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FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE - EVENING
We MOVE through the city in a series of brief shots that
define and establish our setting, from commercial district to
residential neighborhood. Eventually we find ourselves moving
down a street of two-story apartment buildings. Many of the
windows are lit from within by an EERIE BLUE LIGHT. As we
track past at window-level we see:
A glum, sedated-looking COUPLE watching TV. An ignored
TODDLER runs amok behind them as a cheery commercial plays..
An empty room...
A large, hirsute MAN, wearing only Lycra jogging shorts,
watching the Home Shopping Network while eating mashed
potatoes with his fingers...
A dazed old woman staring out the window.
The silhouette of a TEENAGE GIRL dancing by herself.
We enter her room and see the TV SCREEN. The source of the
THEME MUSIC is A VIDEO of an insane East Indian production
number from the 1960's. The room is cluttered with heaps of
clothes, old records, odd knick-knacks. We see her
silhouetted back as she dances along to the video while
trying on a GRADUATION CAP AND GOWN.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION - AFTERNOON NEXT DAY.
A modern high school auditorium. Over the entrance a banner
with a "Coca Cola" logo reads: "GRADUATION TODAY 2 PM."
INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SAME DAY
A graduation ceremony is in progress. We DOLLY PAST the bland
faces of teary-eyed graduates until we stop on ENID. At
first, we only see the top of her mortarboard; as she lifts
her head we see that she's trying desperately not to laugh.
She makes eye-contact with REBECCA, another graduate, who is
also trying to stifle her laughter. The SPEAKER is in an
elaborate wheelchair with severe-looking traction devices.
SPEAKER
High school is like the training
wheels for the bicycle of real
life. It is a time for young people
to explore different fields of
interest and to hopefully grow from
their experiences.
After all, that which we learn from
our mistakes can be as valuable as
what we learn from our textbooks,
and often we can turn the negative
experiences that are common to all
high-schoolers into positive steps
toward personal growth and
achievement. In coming to terms
with my own personal setback, which
I'm sure you've all heard about,
I've been able to learn a lot about
myself. I've learned f or one thing
that I don't need to rely on drugs
and alcohol
(APPLAUSE)
and that I'm very lucky-that more
people besides Carrie and myself
weren't hurt in the accident; I've
learned that I'm blessed with
wonderful parents, teachers and
above all the best classmates in
the world -- I love each and every
one of you guys!!
(APPLAUSE)
and I've learned that to get
through life,'s obstacles you need
faith, hope and, most of all, a
sense of humor.
(BIG APPLAUSE)
A trio of TEENAGE GIRLS (one white, one Asian, one black)
come running out from the wings and start dancing and
rapping. The audience loves them.
EBONY
No more eduCATION...
VANILLA
It's time for celeBRATION...
JADE
'cause this is the day of our high
school GraduATION...
EBONY
We've stayed for the durATION...
VANILLA
Achieved matricuLATION...
JADE
Now we're the newest members of the
general popuLATION...
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATE AFTERNOON
The auditorium door opens and GRADUATES emerge. Enid &
Rebecca run away from the crowd, triumphantly holding rolled
up diplomas. They run toward the school playground, nearly
bursting with excitement over their long-awaited release.
Enid stops and looks back at the school. She gives it THE
FINGER. They sit on a see-saw, out of breath.
ENID
God, what a bunch of retards...
REBECCA
I thought Chipmunk-face was never
going to shut up.
ENID
I know, I liked her better when she
was an alcoholic crack addict! She
gets in one car wreck and all of a
sudden she's Little Miss Perfect
and everybody loves her.
REBECCA
It's totally sickening.
(she unrolls her DIPLOMA)
Let's see if they gave me the right
diploma...
Enid opens hers. Instead of a diploma, it's an OFFICIAL
LOOKING DOCUMENT with a pink Post-It note on the front page.
ENID
What? ... Oh suck my fucking dick!
REBECCA
What?
ENID
These assholes are saying that I
have to go to Summer school and
take some stupid art class!
REBECCA
Why?
ENID
Remember that stupid hippie art
teacher who failed me sophomore
year?
I didn't think that just because
you get an "F" that means you have
to take the class over again.
REBECCA
You loser.
EXT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
The sign reads "Welcome Graduates".
INT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
Party in progress in the "Gold Room". A band plays TOP-40
"lite" rock
REBECCA
(watching band)
This is so bad, it's almost good.
ENID
This is so bad it's gone past good
and back to bad again...
CLOSE-UP ON ENID, we see the party from her POV: The six or
seven MOST POPULAR STUDENTS huddle closely together.
ENID (CONT'D)
Just think, we'll never have to see
any of these creepy faces ever
again.
REBECCA
Unless they're in your Summer
school class!
ENID
Shut up!
REBECCA
Uh oh... don't turn around...
ENID
What? Why?
REBECCA
Forget it...
MELORRA, an ambitious, incessantly upbeat classmate,
approaches them.
MELORRA
Oh my God, you guys! I can't
believe we made it!
ENID
Yeah, we graduated high school --
how totally amazing.
MELORRA
So what are you guys doing this
Summer?
ENID
Nothing.
MELORRA
I,m going to be in this actor's
workshop, and I'm hoping to start
going on auditions soon. I'm so
excited to finally have some free
time. We have to get together this
summer!
ENID
Oh yeah, that'll definitely
happen...
MELORRA
(spotting better people to
talk to)
Well, bye you guys...
CONGRATULATIONS!
Melorra leaves.
ENID
Since when is she an "actress"?
REBECCA
I know, she needs to die
immediately.
TODD, a friendly but slightly below-average-looking guy,
approaches from behind.
TODD
Hey Rebecca!
REBECCA
Oh... hi...
TODD
(pause)
So... we finally --
ENID
What about me? Am I not even here?
TODD
Oh, hey Enid...
(starting over)
So... we finally made it!
REBECCA
Yep.
TODD
(awkward pause)
So... where are you going to
college?
ENID
(before Rebecca can
answer)
We're not.
TODD
Really? Both of you?... Why not?
ENID
Just because.
REBECCA
We have other plans.
TODD
I guess I should have figured that
you two would do something
different.
ENID
What are you going to be when you
grow up, Todd?
TODD
Well I'm going to major in Business
Administration and, I think, minor
in Communications.
ENID
See, that's exactly the kind of
thing we're trying to avoid.
(pause)
Todd starts to talk again but Enid has noticed something off
to the side.
TODD
So... I --
Enid grabs Rebecca and turns her away from Todd before he can
finish his sentence.
ENID
Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler
going out with Rod Harbaugh?
REBECCA
How perfect.
ENID
He better watch out or he'll get
AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Todd, forgotten, walks away. The singer wails a sappy,
maudlin ballad. Enid spots DENNIS, the class loser, wandering
around by himself.
ENID (CONT'D)
God, just think, we'll never see
Dennis again.
REBECCA
Good.
ENID
God, think about that... that's
actually totally depressing.
INT. THE QUALITY CAFE - DAY
The QUALITY CAFE is Enid and Rebecca' s hangout. A 50-ISH MAN
with shaved head, and his VAGUELY DIABOLICAL WIFE sit eating
lunch. Enid is drawing a picture of them in her sketchbook
when Rebecca arrives.
REBECCA
Hi.
ENID
Look at these people behind you.
I'm totally convinced they're
Satanists.
REBECCA
Why?
ENID
Just look at them!
REBECCA turns and makes eye contact with MR. SATANIST. She
calmly turns back to face Enid before cracking up.
REBECCA
So, when are we going to start
looking for our apartment?
ENID
Soon... I have to wait and see how
this Summer class goes.
REBECCA
Did you sign up yet?
ENID
Yeah, I just picked the one that
sounded the easiest.
REBECCA
God, it's so weird that we're
finally out of high school... We've
been waiting for this our whole
life! Now we can get our own
apartment and do anything we want.
It's such a weird feeling.
ENID
I know, it hasn't really hit me
yet.
Enter JOHN ELLIS, an obnoxious young man with a perpetual
smirk.
JOHN
Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca,
the little Jewish girl and her
Aryan friend.
ENID
You're late, asshole.
JOHN
Fine, and how are you?
ENID
Did you bring that tape?
He puts a videotape on the table, just out of reach.
JOHN
You never paid me for that tape
with the Indian dance routine.
ENID
I did too!
JOHN
Tsk! You Jews are so clever with
money...
ENID
Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick!
REBECCA
Hey, look, the satanists are
leaving!
ENID
We should follow them!
As the SATANISTS walk outside, they open umbrellas, even
though it's a bright, sunny day.
REBECCA
Totally... Oh my God, look!
The girls get up to follow them. Enid grabs the videotape.
ENID
(to John)
Thanks for the tape - I'll have to
pay you later, I'm broke.
JOHN
Hey, where are you going?
ENID
Later, "Dude".
REBECCA
Much later.
ENID
In fact, never.
EXT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Under harsh, glaring sunshine, the girls follow a half-block
behind the SATANISTS.
REBECCA
What do you do if you're a
satanist, anyway?
ENID
You know, sacrifice virgins and
stuff...
REBECCA
That lets us off the hook.
EXT. ACROSS FROM WOWSVILLE - TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED
The SATANISTS continue slowly along with Enid & Rebecca still
following.
ENID
Maybe there's some weird secret
satanic society that meets at the
Quality Cafe and all of the other
regular customers are in on it
except for us.
REBECCA
Or maybe not.
ENID
Maybe they're slowly poisoning us
or they're planning to brainwash us
and --
REBECCA
Okay, okay!
EXT. WOWSVILLE DINER - CONTINUOUS
ENID
Hey, look at this...
Enid points at the mini-mall in front of them. A new
restaurant - we see their banner: "GRAND OPENING. WOWSVILLE -
THE AUTHENTIC 50'S DINER".
ENID (CONT'D)
"Authentic 50's diner"? Since when
were there mini-malls in the
1950's?
REBECCA
God, it's so totally pathetic.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - DAY
They're in a booth looking at menus. It's a less accurate
version of "Johnny Rockets". A golden oldie from the 80's
plays on the jukebox.
REBECCA
Who can forget this great hit from
the 50's?
ENID
I feel as though I've stepped into
a time warp!
The WAITER approaches. He has an ostentatious 70's-style
perm.
REBECCA
Check out the awesome "fifties"
hairdo on the waiter.
WAITER
Hi, my name is Allen, and I'll be
your waiter this afternoon.
ENID
Hi, Al!
REBECCA
Can we call you "Weird Al"?
WAITER
Heh heh. Our specials today are
pasta Vasilio, which is a pasta
salad with a light basil
vinaigrette--
ENID
That was a popular dish in the
50's, huh Weird Al?
AL
I imagine so! Also, we have a
spinach tortellini in a ricotta
sauce. Both of those are $6.95...
shall I give you a few minutes to
mull it over?
ENID
I just want an order of onion
rings.
REBECCA
I might actually get the pasta
special.
ENID
You loser!
AL
Pasta special and an order of onion
rings. Very good.
Al leaves.
ENID
Did you notice all those weird
things on the menu? Like "The Salad
Explosion"?
REBECCA
I know... and instead of "dessert"
it says "Mindbenders."
ENID
What does that even mean?
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - TEN MINUTES LATER
Enid spots an abandoned newspaper, THE FREE WEEKLY, on the
adjoining table.
REBECCA
Check out the Personals... maybe
our future husbands are trying to
contact us.
ENID
God, this paper is so boring. Who
reads all this shit?
(flips through it until
she gets to the
Personals)
Here we go...
(reading)
"Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ,
maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the
clubs, make each other laugh!"
REBECCA
You can have that one.
ENID
Okay, well here's yours...
(reading)
"Who said all the most eligible
bachelors are taken? Not this one!
Stunning bod, very snugglelicious
ocean sunset dreamer."
REBECCA
Gross.
Al returns with their food.
AL
Can I get you ladies anything else,
or are you all set?
ENID
Later I might be interested in one
of those far-out "mindbenders."
Al leaves. Enid goes back to the paper.
ENID (CONT'D)
Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you
remember me? Airport shuttle, June
7th. You: striking redhead with
yellow dress, pearl necklace, brown
shoes. I was the bookish fellow in
the green cardigan who helped you
find your contact lens. Am I crazy,
or did we have a moment?"
REBECCA
God, that's so pathetic. I bet she
didn't even notice him.
ENID
I know. And he's like psychotically
obsessing over every little detail.
REBECCA
We should call him and pretend to
be the redhead.
ENID
Oh, we totally have to.
Enid tears out the ad and puts it in her sketchbook.
CU of sketchbook.
INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Enid and Rebecca sit with Rebecca's grandmother OOMIE in her
living room. They eat TV dinners while watching Oomie's
favorite TV SHOW, which we hear but don't see.
NASAL-VOICED GIRL (V.O.)
So what happened next, Donna?
DONNA (DUMB BLONDE'S V.O.)
Then I told him he'd better take
out his hose and pump me!
NASAL-VOICED GIRL/ANOTHER GIRL (V.O.)
Don-na?!
DONNA (V.O.)
You guys! My car was out of gas!
LAUGH TRACK. Enid leans toward Rebecca.
ENID
(whispers)
Does Oomie really like this show?
REBECCA
(whispers)
Isn't it weird? It's her favorite.
OOMIE
Girls! Shh!
Enid and Rebecca exit.
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING
Rebecca looks through Enid's sketchbook while Enid fiddles
with the remote, fast-forwarding through a tape in the VCR.
REBECCA
So what should we do?
ENID
Wait... I just want to see what's
on this tape.
REBECCA
What is this?
ENID
I dunno. John Ellis always puts on
all this sick stuff that I have to
fast-forward past to get to the
good stuff there's supposed to be a
Don Knotts movie on here someplace.
Sound of FAST-FORWARDING. Rebecca glances up from the
sketchbook.
REBECCA
Wait, what is that?
Enid stops fast-forwarding. We don't see the screen but we
hear weird sounds like BOOTS WALKING THROUGH DEEP MUD.
ENID & REBECCA
EEEEWWWW!
Enid lurches forward to avert her gaze. She clicks of f the
VCR, but leaves the TV on. She notices a PHOTO ALBUM on a
bookshelf under the television.
ENID
Hey - why do you have this?
REBECCA
You lent it to me in like tenth
grade.
ENID
I've been looking all over for
this.
ANGLE ON ALBUM as she leafs through it. We see a picture of a
FIVE-YEAR-OLD ENID with glasses.
ENID (CONT'D)
Look at how cute I am!
REBECCA
What a little hosebag.
ANGLE ON PHOTO of ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ENID & REBECCA at a party.
ENID
Look, that's back when I hated you.
REBECCA
I remember every minute of that
party.
ENID
(another page)
There's my dad with Joanie.
REBECCA
I can never keep them all straight -
was she the super-bitch?
ENID
No, she was the second wife. The
third one was the super-bitch -
Maxine.
(finds a picture)
There! Look at her!
ANGLE ON PHOTO of MAXINE.
ENID (CONT'D)
What a fucking monster!
Something on TV catches Rebecca's eye.
REBECCA
Oh my God! This is that comedian I
was telling you about! You "have to
see this guy -- he's the absolute
worst!
A dead-pan comedian, JOEY McCOBB, is doing his stand-up
routine in a standard brick-wall comedy venue. He has a
contrived "I'm a weirdo" shtick.
JOEY
Just because I live with my mother
people think I'm peculiar... so
what if she's been dead for fifteen
years! Hehn hehn...
(Peter Lorre laugh)
REBECCA (V.O.)
God, that's barely even a joke.
JOEY
As I always say, take my life...
please!
ENID (V.O.)
If he's supposed to be so weird,
how come he's wearing Nikes?
ANNOUNCER
Joey McCobb, ladies and
gentlemen... Joey McCobb!
(APPLAUSE)
ENID
Joey McCobb is our God.
REBECCA
I want to do him!
ENID
I bet! Actually he reminds me of
that one creep you went out with --
you always go for guys with some
lame, fake shtick.
REBECCA
What are you talking about -- who?
ENID
That Larry guy -- what look was he
going for? A gay tennis player from
the forties?
REBECCA
Fuck you!
Rebecca turns the page of Enid's sketchbook to the torn-out
personal ad.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
Hey! We forgot to call the loser!
ENID
Which loser?
REBECCA
You know, the green cardigan guy.
ENID
Oh yeah.
Rebecca goes to the phone and offers the receiver.
REBECCA
You call.
ENID
Why do I always have to do it?
REBECCA
You're better at it.
ENID
(as she dials)
I remember when I first started
reading these I thought DWF stood
for "dwarf!"
REBECCA
(ear up to phone)
What does it stand for?
ENID
Shh, it's his answering machine...
(pause)
We hear the indistinct traces of a musical message followed
by a faint BEEP.
ENID (CONT'D)
Hi, it's me - your "striking
blonde." Of course I remember you.
Let's get together for lunch
sometime... How about Friday at one
o'clock?... Why don't you meet me
at my favorite restaurant,
"Wowsville"... It's in the mall on
Century Parkway... I'll see you
there, darling... and be sure to
wear that sexy green cardigan...
As Enid hangs up they both start laughing.
EXT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
A franchise convenience store with a western motif.
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
JOSH, 19, is taking his apron off as his BOSS, a humorless
Greek immigrant, counts out the cash register. Cheerful Muzak
plays.
BOSS
AH AH AH! What you think you doing?
You still got five minutes left on
you shift!
Enid (wearing wraparound shades) & Rebecca enter.
ENID
Well hello there, young employee of
the Sidewinder.
JOSH
Look, I already told you I'm not
going to give you a ride.
ENID
What can you tell me, young man,
about the various flavors of
"frozen yogurt"?
JOSH
Look, I'll be done in a minute.
Just wait outside.
ENID
I'm afraid I don't understand. I
simply wish to know --
BOSS
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
JOSH
(SIGHS)
The flavors we're featuring this
week, in addition to old favorites
chocolate and vanilla, are Six-Gun
Strawberry, Wild Cherry Round-up,
and Ten Gallon Tangerine.
ENID
I don't believe I care for any of
those.
Rebecca giggles. A customer, DOUG, enters: a lowly specimen
with bad hair-cut, mustache, and jail-house tattoos, wearing
filthy designer jeans and no shirt.
DOUG
Hey, Josh... I need two packs of
smokes. I'm on a double shift
tonight... fuckin' sixteen hours,
man.
Doug brings a 40-ouncer to the counter. Josh has two packs of
Newports waiting for him.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Hey, and gimme six of these beef
jerkys too - I'm hungry enough to
chew the crotch out of a rag doll!
Doug pays.
BOSS
Hey! I told you: No shirt, no
service!
DOUG
(as he leaves)
Fuck you, man!
ENID
So Josh...
JOSH
Look, can we talk in a minute? I'm
almost done.
Enid looks at herself in the security mirror. She takes off
her hat and messes up her hair. She then takes off her shades
and replaces them with her standard horn-rims.
REBECCA
(nudging Enid, points
outside)
Look at this!
Outside we see Doug practicing with nunchuks and drinking a
beer. Heavy metal music blares from his car radio. The BOSS
sees this and goes out to yell at him.
BOSS
You get out of here!
Josh joins Enid & Rebecca on the other side of counter.
ENID
That guy rules!
JOSH
Who, Doug? He spends more time here
than I do...
ENID
So Josh, will you give us a ride?
Please? Pretty please? It's going
to be super fun!
JOSH
No.
REBECCA
Please Josh?
JOSH
Forget it, there's no way... find
some other poor sucker to abuse.
EXT. JOSH'S CAR - DAY
Josh is driving, chauffeur-like, with the two girls relaxing
in the back seat.
JOSH
Why do you even need a ride? You
could walk there in two minutes.
ENID
It's just an excuse for us to spend
ti with you.
Enid and Rebecca giggle.
REBECCA
So Josh, if this guy freaks out,
will you protect us?
JOSH
He has every reason to freak out --
this is a totally fucked-up thing
to do to somebody!
ENID
God, I think Josh is too mature for
us.
REBECCA
I know, look at the way he
drives... he's like an old man.
ENID
Yeah, Josh, c'mon... MOVE IT!
EXT. GAFFEY STREET - DAY
Their car accelerates.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - 12:35 PM.
The three of them are seated at a corner booth. A song from
any decade other than the 50's PLAYS on the jukebox. A
BUSINESSMAN enters.
REBECCA
Look, maybe that's him!
ENID
It's still twenty-five minutes
early.
JOSH
Aren't there a million places like
this?
ENID
This is the ultimate. It's like the
Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.
JOSH
So, where's "Weird Al"?
ENID
SHH! He's back there. I can see his
hair bobbing up and down.
REBECCA
I want to "make love" to him.
ENID
I'm going to tell him you said
that.
WEIRD AL approaches with menus.
AL
So nice to see you again, ladies.
ENID
Hey, Weird Al, there's something my
friend wants to tell you --
REBECCA
SHUT UP!
ENID
She says she wants to MMPH!
Rebecca puts her hand over Enid's mouth.
CUT TO:
A PUSH SWEEPER, SWEEPING THE CARPET.
ANGLE ON: OLD WOMAN slowly sweeping.
WE FOLLOW HER BACK TO: ENID, REBECCA & JOSH. THEY'RE NOW
EATING: TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED, IT'S 12:45.
ENID (CONT'D)
So Josh... Becky and I are trying
to figure out what makes you tick.
Tell us about your political
beliefs.
REBECCA laughs.
JOSH
Yeah, right.
ENID
No, I'm serious. Give us your whole
basic philosophy in a nutshell.
REBECCA
Oh my God, look, that's got to be
him!
A GUY enters.
ENID
Is he wearing a green cardigan?
REBECCA
What exactly is a cardigan anyway?
The GUY joins a friend.
ENID
That's not him... Jesus, stop
freaking me out.
JOSH
In answer to your question, I
suppose I endorse policies that are
opposed to stupidity and violence
and cruelty in any form...
ENID
I figured something like that...
REBECCA
Oh my God!
They see a somewhat funny-looking guy in his late 30's,
wearing a green cardigan, SEYMOUR, enter. Enid and Rebecca
hunch down in their seats.
ENID
It's obviously him!
REBECCA
I can't believe it!
Seymour sits down and looks around. Weird Al brings a menu.
ANOTHER ANGLE ON: WEIRD AL bringing his milkshake. Ten more
minutes have passed, it's 12:55.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
What's going on now? What's he
doing?
ENID
Oh my god, he just ordered a giant
glass of milk!
JOSH
(bursting her bubble)
It's a vanilla milkshake.
Fifteen more minutes have passed - it's 1:10 PM. Seymour
looks around, still hopeful. His date is now TEN MINUTES
LATE.
REBECCA
What's he doing now?
ENID
He's still just sitting there. God,
this is totally unbearable!
JOSH
I agree.
REBECCA
I wish I could see him.
ENID
Go ahead and look, but don't make
it too obvious...
Rebecca turns around and pretends to look past Seymour.
It's now 1:30 PM. His date is 30 MINUTES LATE. Seymour gets
up and walks sadly towards the cashier (Weird Al).
REBECCA
Do you think he knows?
ENID
I dunno...
They watch him leave. Enid goes up to pay the bill while Josh
and Rebecca go outside.
ENID (CONT'D)
Hey Weird Al, did that guy say
anything to you before he left?
AL
Not a thing.
Enid goes back to the table to leave a tip, two dollars. Al
passes behind her.
AL (CONT'D)
(cheerfully professional
despite her abuse)
Thank you and come again.
Enid hesitates, overcome with guilt. She glances back at Al,
then digs every penny out of her pocket (about seven dollars
in coins and wadded up bills) and adds it to his tip.
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
The trio drive in silence. Suddenly, an extra-wide pick-up
vrooms past Josh, cutting off the driver (SEYMOUR) next to
him. SEYMOUR bobs violently as he screams silent obscenities.
JOSH
Jesus, look at this guy.
ENID
Oh my God, that's HIM!
REBECCA
Are you sure?
ENID
Totally! Look!
ANGLE ON: SEYMOUR really having a fit now. Once it's out of
his system, he reverts to an amiable poker-face.
ENID (CONT'D)
He's insane!
REBECCA
We should follow him home.
JOSH
Forget it.
ENID
Come on, Josh... don't you want to
see where he lives?
JOSH
No.
ENID
But this guy is like a one-of-kind,
rare butterfly, and we have to
follow him back to his natural
habitat...
JOSH
You need counseling.
EXT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
Several minutes have passed. Seymour parks.
REBECCA
God, he lives right in our
neighborhood!
Seymour gets out and disappears up the steps of his building.
ENID
He doesn't even look that bummed
out, really.
REBECCA
I know... wouldn't you be totally
pissed off?
ENID
This kind of thing must happen to
him all the time.
INT. EXPERIMENTAL FILM - DAY
FULL SCREEN: grainy B&W video footage. The CAMERA travels up
a shadowy flight of stairs. We hear FOOTSTEPS, a rhythmic
POUNDING, and a deranged CHILDREN'S CHOIR ("LALALALALALA").
WOMAN'S VOICE
(cheap echo effect)
Returning to the house of my
Fatherfatherfatherfather...
The CAMERA reaches the top of the stairs, we see a door that
slowly CREAKS open. We move into the room beyond, it's
decorated with stuff from the 50's and a giant crucifix. We
HEAR a televangelist's sermon. We MOVE CLOSE on a little
girl's doll. Very slowly a MAN'S HAND reaches for the doll
and drags it into the shadows. The hand throws the now
mutilated doll into a toilet; water and blood swirl around.
We see grainy footage (shot off of TV) of Christians angrily
picketing an abortion clinic. CREDITS come up: THE END. A
FILM BY ROBERTA ALLSWORTH.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
The lights go on, the VIDEO ends and the monitor is shut off.
There are about a dozen students, mostly pimply 14-year-old
boys, a few 14-ish girls, and Enid, dressed in schoolgirl
outfit. The teacher, ROBERTA ALLSWORTH, addresses the class.
ROBERTA
That piece is entitled
"Mirror/Father/Mirror." I like to
show it to people I'm meeting for
the first time because it says so
much about who I am and what it
feels like to inhabit my specific
skin.
And this is exactly what I'm hoping
to get from each of you over the
course of this Summer: a picture of
your own self-exploration. My own
background is in video and
performance art, but I'm hoping
that doesn't influence you and that
you'll find your own ways of
externalizing the internal. At the
end of the Summer, this class has
been invited, along with several
others in the area, to participate
in a show of High-School art at the
Neighborhood Activity Center. The
title of the show will be
"Brotherhood and Community: Art as
Dialogue." I think the
"Brotherhood" theme ties in nicely
with the theme of self-discovery
that I'd like to emphasize in this
class. Are there any questions so
far?
(she's completely lost
them)
Great...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Enid and Rebecca stand in front of Seymour's apartment.
ENID
This is way too creepy.
REBECCA
He won't see us... we'll just stalk
him from a distance.
ENID
I'm afraid if I see him, I'll start
feeling really bad again.
A pause.
ENID (CONT'D)
So what should we do? We can't just
hide all day waiting for him to
come out...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S BUILDING - MAILBOX
There are three mail slots. Enid pulls the mail out of the
first one. We see FLOWER BULB CATALOGUES, and LADIES HOME
JOURNAL.
ENID
This is girl mail.
She grabs the mail out of SLOT NUMBER TWO.
ENID
This is all computer catalogues and
stuff...
Rebecca is looking at the mail from SLOT NUMBER THREE.
REBECCA
The W.C. Fields Fan Club
Newsletter...
(she flips through the
mail)
Oh my God, The National Psoriasis
Foundation!
ENID
Bingo!
She shoves back the contents of slot number two and grabs the
mail from Rebecca. We hear MALE VOICES around the corner.
REBECCA
Wait! Do you hear that?
Enid jams the mail back in the slot in a panic.
ENID
Shit!
They slowly walk around the bushes toward the voices.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
They see the GARAGE SALE, in progress. They've all spotted
each other.
REBECCA
What should we do? What if he
recognizes us?
ENID
Come on, it's too late now...
A middle-aged HOUSEWIFE browses with little enthusiasm as
Enid & Rebecca tentatively approach. Enid spots a MONGOOSE
VS. COBRA taxidermy piece near Joe...
ENID (CONT'D)
Ew, look at this...
REBECCA
Gross!
ENID
I think it's cute - look at his
little weasel teeth.
REBECCA
Ew, it's like some gross rat...
JOE
(hardly looking up from
TV)
It's a mongoose.
REBECCA
Mm...
ENID
A what?
JOE
A mongoose... they eat snakes...
you never heard of a mongoose?
That's a classic piece of vintage
taxidermy. Nobody alive today knows
how to do work like that.
ENID
(looking underneath it)
How much is this?
JOE
Umm... That's not officially for
sale... I might have to hang onto
that for the time being.
Joe shuts off the TV. He turns to the girls, not wanting to
lose the rapport he's established with two potential
customers.
JOE (CONT'D)
So, are you looking for anything in
particular? There's a lot of other
stuff in storage...
He picks up a plastic Casio-type guitar/keyboard (a child's
toy) and starts noodling pre-programmed rock licks.
JOE (CONT'D)
Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals
to you.
Absolutely no practice necessary.
You shread like a giant. Just press
a button.
ENID
That's okay...
She notices several modern jazz LPs on Joe's table.
ENID
Do you have any other old records
besides these?
JOE
Seymour does.
ENID
Who does?
JOE
Him. Seymour. He's the man with the
records.
Enid glances at Rebecca and mouths the implausible name:
"Seymour?!" Rebecca snorts, unable to control her laughter,
and turns away from the table. Enid keeps her cool...
ENID
Do you have any old Indian records?
SEYMOUR
Indian records?
ENID
You know, like weird 1960's Indian
rock n' roll music.
SEYMOUR
I don't have anything after about
1935. I may have one Hindu 78 from
the twenties in my collection, but
it's not really for sale. I don't
really collect "foreign."
Enid drifts over and begins thumbing through a box of 78s.
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
Those are all 78s... Can you play
78s?
ENID
Sure!... Wait, maybe not 78s, but I
can play regular records...
He points her to a nearby box of LPs.
SEYMOUR
There's some good stuff in here...
do you like old music?
ENID
Sure, I guess.
SEYMOUR
Well there's a few choice LPs in
here that re-issue some really
great old blues stuff.
Rebecca tugs on Enid's sleeve. Enid gets free and continues
looking through the records. She stops on one with an
especially wacky cover.
ENID
Is this one any good?
SEYMOUR
Nah, it's not so great. Here's the
one I'd recommend.
He pulls out a bland-looking record: "COLLECTOR'S ITEMS,
VOLUME THREE." Rebecca shifts impatiently behind her.
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
This track alone by Memphis Minnie
is worth about $500 if you have the
original 78. She was one of the
greatest guitar players that ever
lived, and a great singer and
songwriter as well. I know the guy
who owns the original and lent it
for use on this reissue.
ENID
Wow!
Rebecca snorts at Enid's over-exuberance. Enid kicks her.
ENID (CONT'D)
How much is it?
SEYMOUR
A dollar seventy-five.
ENID
Okay.
She pays him.
SEYMOUR
If you don't like it bring it back
for a refund. We're here every
Saturday.
He puts the record into a bag.
ENID
I'm sure it's fine.
INT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Enid & Rebecca sit in their usual booth. Rebecca is reading
THE FREE WEEKLY.
REBECCA
That was truly pathetic.
ENID
I know... I still can't get over
that his name was "Seymour."
Rebecca starts looking through the APARTMENT LISTINGS. She
takes a pen out of her purse.
REBECCA
He was so excited when you bought
that record -- you're a saint!...
God, these apartments are super
expensive...
ENID
It was so cute how he had his own
little bags. I thought I was going
to start crying!... Do you think
they're gay?
REBECCA
What about the "striking redhead in
the yellow dress"?
ENID
Oh yeah...
REBECCA
He should totally just kill
himself... Hey, here's one
(circles it)
... Oh wait...
(crosses it out)
you have to share it with a non
smoking feminist and her two
cats...
ENID
I dunno... I kind of like him...
He's the exact opposite of
everything I really hate... In a
way he's such a clueless dork that
he's almost cool...
REBECCA
That guy is many things but he
definitely isn't "cool"... This one
would be okay, but there's no
kitchen...
ENID
Yeah, but... you know what I mean.
REBECCA
Not really...
ENID
Forget it, I can't explain it...
Awkward silence. Melorra enters.
MELORRA
Oh my god, what are you guys doing
here?
ENID
What are you doing here, Melorra?
MELORRA
My acting workshop is across the
street from here. I'm just on my
break.
ENID
Well, we won't keep you.
MELORRA
I love this place... it's so - you
know, "funky."
Enid and Rebecca look at each other.
MELORRA (CONT'D)
What are you guys up to?
REBECCA
We're looking for an apartment.
MELORRA
God how cool. Where are you moving?
ENID
We're not sure yet, that's why
we're looking.
REBECCA
Somewhere downtown.
MELORRA
God that's so exciting!
(looks at clock)
Oops, I should go. Bye you guys!
Call me.
Melorra leaves quickly.
REBECCA
"Funky"?
ENID
What, is she black now?
They watch her cross the street - she's dressed in expensive
"casual" clothes with a fancy backpack.
REBECCA
I've been thinking about when we
look for our apartment how we have
to try and convince people that
we're like these totally rich
yuppies...
ENID
What are you talking about?
REBECCA
That's who people want to rent to.
It's a known fact that it's way
easier to get a job and everything
if you're rich... All we have to do
is buy a few semi-expensive outfits
and act like it's no big deal...
it'll be fun.
ENID
You just want an excuse to dress
like some stupid fashion model
without me making fun of you.
REBECCA
Just promise you'll do it.
ENID
Okay, okay, I promise... Jesus,
you're out of your mind.
INT. ENID'S BATHROOM - DAY
Loud water running; PUNK ROCK blares from adjoining bedroom
as Enid, her head in the sink, sings along, making up her own
words. As she straightens INTO FRAME, we see that she's dyed
her hair green. She grabs a towel and heads into the bedroom.
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Her DAD enters with a mixing bowl, oblivious to the green
hair and loud music.
DAD
(over music)
Have you seen my blue spatula?
ENID
Nope. What are you making,
pancakes?
DAD
Not if I don't find that goddamn
spatula.
Lad leaves. Enid messes up her hair in different ways while
singing along to the tape and looking at herself in the
mirror. Rebecca opens the door and stands in the doorway.
REBECCA
(disdainful)
When did you do that?
Enid turns around, startled, but instantly regains helps
composure.
ENID
What? How long have you been
standing there?
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/NEAR ACME SHOES - DAY
REBECCA
Did you have to buy new hair dye or
did you still have some left over
from eighth grade?
ENID
Fuck you, bitch!
They walk past a sad-looking ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE, in
a distinctive old building, that looks as if it's been there
forever. They stop and peer through the window.
ENID (CONT'D)
We still have to go in there
sometime.
REBECCA
It's always closed...
ENID
I bet they have tons of incredible
shoes hidden in the back.
They continue walking.
ENID (CONT'D)
Hey look, it's the pants.
We see a pair of discarded jeans on the sidewalk.
REBECCA
Where are we going?
ENID
Let's go hassle Josh.
REBECCA
"Hassle"?
They see a MIDDLE-AGED MAN dressed in a shabby threadbare
suit and hat sitting at what was once a bus stop. The rusty
sign has a red sticker on it that says "No longer in
service."
REBECCA (CONT'D)
There he is...
ENID
As always.
REBECCA
Waiting for the bus that never
comes...
ENID
I wonder if he's just totally
insane and he really thinks a bus
is coming or --
REBECCA
Why don't you ask him.
Enid sits next to THE MAN. Rebecca stands behind the bench,
taken aback that Enid is going to end the long standing
speculation.
ENID
Hi... what's your name?
MAN
(looks at watchless wrist,
then down the street)
Norman.
ENID
... are you waiting for a bus?
MAN
Yes.
ENID
I hate to tell you this but they
cancelled this bus line two years
ago... There are no buses on this
street.
MAN
You don't know what you're talking
about.
EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Enid & Rebecca are on the outside porch/walkway on the second
floor of Josh's building. Enid POUNDS on his pasteboard door;
the windows RATTLE with each hollow THUD.
ENID
JOSH!
REBECCA
JOSH!
ENID & REBECCA
JOSH!
ENID
He's probably in there jerking off.
REBECCA
I'll bet he never jerks off...
ENID
Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like
that.
REBECCA
Should we leave a note?
Enid finds a piece of paper - the back of a pizza flyer.
ENID
Do you have a pen?
She writes, while Rebecca looks over her shoulder. "Dear
Josh. We came by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door.
Therefore you are gay. Signed, Tiffany and Amber."
REBECCA
You're not really going to leave
that are you?
Enid pushes the note over his doorknob.
EXT. ENTERING ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
REBECCA
Why are we going here? I hate this
place.
ENID
It'll only take a second.
INT. ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
They enter. We see racks of books-with titles like "Make
Explosives At Home." Rebecca walks over to the magazine rack.
CREEP #1
-- I'm telling you, you're wrong --
carpet beetles are the only way to
get the flesh off a corpse...
Boiling is strictly for amateurs!
ENID
Don't you creeps ever talk about
anything nice? Don't you ever talk
about fluffy kittens or the Easter
Bunny?
CREEP #1
Look who's talking - little miss
badass...
CREEP #2
Yeah, nice outfit - who are you
supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?
ENID
Blow me, doofus!
John Ellis emerges from the back and begins to unload a box
of books onto the shelves. He stops and looks at Enid.
JOHN ELLIS
Didn't they tell you?
ENID
Tell me what?
JOHN ELLIS
Punk rock is over!
ENID
I know it's over, asshole, I --
JOHN ELLIS
If you really want to "fuck up the
system,- you should go to business
school -- that's what I'm gonna do:
get a job at some big corporation
and fuck things up from the inside!
ENID
That's not even --
JOHN ELLIS
Yeah yeah yeah. Do you have my
money?
She wads up a twenty-dollar bill and throws it at him.
JOHN ELLIS (CONT'D)
Oh, how "punk."
ENID
That tape sucked, by the way!
JOHN ELLIS
I'm so sorry if you were offended!
He heads toward the back room with the empty box.
ENID
Go die, asshole!
JOHN ELLIS
Get a job!
He exits. Rebecca walks over to Enid.
REBECCA
What was that all about?
ENID
It's not like I'm some modern Punk
dickhead... It's obviously supposed
to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess
Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to
get it!
REBECCA
I didn't get it either.
ENID
Everybody's too stupid!
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING
Enid dejectedly enters and heads straight for the bathroom.
She rummages through a cabinet until she finds the right box
(black hair dye). She wets her hair, then goes into the
bedroom and mechanically turns on her boom box. The punk rock
song we heard earlier plays. She yanks out the tape and
flings it away. She skims through her records and CDs,
dismissing them all. She notices Seymour's bag in the corner.
She takes out the record and puts it on. The first tune is an
upbeat instrumental number. She returns to the bathroom.
Several minutes pass. TRACK TWO begins on the LP. She (and
we) slowly begin to take notice. It's a strange, haunting old
BLUES RECORD. We see that the tune has struck a nerve.
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
The song continues. Enid sits in her bean-bag chair. Her hair
is now dyed back to black. As the song ends, she picks up the
needle and starts it again.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
ENID
Yeah, it took a while before I got
a chance to play it, but when I
heard that song it was like --
SEYMOUR
So you really liked it? Yeah,
there's some really rare
performances. You liked that
Memphis Minnie, huh?
ENID
Yeah, that's good too... the whole
record was good, but that one song,
"Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly
just keep playing that one over and
over... Do you have any other
records like that?
SEYMOUR
The Skip James record? Yeah, that's
a masterpiece. There are no other
records like that! I actually have
the original 78 of it in my
collection. It's one of maybe five
known copies.
ENID
(nearly sincere)
Wow!
SEYMOUR
Do you want to see it? I can run
upstairs and get it...
ENID
Yeah, sure, I guess...
SEYMOUR
(to Joe, he always says
this when he leaves his
table)
Watch my stuff.
Seymour exits. An uncomfortable pause as Enid stands at the
table. She touches the mongoose's tooth.
JOE
(not looking up)
You still interested in that?
ENID
I thought it wasn't for sale.
JOE
I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it
go...
ENID
It's kind of falling apart.
Seymour returns with the 78, holding it like a precious
object.
SEYMOUR
Here it is. It's only about V minus
and has an incipient lam crack, but
plays decent as I recall.
Seymour passes the 78 to Enid who fo1lows suit and holds it
carefully by the edges.
ENID
Wow...
Enid pretends to drop the record.
ENID (CONT'D)
Oops! I dropped it!
SEYMOUR
NO!!!
ENID
Hey, I was only kidding!
She hands the record back to Seymour, who's shaken and
embarrassed.
ENID (CONT'D)
Jesus, Seymour... are you all
right?
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
Starts with a PAN ACROSS a wall of unimpressive high school
art: dumb drawings of fighting Chuck Norris-types, traced
centerfolds, highly sexualized horses, etc. And, on a table,
a wire sculpture made from two coathangers.
ROBERTA
I'm not going to start a discourse
on the subject of "good" art vs.
"bad" art; these judgments are for
each person to make on his own. I
merely want to help each of you
find the best way to look within
yourselves the best key to your
particular lock. Last week I asked
you to-try and create a piece of
artwork that responds to something
that you have strong feelings
about.
Enid enters late and puts her sketchbook on the table.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
And it looks like we have some
really interesting work up here....
Roberta peruses some of the art, then points to a very
violent drawing.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
What can you tell, us about your
piece... uh...
(struggles to read
signature)
... Phillip?
PHILLIP
(very stupid and nervous)
Uh... it's uh... it's about The
Mutilator...
ROBERTA
My goodness!
PHILLIP
It's this really great video game
about a guy who kills people with a
big hammer...
ROBERTA
(trying to make a joke)
I thought maybe this was supposed
to be your father.
No response from Phillip. Roberta nicks up Enid's sketchbook
and leafs through it.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
And what can you tell us about
this...
(searches for name)
ENID
Enid. It's sort of like a diary I
guess.
We see several sketches, including the drawing of the
SATANISTS. Roberta shows a few pages to the class.
ROBERTA
I think that Phillip and Enid can
help us to see that there are-many
different ways we can express
ourselves.
We can do things like these
cartoons that are amusing as a sort
of light entertainment or we can do
work that is more serious in scope
and feeling and that deals with
issues; emotional, spiritual,
political; of great importance. I
hope that you will each have the
tools to do that type of work by
the end of this class.
(pause, points at WIRE
SCULPTURE)
Who is responsible for this?
MARGARET
I am.
ROBERTA
Talk to us about it...
MARGARET
It's my response to the issue of a
woman's right to choose... it's
something I feel super-strongly
about.
ROBERTA
Isn't this a wonderful piece,
class? This definitely falls into
that higher category of art I was
speaking of earlier.
MARGARET glances over at Enid. Enid gives her a dirty look.
INT. "MASTERPIECE VIDEO" STORE - AFTERNOON.
On a monitor, a generic trailer is playing.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Hello and welcome to Masterpiece
video. How may I help you this
afternoon, sir?
CUSTOMER
I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Yessir! Is it a new release, sir?
CUSTOMER
No, it's the classic Italian film.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Let me look that up on the computer
for you, sir!
(fiddles with computer)
Yes, here it is - 9 1/2 WEEKS with
Mickey Rourke. It's in our "Erotic
Dramas" section.
CUSTOMER
No, not "9 1/2", 8 1/2 , the
Fellini film.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
I'll check that for you sir. How do
you spell the actor's name - F-I-L
E-E-P-E-E...?
WE SEE Enid & Rebecca, dressed up in sexy outfits.
REBECCA
How about this one?
ENID
Hey, you have to see my new good
luck charm.
She pulls out a small porcelain figure of a MAN FLUSHING
HIMSELF DOWN A TOILET with the words "Goodbye Cruel World" on
the base.
REBECCA
Ew ... when did you get that?
ENID
This morning at Seymour's garage
sale.
REBECCA
God, aren't you tired of Seymour
yet?
Rebecca picks up another tape.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
How about this?
ENID
Forget it. I'm sure it sucks. All
these movies suck.
An obnoxious SIX-YEAR-OLD tries to get his PARENTS to add
another tape to their already tall stack. He stares at the
video monitor.
Another MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE reshelves videos near them.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #2
(overly cheerful)
Hello! How are you young ladies
this evening? May I help you find a
particular Masterpiece movie?
ENID
No.
They walk by him.
ENID (CONT'D)
Let's get out of here, this place
makes me sick.
REBECCA
We have to do something fun tonight
this is my last weekend of freedom
before I start my stupid job.
ENID
I know a party we could go to...
REBECCA
What? Where?!
ENID
It's a surprise.
REBECCA
I don't believe you.
ENID
If I promise you there's really a
party with a lot of guys, do you
promise you'll go?
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
A depressing COLLECTORS' GET-TOGETHER in progress. Enid &
Rebecca sit on an old sofa in the corner. Nine or ten RECORD
COLLECTORS mill about.
JEROME
There are some records I will pay
serious money for, provided they're
a sincere V plus. Other than that
I'd prefer to just have them on CD.
STEVEN
CDs will never have the presence of
an original 78.
JEROME
WRR-ONG! A digital transfer
adequately mastered will sound
identical to the original. Do you
have a decent equalizer?
STEVEN
I have a Klipsch 2B3.
JEROME
Obviously the problem! You expect a
ten-band equalizer to impart state
of-the-art sound? Dream a little
dream! etc...
Enid & Rebecca are sitting nearby.
REBECCA
I totally, totally hate you.
ENID
Aw c'mon, this is a fun party.
ANGLE ON: Joe stands talking to GERROLD, an obnoxious, pushy,
fast-talking guy who keeps eyeing Rebecca. He shovels food
into his mouth as he speaks.
GERROLD
So what's the story with the two
cheerleaders over here?
JOE
They're Seymour's.
GERROLD
Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!
JOE
Don't worry about it. He's not
gettin' any and neither are you.
GERROLD
(poking Joe in the chest)
Let me tell ya somethin', Joe...
Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit
a home run without swinging the
bat!
JOE
Right.
Gerrold walks over to where Rebecca is sitting. He sits on
the arm of sofa next to her.
GERROLD
Mind if I sit here?
REBECCA
(staring straight ahead)
Yes.
GERROLD
Whoa, that was cold! Hey, you're
okay, you're pretty sharp. So uh...
hey, you're wearing a green dress -
whadda you Irish? I bet you're
Irish. What's your name?
REBECCA
Melorra...
GERROLD
Melorra, listen to me - let me tell
you something Melorra... you seem
like an interesting chick - what
are you doing hanging out with
these losers here? Whaddya say you
and me take off and hit some
nightspots etc. etc.
ENID
I'll be right back, I'm gonna go
get a beer.
REBECCA
(to ENID)
Wait...
Enid goes over to the beer keg. Nearby Seymour stands talking
to PAUL - a humorless, middle-aged guy in a suit and tie
who's contemptuously examining one of Seymour's 78s.
SEYMOUR
... but it plays like new. There's
no groove wear.
PAUL
Oh please... It has an enlarged
center hole and a hair crack.
Enid approaches them.
SEYMOUR
But the crack is so tight it's
completely inaudible.
PAUL
A tight hair crack is just that - a
crack. I don't collect cracked
records.
(walking away)
I only pay a premium for mint
records Seymour, you know that!
Please!
ENID
What was all that stuff about
enlarged holes and tight cracks?
SEYMOUR
I... I didn't think you would have
any interest in this get
together... I mean if you had told
me you were coming I would have
warned you -- it's not like a real
party or anything.
ENID
You're right about that.
(pause)
So this is your record collection?
SEYMOUR
Oh God no. This is just junk I have
for sale or trade. The record room
is off-limits.
ENID
Really? Can I see it?
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well sure... you can if you
want to... it's just I don't want
all these guys in there at once...
you know...
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Enid & Seymour enter his inner sanctum, beverage containers
in hand -- nicely-displayed old collectibles cover just about
every inch of wall space.
ENID
Wow! This is like my dream room!
Are these all records!
SEYMOUR
I have about fifteen hundred 78s at
this point. I've tried to pare down
my collection to the essential...
ENID
God, look at this poster! I can't
believe this room! You're the
luckiest guy in the world! I'd kill
to have stuff like this!
SEYMOUR
Please... go ahead and kill me!
This stuff doesn't make you happy,
believe me.
ENID
Oh, come on! What are you talking
about?
SEYMOUR
You think it's healthy to
obsessively collect things? You
can't connect with other people so
you fill your life with stuff...
I'm just like all the rest of these
pathetic collector losers.
Enid writes her name in the dust.
ENID
No you're not! You're a cool guy,
Seymour.
SEYMOUR
Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why
haven't I had a girlfriend in four
years? I can't even remember the
last time a girl talked to me.
ENID
I'm talking to you... I'll bet
there are tons of women who would
go out with you in a minute!.
SEYMOUR
Oh, right...
ENID
No really... I guarantee I could
get you a date in like two
seconds...
SEYMOUR
Good luck...
ENID
I'm totally serious!
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well...
ENID
I mean it -- You leave everything
to me -- I'm going to be your own
personal dating service!
SEYMOUR
I appreciate the offer but you
really don't --
ENID
Mark my words, by the end of this
summer you'll be up to your neck in
pussy!
SEYMOUR
Jesus! That's very nice of you Enid
but I - I really --
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
As Enid and Seymour walk. A 20-ish secretary-type passes.
ENID
What about her? Would you go out
with her?
SEYMOUR
I don't know, what kind of question
is that? I mean it's totally
irrelevant because a girl like that
would never be caught dead with
me...
ENID
But putting that aside for now,
would you go out with her?
SEYMOUR
I really didn't get a good look at
her.
A breasty, overweight 40-year-old walks by.
ENID
Okay, what about this one? Are you
into girls with big tits?
SEYMOUR
(embarrassed)
Jesus!
ENID
C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to
collect data here! Don't you want
me to find you your perfect dream
girl?
SEYMOUR
I'm just not one of those guys who
has a "type"...
ENID
Every guy has a type!
SEYMOUR
(he doesn't really mean
this)
I mean as long as she's not a
complete imbecile and she's even
remotely attractive...
They walk by "the pants."
ENID
Hey look, there's Norman!
He's sitting as before at the defunct bus stop.
ENID (CONT'D)
Hi Norman.
Norman nods politely. Seymour looks quizzically at Enid.
EXT. CITY STREET/NEAR SIDEWINDER - DAY
They're in another part of town near THE SIDEWINDER.
ENID
We need to narrow this down
somehow... we need to find a place
where you can meet women who share
your interests.
SEYMOUR
Maybe I don't want to meet someone
who shares my interests.
I hate my interests! Where can I go
to meet the exact opposite of
myself?
ENID
Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your
five main interests, in order of
importance.
SEYMOUR
(sighs)
Well, let's see... I guess I'd have
to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and
Ragtime music at the top of the
list, then probably...
ENID
Let's just say "music" - that way
you only use up one...
(spots The Sidewinder)
Wait, we have to go in here for a
second...
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
They enter. Josh has his back to the counter as he makes a
complicated frozen yogurt sundae for a little girl.
ENID
Hi Josh.
JOSH
(without turning around)
Hi.
ENID
I just stopped in to say hi.
JOSH
Yeah, well... hi...
He turns around non-chalantly, holding the sundae. He looks
up and sees Enid with the guy from Wowsville (Seymour).
ENID
This is my friend Seymour.
Josh is startled and drops the sundae. The girl starts
crying. Josh immediately starts to clean up the mess. Enid,
satisfied, heads with Seymour for the door.
ENID (CONT'D)
See you later, Josh!
As the door closes, we hear a familiar voice.
BOSS
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Enid & Seymour continue walking.
SEYMOUR
(pause)
So is that your boyfriend?
ENID
Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend...
He's just this guy that Becky and I
like to torture.
SEYMOUR
Well are --
ENID
(interrupts suddenly)
Oh my god! We have to go in here!
They are in front of STAN'S, a porno shop.
SEYMOUR
Yeah, sure... very funny....
ENID
Please, Seymour... Becky and I have
been dying to go in here but we
can't get any boys to take us...
Please?
SEYMOUR
I - I'd really rather not...
ENID
We'll just go in for one minute --
it'll be a riot!
SEYMOUR
I don't think so...
ENID
PLEASE? We have to!
SEYMOUR
I really don't think it's a good
idea.
ENID
Fine, I'll go by myself then...
INT. ANTHONY'S II - DAY
Enid & Seymour enter. There are a half dozen MEN browsing
through the videos and magazines.
ENID
(whispering)
Wow! Look at all these creeps!
SEYMOUR
Shh!
ENID
OH MY GOD!
Enid runs over and grabs a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL. Everyone in the
store looks at them. Seymour blushes and sweats.
ENID
What kind of weirdo would actually
have sex with this? We have to buy
this!
She looks around, over-stimulated.
ENID (CONT'D)
God, this place is a total riot!
She picks up a magazine.
ENID (CONT'D)
Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas"
- isn't child pornography totally
illegal?
SEYMOUR
These are older women just dressed
up to look young... I think.
ANGLE ON a pair of THIGH-HIGH LEATHER FETISH BOOTS.
ENID (V.O.)
Oh my god!
WIDER ANGLE: She's in another part of the store near the
CASHIER.
ENID (CONT'D)
How much are these boots? Do you
have these in size five?
CASHIER
That's the only pair of those I
have right now. I'm getting a new
order in next week...
She spots something and gasps. She yells across the store.
ENID
OH MY GOD SEYMOUR! You have to lend
me the money to buy this.
Everyone looks at Seymour as he sheepishly approaches. He
takes out his wallet.
SEYMOUR
Uh, I don't have much money with me
right now.
ENID
C'mon, Seymour, please?
CASHIER
Why don't you come back in two
weeks - we'll be having our annuAl
Back-to-School sale.
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - LATE AFTERNOON
Rebecca is at the counter serving a long line of YUPPIES. We
can see a sign next to the counter that reads: "Answer
today's trivia question and get a free small coffee".
YUPPIE #1
I'd like a medium latte for here.
REBECCA
Can I get you a biscotti to go with
that?
YUPPIE #1
NO! Just the latte.
Enid is next wearing a RUBBER BONDAGE MASK with devil horns.
ENID (V.O.)
Give me all your money, bitch!
REBECCA
Where did you get that?
ENID
You won't believe it! Guess!
REBECCA
Where?
ENID
Anthony's II!
REBECCA
No way... when?
ENID
Just now... I went with Seymour.
REBECCA
You cunt!
FELDMAN is in line behind Enid. He's a poodle-haired, fedora
wearing eccentric in a motorized wheelchair-golf cart
contraption.
FELDMAN
Excuse me - I can't read the trivia
question!
Enid is in the way. She reads it to him.
ENID
"Where on the human body is the
'Douglas Pouch' located?"
Feldman grunts and starts to tap away on his powerbook while
Rebecca, rolling her eyes, goes to get his coffee. A DIGITAL
GRAPHIC of the FEMALE FORM on his computer screen. With a few
keyboard strokes he zeroes in on a schematic of the
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. An area behind the cervix BLINKS.
FELDMAN
Slightly below the uterus on a
female.
He takes his coffee and putters towards the door.
ENID
That guy is totally amazing.
REBECCA
He does that every single day.
YUPPIE #2
Can I get a decaf mocha to go?
REBECCA
Can I get you a...
YUPPIE #2
NO, I don't want a biscotti with
that.
YUPPIE #2 pays and leaves.
ENID
God, how can you stand all these
assholes?
REBECCA
I don't know... Some people are
okay, but mostly I feel like
poisoning everybody.
ENID
At least the wheelchair guy is sort
of entertaining...
REBECCA
He's a total asshole... He doesn't
even need that wheelchair, he's
just totally lazy!
ENID
That rules!
REBECCA
No, it doesn't. You'll see... you
get totally sick of all the creeps
and losers and weirdos.
ENID
But those are our people...
REBECCA
Yeah, well...
(pause)
So when are you going to get your
job?
ENID
I'm working on it... I've got a few
leads... it's just that right now I
have, all these projects that take
up all my time.
REBECCA
Like what?
ENID
Nothing. Don't worry... I promise
I'll get a job next week.
REBECCA
(pause)
God, I can't believe you went to
Anthony's without me.
INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - DAY
Enid and her dad are eating breakfast. A 13" TV sits on the
kitchen counter behind them.
TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
(sincere)
Hope comes in all forms. To the
endangered white stork searching
for wetlands it comes in the form
of a sanctuary provided by people
who care. Do people care? Chevron
does. That's why at Chevron we're
just as concerned...
DAD
Are you still looking for a job? Do
you have any leads?
ENID
Will you get off my back for once?
DAD
It's tough to find a good job
without any kind of training.
ENID
Look, I told you I'm not going to
college.
DAD
Well, I think it's good to keep all
your options open. You can always
enroll for the winter quarter.
You,could even live here and go to
the city college part time, and
still get a job if you wanted to.
ENID
Look at me -- I'm not even
listening to a word you're saying.
Pause.
DAD
Did I tell you who I ran into at
the bagel place?
ENID
(reading cereal box)
Who?
DAD
Guess.
ENID
How should I know?
DAD
Someone from the past.
ENID
Who?
DAD
Give up?
ENID
YES.
DAD
Maxine.
ENID
Not the Maxine?
DAD
Yup.
ENID
God, how horrifying.
INT. COLLEGE COFFEE HOUSE DAY
Enid and Rebecca sit in a semi-crowded college hang-out.
REBECCA
... you don't have to make a
million dollars -- just get any
stupid job so we can at least start
looking for an apartment.
ENID
(thoughtful pause)
I wonder if I hang around with you
because you're like my surrogate
mother figure or something. Like I
have this subconscious biological
need to be nagged and bitched at
constantly.
REBECCA
You hang out with me because nobody
else can stand to be around you.
ENID
Or maybe... did you ever think that
deep down we really might be
lesbos? Maybe that's why we spend
so much time together.
REBECCA
You're gross.
(pause)
See that guy?
ENID
Which one?
REBECCA
He gives me a total boner!
ENID
He's like the biggest idiot of all
time!
The guy, a COLLEGE SOPHOMORE, walks by them with two friends.
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE
Are you guys up for some reggae
tonight?
REBECCA
Okay, you're right.
ENID
(whispers)
Heads up.
An earnest "ALTERNATIVE-ROCK" GUY approaches Rebecca. He
hands her a flyer.
GUY
Hey, my band is playing here on
Friday night and uh... there's
gonna be a bunch of cool bands
playing and stuff and you don't
have to pay if you show this flyer
at the door... you should come
check it out.
REBECCA
(shyly)
Thanks ...
(she looks away)
Enid takes the flyer from Rebecca.
There are a bunch of bands listed.
ENID
Which one is your band?
GUY
Alien Autopsy.
ENID
(sarcastic)
Bitchin'.
GUY
(embarrassing pause; then,
to Rebecca)
Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you
there...
(pause; walks away)
ENID
What a dork!
REBECCA
You're just jealous.
ENID
Yeah, right... Believe me, at this
point I'm over the fact that every
single guy likes you better than
met!
REBECCA
Face it, you hate every single boy
on the face of the earth!
ENID
That's not true, I just hate all
these obnoxious, extroverted,
pseudo-bohemian losers!
(sad pause)
Sometimes I think I act so weird
because I'm crazy from sexual
frustration.
REBECCA
Haven't you heard about the miracle
of masturbation?
ENID
(sighs)
... maybe we should be lesbos ...
REBECCA
Get away from me!
INT. ENID'S FANTASY - EVENING
Starts on full moon in night sky, framed right --
DISSOLVE TO:
... a dark moonlit room. Enid lies on her stomach in bed. We
MOVE IN CLOSER to her head as though entering her thoughts,
which slowly fade in: WE MOVE TOWARD a vertical sliver of
light -- a cracked-open bathroom door.
WE MOVE into the bathroom and see Enid taking a shower. Josh
enters, dressed in a black suit, holding a large bouquet of
flowers. CUT. We start again, exactly as before, only without
the flowers. He starts to take off his clothes. CUT. He
enters again and gets right in the shower, fully clothed.
They begin to kiss. After a passionate moment, the door
opens. Rebecca stands there, stunned.
CUT BACK TO:
We see only the slightest trace of Enid in the darkness. She
sighs.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
CLOSE-UP ON a charcoal portrait of DON KNOTTS.
ROBERTA
Who is this, Enid?
ENID
It's supposed to be Don Knotts.
ROBERTA
And what was your reason for
choosing him as your subject?
ENID
I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.
ROBERTA
I see... interesting...
She moves on.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
What do we have here, Margaret?
MARGARET
It's a tampon in a teacup...
Class GIGGLES.
ROBERTA
I can see that... now what can you
tell us about it? First of all,
what kind of sculpture is this?
MARGARET
It's a "found object"... that's
when an artist takes an ordinary
object and places it in an artistic
context and thus it becomes art.
ROBERTA
Very good. Now, what can you tell
us about it in regard to your
artistic intent?
MARGARET
I guess I see the teacup as a
symbol for womanhood, because of
tea parties in the olden days, but
instead of tea I was trying to kind
of confront people with this...
like...
ROBERTA
This shocking image of repressed
femininity!
MARGARET
Right, exactly!
ROBERTA
I think it's really a wonderful
piece, Margaret!
Enid gives Margaret another dirty look.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
This illustrates perfectly what I
was saying about not being afraid
to use controversial imagery,
class...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - DUSK
Seymour drives. Enid plays with the radio stopping on an
obnoxious AM Disc Jockey.
DISC JOCKEY
KFTO comin' atchya on this
beautiful evening.
SEYMOUR
God, that asshole's voice is so
hateful! No wonder I never listen
to the radio!
ENID
(shutting it off)
Relax, Seymour, relax...
SEYMOUR
That thing is just so shrill and
piercing and loud - it's like
someone jabbing me in the face!
(imitating insincere DJ
voice)
KFTO comin' atchya on this
beautiful evening...
She changes the subject and holds up a 78 record.
ENID
So, why did you bring this along?
SEYMOUR
I brought it for him to autograph.
He's going to be amazed to see it -
it's one of two known copies... I
can't believe they have him for the
opening act and not the headliner.
What an insult!
ENID
This bar's going to be packed with
girls for you to pick from.
SEYMOUR
I'm not holding my breath in that
department.
Seymour waits at a stop sign for two OBLIVIOUS OVERWEIGHT
WOMEN, each with TODDLERS and baby carriages, to cross..
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
What are we, in slow motion here?!
What are ya, hypnotized? Have some
more kids, why don't you?... For
Christ's sake, would you move!?
ENID
Jesus, Seymour.
EXT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
A marquee reads, "TONITE: BLUESHAMMER also FRED CHATMAN"
INT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
FRED CHATMAN, age 82, plays an acoustic blues number. He's
good, but he's being politely ignored for the most part by
the TWENTY-SOMETHING PATRONS. Most of them are more
interested in a baseball game showing on a big-screen TV.
SEYMOUR
I can't believe these people! They
could at least turn off their
stupid sports game until he's done
playing!
FRED finishes to POLITE APPLAUSE. An M.C. takes the mic.
M.C.
Let's hear it for Fred Chatman
(a little more APPLAUSE)
Hey don't go away because we've got
Blueshammer coming up in just a
minute!
A CUTE GIRL, mid-20's, stands near their table sipping her
drink. Enid nods in her direction for Seymour's benefit as if
to say, "check it out."
SEYMOUR
Yes, that would certainly do...
ENID
Well, offer her a seat! You want me
to do it?
SEYMOUR
Wait a minute! Hang on! Jesus, I
gotta think of something to talk to
her about. No! No...
ENID
Just wait here.
Enid gets up before Seymour can stop her and talks to CUTE
GIRL who looks back at Seymour and smiles. She goes to join
him. Enid walks off in the direction of the bar, giving
Seymour a "thumbs up."
CUTE GIRL
Hi.
SEYMOUR
Hello. Uh... that was great music,
huh?
CUTE GIRL
(sitting down)
Yeah, I just love blues.
SEYMOUR
Actually, technically what he was
mostly playing would more
accurately be classified in the
"ragtime" idiom. Although of course
not in the strictest sense of the
more classical ragtime piano music
like that of Scott Joplin or Joseph
Lamb. Authentic Blues has a more
conventional twelve-bar structure
in its stanzas.
CUTE GIRL
Oh if you like authentic blues,
you've just gotta see Blueshammer!
They're so great!
ANGLE ON: Enid standing alone at the bar. We see Seymour and
Cute Girl from her POV. Her gaze drifts to the other people
in the bar. WE MOVE OVER the faces of all the guys and stop
on a skinny, introverted-looking guy with a pool-cue. He
makes a shot and instantly goes into an ostentatious cue
twirling routine. Her gaze drifts on.
She sees herself in a mirror behind the bar and takes off her
hat reconfiguring her hair. She reaches into her purse and
puts on a bulkier pair of glasses. This is interrupted by
BLUESHAMMER taking the stage. Young, white, cocky, pretty
boys.
LANCE
(LEAD SINGER)
All right people! Are you ready to
BOOGIE? Cuz we gwine play you some
authentic, way-down-in-the-delta
blues to rock your world! One, Two,
Three...
A din of loud noise. CUTE GIRL immediately leaps to her feet,
boogeying to the music.
Several horny ALPHA MALES press in on Seymour (who's still
sitting), spilling his drink as they vie to dance with her.
Seymour extricates himself from the table and walks toward
the bar where Enid sits.
SEYMOUR
What did you tell that girl?
ENID
I told her you were a big record
executive and you were thinking of
signing that band to your label.
SEYMOUR
Jesus...
INT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - NIGHT
SEYMOUR
Now I remember why I haven't gone
anywhere in months. I'm not even in
the same universe as those
creatures back there. I might as
well be from another planet.
ENID
We just need to figure out a place
where you can meet somebody who
isn't a total idiot, that's all.
SEYMOUR
Look, I really appreciate your
help, Enid, but let's face it, this
is hopeless.
ENID
It's not hopeless...
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well it's simple for
everybody else - give 'em a Big Mat
and a pair of Nikes and they're
happy! I just can't relate to 99.9%
of humanity.
ENID
Yeah, well, I can't relate to
humanity either, but I don't think
it's totally hopeless...
SEYMOUR
But it's not totally hopeless for
you... I've had it. I don't even
have the energy to try anymore.
You should make sure you do the
exact opposite of everything I do
so you don't end up like me...
ENID
I'd rather end up like you than
those people at that stupid bar...
At least you're an interesting
person... at least you're not
exactly like everybody else...
SEYMOUR
Hooray for me.
INT. SEYMOUR'S APT. - NIGHT
Enid walks in behind Seymour.
SEYMOUR
I'm not sure I have anything to
drink... there might be some --
ENID
It doesn't matter, I'm not staying
long... I just want to make sure I
convince you not to give up yet.
SEYMOUR
"Yet."
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
They both have drinks now. He puts on a jazz record, an
instrumental.
ENID
(picks up an antique knick
knack)
Wow, this is so cool...
SEYMOUR
If you don't mind my asking -- why
do you care so much if I get a date
or not?
ENID
I dunno... because I can't stand
the idea of a world where a guy
like you can't get a date...
Enid finds a PAINTING leaning in a pile of stuff against the
wall in the corner. It's an old-fashioned cartoony stereotype
of a black man's head, with big lips and a huge toothy smile.
ENID (CONT'D)
What the fuck, Seymour?! What is
this?
SEYMOUR
What?... Oh that... I borrowed that
from work about fifteen years
ago... I guess it's mine now.
ENID
What, are you a klansman or
something?
SEYMOUR
Yeah, right, I'm a klansman -
thanks a lot!... Do you know the
Cook's Chicken franchise?
ENID
(quoting TV commercial in
deep voice)
"Four-piece Cook's special deep
fried with side n' slaw it's OUT
RAY-GEOUS"!
SEYMOUR
Yeah, well "Cook's" is just a made
up name. When they originally
opened back in 1922 they were named
"the Coon Chicken Inn" -- that's an
early painting of their first logo.
He takes out a scrapbook.
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
I'm obsessed with all this stuff -
this lost culture of the 20th
century.
She looks through the scrapbook - we see the Coon Chicken
logo transform first into a less stereotyped black man, then
into an older distinguished black chef with the logo "Cook's
Chicken Inn." Then to a white version of the same chef,
followed by a female white chef, then to a streamlined 90's
version. On another page is a collection of cosmetic labels
tracing the design evolution of a different company.
ENID
Why doesn't everybody know this?
The record ends. Seymour gets up to take it off the
turntable.
SEYMOUR
(somewhat bitterly)
It's ancient history. The same
reason nobody knows about this
Lionel Belasco record.
He puts on another record.
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
Actually, I was a whole lot more
interested in the Cook's phenomenon
when I was about your age. I've
kind of lost interest since I've
been working for them...
ENID
You work at Cook's Chicken?
SEYMOUR
For nineteen years...
ENID
What are you, a fry cook or
something?
SEYMOUR
Nothing so glamorous... actually,
I'm an assistant manager at their
corporate headquarters.
ENID
Jesus, I'd go nuts if I had to work
in an office all day.
SEYMOUR
Hey, I get good benefits, a good
early retirement plan, nobody ever
bothers me...
ENID
Yeah, but still...
SEYMOUR
I make enough money to eat and buy
old records... what more do I want?
Enid puts down the scrapbook, stares at the painting.
ENID
So, I don't really get it -- are
you saying that things were better
back then
(points at painting)
even though there was stuff like
this?
SEYMOUR
No, in a lot of ways things are
better now... I dunno... it's
complicated. Everybody still hates
each other, but they know how to
hide it better, or something...
ENID
(suddenly)
Hey, can I borrow this?
SEYMOUR
What? Why?
ENID
I promise I'll take good care of
it.
SEYMOUR
I dunno... they're very sensitive
at work about all this stuff. Maybe
it would be better if you --
ENID
Don't you trust me, Seymour?
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
We see another wall of student art dominated this time by
Enid's (Seymour's) 3' x 4' painting.
ROBERTA
Let's address some discussion to
this piece.
SNOTTY GIRL
I don't like it.
ROBERTA
Can you tell us why?
SNOTTY GIRL
I don't know.
HIPPY-ISH BOY
I think it's totally weak.
BLACK GIRL
Yeah, it's not right.
More kids respond at once. Even Margaret is confused.
ROBERTA
These are all valid comments, but I
think we should see if the artist
has anything to bring to this.
ENID
Well, I got the idea when I was
doing some research and I
discovered that Cook's Chicken used
to be called Coon's Chicken, and so
I decided to do my project based on
this discovery as kind of a comment
on racism... and the way racism is
whitewashed over in our culture...
ROBERTA
Did you actually do this painting?
ENID
Well, no - it's more like a "found
art object."
ROBERTA
And how do you think this addresses
the subject of racism?
ENID
It's complicated... I guess I'm
trying to show how racism used to --
more out in the open and now it's
hidden, or something...
ROBERTA
And how does an image like this
help us to see that?
ENID
I'm not sure... I mean...
(thinks)
I guess because when we see
something like this it seems really
shocking and we have to figure out
why it's so shocking?
A long pause as Roberta and the class stare at the painting.
ROBERTA
I don't really know what to say,
Enid...
(another over-long pause)
... It's a remarkable achievement.
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING
Enid is lying on her back with her head on Rebecca's stomach.
Both stare blankly at the ceiling.
REBECCA
Are you kidding? It's a dream job!
I can't believe you got a job like
that without even trying... God, I
wish that was my job...
ENID
(trying to generate some
enthusiasm)
Yeah, maybe it'll be okay. At least
I'll get to see every movie for
free, I guess... I had to lie and
tell them I already graduated...
REBECCA
When are you finally going to get
your diploma?
ENID
I dunno, but next week is my last
class...
REBECCA
Anyway, now we can start looking
for the apartment...
(waits for some response
from Enid, but there is
none)
Do you remember when we first came
up with that whole idea of renting
our own apartment?
ENID
Wasn't it like eighth grade?
REBECCA
Seventh... you wanted to move out
right then!
ENID
That must have been when my dad was
married to Maxine...
REBECCA
I remember our big plan was as soon
as we got the apartment we were
going to trick Daniel Dusentrieb
into coming over and then fuck him.
ENID
We were such desperate sluts back
then.
INT. PACIFIC THEATER - AFTERNOON
Enid is behind the candy counter dressed in a brown and
orange uniform.
MANAGER
I'm gonna let you handle the four
thirty crowd by yourself - that way
I can evaluate your performance
while it's slow and ease you into
the bigger crowds.
ENID
You can count on me, sir!
A customer, an ALCOHOLIC LOSER, approaches the candy counter.
LOSER
Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
ENID
I wish!... actually you wish...
after about five minutes of this
movie you'll wish to God you had
about ten beers!
LOSER stares blankly, hesitates, then goes into theater.
MANAGER
(pulling her aside)
What are you doing? You don't ever
criticize the feature!
ENID
Why? What difference does it make?
You already got his money...
MANAGER
Look, that's the policy... if you
want to make up your own rules you
can open your own theater...
ENID
But I was only trying to be
friendly...
MANAGER
Look, we don't pay you to be a
movie critic -- just do your job.
ENID
Okay, okay... I won't say a word...
ANOTHER ANGLE - an hour has gone by.
CUSTOMER
Medium popcorn.
ENID
That's three dollars.
CUSTOMER
Let me have plenty of butter on
that.
ENID
Ewww!...
(making a face)
Here you go -- smothered in
delicious yellow-chemical sludge!
MANAGER
(pulling her aside)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
ENID
What? I'm just kidding around with
the customers... It's my shtick!
MANAGER
Well lose it! And why aren't you
pushing the large sizes? Didn't you
get training about upsizing?
ENID
But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.
MANAGER
It's not optional!
ENID
Jesus...
CUSTOMER #2
Can I get a medium sprite?
ENID
A medium sprite? Why sir, do you
not know that for a mere twenty
five cents more you could purchase
a large beverage that has a volume
of over twice that of a puny medium
drink?
(she gives MANAGER a look)
... I'm only telling you this
because we're such good friends --
Medium is strictly for suckers who
don't understand the concept of
value!
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY
Rebecca is behind the counter glaring at Enid.
REBECCA
What are you talking about? What
kind of loser gets fired after one
day?!
ENID
I told you - my manager was a total
asshole! Don't worry, I'm going to
get another job... and anyway, I
have some ideas for how to make
money in the meantime...
An angry CUSTOMER returns with her drink.
CUSTOMER
I'm not at all happy with this
latte what do you intend to do
about it?
EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
It's the next day. Enid has set up a GARAGE SALE in front of
her apartment building. Rebecca arrives.
REBECCA
This is it? I can't believe you're
selling some of this stuff.
ENID
Fuck it. Everything must go!
REBECCA
Oh my god, I remember this hat...
this was during your little old
lady phase...
A trendy young HIPSTER happens along and looks through the
clothes, then to the table where he picks up a ridiculous
looking stuffed animal.
HIPSTER
How much is this?
ENID
That's not for sale.
HIPSTER
(noticing price tag)
Wait, it says five dollars...
ENID
Oh, that's a mistake -- I decided
not to sell it...
The HIPSTER looks around a little more and then leaves.
REBECCA
What was that all about? I thought
everything must go!
ENID
Oh yeah right, like I'm gonna let
some asshole with a goatee own
Goofy Gus.
A couple is browsing. The GIRL, a severely skinny, CLUBHOPPER
TYPE in platform shoes looks at the clothes; the BOY, a long
haired SKATEBOARDER, goes through her records.
GIRL
How much is this dress?
REBECCA
Oh my god, you're selling that?
ENID
(long pause)
That's five hundred dollars.
GIRL
What?
ENID
Five hundred.
GIRL
You're crazy -- it should be like
two dollars!
ENID
I was wearing that dress the day I
lost my virginity.
GIRL
Well why do I care about that?
ENID
Why do you even want it?. It would
look stupid on you.
GIRL
God, fuck you!
Enid turns to the boy - he's holding some records and a book.
ENID
Put that stuff back, it's not for
sale.
BOY
What is this? Some fuckin' joke?
ENID
Yes! Go away!
They stomp off.
REBECCA
Now are you going to get a regular
job?
ENID
(defeated, quiet)
Don't worry.
REBECCA
If it makes you feel any better, I
don't think you could've gotten
more than ten bucks for all this
stuff.
ENID
Yeah, thanks.
EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
Twenty minutes later. Most of the stuff is gone. Enid packs
up one last box to carry inside.
REBECCA
Do you want to do something
tonight?
ENID
I can't, it's Seymour's birthday...
(suddenly)
Shit! What time is it? I have to go
to the store! I was going to make
him a cake...
REBECCA
(miffed, sighs)
Well, are we still going shopping
tomorrow?
ENID
Yeah, I guess... call me...
She heads toward the stairs with the box. Rebecca watches her
go.
REBECCA
Since when can you make a cake?
INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - EVENING
Enid presents Seymour with a HOSTESS CUPCAKE with a single
lit candle in the center. The lights are off.
ENID
You can open your eyes now.
SEYMOUR
Oh... uh, thanks a lot Enid... I
really appreciate it...
ENID
No, Doofus... blow it out!
He leans forward and blows out the candle, then abruptly
straightens up and holds the small of his back in pain. Enid
turns the lights back on.
SEYMOUR
Arrrghhh! Ah Jeez... Christ...
ENID
Are you okay?
SEYMOUR
It's just my stupid back. I'll be
all right in a minute...
She notices him adjust something under his shirt.
ENID
What is that?
SEYMOUR
Oh... uh... It's just this elastic
thing I have to wear for lumbar
support...
ENID
What, like a girdle?
SEYMOUR
Maybe now you understand why I
can't get a date.
ENID
Yeah, well, you're not the only one
Everybody I know has totally fucked
up problems... It seems like only
stupid people have good
relationships...
SEYMOUR
(sarcastically cheering
her on)
That's the spirit!
ENID
I mean, I'm eighteen years old and
I've never even had a real, steady
boyfriend for more than like two
weeks!
SEYMOUR
Really?
ENID
Never...
SEYMOUR
I'm starting to think that even if
I did get a girlfriend it really
wouldn't change anything.
ENID
I know. It's not like it makes all
your problems go away.
SEYMOUR
Then again, that's easy for me to
say, since I'll never even get a
date. I'm sure you have hundreds of
guys who are interested in you.
ENID
Actually, I've got a total crush on
this one guy right now, but it's a
really fucked-up situation...
SEYMOUR
Oh yeah?
ENID
Oh wait, you met him... remember
that guy Josh? I'm like practically
obsessed with him, but I can't do
anything about it because Becky
would freak out.
SEYMOUR
Why?
ENID
Never mind, it's way too
complicated...
(pause)
Did you have problems like this
when you were my age - where you're
totally confused all the time?
SEYMOUR
I won't even dignify that with a
response.
He gets up and looks through his shelves for a record.
ENID
(looking at his records)
I wonder if you really like all
these old records or if you only
like the fact that nobody else
likes them?
SEYMOUR
(a sore subject)
Who knows?
The phone RINGS. Seymour ignores it.
ENID
Aren't you going to get that?
SEYMOUR
Let the machine get it. I have no
desire to talk to anyone who would
be calling me...
After several more RINGS the machine picks up and we hear
Seymour's message. After the BEEP there's a long fumbling
pause...
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
I knew it... it's my mother.
VOICE ON MACHINE
Uh... HI! Uh... I'm calling for...
um... you placed an ad in the
Weekly over a month ago and...
well, I'm the redhead in the yellow
dress... at least I think I am... I
saw the ad when you first placed it
but I was in this relationship at
the time so I cut it out, and now
I'm not in the relationship
anymore...
(giggles)
God, this is really confusing...
anyway, if you still want to talk
to me I can be reached at KL5-2603,
that's my work number and my name
is Dana... um... BYE!
ENID
Wow!
(feigning ignorance)
What was that all about?
SEYMOUR
It's just somebody's idea of a
joke...
ENID
That didn't sound like a joke to
me... what, did you write a
personal ad or something?
SEYMOUR
(still confused)
Uh yeah. A long time ago... she
called before once... it's just
somebody trying to humiliate me.
ENID
Seymour! I promise you that wasn't
a joke -- you have to call her
back!
SEYMOUR
How can you be so sure?
ENID
Well, uh... I'm an expert-about
stuff like this -- she was totally
for real!
INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - ABOUT 10 PM
Enid enters - a light is on in the kitchen.
DAD (O.S.)
Pumpkin? Could you come in here for
a minute?
She walks slowly to the kitchen - a suspenseful moment. She
sees, first, her Dad (wearing an apron) and then, a
hauntingly familiar MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
DAD (CONT'D)
Pumpkin, do you remember Maxine?
MAXINE
Hi, Enid.
ENID
Hi.
(to Dad)
Look, I'm kind of tired - I think
I'll go to bed.
DAD
I made spaghetti. Do you want some?
ENID
I-I really have to get up early for
class tomorrow.
MAXINE
It's really quite something to see
you all grown up like this, Enid.
(no response from Enid)
I'd love to hear about what you're
doing. I can't help but feel that I
had some small part in how you
turned out...
(another silent pause)
What are you studying? You were
always such a smart little girl.
ENID
I'm taking a remedial high school
art class for fuck-ups and retards.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
A toothy, zit-covered 14-YEAR-OLD BOY poses with a very
poorly-made sculpture. A flash goes off and he jumps
slightly, sending pieces of his sculpture flying.
It's Roberta, taking photos. She moves on to Enid, in front
of her big painting.
ROBERTA
Smile, Enid...
Enid ad-libs a weird expression as... the flash goes off.
Roberta now turns to address the class.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
I'm going to miss you people... I
feel that we've all done a lot of
growing this summer. I hope that
each of you feels as though you'll
be taking away something from this
experience; I know I certainly will
be...
A long "poignant" pause as she smiles admiringly at them.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
Remember, the art show is this
Saturday at seven-thirty sharp. Try
to get there at least 15 minutes
early.
The students get their things together and file out.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
Enid, can I talk to you for a
minute?
ENID
Uh-oh.
ROBERTA
Don't worry - it's nothing bad. I
was just wondering what your plans
were for next year?
ENID
I'm not really sure - working, I
guess...
ROBERTA
Well, I know this is really short
notice, but I got a call from a
very close friend at the Academy of
Art & Design and she tells me that
I'm allowed to place one student
from your graduating class in a one
year scholarship program...
and, well, I hope you don't mind,
Enid, but I took the liberty of
submitting your name.
She gives her a booklet and an application form.
ENID
Hmm.
ROBERTA
As far as I know it includes
housing and meals and everything...
it is really quite an offer...
ENID
... wow...
ROBERTA
(pause)
So what do you think?
ENID
I dunno... Would I have to take
classes and stuff?
ROBERTA
Well, yes...
ENID
I...
ROBERTA
Let me know as soon as you can,
Enid. This could be a great thing
for you.
INT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Enid & Rebecca are in a Crate & Barrel-type store looking at
housewares.
ENID
I think one of us should fuck
Josh...
REBECCA
Go ahead...
ENID
No, really...
REBECCA
God, you're really obsessed...
ENID
I am not -- I just think it'd be
funny to see what he'd do...
REBECCA
I thought we decided that Josh was
way too cool to be interested in
sex, and that he's the only decent
person left in the world and we
would never want to bring him down
to our level and all that...
ENID
Yeah, but maybe one of us should at
least try...
REBECCA
No matter what happened it would be
a big disaster... Let's just try
and keep everything the way it is.
Rebecca spots some particularly fetching dishware.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
Look, we have to get these...
ENID
I can't afford stuff like this
right now.
REBECCA
I'm sick of waiting - we need to
start getting stuff if we're ever
going to move.
(pause, sees towels)
Aren't these the greatest towels?
ENID
Why do you care about this kind of
stuff?
REBECCA
Don't you want nice stuff?
ENID
I can't imagine spending money on
towels.
REBECCA
You don't have to. I'll pay for all
the stuff right now and you can pay
me back when you finally get a job.
ENID
You're insane.
REBECCA
Do you still want to go to that
thing tonight?
ENID
What thing?
REBECCA
That guy's band is playing
tonight... Alien Autopsy.
ENID
Oh yeah... maybe... Seymour's going
on his big date tonight and I kind
of want to be around when he calls,
so I can hear how bad it went.
REBECCA
God, I'm so sick of Seymour.
INT. DANA'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Seymour is just finishing the dinner DANA has cooked for them
at her place. Dana is an attractive redhead, about 40.
SEYMOUR
That was great - jeez, thanks again
for cooking all this.
DANA
Oh I love to cook. I guess most
women wouldn't invite a man over on
the first date, but I believe you
should trust your instincts. When I
talked to you on the phone you just
seemed so... I don't know...
harmless. Ready for ice cream?
Dana heads for the kitchen. Seymour gets up to relieve his
backache. He walks over to a framed photo on the wall.
DANA (CONT'D)
Here we are... it's mocha mint from
Lickety Splits. Oh, isn't that
photograph just heart-rending?
SEYMOUR
Yeah ... where is this? Bosnia?
DANA
Was it Bosnia? I forget...
(pause)
It's so sad, the tragedy of an
entire country eloquently captured
in the face of one little boy.
(pause)
A Soul/Funk song starts up on the radio that catches her
attention. She goes over and turns it up.
DANA (CONT'D)
Oh, I just love this song! Isn't it
great? Doesn't it make you want to
dance? C'mon!
SEYMOUR
Uh, well, that's okay - I don't
dance, heh, heh...
DANA
Don't be silly, anyone can dance.
Here, just follow me... watch my
feet.
SEYMOUR
No, really I --
She drags him around. He's still holding his ice cream.
DANA
C'mon Seymour, it's all in your
mind. Just loosen up and feel the
music! Here, put down your bowl of
ice cream.
She takes his ice cream and puts it on a table.
SEYMOUR
(checking his watch)
Hey, it's nearly nine already -
we're gonna have to leave now if
we're going to make that movie.
DANA
Oh, all right... Party-pooper! Just
let me put a few things away.
She shuts off the stereo as he sits and eats his ice cream.
DANA (CONT'D)
I'm so excited to see this film -
Dustoffvarnya is such a brilliant
director! Did you see his last
film, The Flower That Drank The
Moon? It was simply glorious!
SEYMOUR
Uh, no. I missed that one. But what
do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy
movies.
DANA
Really? I never really cared for
those. Why does the fat one always
have to be so mean to the skinny
one?
INT. ENID'S ROOM - EVENING
It's 9:30 PM. Enid is drawing in her sketchbook. She looks
impatiently at the phone. Time passes - it's 11 PM. She can't
stand it anymore.
INT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Seymour picks up the phone. Dana is in the background getting
some ice in the kitchen.
SEYMOUR
Uh... hello?
ENID
Hi, it's me...
SEYMOUR
Oh, hi...
ENID
So, what happened?
SEYMOUR
(almost whispering)
Actually, it's kind of still
happening... she's over here right
now... I think everything's going
pretty well...
ENID
What? You're kidding me...
SEYMOUR
Yeah, so I better go -- it's not
really the best time to talk...
ENID
What, are you going to like have
sex with her on your first date?
SEYMOUR
Jesus, Enid... I'll talk to you
later... bye!
He hangs up. Enid is stunned... Now what? She calls Rebecca.
INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rebecca is sitting on the couch in her pajamas when the phone
RINGS. She picks it up.
REBECCA
Hello?
ENID
Do you still want to do something
tonight?
REBECCA
What happened to Seymour?
ENID
(still shocked by this)
I can't believe it - he actually
scored!
REBECCA
How repulsive!
ENID
So should I come over?
REBECCA
Actually, I'm just about to go out
with some friends...
ENID
What are you talking about? Who?
REBECCA
Just some people from work...
ENID
I don't believe you.
REBECCA
Yeah well, you said you were
busy... look, I'd better get
going... I'll call you tomorrow.
Rebecca hangs up. Clearly, she's not going anywhere.
EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Enid stands outside Josh's door. A tentative pause; then she
knocks. Josh opens the door, stunned. Enid is wearing an
uncharacteristically "sexy" outfit.
JOSH
Hi... what's up?
ENID
Can I come in?
INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
She goes in and looks around nervously... the note (Tiffany &
Amber) is tacked to the wall.
JOSH
Are you the one who left that note?
ENID
I guess.
Pause. Enid sits down on futon/sofa.
JOSH
So what's up?
He picks up half-finished beer and drinks self-consciously.
ENID
I don't know... I'm totally
confused...
Josh doesn't respond - there's another awkward pause.
ENID (CONT'D)
Sit over here.
He sits, tentatively. Long pause.
JOSH
Do you want something to drink?
ENID
Why?
JOSH
What do you mean "why"?
ENID
Are you trying to get me wasted so
you can take advantage of my
womanly charms?
JOSH
Yeah, right...
ENID
"Yeah, right"... well why not?
What's so wrong with me?
JOSH
Nothing.
ENID
Then why do you hate me so much?
JOSH
When did I say I hated you?
ENID
You've never once said anything
even remotely nice to me.
JOSH
You make me nervous! I always feel
like you're going out of your way
to make me feel uncomfortable so
you can laugh at me!
ENID
That's just the way I am!
JOSH
Yeah, well --
ENID
It's just my stupid way of getting
attention! God, I practically love
you, Josh!
Stunned pause, then she bravely leans forward and kisses him.
He kisses back but she is clearly the aggressor... they get
more and more into it.
ENID (CONT'D)
Do you have any protection?
INT. JOSH'S APT. - 1 AM.
Later, post-coital on the now unfolded futon... Enid lies on
her back, Josh is face-down on top of her with his head to
the side. Enid has a blank, disillusioned stare.
JOSH
(now he's romantic and
sappy)
You must have known all along how I
-- you know -- how I felt about you
-- it must be totally obvious...
God... I always used to dream about
this...
ENID
(staring ahead)
Why do you have that stupid poster?
INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - DAY
It's the next morning. Josh is asleep. Enid, fully awake and
dressed, sits on the bed looking at him, thoroughly
disillusioned. She pulls out a record from his collection and
grimaces. She opens a closet door and finds an electric
guitar.
JOSH
(waking up, groggy,
happily surprised)
Oh, hi...
ENID
Why do all guys have to,play stupid
guitars? It's so typical... Either
they're into cars or guns or sports
or guitars... it's so obvious...
JOSH
How long have you been up?
ENID
I couldn't sleep... I should get
going; I feel really weird...
JOSH
Do you want to go get breakfast
somewhere?
ENID
I don't think we should... Look,
you have to totally promise me you
won't tell Becky about this.
JOSH
Why not?
ENID
Because if you do, I'll kill you!
JOSH
Okay... I promise.
ENID
Just take my word for it... if she
ever finds out about this I'll
never hear the end of it...
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - DAY
Rebecca is dressed in her best apartment-hunting outfit. She
sits on her bed, dialing the phone with the FREE WEEKLY open
on her lap. She circles something with her pen while the
phone rings.
REBECCA
Goddammit, bitch -- where are you?
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM -DAY
Enid lies perfectly still on her bed, staring at the ceiling
while the phone rings.
EXT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME
Establish the restaurant.
INT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME
Seymour sits alone eating lunch. We see Enid approach
stealthily from behind.
ENID
Boo!
SEYMOUR
(very startled)
YAAA!
She sits across from him.
ENID
Where have you been? I've been
looking all over for you... I've
been wandering the streets day and
night trying to find you...
SEYMOUR
Really?
ENID
No, actually Joe told me you were
here... so how come you never call
me anymore?
SEYMOUR
I know, I'm sorry... I-I've been
really busy...
ENID
Yeah, I'll bet! So, how's it going
with what's-her-name? Dana?
SEYMOUR
(he looks nervously at his
watch)
Oh... pretty well, surprisingly...
you know...
ENID
So, what kind of stuff do you guys
do together? Is she into old
records and stuff?
SEYMOUR
Sort of... she doesn't dislike any
of that stuff... she's trying,
anyway... actually, we're supposed
to go antique shopping for her
apartment this afternoon...
ENID
(not convinced)
Sounds good...
Seymour looks again at his watch.
SEYMOUR
We really should get together
sometime soon... I-I'll definitely
call you this week --
ENID
What, are you trying to get rid of
me?
SEYMOUR
No... no, it's just that I should
get going in a few minutes, and --
ENID
Aren't you even going to ask me how
I'm doing?
SEYMOUR
I-I'm sorry... uh so... uh... how --
ENID
I dunno... okay, I guess...
(pause)
I fucked that gay Josh finally...
SEYMOUR
... so... is he your boyfriend now?
ENID
Maybe... I dunno... He wants to be,
of course. I'm weighing several
offers at the present time...
Suddenly, Dana enters.
DANA
Seymour?... uh... hello... I guess
I'm a little early...
SEYMOUR
Dana! Hi!
(pause as the gears whirl)
Uh, Dana... this is Enid...
DANA
Hello...
ENID
It's great to finally meet you!
Dana sits next to Seymour, facing Enid.
DANA
(looking back and forth
between Enid and Seymour)
How do you two know each other?
ENID
I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned
me we're old friends.
DANA
Really?
ENID
Yes, we're very close... In fact, I
was standing right next to Seymour
the first time you called. If not
for me, he would have never called
you back!
DANA
Is that right?
Seymour begins to stammer some kind of response.
ENID
(phony)
Oops! Look at the time! I've got to
run! I'll stop by to see you some
time, Seymour...
(then to Dana)
It was really great to meet you!
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING
Enid is in her room getting dressed. Dad enters.
DAD
I have some good news for you,
Pumpkin.
ENID
(sigh)
What is it now?
DAD
Are you still looking for a job?
ENID
I guess.
DAD
Well, Maxine thinks she can get you
a sales job at Computer Station.
Normally you have to have
references and at least two years
of experience, but she thinks she
can convince them.
ENID
Tell her to forget it - I don't
need her help.
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - EVENING
A homemade banner reads: "HIGH SCHOOL ART SHOW - BROTHERHOOD
AND COMMUNITY: ART AS DIALOGUE." Along one wall is all the
work from Roberta's class: a collection of eccentric abstract
bric-a-brac and Enid's large painting. The painting has drawn
a small crowd. We see a chain of events beginning with three
PARENTS talking to a matronly DIRECTOR/CURATOR who in turn
seeks out Roberta (wearing make-up and fancy-ish clothes for
the first time).
DIRECTOR
I'm afraid you're simply going to
have to take that painting down.
Several of the parents have
complained.
ROBERTA
I will do no such thing.
DIRECTOR
Then you leave me no other choice
than to remove it myself!
She marches towards it. Roberta runs after her.
ROBERTA
I think we should give the artist a
chance to talk to the parents about
her intentions with this piece...
We should be promoting discussion
as a solution, not censorship.
Roberta sees Margaret and grabs her.
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
Margaret, have you seen Enid?
Margaret shrugs "no." ROBERTA looks through the crowd. A
college-age news-hack-type with a FREE WEEKLY T-SHIRT snaps a
photo of the DIRECTOR removing Enid's painting.
EXT. SEYMOUR'S APT. BLDG. - EVENING
Enid, dressed as though for a glamorous date, stands knocking
on Seymour's door.
SEYMOUR
Oh... uh, hi... What's up?
INT. SEYMOUR'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS
Enid worms her way past his unwelcoming stance. Seymour is
wearing designer stone-washed denim jeans that look
ridiculous on him. Joe can be seen in the kitchen.
ENID
I'm going to this stupid art show
and I want you to be my date...
There's something I have to show
you...
SEYMOUR
I... I don't know. I don't really
think I should...
ENID
Of course you should. C'mon, I'm
already a million hours late.
SEYMOUR
... I better not...
ENID
(pause)
Well forget the art show... let's
do something else.
SEYMOUR
I... i wish I could, Enid, but I
really can't right now... I -- it's
just that I --
ENID
Well when can we do something?
SEYMOUR
It's just that, well, you know,
Dana just got out of a really bad
relationship and I don't want to
give her the wrong idea... you
know...
JOE
(walking by with his
sandwich)
Don't mind me, I'll just be in my
room.
ENID
Where did you get those pants?
SEYMOUR
Oh, uh... they were a present from
Dana.
ENID
And you like them?
SEYMOUR
Well, you know... what do I know
about clothes... I've never been
the most fashionable guy -- it's
nice to have someone do all the
work for me...
ENID
(pause)
So that's it? You don't ever want
to see me again?
SEYMOUR
No, of course I do... It's just
that right now I need to --
ENID
What's her problem anyway? Did she
actually tell you you couldn't see
me?
SEYMOUR
No, no... not exactly... she just
doesn't understand how I would know
somebody like you...
ENID
What does she mean by that -
"somebody like me"?
SEYMOUR
Just someone so young...
ENID
You must have done something to
make her think you like me.
SEYMOUR
I... I don't think so.
ENID
Does that mean you don't like me?
SEYMOUR
No, of course not.
ENID
(looks him in the eye)
So, do you like me, Seymour?
SEYMOUR
In what way do you mean?
ENID
In whatever way you think I mean.
SEYMOUR
(not sure what to say; long pause)
I don't know... I'm sorry, but
Dana's a very jealous person. I
just don't want to screw that up
right now... I'm sure she'll dump
me soon and we can go back to being
friends...
ENID
I don't think you understand how I
really feel about you, Seymour.
SEYMOUR
... What do you mean?
ENID
(pause)
Nothing. Don't worry, I won't
bother you any more.
EXT. ENID'S NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING
A LONG SHOT of Enid as she walks home alone.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Enid & Rebecca walk down the street. Both wear landlord
friendly J. Crew outfits.
ENID
Where are we? This is a weird
neighborhood...
REBECCA
It's a totally normal, average
neighborhood!
ENID
I just mean it's weird to me...
I've never been anywhere near here
in my life.
REBECCA
Josh says this is a really good
neighborhood...
ENID
What? When did you see Josh?!
REBECCA
He came into work.
ENID
Why? What did he say?
REBECCA
Nothing.
ENID
When was this?
REBECCA
I don't know! God, don't act so
jealous I only talked to him for
two minutes.
They walk along in conspicuous silence.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
Twenty-seven fifty-three... do you
see it?
(looks around)
That must be it...
ENID
(without enthusiasm)
Great...
REBECCA
What?! It looks totally normal...
what's wrong with it?
ENID
I said "great"...
REBECCA
Oh yeah, I can tell you really love
it!
ENID
Well, what am I supposed to say? "I
can't wait to live in some
depressing shit-hole in the middle
of nowhere"?!
REBECCA
There's something wrong with every
single place we look at! Why don't
you just come right out and tell me
you don't want to move in with me?!
ENID
Because you'll freak out and act
like a total psycho about it.
A few passersby stop to watch.
REBECCA
You're the psycho! You haven't been
able to deal with anything since
high school ended!
ENID
You're the one who's still living
out some stupid seventh-grade
fantasy!
REBECCA
(as she walks away giving
her the finger)
FUCK YOU! Have fun living with your
dad for the rest of your life!
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
Enid is on her bed, crying. Her jacket and shoes are strewn
about the floor.
ENID
God FUCK YOU TOO!
We see her Dad standing outside her bedroom. As he enters he
tries to make enough noise so that she notices him before she
really embarrasses herself. She stops crying and pretends to
be asleep.
DAD
Pumpkin? What's wrong?
ENID
(her back to him, doesn't
move)
Nothing.
Dad sits next to her on the bed and puts his hand on her
shoulder.
DAD
If there's something wrong I wish
you'd tell me about it...
Enid pulls away from him and sits up on the opposite side of
the bed, facing away from him
ENID
It's nothing -- it's just some
hormonal thing... don't worry about
it...
DAD
I've got some important news to
tell you, but it can wait till
later if you're not feeling...
ENID
What?
DAD
(speaking slowly and
methodically)
Well... as you know, Maxine and I
have been seeing a lot of each
other, and we decided it might be a
good idea for all of us if she came
back here to live at the end of the
Summer, just so we can all get to
know each other and to make sure
this is what we want.
Enid maintains a poker face for several long seconds before
she bursts into tears, utterly defeated.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY
Enid, determined, walks down the empty halls. She goes into a
room marked "Art Class".
INT. ART CLASS - CONTINUOUS
Roberta is in there with a bearded EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE.
They're covering a STUDENT in plaster.
ENID
Hi I brought over my application
for the art academy... I hope it's
not too late...
Roberta, absorbed in her plastering, glances at Enid.
ROBERTA
Just a minute...
Then, realizing who it is...
ROBERTA (CONT'D)
Enid! I'm so sorry about what
happened.
ENID
What do you mean?
ROBERTA
The whole business with the art
show and the newspaper -- it's
absolutely --
ENID
Huh?
ROBERTA
Didn't Principal Jaffee call you?
ENID
I didn't check my messages...
ROBERTA
Oh my goodness... well, the whole
thing is just ridiculous, and as
soon as the school board is back in
session next Fall I'm going to do
everything I can to help you.
ENID
Help me what?
ROBERTA
Well they're forcing me to give you
a non-passing grade in the class
because of what happened at the
exhibition... but don't worry --
I'm sure I'll be able to get you
your diploma in the Fall!
ENID
(pause, overwhelmed)
But... can I still get that
scholarship to the Art Academy?
ROBERTA
I'm sorry, Enid - you have to be an
official high school graduate
before I can nominate you.
I had to give it to someone else...
But I'm sure next year I can --
The PLASTER-COVERED STUDENT makes an uncomfortable moaning
noise.
EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE
(flustered, to Roberta)
Hey, can you help me out over here?
EXT. QUALITY CAFE - EVENING (SAME DAY)
Enid walks the streets - it's dark out now. She goes by the
Cafe - it's CLOSED FOR REMODELING.
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - LATER
She continues walking until she's across the street from
Norman's bus stop. She sees him there, as always. Suddenly, a
BUS, well-lit from the inside and completely empty, pulls up
to the stop and Norman gets on.
INT. SEYMOUR'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (ABOUT 11 PM)
A knock on the door - Seymour shuffles out in T-shirt, pants,
and goofy slippers. He looks through the peephole and sees
Enid. He opens the door.
SEYMOUR
What are you doing here?
ENID
I had to see you.
SEYMOUR
What's up?
ENID
Can you at least let me in?
SEYMOUR
Uh... sure... come in.
ENID
(crying)
Look, I just need somebody to be
nice to me for five minutes and
then I'll leave you alone.
SEYMOUR
What's the matter?
ENID
Do you have anything to drink?
Enid goes to look for herself.
SEYMOUR
Uh... I think there's some root
beer...
ENID
What about this?
She returns from the kitchen with a giant bottle of
champagne.
SEYMOUR
That's Dana's - I'm supposed to be
saving it for our two-month
anniversary. You better not --
ENID
(as she starts opening)
FUCK DANA. I'm sick of Dana.
She opens it and drinks straight from the bottle. Seymour's
look says: "Oh well, I'm fucked, I give up."
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Enid & Seymour sit on the bed listening to old records and
drinking out of the bottle.
ENID
You need a bigger place - this is
like a little kid's room.
SEYMOUR
I could never move - I've got too
much stuff.
Enid notices an extremely ugly modern sculpture in the
corner. She goes over and picks it up.
ENID
Where did you get this?
SEYMOUR
Dana bought it when we went antique
shopping. She said it didn't go
with her stuff, so she gave it to
me... she thought it fit in better
with my "old time thingamajigs."
ENID
Jesus, how can you stand her?
Seymour takes another slug off the bottle.
SEYMOUR
God, she's going to kill me... this
bottle is half-empty!
ENID
That's great! "Half-empty" - that's
what I like about you, Seymour,
you're a natural pessimist!
SEYMOUR
If you expect the worst, you're
never disappointed.
ENID
What are you talking about? You're
disappointed every minute of your
life.
SEYMOUR
I'm just being realistic.
ENID
At least you're not like every
other stupid guy in the world - all
they care about are guitars and
sports... they're all such fags!
SEYMOUR
I hate sports.
ENID
How come in all that time I was
trying to get you a date, you never
asked me out?
SEYMOUR
You're a beautiful young girl... I
can't imagine you would ever have
had any interest in me, except as
an amusingly cranky eccentric
curiosity.
ENID
Yeah, but still... it's kind of
insulting for a girl to be ignored
like that.
SEYMOUR
I mean... of course I... why
wouldn't I want to go out with you?
ENID
I dunno... I always feel like
everybody secretly hates me. I'm
just paranoid I guess. I mean, you
like me don't you? We're good
friends, right?
SEYMOUR
Yeah, sure. Of course.
ENID
(contemplative pause)
... Maybe I should just move in
here with you... I could do all the
cooking and dust your record
collection and stuff until I get a
job.
SEYMOUR
What about Joe?
ENID
Oh yeah... and Dana...
(says her name with whiny,
disdainful voice)
You were a lot more fun before you
met Dana. You've been acting way
too normal lately... you're a
bitter, twisted, fucked-up guy,
Seymour, that's why I like you.
SEYMOUR
(more drunk than before)
Yeah, well I like you too...
TEN MINUTES LATER
The bottle is empty.
ENID
You know what my number one fantasy
used to be?
SEYMOUR
(pause)
What?
ENID
I used to think about one day not
telling anybody and just taking off
and going to some random place...
Do you ever think about stuff like
that?
SEYMOUR
I guess I probably used to when I
was your age.
ENID
It would have to be some totally
average day when nobody was
expecting it, and I'd just
disappear and they'd never see me
again.
SEYMOUR
Sounds like a healthy way to deal
with your problems.
ENID
You know what we should do? Let's
go get in your car right now and
just take off! We could just drive
away and find some new place and
start a whole new life... fuck
everybody!
SEYMOUR
I don't think I'm in any condition
to drive.
ENID
I'll drive, then -- we'll go out in
a blaze of glory!
SEYMOUR
So where would we go?
ENID
Who cares? Let's just go... what's
stopping us?
SEYMOUR
I dunno, I...
ENID
I'm serious! I'm just so sick of
everybody! Why can't I just do
whatever I want?
SEYMOUR
What do you want?
ENID
What do you want?
SEYMOUR
I-I-I...
ENID
What's the matter with you,
Seymour? Don't you like me? Be a
man for once in your life!
She kisses him passionately. He's shocked but kisses back.
This escalates, leading to the sex act, shown with merciful
brevity.
WE SEE Enid & Seymour, post-coital.
ENID (CONT'D)
God, Dana's going to kill you!
SEYMOUR
... Do you really want us to drive
away somewhere?
ENID
What?... Maybe... no... I dunno...
SEYMOUR
I will if you want to.
ENID
No... forget it...
SEYMOUR
(embarrassingly sappy)
I-I never expected anything like
this to happen...
ENID
Yeah, well... me neither...
SEYMOUR
You must know I always... did you
really mean all that about moving
in with me?
ENID
I was just thinking out loud...
(doesn't want to hurt his
feelings)
I mean, you've got this whole thing
with Dana -- I'm not going to let
you fuck that up...
SEYMOUR
But, I...
ENID
Shhh... I really need to get some
sleep.
Enid turns her back to him. We see from REVERSE ANGLE that
she's only pretending to be asleep. She looks troubled, as
though she's just made a big mistake. Seymour puts his arm
around her. It's the only time we've seen him look relaxed
and happy.
SEYMOUR
Good night...
He kisses her arm and goes to sleep.
INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Seymour wakes up. Enid is gone.
INT. DANA'S OFFICE - EXPANSION REALTY - DAY
Dana is on the phone. A lantern-jawed male COLLEAGUE listens
in, his head pressed up against hers.
DANA
(into phone)
It's a thirty-year fixed at five
and-a-half...
Seymour nervously enters her "workspace". Dana is pleasantly
surprised - she stops her conversation.
DANA (CONT'D)
(covering receiver)
Seymour! Hello! What are you doing
here?
SEYMOUR
Oh -- please - don't let me
interrupt finish your phone call.
DANA
We're almost done.
(she continues into phone)
Hi. Yeah... no, it's excluded.
They've already paid the earnest
money... well, let them bring it up
if they notice it at the final walk
through. Right, great, sounds good!
She hangs up and high-fives her colleague. They bear-hug.
COLLEAGUE
Great job! I'm proud of ya! Well,
I'll check you guys later. I'm
gonna go start the paperwork.
Colleague leaves; Dana turns to Seymour.
DANA
Hey... so, what brings you down
here?
SEYMOUR
I uh... I feel that I need to uh --
there's something I feel I have to
say... I uh, I've never said this
to anyone before -- believe me,
I've stayed in horrible
relationships for years just so I
wouldn't have to do this, but I
uh...
DANA
What are you trying to say?
SEYMOUR
It's just that I feel like it's
maybe not a good idea for us to
keep going out.
Dana sits down, staring ahead, stunned for a moment. Suddenly
she breaks down sobbing.
SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
I-I honestly never intended for
this to happen...
DANA
Please tell me it isn't that
teenager!
SEYMOUR
Enid and I were just friends. You
know... we feel comfortable around
each other... she really likes my
old records and...
DANA
I can't believe this! I thought at
the very least a guy like you would
never pull this kind of shit on me!
She starts crying again. Seymour awkwardly tries to comfort
her.
SEYMOUR
Dana, I... um...
Dana pushes him away violently.
DANA
You disgusting pig! You're just an
overgrown baby who can't deal with
a woman your own age. You pathetic
weakling! You make me sick!
INT. ENID'S ROOM - THE SAME DAY
Enid is now utterly defeated. The phone rings. She lets the
machine pick it up. Maxine enters.
MAXINE
May I ask what you're doing?
ENID
Shhh!
MAXINE
I want to know what you think
you're doing, staying out all night
and worrying your father to death!
ENID
Oh yeah, like he even noticed.
MAXINE
Listen, young lady... I know you
don't like me -- I don't really
care whether you do or not -- but I
will not allow you to treat your
father the way you do.
We hear Seymour on the machine in the background...
SEYMOUR (V.O.)
I really want to talk to you. I've
been thinking about what you said
about moving in here...
ENID
I can treat him any way I want to -
I'm an adult! Leave me alone!
Maxine leaves. Seymour finishes his message. Enid picks up
the phone and dials.
REBECCA (V.O.)
Hello?
ENID
I need to talk to you.
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY
Enid & Rebecca sit at a table. Rebecca is wearing her
uniform.
ENID
I'm sorry about the other day. I
don't know what's wrong with me...
I really do want to move in with
you.
REBECCA
I don't know... I was thinking
maybe I should live alone. I
decided to rent that place we
looked at. I'm moving in next week.
ENID
Please let me come with you. Please
please please...
REBECCA
I don't know - I'm not sure it's a
good idea.
ENID
Of course it's a good idea... it's
our plan.
REBECCA
But how are you gonna pay rent and
everything? You don't even have a
job.
ENID
I'll get a job tomorrow, I promise.
If I don't, you can totally tell me
to fuck off.
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE MORNING
Enid is putting on her shoes. Her Dad opens the door slightly
and sticks his head in.
DAD
Pumpkin, are you in there?
ENID
Are you going to yell at me?
DAD
About what?
DAD (CONT'D)
Yeah, I heard about that.
ENID
I was in a horrible mood - tell her
not to worry, I'll be completely
out of her life in a few days.
DAD
She understands what you're going
through and she really wants to
help you. She says that job at
Computer Station is still available
if you want it.
ENID
I-I'm not sure... yeah, maybe.
DAD
Actually, I was just checking to
see if you were here - your friend
Seymour is on his way up.
ENID
What do you mean "on his way up"!?
DAD
I just buzzed him in.
Just then, three sharp KNOCKS on the front door.
ENID
What's wrong with you?! Tell him
I'm not here!
DAD
But I can't --
ENID
JUST DO IT!
Dad goes to answer the door. Enid hides in her room.
DAD (V.O.)
I'm not sure when she'll be back...
Enid looks out the window and sees Seymour walking away. She
has a terribly sad look on her face.
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Seymour sits in dim light, dialing an antique "candlestick"
telephone. In the background, a Peter, Paul and Mary concert
plays on the TV. We hear three rings followed by Enid's
answering machine message. He hangs up before it finishes.
Joe walks by the doorway.
JOE
Well, here's where the fun never
stops!
SEYMOUR
Yeah, I'm really, really happy.
Really having a good time.
JOE
Still torturing yourself over that
Enid, huh?
Seymour doesn't answer. He looks away.
SEYMOUR
Where else am I ever going to find
another girl who likes Geeshie
Wiley records?
(pause)
She could at least have the decency
to call me back.
JOE
Maybe she was just using you to try
and get back at some guy. Who
knows? It could be a million
things. It's wasted time trying to
logically figure out the female
brain, that's for sure.
Again no answer from Seymour, he stares off into space.
JOE (CONT'D)
Maybe she's got another boyfriend.
SEYMOUR
(bummed out, wants Joe to
stop)
Yeah, well... thanks for cheering
me up.
JOE
(deadpan)
No problem.
Seymour looks so miserable that even Joe has some compassion
for him.
JOE (CONT'D)
Look at it this way - at least
things can't get any worse.
Joe leaves. Seymour is left listening to the record.
INT. COOK'S CHICKEN HEADQUARTERS - DAY.
Seymour is at work, walking down a carpeted hallway with many
doors on both sides. A door opens and a Tony Robbins-ish, 35
year-old MANAGEMENT EXECUTIVE sticks his head out.
EXECUTIVE
Seymour! Just the man I want to
see. Step in here for a minute.
Seymour enters.
EXECUTIVE (CONT'D)
Have a seat.
He plunks down the current issue of THE FREE WEEKLY - it's
open to a 1/2 page article on page 8 with the headline "Oh
Brother!" and a photo of THE PAINTING being removed.
EXECUTIVE (CONT'D)
What can you tell me about this,
Seymour?
INT. ENID & REBECCA'S NEW APT.
Enid is wearing a bright orange "Computer Station" T-shirt
and a yellow vest with a "trainee" tag. She's looking around
at her new home: a hopelessly drab, characterless apartment.
REBECCA
So, whaddya think?
ENID
It's fine.
REBECCA
So where's all your stuff?
Enid points to a small box with sketchbook, etc.
ENID
There.
REBECCA
That's all you're bringing?
ENID
I'm gonna finish packing tonight...
I'll bring it over tomorrow
sometime.
REBECCA
What time?
ENID
I dunno...
REBECCA
Make sure you're here by noon - we
have tons of stuff to do... Oh
yeah! I have to show you something
else!
She drags Enid into the kitchen and opens a BUILT-IN IRONING
BOARD as though it's the most amazing thing she's ever-seen.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
Isn't this the greatest?
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE EVENING
Enid is sorting her stuff into boxes. Digging through her
closet, she finds a box that she doesn't recognize. Inside
are her old children's records (45's). She excitedly takes
one out and plays it. She folds her clothes while listening
to this song, which clearly is getting to her. She grabs
mechanically for the next thing hanging in her closet. It's
the uniform from her job at "Computer Station." She folds it,
puts it in the box, then stops, staring at the orange fabric.
INT. ENID AND REBECCA'S APT. - THE NEXT DAY
Rebecca is nervously arranging and re-arranging her stuff.
She puts up her gigantic new kitchen wall clock and sets the
time to 12:45. She goes to the phone and calls Enid. The
machine picks up and Rebecca hangs up. She does another
tedious, pointless task. IT'S NOW 3:30. She's pissed off and
goes to the phone to call again. As it rings there's a knock
on the door. Relieved, she hangs up and goes to answer.
REBECCA
(as she opens the door)
What's wrong with you, retard -
it's three-thirty!
It's Seymour standing there, not Enid.
SEYMOUR
Uh... hi. Uh... Enid's stepmother
told me I'd find her here?
REBECCA
She's not at home?
SEYMOUR
No... they said she was here...
REBECCA
What the fuck is she doing?! She
was supposed to be here three hours
ago!
SEYMOUR
Uh, do you mind if I wait? I really
need to talk to her.
REBECCA
(allows him to step inside
but leaves the door open)
Are you sure she wasn't there?
Maybe she was just hiding from you.
SEYMOUR
Why would she be hiding from me?
REBECCA
I don't know... where is she, then?
SEYMOUR
Maybe she's with Josh?
REBECCA
Josh!? Why would she be with Josh?
SEYMOUR
I don't know.
REBECCA
Why? What did she tell you?
SEYMOUR
She just mentioned him a few times
and said that they had been dating -
I thought maybe she was...
REBECCA
What? Is she having some secret
affair with Josh?
SEYMOUR
I have no idea - I just want to...
REBECCA
Why wouldn't she tell me? There's
no way! She could never keep that
to herself... you're crazy.
SEYMOUR
Really, I don't know enough about
it to...
REBECCA
That slut!
SEYMOUR
(changing subject back to
me)
Why did you say she might be hiding
from me? Did she say anything to
you about me?
REBECCA
(getting revenge on
Seymour)
Yeah, she thinks you're a dork.
SEYMOUR
Did she say that?
REBECCA
Look, what do you expect?
Considering how we met you.
SEYMOUR
What do you mean?
REBECCA
On that pathetic fake blind date.
SEYMOUR
What are you talking about?
REBECCA
Didn't she ever tell you about
that? God, she really is
pathological...
SEYMOUR
What fake blind date? What are you
talking about?
Rebecca goes over and gets Enid's sketchbook out of the box
and flips through it. When she gets to the right page she
hands it to Seymour.
REBECCA
Here. Read it and weep.
We see a pasted-up PERSONAL AD beside a DRAWING OF SEYMOUR in
wowsville. On the facing page we see a drawing of JOSH with
his name surrounded by RED HEARTS.
EXT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON
Seymour's car screeches into the parking lot. He bursts into
the store, ready f or once in his life to make a scene.
INT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON
Josh is behind the counter cleaning the Slurpee machine, with
his back to the entrance, as Seymour storms in. Doug is over
by the magazine rack reading a dirt bike magazine.
SEYMOUR
I hope you had a good laugh at my
expense.
Josh turns around - what's going on? He recognizes Seymour.
JOSH
Huh... oh... hi... uh...
SEYMOUR
You want to see something funny?
I'll show you something funny!
As he says this he flips over a SMALL DISPLAY RACK of potato
chips. Then he tries to flip over a BIG DISPLAY CASE in front
of the counter but is unable to budge it - he keeps trying
and gets more and more frustrated.
JOSH
HEY!
Josh runs from behind the counter to stop him before he
creates a huge mess. He tries to grab Seymour and they get
into a ridiculous frantic scuffle. Seymour starts yelling.
Suddenly Doug appears and gets Seymour in a choke hold with
his nunchucks. Doug ad-libs cop-style jargon. Josh is freaked
out. Seymour realizes what a fool he is and starts to cry.
The Boss comes out of the back room...
BOSS
Josh! What going on here?!
INT. ENID & REBECCA'S APARTMENT - AROUND MIDNIGHT
The apartment is dark - lit only by a harsh, annoying
streetlight. Rebecca sits on the couch in sweat clothes,
exasperated. She goes to look out the window. Cars with loud
radios can be heard driving by. She goes to the phone - she
checks it and hangs up. Pause. She picks it up again - one
last try. She dials the number and waits. We hear the BEEP of
the answering machine. Rebecca hangs up.
She gets into a sleeping bag (spread out in the center of a
cold linoleum floor). She zips the zipper all the way over
her head and curls up into a whimpering ball.
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD: "SEVERAL MONTHS LATER"
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY
The dialogue begins in voice-over as the title card fades. We
slowly fade in to see Seymour, lying on a pink pastel
psychiatrist's couch, as he speaks to his THERAPIST, a
handsome, well-coiffed woman in her late 40s.
SEYMOUR
I have to admit, things have really
started looking up for me since my
life turned to shit.
THERAPIST
So tell me more about this job.
What exactly will you be doing?
SEYMOUR
Well, mostly archival research,
cataloguing old records and writing
liner notes for their CD reissues.
It's really... I can't believe it.
THERAPIST
Remember what I said when we first
started -- this little breakdown
might turn out to be the best thing
that ever happened to you!
SEYMOUR
It doesn't pay very much, but I
should be able to afford my own
place in a few months... Do you
think that's too soon? I'm really
anxious to get my record collection
out of storage...
THERAPIST
Why don't we start with that next
week?
Seymour looks up. She nods toward the large wall clock behind
her: thirty seconds after five. Re gets up and she walks him
slowly toward the door.
SEYMOUR
Thank you, doctor.
THERAPIST
(as she opens the door)
Don't thank me. You're doing all
the work.
A pause. They stand facing each other.
THERAPIST (CONT'D)
Seymour?
SEYMOUR
Yes?
THERAPIST
Do you have a check for me?
Seymour takes a filled-out check from his shirt pocket. In
the waiting room, we see SEYMOUR'S MOTHER.
MOTHER
Seymour? Are you done? Did you have
a chance to think about what you
might want for dinner while you
were in there?
SEYMOUR
We can talk about it in the car,
Ma...
As they leave Seymour looks back and smiles weakly at the
doctor.
INT. QUALITY CAFE - LATE AFTERNOON
The Cafe has been FULLY REMODELED and now resembles Wowsville
more than the old Quality Cafe. There are no neighborhood
"characters" anymore, only well-heeled twenty-somethings. We
see that Rebecca is now a waitress here. She tears off a
check and places it in front of a super-muscular, polo
shirted EUROPEAN HIPSTER, who is too busy tapping away at his
POWERBOOK to notice.
She walks toward the end of the counter to total up her
receipts. She looks up and sees Enid, wearing tasteful 1930's
style clothes, sitting across from her.
ENID
Hi.
REBECCA
Oh, hi... I almost didn't recognize
you -- I think I need to get
glasses; you're all blurry!
ENID
(nodding toward muscular
HIPSTER)
You're lucky then, you can't see
the veins on that guy's biceps.
REBECCA
Actually, he's a really nice guy.
We see at this point that Rebecca & Enid are no longer
friends, but there are also no hard feelings evident.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
Do you want anything?
ENID
Maybe an orange juice.
Rebecca goes to get it. Enid looks around, bemused and
saddened by what The Quality Cafe has become.
ENID (CONT'D)
Hey, look what I got...
She takes a crumpled envelope from her pocket and pulls out
her DIPLOMA.
REBECCA
Wow... finally.
ENID
It just came yesterday...
Pause. Josh enters. Enid turns around.
JOSH
Hi Enid.
ENID
Hey Josh.
JOSH
Are you ready to go?
For a moment it's not clear who he's talking to, and then:
REBECCA
(still counting receipts)
Yeah, just one second...
She finishes, takes off her apron and emerges from behind the
counter. She kisses Josh perfunctorily.
REBECCA (CONT'D)
(to Josh)
Did you remember to pay the phone
bill?
JOSH
Yeah.
REBECCA
(to Enid)
Call me sometime.
ENID
Definitely. We still have to go to
that shoe store sometime.
Rebecca & Josh leave. Enid is totally alone in the now-alien
world of the Quality Cafe. A momentary pause as she calmly
stares into her orange juice. We see a small, round TRAVEL
BAG at her feet.
EXT. CITY STREETS/ACME SHOES - EVENING
We see Enid walking down the familiar streets of her world.
It's early evening, quiet except for distant street noises.
She walks toward the old ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE. It
looks the same, miraculously preserved, until she stands
right in front of it. She looks through the partially papered
over window and sees WORKMEN inside installing new fixtures:
a modern counter and several small tables, all made from a
FAMILIAR GREEN PLASTIC. A sign in the window reads: "Coming
Soon: Another COFFEE EXPERIENCE.
EXT. CITY STREET - EVENING
She continues walking as the sun has set and there is a calm
stillness to the city. She turns a corner and is startled by
her reflection in a large window made of one-way glass. She
stops and looks at herself. Everything about her looks
perfect for once; no need to change a thing. She moves closer
to the glass and, shading her eyes, tries to look inside.
She continues walking. Darkness is just setting in and she
has the street all to herself.
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - NIGHT
We see Enid at NORMAN'S BUS STOP, sitting on the bench. She
looks at the apartment building across the street. A woman
who has just arrived home from work turns on the TV, bathing
her living room with that EERIE BLUE LIGHT. The same thing
happens in another window down the street... then another...
Enid looks down the street. In the distance A BUS rounds the
corner and heads toward her.
From a third-story window across the street, we see the bus
as it arrives and stops, blocking Enid from view. A moment
later it pulls away, leaving an empty bench. The CAMERA moves
upward, farther and farther away as the music swells and the
credits roll.
EXT. BRIDGE - EVENING
The bus disappears over the crest of the bridge.
THE END