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Clerks (1994)

by Kevin Smith.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


INT: BEDROOM. EARLY-MORNING HOURS

A DOG sleeps on a neatly made bed.

A CLOCK reads twenty to six.

A SHELF OF BOOKS holds such classics as Dante's Inferno,
Beyond Good and Evil, The Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark
Knight Returns. A FRAMED DIPLOMA, dusty and unkempt, hangs
askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck in the
corner, and a bra weighs one end down. A PHONE sits quietly
atop a bundle of laundry. It suddenly explodes with a
resounding ring-once, twice, three times. A CLOSET DOOR
swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. THE PHONE
rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking
it off the trash can, O.C. THE RUMPLED FIGURE lays with his
back to the camera, phone in hand.

			FIGURE
		(groggily)
	Hello...What?...No, I don't work
	today...I'm playing hockey at two.

THE DOG yawns and shakes its head.

			FIGURE (O.C.)
	Why don't you call Randal?...
	Because I'm fucking tired....I just
	closed last night....
		(deep sigh)
	Jesus...What time are you going to
	come in?...Twelve...Be there be
	twelve?...Swear...

A PICTURE OF A GIRL leans against a trophy. The picture is
decorated with a Play-Doh beard and mustache.

			FIGURE (O.C.)
	Swear you'll be in by twelve and
	I'll do it....Twelve...Twelve or I
	walk.

THE PHONE RECEIVER slams into the cradle. THE RUMPLED FIGURE
slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair
and stands.

THE DOG stands and wags its tail. A hand pats its head. The
Rumpled Figure lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It
is the face of DANTE and this is Dante's room; this is
Dante's life. DANTE grabs the dog and wrestles it.

			DANTE
	Next time, I get the bed.

									2.


He releases the dog and sits up.

			DANTE
		(exhausted)
	Shit.

						CUT TO:

INT: BATHROOM. MINUTES LATER

A steaming shower fills the room. The dog licks water from
the toilet.

						CUT TO:

INT: KITCHEN. MINUTES LATER

A towel-dressed DANTE opens the fridge and peers inside. He
grabs a half-empty gallon of milk and closes the door.

						CUT TO:

INT: KITCHEN. SECONDS LATER

Chocolate milk mix is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two
scoops, three scoops, four scoops.

						CUT TO:

INT: BEDROOM. A MINUTE LATER

DANTE gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet
for some clothes. Some chocolate milk spills on the floor.
THE DOG laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.

						CUT TO:

INT: HALLWAY. MINUTES LATER

DANTE'S feet are hastily covered. A hand grabs keys from
atop a VCR.

						CUT TO:

EXT: DRIVEWAY. MINUTES LATER

A car backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street.

						CUT TO:

									3.


EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

The car pulls up, with a screech. Feet descend to the ground
from the open door. Keys jam into a lock and pop it open.

						CUT TO:

DANTE lifts the metal shutter revealing the door. He opens
it and grabs two bundles of papers, throwing them inside the
store.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

A very dark room barely lit by the daylight. Suddenly, the
lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the
convenience store. THE CAT looks at DANTE as he passes the
camera quickly. THE PAPER BUNDLE is snapped open with a
knife. Newspapers slam into the appropriate racks. One rack
remains empty. A coffee filter is placed in a metal pot.
Ground coffee follows, and the mix is shoved into place in
the coffeemaker. The switch is flicked and the machine comes
to life. The empty newspaper rack with the heading ASBURY
PARK PRESS seems out of place among all the other stacks of
papers. DANTE rubs his chin and stares, puzzled. He rolls
his eyes as it occurs to him.

			DANTE
	Shit.

The register pops open, and a hand extracts a quarter.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

POV: NEWSPAPER MACHINE

Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE
approach. He stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls
the door down, finally allowing us a clear view as he
reaches toward the camera.

DANTE pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press
vending machine. He struggles to hold them all in one hand
as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but
the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot stops
him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.

						CUT TO:

									4.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

The papers drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding
flop. The quarter drops back into the register drawer.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

DANTE tries to jam the key into the window shutter lock. He
looks down at it.

			DANTE
	Shit!

The lock is gummed up with gum or something hard and
obtrusive like gum, preventing the key from being inserted.
DANTE looks around and kicks the shutter angrily. The car
trunk pops open and a hand reaches inside, pulling out a
folded white sheet.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

A can of shoe polish is grabbed from the shelf. DANTE dips
his fingers into the shoe polish and writes large letters on
the unfurled sheet, leaning on the cooler.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

DANTE stands on a garbage can and tucks a corner of the
sheet under the awning. He jumps down. The banner reads I
ASSURE YOU, WE'RE OPEN. The door sign shifts from CLOSED to
OPEN.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. MORNING

The clock reads 6:20. DANTE leans behind the counter, the
morning routine completed. He stares ahead, catatonic, then
drops his head in his hands. The day has begun.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

The store, with its makeshift banner looming in the dim
morning hour, just after dawn. A car drives by.

						CUT TO:

									5.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) buying coffee.

			DANTE
	Thanks. Have a good one.

			ACTIVIST
	Do you mind if I drink this here?

			DANTE
	Sure. Go ahead.

The ACTIVIST leans on a briefcase and drinks his coffee.
Another CUSTOMER leans in the door.

			CUSTOMER
	Are you open?

			DANTE
	Yeah.

			CUSTOMER
	Pack of cigarettes.

			ACTIVIST
	Are you sure?

			CUSTOMER
	Am I sure?

			ACTIVIST
	Are you sure?

			CUSTOMER
	Am I sure about what?

			ACTIVIST
	Do you really want to buy those
	cigarettes?

			CUSTOMER
	Are you serious?

			ACTIVIST
	How long have you been smoking?

			CUSTOMER
		(to DANTE)
	What is this, a poll?

			DANTE
	Beats me.

									6.


			ACTIVIST
	How long have you been a smoker?

			CUSTOMER
	Since I was thirteen.

The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens
it and extracts a sickly-looking lung model.

			ACTIVIST
	I'd say you're about nineteen,
	twenty, am I right?

			CUSTOMER
	What the hell is that?

			ACTIVIST
	That's your lung. By this time,
	your lung looks like this.

			CUSTOMER
	You're shittin' me.

			ACTIVIST
	You think I'm shitting you...

The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.

			CUSTOMER
	What's this?

			ACTIVIST
	It's a trach ring. It's what they
	install in your throat when throat
	cancer takes your voice box. This
	one came out of a sixty-year-old man.

			CUSTOMER
		(drops ring)
	Unnhh!

			ACTIVIST
		(picks up the ring)
	He smoked until the day he died.
	Used to put the cigarette in this
	thing and smoke it that way.

			DANTE
	Excuse me, but...

									7.


			ACTIVIST
	This is where you're heading. A
	cruddy lung, smoking through a hole
	in your throat. Do you really want
	that?

			CUSTOMER
	Well, if it's already too late...

			ACTIVIST
	It's never too late. Give those
	cigarettes back now, and buy some
	gum instead.
		(grabs nearby pack, reads)
	Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this.

			CUSTOMER
	It's not the same.

			ACTIVIST
	It's cheaper than cigarettes. And
	it certainly beats this.

Hands him a picture.

			CUSTOMER
	Jesus!

			ACTIVIST
	It's a picture of a cancer-ridden
	lung. Keep it.

			CUSTOMER
		(to DANTE)
	I'll just take the gum.

			DANTE
	Fifty-five.

			ACTIVIST
	You've made a wise choice. Keep up
	the good work.

The CUSTOMER exits.

			DANTE
	Maybe you should take that coffee
	outside.

			ACTIVIST
	No, I think I'll drink it in here,
	thanks.

									8.


			DANTE
	If you're going to drink it in
	here, I'd appreciate it if you'd
	not bother the customers.

			ACTIVIST
	Okay. I'm sorry about that.

Another CUSTOMER comes up to the counter.

			CUSTOMER
	Pack of cigarettes.
		(looks at model)
	What's that?

			ACTIVIST
	This? How long have you been smoking?

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A blank wall. JAY steps into the frame, followed by SILENT
BOB. JAY pulls off his coat and swings it into the arms of
SILENT BOB. JAY then throws down with a makeshift slam
dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.

			JAY
	WE NEED SOME TITS AND ASS! YEAH!

SILENT BOB lights a smoke.

			JAY
	I feel good today, Silent Bob.
	We're gonna make some money! And
	then you know what we're going to
	do? We're going to go to that party
	and get some pussy! I'm gonna fuck
	this bitch, that bitch...
		(Blue Velvet Hopper)
	I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

SILENT BOB points to something off-screen.

			JAY
		(to O.C.)
	What you looking at?! I'll kick
	your fucking ass!
		(to SILENT BOB)
	Doesn't that motherfucker still owe
	me ten bucks?

SILENT BOB nods.

									9.


			JAY
	Tonight, you and me are going off
	that fucker's head, and take out
	his fucking soul! Remind me if he
	tries to buy something from us, to
	cut it with leafs and twigs...or
	fucking shit in the motherfucker's
	bag!

Some girls walk past. JAY smiles at them.

			JAY
	Wa sup sluts?
		(to SILENT BOB)
	Damn Silent Bob! You one rude
	motherfucker! But you're cute as
	hell.
		(slowly drops to knees)
	I wanna go down on you, and suckle
	you.
		(makes blow job neck-jerks)
	And then, I wanna line up three
	more guys, and make like a circus
	seal...

JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys,
looking quite like a performing seal. He throws a little
humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

			JAY
	Ewwww!  You fucking faggot! I
	fucking hate guys!
		(yelling)
	I LOVE WOMEN!
		(calmer)
	Neh.

A GUY comes up to them.

			GUY
	You selling?

			JAY
		(all business)
	I got hits, hash, weed, and later
	on I'll have 'shrooms. We take
	cash, or stolen MasterCard and Visa.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A SMALL CROWD gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It
has become something of a rally.

								10.


			ACTIVIST
	You're spending what? Twenty,
	thirty dollars a week on cigarettes.

			LISTENER 1
	Forty.

			LISTENER 2
	Fifty-three.

			ACTIVIST
	Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay
	someone that much money every week
	to kill you? Because that's what
	you're doing now, by paying for the
	so-called privilege to smoke!

			LISTENER 3
	We all gotta go sometime...

			ACTIVIST
	It's that kind of mentality that
	allows this cancer-producing
	industry to thrive. Of course we're
	all going to die someday, but do we
	have to pay for it? Do we have to
	actually throw hard-earned dollars
	on a counter and say, "Please,
	please, Mister Merchant of Death,
	sir; please sell me something that
	will give me bad breath, stink up
	my clothes, and fry my lungs."

			LISTENER 1
	It's not that easy to quit.

			ACTIVIST
	Of course it's not; not when you
	have people like this mindless
	cretin so happy and willing to sell
	you nails for your coffin!

			DANTE
	Hey, now wait a sec...

			ACTIVIST
	Now he's going to launch into his
	rap about how he's just doing his
	job; following orders.
			(MORE)

								11.


			ACTIVIST (CONT'D)
	Friends, let me tell you about
	another bunch of hate mongers that
	were just following orders: they
	were called Nazis, and they
	practically wiped a nation of
	people from the Earth...just like
	cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette
	smoking is the new Holocaust, and
	those that partake in the practice
	of smoking or sell the wares that
	promote it are the Nazis of the
	nineties! He doesn't care how many
	people die from it! He smiles as
	you pay for your cancer sticks and
	says, "Have a nice day."

			DANTE
	I think you'd better leave now.

			ACTIVIST
	You want me to leave? Why? Because
	somebody is telling it like it is?
	Somebody's giving these fine people
	a wake-up call?!

			DANTE
	You're loitering in here, and
	causing a disturbance.

			ACTIVIST
	You're the disturbance, pal! And
	here...
		(slaps a dollar on
		the counter)
	I'm buying some...what's
	this?...Chewlie's Gum. There. I'm
	no longer loitering. I'm a customer,
	a customer engaged in a discussion
	with other customers.

			LISTENER 2
		(to DANTE)
	Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!

			ACTIVIST
	Oh, he's scared now! He sees the
	threat we present! He smells the
	changes coming, and the loss of
	sales when the nonsmokers finally
	demand satisfaction. We demand the
	right to breathe cleaner air!

								12.


			LISTENER 3
	Yeah!

			ACTIVIST
	We'd rather chew our gum than
	embrace slow death! Let's abolish
	this heinous practice of sucking
	poison, and if it means ruffling
	the feathers of a convenience store
	idiot, then so be it!

			DANTE
	That's it, everybody out.

			ACTIVIST
	We're not moving! We have a right,
	a constitutional right, to assemble
	and be heard!

			DANTE
	Yeah, but not in here.

			ACTIVIST
	What better place than this? To
	stamp it out, you gotta start at
	the source!

			DANTE
	Like I'm responsible for all the
	smokers!

			ACTIVIST
	The ones in this town, yes! You
	encourage their growth, their habit.
	You're the source in this area, and
	we're going to shut you down for
	good! For good, cancer-merchant!

The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE's face.

			CROWD
	Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!
	Cancer merchant!

VERONICA enters and surveys the mess. The CROWD throws
cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a
loud blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the
throng. Everyone turns to face...

VERONICA as she stands in one of the freezer cases, holding
a fire extinguisher.

			VERONICA
	Who's leading this mob?

								13.


The CROWD looks among themselves. Someone points to O.C.

			SOMEONE
	That guy.

The ACTIVIST carries his briefcase surreptitiously toward
the door.

			VERONICA (O.C.)
	Freeze.

VERONICA jumps off the freezer case, training the nozzle of
the extinguisher on the ACTIVIST.

			VERONICA
	Let's see some credentials.

He reaches into his briefcase. She pokes the extinguisher
nozzle at him, warningly.

			VERONICA
	Slowly...

He pulls out a business card and hands it to her. She reads
it.

			VERONICA
	You're a Chewlie's Gum
	representative?

He nods.

			VERONICA
	And you're stirring up all this
	antismoking sentiment
	to...what?...sell more gum?

He nods again.

			VERONICA
		(through gritted teeth)
	Get out of here.

He quickly flees. She blasts him with more chemical as he
exits.

			VERONICA
		(to the crowd)
	And you people: Don't you have jobs
	to go to? Get out of here and go
	commute.

The CROWD sheepishly exits, one by one, offering apologetic
glances. DANTE tries to regain his composure.

								14.


VERONICA watches the crowd disperse, disgusted.

			VERONICA
	You oughta be ashamed of yourselves.
	Easily led automatons. Try thinking
	for yourself before you pelt and
	innocent man with cigarettes.

The last of the crowd exits. VERONICA sets the fire
extinguisher down next to DANTE. DANTE is sitting on the
floor, head in his folded arms.

			VERONICA
	It looked like Tiananmen Square in
	here for a second.

DANTE is silent.

			VERONICA
	"Thank you, Veronica; you saved me
	from an extremely ugly mob scene."

DANTE remains silent.

			VERONICA
		(sits beside him)
	Okay, champ. What's wrong?

DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.

			VERONICA
	All right, stupid question. But
	don't you think you're taking this
	a bit too hard?

			DANTE
	Too hard?! I don't have enough
	indignities in my life-people start
	throwing cigarettes at me!

			VERONICA
	At least they weren't lit.

			DANTE
	I hate this fucking place.

			VERONICA
	Then quit. You should be going to
	school anyway...

			DANTE
	Please, Veronica. Last thing I need
	is a lecture at this point.

								15.


			VERONICA
	All I'm saying is that if you're
	unhappy you should leave.

			DANTE
	I'm not even supposed to be here
	today!

			VERONICA
	I know. I stopped by your house and
	your mom said you left at like six
	or something.

			DANTE
	The guy got sick and couldn't come
	in.

			VERONICA
	Don't you have a hockey game at two?

			DANTE
	Yes! And I'm going to play like
	shit because I didn't get a good
	night's sleep!

			VERONICA
	Why did you agree to come in then?

			DANTE
	I'm only here until twelve, then
	I'm gone. The boss is coming in.

			VERONICA
	Why don't you open the shutters and
	get some sunlight in here?

			DANTE
	Somebody jammed the locks with gum.

			VERONICA
	You're kidding.

			DANTE
	Bunch of savages in this town.

			VERONICA
	You look bushed. What time did you
	get to bed?

			DANTE
	I don't know-like two-thirty, three.

			VERONICA
	What were you doing up so late?

								16.


			DANTE
		(skirting)
	Hunhh? Nothing.

			VERONICA
		(persistent)
	What were you doing?

			DANTE
	Nothing! Jesus! I gotta fight with
	you now?

			VERONICA
	Who's fighting? Why are you so
	defensive?

			DANTE
	Who's defensive? Just...Would you
	just hug me?! All right? Your
	boyfriend was accosted by an angry
	mob, and he needs to be hugged.

She stares at him.

			DANTE
	What? What is that?

			VERONICA
	She called you, didn't she?

			DANTE
	Oh, be real! Would you...Would you
	please hug me? I just went through
	a very traumatic experience and I
	haven't been having the best day so
	far. Now come on.

VERONICA stares at him.

			DANTE
	What? What's with that look?! I
	wasn't talking to anyone, especially
	her! Look at you, being all sort
	of...I don't know...stand-offish.

VERONICA looks away.

			DANTE
	Fine. You don't trust me, don't hug
	me. I see how it is. All right
	Pissy-pants, you just go on being
	suspicious and quiet. I don't even
	want to hug you at this point.

								17.


VERONICA looks back at him.

			DANTE
		(pleadingly)
	Give you a dollar?

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A NOTE on the counter next to a small pile of money reads:

PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE CHANGE WHEN
APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.

DANTE and VERONICA are slumped on the floor, behind the
counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in her arms, his head on her
chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.

			DANTE
		(to O.C. customer)
	Thanks.

The door is heard opening and closing-a customer leaving.

			VERONICA
	How much money did you leave up
	there?

			DANTE
	Like three dollars in mixed change
	and a couple of singles. People
	only get the paper of coffee this
	time of morning.

			VERONICA
	You're trusting.

			DANTE
	Why do you say that?

			VERONICA
	How do you know they're taking the
	right amount of change? Or even
	paying for what they take?

			DANTE
	Theoretically, people see money on
	the counter and nobody around, they
	think they're being watched.

			VERONICA
	Honesty through paranoia. Why do
	you smell like shoe polish?

								18.


			DANTE
	I had to use shoe polish to make
	that sign. The smell won't come off.

			VERONICA
	Do you think anyone can see us down
	here?

			DANTE
	Why? You wanna have sex or something?

			VERONICA
		(sarcastic)
	Ooh! Can we?!

			DANTE
	Really?

			VERONICA
	I was kidding.

			DANTE
	Yeah, right. You can't get enough
	of me.

			VERONICA
	Typically male point of view.

			DANTE
	How do you figure?

			VERONICA
	You show some bedroom proficiency,
	and you think you're gods. What
	about what we do for you?

			DANTE
	Women? Women, as lovers, are all
	basically the same: they just have
	to be there.

			VERONICA
	"Be there?"

			DANTE
	Making a male climax is not all
	that challenging: insert somewhere
	close and preferably moist; thrust;
	repeat.

			VERONICA
	How flattering.

								19.


			DANTE
	Now, making a woman cum...therein
	lies a challenge.

			VERONICA
	Oh, you think so?

			DANTE
	A girl makes a guy cum, it's
	standard. A guy makes a girl cum,
	it's talent.

			VERONICA
	And I actually date you?

			DANTE
	Something wrong?

			VERONICA
	I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
	it takes more than that to get a
	guy off. Just "being there"-as you
	put it-is not enough.

			DANTE
	I touched a nerve.

			VERONICA
	I'm astonished to hear you
	trivialize my role in our sex life.

			DANTE
	It wasn't directed at you. I was
	making a broad generalization.

			VERONICA
	You were making a generalization
	about "broads!"

			DANTE
	These are my opinions based on my
	experiences with the few women who
	were good enough to sleep with me.

			VERONICA
	How many?

			DANTE
	How many what?

			VERONICA
	How many girls have you slept with?

								20.


			DANTE
	How many different girls? Didn't we
	already have this discussion once?

			VERONICA
	We might have; I don't remember.
	How many?

			DANTE
	Including you?

			VERONICA
	It better be up to and including me.

			DANTE
		(pause to count)
	Twelve.

			VERONICA
	You've slept with twelve different
	girls?

			DANTE
	Including you; yes.

Pause. She slaps him.

			DANTE
	What the hell was that for?

			VERONICA
	You're a pig.

			DANTE
	Why'd you hit me?

			VERONICA
	Do you know how many different men
	I've had sex with?

			DANTE
	Do I get to hit you after you tell
	me?

			VERONICA
	Three.

			DANTE
	Three?

			VERONICA
	Three including you.

								21.


			DANTE
	You've only had sex with three
	different people?

			VERONICA
	I'm not the pig you are.

			DANTE
	Who?

			VERONICA
	You!

			DANTE
	No; who were the three, besides me?

			VERONICA
	John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.

			DANTE
		(with true admiration)
	Wow. That's great. That's something
	to be proud of.

			VERONICA
	I am. And that's why you should
	feel like a pig. You men make me
	sick. You'll sleep with anything
	that says yes.

			DANTE
	Animal, vegetable, or mineral.

			VERONICA
	Vegetable meaning paraplegic.

			DANTE
	They put up the least amount of
	struggle.

			VERONICA
	After dropping a bombshell like
	that, you owe me. Big.

			DANTE
	All right. Name it.

			VERONICA
	I want you to come with me on Monday.

			DANTE
	Where?

								22.


			VERONICA
	To school. There's a seminar about
	getting back into a scholastic
	program after a lapse in enrollment.

			DANTE
	Can't we ever have a discussion
	without that coming up?

			VERONICA
	It's important to me, Dante. You
	have so much potential that just
	goes to waste in this pit. I wish
	you'd go back to school.

			DANTE
	Jesus, would you stop? You make my
	head hurt when you talk about this.

VERONICA stands, letting DANTE'S head hit the floor.

			DANTE
	Shit! Why are we getting up?

			VERONICA
	Unlike you, I have a class in
	forty-five minutes.

A handsome young man (WILLAM) is standing at the counter.
VERONICA reacts to him.

			VERONICA
		(surprised)
	Willam!

			WILLAM
	Ronnie! How are you? You work here
	now?

			VERONICA
		(locks arms with DANTE)
	No, I'm just visiting my man.
		(to DANTE)
	Dante, this is Willam Black.
		(to WILLAM)
	This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

			DANTE
	How are you? Just the soda?

			WILLAM
	And a pack of cigarettes.
		(to VERONICA; paying)
	Are you still going to Seton Hall?

								23.


			VERONICA
	No, I transferred into Monmouth
	this year. I was tired of missing
	him.
		(squeezes DANTE'S arm)


			WILLAM
	Do you still talk to Sylvan?

			VERONICA
	I just talked to her on Monday. We
	still hang out on weekends.

			WILLAM
		(leaving)
	That's cool. Well-you two lovebirds
	take it easy, all right?

			VERONICA
	I will. Take it easy.

			WILLAM
	Bye.
		(exits)


			VERONICA
	Bye
		(to DANTE)
	That was Snowball.

			DANTE
	Why do you call him that?

			VERONICA
	Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job
	thing.

			DANTE
	What do you mean?

			VERONICA
	After he gets a blow job, he likes
	to have the cum spit back into his
	mouth while kissing. It's called
	snowballing.

			DANTE
	He requested this?

			VERONICA
	He gets off on it.

								24.


			DANTE
	Sylvan can be talked into anything.

			VERONICA
	Why do you say that?

			DANTE
	Like you said-she snowballed him.

			VERONICA
	Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.

			DANTE
	Yeah, right.

			VERONICA
	I'm serious...

A moment of silence as DANTE'S chuckles fade to comprehension.

			DANTE
	You sucked that guy's dick?

			VERONICA
	Yeah. How do you think I know he
	liked...

			DANTE
		(panicky)
	But...but you said you only had sex
	with three guys! You never mentioned
	him!

			VERONICA
	That's because I never had sex with
	him!

			DANTE
	You sucked his dick!

			VERONICA
	We went out a few times. We didn't
	have sex, but we fooled around.

			DANTE
		(massive panic attack)
	Oh my God! Why did you tell me you
	only slept with three guys?

			VERONICA
	Because I did only sleep with three
	guys! That doesn't mean I didn't
	just go with people.

								25.


			DANTE
	Oh my God-I feel so nauseous...

			VERONICA
	I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you
	understood.

			DANTE
	I did understand! I understand that
	you slept with three different
	guys, and that's all you said.

			VERONICA
	Please calm down.

			DANTE
	How many?

			VERONICA
	Dante...

			DANTE
	How many dicks have you sucked?!

			VERONICA
	Let it go...

			DANTE
	HOW MANY?

			VERONICA
	All right! Shut up a second and
	I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't
	freak like this when you told me
	how many girls you fucked.

			DANTE
	This is different. This is important.
	How many?!

She counts silently, using fingers as marks. DANTE waits on
a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting.

			DANTE
	Well...?

			VERONICA
		(half-mumbled)
	Something like thirty-six.

			DANTE
	WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?

								26.


			VERONICA
	Lower your voice!

			DANTE
	What the hell is that anyway,
	"something like thirty-six?" Does
	that include me?

			VERONICA
	Um. Thirty-seven.

			DANTE
	I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?

			VERONICA
		(walking away)
	I'm going to class.

			DANTE
	Thirty-seven?!
		(to CUSTOMER)
	My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven
	dicks!

			CUSTOMER
	In a row?

DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.

			DANTE
	Hey! Where are you going?!

			VERONICA
	Hey listen, jerk! Until today you
	never even knew how many guys I'd
	slept with, because you never even
	asked. And then you act all
	nonchalant about fucking twelve
	different girls. Well, I never had
	sex with twelve different guys!

			DANTE
	No, but you sucked enough dick!

			VERONICA
	Yeah, I went down on a few guys...

			DANTE
	A few?

								27.


			VERONICA
	...And one of those guys was you!
	The last one, I might add, which-if
	you're too stupid to comprehend-
	means that I've been faithful to
	you since we met! All the other
	guys I went with before I met you,
	so, if you want to have a complex
	about it, go ahead! But don't look
	at me like I'm the town whore,
	because you were plenty busy
	yourself, before you met me!

			DANTE
		(a bit more rational)
	Well...why did you have to suck
	their dicks? Why didn't you just
	sleep with them, like any decent
	person?!

			VERONICA
	Because going down it's a big deal!
	I used to like a guy, we'd make
	out, and sooner or later I'd go
	down on him. But I only had sex
	with the guys I loved.

			DANTE
	I feel sick.

			VERONICA
		(holds him)
	I love you. Don't feel sick.

			DANTE
	Every time I kiss you now I'm going
	to taste thirty-six other guys.

VERONICA violently lets go of him.

			VERONICA
	I'm going to school. Maybe later
	you'll be a bit more rational.

			DANTE
		(pause)
	Thirty-seven. I just can't...

			VERONICA
	Goodbye, Dante.

She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a
moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out.

								28.


			DANTE
	Try not to suck any more dicks on
	your way through the parking lot!

Two men who were walking in the opposite direction outside
double back and head in the direction. VERONICA went.

			DANTE
	HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A videocassette encased in the customary black box flips
repeatedly, held by an impatient grasp. The IMPATIENT
CUSTOMER glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of Paradise
Lost, making a strong attempt at not noticing the glare.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		(pissed off)
	I thought that place was supposed
	to be opened at eleven o'clock?
	It's twenty after!

			DANTE
	I called his house twice already.
	He should be here soon.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	It's not like it's a demanding job.
	I'd like to get paid to sit on my
	ass and watch TV. The other day I
	walked in there and that sonofabitch
	was sleeping.

			DANTE
	I'm sure he wasn't sleeping.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	You calling me a liar?

			DANTE
	No; he was probably just resting
	his eyes.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	What the hell is that? Resting his
	eyes! It's not like he's some
	goddamned air traffic controller!

			DANTE
	Actually, that's his night job.

								29.


			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	Such a wiseass. But go ahead. Crack
	wise. That's why you're jockeying a
	register in some fucking local
	convenience store instead of doing
	an honest day's work.
		(tosses tape on counter)
	I got no more time to bullshit
	around waiting for that sonofabitch.
	You make sure this gets back. The
	number's eight-twelve-Wynarski. And
	I wanted to get a damn movie, too.

			DANTE
	If you'll just tell me the title of
	your rental choice, I'll have him
	hold it for you.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		(storming out)
	Don't hurt yourself. I'm going to
	Big Choice Video instead.

He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.

			DANTE
		(in a whisper)
	You forgot your keys.

The half-filled trash can swallows the ring of keys.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

Another VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER leans against the video store
door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and stops. He glances at
the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	The guy ain't here yet.

			RANDAL
	You're kidding. It's almost eleven-
	thirty!

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	I know. I've been here since eleven.

			RANDAL
		(kicks the door)
	Man! I hate it when I can't rent
	videos!

								30.


			V.A. CUSTOMER
	I would've went to Big Choice, but
	the tape I want is right there on
	the wall.

			RANDAL
	Which one?

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	Dental School.

			RANDAL
	You came for that too? That's the
	movie I came for.

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	I have first dibs.

			RANDAL
	Says who?

			V.A. CUSTOMER
		(suddenly snotty)
	Says me. I've been here for half an
	hour. I'd call that first dibs.

			RANDAL
	Ain't gonna happen, my friend. I'm
	getting that tape.

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	Like hell you are!

			RANDAL
	I'll bet you twenty bucks you don't
	get to rent that tape.

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	Twenty bucks?

			RANDAL
	Twenty bucks.

			V.A. CUSTOMER
	All right, asshole, you're on.

RANDAL walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a
sentry at post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	You see a pair of keys lying around
	here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

								31.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

RANDAL dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees
DANTE and stops dead, midshuffle.

			DANTE
	You're late.

			RANDAL
	What the hell are you doing here? I
	thought you were playing hockey at
	one.

			DANTE
	The boss called. Arthur fell ill.

			RANDAL
	Why are the shutters closed?

			DANTE
	Someone jammed gum in the locks.

			RANDAL
	Bunch of savages in this town.

			DANTE
	That's what I said.

			RANDAL
	Shit, if I'd known you were working,
	I would've come even later.

A pile of videocassettes is plopped onto the counter, with a
single key on top. RANDAL balances the pile of tapes on his
head.

			RANDAL
	What time do you have to stay till?

			DANTE
	He assured me that he'd be here by
	twelve.

			RANDAL
	What smells like shoe polish?

			DANTE
	Go open the sore.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stops RANDAL.

								32.


			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	Hey-did you see a set of keys lying
	around here?

			RANDAL
		(as Short-round)
	No time for love, Doctor Jones!

RANDAL marches off. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stares after him.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
	Fucking kids.

The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER now sits on the ground, next to
the video store door. RANDAL balances his burden and shoves
the key into the lock. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stares as
RANDAL enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to
be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later.
RANDAL smiles.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A coffee filter is shoved into the metal pan and someone
heaps ground coffee on it. We've seen this same routine
before. DANTE crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters,
tossing the key into the air happily and catching it. He
picks the cat up.

			RANDAL
	Some guy just came in refusing to
	pay late fees. He said the store
	was closed for two hours yesterday.
	I tore up his membership.

			DANTE
	Shocking abuse of authority.

			RANDAL
	I'm a firm believer in the
	philosophy of a ruling class,
	especially since I rule.
		(furtively)
	Is the Pelican flying?

			DANTE
	Don't screw with it. It makes us
	look suspicious.

			RANDAL
	I can't stand a voyeur. I'll be back.

								33.


RANDAL heads toward the walk-in door.

						CUT TO:

INT: BACK ROOM. DAY

POV: VCR

A far-away wall is the only thing we see, but mild gruntings
give away an ascension of sorts. RANDAL'S head rises into
view, as if he's climbing a ladder. He stops and looks into
the lens.

POV: RANDAL

The PELICAN is a VCR that's hooked up to a surveillance
camera. It records quickly. A hand reaches into the frame
and shuts it off.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

RANDAL pulls a soda from the cooler.

			RANDAL
	Want something to drink? I'm buying.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	No, thanks.

			RANDAL
	Who was on your phone this morning
	at about two-thirty? I was trying
	to call for a half an hour.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	Why?

			RANDAL
	I wanted to use your car.

He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at
it.

			RANDAL
	Snake cake?

DANTE sits in his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a
paper and joins him behind the counter.

			DANTE
	You don't want to know.

								34.


			RANDAL
	You called Caitlin again?

			DANTE
	She called me.

			RANDAL
	Did you tell Veronica?

			DANTE
	One fight a day with Veronica is
	about all I can stomach, thanks.

			RANDAL
	What do you two fight about?

			DANTE
	I guess it's not really fighting.
	She just wants me to leave here, go
	back to school, get some direction.

			RANDAL
		(opening paper)
	I'll bet the most frequent topic of
	arguments is Caitlin Bree.

			DANTE
	You win.

			RANDAL
	I'm going to offer you some advice,
	my friend: let the past be the past.
	Forget Caitlin Bree. You've been
	with Veronica for how long now?

			DANTE
	Seven months.

			RANDAL
	Chick's nuts about you. How long
	did you date Caitlin?

			DANTE
	Five years.

			RANDAL
	Chick only made you nuts. She
	cheated on you how many times?

			DANTE
	Eight and a half.

								35.


			RANDAL
		(looks up from paper)
	Eight and a half?

			DANTE
	Party at John K's-senior year. I
	get blitzed and pass out in his
	bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives
	all over me.

			RANDAL
	That's cheating?

			DANTE
	In the middle of it, she calls me
	Brad.

			RANDAL
	She called you Brad?

			DANTE
	She called me Brad.

			RANDAL
	That's not cheating. People say
	crazy shit during sex. One time, I
	called this girl "Mom."

			DANTE
	I hit the lights and she freaks.
	Turns out she thought I was Brad
	Michaelson.

			RANDAL
	What do you mean?

			DANTE
	She was supposed to meet Brad
	Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked
	the wrong one. She had no idea I
	was even at the party.

			RANDAL
	Oh, my God.

			DANTE
	Great story, isn't it?

			RANDAL
	That girl was vile to you.

								36.


			DANTE
	Interesting postscript to that
	story: Do you know who wound up
	going with Brad Michaelson in the
	other dark bedroom?

			RANDAL
	Your mother.

			DANTE
	Allan Harris.

			RANDAL
	Chess team Allan Harris?!

			DANTE
	The two moved to Idaho together
	after graduation. They raise sheep.

			RANDAL
	That's frightening.

			DANTE
	It takes different strokes to move
	the world.

			RANDAL
	In light of this lurid tale, I
	don't see how you could even
	romanticize your relationship with
	Caitlin-she broke your heart and
	inadvertently drove men to deviant
	lifestyles.

			DANTE
	Because there was a lot of good in
	our relationship.

			RANDAL
	Oh yeah.

			DANTE
	I'm serious. Aside from the
	cheating, we were a great couple.
	That's what high school's all
	about-algebra, bad lunch, and
	infidelity.

			RANDAL
	You think things would be any
	different now?

								37.


			DANTE
	They are. When she calls me now,
	she's a different person-she's
	frightened and vulnerable. She's
	about to finish college and enter
	the real world. That's got to be
	scary for anyone.

			RANDAL
		(suddenly recalling)
	Oh shit, I've got to place an order.

			DANTE
	I'm talking to myself here.

			RANDAL
	No, no, I'm listening. She's
	leaving college, and...?

			DANTE
	...and she's looking to me for
	support. And I think that this is
	leading our relationship to a new
	level.

			RANDAL
	What about Veronica?

			DANTE
	I think the arguments Veronica and
	I are having are some kind of
	manifestation of a subconscious
	desire to break away from her so
	that I can pursue the possibility
	of a more meaningful relationship
	with Caitlin.

			RANDAL
	Caitlin's on the same wave-length?

			DANTE
	I think it's safe to say yes.

			RANDAL
	Then I think all four of you had
	better sit down and talk it over.

			DANTE
	All four?

			RANDAL
	You, Veronica, Caitlin...
		(lays paper flat)
	...and Caitlin's fiancÚ.

								38.


THE HEADLINE of the engagement announcement reads, BREE TO
WED ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR.

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

			RANDAL
	Yes, I'd like to place an order,
	please...Thank you.

A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

			MOTHER
	Excuse me, but do you see videotapes?

			RANDAL
	What were you looking for?

			MOTHER
		(smiling)
	It's called Happy Scrappy-The Hero
	Pup.

			SMALL CHILD
	Happy Scrappy!

			RANDAL
	I'm on the phone with the
	distribution house now. Let me make
	sure they have it. What's it called
	again?

			MOTHER
	Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

			SMALL CHILD
	Happy Scrappy!

			MOTHER
		(more smiling)
	She loves the tape.

			RANDAL
	Obviously.
		(to phone)
	Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video
	calling. Customer number four-
	three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like
	to place an order...Okay...
			(MORE)

								39.


			RANDAL (CONT'D)
		(reading from list)
	I need one each of the following
	tapes: Whisper in the Wind, To Each
	His Own, Put it Where It Doesn't
	Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All
	Tit-Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need
	Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-
	Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts,
	Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked
	Sluts, Cum Buns Three, Cumming in a
	Sock, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black
	Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Slam
	It Up My Too-Loose Ass, Ass Blasters
	in Outer Space, Blowjobs by Betsy,
	Sucking Cock and Cunt, Finger My
	Ass, Play with my Puss, Three on a
	Dildo, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls
	Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone Two-The
	K.Y. Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,
	and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.
	Oh, and...
		(to MOTHER)
	What was the name of that movie?

			MOTHER
		(nearly dazed)
	Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

			RANDAL
		(on phone)
	And a copy of Happy Scrappy-The
	Hero Pup...Okay, thanks.
		(hangs up; to MOTHER)
	Sixteen forty-nine. It'll be here
	Monday.

Silence. Then...

			SMALL CHILD
	Cunt!

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE carries a litter box to be dumped. He pauses midstrike
and lays it on the ice cream chest. DANTE picks up the phone
and looks at the paper. He dials and waits.
_
								40.


			DANTE
	Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint
	in today's edition...Today's
	edition...It says "Bree to Wed
	Asian Design Major...No, no;
	everything's spelled fine. I just
	wanted to know if the piece was a
	misprint...I don't know, like a
	typographical error or something...

A CUSTOMER comes to the counter and waits. He looks at the
litter box. A black cat suddenly jumps into it and starts
pawing around.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	Maybe it's supposed to be Caitlin
	Bray, or Caitlin Bre, with one
	e...I'm a curious party...A curious
	party...

DANTE on the phone:

			DANTE
	...I'm an ex-boyfriend...Well, it's
	just that we talk all the time, and
	she never mentioned this engagement,
	which is why I'm thinking maybe
	it's a misprint...

The CUSTOMER watches as the cat takes a huge dump, leaning
on its haunches to accommodate the stinky load.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	...Are you sure?...Maybe there's
	like a vindictive printer working
	for you...

DANTE on the phone:

			DANTE
	Meaning like someone who maybe-I
	don't know-asked her out once and
	got shot down, and his revenge is
	throwing this bogus article in when
	the paper went to
	press...Hello?...Hello?

DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his
head. He then sniffs the air.

						CUT TO:

								41.


EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

JAY, SILENT BOB and OLAF lean against wall.

			JAY
	"Not in me." That's what she says.
	I gotta pull out and spank it to
	get it on. So I blow a nut on her
	belly, and I get out of there, just
	as my uncle walks in. It was such a
	close call. I tell you what,
	though, I don't care if she is my
	cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots
	again tonight.

TWO GIRLS join them.

			JAY
	Oh shit, look who it is. The human
	vacuum.

			GIRL 1
	Scumbag. What are you doing?

			JAY
	Nothing. Just hanging out with
	Silent Bob and his cousin.

			GIRL 1
		(to SILENT BOB)
	He's your cousin?

			JAY
	Check this out, he's from Russia.

			GIRL 1
	No way.

			JAY
	I swear to God. Silent Bob, am I
	lying?

SILENT BOB shakes his head:

			JAY
	See? And Silent Bob never told a
	lie in his life.

			GIRL 2
	What part of Russia?

								42.


			JAY
	I don't fucking know. What am I,
	his biographer?
		(to OLAF)
	Olaf, what part of Russia are you
	from?

OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.

			SILENT BOB
		(in Russian)
	Home.

			OLAF
		(comprehending)
	Moscow.

			GIRL 1
	He only speaks Russian?

			JAY
	He knows some English, but he can't
	not speak it good like we do.

			GIRL 2
	Is he staying here?

			JAY
	He's moving to the big city next
	week. He wants to be a metal singer.

			GIRL 1
	No way!

			JAY
	Swear.
		(to OLAF)
	Olaf, metal!

OLAF makes a metal face.

			JAY
	That's his fucking metal face.
		(to OLAF)
	Olaf, girls nice?

OLAF looks the girls up and down.

			OLAF
	Skrelnick.

			JAY
		(laughs)
	That's fucked up.

								43.


			GIRL 1
	What did he say?

			JAY
	I don't know, man. He's a fucking
	character.

			GIRL 2
	He really wants to play metal?

			JAY
	He's got his own band in Moscow.
	It's called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue
	Jeans" or something like that.

			GIRL 1
	That doesn't sound metal.

			JAY
	You gotta hear him sing.
		(to OLAF)
	Olaf, "Berserker!"

OLAF laughs and shakes his head.

			JAY
	Come on, man, "Berserker!"

			GIRL 2
	Does he sing in English or Russian?

			JAY
	English.
		(to OLAF)
	Come on, "Berserker!" Girls think
	sexy.

			OLAF
		(relents)
	Da. Da.

			JAY
	He's gonna sing it. This is too
	funny.

			OLAF
		(in broken English)
	MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK
	BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
	MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!

			JAY
		(laughing)
	That's fucking funny, man!

								44.


			GIRL 1
	Did he say "making fuck?"

			JAY
	Wait, there's more.
		(to OLAF)
	Olaf: sing...
		(makes pot-smoking face)


			OLAF
		(nods in understanding)
	MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A ROCK
	BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
	SOME POT? BERSERKER!

OLAF busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The
theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote,
clicks the TV off, and ponders.

						CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL locks the door and walks away, while OLAF sings for
the small crowd.

			OLAF
	MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
	BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
	COCK? BERSERKER!

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can
is stuck on a MAN'S hand.

			DANTE
	You hold the counter and I'll pull.

			MAN
	Usually I just turn the can upside
	down.

								45.


			DANTE
		(pulling)
	Maybe we should soap your hand or
	something.

			MAN
		(straining)
	They oughta put some kind of
	warning on these cans, like they do
	with cigarettes.

			DANTE
	I think it's coming now...

The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The
man rubs his hand.

			MAN
	Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
	to go to the hospital.

			DANTE
	I'll throw this out. Precautionary
	measure.

			MAN
	It stings a little.

			DANTE
	A word of advice: Sometimes it's
	best to let those hard to reach
	chips go.

DANTE steps behind the counter.

			MAN
	Thanks.

The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister
away.

			DANTE
	Do you know that article is accurate?
	Caitlin's really getting married!

			RANDAL
	You know what I just watched?

			DANTE
	Me pulling a can off some moron's
	fist.

			RANDAL
	Return of the Jedi.

								46.


			DANTE
	Didn't you hear me? Caitlin really
	is getting married.

			RANDAL
	Which did you like better: Jedi or
	The Empire Strikes Back.

			DANTE
		(exasperated)
	Empire.

			RANDAL
	Blasphemy.

			DANTE
	Empire had the better ending: Luke
	gets his hand cut off, and finds
	out Vader's his father; Han gets
	frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
	It ends on such a down note. And
	that's life-a series of down
	endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
	of Muppets.

			RANDAL
	There was something else going on
	in Jedi. I never noticed it until
	today.

RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.

			DANTE
	What's that?

			RANDAL
	All right, Vader's boss...

			DANTE
	The Emperor.

			RANDAL
	Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
	is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?

			DANTE
	How do you mean?

			RANDAL
	Well, he's like the pope for the
	dark side of the Force. He's a holy
	man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
	evil one.

								47.


			DANTE
	I guess.

			RANDAL
	Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
	The Imperial government is under
	his control. And the entire galaxy
	is under Imperial rule.

			DANTE
	Yeah.

			RANDAL
	Then wouldn't that logically mean
	that it's a theocracy? If the head
	of the Empire is a priest of some
	sort, then it stands to reason that
	the government is therefore one
	based on religion.

			DANTE
	It would stand to reason, yes.

			RANDAL
	Hence, the Empire was a fascist
	theocracy, and the rebel forces
	were therefore battling religious
	persecution.

			DANTE
	More or less.

			RANDAL
	The only problem is that at no
	point in the series did I ever hear
	Leia or any of the rebels declare a
	particular religious belief.

			DANTE
	I think they were Catholics.

A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Are you open?

			DANTE
	Yeah. Come in.

He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

			RANDAL
	You know what else I noticed in Jedi?

								48.


			DANTE
	There's more?

			RANDAL
	So they build another Death Star,
	right?

			DANTE
	Yeah.

			RANDAL
	Now the first one they built was
	completed and fully operational
	before the Rebels destroyed it.

			DANTE
	Luke blew it up. Give credit where
	it's due.

			RANDAL
	And the second one was still being
	built when they blew it up.

			DANTE
	Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

			RANDAL
	Something just never sat right with
	me the second time they destroyed
	it. I could never put my finger on
	it-something just wasn't right.

			DANTE
	And you figured it out?

			RANDAL
	Well, the thing is, the first Death
	Star was manned by the Imperial
	army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
	the only people onboard were
	Imperials.

			DANTE
	Basically.

			RANDAL
	So when they blew it up, no prob.
	Evil is punished.

			DANTE
	And the second time around...?

								49.


			RANDAL
	The second time around, it wasn't
	even finished yet. They were still
	under construction.

			DANTE
	So?

			RANDAL
	A construction job of that magnitude
	would require a helluva lot more
	manpower than the Imperial army had
	to offer. I'll bet there were
	independent contractors working on
	that thing: plumbers, aluminum
	siders, roofers.

			DANTE
	Not just Imperials, is what you're
	getting at.

			RANDAL
	Exactly. In order to get it built
	quickly and quietly they'd hire
	anybody who could do the job. Do
	you think the average storm trooper
	knows how to install a toilet main?
	All they know is killing and white
	uniforms.

			DANTE
	All right, so even if independent
	contractors are working on the
	Death Star, why are you uneasy with
	its destruction?

			RANDAL
	All those innocent contractors
	hired to do a job were killed-
	casualties of a war they had
	nothing to do with.
		(notices Dante's confusion)
	All right, look-you're a roofer,
	and some juicy government contract
	comes your way; you got the wife
	and kids and the two-story in
	suburbia-this is a government
	contract, which means all sorts of
	benefits. All of a sudden these
	left-wing militants blast you with
	lasers and wipe out everyone within
	a three-mile radius.
			(MORE)

								50.


			RANDAL (CONT'D)
	You didn't ask for that. You have
	no personal politics. You're just
	trying to scrape out a living.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Excuse me. I don't mean to
	interrupt, but what were you
	talking about?

			RANDAL
	The ending of Return of the Jedi.

			DANTE
	My friend is trying to convince me
	that any contractors working on the
	uncompleted Death Star were innocent
	victims when the space station was
	destroyed by the rebels.

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
	a roofer...
		(digs into pocket and
		produces business card)
	Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
	And speaking as a roofer, I can say
	that a roofer's personal politics
	come heavily into play when choosing
	jobs.

			RANDAL
	Like when?

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Three months ago I was offered a
	job up in the hills. A beautiful
	house with tons of property. It was
	a simple reshingling job, but I was
	told that if it was finished within
	a day, my price would be doubled.
	Then I realized whose house it was.

			DANTE
	Whose house was it?

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Dominick Bambino's.

			RANDAL
	"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?

								51.


			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	The same. The money was right, but
	the risk was too big. I knew who he
	was, and based on that, I passed
	the job on to a friend of mine.

			DANTE
	Based on personal politics.

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
	Right. And that week, the Foresci
	family put a hit on Babyface's
	house. My friend was shot and
	killed. He wasn't even finished
	shingling.

			RANDAL
	No way!

			BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		(paying for coffee)
	I'm alive because I knew there were
	risks involved taking on that
	particular client. My friend wasn't
	so lucky.
		(pauses to reflect)
	You know, any contractor willing to
	work on that Death Star knew the
	risks. If they were killed, it was
	their own fault. A roofer listens
	to this...
		(taps his heart)
	not his wallet.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
door and pokes her head in.

			WOMAN
	Is that video store open or not?

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL reads a newspaper. An INDECISIVE CUSTOMER studies the
two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
the other repeatedly.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(attempting a solicit help)
	They say so much, but they never
	tell you if it's any good.

								52.


RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was
even heard. She tries again, but this time with a different
approach.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	Are either of these any good?

RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries
harder, then louder and more direct:

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	Sir!

RANDAL continues to read.

			RANDAL
		(flatly)
	What.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(politely)
	Are either of these any good?

RANDAL, as always, reads on.

			RANDAL
		(again, flatly)
	I don't watch movies.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put
off.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	Well, have you heard anything about
	either of them?

RANDAL does his level best to not get involved.

			RANDAL
		(reading)
	No.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(in disbelief)
	You've never heard anybody say
	anything about either movie?

								53.


			RANDAL (O.C.)
	I find it's best to stay out of
	other people's affairs.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(with a new determination)
	Well, how about these two movies?
		(holds up the same two)


RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.

			RANDAL
	They suck.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at RANDAL and his
paper. She has caught him.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	I just held up the same two movies.
	You're not even paying attention.

			RANDAL
	No, I wasn't.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	I don't think your manager would
	appreciate...

			RANDAL
		(turning the page)
	I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	I beg your pardon!

			RANDAL
		(reading on)
	Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
	trick me.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(defending herself)
	I only pointed out that you weren't
	paying any attention to what I was
	saying.

			RANDAL
		(turning page and reading)
	I hope it feels good.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
	You hope what feels good?

								54.


			RANDAL
	I hope it feels so good to be right.
	There is nothing more exhilarating
	than pointing out the shortcomings
	of others, is there?

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter
disbelief in the audacity of this most lackadaisical video
clerk. The unmoving newspaper illustrates the total
disinterest of the news-hungry RANDAL. The INDECISIVE
CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
back onto the wall.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(in a huff)
	Well this is the last time I ever
	rent here...

			RANDAL
	You'll be missed.

			INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
		(losing it altogether)
	Screw you!

She storms out. RANDAL is offended. He hops over the counter
and whips the door open.

			RANDAL
		(calling after her)
	You're not allowed to rent here
	anymore!

RANDAL closes the door and stands there, momentarily,
totally appalled by her exiting remark, then shakes his head.

			RANDAL
	Screw me!

He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys.
Exiting, he locks the door behind him from the outside,
gives it a tug to ensure its security, and storms off in the
opposite direction from the woman.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE is staring, open-mouthed, at something O.C. RANDAL
hurls the door open and immediately launches into his tirade.

			RANDAL
	You'll never believe what this
	unruly customer just said...

								55.


			DANTE
		(a hand up to urge
		him to hush)
	Wait.

			RANDAL
		(looking around)
	She's in here?

			DANTE
	This guy is going through all of
	the eggs. Look.

An ODD MAN sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs,
all opened. He grabs a carton from the cooler case, pops it
open, and examines each egg carefully.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	This has been going on for twenty
	minutes.

RANDAL and DANTE study the O.C. oddity.

			RANDAL
	What's he looking for?

			DANTE
	He said he has to find a perfect
	dozen.

			RANDAL
	Perfect dozen.

			DANTE
	Each egg has to be perfect.

			RANDAL
	The quest isn't going well?

			DANTE
	Obviously not. Look at all the
	cartons that didn't make the grade.

The ODD MAN holds an egg up to the light and studies it from
several different angles.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
	Why doesn't he just mix and match?

			DANTE
	I told him that and he yelled at me.

RANDAL snickers at his friend.

								56.


			RANDAL
	What did he say?

			DANTE
	He said it was important to have
	standards. He said nobody has pride
	anymore.

			RANDAL
	It's not like you laid the eggs
	yourself.

			DANTE
	I'll give him five more minutes
	then I'm calling the cops. I don't
	need this, man. I'm not even
	supposed to be here today.

A SMOKER steps in.

			SMOKER
	Two packs of cigarettes.

Dante manages to break his study of the O.C. oddity and
searches for the smokes. The smoker glances at RANDAL and
then at the O.C. oddity.

The ODD MAN is spinning an egg on the floor. The SMOKER
looks at RANDAL.

			RANDAL
		(still staring at the
		ODD MAN)
	I'm as puzzled as you.

			SMOKER
		(paying DANTE)
	I've actually seen it before.

			DANTE
	You know him?

			SMOKER
	No, I've seen that behavior before.
	Looking for the perfect carton of
	eggs, right?

			RANDAL
		(a bit astonished)
	Yeah. How'd you know?

			SMOKER
	I'll bet you a million bucks that
	the guy's a guidance counselor.

								57.


			DANTE
	Why do you say that?

			SMOKER
	I was in the Food City last year
	when the same thing happened,
	different guy though. Stock boy
	told me that the guy had been
	looking through the eggs for like
	half an hour, doing all sorts of
	endurance tests and shit. I ask the
	kid how come nobody called the
	manager, and he says it happens
	twice a week, sometimes more.

			RANDAL
	Get out of here.

			SMOKER
	I kid you not. They call it Shell
	Shock. Only happens with guidance
	counselors for some reason. The kid
	said they used to make a big deal
	about it, but there's no point.

The ODD MAN places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor.
He quickly whisks the handkerchief away to reveal the egg
still sitting on the floor.

			SMOKER (O.C.)
	He said they always pay for whatever
	they break and they never bother
	anybody.

DANTE, RANDAL and the SMOKER stare at the O.C. man.

			DANTE
	Why guidance counselors?

			SMOKER
	If your job served as little
	purpose as theirs, wouldn't you
	lose it, too?

			RANDAL
	Come to think of it, my guidance
	counselor was kind of worthless.

			SMOKER
		(grabbing matches)
	See? It's important to have a job
	that makes a difference, boys.
	That's why I kill Chinamen for the
	railroad.

						CUT TO:

								58.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

POV RANDAL: THE EMPTY COUNTER

And then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding
money. She can't be any more than five.

			LITTLE GIRL
		(innocently)
	Can I have a pack of cigarettes?

RANDAL, without looking up from his magazine, completes the
transaction. THE LITTLE GIRL puts a cigarette in her mouth.
RANDAL hands her matches. DANTE returns to the counter as
the girl skips away. Dante holds a price gun.

			DANTE
	Did you ever notice all the prices
	end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

			RANDAL
	You know how much money the average
	jizz-mopper make per hour?

			DANTE
	What's a jizz-mopper?

			RANDAL
	He's the guy in those nudie-booth
	joints who cleans up after each guy
	that jerks off.

			DANTE
	Nudie booth?

			RANDAL
	Nudie booth. You've never been in a
	nudie booth?

			DANTE
	I guess not.

A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter. DANTE rings
her up.

			RANDAL
	Oh, it's great. You step into this
	little booth and there's this
	window between you and this naked
	woman, and she puts on this little
	show for like ten bucks.

			DANTE
	What kind of show?

								59.


			RANDAL
	Think of the weirdest, craziest
	shit you'd like to see chicks do.
	These chicks do it all. They insert
	things into any opening in their
	body...any opening.
		(to customer)
	He's led a very sheltered life.

			DANTE
		(indicating CUSTOMER)
	Can we talk about this later?

			RANDAL
	The jizz-mopper's job is to clean
	up the booths afterward, because
	practically everybody shoots a load
	against the window, and I don't
	know if you know or not, but cum
	leaves streaks if you don't clean
	it right away.

			CUSTOMER
		(grabbing her bag, disgusted)
	This is the last time I come to
	this place.

			DANTE
	Excuse me?

			CUSTOMER
	Using filthy language in front of
	the customers...you should both get
	fired.

			DANTE
	We're sorry, ma'am. We got a little
	carried away.

			CUSTOMER
	Well, I don't know if sorry can
	make up for it. I found your
	remarks highly offensive.

The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting something.

			RANDAL
	Well, you think that's offensive...

RANDAL flips open the magazine's centerfold-a graphic
picture of a woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread
wide open.

								60.


			RANDAL
	...then check this out. I think you
	can see her kidneys.

RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically
apologizes to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.

			DANTE
	Ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry! Please,
	wait a second, ma'am...

The CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE'S pursuit stops at the counter.
DANTE turns on RANDAL.

			DANTE
	Why do you do things like that? You
	know she's going to come back and
	tell the boss.

			RANDAL
	Who cares? That lady's an asshole.
	Everybody that comes in here is way
	too uptight. This job would be
	great if it wasn't for the fucking
	customers.

			DANTE
	I'm gonna hear it tomorrow.

			RANDAL
	You gotta loosen up, my friend.
	You'd feel a hell of a lot better
	if you'd rip into the occasional
	customer.

			DANTE
	What for? They don't bother me if I
	don't bother them.

			RANDAL
	Liar! Tell me there aren't customers
	that annoy the piss out of you on a
	daily basis.

			DANTE
	There aren't.

			RANDAL
	How can you lie like that? Why
	don't you vent? Vent your
	frustration. Come on, who pisses
	you off?

								61.


			DANTE
		(reluctantly)
	It's not really anyone per se, it's
	more of separate groupings.

			RANDAL
	Let's hear it.

			DANTE
		(pause)
	The milkmaids.

			RANDAL
	The milkmaids?

INSERT: MILK HANDLER

A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the
cooler for that perfect container of milk.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	The women that go through every
	gallon of milk looking for a later
	date. As if somewhere-beyond all
	the other gallons-is a container of
	milk that won't go bad for like a
	decade.

END INSERT

			RANDAL
	You know who I can do without? I
	could do without the people in the
	video store.

			DANTE
	Which ones?

			RANDAL
	All of them.

MONTAGE INSERT #1/VIDEO JERKS

A series of people addressing the camera, asking the dumb
questions.

			FIRST
	What would you get for a six-year-
	old boy who chronically wets his bed?

			SECOND
		(in front of stocked
		new release shelf)
	Do you have any new movies in?

								62.


			THIRD
	Do you have that one with the guy
	who was in that movie that was out
	last year?

END INSERT

			RANDAL
	And they never rent quality flicks;
	they always pick the most
	intellectually devoid movie on the
	rack.

MONTAGE INSERT #2/"Ooooh!..."

An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.

			FIRST
	Ooooh! Home Alone!

			SECOND
	Ooooh! Hook!

			THIRD
	Ooooh! Navy Seals!

END INSERT

RANDAL

It's like in order to join, they have to have an IQ less
than their shoe size.

DANTE

You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the
barrage of stupid questions I get.

MONTAGE INSERT #3/DUMB QUESTIONS

A series of people standing in various locations throughout
the convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.

			FIRST
		(holding coffee)
	What do you mean there's no ice?
	You mean I've gotta drink this
	coffee hot?!

			SECOND
		(holding up item from
		clearly marked $.99 display)
	How much?

								63.


			THIRD
		(peeking in door)
	Do you sell hubcaps?

END INSERT

			RANDAL
	See? You vented. Don't you feel
	better now?

			DANTE
	No.

			RANDAL
	Why not?

			DANTE
	Because my ex-girlfriend is getting
	married.

			RANDAL
	Jesus, you got a one-track mind.
	It's always Caitlin, Caitlin,
	Caitlin...

			DANTE
		(jerking head toward door)
	Veronica!

DANTE gives RANDAL a shove to shut him up. VERONICA enters
the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum
foil.

			VERONICA
	What happened to home by twelve?

DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under
her arm.

			DANTE
	He still hasn't shown up. Why
	aren't you in class?

			VERONICA
	Lit 101 got canceled, so I stopped
	home and brought you some lunch.

			DANTE
	What is it?

			VERONICA
	Peanut butter and jelly with the
	crusts cut off. What do you think
	it is? It's lasagne.

								64.


			DANTE
	Really?
		(kisses her forehead)
	You're the best.

			VERONICA
	I'm glad you've calmed down a bit.
		(to RANDAL)
	Hi, Randal.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
		(exaggeratively impressed)
	Thirty-seven!

			DANTE
		(to O.C.)
	Shut up!
		(to VERONICA)
	Yes, I've calmed down, I'm still
	not happy about it, but I've been
	able to deal.

RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from O.C.

			DANTE
		(to O.C.)
	Why don't you go back to the video
	store?

RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He
exits.

			VERONICA
	You had to tell him.

			DANTE
	I had to tell someone. He put it
	into perspective.

			VERONICA
	What did he say?

			DANTE
	At least he wasn't thirty-six.

			VERONICA
	And that made you feel better?

			DANTE
	And he said most of them are
	college guys, I've never met or seen.

								65.


			VERONICA
	The ostrich syndrome: if you don't
	see it...

			DANTE
	...it isn't there. Yes.

			VERONICA
	Thank you for being rational.

			DANTE
	Thank you for the lasagne.

			VERONICA
	You couldn't get these shutters open?

			DANTE
	I called a locksmith and he said
	the earliest he could get here it
	tomorrow.

			VERONICA
	Bummer, Well, I've gotta head back
	for the one-thirty class.

			DANTE
	What time do you get finished?

			VERONICA
	Eight. But I have a sorority
	meeting till nine, so I'll be back
	before you close. Can we go out and
	get some coffee?

			DANTE
	Sure.

			VERONICA
	Good.
		(kisses him)
	I'll see you when you close, then.
	Enjoy the lasagne.

She exits. DANTE leans against the magazine rack with his
lasagne, contemplative. RANDAL pops his head in and makes
the loud slurping noise again.

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL is recommending titles to potential customers.

								66.


			RANDAL
	All right, now if you're really
	feeling dangerous tonight, then
	Smokey and the Bandit Three is the
	movie you must rent.

			CUSTOMER
		(studying box)
	This doesn't even have Burt Reynolds
	in it.

			RANDAL
	Hey, neither did ET; but that was a
	great movie, right?

DANTE opens the door and leans in.

			DANTE
	Can you come next door? I gotta
	make a phone call.

			RANDAL
		(to DANTE)
	Smokey Three: thumbs up, am I right?

			DANTE
	The best Burtless movie ever made.

DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tell-
you look.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

THE CAT lies on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as
he rings up an order. The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.

			CUSTOMER
	Awww, he's so cute. What's his name?

			RANDAL
	Lenin's Tomb.

Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.

			DANTE
	Hello, is Mr. Synder there? This is
	Dante...Did he say if he was on his
	way here?...Here...The convenience
	store...I know, but the other guy
	called out this morning and Mr.
			(MORE)

								67.


			DANTE (CONT'D)
	Synder asked me to cover until he
	got here. He said he'd be here by
	noon, but it's one-thirty now, so
	I...Excuse me...Vermont?!...No,
	that can't be; I talked to him this
	morning...He left at what time?...He
	really went to Vermont?...When the
	hell was someone going to tell
	me?...He promised he was coming by
	noon!...Jesus...When does he get
	back?!...TUESDAY!...You've gotta be
	fucking kidding me!...I've got a
	hockey game at two, and the fucking
	shutters are jammed closed, and
	he's in Vermont?...I'm not even
	supposed to be here today!!
		(deep sigh)
	So I'm stuck here till
	closing?...This is just great...I
	just can't believe...I'm sorry, I
	didn't mean to yell at
	you...No...No, I'll be all
	right...Well, that's all I can do,
	right?...Thanks.

He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.

			RANDAL
	Vermont?

			DANTE
	Can you believe this?!

			RANDAL
	He didn't mention it when he called
	you this morning?

			DANTE
	Not a fucking word! Slippery shit!

			RANDAL
	So, what-you're stuck here all day?

			DANTE
	FUCK!

			RANDAL
	Why'd you apologize?

			DANTE
	What?

								68.


			RANDAL
	I heard you apologize. Why? You
	have every right in the world to be
	mad.

			DANTE
	I know.

			RANDAL
	That seems to be the leitmotif in
	your life; ever backing down.

			DANTE
	I don't back down.

			RANDAL
	Yes, you do. You always back down.
	You assume blame that isn't yours,
	you come in when called as opposed
	to enjoying your day off, you
	buckle like a belt.

			DANTE
	You know what pisses me off the most?

			RANDAL
	The fact that I'm right about your
	buckling?

			DANTE
	I'm going to miss the game.

			RANDAL
	Because you buckled.

			DANTE
	Would you shut the hell up with
	that shit? It's not helping.

			RANDAL
	Don't yell at me, pal.

			DANTE
	Sorry.

			RANDAL
	See? There you go again.

			DANTE
	I can't believe I'm going to miss
	the game!

			RANDAL
	At least we're stuck here together.

								69.


			DANTE
	You've got a customer.

RANDAL walks away.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
	What? What do you want?!

DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the phone
again.

			DANTE
	Sanford? Dante...I can't play
	today...I'm stuck at work...I know
	I'm not scheduled, but-just forget
	it. I can't play...Neither can
	Randal...He's working too...

RANDAL comes back. DANTE rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

			DANTE
		(getting an idea)
	Wait a second. Do we have to play
	at the park?...Hold on...
		(to RANDAL)
	Do you feel limber?

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

TAPE is rolled around the top of a stick. Laces are pulled
tightly. An orange ball is slapped back and forth by a blade.
The HOCKEY PLAYERS fill the convenience store. Some sit on
the floor or lean against the coolers, but all are either
preparing or practicing. RANDAL enters, wearing his equipment.
DANTE skates to his side.

			DANTE
		(lifting his foot)
	Pull my laces tighter.

			RANDAL
		(drops mitt and pulls laces)
	I've gotta tell you, my friend:
	this is one of the ballsiest moves
	I've ever been privy to. I never
	would have thought you capable of
	such blatant disregard of store
	policy.

			DANTE
	I told him I had a game today. It's
	his own fault.

								70.


			RANDAL
	No argument here. Insubordination
	rules.

			DANTE
	I just want to play hockey like I
	was scheduled to.

SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.

			SANFORD
	Dante, let me grab a Gatorade.

			DANTE
	If you grab a Gatorade, then
	everybody's going to grab one.

			SANFORD
	So?

			DANTE
	So? So nobody's going to want to
	pay for these Gatorades.

			SANFORD
	What do you care? Hey, what smells
	like shoe polish?

			DANTE
	I've got a responsibility here. I
	can't let everybody grab free drinks.

			SANFORD
	What responsibility? You're closing
	the fucking store to play hockey.

			RANDAL
	He's blunt, but he's got a point.

			DANTE
	At least let me maintain some
	semblance of managerial control here.

			SANFORD
	All I'm saying is if you're going
	to be insubordinate, you should go
	the full nine and not pussy out
	when it comes to free refreshments.

			RANDAL
	He's right. As if we're suddenly
	gonna have a run on Gatorade.

								71.


			SANFORD
	Fuckin-A.

			DANTE
	All right. Jesus, you fuckers are
	pushy.

			SANFORD
	Hey man, I hear Caitlin's marrying
	an Asian drum major.

			RANDAL
	Design major.

			DANTE
	Can we not talk about this?

			SANFORD
	Fine by me. But you're living in
	denial and suppressing rage.
		(skating away; to all)
	Dante said we can all drink free
	Gatorade.

A laid-back hurrah is heard.

			RANDAL
	Are you gonna lock the store?

			DANTE
	I don't know. You going to lock the
	video store?

			RANDAL
	Look who you're asking here. How're
	we gonna block off the street?

			DANTE
	We're not playing in the street.

			RANDAL
	Then where're we gonna play?

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

The sign on the door reads:

TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPEN AFTER FIRST PERIOD.

The PLAYERS ascend a ladder adjacent to the door, one by one.
ON THE ROOF they jump off the ladder and skate around. More
players join them.

								72.


From across the street we get the full, odd perspective: a
store with many men gliding around on the roof.

On the roof DANTE skates and passes with another player.
REDDING stretches, leaning against the sign. RANDAL pulls
his mask on and slaps his glove, urging a shot. SANFORD
skates in and takes a shot, which RANDAL blocks. JAY and
SILENT BOB deal to a player: he drops money over the ledge
and JAY throws up a dime bag. DANTE holds a ball in the
center of the court.

			DANTE
	Ready?

PLAYERS take positions. SANFORD comes to the center and
holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and REDDING face off,
and the ball is in play.

The game begins as the players engage in a savage ballet.
Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are made, shots
are taken, CU's of various players included.

INACTIVE PLAYERS call out encouragement and slander from the
sidelines. More game playing including both goalies getting
scored on and more face-offs.

Below, a CUSTOMER tugs on the convenience store door. He
reads the sign and then backs up into the street, attempting
to peer over the ledge. Above, the game continues.

Below, the CUSTOMER shifts from one foot to the other
impatiently. He grabs the ladder and quickly ascends.

Above, from over the ledge of the roof, we see the head of
the customer peek. Skating feet pass rapidly before him, and
he watches for a moment before calling out.

			CUSTOMER
	When's this period over?

			SOMEONE (O.C.)
	Eight more minutes!

			CUSTOMER
	Are you shitting me? I want to get
	cigarettes!

DANTE skids to the sidelines.

			DANTE
		(out of breath)
	If you can just wait a few more
	minutes.

								73.


			CUSTOMER
	Fuck that! I'm gonna break my crazy
	neck on this ladder!

			SOMEONE (O.C.)
	Dante! Where are you?!

			CUSTOMER
	He's busy!

DANTE starts to skate away.

			DANTE
	I'll be right back. It's almost over.

He jumps back into the game.

			CUSTOMER
	What the fuck is this?! I want some
	service!

			DANTE (O.C.)
	In a second!

			CUSTOMER
	Fuck in a second! This is...Look at
	you! You can't even pass!

			DANTE (O.C.)
	I can pass!

			CUSTOMER
	How 'bout covering point!? You suck!

DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.

			DANTE
	Who are you to make assessments?

			CUSTOMER
	I'll assess all I want!

			SOMEONE (O.C.)
	DANTE! ARE YOU IN OR OUT!

			CUSTOMER
		(to O.C. SOMEONE)
	Don't pass to this guy! He sucks!
		(to DANTE)
	You suck!

			DANTE
	Like you're better!

								74.


			CUSTOMER
	I can whip your ass.

Below, a WOMAN pulls at the door. She peers into the store,
face against the glass.

			DANTE (O.C.)
	That's easy to say from over here.

			CUSTOMER (O.C.)
	Give me a stick, pretty boy! I'll
	knock your fucking teeth out and
	pass all over your ass.

The WOMAN backs up and, shielding her eyes, looks toward the
roof.

			WOMAN
	Is the convenience store open?

Above, DANTE and the CUSTOMER shout down at the O.C. WOMAN.

			DANTE AND CUSTOMER
		(simultaneously)
	NO!

			DANTE
		(to CUSTOMER)
	There's a stick over there. You're
	shooting against the goal.
		(to the court)
	REDDING! COME OFF AND LET THIS FUCK
	ON!

A new face-off pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER. The ball
drops between the two and DANTE gets flattened. The CUSTOMER
winds up and takes a hard shot. The ball sails off the
court, through the air, and into a faraway yard. DANTE calls
to the sidelines.

			DANTE
	Give me another ball.

			SOMEONE (O.C.)
	There are no more.

			DANTE
	What the fuck are you talking about?
	How many balls did you bring?

SANFORD skates up to him.

								75.


			SANFORD
		(counting)
	There was the orange ball...and the
	orange ball.

DANTE scrambles to the edge and calls over.

			DANTE
	Are there any balls down there?!

			JAY (O.C.)
	'Bout the biggest pair you ever
	seen! NYNNE!!

DANTE looks around, hyperventilating.

			DANTE
	You only brought one ball?!

			SANFORD
	I thought Redding had like three
	balls!

			REDDING (O.C.)
	I thought Dante had the balls.

			DANTE
	Nobody has another ball?

			SANFORD
	Shit!

			DANTE
	We get...what...twelve minutes of
	game, and it's over? Fuck! Fuck!
	Fuck! Fuck!!
		(pause; rubs head)
	I'm not even supposed to be here
	today!

DANTE skates off.

			SANFORD
	We still get free Gatorade, right?

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. An
OLD MAN joins him at the foot of the ladder.

			OLD MAN
	Be careful.

								76.


			DANTE
	I'm trying.

			OLD MAN
	You know the insides of those are
	filled with stuff that gives you
	cancer.

			DANTE
	So I'm told.

			OLD MAN
	I had a friend that used to chew
	glass for a living. In the circus.

The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.

			DANTE
	And he got cancer by chewing
	fluorescent bulb glass...?

			OLD MAN
	No, he got hit by a bus.

			DANTE
		(confused)
	Oh...Can I help you?

			OLD MAN
	Well, that depends. Do you have a
	bathroom?

			DANTE
	Um...yeah, but it's for employees
	only.

			OLD MAN
	I understand, but can I use it. I'm
	not that young anymore, so I'm kind
	of...you know...incontinent.

			DANTE
	Uh...sure. Go ahead. It's back
	through the cooler.

			OLD MAN
	Thanks son. Say-what kind of toilet
	paper you got back there?

			DANTE
	The white kind.

								77.


			OLD MAN
	I'm not asking about the color. I
	mean is it rough or cottony?

			DANTE
	Actually, it is kind of rough.

			OLD MAN
	Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell
	out of my hemorrhoids. Say, would
	you mind if I took a roll of the
	soft stuff back there. I see you
	sell the soft stuff.

			DANTE
	Yeah, but...

			OLD MAN
	Aw, c'mon boy. What's the difference?
	You said yourself the stuff that's
	there now is rough.

			DANTE
	Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

			OLD MAN
	Thanks son, you're a lifesaver.

The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The
OLD MAN returns.

			OLD MAN
	Say, young fella, you know I hate
	to bother you again, but can I take
	a paper or something back there...to
	read? It usually takes me a while,
	and I like to read while it's going
	on.

			DANTE
	Jesus...go ahead.

			OLD MAN
	Thanks, young man. You've got a
	heart of gold.

The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines.
He comes back to the counter.

			DANTE
	You know, you probably could've
	been home, already, in the time
	it's taken you to get in there.

								78.


			OLD MAN
	Can I trouble you for one of those
	magazines?

			DANTE
	I said go ahead.

			OLD MAN
	No, I mean the ones there. Behind
	the counter.

DANTE glances over and reacts.

			DANTE
	The porno mags?

			OLD MAN
	Yeah. I like the cartoons. They
	make me laugh. They draw the
	biggest titties.

			DANTE
		(hands one to him)
	Here. Now leave me alone.

			OLD MAN
	Uh, can I have the other one. The
	one below this one. They show more
	in that one.

DANTE makes the switch.

			OLD MAN
	Thanks son. I appreciate this.

The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close,
then the front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.

			RANDAL
	Helluva game!

			DANTE
	One ball!! They come all the way
	here...I close the damn store...for
	one ball!

			RANDAL
	Hockey's hockey. At least we got to
	play.

			DANTE
	Randal, twelve minutes is not a
	game! Jesus, it's barely a warm-up!

								79.


			RANDAL
	Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want
	something to drink?
		(walking away)


			DANTE
	Gatorade.

Pause. Then...

			RANDAL (O.C.)
	What happened to all the Gatorade?

			DANTE
	Exactly. They drank it all.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
	After an exhausting game like that
	I can believe it.

			DANTE
		(as RANDAL)
	"It's not like we're gonna sell
	out."

RANDAL comes back with drinks.

			RANDAL
	You know what Sanford told me?
		(offering drink)


			DANTE
	I still can't believe Caitlin's
	getting married.

			RANDAL
	Julie Dwyer died.

			DANTE
	Yeah, right.

			RANDAL
	No, I'm serious.

DANTE is visibly taken aback.

			DANTE
	Oh, my god.

			RANDAL
	Sanford's brother dates her cousin.
	He found out this morning.

								80.


			DANTE
	How? When?

			RANDAL
	Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

			DANTE
	Jesus.

			RANDAL
	She was swimming at the YMCA pool
	when it happened. Died midbackstroke.

			DANTE
	I haven't seen her in almost two
	years.

			RANDAL
	Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't
	she one of the illustrious twelve?

			DANTE
	Number six.

			RANDAL
	You've had sex with a dead person.

			DANTE
	I'm gonna go to her wake.

			RANDAL
	No, you're not.

			DANTE
	Why not?

			RANDAL
	It's today.

			DANTE
	What!?

			RANDAL
	Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next
	show is at four.

			DANTE
	Shit. What about tomorrow?

			RANDAL
	One night only. She's buried in the
	morning.

								81.


			DANTE
	You've gotta watch the store. I
	have to go to this.

			RANDAL
	Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred
	to you that I might bereaved as well?

			DANTE
	You hardly knew her!

			RANDAL
	True, but do you know how many
	people are going to be there? All
	of our old classmates, to say the
	least.

			DANTE
	Stop it. This is beneath even you.

			RANDAL
	I'm not missing what's probably
	going to be the social event of the
	season.

			DANTE
	You hate people.

			RANDAL
	But I love gatherings. Isn't it
	ironic?

			DANTE
	Don't be an asshole. Somebody has
	to stay with the store.

			RANDAL
	If you go, I go.

			DANTE
	She meant nothing to you!

			RANDAL
	She meant nothing to you either
	until I told you she died.

			DANTE
	I'm not taking you to this funeral.

			RANDAL
	I'm going with you.

			DANTE
	I can't close the store.

								82.


			RANDAL
	You just closed the store to play
	hockey on the roof!

			DANTE
	Exactly, which means I can't close
	it for another hour so we can both
	go to a wake.

						CUT TO:

INT CAR: DAY

DANTE drives with passenger RANDAL, their backs to the camera.

			RANDAL
	You were saying?

			DANTE
	Thanks for putting me in a tough
	spot. You're a good friend.

Silence. Then...

			RANDAL
	She was pretty young, hunhh?

			DANTE
	Twenty-two; same as us.

			RANDAL
	An embolism in a pool.

			DANTE
	An embarrassing way to die.

			RANDAL
	That's nothing compared to how my
	cousin Walter died.

			DANTE
	How'd he die?

			RANDAL
	Broke his neck.

			DANTE
	That's embarrassing?

			RANDAL
	He broke his neck trying to suck
	his own dick.

Absolute silence. Then...

								83.


			DANTE
	Shut the hell up.

			RANDAL
	Bible truth.

			DANTE
	Stop it.

			RANDAL
	I swear.

			DANTE
	Oh, my god.

			RANDAL
	Come on. Haven't you ever tried to
	suck your own dick?

			DANTE
	No!

			RANDAL
	Yeah sure. You're so repressed.

			DANTE
	Because I never tried to suck my
	own dick?

			RANDAL
	No, because you won't admit to it.
	As if a guy's a fucking pervert
	because he tries to go down on
	himself. You're as curious as the
	rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

			DANTE
	Who found him?

			RANDAL
	My cousin? My aunt found him. On
	his bed, doubled over himself with
	his legs on top. Dick in his mouth.
	My aunt freaked out. It was a mess.

			DANTE
	His dick was in his mouth?

			RANDAL
	Balls resting on his lips.

			DANTE
	He made it, hunhh?

								84.


			RANDAL
	Yeah, but at what a price.

Silence. Then...

			DANTE
	I could never reach.

			RANDAL
	Reach what?

			DANTE
	You know.

			RANDAL
	What, your dick?

			DANTE
	Yeah. Like you said, you know. I
	guess everyone tries it, sooner of
	later.

			RANDAL
	I never tried it.

DANTE glares at RANDAL. Silence. Then...

			RANDAL
	Fucking pervert.

						CUT TO:

EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

DANTE and RANDAL walk up the path to the funeral parlor.

			DANTE
	I know it was a bad idea to close
	the store.

			RANDAL
	Listen to you.

			DANTE
	I can't help it. At least when we
	were playing hockey outside, I
	could see if anyone wanted to go in.

			RANDAL
	Nobody's there. It's four o'clock
	on a Saturday. How many people ever
	come to the store at four on a
	Saturday?

						CUT TO:

								85.


EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A MASSIVE CROWD is outside the store.

						CUT TO:

EXT: FUNERAL PARLOR. DAY

DANTE and RANDAL run from the front door, closely chased by
a small crowd of angry mourners. Car locks are slammed down.
The car screams away. The pursuing crowd stands in the
middle of the street, shaking their fists, throwing things.

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

The car pulls up and RANDAL and DANTE get out. Absolutely
nobody is outside.

			DANTE
		(furious)
	I can't fucking believe you!!

			RANDAL
	I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault!

			DANTE
	You knocked the fucking casket
	over, for Chrissakes!

			RANDAL
	I was just leaning on it! It was an
	accident!

			DANTE
	Does anyone ever knock over a
	casket on purpose?

			RANDAL
	So the casket fell over! Big deal!

			DANTE
	Her fucking body fell out!

			RANDAL
	So they'll put her back in! It's
	not like it's gonna matter if she
	breaks something!

			DANTE
		(opening door)
	Just...go! Go open the video store.

								86.


			JAY (O.C.)
		(mimicking)
	Yeah! Open the video store!!

			RANDAL
		(to O.C.)
	Shut the fuck up, junkie!

JAY enters the frame, right next to RANDAL. He aims his butt
at him and farts. RANDAL lunges for him. DANTE grabs RANDAL.

			DANTE
		(to RANDAL)
	Go open the video store.

			JAY
	Yeah, you cock-smoking clerk.

			DANTE
		(to JAY)
	How many times I gotta tell you not
	to deal outside the store.

			JAY
	I'm not dealing.

A KID tugs at JAY'S shirt.

			KID
	You got anything, man?

			JAY
	Yeah, what do you want?

RANDAL heads to the video store. DANTE enters the convenience
store and slides the sign to OPEN. After a few seconds, the
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER (guy who lost his keys) appears,
flashlight in hand, scanning the ground.

			IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
		(to JAY)
	Hey, did you see a set of keys
	lying around here somewhere?

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE rearranges the milk. RANDAL joins him.

			RANDAL
	Let me borrow your car.

								87.


			DANTE
	I don't want to talk to you.

			RANDAL
	Fine. Just lend me your car.

			DANTE
	Why should I loan you my car?

			RANDAL
	I want to rent a movie.

			DANTE
		(pause)
	You want to rent a movie.

DANTE walks away, shaking his head.

			RANDAL
	What's that for?

			DANTE
	You work in a video store!

They head back to the counter.

			RANDAL
	I work in a shitty video store. I
	want to go to a good video store so
	I can rent a good movie.

			CUSTOMER
	Are you open?

			DANTE AND RANDAL
		(simultaneously)
	YES!

The CUSTOMER comes to the counter.

			CUSTOMER
	Pack of cigarettes.
		(pets cat)
	Cute cat. What's its name?

			RANDAL
	Annoying Customer.

The CUSTOMER lets it sink in, and then leaves in a huff.
DANTE puts up cigarettes.

								88.


			DANTE
	Can you imagine being halfway
	decent to the customers at least
	some of the time?

			RANDAL
	Let me borrow your car.

			DANTE
		(calmer)
	May I be blunt with you?

			RANDAL
	If you must.

			DANTE
	We are employees of Quick Stop
	Convenience and RST video,
	respectively. As such, we have
	certain responsibilities which-
	though it may seem cruel and
	unusual-does include manning our
	posts until closing.

			RANDAL
	I see. So playing hockey and
	attending wakes-these practices are
	standard operating procedure.

			DANTE
	There's a difference. Those were
	obligations. Obligations that could
	not have been met at any later date.
	Now renting videos-that's just
	gratuitous, not to mention
	illogical, considering you work in
	a video store.

Another CUSTOMER leans in.

			CUSTOMER
	Are you open?

			DANTE
		(rolls his eyes)
	Yes.

			RANDAL
	You know what? I don't think I care
	for you rationale.

								89.


			DANTE
	It's going to have to do for now,
	considering that it's my car that's
	up for request.
		(to CUSTOMER)
	Can I help you?

			CUSTOMER
	Pack of cigarettes.

			RANDAL
	What's your point?

			DANTE
	My point is that you're a clerk,
	paid to do a job. You can't just do
	anything you want while you're
	working.

			CUSTOMER
		(reading tabloid)
	"Space Alien Revealed as Head of
	Time Warner; Reports Stock
	Increase."
		(to DANTE and RANDAL)
	They print any kind of shit in
	these papers.

			DANTE
	They certainly do. Two fifty-five.

			RANDAL
	So your argument is that title
	dictates behavior?

			DANTE
	What?

			RANDAL
	The reasons you won't let me borrow
	your care is because I have a title
	and a job description, and I'm
	supposed to follow it, right?

			DANTE
	Exactly.

			CUSTOMER
		(interjecting)
	I saw one, one time, that said the
	world was ending the next week.
			(MORE)

								90.


			CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
	Then in the next week's paper, they
	said we were miraculously saved at
	the zero hour by a Koala-fish
	mutant bird. Crazy shit.

			RANDAL
		(eyes the CUSTOMER, annoyed)
	So I'm no more responsible for my
	own decisions while I'm here at
	work than, say, the Death Squad
	soldiers in Bosnia?

			DANTE
	That's stretching it. You're not
	being asked to slay children or
	anything.

			RANDAL
	Not yet.
		(sips water)


			CUSTOMER
		(again with the interjections)
	And I remember this one time the
	damn paper said...

RANDAL spits a mist of water at the customer, drenching him.
The man reacts violently, attempting to grab RANDAL from
over the counter. RANDAL makes no move, but remains untouched.
DANTE plays block.

			CUSTOMER
	I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD!
	YOU FUCKING JERKOFF!

			DANTE
	Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean
	it! He was trying to get me.

			CUSTOMER
	Well, he missed!

			DANTE
	I know. I'm sorry. Let me refund
	your cigarette money, and we'll
	call it even.

								91.


			CUSTOMER
		(considerably calmer;
		takes money)
	This is the last time I ever come
	here.
		(to RANDAL)
	And if I ever see you again, I'm
	gonna break your fucking head open!

The CUSTOMER leaves, wiping water from his face. RANDAL
salutes him.

			DANTE
		(angrily)
	What the fuck did you do that for?

			RANDAL
	Two reasons: one, I hate when the
	people can't shut up about the
	stupid tabloid headlines.

			DANTE
	Jesus!

			RANDAL
	And two, to make a point: title
	does not dictate behavior.

			DANTE
	What?

			RANDAL
	If title dictated my behavior, as a
	clerk serving the public, I wouldn't
	be allowed to spit a mouthful of
	water at that guy. But I did, so my
	point is that people dictate their
	own behavior. Hence, even though
	I'm a clerk in this video store, I
	choose to go rent videos at Big
	Choice.
		(extends opened palm)
	Agreed?

			DANTE
		(shakes his head;
		hands over keys)
	You're a danger to both the dead
	and the living.

			RANDAL
	I like to think I'm a master of my
	own destiny.

								92.


			DANTE
	Please, get the hell out of here.

			RANDAL
	I know I'm your hero.

RANDAL exits.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE waits on a customer (TRAINER). He lifts the gallon of
milk into a paper bag, letting out a slight grunt.

			TRAINER
	Sounds to me like somebody needs to
	hit the gym.

			DANTE
	Excuse me?

			TRAINER
	I heard you strain when you put the
	milk in the bag. That milk only
	weighs about seven pounds.

			DANTE
	I didn't strain. I sighed.

			TRAINER
	I don't think so. That was a grunt;
	a deep inhalation of oxygen to aid
	in the stretching of muscles. I'm a
	trainer. I know what that sound
	signifies: you're out of shape.

			DANTE
	I don't think so.

			TRAINER
	Oh, I do. You made the same noise
	when you reached across the counter
	for my cash. Your muscles are thin
	and sadly underutilized.

			DANTE
	They are not.

			TRAINER
	Yes, they are. You're out of shape.

								93.


			DANTE
	What are you talking about? There's
	no fat on this body.

			TRAINER
	No fat, but no tone either. You
	don't get enough exercise.

A female customer (HEATHER) leans in the doorway.

			HEATHER
	Are you open?

			DANTE
	Yes.

			HEATHER
		(grabs a paper)
	Just the paper.

			DANTE
		(to HEATHER)
	Thirty-fire.

			TRAINER
		(to HEATHER)
	Let me ask you a question: Do you
	think this guy's out of shape?

			HEATHER
		(studies DANTE)
	I don't know. I can't really tell
	from here.

			TRAINER
	He is.

			DANTE
	I am not.

			TRAINER
	How much can you bench?

			DANTE
	I don't know.

			HEATHER
		(studying DANTE)
	I'd say about sixty, seventy-tops.

			DANTE
	I know I can bench more than that!

								94.


			TRAINER
	I think the lady called it.

			HEATHER
	My ex-boyfriend was about his
	height, but he was much bulkier. He
	could bench two-fifty, three
	hundred easy.

			TRAINER
	I do about three-fifty, four.

			HEATHER
	No way!

			TRAINER
		(rolling up sleeve)
	Feel that.

			HEATHER
	That's tight. Solid.

			TRAINER
	Now feel his.
		(to DANTE)
	Roll up your sleeve, chief.

			DANTE
	Oh for God's sake!

			TRAINER
	See? You're ashamed. You know
	you're out of shape. Take my card.
	I can help you tone that body up in
	no time. Get you on an aerobics and
	free-weights program.

A SUITED MAN carrying a notebook comes to the counter.

			SUITED MAN
	You open?

			DANTE
		(to MAN)
	Yes.
		(to TRAINER)
	I'm not out of shape.

			SUITED MAN
	Excuse me, but have you been here
	all day?

			DANTE
	What?

								95.


			HEATHER
		(still studying DANTE)
	He's got those love handles.

			DANTE
		(to HEATHER)
	I don't have love handles.

			SUITED MAN
	Were you working here at about four
	o'clock?

			DANTE
	I've been here since six o'clock
	this morning. Why?

			TRAINER
		(to HEATHER)
	It's probably from being around all
	this food every day.

			HEATHER
	Oh, I know. If I had to work here
	all day, I'd be bloated and out of
	shape, too.

			DANTE
	I'm not out of shape!

			SUITED MAN
	Can I have your name please?

			DANTE
	Dante Hicks. Why? What is this about?

The SUITED MAN scribbles in his notebook.

			HEATHER
	You're Dante Hicks? Oh my God! I
	didn't even recognize you!

			TRAINER
	Because he's out of shape.

			DANTE
	Do I know you?

			HEATHER
	You remember Alyssa Jones? She hung
	out with...

			DANTE
	Caitlin Bree. Yeah?

								96.


			HEATHER
	I'm her sister.

			DANTE
	You're Alyssa's sister? Heather?

			HEATHER
	Yep. I remember you got caught in
	my parents' room with Caitlin once.

			TRAINER
	Did you say Caitlin Bree?

			DANTE
	Yeah.

			TRAINER
	Pretty girl, about this girl's
	height-dark hair-gorgeous body?

			DANTE
	Yeah?

			TRAINER
	And your name is Dante Hicks? You
	went to high school with her? You
	played hockey?

			DANTE
	How do you know that?

			TRAINER
	Oh man! Hey, you still going out
	with her?

			DANTE
	No, she's getting married.

			TRAINER
	To you?

			HEATHER
	To an Asian design major.

			TRAINER
	Shit!
		(to DANTE)
	Don't take this the wrong way, but
	I used to fuck her.

			DANTE
	What?

								97.


			TRAINER
	While you two were dating in high
	school. We're talking four, five
	years ago, back when I drove a
	Trans-Am.

			HEATHER
	Oh my God! You're Rick Derris?

			TRAINER
	Yeah!

			DANTE
	You know him?

			HEATHER
	Caitlin used to talk about him all
	the time.

			TRAINER
	Really?

			HEATHER
	Oh yeah. You were the built older
	guy with the black Trans and the
	big...

			DANTE
	Wait a second!
		(to TRAINER)
	You used to sleep with Caitlin Bree?
	While I was dating her?

			TRAINER
	All the time. That girl was like a
	rabbit.

			DANTE
	I...I don't believe this...

			HEATHER
		(to TRAINER)
	I still remember Caitlin telling us
	about that time you two went to
	that motel-the one with the mirrors
	and the hot tub in the room.

			DANTE
	THE GLADES MOTEL?

								98.


			TRAINER
	Holy shit! She told you about that!
		(to DANTE)
	Buddy of mine worked there. Said he
	watched the whole thing. They used
	to film people at that hotel;
	nobody knew about it.

			HEATHER
	She said one time you set up a tent
	on the beach and you guys did it in
	the middle of this big rainstorm.

			DANTE
	What? When? When did all this shit
	happen?

			TRAINER
	Hey man, that was a long time ago.
	Don't let it get to you.

			HEATHER
	I'm surprised you never found out
	about it, Dante. Everybody in
	school knew-even in my class.

			DANTE
	Jesus Christ, what next?

The SUITED MAN rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and
hands it to DANTE.

			SUITED MAN
	Here you go.

			DANTE
	What's this?

			SUITED MAN
	A fine, for five hundred dollars.

			DANTE
	WHAT?

			TRAINER
	Five hundred bucks? What for?

			SUITED MAN
	For violation of New Jersey Statute
	Section Two A, number one-seventy
	slash fifty-one: Any person who
	sells or makes available tobacco or
	tobacco-related products to persons
	under the age of eighteen is
	regarded as disorderly.

								99.


			DANTE
	What are you talking about?

			SUITED MAN
	According to the NJAC-the New
	Jersey Administrative Code, section
	eighteen, five, slash twelve point
	five-a fine of no less than two
	hundred and fifty dollars is to be
	leveled against any person reported
	selling cigarettes to a minor.

			DANTE
	I didn't do that!

			SUITED MAN
	You said you were here all day?

			DANTE
	Yeah, but I didn't sell cigarettes
	to any kids!

			SUITED MAN
	An angry mother called the state
	division of taxation and complained
	that the man working at Quick Stop
	Convenience sold her five-year-old
	daughter cigarettes today at around
	four o'clock. Division of taxation
	calls the State Board of Health,
	and they send me down here to issue
	a fine. You say you were working
	all day, hence the fine is yours.
	It's doubled due to the incredibly
	young age of the child.

			DANTE
	But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
	kid!

			TRAINER
	To a five-year-old kid? What a
	scumbag!

			HEATHER
	That's sick, Dante.

			DANTE
	I didn't sell cigarettes to any
	kids! I swear!

								100.


			SUITED MAN
	The due date is on the bottom. This
	summons cannot be contested in any
	court of law. Failure to remit
	before the due date will result in
	a charge of criminal negligence,
	and a warrant will be issued for
	your arrest. Have a nice day.

The SUITED MAN exits, with DANTE trying to follow.

			DANTE
	But I didn't sell cigarettes to any
	kids! Hey!

			TRAINER
		(takes back the card)
	Forget it. I don't want to deal
	with a guy that sells cigarettes to
	a five-year-old.
		(to HEATHER)
	Can I offer you a ride somewhere?

			HEATHER
	Sure. How about the beach?

			TRAINER
	I like the way you think.

The two exit. DANTE, alone, studies his summons. He rubs his
forehead.

			DANTE
	Jesus! What next?

			VOICE (O.C.)
	Dante?

DANTE spins, angrily.

			DANTE
	What?

His expression softens.

			DANTE
	Caitlin?

						CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

JAY deals with a customer as SILENT BOB looks on.

								101.


			JAY
	That's the price, my brother.

			JOHN
	Yo, I don't have that kind of cash.

			JAY
	For this kind of hash, you need
	that kind of cash.

			JOHN
	How long you gonna be here?

			JAY
	Till ten. Then I'm going to John
	K's party.

			JOHN
	You're gonna be at John K's party?

			JAY
		(to SILENT BOB)
	My man is deaf.
		(yelling)
	I'M GOING TO JOHN K'S PARTY!
		(quieter)
	Neh.

			JOHN
	Yo, don't sell all that. 'Cause I'm
	gonna get the cash and buy it from
	you at John K's. You're gonna bring
	it, right?

			JAY
	The only place I don't bring my
	drugs is church. And that ain't
	till Sunday morning.

			JOHN
	Yo. I'll see you at that party.
		(puts his hand up to
		be slapped)
	I'll see you there?

			JAY
		(reluctantly slapping hands)
	I'll see you there.

JOHN leaves. JAY turns to SILENT BOB.

								102.


			JAY
	It's motherfuckers like that who
	give recreational drug users a bag
	name.
		(suddenly spotting
		someone O.C.)
	HEY BABY! YOU EVER HAD YOUR ASSHOLE
	LICKED?

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE and CAITLIN are embracing very tightly. We hold on
them for a few seconds, just to let it sink in. Then...

			DANTE
	When did you get back?

			CAITLIN
	Just now.

			DANTE
	My God. I haven't seen you since...
		(he hugs her again)


			CAITLIN
	Dante. You've got a customer.

DANTE hops behind the counter. A customer pays for something
while DANTE continues to talk.

			CAITLIN
	I just saw Alyssa's little sister
	outside. She was with Rick Derris.

			DANTE
	Let's not talk about that. How'd
	you get home?

			CAITLIN
	Train. It took eight hours.

			DANTE
	I can't believe you're here.

Another customer comes to the counter.

			CUSTOMER
	Excuse me, do you have...

								103.


			DANTE
		(to CUSTOMER)
	To the back, above the oil.
		(to CAITLIN)
	How long are you staying?

			CAITLIN
	Until Monday. Then I have to take
	the train back.

Yet another customer comes to the counter.

			CUSTOMER
	Pack of cigarettes.
		(to CAITLIN)
	Congratulations. I saw that
	announcement in today's paper.
		(to DANTE)
	She's marrying an Asian design major.

			DANTE
	So I'm told.

						CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

JAY and SILENT BOB lean against the wall.

			JAY
	Man, it's fucking slow.

SILENT BOB walks out of the frame, leaving JAY alone against
the wall. He comes back a few seconds later, carrying a
mini-Walkman with ten-watt speakers. He sets it down on the
ground and turns it on. House music starts playing. Jay-
possessed by the beat-breaks into an impromptu dance, in
which he makes suggestive and often lewd moves. SILENT BOB
leans against the wall.

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

On counter.

			CAITLIN
	You're just going to lock the store
	like that?

			DANTE
	I want to talk to you about
	something, and I don't want to be
	disturbed.

								104.


			CAITLIN
	You saw it?

			DANTE
	Very dramatic, I thought.

			CAITLIN
	It's not what you think.

			DANTE
	What, it's worse? You're pregnant
	with an Asian design major's child?

			CAITLIN
	I'm not pregnant.

			DANTE
	Were you going to tell me or just
	send me an invitation?

			CAITLIN
	I was going to tell you. But then
	we were getting along so well, I
	didn't want to mess it up.

			DANTE
	You could've broke it to me gently,
	you know; at least started by
	telling me you had a boyfriend. I
	told you I have a girlfriend.

			CAITLIN
	I know, I'm sorry. But when we
	started talking...it's like I
	forgot I had a boyfriend. And then
	he proposed last month...

			DANTE
	And you said yes?

			CAITLIN
	Well...kind of, sort of?

			DANTE
	Is that what they teach you at that
	school of yours? Kind of, sort of?
	Everyone knows about this except me!
	Do you know how humiliating that is?

			CAITLIN
	I would've told you, and you would
	have stopped calling, like a baby.

								105.


			DANTE
	How do you know that?

			CAITLIN
	Because I know you. You prefer
	drastic measures to rational ones.

			DANTE
	So you're really getting married?

			CAITLIN
	No.

			DANTE
	No, you're not really getting
	married?

			CAITLIN
	The story goes like this: He
	proposed, and I told him I had to
	think about it, and he insisted I
	wear the ring anyway. Then my
	mother told the paper we were
	engaged.

			DANTE
	How like her.

			CAITLIN
	Then my mother called me this
	morning and told me the announcement
	was in the paper. That's when I
	hopped the train to come back here,
	because I knew you'd be a wreck.

			DANTE
	Thanks for the vote of confidence.

			CAITLIN
	Was I right?

			DANTE
	Wreck is a harsh term. Disturbed is
	more like it. Mildly disturbed even.

			CAITLIN
	I love a macho fašade. It's such a
	turn-on.
		(sniffing air)
	What smells like shoe polish?

			DANTE
	And you came here to what? To
	comfort me?

								106.


			CAITLIN
	The last thing I needed was for you
	to think I was hiding something
	from you.

			DANTE
	But you were.

			CAITLIN
	No, I wasn't. Not really. I told
	you'd I'd been seeing other people.

			DANTE
	Yeah, but not seriously. Christ,
	you're ready to walk down the
	aisle-I'd say that constitutes
	something more than just seeing
	somebody.

			CAITLIN
	I'm giving him his ring back.

			DANTE
	What?

			CAITLIN
	I don't want to marry him. I don't
	want to get married now. I'm on the
	verge of graduation. I want to go
	to grad school after this. And then
	I want to start a career. I don't
	want to be a wife first, and then
	have to worry about when I'' going
	to fit in all of the other stuff.
	I've come way too far and studied
	too hard to let my education go to
	waste as a housewife. And I know
	that's what I'd become. Sang's
	already signed with a major firm,
	and he's going to be pulling a huge
	salary, which would give me no
	reason to work, and he's so
	traditional anyway...

			DANTE
	Sang? His name is a past tense?

			CAITLIN
	Stop it. He's a nice guy.

			DANTE
	If he's so nice, why aren't you
	going to marry him?

								107.


			CAITLIN
	I just told you.

			DANTE
	There's more, isn't there?

			CAITLIN
	Why, Mr. Hicks-whatever do you mean?

			DANTE
	Tell me I don't have something to
	do with it.

			CAITLIN
	You don't have anything to do with
	it.

			DANTE
	You lie.

			CAITLIN
	Look how full of yourself you are.

			DANTE
	I just believe in giving credit
	where credit is due. And I believe
	that I'm the impetus behind your
	failure to wed.

			CAITLIN
	If I'm so nuts about you, then why
	am I having sex with an Asian
	design major?

			DANTE
	Jesus, you're caustic.

			CAITLIN
	I had to bring you down from that
	cloud you were floating on. When I
	say I don't want to get married, I
	mean just that. I don't want to
	marry anybody. Not for years.

			DANTE
	So who's asking? I don't want to
	marry you.

			CAITLIN
	Good. Stay in that frame of mind.

			DANTE
	Buy can we date?

								108.


			CAITLIN
	I'm sure Sang and-Veronica?-would
	like that.

			DANTE
	We could introduce them. They might
	hit it off.

			CAITLIN
	You're serious. You want to date
	again.

			DANTE
	I would like to be your boyfriend,
	yes.

			CAITLIN
	It's just the shock of seeing me
	after three years. Believe me,
	you'll get over it.

			DANTE
	Give me a bit more credit. I think
	it's time we got back together, you
	know. I'm more mature, you're more
	mature, you're finishing college,
	I'm already in the job market...

			CAITLIN
	You work in a market, all right.

			DANTE
	Cute. Tell me you wouldn't want to
	go out again. After all the talking
	we've been doing.

			CAITLIN
	The key word here is talk, Dante. I
	think the idea, the conception of
	us dating is more idyllic than what
	actually happens when we date.

			DANTE
	So...what? So we should just make
	pretend over the phone that we're
	dating?

			CAITLIN
	I don't know. Maybe we should just
	see what happens.

			DANTE
	Let me take you out tonight.

								109.


			CAITLIN
	You mean, on a date?

			DANTE
	Yes. A real date. Dinner and a movie.

			CAITLIN
	The Dante Hicks Dinner and a Movie
	Date. I think I've been on that one
	before.

			DANTE
	You have a better suggestion?

			CAITLIN
	How about the Caitlin Bree Walk on
	the Boardwalk, Then Get Naked
	Somewhere Kind of Private Date?

			DANTE
	I hear that's a rather popular date.

			CAITLIN
		(hits him)
	Jerk. Here I am, throwing myself at
	you, succumbing to your wily
	charms, and you call me a slut, in
	so many words.

			DANTE
	What about Sing?

			CAITLIN
	Sang.

			DANTE
	Sang.

			CAITLIN
	He's not invited.

			DANTE
	He's your fiancÚ.

			CAITLIN
	I offer you my body and you offer
	me semantics? He's just a boyfriend,
	Dante, and in case you haven't
	gotten the drift of why I came all
	the way here from Ohio, I'm about
	to become single again.
			(MORE)

								110.


			CAITLIN (CONT'D)
	And yes-let me placate your ego-you
	are the inspiration for this bold
	and momentous decision, for which
	I'll probably be ostracized at both
	school and home. You ask me who I
	choose, I choose you.

			DANTE
	So what are you saying?

			CAITLIN
	You're such an asshole.

			DANTE
	I'm just kidding.

			CAITLIN
	I can already tell this isn't going
	to work.

			DANTE
	I'll ask Randal to close up for me-
	when he gets back.

			CAITLIN
	Where'd he go? I'd have thought
	he'd be at your side, like an
	obedient lapdog.

			DANTE
	He went to rent a movie, but he
	hasn't gotten back yet. Ah, screw
	it; I'll just lock the store up and
	leave him a note.

			CAITLIN
	You're too responsible. But no. I
	have to go home first. They don't
	even know I left school. And I
	should break the disengagement news
	to my mother, which is going to
	cause quite a row, considering she
	loves Sang.

			DANTE
	Who doesn't?

			CAITLIN
	Well, me I guess.
		(gathering herself to go)
	So, I shall take my leave of you,
	but I will return in a little
	while, at which time-yes-I would
	love to go for dinner and a movie
	with you.

								111.


			DANTE
	What happened to the walk and the
	nakedness?

			CAITLIN
	I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.
		(she kisses his cheek)
	See you later, handsome.

DANTE watches her leave. He then explodes in jubilance.

			DANTE
	YES!

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE looks ahead, dreamily, half-spinning in his chair.
RANDAL enters carrying videos.

			RANDAL
	Get to work.

			DANTE
		(takes videos)
	What'd you rent?
		(reads)
	Best of Both Worlds?

			RANDAL
	Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with
	both organs. You should see the
	box: Beautiful women with dicks
	that put mine to shame.

			DANTE
	And this is what you rented?

			RANDAL
	I like to expand my horizons.

			DANTE
	I got fined for selling cigarettes
	to a minor.

			RANDAL
	No way!

			DANTE
	Five hundred dollars.

			RANDAL
	You're bullshitting.

								112.


DANTE hands him the summons. RANDAL reads it.

			RANDAL
	I didn't think they even enforced
	this.

			DANTE
		(points to himself)
	Living proof.

			RANDAL
	I thought you never sold cigarettes
	to kids.

			DANTE
	I don't; you did.

			RANDAL
		(pause)
	Really?

			DANTE
	Little girl. Maybe five years old?

			RANDAL
		(taken aback)
	Holy shit. That girl?

			DANTE
	As opposed to the hundreds of other
	children you let buy cigarettes
	whenever you work here.

			RANDAL
	Then how come you got the fine?

			DANTE
	Because I'm here.

			RANDAL
		(incredulous)
	You're lying.

			DANTE
	I swear. I couldn't make this kind
	of hell up.

			RANDAL
	Then why aren't you like screaming
	at me right now?

			DANTE
	Because I'm happy.

								113.


			RANDAL
	You're happy?

			DANTE
	I'm happy.

			RANDAL
	You're happy to get a fine?

			DANTE
	No. I'm happy because Caitlin came
	to see me.

			RANDAL
	Now I know you're lying.

			DANTE
	I'm not. She just left.

			RANDAL
	What did she say?

			DANTE
	She's not going to marry that guy.
	She went home to tell her mother.

			RANDAL
	You're kidding.

			DANTE
	I'm not.

			RANDAL
		(takes it in for a moment)
	Wow. You've had quite an evening.

			DANTE
	She went home, she's getting ready,
	and we're going out.

			RANDAL
	I feel so ineffectual. Is there
	anything I can do for you?

			DANTE
	Watch the store while I go home and
	change.

			RANDAL
	What happened to title dictates
	behavior?

								114.


			DANTE
	This is my way of spitting water at
	life.

			RANDAL
		(suddenly aware)
	Hey, what about Veronica?

			DANTE
	No! Don't bring it up. I don't want
	to think about that now. Let me
	enjoy this hour of bliss. I'll
	think about all of that later. In
	the meantime, nobody mentions the V
	word.

			RANDAL
	You're a snake.

			DANTE
	In my absence, try not to sell
	cigarettes to any newborns.

			RANDAL
	You want me to bring the VCR over
	here so we can watch this?

			DANTE
	I might be leaving early to go out
	with Caitlin, in which case you'll
	have to close the store tonight.

			RANDAL
	All right, but you're missing out.
	Chicks with dicks.

			DANTE
		(puts cats on counter)
	I'll read the book.

DANTE exits. A CUSTOMER comes back to the counter. He pets
the cat.

			CUSTOMER
	Cute cat. What's his name.

			RANDAL
	Peptic ulcer.

						CUT TO:

								115.


EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

JAY and SILENT BOB watch as DANTE passes. A small group of
burners are poised around the store door. JAY carefully
writes on a large piece of paper, using a thick marker.
SILENT BOB hands him the scissors. JAY slowly cuts the large
piece of paper. SILENT BOB hands him the tape. JAY snaps off
a few pieces, and plasters the sign to the convenience store
door. It is a large word balloon, and it reads I EAT COCK!
Once in place, he raps on the window. RANDAL looks out, his
face adjacent to the word balloon, making it appear as if he
is saying he eats cock. The small group laughs hysterically.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

CAITLIN enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is watching
his porno. The porno is loud and lewd. CAITLIN stares.

			CAITLIN
	Randal Graves-scourge of the video
	renter.

			RANDAL
	Ladies and gentleman, Mrs. Asian
	Design Major herself: Caitlin Bree!

			CAITLIN
	You saw that article? God, isn't it
	awful? My mother sent that in.

			RANDAL
	I take it she likes the guy.

			CAITLIN
	You'd think she was marrying him.
	What are you watching?

			RANDAL
	Children's programming. What did
	your mom say when you told her you
	weren't engaged anymore?

			CAITLIN
	She said not to come home until
	graduation.

			RANDAL
	Wow, you got thrown out? For Dante?

			CAITLIN
	What can I say? He does weird
	things to me.

								116.


			RANDAL
	Can I watch?

			CAITLIN
	You can hold me down.

			RANDAL
	Can I join in?

			CAITLIN
	You might be let down. I'm not a
	hermaphrodite.

			RANDAL
	Few are. So what makes you think
	you can maintain a relationship
	with Dante this time around?

			CAITLIN
	A woman's intuition. Something in
	me says it's time to give the old
	boy a serious try.

			RANDAL
	Wow. Hey, I was just about to order
	some dinner. You eat Chinese, right?

			CAITLIN
	Dick.

			RANDAL
	Exactly.

			CAITLIN
	So where is he?

			RANDAL
	He went home to change for the big
	date.

			CAITLIN
	God, isn't he great?

			RANDAL
		(indicating TV)
	No, this is great.

			CAITLIN
	Can I use the bathroom?

			RANDAL
	There's no light back there.

								117.


			CAITLIN
	Why aren't there any lights?

			RANDAL
	Well, there are, but for some
	reason they stop working at five-
	fourteen every night.

			CAITLIN
	You're kidding.

			RANDAL
	Nobody can figure it out. And the
	boss doesn't want to pay the
	electrician to fix it, because the
	electrician owes money to the video
	store.

			CAITLIN
	Such a sordid state of affair.

			RANDAL
	And I'm caught in the middle-torn
	between my loyalty for the boss,
	and my desire to piss with the
	light on.

			CAITLIN
	I'll try to manage.

She heads toward the back.

			RANDAL
	Hey Caitlin...
		(cautionary)
	Break his heart again this time,
	and I'll kill you. Nothing personal.

			CAITLIN
	You're very protective of him,
	Randal. You always have been.

			RANDAL
	Territoriality. He was mine first.

			CAITLIN
		(rubs his head)
	Awww. That was so cute.

She kisses his forehead and walks away. The MOTHER and SMALL
CHILD (Happy Scrappy) come to the counter.

								118.


			MOTHER
		(oblivious of the TV)
	A pack of cigarettes.

The SMALL CHILD points at the TV screen.

			SMALL CHILD
	Cunt!

						CUT TO:

EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

RANDAL studies the I EAT COCK word balloon. DANTE enters.

			DANTE
	Who eats cock?

			RANDAL
	Bunch of savages in this town.
		(recalling)
	Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You
	might want to see if she's okay;
	she's been back there a long time.

			DANTE
	There's no lights back there.

			RANDAL
	I told her that. She said she
	didn't need any. Why don't you join
	her, man. Make a little bathroom
	bam-bam.

			DANTE
	I love your sexy talk. It's
	so...kindergarten: Poo-poo; wee-wee.

			RANDAL
	Fuck you.

The cooler down is heard opening. CAITLIN walks lazily down
the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied. DANTE
and RANDAL regard her curiously. She joins them, latching on
to DANTE's arm, lovingly.

			CAITLIN
	How'd you get here so fast?

			DANTE
	I left like an hour ago.

								119.


			CAITLIN
		(regards him curiously)
	Do you always talk weird after you
	violate women?

RANDAL and DANTE stare at CAITLIN, confused.

			RANDAL
	Maybe the Asian design major
	slipped her some opium?

			DANTE
	Could be.

			CAITLIN
		(hugging DANTE)
	Promise me it'll always be like that.

			DANTE
	Like what?

			CAITLIN
	When you just lie perfectly still
	and let me do everything.

			DANTE
	Um...okay.

			RANDAL
	Am I missing something here?

			CAITLIN
	I went back there, and Dante was
	already waiting for me.

			RANDAL
	He was?

			CAITLIN
	It was so cool. He didn't say a
	word. He was just...ready, you know?
	And we didn't kiss or talk or
	anything. He just sat there and let
	me do all the work.

			RANDAL
		(to DANTE)
	You dog! I didn't see you go back
	there.

DANTE is bewildered.

								120.


			CAITLIN
	And the fact that there weren't any
	lights made it so...
		(she lets out a growl
		and hugs DANTE)
	God! That was so great!

			DANTE
		(quietly)
	It wasn't me.

			CAITLIN
		(laughing it off)
	Yeah, right. Who was it: Randal?

			DANTE
		(to RANDAL)
	Was it you?

			RANDAL
	I was here the whole time.

			CAITLIN
		(half-laughing)
	You two better quit it.

			DANTE
	I'm serious.

			CAITLIN
		(beat)
	We didn't just have sex in the
	bathroom?

			DANTE
	No.

Everyone is silent. Then...

			CAITLIN
	Stop this. This isn't funny.

			DANTE
	I'm not kidding. I just got back
	from outside.

			CAITLIN
		(covering her chest)
	This isn't fucking funny, Dante!

			DANTE
	I'm not fooling around!
		(to RANDAL)
	Who went back there?

								121.


			RANDAL
	Nobody! I swear!

			CAITLIN
	I feel nauseous.

			DANTE
	Are you sure somebody was back there?

			CAITLIN
		(hits DANTE)
	I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus,
	I'm going to be sick!

			RANDAL
	You just fucked a total stranger?

			DANTE
	Shut the fuck up!

			CAITLIN
	I can't believe this! I feel faint...

			DANTE
		(to RANDAL)
	Call the police.

			RANDAL
	Why?

			CAITLIN
	No, don't!

			DANTE
	There's a strange man in our
	bathroom, and he just raped Caitlin!

			CAITLIN
		(weakly)
	Oh God...

			RANDAL
	She said she did all the work.

			DANTE
	WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?
		(pause)
	WHO THE FUCK IS IN THE BATHROOM?

						CUT TO:

								122.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. LATER

THE OLD MAN'S FACE is serene, almost happy, as he lies on a
stretcher. (Same OLD MAN who took a porn mag to the bathroom.)

			CORONER (O.C.)
	Who is he?

The body bag zipper is pulled closed. DANTE, the CORONER,
and RANDAL stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The
CORONER takes notes.

			DANTE
	I don't know. He just came in and
	asked to use the bathroom.

			CORONER
	What time was this?

			DANTE
	Um...I don't know.
		(to RANDAL)
	What time did hockey end?

			RANDAL
	Around three or something.

			DANTE
	What time did we go to the funeral?

			RANDAL
	I think four.

			CORONER
	Wait a second? Who was working here
	today?

			DANTE
	Just me.

			CORONER
	I thought you just said you played
	hockey and went to a funeral.

			DANTE
	We did.

			CORONER
	Then who operated the store?

			DANTE
	Nobody. It was closed.

								123.


			CORONER
	With this guy locked in?

			DANTE
	Everything happened at once. I
	guess I forgot he was back there.

Ambulance attendants join them.

			ATTENDANT 1
	Can we take this now?

			CORONER
	Go ahead.

The stretcher is wheeled out. Midway down the body bag,
something protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection.
RANDAL stares at it.

			DANTE
	Was he alive when...Caitlin...

			CORONER
	No. I place the time of death at
	about three-twenty.

			RANDAL
	Then how could she...you know...

			CORONER
	The body can maintain an erection
	after expiration. Sometimes for
	hours. Did he have the adult
	magazine when he came in?

			DANTE
	No. I gave it to him.

RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.

			DANTE
	Well he asked me for it!

			CORONER
		(continuing)
	I can't say for certain until we
	get him back to the lab, but my
	guess is he was masturbating, his
	heart seized and he died. That's
	when the girl found him.
		(sniffing the air)
	Something smells like shoe polish.

								124.


			RANDAL
		(to CORONER)
	This has gotta be the weirdest
	thing you've ever been called in on.

			CORONER
		(writing)
	Actually, I once had to tag a kid
	that broke his neck trying to put
	his mouth on his penis.

RANDAL looks down, anonymously.

			DANTE
	What about Caitlin?

			CORONER
	Shock trauma. She's going to need
	years of therapy after this. My
	question is, How did she come to
	have sex with the dead man?

			DANTE
	She thought it was me.

The CORONER stares at DANTE.

			CORONER
	What kind of convenience store do
	you run here?

He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.

			RANDAL
		(beat)
	Do you think he was talking about
	my cousin?

						CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

CAITLIN sits in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped
over her shoulders. An attendant takes her blood pressure.
The doors are closed and the vehicle speeds away. JAY and
SILENT BOB lean against the wall. JAY eats sugar out of a box.

			JAY
	I knew one of those motherfuckers
	was gonna kill somebody one day.

						CUT TO:

								125.


INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

A jar of salsa is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the
condiment, the corn chip resembles a surfacing shark fin.
Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life-swimming menacingly
to and fro across the jar.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
		(mumbling Jaws theme)
	Da-dum! Da-dum! Da-dum! DA-DUM! DA-
	DUM! DA-DUM!

DANTE and RANDAL are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes this
chip around the jar of salsa. DANTE stares up at the ceiling,
oblivious.

			RANDAL
	Salsa shark.

DANTE says nothing.

			RANDAL
		(as Brody)
	"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

DANTE says even less than nothing.

			RANDAL
		(as Quint)
	"Man goes into the cage; cage goes
	into the salsa; shark's in the
	salsa; our shark."

DANTE...you know.

			RANDAL
		(angry)
	What? What's with you? You haven't
	said anything for like twenty
	minutes. What the hell is your
	problem?

			DANTE
	This life.

			RANDAL
	This life?

			DANTE
	Why do I have this life?

			RANDAL
	Have some chips; you'll feel better.

								126.


			DANTE
	I'm stuck in this pit, earning less
	than slave wages, working on my day
	off, dealing with every backward
	fuck on the planet, the goddam
	steel shutters are locked all day,
	I smell like shoe polish, I've got
	an ex-girlfriend who's catatonic
	after fucking a dead guy, and my
	present girlfriend has sucked
	thirty-six dicks.

			RANDAL
	Thirty-seven.

			DANTE
	My life is in the shitter right
	about now, so if you don't mind,
	I'd like to stew a bit.

			CUSTOMER (O.C.)
	You open?

			RANDAL
	Yeah.

RANDAL hops off the freezer case and steps O.C.

			RANDAL (O.C.)
	That's all bullshit. You know what
	the real problem here is?

			DANTE
	I was born.

RANDAL comes back.

			RANDAL
	You should shit or get off the pot.

			DANTE
	I should shit or get off the pot.

			RANDAL
	Yeah, you should shit or get off
	the pot.

			DANTE
	What are you talking about?

			RANDAL
	I'm talking about this thing you
	have...this inability to improve
	your situation in life.

								127.


			DANTE
	Fuck you.

			RANDAL
	It's true. You'll sit there and
	blame life for dealing a cruddy
	hand, never once accepting the
	responsibility for the way your
	situation is.

			DANTE
	What responsibility?

			RANDAL
	All right, if you hate this job and
	the people, and the fact that you
	have to come in on your day off,
	then quit.

			DANTE
	As if it's that easy.

			RANDAL
	It is. You just up and quit. There
	are other jobs, and they pay better
	money. You're bound to be qualified
	for at least one of them. So what's
	stopping you?

			DANTE
	Leave me alone.

			RANDAL
	You're comfortable. This is a life
	of convenience for you, and any
	attempt to change it would shatter
	the pathetic microcosm you've
	fashioned for yourself.

			DANTE
	Oh, like your life's any better?

			RANDAL
	I'm satisfied with my situation for
	now. You don't hear me bitching.
	You, on the other hand, have been
	bitching all day.

			DANTE
	Thank you. Why don't you go back to
	the video store?

			RANDAL
	It's the same thing with Veronica.

								128.


			DANTE
	Leave her out of this.

			RANDAL
	You date Veronica because she's low
	maintenance and because it's
	convenient. Meanwhile, all you ever
	do is talk about Caitlin. You carry
	a torch for a girl you dated in
	high school-in high school for
	God's sake! You're twenty-two!

			DANTE
	Leave me alone.

			RANDAL
	If you want Caitlin, then face
	Veronica, tell her, and be with
	Caitlin. If you want Veronica, be
	with Veronica. But don't pine for
	one and fuck the other. Man, if you
	weren't such a fucking coward...

			DANTE
	...If I wasn't such a fucking
	coward.
		(chuckles)
	It must be so great to be able to
	simplify everything the way you do.

			RANDAL
	Am I right or what?

			DANTE
	You're wrong. Things happened
	today, okay? Things that probably
	ruined my chances with Caitlin.

			RANDAL
	What? The dead guy? She'll get over
	fucking the dead guy. Shit, my
	mom's been fucking a dead guy for
	thirty years; I call him Dad.

			DANTE
	Caitlin and I can't be together.
	It's impossible.

			RANDAL
	Melodrama coming from you seems
	about as natural as an oral bowel
	movement.

								129.


			DANTE
	What do you want me to say? Yes, I
	suppose some of the things you're
	saying may be true. But that's the
	way things are; it's not going to
	change.

			RANDAL
	Make them change.

			DANTE
	I can't, all right! Jesus, would
	you leave me alone? I can't make
	changes like that in my life. If I
	could, I would-but I don't have the
	ability to risk comfortable
	situations on the big money and the
	fabulous prizes.

			RANDAL
	Who're you kidding? You can so.

			DANTE
	Jesus H. Christ, I can't!

			RANDAL
	So you'll continue being miserable
	all the time, just because you
	don't have the guts to face change?

			DANTE
		(sadly)
	My mother told me once that when I
	as three, my potty lid was closed,
	and instead of lifting it, I chose
	to shit my pants.

			RANDAL
	Lovely story.

			DANTE
	Point is-I'm not the kind of person
	that disrupts things in order to
	shit comfortably.

DANTE crosses O.C. RANDAL appears contemplative.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE repairs ripped dollar bills, taping them back together.
JAY enters with SILENT BOB and claps his hands.

								130.


			JAY
		(singing)
	Noinch, noinch, noinch-smoking
	weed, smoking weed! Doing coke!
	Drinking beers!
		(to DANTE)
	A pack of wraps, my good man. It's
	time to kick back, drink some
	beers, and smoke some weed!

			DANTE
	Done poisoning the youth for the day?

			JAY
	Hell yes, whatever that means. Now
	I'm gonna head over to Atlantic,
	drink some beers, get ripped, and-
	please God-get laid.
		(pulls out money)
	E-Z Wider, one-and-a-halfs.

			DANTE
	One seventy-nine.

			JAY
		(to SILENT BOB)
	Pay the good man.
		(to DANTE)
	Don't you close soon?

			DANTE
	A half hour.

			JAY
	We get off about the same time
	every night. We should hang out.
	You get high?

			DANTE
	I should start.

			JAY
	Wanna come to this party tonight?
	There's gonna be some pussy there,
	man!

			DANTE
	With you? I don't think so.

			JAY
	Listen to you. Oh shit. "Oh, I
	don't hang out with drug dealers."

								131.


			DANTE
	Nothing personal.

SILENT BOB hands weed to JAY.

			JAY
	I work, just like you. You're more
	of a crook than I am, dude.

			DANTE
	How do you figure...HEY! You can't
	roll a joint in here!

			JAY
		(rolling a joint)
	Relax brother. What I mean is that
	you sell the stuff in this store at
	the highest prices around. A dollar
	seventy-nine for wraps-what's that
	shit?

			DANTE
	It's not my store.

			JAY
	And these aren't my drugs-I just
	sell them.

			DANTE
	The difference is you exploit a
	weakness.

			JAY
	What's that mean?

			DANTE
	You sell to people that can't stay
	away from an addiction.

			JAY
	All right. How much is Pepsi here?

			DANTE
	A dollar sixty-nine, plus tax.

			JAY
	At Food City it's ninety-nine
	cents, plus tax.

			DANTE
	So.

								132.


			JAY
	So why do you sell it for so much
	more? I'll tell you why-because
	people come here and they're like
	"A dollar eighty for soda? I should
	get it at Food City. But I don't
	feel like driving there. I'll just
	buy it here so I don't have to
	drive up there." That's exploiting
	a weakness, too, isn't it?

			DANTE
	I can't believe you just rolled a
	joint in here.

			JAY
	Hey, man, what happened with that
	old guy?

			DANTE
	He died in the bathroom.

			JAY
	That's fucked up. Yo, I heard he
	was jerkin' off.

			DANTE
	I don't know. I wasn't watching.

			JAY
	Probably saw that Caitlin chick. I
	know I felt like beatin' it when I
	saw her.
		(pantomimes sex)
	Come here, bitch! You like this? Is
	this what you want? Hunhh?

			DANTE
	Knock it off. That used to be my
	girlfriend.

			JAY
	You used to go out with her?

			DANTE
	We were going to start again, I
	think.

			JAY
	Don't you already have a girlfriend?

			DANTE
	Veronica.

								133.


			JAY
	Is she that girl who's down here
	all the time? She came here today
	carrying a plate of food.

			DANTE
	Lasagne.

			JAY
	And what-you were gonna dump her to
	date that Caitlin chick?

			DANTE
	Maybe.

			JAY
	I don't know dude. That Caitlin
	chick's nice. But I see that
	Veronica girl doing shit for you
	all the time. She brings you food,
	she rubs your back...Didn't I see
	her change your tire one day?

			DANTE
	I jacked the car up. All she did
	was loosen the nuts and put the
	tire on.

			JAY
	Damn. She sure goes out of her way.

			DANTE
	She's my girlfriend.

			JAY
	I've had girlfriends, but all they
	wanted from me was weed and shit.
		(beat)
	Shit, my grandma used to say,
	"Which is better: a good plate with
	nothing on it..." No, wait. I
	fucked up. She said "What's a good-
	looking plate with nothing on it?"

			DANTE
	Meaning?

			JAY
	I don't know. She was senile and
	shit. Used to piss herself all the
	time. C'mon Silent Bob.

Exit JAY. SILENT BOB stands there.

								134.


			SILENT BOB
	You know, there's a million fine-
	looking women in the world, but
	they don't all bring you lasagne at
	work. Most of them just cheat on you.

SILENT BOB leaves. DANTE shuts his eyes tightly and rubs the
bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as if in
deep concentration. He suddenly snaps his eyes open.

			DANTE
		(nearly surprised)
	He's right. I love her.

						CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

RANDAL has a heart-to-heart with VERONICA.

			RANDAL
	So that's it. He doesn't love you
	anymore. He loves Caitlin.

VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.

			VERONICA
	And...he told you all of this?

			RANDAL
	Pretty much. All except the latent
	homosexuality part-that's just my
	theory.

			VERONICA
	I...I don't know what to say.

			RANDAL
	Don't hold it against him. He just
	never got Caitlin out of his system.
	It's not your fault. It's Dante.
		(beat)
	I don't know thing one about chicks.
	Do you want to cry or something? I
	can leave.

			VERONICA
	I'm not sad.

			RANDAL
	You're not?

								135.


			VERONICA
	No, I'm more furious. I'm pissed
	off. I feel like he's been killing
	time while he tries to grow the
	balls to tell me how he really
	feels, and then he can't even do it!
	He has his friend do it for him!

			RANDAL
	He didn't ask me to...

			VERONICA
	After all that I've done for that
	fuck! And he wants to be with that
	slut? Fine! He can have his slut!

			RANDAL
	Um, do you think you can give me a
	lift home tonight?

			VERONICA
		(oblivious of RANDAL)
	I'm going to have a word with that
	asshole.

VERONICA storms out.

			RANDAL
	Wait! Veronica...I don't think...

RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.

			RANDAL
		(to customer)
	What am I worried about? He'll
	probably be glad I started the ball
	rolling. All he ever did was
	complain about her anyway. I'm just
	looking out for his best interests.
	I mean, that's what a friend does,
	am I right? I did him a favor.

			CUSTOMER
		(sees box on counter)
	Oooh! Navy Seals!

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

DANTE is on the ground holding his knee. VERONICA stands
above him.

								136.


			DANTE
	What the fuck did you do that for?

			VERONICA
	If you didn't want to go out with
	me anymore, why didn't you just say
	it? Instead, you pussyfoot around
	and see that slut behind my back!

			DANTE
	What're you talking about?

			VERONICA
		(kicks him)
	You've been talking to her on the
	phone for weeks!

			DANTE
	It was only a few times...

			VERONICA
	And then you pull that shit this
	morning, freaking out because I've
	gone down on a couple guys!

			DANTE
	A couple...?

			VERONICA
		(throws purse at him)
	I'm not the one trying to patch
	things up with my ex, sneaking
	around behind your back! And if you
	think that thirty-seven dicks are a
	lot, then just wait, mister: I'm
	going to put the hookers in Times
	Square to shame with all the guys I
	go down on now!

			DANTE
	Would you let me explain...

			VERONICA
	Explain what? How you were waiting
	until the time was right, and then
	you were going to dump me for her?

			DANTE
		(getting up)
	Veronica...I...it's not like that
	anymore...I mean, it was never
	really like that...

								137.


VERONICA kicks him in the other leg. DANTE goes down,
yelling in pain.

			VERONICA
	You're damn right it's not like
	that! Because I won't let it be
	like that! You want your slut? Fine!
	The slut is yours!

			DANTE
	I don't want Caitlin...

			VERONICA
	You don't know what you want, but
	I'm not going to sit here anymore
	holding your hand until you figure
	it out! I've encouraged you to get
	out of this fucking dump and go
	back to school, to take charge of
	your life and find direction. I
	even transferred so maybe you would
	be more inclined to go back to
	college if I was with you. Everyone
	said it was a stupid move, but I
	didn't care because I loved you and
	wanted to see you pull yourself out
	of this senseless funk you've been
	in since that whore dumped you, oh
	so many years ago. And now you want
	to go back to her so she can fuck
	you over some more?

			DANTE
	I don't want to go back with her...

			VERONICA
	Of course not; not now! You're
	caught, and now you're trying to
	snake out of doing what you wanted
	to do. Well, I won't let you. I
	want you to follow through on this,
	just so you can find out what a
	fucking idiot you are. And when she
	dumps you again-and she will,
	Dante, I promise you that-when she
	dumps you again, I want to laugh at
	you, right in your face, just so
	you realize that that was what you
	gave up our relationship for!
		(grabs her purse)
	I'm just glad Randal had the balls
	to tell me, since you couldn't.

								138.


			DANTE
		(weakly)
	Randal...?

			VERONICA
	And having him tell me...that was
	just the weakest move ever. You're
	spineless.

			DANTE
	Veronica, I love you...

			VERONICA
	Fuck you.

VERONICA exits. DANTE lies on the floor alone.

						CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

RANDAL exits and locks the door behind him.

						CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

Tight on RANDAL'S face as he steps inside.

			RANDAL
	Dante?

Hands clasp around his throat and yank him out of the frame.
DANTE throttles RANDAL, choking him to the ground. RANDAL
throws his fists into DANTE'S midriff, throwing him back
into the magazine rack. RANDAL jumps to his feet as DANTE
comes at him again. RANDAL tumbles into the cakes as
Entenman's products scatter beneath and around him. He grabs
a pound cake and hits DANTE in the head with it, using the
opportunity to scurry down the middle aisle. DANTE leaps at
his feet, and RANDAL grabs the shelves, knocking aspirin
over until RANDAL-shrieking-sprays something in DANTE'S face.
DANTE paws at his eyes. RANDAL grabs Italian bread and
smacks it into DANTE'S face as he rushes him blindly. DANTE
chases him out of the frame. M&M's scatter wildly across the
empty floor, and the ruckus is heard O.C.

						CUT TO:

DANTE and RANDAL later, out of breath, on the floor. RANDAL
sits up against the candy rack, rubbing his neck. DANTE lies
on the floor, bacon held against a sort of crushed cookies,
ripped-open candies, broken bread, and other damaged goods.

								139.


			RANDAL
	How's your eye?

			DANTE
		(reluctantly)
	The swelling's not so bad. But the
	FDS stings.
		(then)
	How's your neck?

			RANDAL
	It's hard to swallow.

They are both silent. Then...

			RANDAL
	You didn't have to choke me.

			DANTE
	Why the fuck did you tell Veronica
	that I was going to dump her for
	Caitlin?

			RANDAL
	I thought I was doing you a favor.

			DANTE
	Thanks.

			RANDAL
	You were saying how you couldn't
	initiate change yourself, so I
	figured I'd help you out.

			DANTE
	Jesus.

Silence. Then...

			RANDAL
	You still didn't have to choke me.

			DANTE
	Oh please! I'm surprised I didn't
	kill you.

			RANDAL
	Why do you say that?

			DANTE
	Why do I say that? Randal...forget
	it.

								140.


			RANDAL
	No, really. What did I do that was
	so wrong?

			DANTE
	What don't you do? Randal, sometimes
	it seems like the only reason you
	come to work is to make my life
	miserable.

			RANDAL
	How do you figure?

			DANTE
	What time did you get to work today?

			RANDAL
	Like ten after.

			DANTE
	You were over half an hour late.
	Then all you do is come over here.

			RANDAL
	To talk to you.

			DANTE
	Which means the video store is
	ostensibly closed.

			RANDAL
	It's not like I'm miles away.

			DANTE
	Unless you're out renting videos at
	other video stores.

			RANDAL
	Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we
	could watch it together!

			DANTE
	You get my slapped with a fine, you
	fight with the customers and I have
	to patch everything up. You get us
	chased out of a funeral by violating
	a corpse. To top it all off, you
	ruin my relationship. What's your
	encore? Do you anally rape my
	mother while pouring sugar in my
	gas tank?
			(MORE)

								141.


			DANTE (CONT'D)
		(sighs)
	You know what the real tragedy is?
	I'm not even supposed to be here
	today!

			RANDAL
		(suddenly outraged)
	Fuck you. Fuck you, pal. Listen to
	you trying to pass the buck again.
	I'm the source of all your misery.
	Who closed the store to play hockey?
	Who closed the store to attend a
	wake? Who tried to win back an ex-
	girlfriend without even discussing
	how he felt with his present one?
	You wanna blame somebody, blame
	yourself.
		(beat, as DANTE)
	"I'm not even supposed to be here
	today."
		(whips stuff at DANTE)
	You sound like an asshole. Whose
	choice was it to be here today?
	Nobody twisted your arm. You're
	here today of your own violation,
	my friend. But you'd like to
	believe that the weight of the
	world rests on your shoulders-that
	the store would crumble if Dante
	wasn't here. Well, I got news for
	you, jerk: This store would survive
	without you. Without me either. All
	you do is overcompensate for having
	what's basically a monkey's job:
	You push fucking buttons. Any moron
	can waltz in here and do our jobs,
	but you're obsessed with making it
	seem so much more fucking important,
	so much more epic than it really is.
	You work in a convenience store,
	Dante. And badly, I might add. And
	I work in a shitty video store.
	Badly, as well.
		(beat)
	You know, that guy Jay's got it
	right-he has no delusions about
	what he does. Us? We like to make
	ourselves seem so much better than
	the people that come in here, just
	looking to pick up a paper or-God
	forbid-cigarettes. We look down on
	them, as it we're so advanced.
	Well, if we're so fucking advanced,
	then what are we doing working here?

								142.


RANDAL gets up, leaving DANTE to contemplate his strong
words alone.

						CUT TO:

DANTE and RANDAL silently clean up, backs to each other.

						CUT TO:

DANTE places a mop in the corner. RANDAL pulls on his coat.

			RANDAL
	I threw out the stuff that got
	broken. The floor looks clean.

			DANTE
	You need a ride?

			RANDAL
		(looks out door)
	Got one. Just pulled up.

They stand in silence. Then...

			DANTE
	Do you work tomorrow?

			RANDAL
	Same time. What about you?

			DANTE
	I'm calling out. Going to hit the
	hospital-see how Caitlin is. Then
	try to see Veronica.

			RANDAL
	You wanna grab something to eat
	tomorrow night...after I get out of
	here?

			DANTE
	I'll call you. Let you know.

			RANDAL
	All right. Good luck with Veronica.
	If you want, I can talk to her, you
	know, and explain...

			DANTE
	No thanks. I'll take care of it.
	We've got a lot of shit to talk
	about.

								143.


			RANDAL
	Helluva day.

			DANTE
	To say the least.

			RANDAL
	Do you need a hug or something?
	'Cause I would have no hang-ups
	about hugging you...you know, you
	being a guy and all. Just don't
	knead my ass when you do it.

			DANTE
	Get the fuck outta here already.

			RANDAL
	I'm gone. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

RANDAL exits. A second later, he reenters and tosses DANTE
the sheet-sign.

			RANDAL
	You're closed.

He exits. DANTE pushes the sign over from Open to Closed.

DANTE climbs behind the counter. He pops the register open
and starts counting the drawer out. The door is heard opening.

POV JOHN: DANTE counting out the register, not looking up.

			DANTE
	What'd you forget something?
		(looks up, surprised)
	Oh. I'm sorry, we're closed.

A gunshot blasts out. DANTE flies back, his chest exploding.
He stares ahead and slumps to the floor.

JOHN walks behind the counter, stepping over DANTE'S body on
the floor, and takes the money out of the register. He grabs
a paper bag and jams the money in it. He grabs handfuls of
change, shoves it in his pocket, and then quickly exits the
frame. DANTE continues to lie on the floor.

CREDITS

Credits end, and the door is heard opening. A customer comes
to the counter and stands there. He waits, looks around for
a clerk, looks down the aisles.

			CUSTOMER
	Hello? Little help?

								144.

No reply. He looks around again, and glances at the door to
make sure nobody's coming in. Then he reaches behind the
counter and grabs a pack of cigarettes. He leaves.
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