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FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 78 He's staring blankly ahead. FERRIS' VOICE Thank you, sir. He nods. CU. PHONE Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call. CU. ROONEY He winces as he returns to the first call. 79 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN 79 Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice. CAMERON You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway? 80 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY 80 He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling. ROONEY I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am. CAMERON'S VOICE Pardon my French but you're an asshole! Rooney nods enthusiastically. ROONEY Absolutely! I most certainly am. 81 INT. KITCHEN 81 Cameron lays into Rooney. CAMERON This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me? ROONEY'S VOICE Load and clear, Mr. Peterson. CAMERON Call me sir, goddamn it! ROONEY'S VOICE Sir. CAMERON That's better. Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone. CAMERON (to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice! FERRIS Impossible. You're doing great. Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone. CAMERON (clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet. Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up. FERRIS (mouths) Great! Cameron smiles proudly. CAMERON I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around... Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone. CAMERON What'd I do? FERRIS Out in front my herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it. Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris. CAMERON You do it! Ferris waves his arms angrily. FERRIS Talk! Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice. CAMERON I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you! Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand. 82 CU. ROONEY 82 He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT. CAMERON'S VOICE On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch. We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS. 83 INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN 83 Cameron's rubbing the side of his head. CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me?! FERRIS Where's your brain?! CAMERON Why'd you hit me? FERRIS Where's your brain? CAMERON I asked you first. FERRIS How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?! CAMERON I said for her to be there alone and you freaked! FERRIS My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you. CAMERON You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it! Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment. CAMERON I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings. FERRIS I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings. CAMERON Oh, really? FERRIS Yeah, really. Cameron glares at Ferris. CAMERON Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life. He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs. FERRIS Cameron? CAMERON Stick it up your ass, Ferris. FERRIS Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for. Cameron stops. CAMERON You're serious? He turns around. FERRIS Dead serious. Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology. CAMERON Thanks. FERRIS You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right? CAMERON (suspiciously) Why? FERRIS To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor. Cameron's jaw drops. 84 INT. GARAGE 84 The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear. CU. FERRARI STALLION The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. CAMERON AND FERRIS Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven. CAMERON (grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion. FERRIS It is his fault he didn't lock the garage. CAMERON Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out. FERRIS A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile. CAMERON He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper. FERRIS We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit. CAMERON It's not a piece of shit. FERRIS It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do. CAMERON He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist. FERRIS He doesn't trust you? CAMERON No. FERRIS Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron. FERRIS Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off. CAMERON (suspicious) How? FERRIS (big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards. Cameron shakes his head, no. CAMERON Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else... CU. FERRARI GRILLE Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders. CAMERON'S VOICE ...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but... The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway. 85 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 85 She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously. 86 EXT. SCHOOL 86 The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down. 87 INT. FERRARI 87 Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back. CAMERON Are you crazy?! Put the top back up! FERRIS This is perfect top-down weather. CAMERON What about Rooney? FERRIS Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught. CAMERON That makes no sense whatsoever. FERRIS The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man. Cameron squeezes himself lower. CAMERON Howcome it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here? FERRIS I don't have an explanation. 88 EXT. SCHOOL 88 Rooney and Sloane come out the door. ROONEY Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss. SLOANE Huh? ROONEY Were you close to your grandmother? SLOANE Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah. DEEP VOICE Oh, Sloane! Dear! Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks. THEIR POV Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline. FERRIS Hurry along now! EXT. SCHOOL Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell. SLOANE I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya. She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him. 89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89 She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away. 90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90 He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him. 91 INT. FERRARI 91 Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss. SLOANE This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney! She laughs and turns to Cameron. SLOANE Hi, Cameron. You comfortable? CAMERON Hi. No. SLOANE What a fabulous car! CAMERON Enjoy it quick. It' s going home. FERRIS It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary. SLOANE What're we gonna do? FERRIS The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do." CAMERON Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please. FERRIS (to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension? He smiles. FERRIS Either would I. 92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92 It accelerates away like a shot. 93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93 A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot. 94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window. INT. BANK. TELLER A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris. TELLER Ferris Bueller? FERRIS He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches. FERRIS Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you? TELLER She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance. TELLER I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school? FERRIS He lays his savings bonds on the counter. FERRIS Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna. Sloane suppresses a laugh. FERRIS (to Cameron) And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling. Cameron isn't amused. TELLER (to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name? CAMERON Yeah. FERRIS I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish... INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive. TELLER A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited. Cameron groans and turns away from the sham. SLOANE I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front. Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds. TELLER Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? SLOANE Actually, we're hoping for a car. CU. CAMERON He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again. HIS POV Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers. CU. CAMERON It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder. CAMERON Shit... INT. BANK. JOYCE Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm. INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds. TELLER These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars... FERRIS I'm aware of that. TELLER You're throwing away four dollars. FERRIS No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days? INT. BANK. JOYCE She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out. INT. BANK. DOOR Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce. JOYCE Mrs. Froeling, how are you? MRS. FROELING I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud. Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about. MRS. FROELING (whispers) I met Madonna. She pats Joyce on the arm. MRS. FROELING She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift. She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled. 95 EXT. BANK 95 Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot. JOYCE My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him. We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car. MOTHER Of course. They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly. 96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96 His secretary is dialing a number for him. SECRETARY This is the Peterson's home. She hands the phone to Rooney. SECRETARY Watch your mouth this time. Rooney glares at her. ROONEY Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See? The secretary nods. SECRETARY And her grandmother, too. 97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97 It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane. SLOANE We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number... 98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98 Rooney quickly takes down a number. 99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99 His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice. CAMERON'S VOICE You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number... 100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100 Rooney hangs up the phone. ROONEY Something's going on, goddamn it. The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him. SECRETARY There's a railroad strike. ROONEY And I'm going to stop it! SECRETARY My brother-in-law'll appreciate it. Rooney looks at her, puzzled. ROONEY What? SECRETARY My brother-in-law rides the train to work. Rooney stares at her like she's crazy. ROONEY Who gives a good goddamn? 101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101 The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building. 102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102 Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can. KID Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached. KID They run about fifty g's so it you could help out... JEANIE Go piss up a flagpole! KID Huh? She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her. KID Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?! He reaches for the can. KID Heartless wench... 103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103 The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage. EXT. GARAGE Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits. CAMERON We can't leave the car here! FERRIS Why not? CAMERON Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs! SLOANE What could happen to it? CAMERON It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it. FERRIS I'll give the guy a five to watch it. CAMERON What guy? CU. PARKING ATTENDANT He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee. EXT. PARKING LOT The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give. FERRIS You speak English? ATTENDANT Since I was three. FERRIS Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay? He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles. ATTENDANT Like it's a beautiful woman. FERRIS I appreciate it. The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine. FERRIS See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman. CAMERON Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood. SLOANE Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic? She heads down the street. SLOANE This is so right! Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron. 104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104 Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house. 105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105 It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself. INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close. 106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106 Joyce quietly walks up the stairs. 107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107 Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING. CU. DOORKNOB Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack. HER POV The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves. CU. JOYCE She smiles and closes the door. 108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108 The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position. CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated. 109 INT. HALLWAY 109 Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection. 110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110 HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows. FERRIS (VO) This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states. CAMERON (VO) Do you think the car's alright? FERRIS (VO) Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana. 111 INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK 111 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window. CAMERON I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long? FERRIS Take a step back... Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit. FERRIS Now, lean against the glass. Like this... He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead. FERRIS And look down. Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly. SLOANE Oh, shit! HER POV The street far, far below. A dizzying view. INT. OBSERVATION DECK The three are leaning against the glass. SLOANE What if the glass gives? FERRIS Death. SLOANE Cool. CU. CAMERON He's looking down. CAMERON I think I see my Dad. 112 EXT. STREET LEVEL 112 A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face. CAMERON'S FATHER I think I see my car. HIS POV The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp. 113 INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY 113 Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing. FERRIS AND SLOANE I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET BACK IN THE STATES BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA 114 EXT. STREET 114 Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows. FERRIS AND SLOANE I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS! 115 EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE 115 Giant old monolith. 116 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM 116 Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities. 117 INT. GALLERY 117 Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings. SLOANE Do you love me? FERRIS Do you love me? SLOANE I asked you first. FERRIS Yes. You? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you? SLOANE Yes. FERRIS Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you? SLOANE Wait a minute. That was a lie. FERRIS True. Ferris puts his arm around Sloane. FERRIS Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole. SLOANE Sure. FERRIS (serious) Today? Sloane stares at him. Is he serious. FERRIS I'm game. SLOANE No way! FERRIS I'll do it, if you will. Cameron suddenly adds his two cents. CAMERON You need a blood test. Ferris looks around at him. FERRIS Huh? CAMERON If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test. FERRIS So? CAMERON So, you can't get married today. FERRIS Tomorrow? CAMERON If you get a blood test today. SLOANE I'm not getting married. CAMERON I'm with you, babe. FERRIS Why not? SLOANE What do you mean, why not? Think about it. FERRIS Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not. CAMERON I'll give you two. My mother and father. Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously. CAMERON They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right? FERRIS You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural. CAMERON It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. SLOANE My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day. CAMERON Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it? SLOANE No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced? CAMERON They may as well be. SLOANE Do you think they're staying together because of you? Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs. SLOANE Do they like you? It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given. CAMERON Yeah. Sure. SLOANE Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over. FERRIS (to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret. SLOANE (to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it. FERRIS (to CAMERA) She's not lying. CAMERON You could change. SLOANE Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it. FERRIS This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken. CAMERON I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you. SLOANE Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands. CAMERON So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble? SLOANE You're merely an inhabitant in their universe. FERRIS Frightening choice of words. SLOANE They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots. CAMERON So, you're saying I should run away? FERRIS No. She's saying it's time for lunch. SLOANE What? FERRIS Let's go feed Cameron. They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice. FERRIS BUY! And he exits. Cool and casual. 118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118 It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading... 119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119 A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon. 120 INT. RESTAURANT 120 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book. HIS POV His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd returns. MAITRE'D (to Ferris) May I help you? FERRIS Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00. The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously. FERRIS Is there a problem? MAITRE'D You're Abe Frohman? FERRIS I'm Abe Frohman. MAITRE'D (chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door... Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her. FERRIS Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? MAITRE'D Shall I call the police? CAMERON Let's go...Abe. FERRIS I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself. Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly. CU. PHONE Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings. INT. RESTAURANT The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily. FERRIS You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it. The maitre'd backs off. CAMERON Ferris, let's split, please? SLOANE Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted. FERRIS Not a chance in the world. He hands the phone to Sloane. FERRIS Ask for Abe Frohman. INT. RESTAURANT. LATER Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris. MAITRE'D I appreciate your understanding. FERRIS Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten. MAITRE'D Enjoy your luncheon. FERRIS Thank you. The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves. FERRIS Darling, you were wonderful. SLOANE Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher. FERRIS Cameron, dear friend? Cameron looks to Ferris. FERRIS And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you. Ferris disappears behind his menu. 121 EXT. SCHOOL 121 We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE. JEANIE (VO) Ferris Bueller's days are numbered. 122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122 Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND. JEANIE (mean, vicious) I'm gonna bust his buns. FRIEND Why? What's the point? JEANIE Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer. She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand. FRIEND I think he's cute. JEANIE Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be. She displays the velcro straps to her friend. JEANIE See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens! Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor. JEANIE Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what? FRIEND Everybody thinks you're an asshole. Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue. JEANIE Excuse me? FRIEND I don't think you're an asshole. JEANIE Who does? Her friend smiles sheepishly. JEANIE Rachel? Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm. JEANIE Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else? FRIEND I don't know. Just forget it. JEANIE Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole? FRIEND Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you. JEANIE Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me. Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief. JEANIE Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something? FRIEND Maybe if you didn't cat like and asshole... JEANIE Am I acting like an asshole? FRIEND I didn't mean it that way. JEANIE I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits. FRIEND You really do have a problem, Jeanie. JEANIE Me? I have a problem? FRIEND Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem. JEANIE Alright. How about if I sock your face? Jeanie's friend gets up. FRIEND Take a walk, Jeanie. Her friend exits. JEANIE (yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT! She snarls and slumps against the lockers. JEANIE He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat. 123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123 Ferris is standing at the urinal. FERRIS She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool. He looks down at the urinal. FERRIS I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned. He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal. FERRIS Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort. He checks his hair in the mirror. FERRIS When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up. He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink. 124 INT. RESTAURANT 124 Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates. CAMERON What is it? SLOANE I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested. CAMERON I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us. Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat. FERRIS What are you doing? Cameron looks at Ferris. CAMERON What is this shit? FERRIS You got me. I don't speak French. He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate. FERRIS I think it's a land-based beefoid creature. He takes a bite. He savors the taste. FERRIS Splendid. CAMERON Really? FERRIS Superb. Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively. FERRIS Good? Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him. FERRIS Yo, Clouseau! The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly. FERRIS I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here? The waiter glances at the plates. WAITER Sweetbreads. FERRIS Uh, huh. And what might that be? WAITER Pancreas. FERRIS As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism? CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths. CU. FERRIS He continues his questioning. FERRIS ...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans? CU. WAITER He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal. CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON They look at each other. CU. FERRIS He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue. CU. WAITER He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food. CU. FERRIS He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter. FERRIS Check, please! 125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125 Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold. FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the restaurant. FERRIS 40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to. CAMERON We're gonna get nabbed, for sure. FERRIS No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go. He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly. EXT. STREET. CAB Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab. INT. CAB Ferris slams the door. CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away. EXT. RESTAURANT Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP. 126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126 The grand old Chicago museum. 127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127 The main gallery is crowded with school kids. INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers. INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process. INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out. INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray. INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack. INT. GERMAN U-BOAT Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever. CU. PROPELLER For the first time in forty years, the screw turns. CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar. CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS. SLOANE (remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name? FERRIS (blank) Ninth Month. 128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128 From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon. CAMERON (VO) Are you guys worried about nuclear war? FERRIS (VO) Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war? SLOANE (VO) It is kind of raggy subject, Cam. CAMERON (VO) Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction. SLOANE (VO) Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective? CAMERON (VO) Maybe. FERRIS They used to have Viet Nam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know. SLOANE (VO) To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all. FERRIS (VO) We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall. CAMERON (VO) (dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is? Long beat. SLOANE (VO) Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit. The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME. EXT. BOAT DOCK The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world. SLOANE My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes. FERRIS He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit. SLOANE He says I don't care about things like he did. FERRIS What's he care about now? SLOANE Baldness, fatty meats and money. FERRIS I rest my case. CAMERON What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up. FERRIS One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past. CAMERON It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have. SLOANE Agreed. A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest. LOUDSPEAKER TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING... The three look to the left. LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON The Sears Tower. CAMERON You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving. FERRIS An hour ago you wanted to yack. CAMERON I feel better now. FERRIS Lean over and grab a fish. Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain. SLOANE What comes after a nuclear winter? FERRIS Nuclear spring. 129 EXT. SCHOOL 129 Meanwhile... 130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130 Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself. JEANIE It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him. She slips into the Dean's outer office. 131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131 Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile. SECRETARY Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now? Jeanie scowls at her. JEANIE Is Dean Rooney in? SECRETARY I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you? JEANIE (condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back? SECRETARY I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business. 132 EXT. STREET. CU. CURB 132 A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry. CU. FIRE HYDRANT Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock. EXT. STREET Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint. 133 INT. HOT DOG STAND 133 It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd. HIS POV A young person is playing a video game in a far corner. CU. ROONEY He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd. CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD MOVE IN on the player. ROONEY (OC) I've been waiting a long time for this. The player looks up. ROONEY (OC) Your ass is mine. The player turns around. It's a GIRL. CU. ROONEY The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl. CU. GIRL She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks. CU. ROONEY He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say. CU. GIRL Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face. CU. ROONEY He squints CU. GIRL She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face. CU. NAPKIN HOLDER A hand yanks a napkin hold. INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen. ROONEY What's the score? HOT DOG MAN Zero to zero. ROONEY Who's winning? HOT DOG MAN Cubs. Rooney nods and exits. 134 EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS 134 Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos. FERRIS I think I broke my thumb. SLOANE Can we leave now? FERRIS You want to leave? We just got here. SLOANE You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do? Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust. SLOANE No wonder you're always sick. Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun. FERRIS Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym? 135 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD 135 A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot. 136 INT. FIAT 136 Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school. JEANIE I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy. She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot. 137 EXT. STATE STREET 137 A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN". EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him. SLOANE I love him. CAMERON It's hard not to. Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words. CAMERON Stop...water...want... SLOANE Do you believe in reincarnation? CAMERON Huh? SLOANE Do you believe that you lived before? CAMERON Yeah. Sort of. SLOANE DO you ever wonder what you were? CAMERON I don't have to wonder. I know. Sloane looks at him with amazement. CAMERON I was a tractor tire. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd. FERRIS Guten tag, dude! EXT. STATE STREET Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation. CAMERON What were you in a previous life? SLOANE I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was. CAMERON Hannibal. SLOANE From the A-Team? CAMERON No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland. Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading. SLOANE I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world. Cameron nods. SLOANE I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission. CAMERON Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything. EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing. FERRIS WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW! GIRLS SHAKE IT UP, BABY FERRIS TWIST AND SHOUT! GIRLS TWIST AND SHOUT! FERRIS COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON! COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT! GIRLS WORK IT ON OUT! EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON They continue their conversation. SLOANE The future's worse for a boy, isn't it? Cameron doesn't understand what she means. SLOANE A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her. CAMERON That's a pretty grim thought. SLOANE True, but it's an option. No options is worse. CAMERON I don't know what I'm gonna do. SLOANE College. CAMERON Yeah, but to do what? SLOANE What are you interested in? CAMERON Nothing. SLOANE Me either. They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade. CAMERON What do you think Ferris is gonna do? EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT. EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER He's singing. POLICE OFFICER YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET. PUNKS A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk. PUNKS LOOK SO GOOD! EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along. WOMAN YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE! TODDLERS LOOK SO FINE! EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat. TEENAGER COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER He singing along. NEWSPAPER SELLER TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER! EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices. CHOIR AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS With their brooms ready... STREET CLEANERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE! EXT. STREET. DECK The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT". EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up. POLITICIANS AND WIVES AH! EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND The CLERGYMEN stand. CLERGYMEN AH! EXT. STREET. VETERANS Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms. VETERANS AH! EXT. STREET. FLOAT Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale. FERRIS AH! EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH The entire parade is at frenzy pitch. PARADE AHHHHH! The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE. 138 EXT. CALUMET CITY 138 The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO. CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO. CU. PARKING ATTENDANT His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO. CU. RASTAMAN His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO, EXT. STREETS. KIDS They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO. 139 CU. CAR GRILLE 139 It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car. EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house. 140 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 140 Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings. 141 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER 141 It acknowledges the doorbell. CU. CASSETTE PLAYER It clicks on. 142 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH 142 The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE. FERRIS Who is it? Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses. There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY B.S. Come down here. FERRIS' VOICE You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past. His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again. ROONEY I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. Rooney presses the intercom. ROONEY I'm not leaving, Ferris. There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording. ROONEY Don't get smart with me Ferris! FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition... Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious. 143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143 Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside. FERRIS' VOICE You may reach my parents at their places of business. 144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144 Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window. FERRIS' VOICE I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after... 145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145 A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house. HIS POV Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL. CU. ROONEY He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes. FERRIS Have a nice day. EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam. 146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146 Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers. CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted. CAMERON How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other. FERRIS She's probably schizophrenic. SLOANE Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket. FERRIS You don't think it's amazing that we got in? SLOANE Who wants to get in? FERRIS Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification. SLOANE I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands. FERRIS Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't. SLOANE I'm not a tramp. FERRIS Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it. He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light. FERRIS You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known. He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight. FERRIS Honey, you lies when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down... Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off. ELVIS IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN? SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN? TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? Ferris drops his head. Like the King would. 147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147 Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly. HIS POV The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken. ATTENDANT You looking for something in my car? CU. CAMERON'S FATHER He shakes his head, no. CAMERON'S FATHER No. 148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148 Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly. HER POV Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER. CU. JEANIE She's furious. JEANIE I'm gonna microwave his nuts... 149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149 Afternoon traffic. 150 INT. TAXI CAB 150 Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER. FERRIS So... He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license. FERRIS So, Yuri, how long have you been in America? DRIVER One year. FERRIS What's your overall impression? DRIVER It's very good here. FERRIS Better than Russia? DRIVER Much better here than in Russia. FERRIS Clearly you've never been to an American high school. Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane. CAMERON It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass. FERRIS You think I don't care? CAMERON I know you don't care. FERRIS That hurts, Cameron. SLOANE Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport. FERRIS Cameron, what'd you see today? Cameron looks at him. FERRIS You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos? Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes. HIS POV In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA. TOM'S POV Ferris' frozen face. FERRIS' POV Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA. TOM'S POV Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn. HER POV Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away. INT. CAB. FLOOR. Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat. FERRIS (to Sloane) What's he doing? SLOANE (revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands. FERRIS What?! Sloane bursts out laughing. SLOANE Roast! She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics. INT. TOM'S CAB Tom's looking into Ferris' cab. HIS POV Sloane's bouncing up and down. CU. TOM He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH. 151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151 The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart. EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog. ROONEY That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt! HIS POV The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA. 152 EXT. CITY STREET 152 Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again. CAMERON Money...tits...please... 153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153 A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house. 154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154 Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily. DELIVERY MAN Howdy! He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording. FERRIS' VOICE Who is it? The Deliver Man presses the intercom. DELIVERY MAN Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid... ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened condition, I could take a DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject What's your problem? myself to further school absenses... ROONEY (pause) He's one of my students. You can reach my parents at their places of DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well- ROONEY being. It will be What? remembered long after this illness has passed. DELIVERY MAN As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney. FERRIS' VOICE Have a nice day. DELIVERY MAN (to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular. Rooney is flabbergasted. DELIVERY MAN Nobody's home here? ROONEY No. DELIVERY MAN You gonna be around for awhile? ROONEY I imagine so. DELIVERY MAN You wanna keep an eye on these? Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man. DELIVERY MAN (happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall. He hands the arrangement to Rooney. DELIVERY MAN Gotta run. He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card. ROONEY (defeated) Oh, Christ... CU. CARD It's signed: ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF 155 INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO 155 The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone. D.J. I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today... 156 INT. STUDIO. FERRIS 156 He put his headphones on. 157 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 157 Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio. D.J. His name is Ferris Mueller. FERRIS Bueller. Ferris Bueller. INT. CAR. JEANIE She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks. D.J. Sorry about that. FERRIS It's cool. Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio. CU. CAR ANTENNA The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air. 158 INT. STUDIO 158 Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone. D.J. He has an incredible story. Ferris turns to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now. (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but... 159 INT. SCHOOL 159 A group of kids are sitting around a blaster. FERRIS' VOICE ...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission. 160 INT. STUDIO 160 Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA. FERRIS I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember? He turns back to the DJ. D.J. How did you get picked for this. FERRIS It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA. 161 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 161 A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on. 162 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD 162 The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head. EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY He's smiling with great satisfaction. ROONEY Sleep tight, pooch. He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows. HIS POV A glimpse of a fleeting figure. CU. ROONEY His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge. 163 INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM 163 Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer. JEANIE I knew it! She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number. 164 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 164 Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in. 165 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 165 Jeanie's on the phone. JEANIE Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything? She slams the phone down. JEANIE The worm has luck like clams have body odor... She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him. 166 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 166 Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen. 167 INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY 167 Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs. 168 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 168 Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den. 169 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 169 Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer. 170 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 170 Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer. 171 INT. FOYER 171 Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen. 172 INT. KITCHEN 172 Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs. 173 INT. CAR 173 Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio. FERRIS' VOICE My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car. INT. CAR Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear. D.J. VOICE Can you stay around and take a few phone calls? FERRIS' VOICE I'd really like to but I have a kidney operation in about an hour. EXT. CAR Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house. JOYCE If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off. She opens the car door. INT. CAR The door opens. D.J. VOICE I wish you the best of luck. FERRIS' VOICE Thanks, Steve. D.J. VOICE A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller. Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts. JOYCE (to the kid) Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up? The kid stares at her. JOYCE Did I tell you I have a son your age? BOYD Twice. JOYCE His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him. Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name. BOYD Is he going up in the space shuttle in September? Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look. JOYCE Not that I know of. BOYD I knew he was bullshitting. MOTHER Watch your mouth. BOYD How do you watch your mouth? JOYCE Do you know my son? FATHER Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults. BOYD I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun. Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car. 174 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 174 Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic. JEANIE This is not a phoeny phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller. There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops. JEANIE It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help! 175 INT. KITCHEN 175 Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on. JEANIE'S VOICE Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick. Rooney stiffens with fear. JEANIE'S VOICE I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes. 176 EXT. STREET 176 Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL. 177 EXT. PARKING LOT 177 The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub. FERRIS Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp? BLACK GUY (matter-of-fact) About 60. FERRIS Stunning! He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron. FERRIS This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind. Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in. 178 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET 178 The Ferrari cruises through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back. SLOANE What's next. CAMERON Nothing. We return the car. SLOANE We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late. FERRIS We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back. CAMERON Very funny. Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer. FERRIS Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left? CAMERON One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? He glances down at the speedometer. CU. SPEEDOMETER The odometer reads 432.7. FERRIS (to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk. EXT. TRAFFIC The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM. EXT. EXPRESSWAY The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic. INT. FERRARI Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support. SLOANE You okay? CU. CAMERON His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare. CU. FERRIS He looks at Sloane. He's concerned. FERRIS Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it. CU. CAMERON He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling. CU. SLOANE She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms. SLOANE Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris! CU. FERRIS He shoots Sloane a look. FERRIS Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable. INT. FERRARI Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris. SLOANE Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up. She turns back to Cameron. SLOANE What can I do, Cameron? CU. FERRIS Eyes front. He knows what he's doing. 179 INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER 179 The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated. FERRIS VOICE Who is it? We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom. VOICE Anybody home? FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now... The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs. JEANIE I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open. 180 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR 180 The door swings open. JEANIE Thank...you... Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes. HER POV The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch. NURSE (sings) WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT WE... The door slams shut. 181 EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET 181 Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage. KID Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Rooney doesn't respond. ANOTHER KID Did you get in a fight? Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him. DRIVER You want a lift? Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus. 182 INT. BUS 182 The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL. CU. GIRL She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose. CU. ROONEY He looks vacantly at her. CU. GIRL She holds her smile. GIRL I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before. CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She holds up a candy package. GIRL Gummi Bear? CU. ROONEY He stares at her. CU. GIRL She puts one in her mouth. GIRL They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm. CU. BOY A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him. CU. ROONEY He looks across to the kid. CU. BOY He leans forward. FRESHMAN BOY It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it? CU. ROONEY He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away. 183 EXT. BUS 183 It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES. 184 EXT. PARK 184 Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA. FERRIS This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us. He begins to walk. We follow him. FERRIS Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation. CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair. FERRIS (VO) Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. CU. SLOANE She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away. SLOANE Ferris? CU. FERRIS He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA. FERRIS I'm being tested here. He starts back to the picnic table. FERRIS My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. My, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild. 185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185 UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles. CU. BLASTER A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP. CU. BEER CAN LID The finger pops a beer. CU. OREO PACKAGE A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper. INT. JACUZZI Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos. FERRIS You feeling any better, Cameron? SLOANE The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in. CU. CAMERON Staring into space. CAMERON Surgery...fire...move... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer. FERRIS Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life? CU. CAMERON He doesn't respond. CAMERON Music...kiss...attack... CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS Sloane sips the beer. FERRIS You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check? SLOANE Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo. FERRIS Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself. CU. CAMERON No response. CAMERON Gesundheit...God...mercy... EXT. BACKYARD Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend. CU. CAMERON He smiles. CU. SLOANE She leans forward and stares at Cameron. CU. FERRIS He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to. CU. CAMERON He keels over forward. EXT. BACKYARD Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him. UNDERWATER Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water. UNDERWATER Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water. EXT. BACKYARD Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi. FERRIS CAMERON! CU. CAMERON His eyes are closed. He's lifeless. CU. FERRIS His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron. CU. SLOANE She's screaming. CU. CAMERON A smile spreads across his face. CU. FERRIS He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron. EXT. JACUZZI Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming. SLOANE What? FERRIS (Cameron) You asshole! Cameron's smiling. SLOANE What? Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered. SLOANE What's so funny? 186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186 Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her. BOY Drugs? JEANIE No, thank you. I'm straight. BOY I meant, are you here for drugs? Jeanie stares at him. JEANIE Why are you here? BOY Drugs. JEANIE I don't know why I'm here. BOY Then why don't you go home? JEANIE Why don't you put your thumb up your butt? The boy stares at her. BOY You want to talk about your problem? JEANIE With you? Are you serious? BOY Yeah, I'm serious. JEANIE Blow yourself. Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him. JEANIE You really want to know what's wrong? The boy shrugs. JEANIE Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that? BOY That's cool. Did you shoot him or something? JEANIE No, not yet. The boy nods. He understands the emotion. JEANIE I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call. BOY What do you care if your brother ditches school? Jeanie stares at the boy. JEANIE Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go? BOY You could ditch. JEANIE I'd get caught. BOY So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught? JEANIE Basically. The boy nods knowingly. BOY Then your problem is you. JEANIE Excuse me? BOY Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion. Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right. BOY There's somebody you should talk to. Jeanie stares at him threateningly. JEANIE If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle. BOY You know him? CU. JEANIE'S HAND It curls into a fist. 187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187 It's spinning rapidly. CY. ACCELERATOR A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down. INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing. CAMERON The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit. FERRIS I have a agree with you there. SLOANE Really. CAMERON I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be? FERRIS Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words? SLOANE God bless you, Cameron. CAMERON Thank you, Sloane. CAMERON If you guys only had one word, what would it be? FERRIS I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you. SLOANE Come on, Ferris, answer his question. FERRIS Bathroom. SLOANE I'd say... She thinks. FERRIS Cash. CAMERON It's the only word you could ever use. FERRIS Hello. SLOANE Love. FERRIS And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them? SLOANE It's better than "hello". FERRIS Hellos' generic. SLOANE You wanna be generic? CAMERON It's help. Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari. CAMERON The word is help. Cameron peeks in the window. CU. ODOMETER Nothing's happening. INT. GARAGE Cameron pulls his head out of the car. CAMERON Ferris? It's not working. Ferris looks up. CAMERON The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse. FERRIS I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand. Cameron shakes his head. CAMERON I got a better idea. It's cool. He walks back around behind the Ferrari. CAMERON Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand. CU. FERRIS He turns to CAMERA. FERRIS This is a big U-2 fan. CU. SLOANE She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him. CU. CAMERON He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself. CU. TIRES It's spinning wildly. CU. MERCEDES BUMPER Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove. CU. TIRE The spinning tires slam down on the cement. INT. GARAGE Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway. CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS They're in shock. EXT. HOUSE The Ferrari shoots down the driveway. INT. GARAGE Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered. THEIR POV The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house. CU. TREE The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk. INT. GARAGE Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold. FERRIS What was that about? SLOANE This has to be a dream. FERRIS Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that? Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look. FERRIS You trashed the car. Cameron looks across the street. SLOANE Why? CAMERON I took a stand. FERRIS No, Cameron. You wrecked a car. Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence. CAMERON It's okay. Ferris looks across the street at the car. FERRIS I have an idea. If you're interested. Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head. CAMERON I'm gonna handle it. FERRIS I think this could work. CAMERON No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself. SLOANE What about your one word? CAMERON You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it. He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow. CAMERON It's cool. I'm loose. 188 INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE 188 Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. JOYCE She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist. OFFICER For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare. JOYCE I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her. The gathers her purse and jacket and stands. JOYCE Thank you. OFFICER Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better. Joyce looks at the officer curiously. OFFICER Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him. 189 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 189 Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion. JEANIE (to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good. BOY For sure. Jeanie stands up. JEANIE Hi. JOYCE Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff. Jeanie reaches down for her purse. BOY What's your name? JEANIE Jean. What's yours? BOY Garth Volbeck. 190 EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD 190 Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence. SLOANE I had a great time today. FERRIS Yeah. It was pretty cool. SLOANE You think Cameron's gonna be alright? FERRIS Sure. He had to so it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea. Sloane smiles knowingly. SLOANE You didn't have an idea, did you? FERRIS Not a glimmer. SLOANE You're so smart. FERRIS No. I'm just real loose. He kisses her. FERRIS I'll call you tonight. Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face. SLOANE I LOVE YOU! She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP. SLOANE He's gonna marry me. I know it. She turns and runs into the house. 191 EXT. BACKYARD 191 Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf. 192 EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD 192 Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool. 193 CU. BEDSPREAD 193 Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash. CU. SLOANE She's writing. CU. PIECE OF PAPER We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it. "...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need. Sincerely, Sloane Peterson Executive Director The Ferris Bueller Foundation" 194 EXT. FERRIS' STREET 194 He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him. INT. CAR. Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take. HIS POV. MIRROR We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house. CU. TOM He realizes it couldn't be Ferris. 195 INT. HOUSE 195 Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously. 196 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 196 Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction. 197 EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH 197 Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat. CU. PORCH The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK. CU. FERRIS He stares up in horror. HIS POV Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key. EXT. PORCH Ferris stands up. He smiles. ROONEY Looking for this? FERRIS Yes. ROONEY I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you. Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely. ROONEY How does another year of high school sit with you? Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him. JEANIE Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick! CU. FERRIS A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles. CU. ROONEY His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating. EXT. PORCH Jeanie breaks the embrace. JEANIE (to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now. Ferris limps into the house. JEANIE Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids! CU. ROONEY He's dumbfounded. CU. JEANIE She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face. CU. ROONEY A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked. EXT. PORCH Jeanie steps into the house. 198 INT. HOUSE 198 The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year. 199 EXT. YARD. CU. DOG 199 The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass. CU. ROONEY He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut. 200 INT. KITCHEN 200 Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside. TODD Ferris? Does my head look like it's getting bigger? Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother. FERRIS No, but Kimberly's is. He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head. KIMBERLY (to Todd) Is he serious? TODD I think so. KIMBERLY Oh, shit! Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in. FERRIS Thanks, Jeanie. JEANIE No problem. FERRIS By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back. JEANIE You don't have to. FERRIS I want to. JEANIE You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years. Ferris gives her a proud smile. 201 EXT. HOUSE 201 Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen. 202 INT. KITCHEN 202 Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter. JOYCE (to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys. KIMBERLY Is my head swelling up? 203 INT. HOUSE. FOYER 203 The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs. JEANIE I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long. FERRIS It's completely cool. JOYCE (OC) Ferris! Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice. FERRIS Upstairs, Mom! 204 INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING 204 Ferris and Jeanie stop. JEANIE Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck? FERRIS Vaguely. JEANIE Is he cool? FERRIS He's cool. But stay away from his brother. Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down. JOYCE Honey? CU. FERRIS The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging. TOM (OC) Ferris? How do you feel? He pulls in his tongue to speak. FERRIS (deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you. 205 INT. BEDROOM 205 Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern. FERRIS I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I... TOM Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse. FERRIS Maybe you're right, Dad. TOM I know I'm right. Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead. JOYCE How did you get so sweet? FERRIS Years of practice. Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit. CU. FERRIS The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA. FERRIS (happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight. He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. FERRIS You gotta get one. He smiles. MUSIC UP BIG END TITLES THE END