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Four Rooms (1995)

by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


MAIN TITLES

As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues."
Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under
that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by
"Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in
alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors'
names, we . . .

FADE UP ON A WALL

The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami
Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara
Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc . . . .

The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon
Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in
front.

An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue:

                                 VOICE-OVER

       There used to be a staff of fifty in this place. I'm the only

        one left from those days. It all comes down to one sap: the

        night-shift bellhop, that's me. What the hell is a bellhop?

                    You know where the name comes from?

                                 (silence)

     Of course not. . . . It's so simple it's stupid. They ring a bell

        and you hop. You hop to front and center. No heroes in this

         line, kid. Just men doing a job. No questions asked, none

      answered. I try to keep it simple, kid, not too personal. . . .

Another voice of a young man interrupts.

                                    TED

                      You met any of those old stars?

                                THE OLD GUY

          Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a

          shit, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to

        roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese

         sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. What did

                           you say your name was?

                                    TED

                                    Ted.

                                THE OLD GUY

         Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night

        and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound of the fans

        out back spinning around. Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol

        Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll pick up a few stories

                               yourself, kid.

                                    TED

                     I don't think so, not like yours.

                                THE OLD GUY

      What do you think a star does when he goes to the bathroom, kid?

                                    TED

                                 Beats me.

                                THE OLD GUY

         He pulls his pants down and takes a crap just like you and

                          me. Take my word for it.

A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on
it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy
sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The
old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks
like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a
bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off
a big cigar.

                                THE OLD GUY

                                  Camacho!

                                    TED

                                    Who?

                                THE OLD GUY

         The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, wrapped in Miami. I get a

            box of them every Christmas from the chairman of the

         board. I think he sends them to me to keep my mouth shut.

         It's tough not to get a little personal in this business.

The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost
in thought.

                                    TED

                             What do you mean?

The old guy passes the cap over to Ted.

                                THE OLD GUY

                                 Put it on.

Ted puts the cap on.

                                THE OLD GUY

        Frankly, you look stupid . . . like the Philip Morris guy. I

       can't believe I wore that thing for fifty years. You keep it.

The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few
postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the
lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows.

                                THE OLD GUY

     Stay away from night clerks, kids, hookers, and marital disputes.

The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye.

                                THE OLD GUY

                     Never have sex with the clientele.

                                    TED

                 No way, not me. You got any other advice.

                                THE OLD GUY

                             Always get a tip.

The door slams shut on the back room.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT

The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this
used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The
concierge--a snappy, fast-talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer
named Betty--stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in
hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door.
Betty sees him.

                                   BETTY

                       Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute!

The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around.

                                THE OLD GUY

                                   What?

Betty comes from behind the desk.

                                   BETTY

                        I just want to say good-bye.

                                THE OLD GUY

                                Who are you?

                                   BETTY

                   Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your boss.

The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal.

                                THE OLD GUY

            Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam cigar went out.

                                   BETTY

                                Yeah, sure.

She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away.

                                   BETTY

         I just want you to know, from the owner and all the staff,

      your fifty years of service have been an inspiration to us all.

         You're a legend in your own time, and the Mon Signor will

                               never be the--

                                THE OLD GUY

                        Just forward my cigars, Red.

         (He turns around the walks out, saying over his shoulder)

                              Aufwiedersehen!

Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody
uniform, sans cap.

                                    TED

                   Sam the bellboy. Now there was a man.

                                   BETTY

            Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start the night shift?

                                    TED

                                   Yeah.

                                   BETTY

                       Well, let me buy you a drink.

                                    TED

              You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting my shift.

                                   BETTY

        You're not an alcoholic, are you; one drink won't kill you.

                                    TED

                                Yeah, sure.

They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we

SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M.

INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT

Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This
dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style.

                                   BETTY

  After fifty years, Sam retires, and you're taking over the night shift.

                                    TED

                                  Correct.

                                   BETTY

                   You're filling some mighty big shoes.

                                    TED

                                Oh, I know.

                                   BETTY

                  Sam was a legend in the hotel business.

                                    TED

                              Oh, I know . . .

                                   BETTY

                            A bellhop's bellhop.

                                    TED

                         An inspiration to us all.

                                   BETTY

           He ran the night desk for fifty years, all by himself.

                                    TED

                              An amazing man.

                                   BETTY

          No desk clerk. No night man. No help. Just fuckin' Sam,

                               and his wits.

                                    TED

                                A man alone.

                                   BETTY

                       And you're gonna do the same.

                                    TED

                                  I know.

                                   BETTY

                                  Tonight.

Ted spews his drink.

                                    TED

                                  Tonight!

                                   BETTY

                               Yes, tonight.

                                    TED

                                  I can't.

                                   BETTY

                               Yes, you can.

                                    TED

            No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before.

                                   BETTY

                       Oh night shift--smight shift.

                                    TED

                   We were supposed to work it together.

                                   BETTY

                            I know, but I can't.

                                    TED

                                  Why not?

                                   BETTY

                     I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

                                    TED

                                Since when?

                                   BETTY

          Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's

          this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I.

                                    TED

                     I can't run this place by myself.

                                   BETTY

                              Oh, sure ya can.

                                    TED

                                No, I can't.

                                   BETTY

               Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years.

                                    TED

          Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I

                             haven't had a day.

                                   BETTY

                          Look, Teddy, calm down--

                                    TED

                           --Don't call me Teddy.

                                   BETTY

        Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy.

                  During the night there's nothing to do.

                                    TED

                            It's New Year's Eve.

                                   BETTY

           Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on

         Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You

                     just got butterflies, that's all.

                                    TED

  What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself.

Betty slows the scene down.

                                   BETTY

         Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off.

                              Let's just talk.

                                    TED

                  You can say any goddamn thing you want--

                                   BETTY

          --Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were

        cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're

                               just talking.

                                    TED

      Okay . . . okay . . . okay . . . I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk.

                                   BETTY

       Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's

          New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll

        just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in

       at three . . . four . . . five . . . in the morning. Nobody's

        having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You

         got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The

              only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse.

                                    TED

              Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective?

                                   BETTY

         Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're

       in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable

        is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars.

                      I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake.

Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.

                                   BETTY

                                (continuing)

         And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party.

Ted thinks about it for a moment.

                                    TED

                                   Okay.

                                   BETTY

                                  Great--

                                    TED

                             --For fifty bucks.

                                   BETTY

                                Fifty bucks!

                                    TED

        You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay

                   a price, and the price is fifty bucks.

                                   BETTY

       One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're

           taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now,

                       twenty bucks is a fair price.

                                    TED

         Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are

           completely and totally taking advantage of me and your

               position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price.

Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.

                                   BETTY

        Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's

       an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me

                unless the fuckin' building's burning down.

She gives him the money.

                                   BETTY

                        Get ready to take the desk.

Betty leaves.

Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the
night.

FADE TO BLACK

STORY TITLE CARD:

                                  room 321

                               "STRANGE BREW"

FADE IN:

EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK

Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads
her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean
Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess,
but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian
accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.

Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan
bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to
lift it.

                                   ATHENA

             Pleeze be careful--my God. You have no idea . . .

Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto
the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets
in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood
vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at
Ted, who is out of breath.

                                   ATHENA

             I'm usually a good tipper, but this one--this cab

      driver--he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man.

Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.

                                    TED

      Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that?

                                   ATHENA

                            Something like that.

                                    TED

         Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me . . . how's

                              the tip lookin?

                                   ATHENA

                 I see purple . . . in your face, and . . .

As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his
crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly
oblivious.

Athena looks back into his face.

                                   ATHENA

                             . . . you're okay.

Ted touches his face--as if searching for the "purple" in it--and moves the
cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused
side glance.

INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK

Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation.

                                   ATHENA

                                 Athena Z.

                                    TED

                  (scratching his head--weird name, okay)

           You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite--just one night?

                           With all this luggage?

                                   ATHENA

                   I will only need to stay till sunrise.

                                    TED

                   Okay . . . and how will you be paying?

                                   ATHENA

                                 With gold.

He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly--she pulls out her Gold Card and
smiles.

EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows
Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the
room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side.
A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub.

Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety--then looks in front of him to
Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles,
"Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she
mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns
to Ted, who is truly perplexed.

                                   ATHENA

                      Well--the other bag--I need it.

                                    TED

                                   Right.

He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly.

                                    TED

           What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons?

She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag.

                                   ATHENA

                                  (dryly)

                         The White Cliffs of Dover.

Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a
10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and
disoriented.

                                   ATHENA

             The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze.

Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he
turns from outside the doorway.

                                    TED

            Oh--I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi.

But Athena is ahead of him--she flips a switch and water begins to flow
from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.

                                   ATHENA

        I been in dis' place many New Year's. So . . . you send the

                         others to me, huh. Go now.

As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out.
Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite.

IN THE SUITE BEDROOM

A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine
having an orgasm in this room--unless it were achieved by laughing.

Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her
tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and
places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty
heart-shaped pillows.

Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled
slippers. And these she places with reverance on the bed.

                                   ATHENA

           On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your

               virgin flesh and bring you back to real life.

CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.

                                   ATHENA

         Soon--I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a

         swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay?

INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS

Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth
arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes,
blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a
rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder.

                                    TED

                              May I help you?

                                  ELSPETH

                    I . . . we . . . have a reservation.

Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.

                                  ELSPETH

                                   Kiva!

ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather
coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her
breasts. This is Kiva.

Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as
Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the
juvenile delinquent's hands.

                                    KIVA

      Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night.

                                  ELSPETH

                                  (to Ted)

               We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite.

                                    TED

         Oh yeah . . . you must be one of "the others." And what're

                    you carrying--the Rock of Gibraltar?

She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around
the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside.
He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of
smoking, as Kiva lights up.

                                  ELSPETH

                      What'd I tell you about smoking?

                                    KIVA

                                 You smoke.

                                  ELSPETH

         That's right--I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't

                   want the same thing to happen to you.

                                    KIVA

                         (in game-show host voice)

         "Hello--welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of

                             the Year Award--"

As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing
increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits,
luggage in hand.

                                  ELSPETH

                           Kiva! That's enough--

She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.

                                    KIVA

                           You're not my mother!

                                  ELSPETH

                                 Yes I am.

                                    KIVA

                     Then why're we sleeping together?

Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here.
Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny.

                                  ELSPETH

    Well . . . I didn't mean it . . . literally. I . . . I happen to be

                  the only one who . . . cares about you--

But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered.

                                  ELSPETH

                        Please--take us to our room!

Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth
quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He
jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables,
lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted
stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a
transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and
flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.

But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and
pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet
encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle.

                                  ELSPETH

            Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat.

Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth
kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and
leaves.

                                  ELSPETH

                You're gonna have to wait in the other room.

                                    KIVA

                                    Why?

                                  ELSPETH

                             Because I said so.

                                    KIVA

                               I'll watch TV.

                                  ELSPETH

          You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with

                                our ritual.

Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to
Elspeth with sarcastic concession.

                                    KIVA

                             Okay . . . Mommy.

Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters
the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes
a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between
her breasts.

Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall
and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom.

Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed"
artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped
pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the
union with tender affection.

                                   ATHENA

          Soon--our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee.

Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV
suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink
negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible
youth.

                                   ATHENA

            What are you doing! Have you no respect--who--who is

                                 dis girl?

                                  ELSPETH

        Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at

          home--she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her.

                                   ATHENA

       Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual.

           She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us.

                                  ELSPETH

                She stays!! Or I go--along with my offering!

The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out--

                                   ATHENA

                        TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN!

                                    KIVA

                           (in a seductive pout)

                               Make me . . .

Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly
demands from Elspeth--

                                   ATHENA

          Let's not forget--I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal

                               with dis girl!

Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverance and respect. She bows
apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.

                                   ATHENA

                      (eyes lifted to heaven, wearily)

           Tell me--did we have these problems in Salem? I don't

                               think so . . .

IN THE BEDROOM

Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch.

                                  ELSPETH

                 Kiva . . . you know what I love about you?

Kiva smirks . . . yeah, she knows.

                                  ELSPETH

                              Your sweet side.

                                    KIVA

                      And what do I get if I'm sweet?

                                  ELSPETH

          You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love

                                 about you?

                                    KIVA

                               (seduced now)

                                   What?

                                  ELSPETH

                                 Your nose.

And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is
quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word.

                                  ELSPETH

                      And I saw you checking her out.

Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place--for now.

IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK

The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage--and
lots of it--behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a
Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and
proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess.

                                  JEZEBEL

                     (talking to her cat in baby talk)

     Oh you little stinker . . . oh you sweet little muffin. Yes . . .

                            Mama loves the baby.

AT THE DOOR

Jezebel bursts in, chattering.

                                  JEZEBEL

        Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls . . .

Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all
the more tranformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings.
Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as
Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot
tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her
cat--upward toward heaven--frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in
the vibes: "Ahhhh."

Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is
to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against
her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.

                                  JEZEBEL

                                Toodle-loo.

And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the
bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself.

                                  JEZEBEL

         Well--I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool--what the

           hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual?

                                   ATHENA

                                 (wearily)

          I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves.

           Come on--there is more work to be done to welcome our

                                great Diana.

                                    KIVA

                           I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!

                                  ELSPETH

      Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter?

                                  JEZEBEL

         Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place

                   to find serious relationship material.

Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.

IN THE HALLWAY

Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of
perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand--at least these
lunachicks tip well.

Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she
wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes.
No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the
hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.

                                   RAVEN

                 I'm looking for the room for making love.

                                    TED

          You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight

        thata way . . . you can't miss it--see all that furniture in

                               the hallway--

                                   RAVEN

          Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew

        where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with

                      me. The others are here--great!

                                    TED

                                 (wearily)

                  Oh yeah--it's so great--it's fantastic.

                                   RAVEN

                             (in deep empathy)

       Ohhh . . . I know it all seems very strange but you're coping

         with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's.

                                    TED

                              Past New Year's?

                                   RAVEN

         Oh yes--we've been coming here every New Year . . . for a

                    long time. Thanks for your patience.

                                    TED

          Oh hey--no problem--wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin

          the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi.

           Throw the furniture out the . . . where're your bags?

                                   RAVEN

                            I travel very light.

Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark
hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.

INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She
looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and
skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries
two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva.

                                    TED

                       (already weary of these girls)

                        Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite.

                                    EVA

                        Oh . . . yes . . . I'm late.

She lowers her eyes, worried.

                                    TED

                      All right--lemme give ya a hand.

                                    EVA

         Oh . . . no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself.

She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been
irritated with her. He picks up her bags.

                                    TED

                      I'm a man doin' a job--no hero.

Eva smiles, beautifully.

                                    EVA

                           Well gosh--thank you!

IN THE ELEVATOR

Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy
quiet tension here.

                                    EVA

                Tell me, how long have the others been here?

                                    TED

                               About an hour.

Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in.

IN THE SUITE

The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an
elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-earthly. The other four girls
are arranging the altar as Eva enters.

                                   ATHENA

                          You are very late, Eva.

                                    EVA

        I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta

                            was late in coming.

Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back.

                                    EVA

           Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that . . .

Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse.

                                  ELSPETH

         Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or

                             that of a goddess?

                                    EVA

   All life is precious . . . but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth.

                                  JEZEBEL

        Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate

         chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out.

                                    EVA

         They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it

         causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea

          and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple

 are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby.

                                    KIVA

         Oh wow--if they were really back-to-nature, they'd eat it,

                           like other mammals do.

CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.

                                   RAVEN

          In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical

       cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch

       that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta

       is also a very sound ecological practice--'cause of the oxygen

                                it carries.

                                    EVA

                         (cheerfully to the others)

          Yes--because you see when the placenta detaches from the

                             uterine wall . . .

                                    TED

                            (wincing in disgust)

      Uh, thank you, ladies--I'll be going now. If you need anything--

Eva places a nice tip in his palm.

                                   ATHENA

                       Wait. We do need a few things.

Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly,
holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers
her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now
rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from
the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize
into the garments.

                                   ATHENA

          We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we

             need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening?

Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.

                                    TED

                           Yeah, yeah, rosemary.

                                   ATHENA

      And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no

          sea salt. A bottle of spring water--Italian please, not

                                French shit.

                                    KIVA

                           And some french fries!

                                  ELSPETH

                               Kiva, shut up.

                                   ATHENA

                                (irritated)

       And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece

                     of raw meat, liver if you have it.

                                    KIVA

                                 (whining)

       I want fries--you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual!

                                   ATHENA

                         Shut up, you little shit.

                                  ELSPETH

                        Don't talk to her that way!

Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and
these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva.

Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him
in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his
head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks.

                                   ATHENA

                             Get to work, man.

Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he
goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in
ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials.

Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva,
sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping
irreverently in the water.

                                  ELSPETH

                                 Kiva . . .

                                    KIVA

                                   What?

                                  ELSPETH

                    You have to go in the next room now.

                                    KIVA

              Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch.

                            (whining at Elspeth)

                                 I'm bored!

                                  ELSPETH

                                    UP!

She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet.

                                    KIVA

        Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much.

                                  ELSPETH

                         Kiva, don't do this to me.

Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi.
She begins to speak softly.

                                    KIVA

        Please . . . if you just lemme . . . I'll play dress-up with

         you, the way you like it . . . you know what I mean . . .

                              remember . . . ?

Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on
softer seduction.

                                    KIVA

        We can pretend and I'll do it exactly . . . the way you want

                 it . . . with the egg whites and the kilt.

Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it
lightly on her face.

                                  ELSPETH

                       You mean . . . like last week?

Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from
Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life--in front
of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at
her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an
impatient and stern Athena.

Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.

                                  ELSPETH

                     We'll talk about this later, Kiva.

                                    KIVA

                                 (angrily)

                                    No!

She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and
grabs Kiva by the hair.

                                  JEZEBEL

                        Aw, really now--child abuse?

                                  ELSPETH

                            You stay outta this!

                                   ATHENA

                      I demand this stop now, Elspeth!

Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.

                                    KIVA

                         I'm running away from you!

                                  ELSPETH

        Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll

                  find you and send you back to Eastlake!

Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.

                                   ATHENA

            Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start

                        the goddamn ritual--pleeze?

Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They
anoint themselves with oils.

                                   ATHENA

          We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life

          the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this

                      very room forty years ago today.

The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the
circle.

                                   ATHENA

        Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you,

          that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of

      the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life.

               We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies.

And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully
draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold
from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the
Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They
anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.

They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The
first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up
the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She
steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.

                                   ATHENA

                      On this night, in this hour, we

                        Call upon the Ancient Power

                       O Goddess bride, I offer thee

                     Milk from a mother's sweet titty!

Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and
bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her
offering in a vial.

                                  ELSPETH

                  To reverse the evil which has been done

                   I make this offering to the Divine One

                       A whore not, an innocent was,

                    For whom I seized a virgin's blood.

                                  JEZEBEL

                     Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust,

                  To undo this awful spell is a real must.

                     To bring you life and get you high

                  I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.

The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot
tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a
small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate
stupor.

                                   RAVEN

                  Diana, oh great one, we live without sun

                     Until this wicked curse is undone.

                  In hope that you live, and to us appear,

                 I have collected a year's worth of tears.

She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn.
Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their
eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives
her a push and she goes.

Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on
its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant.

                                    EVA

                   Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will,

                  I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill.

                I had him erect, and his semen would follow

                But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed.

The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her
eyes, wildly.

                                   ATHENA

       You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi--yi!

Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.

                                  ELSPETH

        It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over

                               yourself, Eva!

                                  JEZEBEL

           Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your

            mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?

                                   RAVEN

                         I understand though . . .

Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.

                                   ATHENA

           There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're

          gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove

                     what kind of witch you really are.

Just then: a knock at the door.

                                   ATHENA

                               (calling out)

                             What do you want?!

                                    TED

                           Ted . . . the bellboy.

Athena smiles and turns to Eva.

                                   ATHENA

                        Mr. Bellboy, come right in!

Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast.
He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles,
red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by
the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts.
Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to
fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their
shirts. Ted wheels in the cart.

                                    TED

        Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm

               not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish.

He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the
Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him
comtemptuously.

                                   ATHENA

                           (handing Ted 50 bucks)

       Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to

        do one more thing . . . make our little Eva smile. Can you?

                           We'll leave you alone.

                              (to Eva, firmly)

                           And don't your mouth!

The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds
up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She
looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl.

IN THE HALLWAY

The other witches listen at the door.

                                  ELSPETH

       If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take

                                him myself.

                                  JEZEBEL

                      Ha! That'll be a first for you.

                                  ELSPETH

                               Oh shit--Kiva!

She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the
bedroom door.

                                  ELSPETH

                 And just where do you think you're going?

                                    KIVA

          Well, gawd--I need a candy bar or something--you haven't

          fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's

                                really low.

                                  JEZEBEL

           Elspeth--honestly now--some babysitter you're turnin'

                                 out ta be!

                                   ATHENA

       Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you

          to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch.

        Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back

  here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off.

The witches disperse.

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT

Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted
is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics,
she looks off sadly.

                                    TED

             Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks!

                                    EVA

     Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is . . .

Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.

                                    EVA

                     You won't understand, believe me.

She begins to cry tearfully again.

                                    TED

                     Try me. I've been around, y'know.

He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he
paternally encourages her to explain.

                                    EVA

         Well . . . okay. The five of us--Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena,

                         Raven and me--are a coven.

                                    TED

                        Ha, like a coven of witches?

                                    EVA

                                    Yes.

                                    TED

                                 (stunned)

                                    Oh.

He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid
substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture .
. . and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again
puffs himself up.

                                    TED

                                I knew that!

                                    EVA

                              (getting calmer)

       And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect

         a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana.

                                    TED

                   Gee, you don't look a day over twenty!

                                    EVA

        Oh . . . ha ha . . . I mean the witches before us tried and

         failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great

        potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful

                         goddess into an old rock.

                                    TED

                           (looking at the rock)

                        Yeah? Is . . . is that her?

Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.

                                    EVA

         She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a

        great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on

       her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana.

                                    TED

                         She turned to--that--here?

                                    EVA

          Yes . . . and her young husband turned into a pink fish!

         They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our

                dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed.

Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and
hands it to Ted.

                                    EVA

                              This was Diana.

CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a
bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked
high heel.

                                    TED

                 This girl here? This is the goddess Diana?

The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties
her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes
the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek
tango.

CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him?

                                    TED

        I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin.

                                    EVA

          Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for

         marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do

                   everything but that till I marry . . .

She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.

                                    TED

      Hey, don't cry . . . a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If

                 you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it.

                                    EVA

       Well, it doesn't matter now . . . and she won't be resurrected

          tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down!

                                    TED

            Wait a sec--that rock was gonna turn back into this?

He holds up the photo. Eva nods.

                                    TED

                 Now, that would be something worth seeing!

                                    EVA

               Only, not now--we were each supposed to bring

                          something--a life fluid.

                                    TED

                            (wincing in disgust)

      If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations,

                      I don't think I wanna hear this.

                                    EVA

                      Only . . . I swallowed it . . .

                                    TED

                            You swallowed what?

Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now.

                                    TED

        You mean, you were supposed to bring . . . like . . . like a

                        guy's . . . and you . . . ?

She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.

                                    EVA

                      And now, you're my last chance!

                                    TED

                                 (laughing)

                                Yeah, sure.

                                    TED

                               (then--panic)

             Whoa, what? You want my--for the--witchy poo--ahh

        no--no way--nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was

                    warned: "No sex with the clientele"!

Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts,
and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to
him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle.

                                    TED

                        Ha, c'mon now, joke's over.

                          (seeing this is no joke)

                 Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder.

                                    EVA

         That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the

                           horns of Albino goats.

                                    TED

                            Right! I knew that!

He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet.
Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her
gaze.

                                    TED

           What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway?

                                    EVA

         Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've

         attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears

                              and everything.

                                    TED

                     (trying to dodge her hexing eyes)

    Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there.

All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.

                                    EVA

          I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my

          feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife!

                                    TED

                           (the hex working now)

       Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your

                          . . . girl powers . . .

Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.

                                    EVA

                          Do you really think so?

                                    TED

                      (buckling under the temptation)

           Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case . . . .

             (she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly)

                     Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me!

                                    EVA

                       Who's Betty--your girlfriend?

                                    TED

                                No. My boss.

                                    EVA

                                  Oh good!

                                    TED

                                   Oh no!

They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him
toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT

Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a
cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door
dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card.

                                    EVA

                    My phone number in Topanga. Call me?

                                    TED

                                  (cocky)

                   Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call.

She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies
from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a
lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb.

                                    KIVA

                           What's that used for?

                                   RAVEN

        It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also

           use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.

                                    KIVA

                          Hey--I wanna be a witch!

The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke
at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the
room.

IN THE SUITE

Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.

                                    EVA

                              I'm a woman now!

                                   ATHENA

                         But where is his "stuff"?

                                    EVA

                         (pointing to the Jacuzzi)

                We did it right there, in the big cauldron!

                                  JEZEBEL

          Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your

           mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication?

                                   RAVEN

      Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life . . . but

                       you will learn. As we all did.

                                  JEZEBEL

                      Yeah, when she can't walk . . .

                                (to Elspeth)

            I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems--

                            without penetration.

                                  ELSPETH

               No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either.

                                   ATHENA

        Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with

                           our ritual, goddammit.

Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva
throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on
her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other
witches--not sure she likes this--but she goes with it. The witches sway in
a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.

                                    EVA

                         Goddess Diana, I offer you

                      The jism of one I wooed for you

                   That you may live and know such bliss

                    Of getting laid by a guy like this.

The witches all incant.

                             ALL OF THE WITCHES

                               So must it be.

                       Three times three times three.

They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi
begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOURS LATER

Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of
potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has
been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV
. . . so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.

                                   ATHENA

                    I don't understand what went wrong.

                                  ELSPETH

                      I say Eva pulled one over on us.

                                    EVA

                                   What?

                                  JEZEBEL

           Honey--Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked

        good . . . and the best actress in this world, or any other,

                       can't fake a thing like that!

                                  ELSPETH

           Exactly--if she was fucked so good, how could she save

                                 his come?

                                   RAVEN

                           It could be done . . .

                                   ATHENA

                            Girls, knock it off.

                        (she looks up from the book)

       Maybe . . . maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male.

                                    EVA

                                 (dreamily)

                             He was no virgin!

The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes
the slab.

                                   ATHENA

       Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come

      back for her before checkout time. I just . . . feel too sad to

            carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her.

They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.

                                  JEZEBEL

                             (cuddling her cat)

         I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama

                          would have a hissy fit!

                                    KIVA

                              (flirtatiously)

                           I'll carry your bags.

                                  ELSPETH

                                  (firmly)

                          You're carrying my bags!

They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her
luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore--"ouch,"
she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab.

                                   ATHENA

                Next year, we try again--with virgin sperm.

She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!).

FADE TO BLACK.

                                 four rooms

FADE UP ON:

INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT

Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.

                                    TED

            Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and

                          cookies, or do you not?

                                  (pause)

          I can't turn on an adult station without permission from

                               your parents.

                      (pause, he checks his computer)

                   That's not what the machine tells me.

                                  (pause)

          You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now

        leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to

                                   sleep.

He hangs up.

                                    TED

                                (to himself)

                               Goddamn kids.

SUPER: 1:00 a.m.

The phone rings again.

                                    TED

                               Room Service.

INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT

A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line.
Music BLARES. People dance in background.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                             What room am I in?

INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT

BACK AND FORTH

                                    TED

                        This is the front desk, sir.

The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                            What room are we in?

                               REAL THEODORE

                    How should I know? I just got here.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                                (into phone)

            You know, don't you have one of those light things?

                                    TED

         If you care to go to the door and look on the other side,

                        you'll find the room number.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                             (to Real Theodore)

             Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on.

                               REAL THEODORE

                           Who's your assistant?

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                    The girl you party with every night.

                               REAL THEODORE

                                (to himself)

                                    Who?

                                    TED

                            I'm here alone, sir.

                               REAL THEODORE

                          It's room 404, I think.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

               I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor.

                               REAL THEODORE

                                Right. 404.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                                (into phone)

                                Right. 404.

                                    TED

                           What do you need, sir?

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                             (to Real Theodore)

                              What do we need?

                               REAL THEODORE

                                    Ice.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                                    Ice?

                               REAL THEODORE

                                    Ice.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                                (into phone)

                                    Ice.

                                    TED

                                    Ice.

                                YUPPIE SCUM

                                 Yeah. Ice.

                                    TED

            Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily.

CUT TO:

STORY TITLE CARD:

                                  room 404

                              "THE WRONG MAN"

INT. DARK HALLWAY

Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth
and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which
the faded numbers read something like "Room 404."

Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door
swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room.

INT. ROOM 404

                                    TED

                               Anybody home?

A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.

                                MAN'S VOICE

                        No one here but us chickens.

                                    TED

                    Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.

                                MAN'S VOICE

            What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show?

                                    TED

                               Do I know you?

                                MAN'S VOICE

                           I don't know. Do you?

In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the
barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire.
At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports
a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face.
Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a
beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the
bucket to the floor.

                                    TED

                            I brought your ice.

                                  SIGFRIED

         That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The

                  monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss.

                                    TED

                This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404?

                                  SIGFRIED

                Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore?

                                    TED

                             A very upset man?

Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants
into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried
thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to
Angela.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (to Angela)

                        I am an upset man, Theodore.

                                    TED

                       How do you know my name, sir?

                                  SIGFRIED

                           I'm psychic, Theodore.

                                    TED

          Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's

           going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time.

                                  SIGFRIED

        Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing,

                     Theodore. The fact is you're here.

Sigfried turns to Angela.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

         And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce

                  me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.

                                    TED

         Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My

            name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I

          hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me

                             Ted. I work here.

Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack
into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in
shock.

                                  SIGFRIED

        Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about

              things like when you broke in your first mitt--

                                  (pause)

          That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E?

                     But let's cut to the chase, okay?

                                    TED

                                   Okay.

                                  SIGFRIED

                               So apologize!

A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out
what the fuck this guy wants.

                                    TED

                                 For what?

Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.

                                  SIGFRIED

              You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore.

Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.

                                    TED

         Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I

                 could help you with your problem I would.

                                  SIGFRIED

          What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are

        you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm

                           FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!

                                    TED

               Look, is this about another man? Or something?

Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends
down next to Ted.

                                  SIGFRIED

        Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right?

                                    TED

                               Ted's better.

                                  SIGFRIED

            Ted, okay . . . Are you saying my wife cheats on me?

                                    TED

                      I didn't say that . . . I . . .

                                  SIGFRIED

        Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a

          situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's

       pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie

        to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible

                       response. I demand an apology!

The phone rings.

                                  SIGFRIED

                     Don't move. I've got to take this.

Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (into phone)

                                   What?

                                  (pause)

        We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun.

He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                  (to Ted)

                   Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember.

Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.

                                  SIGFRIED

               I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore.

Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun
lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it.
Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume
the pose.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

                   Now say after me, "I apologize . . ."

                                    TED

                             I apologize . . .

                                  SIGFRIED

                                 For what?

Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense,
wide-open eyes.

                                  SIGFRIED

                             For fucking what?

                                    TED

                That I said you might have been unfaithful?

                                  SIGFRIED

      "That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore,

     you're in church here . . . you're kneeling in front of an altar.

    Truth . . . truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore,

          must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you

                            fucked another man!"

Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming
effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

                                 Satisfied?

Angela nods.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

                     Do you accept the fucking apology?

Naturally, Angela says nothing.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

        You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way

   with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back.

Sigfried turns to Ted.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

      She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops . . . .

Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath
for a response. Sigfried's had enough.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

          Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say

           something . . . something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm

        sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want

          it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela.

      She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling

      ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in

         this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't

         want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes

                        you feel very little indeed.

Ted beckons Sigfried.

                                    TED

                           You mind if I . . . ?

                                  SIGFRIED

                           Go ahead. Spit it out.

                                    TED

        I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was

                             trying to say yes.

                                  SIGFRIED

                   Are you condescending to me, Theodore?

                                    TED

                   Absolutely not, I would never do that.

                                  SIGFRIED

                         Why don't you just say it?

                                    TED

                                 Say what?

                                  SIGFRIED

                        That you think I'm an idiot.

                                    TED

                          I would never say that.

                                  SIGFRIED

          You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You

         don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth.

                                    TED

                             Of course you do.

                                  SIGFRIED

          Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that?

                                    TED

                                 How, sir?

                                  SIGFRIED

             Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let

          you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore.

                         It's all in the eyes . . .

                          (points the gun at Ted)

                                    Him?

                         (turns the gun on himself)

             Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out.

Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty
bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom.

INT. ROOM 404

Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to
lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the
door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom
door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his
attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game
of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from
Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out.

                                    TED

                                   What!

                                   ANGELA

          We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie

                                 me quick.

                                    TED

       Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here,

         but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase

                      that he's making a big mistake.

                                   ANGELA

        Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a

            situation here you can't just wish your way out of.

                                    TED

      But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers.

                                   ANGELA

          Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up

                           that counts. Hurry up.

Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not.

                                    TED

               I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard.

                                   ANGELA

          Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many

               times you change your underwear in a lifetime?

On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.

                                   ANGELA

                   I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.

                                    TED

                                   What?

                                   ANGELA

        Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind

                         the bed, it's loaded . . .

                                    TED

                      I'm not going to shoot anybody.

                                   ANGELA

                Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody."

                                    TED

          And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband?

Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.

                                    TED

                    That's not fair. It just isn't fair.

                                   ANGELA

        Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my

           husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here,

       fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping

                                  on tea.

Ted collects himself.

                                    TED

        Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides

                               to this thing.

                                   ANGELA

       There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one.

                              Now GET THE GUN!

                                    TED

                        So why's he got you tied up?

                                   ANGELA

                     I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!

Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.

                                   ANGELA

          Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can

               do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy.

Ted creeps towards her.

                                   ANGELA

          That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when

                            you're self-assured.

Sigfried suddenly comes to life . . . . He's heard from the bathroom
belting out "Life is but a dream . . . she-boom, she-boom."

                                   ANGELA

                                (she panics)

             Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and

                             remember the gun!

Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.

                                    TED

         Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the

                           best of my estimation.

INT. ROOM 404

Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to
discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom.

                                  SIGFRIED

         I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore.

                                 Silly me.

Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.

                                    TED

              I was just trying to help her breathe a little.

                                  SIGFRIED

          Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling

                             you Teddy, do you?

                                    TED

                                That's fine.

                                  SIGFRIED

        I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked

          real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is

          you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin'

       razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you,

                  Teddy . . . no need to play sneaky-poo.

Ted starts to back toward the door.

                                    TED

          Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you

         want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no

                                    way.

                                  SIGFRIED

                      (shouts at the top of his lungs)

                       I said, nibble, asshole! Now!

The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger
being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty,
and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans
forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close.

                                    TED

                                 (whispers)

                                Sorry, lady.

Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.

                                  SIGFRIED

           What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not

                         cramping your style, am I?

                                    TED

                  Look, I'm not playing this game anymore.

Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.

                                  SIGFRIED

        It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to

                                   Mommy.

Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts
out the following monologue.

                                    TED

                My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED,

            T . . . E . . . D . . . . TED . . . . NOT TEDDY, NOT

            THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the

          service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to

          how you know that because everyone who knows that lives

         a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's

       like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in

         jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated

           assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a

            mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in

       little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow

         fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon

             Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo

             the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and

          goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole

          bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me

           now, because no one is going to call me that again. My

                      name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!

Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step
toward Ted and offers him his hand.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                 Sigfried.

                                    TED

                                   What?

                                  SIGFRIED

                            My name is Sigfried.

                                    TED

                                 Sigfried?

Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.

                                  SIGFRIED

                               Yah, Sigfried.

                                    TED

                        Nice to meet you, Sigfried.

Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.

                                  SIGFRIED

         Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?" . . . Ouch. It's

                        a deal, kid. Ted it will be.

                                    TED

                                  Thanks.

Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in
the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New
Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere
bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in
Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the
grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as
he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the
place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the
barrel of the gun.

                                    TED

                      You okay, mister? I'll get help!

Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals
for Ted to go to the bathroom.

                                    TED

                                (continuing)

                        That's the wrong door, sir.

Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his
crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.

                                  SIGFRIED

         Get me the nitro . . . it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now!

Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME

Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and
wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down
the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other
room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked
"Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.

He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.

Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window
before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may,
he can only hit the toilet-bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out
through the apartment.

                               SIGFRIED (OS)

                         (shouting in the distance)

        It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here!

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT

Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a
strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a
huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red
glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT

Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no
avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help.
The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He
wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this
before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a
bloody hand print. It's not his blood.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT

Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young
man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the
window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted
gathers himself.

                                    TED

                                  Hi . . .

No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from
his face and he is mumbling something.

                                    TED

       Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin

         to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could

                        you call the police, please?

Silence.

                                    TED

                                (continuing)

                                 You okay?

The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a
mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke
and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor.

He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd . . .
the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER

Ted looks around the still room. No one's there.

                                    TED

                                 Sigfried?

He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots
Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair
has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He
pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him.

                                   ANGELA

                         Where's the fucking nitro?

                                    TED

                            I couldn't find it!

                                   ANGELA

           You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you

                     fucking upset him and he's dying.

Ted struggles to untie Angela.

                                    TED

                     I thought you wanted to kill him.

                                   ANGELA

                     You'd make a great cop, Theodore.

The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie.

                                    TED

              I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help.

Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the
whole conversation.

                                  SIGFRIED

                  I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?

                                    TED

                        Thank God you're okay . . .

                                  SIGFRIED

                             Never felt better.

Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back.

                                   ANGELA

                                You bastard!

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (to Angela)

       Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and

          I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you

                    really do love me. Truly and deeply.

                                   ANGELA

       If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body

           lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find

              ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment.

                                  SIGFRIED

           Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that

                    voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted?

                                    TED

        I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open

  dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.

Ted edges his way toward the door.

                                    TED

                                (continuing)

         You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to

         each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger.

                                   ANGELA

         You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you

         fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts

                       to stand by your convictions.

Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting
out of the room.

                                    TED

                  That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God.

Angela continues her tirade.

                                   ANGELA

         When I think of all the times you were inside me promising

                me a better life, it makes me want to puke.

Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest.

                                    TED

        Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people?

                                   ANGELA

          What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't

          have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.

The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest . . . his legs weaken.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (whimpering)

                           He's got a huge cock?

                                    TED

               She's lying again, mister. It's not that big.

                                  SIGFRIED

                               Show it to me.

                                    TED

      Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you?

                                   ANGELA

           Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby

                               with Ted here.

                                  SIGFRIED

                               Show it to me.

                                   ANGELA

                       Show him your cock, Theodore.

Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her.

                                  SIGFRIED

                  Stop talking about his cock, will you?!

                                   ANGELA

         It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could

           go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang,

          thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,

         cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool,

        Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee,

        wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-

              leg, third-leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick.

Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him
pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted
watches the man crumble.

                                   ANGELA

                                (continuing)

       Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie

           Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft,

         sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter,

           instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log,

                                   pole.

Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she
manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted
figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only
to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two
men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace.

                                  SIGFRIED

           Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on.

                                    TED

                       It's not me, mister, I swear.

                                  SIGFRIED

      Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to

            be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable.

Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of
Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

          No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father

       used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't

                            sink its teeth into.

                                    TED

                             That's beautiful.

                                  SIGFRIED

            Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted?

                                    TED

                               Yes, actually.

                                  SIGFRIED

        Things take on a whole new perspective . . . . You'd like my

                         trust, wouldn't you, Ted?

                                    TED

                                Yes I would.

                                  SIGFRIED

            I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go.

                                    TED

                                Okay. Okay.

                                  SIGFRIED

                           Tell me straight now.

                                    TED

                                   What?

                                  SIGFRIED

                             What was it like?

                                    TED

                            What was what like?

                                  SIGFRIED

                           You know, you and her.

                                    TED

          Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say?

                                  SIGFRIED

          Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her

                              again, Theodore?

                                    TED

              If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                  Promise?

                                    TED

                                 I promise.

Sigfried releases Ted and stands up.

                                  SIGFRIED

       You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it

        would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid.

         You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret

        will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the

      end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll

        have left are you secrets. And when you die, the box is open

       and it all blows away--dust to dust--all the anger, jealousy,

                      desire and love just blow away.

Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

           So you know what I say, let's call it a truce, kiddo.

Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open window. Ted is
overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice and follows him to the window
willingly. The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

            I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is all I live for.

                                    TED

                              I can see that.

                                  SIGFRIED

                             Maybe to a fault.

                                    TED

                      Don't beat yourself up over it.

                                  SIGFRIED

         That's nice of you to say, Ted, but I probably should make

         a clean break of it, cut her loose and get my own place. I

        just can't imagine living without her. Do you think I should

                          seek professional help?

                                    TED

        It's not for everyone, but maybe in your case it could help.

                                  SIGFRIED

                  You ever been out on the ocean at night?

Ted shakes his head.

                                  SIGFRIED

                                (continuing)

       I have . . . scary as a motherfucker, all that darkness around

       you. It's like a big black carpet rolled out as far as the eye

        can see. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll see a light. It

        could be as small as a little spark, but it will cut a path

       straight through all that blackness, straight to you. It could

        be another boat, or some distant fire on an island, but that

         light will shed a shining path of diamonds cutting through

       mile after mile of darkness to lie at your feet. That's love,

          Ted, it's like a path of light in an ocean of darkness.

Ted and Sigfried stare out of the window in peace, transfixed by the
glimmering lights of the city. A loud SHOT rings out, shattering the still
moment. The two men spin around. Angela stands there with a smoking gun
hanging at her side. Sigfried drops to his knees. Ted checks him out, no
blood. Angela has fired the gun into the floor below. Ted looks up at
Angela. Angela opens the chamber of the pistol and hands the bullets to
Ted.

                                   ANGELA

                                  (to Ted)

        You'd better go check to see if I killed anybody downstairs.

Sigfried is bent over, silently weeping on the floor.

                                    TED

                         You people gonna be okay?

Angela sits next to Sigfried and gently strokes his back.

                                   ANGELA

                              We're fine, Ted.

Ted points to a tray with half-eaten food on it.

                                    TED

                        Would you like me to . . . ?

                                   ANGELA

                             Another time, Ted.

Ted slowly walks toward the door and takes one last look at the strange
couple at rest in the corner of the room before closing the door behind
him.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY--MOMENTS LATER

Ted walks down the hallway, lost in thought. An energetic Young Guy with a
bouquet of flowers plows into him.

                                 YOUNG GUY

                           Happy New Year, buddy.

                                    TED

                              Happy New Year.

                                 YOUNG GUY

    I was just in room 404, what a party! You know where room 409 is at?

                                    TED

                   Beats me. It's somewhere around here.

The guy takes off in the direction Ted's walking from. Ted suddenly
realizes who this guy is and whips around, shouting to the Young Guy.

                                    TED

                                (continuing)

                           Hey, what's your name?

The door SLAMS on room 409.

FADE OUT

FADE TO BLACK

STORY TITLE CARD:

                                  room 716

                             "THE MISBEHAVERS"

FADE UP

THE FRONT DESK

SUPER: 10:30 p.m.

Ted is relaxing at the front desk. He breathes slowly. He finally has one
moment's peace after an already long night. He even has a chance to
straighten his tie.

The phone RINGS.

                                    TED

                                Front desk.

CUT TO:

ROOM 716

CLOSE-UP of a cigarette hanging out of a Man's mouth as he speaks into the
telephone.

                                    MAN

                      Bottle of Moet et Chandon. Fast.

Man hangs up the phone and stubs out his cigarette into an already
overstuffed ashtray by the bed. Man turns around to face the camera. He is
a dark and handsome Latin male in his mid-30s. Dangerous. Impatient.

He walks toward the camera as he continues straightening his tie.

He stops at the door of the bathroom and watches his Wife and two kids get
ready for the party. Wife seems to be a beautiful woman in her mid-30s. The
children are Sarah, nine, and Juancho, six.

Man strikes up another cigarette and finishes his tie.

He watches his Wife comb Juancho's hair down and to the side like an idiot.

Not being able to stand it anymore, Man tears Juancho away from his Wife
and snatches the comb.

                                    MAN

                             Give me that . . .

Man begins to slick Juancho's hair back.

                                    MAN

        There . . . see? You look cool with your hair up like this.

                              Like me . . . .

Juancho is smiling now. He's happy he's going to look like his dad.

                                    MAN

        Not down and to the side, all stupid like your mom likes to

                                  comb it.

Juancho looks over at Sarah, who is going through the tortuous ritual of
having her mother brush the tangles out of her long, unmanageable hair.

Wife seems to be taking out her aggressions on the tangled mess.

Man is starting to have problems of his own with Juancho's hair. Juancho's
hair is thinner than Man's, so it won't stay up.

Man puts down his cigarette in order to get a better handle on it. We see
the frustration growing in his face.

Juancho picks up the cigarette and pretends he's smoking too, just like his
dad.

Man tears the cigarette away from Juancho and smokes it down to the filter.
He looks at his own cool hair, and then down at Juancho's, which won't stay
up.

Man flicks the cigarette butt into the toilet in frustration.

                                    MAN

                       You've got your mother's hair.

In anger, Man starts messing up Juancho's hair.

                                    MAN

                        I can't do anything with it.

Furious, Man simply swipes Juancho's hair back down and to the side, the
way Wife had it before. Juancho looks like an idiot again.

                                    MAN

                                 There. Go.

Juancho slouches past everyone as he exits the bathroom.

Sarah watches him leave as her own hair is finished.

                                    WIFE

                  (putting a plastic clip in Sarah's hair)

                                 There. Go.

Sarah exits.

Wife then finishes her own gorgeous hair. Man lights up a new cigarette.

                                    WIFE

                                 (mocking)

                     So, are we gonna have fun tonight?

Man blows smoke in Wife's face as he walks out of the bathroom.

                                    WIFE

                             I didn't think so.

Sarah has joined Juancho in watching television.

Man watches the children watch TV. We can see the wheels turning in Man's
head.

He turns back to the bathroom.

He watches Wife now. Wheels turning. Practically burning rubber.

                                    MAN

                                    Hey.

Wife puts the lipstick down and turns to her husband. She is beautiful.

                                    MAN

                                  (shrugs)

                      Let's just leave the kids here.

Wife glances out at the children, eyes glued to the tube.

                                    WIFE

                      Here in the room? By themselves?

                                    MAN

                       No . . . with the television.

Wife thinks about it for a second. She shrugs a "sure."

                                    MAN

                  You want to have fun tonight, don't you?

                                    WIFE

                                    Yes.

                                    MAN

                              They'll be fine.

He kisses Wife's face and exits the bathroom. She covers the wet spot with
more cake makeup.

                                    MAN

                                    Hey.

The children turn to face him.

                                    MAN

               You guys are going to stay here and watch TV.

The children look at each other.

                                    MAN

         I want you to be in bed asleep before twelve. Your mother

                        and I will be back later on.

Wife goes straight for the door.

                                    MAN

                                   Okay?

He blows one kiss. One for both of them.

As Man and his Wife walk out the door, Man turns back to the children . . .
.

                                    MAN

                              Don't misbehave.

He closes the door.

Sarah stands in the middle of the room. She's looking at the door Man and
Wife just disappeared through. Stunned.

Her dress looks frilly and beautifully uncomfortable. She touches the edges
of the fabric.

                                   SARAH

         Why did we have to get all dressed up if we weren't going

                                 with them?

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY

Man and Wife are walking down the hall.

Man stops in his tracks. Wife stops too and looks at Man. They wait.

CUT TO:

ROOM 716

Juancho shuts off the television. He drops the remote to the floor. His
attention is on the fireworks outside. He leaps to the window and begins
unlatching it.

                                   SARAH

                            What are you doing?

                                  JUANCHO

                     Escaping. Stinks in here, anyway.

Man bursts through the door of the hotel room and stands in the doorway,
glaring at the mischievous Juancho.

Juancho bangs his head on the window trying to get back inside. He leaps to
the floor and tries to turn on the TV with the remote.

                                    MAN

                                  (stern)

                              What did I say?

Juancho turns to Man as if he'd been sitting there watching television the
whole time.

                                    MAN

                                  Behave.

                                  JUANCHO

                                 Yes, Papa.

Ted appears at the door with Man's champagne.

                                    TED

                      The champagne you ordered, sir.

                                    MAN

                     No time for this. Leave it on ice.

Ted proceeds to place the champagne in the room.

                                    WIFE

                         But I want some now . . .

Ted is torn. Man pushes him into the room.

                                    MAN

        There'll be plenty for you and the party, baby, you can bomb

                    yourself all you want at the party.

                                    WIFE

                               What a waste.

Ted places the bucket near the bed. After setting up the bottle, he turns
to leave, but now Man closes the door, trapping Ted inside with them.

                                    MAN

                                  (to Ted)

                                    Hey.

Ted looks around, bewildered. Now what?

Man is reaching into his coat pocket.

                                    MAN

                        You want five hundred bucks?

                                    TED

                                   Sure!

Man hesitates a moment, then pulls out his wallet. That was too easy.

                                    MAN

                              How about three?

                                    TED

                               Three hundred?

                                    MAN

                                   Yeah.

                                    TED

                               Three's good.

                                    MAN

          My children are staying here tonight watching TV. I want

               you to check up on them every thirty minutes.

                                    TED

                              Check up on 'em?

                                    MAN

          Make sure they're all right, make sure they're fed, make

                            sure they go to bed.

                                    TED

                   We can call out and hire a babysitter.

                                    MAN

        I don't trust babysitters. My children are safer alone than

           with some fucked-up pedophile babysitter I don't know

                     from the man in the fucking moon.

                                    WIFE

          What about him? What makes you think you can trust him?

Man grabs Ted's face and tilts it torward Wife.

                                    MAN

                  Tell me that's not a face you can trust.

Man lets go of Ted's face. He feels his jaw. It's still there.

                                    TED

      Look, sir, I'd like to help you out, but I really can't. I'm all

                            alone here tonight.

Man whips out his wallet and counts out money in Ted's face.

                                    MAN

          One hundred . . . two hundred . . . three hundred . . .

                                    TED

                      I thought you said five hundred.

Man glares at Ted.

                                    MAN

                           I said three hundred.

Ted doesn't back down.

                                    TED

                   No, you distinctly said five hundred.

The angrier Man gets, the quieter he talks.

                                    MAN

                           You calling me a liar?

Ted, while not backing down, massages the situation.

                                    TED

        No, I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying you accidentally

             forgot that what you first said was five hundred.

Man has never been challenged like this by a fuckin' bellboy.

                                    MAN

       I don't do anything accidentally, jerk. I might've first said

         five hundred, but what I last said was three hundred, and

                     what you say last is what counts.

Ted not only doesn't back down, but psychologically pokes his finger in the
scary Man's chest.

                                    TED

      Well then, if you say five hundred one last time, we got a deal.

Man's eyes narrow. He physically pokes his finger in Ted's chest.

                                    MAN

                       You fuckin' with me, Pendejo?

Now Ted takes a step backwards.

                                    TED

         No, not at all. It's New Year's Eve and I'm here alone. If

        there was somebody else here, no problem, but I'm by myself.

      And looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need--

                                    MAN

                   You callin' my kids a pain in the ass?

                                    TED

       --No, they're not a pain in the ass, it's the situation that's

                             a pain in the ass.

Man drops the tenseness.

                                    MAN

    No, you were right the first time. You win, tough guy, five hundred.

Man respects Ted for not backing down, but not insulting him either. A
skill Man never learned. Wife shoots a look at the children.

                                    WIFE

                                (disgusted)

                      You kids are getting expensive.

Juancho turns back to the TV.

Sarah stares down Wife.

                                    MAN

                           (looking at name tag)

                           What's your name? Ted?

CLOSE-UP of name tag.

                                    TED

                              Yeah. It's Ted.

Man tears off Ted's name tag and throws it to children.

                                    MAN

                             (to the children)

       His name is Ted. If you need anything, dial 0 and ask for Ted.

Sarah catches the name tag and reads the name on it: "TED--BELLHOP."

Sarah looks up at Ted. She clips the pin to her dress and smiles shyly at
him.

Man puts the money in Ted's pocket and then grabs his ear, pulling him
close.

                                    MAN

                              (deadly whisper)

      If something happens to my children, I wouldn't want to be you.

                                    WIFE

                 Make sure they're in bed before midnight.

                                    TED

                                 (thinking)

            Before midnight? Then should I wake them up for the

                         countdown to the New Year?

Wife looks disgusted.

                                    WIFE

                                  No . . .

As Man and Wife exit, he turns to the kids and says:

                                    MAN

                              Don't misbehave.

Man closes the door.

INT. HALLWAY

Man and Wife book it down the hall before Ted can change his mind.

ROOM 716

Ted is standing facing the door the Man and Wife just disappeared through.
He turns around slowly to face the children.

His eyes are wide. His face is quiet. Stern.

The children are staring at him.

                                    TED

        Okay. These are the rules. Don't break the rules and I won't

                             break your necks.

The kids look at each other.

                                    TED

                                 (smiling)

         I always wanted to say that. Someone said that to me when

                                I was a kid.

Sarah laughs at his joke.

                                    TED

                     Except they were joking. I'm not.

Ted goes to the door.

                                    TED

         The rules are simple. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if

        your parents were here. If there's an emergency, call me on

                       the phone, like your dad said.

                                   SARAH

                          That's not what he said.

Ted's surprised by a challenge this early in the game.

                                   SARAH

                    He said to call if we need anything.

                                    TED

      Well, I've got a lot of work to do and I can't have you calling

          me every time you want a drink of water, so please limit

                      your calls to emergencies only.

                                   SARAH

        We paid you five hundred dollars. We'll call you if we need

                 anything. You don't want to upset my dad.

                                    TED

          Okay. Please. Try to call only when necessary. Watch TV,

       and if you're good, I'll bring up some milk and cookies. Bye.

Ted leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY

Ted walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole way.

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM 716

Juancho takes off his socks and shoes and throws them onto the floor. Sarah
looks at the discarded shoes and socks.

CLOSE ON the shoes and socks.

Sarah looks over at Juancho's bare feet. Her nose twitches.

                                   SARAH

                              Your feet stink.

Juancho smells his feet.

                                  JUANCHO

                             They don't stink.

Sarah throws his shoes and socks behind her. They land on the bed.

Juancho is flipping channels and finds an interesting show.

                                  JUANCHO

                            Check it out. T & A.

Sarah realizes he found a Nudie station.

                                   SARAH

               Change it. You're not supposed to watch this.

                                  JUANCHO

                        We're supposed to watch TV.

                                   SARAH

                      Not this kind of TV. Change it.

Juancho rolls up in a ball, the remote tucked in some recess of his
stomach.

Sarah hits him, then goes to the phone. She punches 0, sits on the bed, and
checks the name on the name tag pinned to her shirt.

CUT TO:

FRONT DESK

Ted walks up to the front desk just as the phone rings.

                                    TED

                                Front desk.

INT. ROOM 716

Sarah is taking off her white winter tights.

                                   SARAH

          Ted? Hi. It's me, Sarah. You're our sitter for tonight.

                                    TED

       Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? I said if you don't bother me,

     you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not?

                                   SARAH

           I want you to turn off the Nudie station in our room.

Ted checks the computer.

                                    TED

                        (reading stats on room 716)

          I can't turn on an adult station without permission from

                               your parents.

                                   SARAH

                                    No.

                      (struggling with winter tights)

               Not turn it on, turn it off. It's already on.

                                    TED

                   That's not what the machine tells me.

                                   SARAH

           Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me.

         There's naked ladies dancing on my TV and I want 'em off.

                                    TED

          If you're good, you'll get milk and cookies, so leave me

         alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep.

He hangs up.

ROOM 716

Angry, Sarah slams down the phone. She has an unusually adult temper. We
know where she gets it from. She looks up and sees that the nudies are
still in full force.

                                   SARAH

                          Change the channel, now!

Juancho turns around. He has a face like someone just laid a fart in his
nose.

                                  JUANCHO

                 Man, you're the one with the stinky feet.

Sarah smells her feet. Twice.

                                   SARAH

                             They don't stink.

                                  JUANCHO

                               Yeah, they do.

                                   SARAH

                         Here, smell for yourself.

She sticks her foot out for Juancho to smell. He's reluctant. Fearful.

                                   SARAH

                                 Go ahead.

He slowly, very slowly . . . climbs onto the bed and lowers his head to her
foot. Very slowly.

Sarah waits until he's close enough to her foot before she kicks him in the
face, sending him somersaulting off the bed and crashing to the floor.

She grabs the remote control he left behind and changes the channel to a
cartoon.

Juancho gets up and realizes his defeat. He decides to wander about.
Looking for something to do . . .

Sarah tries to ignore him as he stalks the room. It's only a matter of time
before he finds mischief.

Juancho sees the champagne bucket and Bingo!, he goes for the bottle.

                                  JUANCHO

                          (holding up the bottle)

                         Hey, get a bottle opener!

Sarah opens her mouth, as if about to tell him to leave the champagne
alone. She stops herself when she realizes she wants some champagne too.

She quickly scrambles about for a bottle opener while Juancho unwraps the
bottle top.

Sarah opens the dresser drawer with such force that a few hidden contents
long forgotten in the back of the drawer slide forward.

Some coins, a paperclip, and a hypodermic needle. She looks down at the
needle that lays beside the Gideon Bible and casually picks the phone back
up and punches 0. The phone rings.

FRONT DESK

Ted, bucket of ice in his hand, gets ready to go to room 404. As he crosses
the desk, the phone rings. He looks at the board and see room 716's light
blinking. He sighs in exasperation.

INT. ROOM 716

Sarah sees Juancho shaking the champagne bottle violently.

                                   SARAH

                              Don't shake it!

                                (into phone)

                          Ted? Hi. It's me. Sarah.

                                    TED

                Yeah. Who died? No one? Then don't call me.

                                   SARAH

         I thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing

        a bum job. There's all kinds of leftover stuff around here.

Sarah picks up the needle and rolls it over in her hand several times.

                                   SARAH

           Needles and things. We're not supposed to have needles

          here, are we? I mean, they don't come with the room, do

          they? Send someone up here to clean this place up right.

The champagne bottle explodes all over Juancho. He looks surprised.

                                   SARAH

                                (to Juancho)

                        I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHAKE IT!

                                  (to Ted)

        I gotta go. My brother just exploded the champagne all over

            the room. Oh, and bring us a couple of toothbrushes.

         There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring free

                      toothbrushes if we ask for them.

She hangs up.

A frustrated Ted hangs up the phone. He walks briskly to the elevator.

Sarah and Juancho are pouring themselves champagne. They turn up the
television and drink. Juancho shudders at the taste, but tries to drink as
much as Sarah.

Sarah clearly doesn't like it, but tries to pretend she does.

Sarah picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how to make
room-to-room calls.

                                   SARAH

              I'm calling another room, give me three numbers.

                                  JUANCHO

                                   4-0-9.

Sarah punches in the room number. The phone rings.

She holds the needle up to the light to examine it.

                                   SARAH

          Hello? Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but

         . . . do you have any needles? We've got needles here and

          I was wondering if they come with the room or not. Don't

                      have any? Thanks. Just checking.

She hangs up.

Juancho puts down his champagne glass and searches his father's coat
pocket. He finds a pack of cigarettes and takes one out. He puts it in his
mouth and pretends to smoke.

Sarah checks out the hypodermic needle carefully. She has an idea.

MONTAGE:

In the bathroom, Sarah seeks out her mother's lipstick.

ROOM 716

Sarah stands atop the chest of drawers and uses the lipstick to draw a
bull's-eye on one of the hotel art paintings. She writes numbers next to
each circle representing points.

Juancho is standing at the foot of the bed, cigarette hanging out of his
mouth, as he practices his dart-throwing technique.

                                   SARAH

                          (pointing out the rules)

          The center is the bull's eye, 100 points, this one's 10

                       points, this one's 20 points.

WHACK! The needle lands an inch from her face in the 20-point slot.

                                   SARAH

               Hey, wait a minute. Let me get out of the way!

Sarah, a little tipsy now, grabs the needle and staggers to the bed. She
hears the key in the doorway and throws the needle into the curtain to hide
it.

Ted enters the room, somewhat disheveled from his encounter with Sigfried.
He has a tray and a new bottle of champagne.

He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. He spots the original
bottle lying on the floor half empty and dripping into the carpet.

                                    TED

         I brought you some milk and cookies. If you want some you

            have to eat them now, because you're going to sleep.

                                   SARAH

                         We're going to sleep now?

                                    TED

        Your parents said put you to bed before midnight. Well, it's

           before midnight. Maybe that way you'll leave me alone.

                                   SARAH

                       Those aren't milk and cookies.

                                    TED

        We were out of cookies, so I brought you milk and Saltines.

         Don't complain! Now hurry up and eat. You're going to bed

                                 right now.

Juancho bites into a Saltine. Sarah simply examines one.

                                  JUANCHO

                               These are old.

                                   SARAH

                               They're stale.

                                    TED

                                (impatient)

             Dip 'em in the milk! The milk will make them soft.

Sarah gives up and throws the cracker back onto the tray. She's a little
drunk.

Ted picks up the ruined champagne bottle.

Juancho dips his crackers and eats them. He makes a face and drops a soggy
cracker onto the tray.

                                    TED

          No crackers? Okay, fine. Sleepy time. Now, I don't want

           you guys wandering around, so if you need to go to the

                             restroom, go now.

They go to the bathroom. Ted sits on the bed. Waits.

He sees the painting on the wall but can't figure out what's different
about it. The red lipstick blends right into the aesthetic value of the
painting.

Ted smells something funny. He looks down and sees the socks on the bed. He
grabs a fork from the tray and uses it to throw the socks across the room.

The kids come back out.

                                  JUANCHO

                          What about our pajamas?

                                    TED

             You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake,

                                 don'tcha?

The children nod.

                                    TED

                     Okay. Then stay in those clothes.

The kids lie on the bed.

Sarah notices a jar of Mentholatum ointment on the dinner tray.

                                   SARAH

                                What's that?

                                    TED

            Oh, this is just some Mentholatum ointment. Come on,

        under the covers. Close your eyes and I'll tell you a story.

The children close their eyes. Ted opens the jar of the ointment and sniffs
it. Strong stuff by the look on his face.

                                    TED

         Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. I don't blame

              him. You know what my babysitter did to me once?

                                (confiding)

                      I never told my parents, either.

The children lie in the bed, eyes closed, listening intently.

Tep dips his fingers in the jar of vaporous ointment.

                                    TED

          I hated going to sleep. You know, it's nighttime and you

           wanna run around and act crazy. So what my babysitter

         did to make sure I'd go to sleep and not be tempted to get

         up, was, she'd take some of this vapor rub stuff . . . Can

                              you smell this?

Eyes closed, the kids inhale. They smell the ointment and nod yes.

                                    TED

      Well, she'd just dab a little of this over each eyelid, so that

             I would be sure and keep my eyes closed all night.

Ted is spreading the ointment over their eyelids as he says this.

                                    TED

          There. Now you've got some, too! Don't open your eyes or

        it'll burrrn, burn, burn. The smell helps clear your sinuses

                      too, so it's doing double duty.

                                  JUANCHO

                      What happens when it's morning?

                                    TED

        If you keep your eyes closed all night, it will wear off by

                  morning. But DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE

                                THAT . . . .

                                   SARAH

                        Did you ever open your eyes?

Extreme CLOSE-UP on Ted's eyes.

                                    TED

                              Yes . . . I did.

The children are quiet.

                                    TED

                            And now look at me.

                                  CHILDREN

                                (in unison)

                                 We can't.

                                    TED

        Good. You'll do just fine. Sleep well and I won't tell your

                        parents about the champagne.

Ted leaves.

CUT TO:

AFTER A MOMENT OF DARKNESS

After a moment of darkness, the night is disturbed by the loud crashing of
fireworks outside the window.

Sarah sits up, eyes closed. Her face feels the warmth coming from the
window and she tilts her head toward it.

The light of the fireworks dances its reflections off her face.

She inhales deeply . . . then makes a sour face. She goes for the bathroom,
arms outstretched like a blind girl. She gets to the bathroom, turns on the
light, and searches for the sink.

She begins to wash the ointment off her eyes very carefully. She dries her
eyes thoroughly and opens them . . . checks them in the mirror. A little
red, but otherwise fine.

She goes back into the bedroom, turns on the television and grabs the new
champagne bottle. She shakes it violently.

Juancho wakes. He turns his head to her. His eyes are still closed.

                                  JUANCHO

                            Are you watching TV?

The champagne bottle explodes. She pours herself a glass.

                                   SARAH

        Yep. If you wanna watch too, you have to go wash your face.

Juancho gets up smiling and tries to run to the bathroom. He slams into the
wall, hard.

                                   SARAH

                              Be careful . . .

Juancho walks into the bathroom a little slower, more cautious.

Sarah pours herself another glass. She downs the glass and shudders.

She smells the bad smell again. Only now she really smells it.

She smells her feet. Nothing. She smells the champagne. Nothing.

Juancho enters the room and sits on the bed. Sarah grabs his foot and
smells it. She drops his foot.

Juancho stares blankly at her.

Sarah looks down at the mattress. She smells the mattress.

Juancho looks at her as if she's drunk.

Sarah leaps off the bed and turns on the room lights. She takes a huge swig
from the champagne bottle, then stalks toward the mattress.

Juancho leaps off the bed as well and stands back.

Sarah pulls the mattress off of the bedsprings enough to see what is
underneath it.

Juancho screams. Sarah is too stunned to scream. Stuffed into the
bedsprings is a woman's dead and beaten corpse.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON

Ted's phone ringing.

Ted looks at the phone as if pondering whether or not to answer it. He taps
his fingers. Finally he answers the phone.

ROOM 716

                                   SARAH

                                    Ted!

                                    TED

             What do you want now, for Christ's sake! Who died?

                                   SARAH

                                (near tears)

                     I don't know, but she's in my bed!

                                    TED

                                   What?

                                   SARAH

                       There's a dead body in my bed!

                                    TED

                  That's just your brother. Sound asleep.

                                   SARAH

      No, there's a woman's dead body inside the bed, in the mattress.

                                    TED

                             You saw the body?

                                   SARAH

                                    Yes!

                                    TED

        Impossible. You've got ointment on your eyes! You can't see

                           shit! Now go to sleep!

Ted hangs up the phone.

Sarah redials.

Ted answers.

                                    TED

                           Godammit, go to sleep!

                                   SARAH

                                (crying now)

                           I washed it off . . .

                                    TED

                        You washed off the ointment?

                                   SARAH

                              (pissed, drunk)

                  Yeah, didn't you ever think to do that?

Ted is quiet on the line. Thinking.

Juancho lights up a cigarette for real and takes nervous puffs.

Sarah carries the phone over to Juancho and snatches the cigarette away
from him. She stuffs it in her own mouth and nervously takes a long drag on
it.

                                   SARAH

                            (through cigarette)

          You never tried it, did you? Then you agree I'm smarter

                               than you . . .

                                    TED

                   All right. Now you listen to me . . .

                                   SARAH

        Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a

          dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks

         even worse, and if you don't help us, my dad is gonna lay

            you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God!

She drinks from her champagne bottle. She's pulling the mattress back over
the corpse again.

                                  JUANCHO

                                  Go, sis.

She's drunk all right.

                                    TED

                                 (incensed)

          I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time

                  I get there, I'll make one myself. You!

FRONT DESK

Ted slams down the phone.

As he walks away from the counter, he spots the children's parents driving
up to the valet out front.

                                    TED

                                  Oh shit!

Ted breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator.

CUT TO:

ROOM 716

Sarah continues to cover the body with the mattress.

ELEVATOR

Close on Ted's face as the elevator car races up seven floors.

LOBBY

The Man is carrying his drunk Wife through the lobby. Not happy.

ROOM 716

Ted bursts into the room. He sees the disarray.

Ted pushes the champagne out of Sarah's hand, spilling it onto the floor.

                                    TED

                       What the fuck is going on??!!

He sees Juancho with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and rips it
away from him. The butt goes flying onto the carpet near the spreading
champagne spill.

                                    TED

            Your parents are on their way up and I'm not taking

                       responsibility for this mess!

                                   SARAH

                         Check under the mattress!

                                    TED

                                 For what?

                                   SARAH

                                  (crying)

                     For the body, can't you smell it?

                                    TED

                              It's your feet!

Sarah grabs the mattress and pulls it off herself.

Ted sees the rotting corpse.

Vomit spews out of Ted's mouth.

                                    TED

                    (gurgles through vomit-spewing lips)

                Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is this?

He tears at the phone.

                                    TED

                              (into the phone)

                         Police, it's an emergency!

                                  (pause)

        Hello, Police, this is the Mon Signor Hotel, get someone up

            here right fucking now, there's a DEAD WHORE stuffed

                            under the mattress!

Tears well in Sarah's eyes as she looks at the body.

                                   SARAH

                         Don't call her that . . .

                                    TED

                              (into the phone)

           I'm dead fucking serious, there's a dead fucking Whore

               stuffed in the bedsprings of the fucking bed!

                                   SARAH

                          Stop calling her that!!

Sarah grabs the hypodermic needle from under the curtain and stabs it into
Ted's leg.

                                    TED

                                   FUCK!!

Sarah steps back, almost tripping over the champagne bottle. She picks up
the bottle and holds it defensively in case Ted tries to retaliate. Ted
spins around, now noticing the needle sticking out of his leg.

                                    TED

                                  Jesus!!

Juancho lights up another cigarette.

The champagne spill has spread to the fallen cigarette butt. The carpet
bursts into flames around the spill.

CUT OUTSIDE TO:

EXT. ROOM 716

CLOSE ON a key going into the keyhole outside.

BACK TO:

ROOM 716

Ted tries to pull the syringe out of his leg, but yanking it makes it break
in two, the plunger in his hand, and the needle still stuck in his leg.

Ted staggers and grabs hold of the dead woman's foot for support as he
steps on the remote control, flipping the TV on to the Nudie channel, just
as . . .

Man opens the door.

Man stands at the door, drunk Wife unconscious on one arm, the door knob in
the other hand. He's looking mean.

Man's POV: focused on the dead woman in the bedsprings. We pan up the dead
woman's leg to find Ted holding her foot. We pan down Ted's leg to find the
hypodermic needle jutting out . . . then pan over to the other hand holding
the broken syringe plunger.

We pan over to the Nudie channel, then down to the fire blazing behind the
children. Pan up to the dripping champagne bottle in Sarah's hand, then
over to the cigarette hanging out of Juancho's mouth. Juancho tosses his
cigarette out of his mouth to an area behind him. Another blaze starts
immediately.

Man drops his Wife to the floor.

In the WIDE SHOT of Ted and the children, we see that the fireworks are
bursting big and bright outside the window behind them. Almost as bright as
the flames eating through the room.

Man simply glares at Ted. Finally Man speaks . . .

                                    MAN

                            Did they misbehave?

Ted stares blankly at Man (the camera) as the sprinklers burst on . . .
drenching the room as the picture

FADES TO BLACK

                                 four rooms

FADE UP ON

INT. HOTEL LOBBY--NIGHT

SUPER: ONE MINUTE AFTER ROBERT'S STORY. TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE DAWN.

The elevator rides down to the lobby. The doors open and a wet, disheveled,
and frantic Ted steps out.

He staggers across the lobby to the reception desk. He grabs the phone.

INT. BETTY'S APT--ALMOST DAWN

The wild New Year's Eve party is winding down. Some Guests are passed out,
some are asleep, some are making out, two guys are playing Nintendo, a Girl
watches them. The phone RINGS. The Girl, who wears a "Guinness Stout"
T-shirt, answers the phone.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                              Happy New Year!

BACK TO TED: BACK AND FORTH

                                    TED

                           Let me speak to Betty.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                   Party's over, she probably went home.

                                    TED

                              She lives there.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                  Oh, well, I haven't seen 'em in a while.

                                    TED

                  Do you even know who I'm talking about?

                               GUINNESS GIRL

         Yeah . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . I know 'em, I know Eddy.

                                    TED

                              Betty, not Eddy.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

          Yeah . . . yeah . . . I know Betty too . . . Tall . . .

                                    TED

              No, not particularly. She's got curly red hair.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

             No, no, no, no, no, I know, I know. Japanese girl.

                                    TED

             She's not Japanese! I just said she had red hair.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                Yeah . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . I know her.

                                    TED

            Well, then get her on the phone, it's an emergency.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                      Who--who should I say's calling?

                                    TED

            Tell 'em Teddy from work's on the phone, and it's a

                          major fuckin' emergency.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

                          Gotcha, Betty from work.

                                    TED

             Not Betty from work, I'm calling Betty! I'm Teddy.

                               Just say Ted.

                               GUINNESS GIRL

          Hi, Ted, I'm Margaret. You sound down. Has this not been

                        the happiest of New Year's?

                                    TED

                (resigning himself to talking with Margaret)

            No Margaret, this hasn't been my best New Year. This

                     year's starting off pretty badly.

                                  MARGARET

                              Awww, how come?

                                    TED

         Well, Betty--the chick whose house you're at, even though

          you don't know her--leaves me here all by myself on New

        Year's Eve. And first thing right off the bat, I'm fucked by

                            a coven of witches.

                                  MARGARET

       An oven full of witches fucked you? Is that like at the circus

           when they stick all those clowns in an itty-bitty car?

                                    TED

        A coven. A coven of witches. Well, one witch in particular.

                                  MARGARET

        Was she an old hag with a mole, with hair growing out of it?

                                    TED

                  No-no-no, she was . . . quite beautiful.

Margaret thinks for a moment.

                                  MARGARET

                                    Ted?

                                    TED

                                    Yes.

                                  MARGARET

                            What's the problem?

                                    TED

       Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the night. It was

        pretty fuckin' cool, actually. But it was still an unnerving

                        way to start off the night.

                                  MARGARET

        Sounds to me like a pretty great way to start off the night.

                                    TED

                  Okay, let's just skip over the witches.

                                  MARGARET

                        --Skipping over the witches.

                                    TED

           So, later, in another room, some crazy sucking maniac

           sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some

                     psychosexual drama with his wife.

                                  MARGARET

                 He made you have psycho sex with his wife?

                                    TED

         No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked

            his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun!

                                  MARGARET

                              What kinda gun?

                                    TED

                I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big.

                                  MARGARET

                          Like Dirty Harry's gun.

                                    TED

                         Yeah, something like that.

                                  MARGARET

             Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?

                                    TED

                       What difference does it make?

                                  MARGARET

           Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44

                         Magnum and a Magnum .357.

                                    TED

        Who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, it was a fuckin' loaded

                      gun, pointed at my fuckin' head!

Margaret takes this in.

                                  MARGARET

                    You wanna skip over this part, too?

                                    TED

                   I want you to get Betty on the phone!

                                  MARGARET

                                  Hold on.

                           (yelling to the room)

                       Anybody live here named . . .

                                  (to Ted)

                           What's her name again?

                                    TED

                                   Betty.

                                  MARGARET

                                   Betty!

The sleepy room stirs. Betty wakes up from the floor.

                                   BETTY

                       Yeah, whatcha screamin' about?

                                  MARGARET

                               You're Betty?

                                   BETTY

       Yeah, I'm Betty, it's my fuckin' place, who the fuck are you?

                                  MARGARET

                                I'm Margaret

                           (hands her the phone)

                              And this is Ted.

Betty takes the phone.

                                   BETTY

                          Ted, what's the problem?

                                    TED

          What's the problem? I don't got a problem, I got fuckin'

                           problems! Wanna hear?

                                   BETTY

                   (yawning, wiping sleep from her eyes)

                                   Sure.

                                    TED

       Well, most recently, there's room 716. There's a scary Mexican

     gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan

    kids snapping their fingers at me. There's the putrid rotting corpse

      of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of a bed. There're rooms

     blazing afire . . . . There's a needle from God knows where stuck

     in my leg, infecting me with God knows what, and finally, there's

         me walking out the fuckin' door right now! Buenas noches.

A RINGING SOUND happens that we haven't heard before. Ted's head turns
toward it.

It's the guest board. And the top light, the penthouse, is ringing. It
rings where all the others buzzed.

Betty can hear it distinctly on her side of the line. The sound fully wakes
her up. They start talking Howard Hawks style again.

                                   BETTY

                              (suddenly alert)

                           Is that the penthouse?

                                    TED

                                   Yeah.

                                   BETTY

            That's the Chester Rush party, they want something.

                                    TED

          Yeah, well, tough tity. They're just gonna have to wait,

                          'cause I'm out the door.

                                   BETTY

                                (panicking)

           Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked, I know

               you're stressed. You've had a real bad night--

                                    TED

                  Yes, Betty, I've had-a-real-bad-night--

                                   BETTY

                  --You say there's a dead body in a room?

                                    TED

                                Yes, I did.

                                   BETTY

         No problem, this is a hotel, we've had dead bodies before,

       it's just the price of doing business. You said the hotel was

                       on fire. Is it still on fire?

                                    TED

                               No, it's out.

                                   BETTY

            Good, sprinkler system worked like a charm. Now, you

         wanna leave, you've had enough. Perfectly understandable.

      I'll take care of everything else. The only thing I ask is that

             you take care of Chester Rush. Then you can leave.

                                    TED

                                Now, look--

                                   BETTY

       Ted, he's a very important guest of this hotel. In fact, he is

         the most important guest at the hotel. The Mon Signor used

      to be a haven for movie stars. Through the thirties and forties,

     and the first half of the fifties, more movie stars--if you break

        it down on a night-by-night basis--stayed at the Mon Signor

          than any other hotel in Hollywood. Now, we had some hard

        time in the eighties, even though we were the official hotel

          of Cannon Pictures, but we're coming back strong in the

         nineties. And a movie star clientele is important to that

           comeback. If we can keep stars of his magnitude happy,

           we're on our way. So, Ted, just take care of him, then

                               you can leave.

                                    TED

                         Look, I don't feel like--

                                   BETTY

          He probably just wants some champagne! You can do that,

      can't you? Please just take care of him, the entire staff of the

                         Mon Signor is begging you!

Ted crumbles.

                                    TED

                    Okay. But get your ass here pronto.

                                   BETTY

                      You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.

Ted hangs up the phone. And picks up the board phone.

                                    TED

         Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. How can I help you?

FADE TO BLACK

STORY TITLE CARD:

                               the penthouse

                          "THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD"

EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the hallway.

There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit less
disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly successful in the
attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, his hair looks tousled, and he
walks with a limp.

He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at the door.

A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story.

                                   ANGELA

                               Hi, Theodore.

                                    TED

                     What the hell are you doing here?

She holds up the drink she has in her hand.

                                   ANGELA

                              Having a drink.

                                    TED

                  Is that crazy husband of yours in there?

                                   ANGELA

              Are you kidding, he'll be asleep till Christmas.

From behind her we hear:

                                 VOICE (OS)

                              Entrez, entrez.

Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray.

INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the house. And
standing in the middle of the biggest room in the hotel is the hottest,
newest comedy star to burst onto the Hollywood scene in nearly a decade:
Chester Rush. At this moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger
of a new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of the
stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." Surrounding him is his
entourage. They all look like once upon a time this evening they were
dressed sharp; however, at this late hour, everybody looks about as
disheveled as Ted.

One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair with his leg
thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand.

The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back and forth on
the telephone. He is completely oblivious to the rest of the room's
activity.

In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, which he
constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the room are the leftovers:
pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne.

                                  CHESTER

                              (still sitting)

                     Entrez, entrez, come in, come in.

                                    TED

                           (wheeling in the tray)

       Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got everything you asked for--

                                  CHESTER

                  --Not a problem, my friend Mr. Bellboy.

                                   ANGELA

                             (closing the door)

                            His name's Theodore.

                                    TED

                        Actually, it's not Theodore,

                        (he throws a look at Angela)

                                 It's Ted.

Chester rises from the couch.

                                  CHESTER

          So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying--would you care for

          some champagne? That's not what I was saying, but would

                        you care for some champagne?

                                    TED

                               No, thank you.

                                  CHESTER

          Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I never liked champagne

                    before I had Cristal, now I love it.

                                    TED

                             Okay, yeah, sure.

As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass:

                                  CHESTER

         --As I was saying, Ted, don't worry about being late. For

            our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness.

On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass.

                                  CHESTER

                                 Chin-chin.

They clink glasses and drink.

                                  CHESTER

                              Whadya say, Ted?

                                    TED

                                 Thank you?

                                  CHESTER

          No, not thank you. Whadya say about the tasty beverage?

                                    TED

                                 It's good.

                                  CHESTER

      Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. Let's try it again, shall

               we? So, Ted, whadya think about the beverage.

                                    TED

                             It's fuckin' good.

                                  CHESTER

            You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's fuckin' Cristal,

                          everything else is piss.

Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted.

                                   NORMAN

                         Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy!

Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why.

                                  CHESTER

                                (to Norman)

           Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy.

                                  (to Ted)

        Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just fuckin' wit'

         ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself,

      when I think of bellboys I think of--"bellboy" isn't an insult,

           is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm

                     ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson--

                                    TED

                              Bellboy's fine.

                                  CHESTER

            Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a

           friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when

           Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia.

         But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy,

               with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy?

                                    TED

                                    No.

                                  CHESTER

        You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says

      a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance.

       How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France

      to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The

        minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country

       gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right.

       It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise

           anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be

          right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair.

                                    TED

                          Where do you want this?

                                  CHESTER

                            You in a hurry, Ted?

                                    TED

              (he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star)

                           No, not particularly.

                                  CHESTER

            Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me

                        introduce you to everybody.

He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room.

Angela crosses frame, drink in hand.

                                  CHESTER

             Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be

                              acquainted with.

As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair:

                                   ANGELA

            Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore?

                                    TED

         The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns

                        at my head call me Theodore.

                                  CHESTER

                 Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend.

                                   ANGELA

                            We met at the pool.

                                  CHESTER

                                  (to Ted)

                 Have you ever seen Angela in a one-piece?

                                    TED

                                    No.

                                  CHESTER

                        Well, it's somethin' to see.

                                  CHESTER

                              (arm around Ted)

        The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in

          his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say

                               hello to Ted.

                                   NORMAN

                                 What's up?

Norman shakes his hand.

                                  CHESTER

          The sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is Leo. And

        the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife

                                   Ellen.

                                  (to Leo)

                           Leo, say hello to Ted.

Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds.

                                    LEO

                      Hi, Ted, glad you could make it.

                              (back to phone)

                                   What?

                                  (pause)

                What does punctuality have to do with love?

                                  CHESTER

       Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha.

Chester shakes Ted's hand.

                                    TED

                I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie.

Chester stops.

Ted wonders if he should have said that.

Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When
he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene
starts changing.

                                  CHESTER

       It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's

         why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people

                                did see it.

Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and
he slowly puts it down.

His manner gives the room a chill.

When he talks, he addresses the room.

                                  CHESTER

                     Who drank out of this bottle last?

No answer.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

                                  CHESTER

         Who drank out of this bottle--not the other bottles--this

                                bottle last?

                                   NORMAN

                           What's wrong, Chester?

He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor.

                                  CHESTER

            It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The

               champagne--the fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat.

Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks
at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole
room is uneasy and a little frightened.

When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As
he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace
delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted.

                                  CHESTER

       I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on

          video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic?

Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool.

                                    LEO

                               72.1 million.

                               (worried tone)

                              You okay, champ?

                                  CHESTER

                          (struggling with bottle)

                      I'm cool, so talk to your wife.

Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room.

                                  CHESTER

                                  (to Ted)

       72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign,

            and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking

                      fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats.

                             (he pops the cork)

         Before all that other shit, The Wacky Detective made 72.1

                              million dollars.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

                                  CHESTER

          And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break

                                 a hundred.

                      (he clinks Ted's glass with his)

                              The Dog Catcher.

                                    TED

                              The Dog Catcher.

They both drink.

The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured
self.

                                  CHESTER

      Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us.

                                    TED

              Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for?

                                  CHESTER

         One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a

         bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should

                           be interested in this.

                                   NORMAN

                                Damn Skippy!

                                  (pause)

                                  Tell it.

Ted produces the things they called for.

                                    TED

                              A block of wood.

Chester knocks on it.

                                  CHESTER

                                   Good.

                                    TED

                                Three nails.

                                   NORMAN

                              Why three nails?

                                  CHESTER

           That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.

Ted is completely bewildered.

                                    TED

                              A roll of twine.

                                  CHESTER

                That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue.

                                    TED

                              A bucket of ice.

                                  CHESTER

                                (to Norman)

                                You into it?

                                   NORMAN

                                (to Chester)

                                I'm into it.

                                  CHESTER

                                  (to Ted)

                                   Go on.

                                    TED

                                  A donut.

Chester takes it and eats it.

                                  CHESTER

                          That's for me. Continue.

                                    TED

                               And a hatchet.

                                  CHESTER

        A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for.

                                    TED

                          Well, you be the judge.

Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead.

                                   NORMAN

                             I'll be the judge.

Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb.

                                  CHESTER

                               Whadya think?

                                   NORMAN

        That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring all this bullshit over to

                                  the bar.

                                  CHESTER

                            You heard him, Ted.

Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does
what he's told.

Leo slams down the phone.

                                    LEO

                                   Bitch!

                                   NORMAN

                             You still married?

                                    LEO

        Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' fuck either way.

        I've had it with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm too drunk to

        drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that.

        I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my fuckin' head off . . .

                         (noticing Ted at the bar)

                           What's going on here?

                                  CHESTER

        We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress.

                                    LEO

                                (surprised)

                         Noooo, you're gonna do it?

                                   NORMAN

                                Looks like.

                                    LEO

        You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it?

Angela is still curled up.

                                   ANGELA

     After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show.

                                  CHESTER

                When we do it, you'll have something to see.

Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him.

                                    LEO

                         You are one radical dude.

Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him.
He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says:

                                    TED

       Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything

                       else, I'll go back downstairs.

                                  CHESTER

          Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you

         take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open

        mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you.

                                    TED

          Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't

          break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you

         want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the

       furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever

        constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is

                               your business.

                                  CHESTER

      Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part.

                                    TED

                             Take part in what?

                                    LEO

            Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently

                       is scarin' the shit outta him.

                                   ANGELA

                  Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out.

Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted.

                                  CHESTER

        First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about

         what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual

         at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be

         thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck

         us off, shit like that. Let me assure you nothing could be

                        farther from what we want--

Angela interrupts:

                                   ANGELA

                            Can I jump in here?

                                  CHESTER

               No, you can't jump in here, this is my story.

                                   ANGELA

           Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked

                           about everything but.

                                  CHESTER

            Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out.

Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up.

                                    LEO

      If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions.

                                   NORMAN

                                 (yelling)

                          I second the nomination!

                                  CHESTER

                                 (yelling)

                       Move the nomination be closed!

Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet.

                                  CHESTER

                                  (calmly)

                          Leo, the floor is yours.

                                    LEO

                                 Thank you.

                                  (to Ted)

          Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcok Show"?

                                    TED

                     (totally bewildered at this point)

                                   Yeah.

                                    LEO

         Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter

                          Lorre and Steve McQueen?

                                    TED

                             I don't think so.

                                    LEO

         Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre

          makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette

         lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light

      his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's

              new car. If he can't he loses his little finger.

                                  (pause)

                 Norman and Chester just made the same bet.

                                  (pause)

            Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint

        convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can

                    light his Zippo ten times in a row.

Pause.

Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying:

                                    TED

                            You guys are drunk.

                                  CHESTER

          Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we

                        don't know what we're doing.

                                   NORMAN

                        I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.

Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the
cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964
red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest
New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car."

                                   NORMAN

         I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear

         what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic.

                         (he holds up the magazine)

                            You see this shit?!

                           (reading the magazine)

     "Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car."

                        (he hands Ted the magazine)

             Now you take a good look at that machine that this

         motherfucker over here is standing next to. That's a 1964

          nigger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car

        more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin'

            here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne--

                                  CHESTER

           --Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're

         drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say

                          you're drinkin' Cristal.

                                   NORMAN

            --drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's

          Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and

         Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. And I look at this funny

     motherfucker over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."

                                    LEO

                         And Chester replies . . .

                                  CHESTER

                            ". . . Oh, really?"

                                    TED

          You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless

                              you were drunk.

Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur.

                                   NORMAN

        I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably

         chicken out. But when you're fucked-up, you don't lie. You

     tell the fuckin' truth. And the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's

                        gonna win me Chester's car.

                                    TED

                                (to Chester)

                          Why are you doing this?

                                  CHESTER

        Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here.

        'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n

                          Norman loves his pinky.

                                    TED

                                  (to Leo)

        How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your

                        friends mutilate each other?

                                    LEO

          Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I

         mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block,

          I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really

            regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a fuck? I mean

        theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow.

                            Life still goes on.

                                    TED

                                (to Angela)

                               How 'bout you?

                                   ANGELA

                                  (to Ted)

                               I don't care.

                                  CHESTER

             Which brings us to your part in this little wager.

                                    TED

                            I don't have a part.

                                  CHESTER

          Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man

      makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish

        in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this

     undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre

     on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're

       all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We

      just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman,

    we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all

                   likelihood be able to sew it back on.

                                    TED

                                 Hopefully.

                                    LEO

                              Eighty percent.

                                   NORMAN

                                 Our side.

                                  CHESTER

        So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after.

       My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally

       attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm

       putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager.

       Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big

       boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win.

      If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have

         no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever.

    But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last

      minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full

         circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you

                             to be the diceman.

Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it.

                                   ANGELA

                          Helluva night, huh, Ted?

                                    TED

                          I gotta get out of here.

Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.

Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his
position at the bar.

                                  CHESTER

        Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it,

        whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in

                       the chair for one minute more.

Ted spins in his direction.

                                    TED

                     I'm not gonna cut off his finger!

                                  CHESTER

          Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing

        to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell

       us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. But if you

       sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll

                        be a hundred dollars richer.

Ted just stands across the room, thinking.

                                   ANGELA

                            Ted. Take the money.

                                    LEO

          Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just

           askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And

                      Chester's willin' to pay for it.

Ted thinks.

                                    TED

         I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute

           from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do,

                       there'll be no hard feelings?

                                  CHESTER

          Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than

         that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No

                        hard feelings. Right, guys?

Everybody agrees.

Ted wearily sits back down.

Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar.

                                  CHESTER

           Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one

                      minute begins and when it ends.

                                    LEO

                                You got it.

                           (he checks his watch)

                       Gentlemen, start your engines.

Chester jumps up and down, loosening up.

                                    LEO

                                   Begin!

Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now
plays "Beat the Clock."

                                  CHESTER

         Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now

                 I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar.

       (he takes the hundred-dollar bill and lays it out on the bar)

                                 One pile,

                   (pointing at the hundred-dollar bill)

                     which is yours. And another pile,

   (Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death)

                           which could be yours.

(he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile)

   Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way,

                 (he lays another hundred on the end pile)

                               or the other.

                   (he lays another hundred on the pile)

                     Whether it's you who holds the ax,

                   (he lays another hundred on the pile)

                       or the desk clerk downstairs,

                   (he lays another hundred on the pile)

                    or some bum we yank off the street.

                (he lays another hundred on the pile) . . .

                                   NORMAN

                 You can buy a lot of soup with that pile.

                                  CHESTER

                                (to Norman)

                           Shhhh, I'm the closer.

                               (to the group)

               How much is on the bar already? I lost count.

                                   ANGELA

                                Six hundred.

                                  CHESTER

            Six hundred. Ted, do you know how long it takes the

                 average American to count to six hundred?

                                    TED

                                    No.

                                  CHESTER

                     (laying another bill on the pile)

          One minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred.

       You know, Ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little

                                experiences.

                     (he lays another bill on the pile)

           Some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you

         forget them. And some that stick with you for the rest of

                            your natural life--

                     (he lays another bill on the pile)

         --barring Alzheimer's of course. Now, what we're proposing

   is so unusual, so outside the norm, that I think it would be a pretty

     good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks.

    So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest

          of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be.

                  (he lays down the last bill on the pile)

     So, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take

       a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's

         worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one

                          second's worth of work?

                                    LEO

                                   Time!

                                  CHESTER

                       Well, Ted, what's it gonna be?

Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face.

FLASHBACK

We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the other stories.

INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

Back to Ted.

                                    TED

                                   Okay.

The group cheers.

                                    TED

        But when it's over, no matter what happens, I get the money?

                                  CHESTER

        As long as you do your part, you can take the pile, walk out

                    the door, and not say another word.

                                    TED

              Let's do it right now, before I change my mind.

                                   NORMAN

                                Here, here.

Everybody gets in their position by the bar. Norman lays his left hand on
the block of wood with his pinky sticking out.

In his right hand is his Zippo lighter, poised and ready to strike.

Chester hands Ted the meat cleaver.

Ted takes it, raises it up above Norman's finger, in position.

                                  CHESTER

        Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! This is great! This is a

                moment in time none of us will ever forget.

Everybody is crowded around the scene, on pins and needles.

                                  CHESTER

                             Norman, you ready?

                                   NORMAN

                                   Ready!

                                  CHESTER

                              Ted, you ready?

                                    TED

                                   Ready.

                                  CHESTER

                          Okeydoke. Norman, begin.

Norman looks hard at the Zippo in his hand. Ted, holding the cleaver,
stares focused on Norman's pinky.

Norman readies himself.

Places his thumb on the wheel in the Zippo.

Takes a breath.

And strikes.

It sparks, but doesn't light.

Without missing a beat, Ted brings down the cleaver, slicing off Norman's
pinky.

Norman lets out a scream.

Ted, in one move, lays down the cleaver, scoops up the money and walks out
the door.

INT. HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN

CAMERA is positioned at far end of hallway, looking down it at the elevator
at the other end.

Ted walks out of the penthouse in the f.g. In a MEDIUM SHOT, he takes the
thousand dollars in his hand, looks at it, smiles, and sticks it in his
pocket. It might've been a bad night, but it's been a profitable one. He
chuckles at the irony, and, whistling a happy tune, turns his back on the
camera and walks down the hall to the elevator.

All the while we hear PANDEMONIUM breaking out behind the door.

As Ted walks to the elevator, the CREDITS ROLL. He waits for the elevator,
it arrives, he gets in, the doors close.

As CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL, we hold for about two beats . . . then . . .

The door BURSTS open and everybody comes piling out. Everybody's screaming,
yelling different things to one another. Norman has a bloody towel wrapped
around his hand, he's screaming and crying.

                                   NORMAN

                       My finger, my fucking finger!!

Chester has the bucket of ice with the finger in it. Leo's trying to direct
everything. Everybody's in frantic activity, except for Angela, who stands
back, drinks her drink, and watches the show. They all run down the hall,
toward the elevator. Somebody trips and they all hit the ground. The bucket
of ice with the finger goes spilling. They run around like crazy, looking
for the finger and picking up ice cubes. Norman lies on the floor and
screams. They pick it all up, get to the elevator, and push the button.

When it arrives, they all dive in except for Angela.

                                   ANGELA

        You know, I'm gonna call it a night and go back to my room.

                               It's been fun.

The doors close on the screaming maniacs.

Angela walks through a door marked "Stairway."

INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN

MEDIUM STAIRWAY DOOR

CREDIT ROLL continues

Angela comes through the door; we STEADICAM in front of her as she walks
the halls, looking for her room. She finds it . . .

WE STOP CREDITS

                                 four rooms

Angela sticks her key in the door, then stops when she sees something
approaching. The look on her face combines strange awe and mild shock.

Almost floating ethereally, a mysterious Blond Bombshell, wearing Diana's
see-through negligee and slippers, armed with Elspeth's sword slung over
her shoulder, wanders toward her. She is in a daze, perhaps lost or drunk.

                                   ANGELA

                              You okay, lady?

The bombshell looks up at her dizzily.

                                   ANGELA

                      I said--you looking for someone?

                                   DIANA

                               (disoriented)

     Uhhh . . . yes . . . my husband . . . I think. Have you seen him?

Angela and the girl have a strange moment as they connect through the eyes.
Having had enough emotional intensity tonight, Angela breaks their eye
contact.

                                   ANGELA

                       Lady, I haven't seen anybody.

Diana quietly says, "Ohhh," as she drifts on down the hall in a daze.
Angela puts her hand to her temples before opening her hotel door. She does
a double-take on the hallway--empty.

She pauses a beat, then walks into her room. After the door closes, we hear
Sigfried on the other side.

                                  SIGFRIED

                       Where the hell have you been?
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