) I can't believe this is really happening to me... Bender stops "singing" abruptly. BENDER Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss? CLAIRE (disgusted) Please... BENDER If you gotta go... We hear Bender unzip his fly. BENDER You gotta go! Everyone is now looking at Bender. CLAIRE (disgusted) Oh my God! ANDREW Hey, yer not urinating in here man! BENDER Don't talk! Don't talk! It makes it crawl back up! ANDREW You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor! Bender gasps mockingly. BENDER You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr! He turns to Brian. BENDER Hey, homeboy... Brian points at himself with his pen. BENDER ...why don't you go close that door. We'll get the prom queen-- impregnated! Claire turns and glares at him. ANDREW Hey! Bender ignores him. ANDREW Hey! BENDER What? ANDREW If I lose my temper, you're totalled man! BENDER Totally? ANDREW Totally! CLAIRE (to Bender) Why don't you just shut up! Nobody here is interested! ANDREW Really! (to Claire about Bender) Buttface! BENDER Well hey Sporto! What'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock? BRIAN (nervous) Uh, excuse me, fellas? I think we should just write our papers... ANDREW (to Bender) Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass...so knock it off! Bender mockingly registers pain in his face. BENDER It's a free country... CLAIRE (to Andrew) He's just doing it to get a rise out of you! Just ignore him... BENDER (to Claire) Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried! Claire rolls her eyes. BENDER So...so! (to Andrew and Claire) Are you guys like boyfriend/girl- friend? (a beat) Steady dates? (another beat) Lo--vers? (another beat) Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot...beef... injection? Claire and Andrew turn to face Bender, both furious. CLAIRE (screams) Go to hell! ANDREW (screams) Enough! CUT TO: 7. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY We see Vernon in his office. VERNON (yells) Hey! What's going on in there? (to himself) Smug little pricks! CUT TO: 8. INT. LIBRARY - DAY They all look at each other. Andrew turns away from Bender. ANDREW (to himself) Scumbag! Bender stands up and walks over to the railing. He sits on it. BENDER What do you say we close that door. We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds. BRIAN Well, you know the door's s'posed to stay open... BENDER So what? ANDREW So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here you know... BENDER God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler. ANDREW Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway? CLAIRE Really... ANDREW You know, Bender...you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school. Bender probably is upset at this and he pauses a moment before speaking. He doesn't let his emotions out, however. BENDER Well...I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Andrew and Claire look at each other and laugh at Bender. BENDER (to Claire) Maybe the prep club too! Student council... ANDREW No, they wouldn't take you. BENDER I'm hurt. CLAIRE You know why guys like you knock everything... BENDER (to himself) Oh, this should be stunning... CLAIRE It's 'cause you're afraid. BENDER (with mock enthusiasm) Oh, God! You ritchies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities! CLAIRE You're a big coward! Brian feels left out. BRIAN (to no one imparticular) I'm in the math club... CLAIRE See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it... BENDER Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it? CLAIRE Well you wouldn't know...You don't even know any of us. BENDER Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs. ANDREW Hey let's watch the mouth, huh? Brian again feels he needs to contribute. BRIAN I'm in the physics club too... BENDER (to Claire) S'cuse me a sec... (to Brian) What are you babbling about? BRIAN Well, what I said was...I'm in the math club, the Latin club and the physics club...physics club. Bender nods and turns to Claire. BENDER Hey...Cherry...do you belong to the physics club? CLAIRE That's an academic club... BENDER So? CLAIRE So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs. BENDER Oh, but to dorks like him... Bender points at Brian. BENDER ...they are. (to Brian) What do you guys do in your club? BRIAN In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics...about properties of physics. BENDER So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right? BRIAN Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other children in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton. BENDER You load up, you party... BRIAN Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but, we don't...we don't get high. CLAIRE (to Bender) Only burners like you get high... BRIAN And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kent...my cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana... He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like, you know "Twilight Zone" kinda. CLAIRE (laughs) (to Bender) Sounds like you... ANDREW Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads... BENDER (to Andrew) Oh and wouldn't that be a bite... Bender lets out a moan of fake agony. BENDER Missing a whole wrestling meet! ANDREW Well you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life! BENDER (with mock hurt) Oh, I know...I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys! ANDREW Ahhh...you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals. BENDER Oh, but I do! ANDREW Yeah? BENDER I wanna be just--like--you! I figure all I need's a labotamy and some tights! Brian becomes interested. BRIAN You wear tights? ANDREW (to Brian) No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform... BRIAN Tights... ANDREW (defensive) Shut up! They hear Vernon moving around out in the hall so Bender quickly comes and sits in the chair between Claire and Andrew. He folds his hands on the table. Vernon goes back into his office. Bender laughs and gets up. He starts walking towards the double doors that separate the library from the hallway. BRIAN You know there's not s'posed to be any monkey business! Bender turns and points at Brian. BENDER (in a stern voice) Young man...have you finished your paper? Bender turns back away and goes to the door. He looks around cautiously and removes a screw from the door. CLAIRE What are you gonna do? ANDREW Drop dead, I hope! CUT TO: 9. INT. HALLWAY - DAY We see Vernon getting a drink at the fountain. He stands up and checks the way he looks in a mirror. He does a muscular pose and utters some manly jibberish ìCobadonga!î CUT TO: 10. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian looks up. Bender is messing with the door to the library. BRIAN Bender, that's, that's school property there...you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with. The door slams shut. Bender runs back to his seat. ANDREW That's very funny, come on, fix it! BRIAN You should really fix that! BENDER Am I a genius? ANDREW No, you're an asshole! BENDER What a funny guy! ANDREW Fix the door Bender! BENDER Everyone just shhh! CUT TO: 11. INT. HALLWAY - DAY We see Vernon walking back to his office. He stops and listens to them through the closed door. BENDER (OS) I've been here before, I know what I'm doing! ANDREW (OS) No! Fix the door, get up there and fix it! BENDER (OS) (screams) Shut up! CUT TO: 12. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Brian as we hear Vernon in the hall. VERNON (OS) God damnit! He opens the door and storms in. VERNON Why is that door closed? For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare at Vernon. VERNON Why is that door closed? BENDER How're we s'posed to know? We're not s'posed to move, right? Vernon turns to Claire. VERNON Why? CLAIRE We were just sitting here, like we were s'posed to... Vernon looks around and looks at Bender. VERNON Who closed that door? BENDER I think a screw fell out of it... ANDREW It just closed, sir... Vernon looks at Allison in the back. VERNON Who? Allison lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the table, hiding in her jacket hood. BENDER She doesn't talk, sir... VERNON (to Bender) Give me that screw... BENDER I don't have it... VERNON You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you? BENDER I don't have it...screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place... VERNON Give it to me, Bender... CLAIRE Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw? VERNON (to Claire) Watch it, young lady... Vernon goes over to the door. He tries to hold it open by putting a folding chair in front of it. BENDER The door's way too heavy, sir. The door slams shut despite the chair. VERNON (OS) God damnit! They laugh. Vernon opens the door again. He comes back in. VERNON (pointing) Andrew Clark...get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go. Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon. BENDER Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy! Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door. VERNON Okay, now, watch the magazines! BENDER It's out of my hands... They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire door. BENDER That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir. Vernon thinks about it. He turns to Andrew. VERNON Alright, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on! BRIAN You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library. Brian points at them and Bender glares at him. BENDER (to Brian) Show Dick some respect! Andrew and Vernon come back into the main section of the library. VERNON (to Andrew) Let's go...go! Get back into your seat. Andrew sits. VERNON (to Andrew) I expected a little more from a varsity letterman! (to Bender) You're not fooling anybody, Bender! The next screw that falls out is gonna be you! Vernon turns to leave. BENDER (under his breath) Eat my shorts... Vernon spins in his tracks and faces Bender again. VERNON What was that? BENDER (loudly) Eat my shorts! VERNON You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister! BENDER Oh, Christ... VERNON You just bought one more right there! BENDER Well, I'm free the Saturday after that...beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar! VERNON Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through. BENDER No! VERNON I'm doing society a favor! BENDER So? VERNON That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one? BENDER Yes! VERNON You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal! CLAIRE (worried) Cut it out! Claire mouths the word "Stop" to Bender. VERNON You through? BENDER Not even close, bud! VERNON Good! You got one more, right there! BENDER Do you really think I give a shit? VERNON Another... Bender glares at him. VERNON You through? BENDER How many is that? BRIAN That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet. VERNON (to Bender) Now it's eight... (to Brian) You stay out of it! BRIAN Excuse me, sir, it's seven! VERNON Shut up, Peewee! (to Bender) You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha! BENDER What can I say? I'm thrilled! VERNON Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. (to everyone) Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here...I'm cracking skulls! (Bender mouths ìIím cracking skullsî) Vernon leaves and closes the door. A musical riff builds to a climax as Bender screams. BENDER (screams) Fuck you! We see the clock, it reads a quarter to eight. We see Bender, lighting his shoe on fire and lighting a cigarette with his shoe. We see Claire thinking. We see Brian playing with his balls. We see Andrew playing with his sweatshirt. We see Allison pulling a string around her finger and making it turn purple. We see Bender put the flames on his shoe out. He then plays air guitar. We see Allison drawing. We see Andrew playing paper football. He cheers silently. Allison shakes dandruff from her hair onto her picture. We see everyone fall asleep. CUT TO: 13. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. Vernon is standing there staring at the sleeping kids. VERNON Wake up! Who has to go to the lavatory? Everyone raises their hands. CUT TO: 14. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. We see the clock, it now says 10:22. We see Andrew stretching. We see Bender tearing pages out of a book. He is tossing them around. ANDREW That's real intelligent. BENDER You're right...it's wrong to destroy literature... He continues to tear pages out. BENDER It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my nads! CLAIRE (pronouncing it correctly) Mol-yare. BRIAN I love his work. Bender tosses the rest of the pages at Brian. He picks up the card catalogue drawer and begins to take cards out. BENDER Big deal...nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.. ANDREW Speak for yourself... BENDER Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language! Andrew turns to Claire. ANDREW Hey, you grounded tonight? Claire shrugs. CLAIRE I don't know, my mom said I was but by dad told me to just blow her off. ANDREW Big party at Stubbies, parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild... CLAIRE Yeah? ANDREW Yeah, can you go? CLAIRE I doubt it... ANDREW How come? CLAIRE Well 'cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because because my father says it's okay. There's like this whole big monster deal, it's endless and it's a total drag. It's like any minute... divorce... BENDER Who do you like better? CLAIRE What? BENDER You like your old man better than your mom? CLAIRE They're both strict. BENDER No, I mean, if you had to choose between them. CLAIRE I dunno, I'd probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me...it's like they use me just to get back at each other. Suddenly, from the back of the room. Allison speaks. ALLISON (loudly) Ha!!! Everyone looks at her shocked. Allison blows her hair out of her eyes and grins. CLAIRE Shut up! ANDREW You're just feeling sorry for yourself... CLAIRE Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else would. ANDREW Aw...you're breaking my heart... BENDER Sporto... ANDREW What? Bender jumps down and goes next to Andrew. BENDER You get along with your parents? ANDREW Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right? BENDER You're an idiot anyway...But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too! Bender turns and walks away from him. Andrew follows and pushes Bender. ANDREW You know something, man...If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you! Bender points his middle finger at the floor. BENDER Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up? Bender flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew the bird. Brian comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's shoulders. BRIAN Hey fellas, I mean... Andrew pushes away from Brian. BRIAN ...I don't like my parents either, I don't...I don't get along with them...their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko! Bender turns to Brian. BENDER Dork... BRIAN Yeah? BENDER You are a parent's wet dream, okay? Bender starts to walk away. BRIAN Well that's a problem! BENDER Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen? ANDREW Why do you have to insult everybody? BENDER I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you...to know the difference! ANDREW Yeah well, he's gotta name! BENDER Yeah? ANDREW Yeah, (to Brian) What's your name? BRIAN Brian... ANDREW See... BENDER (to Brian) My condolences... Bender walks away. CLAIRE (to Bender) What's your name? BENDER What's yours? CLAIRE Claire... BENDER Ka-Laire? CLAIRE Claire...it's a family name! BENDER Nooo...It's a fat girl's name! CLAIRE Well thank you... BENDER You're welcome... CLAIRE I'm not fat! BENDER Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Claire gives him the finger. BENDER Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl! CLAIRE (resentfully) I'm not that pristine! Bender bends down closer to Claire. BENDER Are you a virgin? (a beat) I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... (another beat) ...a white weddin? CLAIRE Why don't you just shut up? BENDER Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? (a beat) Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in? Claire is getting upset. CLAIRE Do you want me to puke? BENDER Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night? ANDREW Leave her alone! Bender slowly stands and faces Andrew. ANDREW I said leave her alone! BENDER You gonna make me? ANDREW Yeah... Bender walks over to where Andrew is standing. BENDER You and how many of your friends? ANDREW Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal! Bender goes to hit him but Andrew gets Bender down on the ground with a wrestling move. BENDER I don't wanna get into to this with you man... Andrew gets up. ANDREW Why not? Bender gets up. BENDER 'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother. ANDREW Chicken shit... Andrew turns and walks away. Bender takes out a switchblade and opens it. He stabs the switchblade into a chair. ANDREW Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me? BENDER I'm trying to help her!. We see the janitor, CARL come into the room. CARL Brian, how you doing? BENDER Your dad works here? Brian is embarrassed. BENDER Uh, Carl? CARL What? BENDER Can I ask you a question? CARL Sure... BENDER How does one become a janitor? CARL You wanna be a janitor? BENDER No I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts... CARL Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things...I look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do...I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast! Everyone groans. Bender smiles. ANDREW Shit! CUT TO: 15. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY The clock says 11:30. Vernon gets up and leaves. CUT TO: 16. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Bender starts to whistle a marching tune and everybody joins in. Vernon enters. Bender begins to whistle Beethoven's 5th. VERNON Allright girls, that's thirty minutes for lunch... ANDREW Here? VERNON Here... ANDREW Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir! VERNON Well, I don't care what you think, Andrew! BENDER Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich...will milk be made available to us? ANDREW We're extremely thirsty sir... CLAIRE I have a very low tolerance for dehydration. ANDREW I've seen her dehydrate sir, it's pretty gross. Bender stands. BENDER Relax, I'll get it! VERNON Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub! Bender grins. VERNON What do you think, I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls? He points at Andrew. VERNON You! He points at Allison. VERNON And you! Hey! What's her name? Wake her! Wake her up! (to Allison) Come on, on your feet missy! Let's go! This is no rest home! Allison gets up. VERNON There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Lets go! CUT TO: 16. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Andrew and Allison are walking in the hall. ANDREW So, what's your poison? Allison doesn't answer. ANDREW What do you drink? Allison still doesn't answer. ANDREW Okay...forget I asked... Allison waits for two beats and then speaks. ALLISON Vodka... ANDREW Vodka? When do you drink vodka? ALLISON Whenever... ANDREW A lot? Allison smiles. ALLISON Tons... ANDREW Is that why you're here today? Allison doesn't answer. ANDREW Why are you here? Allison snaps back. ALLISON Why are you here? They stop walking and Andrew leans against the wall. ANDREW Um, I'm here today...because uh, because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a race horse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me. ALLISON Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here. ANDREW Forget it! CUT TO: 17. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Claire and Bender and Brian are all sitting around waiting for the Cokes. BENDER Claire...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty... CLAIRE No thank you... BENDER How do you think he rides a bike? Claire rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust. BENDER Oh, Claire...would you ever consider dating a guy like this? CLAIRE Can't you just leave me alone? BENDER I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun. CLAIRE You know what I wish I was doing? BENDER Op, watch what you say, Brian here is a cherry. BRIAN A cherry? CLAIRE I wish I was on a plane to France. BRIAN I'm not a cherry. BENDER (to Brian) When have you ever gotten laid? BRIAN I've laid, lotsa times! BENDER Name one! BRIAN She lives in Canada, met her at Niagra Falls. You wouldn't know her. BENDER Ever laid anyone around here. Brian shushes Bender and points at Claire whos back is still turned. BRIAN Oh, you and Claire, did it! Claire spins around. CLAIRE What are you talking about? BRIAN (to Claire) Nothin', nothin! (to Bender) Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later! CLAIRE No! Drop what, what're you talking about? BENDER Well, Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse! CLAIRE (to Brian) Little pig! BRIAN No I'm not! I'm not! John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't, that's it, that's all that was said! BENDER Well then what were you motioning to Claire for? CLAIRE You know I don't appreciate this very much, Brian. BRIAN He is lying! BENDER Oh you weren't motioning to Claire? BRIAN You know he's lying, right? BENDER Were you or were you not motioning to Claire? BRIAN Yeah, but it was only...was only because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin, okay? Bender just stares at him. BRIAN Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry... Claire laughs. CLAIRE Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin? BRIAN Because it's personal business, it's my personal, private business. BENDER Well Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business... CLAIRE I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin... Bender looks suprised. BRIAN You do? Claire smiles and nods. CUT TO: 18. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. Everybody has lunches now. Claire begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag. BENDER What's in there? CLAIRE Guess, where's your lunch? BENDER You're wearing it... CLAIRE You're nauseating... Bender grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Allison who catches it without even looking up. Bender then watches Claire set up a sushi platter. BENDER What's that? CLAIRE Sushi... BENDER Sushi? CLAIRE Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed. BENDER You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that? CLAIRE Can I eat? BENDER I don't know...give it a try... We now watch Andrew take a couple sandwiches out of his bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag of cookies and a carton of milk. Allison opens her Coke and it fizzes over. She loudly slurps it up off the table and her fingers. Andrew sees Bender looking at him. ANDREW What's your problem? Allison opens her sandwich and and tosses the meat up. It lands on the sculpture above. She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the sandwich and then puts Cap'n Crunch on top of that. She crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it. Bender goes over and sits by Brian, Bender takes Brian's bag lunch. BENDER What're we having? BRIAN Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess... Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it. BENDER Milk? BRIAN Soup. Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand. BRIAN That's apple juice... BENDER I can read! PB & J with the crusts cut off...Well Brian, this is a very nutritous lunch, all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers? BRIAN Uh, no, Mr. Johnson... BENDER Ahhh.... Andrew and Claire smile at each other. Bender stands. BENDER Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house... (in a loud and friendly voice) Son! (in a kiddie voice) Yeah Dad? (loud) How's your day, pal? (kiddie) Great Dad, how's yours? (loud) Super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend? (kiddie) Great Dad, but I've got homework to do! (loud) That's alright son, you can do it, on the boat! (kiddie) Geee!!! (loud) Dear, isn't our son swell? (quiet and motherly) Yes Dear, isn't life swell? Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father kissing mother and then father punching mother in the face. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore. ANDREW Alright, what about your family? BENDER Oh, mine? ANDREW That's real easy! Bender stands again and points forward. BENDER (as his father) Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! (as his mother) You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Bender slams his hand back to slap his invisable mother. BENDER (as his father) Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! (as himself) What about you Dad? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself--yelling) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father--yelling) Fuck you! He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him. BRIAN Is that for real? BENDER (to Brian) You wanna come over sometime? ANDREW That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it. Bender actually looks hurt. BENDER You don't believe me? ANDREW No... BENDER No? ANDREW Did I stutter? Bender comes over to Andrew and rolls up his right sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn. BENDER Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. Bender begins to walk away. BENDER See I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore! Bender walks over to a map table and throws all the maps on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then up to the second floor balcony. CLAIRE (to Andrew) You shouldn't have said that! ANDREW How would I know, I mean he lies about everything anyway! CUT TO: 19. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY Vernon puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to pour coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and the coffee goes all over his desk. VERNON Oh, shit! CUT TO: 20. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Vernon walks into the hallway, talking to himself. VERNON Coffee...looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi river. Everything's polluted, everything's polluted...the coffee. Bender comes out of the library doors followed byeveryone else. Bender and Claire are walking next to each other. Brian and Andrew are walking next to each other and at the end of the line, Allison is following. CLAIRE (to Bender) How do you know where Vernon went? BENDER I don't... CLAIRE Well then, how do you know when he'll be back? BENDER I don't...being bad feels pretty good, huh? BRIAN (to Andrew) What's the point in going to Bender's locker? ANDREW Beats me... BRIAN This is so stupid...Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught? ANDREW I dunno... BRIAN So then what are we doing? ANDREW You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you! BRIAN Sorry... Bender opens his locker. ANDREW Slob! BENDER My maid's on vacation. Bender pulls out a bag of marijuana. BRIAN Drugs... ANDREW Screw that Bender...put it back! Bender walks away. BRIAN Drugs...the boy had marijuana. Claire walks after Bender. BRIAN That was marijuana! ANDREW Shut up! Andrew follows the other two. Brian looks at Allison who is standing there with her mouth open. BRIAN Do you approve of this? Brian turns and leaves. Allison steals the lock off of Bender's locker. We see the crowd walking down the hall. BENDER We'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back. ANDREW You better be right, if Vernon cuts us off it's your fault, asshole! BRIAN (to Claire) What'd he say? Where're we going? They see Vernon down one of the halls. We have various sequences of them running around and seeing Vernon until they stop. BENDER Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We have to go through the cafeteria! ANDREW No, the activities hall. BENDER Hey man, you don't know what you're talking about! ANDREW No you don't know what you're talking about! Allison squeaks. ANDREW Now we're through listening to you, we're going this way. They all go Andrew's way and run into a hall closed by an iron gate. ANDREW Shit! BENDER Great idea Jagoff! ANDREW Fuck you! CLAIRE (to Andrew) Fuck you! Why didn't you listen to John? BRIAN We're dead! BENDER No, just me! BRIAN What do you mean? BENDER Get back to the library, keep your unit on this! Bender puts his bag of marijuana into Brian's underwear. Bender runs away singing loudly. ìI wanna be an airborne ranger...î We see Vernon hear Bender. The rest of them run. VERNON That son of a bitch! We see Vernon looking for Bender until he finds him in the gym. Bender is going up for a basket. BENDER Three...two...one! He dunks the ball. Vernon enters. VERNON Bender! Bender! Bender! What is this? What are you doing here, what is this? BENDER Oh, hi! VERNON Out! That's it Bender! Out, it's over! BENDER Don't you wanna hear my excuse? VERNON Out! BENDER I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship. VERNON Gimmie the ball, Bender. Bender fakes the ball at Vernon. He then sets the ball down and rolls it at Vernon who kicks it back at him. They leave. CUT TO: 21. INT. LIBRARY - DAY The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats when Bender and Vernon enter. Vernon pushes Bender. VERNON Get your stuff, let's go! (to everyone) Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day. BENDER (to Vernon) B-O-O H-O-O! VERNON Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they...What if your home, what if your family... (a beat) ...what if your dope was on fire? BENDER Impossible, sir...It's in Johnson's underwear... Andrew laughs. VERNON (to Andrew) You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. (to everybody) You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how God damned funny he is! (to Bender) What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go... Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder. BENDER Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick! Bender takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays them in front of Andrew. BENDER For better hallway vision! Bender leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the way. CUT TO: 21. INT. CLOSET - DAY Vernon has put Bender in a closet and is in there talking to him. VERNON That's the last time, Bender. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you...But someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place... And they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt! BENDER Are you threatening me? VERNON What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy...you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy...come on, come on...get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now, how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches. VERNON That's what I though...you're a gutless turd! Vernon leaves and locks the closet door after him. Bender climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and disappears. CUT TO: 22. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY Bender is slowly crawling through a heating duct. BENDER (to himself) A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bar- tender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says... The ceiling under Bender gives and he falls through. BENDER (screaming) Oh shit!!!! CUT TO: 23. INT. FACILTY BATHROOM - DAY We see the door to the bathroom. We hear Vernon inside. VERNON (OS) Jesus Christ, allmighty! CUT TO 24. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Bender walks down the stairs. BENDER I forgot my pencil... We hear Vernon in the hall. VERNON (OS) God damnit! What in God's name is going on in here? Vernon enters. VERNON What was that ruckus? ANDREW Uh, what ruckus? VERNON I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus! BRIAN Could you describe the ruckus, sir? VERNON Watch your tongue young man, watch it! We see Bender under the table by Claire's legs. He sits up and bangs his head on the table. He groans. Above the table, Andrew and Claire try to take credit for the noise by making more noise. VERNON What is that? What, what is that, what is that noise? Under the table, Bender looks between Claire's legs and can see her panties. He puts his head between Claire's legs. ANDREW What noise? CLAIRE Really, sir, there wasn't any noise... Claire squeels. She squeezes Bender's head between her knees. Everyone starts faking a coughing fit. CLAIRE (flustered) That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about? VERNON No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will. Allison laughs at Vernon. VERNON You make book on that missy! (to Claire) And you! I will not be made a fool of! He turns and walks away. We see that he still has the toilet seat cover stuck to his pants. Vernon leaves. Everyone laughs except Claire who lets Bender out to a barage of slaps. BENDER It was an accident! CLAIRE You're an asshole! BENDER So sue me... Bender gets up and walks over to Brian. BENDER So, Ahab...Kybo Mein Doobage... Brian gives Bender his bag of marajuana. Bender turns and walks away. ANDREW Yo waistoid...you're not gonna blaze up in here! Claire gets up and goes after him. Then Brian. ANDREW Shit... Andrew goes. CUT TO: 25. INT. STAIRS - DAY We see Vernon go down the stairs. CUT TO: 26. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian, Bender and Claire are sitting in a circle and laughing hysterically. Bender lights Claire up and she coughs the smoke out. Brian laughs at her. He exhales and tries to eat the smoke. He talks in a really weird voice. BRIAN Chicks, cannot hold der smoke! That's what it is! CLAIRE Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular, everybody loves me so much, at this school... BENDER Poor baby. Brian waves Claire over to him and he falls over. We see Andrew emerge from a really smokey room. He inhales another puff and then starts dancing to everybody's applause. He goes back in the room he was in. He screams and it shatters the glass in the door. CUT TO: 27. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Vernon is glancing through the confidential files in the school basement. VERNON (to himself) Mister, oh mister Tearney...a history of slight mental illness? Wooh, no wonder he's so fucked up! Carl enters. CARL Afternoon, Dick... VERNON Hey Carl, how you doin'? CARL Good... VERNON Good, what's up? CARL Not much, what's happening, what are you doing in the basement files? VERNON Oh, nothin' nothin' here. I'm just doin' a little homework here... CARL Homework, huh? VERNON Yeah... Carl, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that Vernon was looking at. CARL Confidential files...hmmm? VERNON Look, Carl...this is a highly sensitive area and I, I tell you something...certain people would be very very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if if if if this would be something that, that you and I could keep between us... CARL What're you gonna do for me, man? VERNON Well, well what would you like? CARL Got fifty bucks? VERNON What? CARL Fifty bucks... CUT TO: 28. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Andrew and Brian laughing. Allison is hanging out over by the statue in the back of the library. ANDREW No no man, no; you got a middle name? BRIAN Yeah, guess... Allison suddenly takes interest in the conversation and as she speaks, she moves over and sits next to the two. ALLISON Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke... Brian and Andrew look at her in confusion. ALLISON ...your birthday is March 12th, you're five-nine and a half you weigh a hundred and thirty pounds and your social security number is 0-4-9-3-8-0-9-1 (a beat) 3. Andrew is impressed. ANDREW Wow! Are you psychic? ALLISON No... BRIAN Well would you mind telling me how you know all this about me? Allison reaches in her bag. ALLISON I stole your wallet... She produces it in her hands and grins. BRIAN Give it to me... ALLISON No... BRIAN Give it! Allison reluctantly hands over the wallet and Brian glances through it to make sure nothing is missing. BRIAN This is great...you're a thief too! Huh? ALLISON I'm not a thief! BRIAN Multi-talented! ALLISON What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot! ANDREW A what? ALLISON He's got a nudie picture in there! I saw it, it's perverted! ANDREW Alright, let's see it! We see Bender, he is brushing his teeth with one of Claire's cosmetic brushes. We see Claire looking through Bender's wallet pictures. CLAIRE Are all these your girlfriends? BENDER Some of them... CLAIRE What about the others? BENDER Well, some I consider my girlfriends and some...I just consider... CLAIRE Consider what? BENDER Whether or not, I wanna hang out with them... CLAIRE You don't believe in just one guy, one girl? BENDER Do you? CLAIRE Yeah...that's the way it should be. BENDER Well, not for me... CLAIRE Why not? Bender clearly doesn't want to answer that. He acts defensive. BENDER How come you got so much shit in your purse? CLAIRE How come you got so many girlfriends? BENDER I asked you first... CLAIRE (shrugs) I dunno...I guess I never throw anything away. BENDER Neither do I... CLAIRE Oh... We cut back to where Andrew, Brian and Allison are sitting, Andrew is looking through Brian's wallet. ANDREW This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen... Brian laughs. ANDREW Do you realize you made yourself sixty eight? BRIAN Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it... ANDREW What do you need a fake ID for? BRIAN (like it's obvious) So I can vote! Allison looks up suddenly. ALLISON You wanna see what's in my bag? BRIAN & ANDREW No! Allison looks hurt and then resentful. Just to spite them, she dumps the contents of her bag onto the couch. Lots of stuff comes out. ANDREW Holy shit! What is all that stuff? BRIAN Do you always carry this much shit in your bag? ALLISON Yeah...I always carry this much shit ...in my bag...You never know when you may have to jam... BRIAN Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing? ALLISON I'll do what I have to do... BRIAN Why do you have to do anything? ALLISON (with feeling) My home life is un...satisfying... BRIAN So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of the Chicago streets because your homelife is unsatisfying? ALLISON I don't have to run away and live in the street...I can run away and, go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan... Brian looks at her and then moves over to Andrew. BRIAN Andy...you wanna get in on this? Allison here says, she wants to run away, because her home life is unsatisfying... ANDREW Well everyone's home lives are un- satisfying...If it wasn't, people would live with there parents forever... BRIAN Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that her's goes beyond, you know, what guys like you and me... consider normal unsatisfying... ALLISON Nevermind...forget it, everything's cool! Allison starts putting everything back in her purse. ANDREW What's the deal? ALLISON No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone. ANDREW Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away. ALLISON Eat shit! Allison gets up and walks away. BRIAN The girl is an island, with herself. Okay? Andrew gets up and goes after her. ANDREW Hi, you wanna talk? ALLISON No! ANDREW Why not? ALLISON Go away... ANDREW Where do you want me to go? ALLISON GO away! Andrew turns away and Allison starts to cry. ALLISON You have problems... ANDREW Oh, I have problems? ALLISON You do everything everybody ever tells you to do, that is a problem! ANDREW Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite people into my problems...Did I? So what's wrong? What is it? Is is bad? Real bad? Parents? Allison is silently crying. ALLISON Yeah... Andrew nods. ANDREW What do they do to you? ALLISON They ignore me... ANDREW Yeah...yeah... They both are crying silently. CUT TO: 29. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Vernon and Carl are sitting talking. VERNON What did you want to be when you were young? CARL When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon... VERNON Carl don't be a goof! I'm trying to make a serious point here...I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year...these kids get more and more arrogant. CARL Aw bull shit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off...and then you found out it was actually work...and that really bummed you out. VERNON These kids turned on me...they think I'm a big fuckin' joke... CARL Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh? VERNON Hey...Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me? CARL Yes I do... VERNON You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country. CARL Yeah? VERNON Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night... That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me... CARL I wouldn't count on it! Vernon ponders that statement for a moment. CUT TO: 30. INT. LIBRARY - DAY They are sitting on the floor in a circle. ANDREW What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to... CLAIRE That's boring... ANDREW Well, how'm I s'posed to answer? CLAIRE The idea is to like search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked? Andrew laughs. ANDREW Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car? CLAIRE Of course... ANDREW In the spring, or winter? CLAIRE It doesn't matter...spring... ANDREW In front of the school or in back of the school? CLAIRE Either one... ANDREW Yes... ALLISON I'd do that! They all look at her. ALLISON I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either... CLAIRE You're lying... ALLISON I already have...I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac! Claire rolls her eyes. CLAIRE Lie... BRIAN Are your parents aware of this? ALLISON The only person I told was my shrink... ANDREW And what'd he do when you told him? ALLISON He nailed me... CLAIRE Very nice... ALLISON I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him. CLAIRE He's an adult! Allison is relishing this attention. ALLISON Yeah...he's married too! Claire notes her disgust. CLAIRE Do you have any idea how completely gross that is? ALLISON Well, the first few times... CLAIRE First few times? You mean he did it more than once? ALLISON Sure... CLAIRE Are you crazy? BRIAN Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink... ALLISON (to Claire) Have you ever done it? CLAIRE I don't even have a psychiatrist... ALLISON Have you ever done it with a normal person? CLAIRE Now, didn't we already cover this? BENDER You never answered the question... CLAIRE Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers. ALLISON It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? CLAIRE A what? ALLISON Well, if you say you haven't... you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right? CLAIRE Wrong... ALLISON Or, are you a tease? ANDREW She's a tease... CLAIRE Oh why don't you just forget it... ANDREW You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases! BENDER (to Andrew) She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot... CLAIRE I don't do anything! ALLISON That's why you're a tease... CLAIRE Okay, lemme ask you a few questions. Allison is suddenly defensive. ALLISON I've already told you everything! CLAIRE No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean don't you want any respect? ALLISON I don't screw to get respect...That's the difference between you and me... CLAIRE Not the only difference, I hope. BENDER Face it, you're a tease. CLAIRE I'm not a tease! BENDER Sure you are! You said it yourself sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect! CLAIRE No, I never said that, she twisted my words around. BENDER Oh then what do you use it for? CLAIRE I don't use it period! Claire is on the verge of tears. BENDER Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological? CLAIRE I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth! BENDER Well if you'd just answer the question... BRIAN Why don't you just answer the question? ANDREW Be honest... BENDER No big deal... BRIAN Yeah, answer it! ANDREW Answer the question, Claire! BENDER Talk to us! ANDREW & BRIAN Come on, answer the question! BENDER It's easy, it's only one question! Claire silences all of them by screaming. CLAIRE (screaming) No! I never did it! Silence for two beats. ALLISON I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar... CLAIRE You are such a bitch! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over! ALLISON I would do it though...If you love someone it's okay... CLAIRE I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me! ANDREW You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to... CLAIRE Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre... ANDREW What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all. CLAIRE (to Andrew) How are you bizarre? Allison decides to field that question. ALLISON He can't think for himself... ANDREW She's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together. Claire laughs. BRIAN (to Andrew) That was you? ANDREW (to Brian) Yeah, you know him? BRIAN Yeah, I know him... ANDREW Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too... CLAIRE Oh my God... ANDREW And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda... he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...fucking humiliation he mustuv felt. It mustuv been unreal...I mean, (he's crying) I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me... BENDER I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling. Andrew laughs briefly. BRIAN It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't. CLAIRE What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself? BRIAN 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life... When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average... BENDER Why'd you think it'd be easy? BRIAN Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop? BENDER I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot! BRIAN I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp? BENDER No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp... BRIAN What do you know about Trigonometry? BENDER I could care less about Trigonometry... BRIAN Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering? BENDER Without lamps, there'd be no light! CLAIRE Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one... Allison feels left out. ALLISON I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth... CLAIRE With your feet? ALLISON ...play Heart & Soul on the piano. BRIAN I can make spaghetti! CLAIRE (to Andrew) What can you do? ANDREW I can...uh...tape all your buns together... BENDER I wanna see what Claire can do! CLAIRE I can't do anything. BENDER Now, everybody can do something... CLAIRE There's one thing I can do, no forget it, it's way too embarrassing. BENDER You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years. CLAIRE Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh...I can't believe I'm actually doing this... Claire takes lipstick out and opens it. She places it between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage. When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect. Everyone claps. Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow. ANDREW All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that? CLAIRE Camp, seventh grade... BENDER That was great, Claire...my image of you is totally blown... ALLISON You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh! BENDER Am I laughing? ANDREW You fucking prick! Bender turns to Andrew. As he speaks, we can see his words hitting home. BENDER What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? (he turns to Claire) And you...don't like me anyway! CLAIRE You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them! BENDER God, you're so pathetic! (furious) Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire. CLAIRE (quietly) Shut up... BENDER Are those real diamonds, Claire? CLAIRE (angry) Shut up! BENDER CLAIRE I bet they are...did you work, for the money Shut... for those earrings? Your mouth! BENDER Or did your daddy buy those? CLAIRE (furious) Shut up! Claire starts crying. BENDER I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home'n cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay? There are a few beats. ANDREW My God, are we gonna be like our parents? CLAIRE Not me...ever... ALLISON It's unavoidable, it just happens. CLAIRE What happens? ALLISON When you grow up, your heart dies. BENDER Who cares? Allison is on the verge of tears herself. ALLISON I care... BRIAN Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I? ANDREW No... BRIAN So, so on Monday...what happens? CLAIRE Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is? BRIAN Yeah... CLAIRE Do you want the truth? BRIAN Yeah, I want the truth... CLAIRE I don't think so... ALLISON Well, do you mean all of us or just John? CLAIRE With all of you... ANDREW That's a real nice attitude, Claire! CLAIRE Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him! ANDREW No way! ALLISON 'Kay, what if I came up to you? CLAIRE Same exact thing! BENDER (furious and screaming at Claire) You are a bitch! CLAIRE Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch? BENDER No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like! CLAIRE Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me. BENDER (furious once again) Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Carribean! CLAIRE (furious and sobbing) Shut up! BENDER And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom! CLAIRE I hate you! BENDER Yeah? Good! There is silence until Brian speaks. BRIAN Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos... (to Allison) Do you, would you do that to me? ALLISON I don't have any friends... BRIAN Well if you did? ALLISON No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind... BRIAN I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty... CLAIRE Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us... Brian laughs at her. BRIAN You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that? CLAIRE (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say! BRIAN Well then why do you do it? CLAIRE I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you! Brian is shocked. BRIAN I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well fuck you! Fuck you! Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying. BRIAN Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker... ANDREW Why'd you have a gun in your locker? BRIAN I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I... ANDREW What's the gun for Brian? BRIAN Just forget it... ANDREW You brought it up, man! BRIAN I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me! CLAIRE (with pity) Oh Brian... Brian bashes a chair over. BRIAN So I considered my options, you know? CLAIRE No! Killing yourself is not an option! BRIAN Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so! ALLISON It was a hand gun? BRIAN No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker. ANDREW Really? Andrew starts to laugh. BRIAN It's not funny... They all start to laugh, including Brian. BRIAN Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was destroyed! ALLISON You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do. Everyone laughs. ALLISON You're laughing at me... ANDREW No! Allison starts to laugh too. ALLISON Yeah you are! CUT TO: 31. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. We see Brian putting a record on and then music starts. We see them all dancing. This goes on for the duration of the song. CUT TO: 32. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY We see Bender crawling back through the heating duct. CUT TO: 33. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Andrew, Allison, Claire and Brian are sitting, in that order on the railing. CLAIRE Brian? BRIAN Yeah? CLAIRE Are you gonna write your paper? BRIAN Yeah, why? CLAIRE Well, it's kinda a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think? BRIAN Oh, but that's what Vernon wants us to do... CLAIRE True, but I think we'd all kinda say the same thing. BRIAN You just don't want to write your paper...Right? CLAIRE True, but, you're the smartest, right? BRIAN (with pride) Oh, well... CLAIRE We trust you... Brian glances over at Allison and Andrew who nod in approval. ANDREW Yeah... BRIAN All right, I'll do it... CLAIRE Great... Claire looks at Allison who looks back. CLAIRE (to Allison) Come on... ALLISON Where're we going? CLAIRE Come on! We see Claire putting eye make-up on Allison. CLAIRE Don't be afraid. ALLISON Don't stick that in my eye! CLAIRE I'm not sticking it, just close... just go like that... Claire closes her eyes. Allison mimics her. CLAIRE Good... Claire puts the make-up on her and Allison squeals. CLAIRE You know you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes... ALLISON Hey...I like that black shit... CLAIRE This looks a lot better...look up. We see Brian thinking about what he's going to write. We see Andrew just thinking. We see Allison and Claire again. Claire is still putting make-up on Allison. ALLISON Please, why're you being so nice to me? CLAIRE 'Cause you're letting me. We see Brian begin to write. We see Andrew, still deep in thought. CUT TO: 34. INT. CLOSET - DAY We see Bender, in the closet once again. Claire opens the door and enters. BENDER You lost? Claire stares at him. Bender smiles. Claire smiles. CUT TO: 35. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian is busily preparing the essay. Andrew looks up and sees the newly made over Allison and is in awe. Allison walks towards him and stops when she notices Brian staring at her with his mouth open. She glares at him. BRIAN Cool! ALLISON (smiling) Thank you! CUT TO: 36. INT. CLOSET - DAY Claire kisses Bender, then she breaks the kiss. BENDER Why'd you do that? CLAIRE 'Cause I knew you wouldn't. BENDER You know how you said before, how your parents used you to get back at each other...wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity? CLAIRE Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick? BENDER Truth? CLAIRE Truth... Bender nods and speaks at the same time. BENDER No... CUT TO: 37. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Brian lift up his paper and kiss it. We see Andrew and Allison. ANDREW What happened to you? ALLISON Why? Claire did it! What's wrong? ANDREW Nothing's wrong, it's just so different. I can see your face. ALLISON Is that good or bad? ANDREW (laughing) It's good! Allison smiles. We see Brian laugh and give himself a congratulatory punch in the arm. CUT TO: 38. INT. HALLWAY - DAY The five are walking down the hall where they are met by Carl, sweeping up. Brian nods at him. CARL See ya Brian... BRIAN Hey Carl... BENDER (to Carl) See you next Saturday... CARL You bet! CUT TO: 39. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Brian gets into his dadís car and leaves. Andrew and Allison kiss, Allison rips a patch off Andrewís jacket and gets into the car. Andrew's dad arrives and looks at him, then at Allison. Andrew gets into the car and they drive off. We see Claire take out one of her diamond earrings and put it into Benders hand. They kiss and she gets into her car. She leaves. We see Bender put the earring in his ear. CUT TO: 40. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Vernon pick up Brian's essay and begin to read. BRIAN (VO) Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. CUT TO: 41. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY We see Bender walking towards us as Brian's monologue continues. BRIAN (VO) (CONT'D) But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... ANDREW (VO) ...and an athlete... ALLISON (VO) ...and a basket case... CLAIRE (VO) ...a princess... BENDER (VO) ...and a criminal... BRIAN (VO) Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. We see Bender walking across the football field as he thrusts his fist into the air in a silent cheer and freezes there.