FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
OVER BLACK WE SEE: CHYRON A long time ago, in front of a convenience store far, far away-- EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAY We FADE IN on the block of stores (Quick Stop/RST), from sometime ago, In fact, RST isn't RST; it's THE RECORD RACK -- a 45's store with head shop paraphernalia in the window. A white-trash MOTHER (maybe seventeen) wearing a baseball cap comes into frame carrying a chubby BABY. The Baby wears an oversized t-shirt under what looks like a little bathrobe, and messily eats a CHOCOLATE BAR. There are food stamps in the Mother's hands. MOTHER Bobby-Boy stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, 'kay? She looks up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes slightly, then looks back at the baby on the ground. She takes off her baseball cap and places it on the baby. MOTHER This'll keep the sun out of your eyes. You be good now. She walks away, leaving the baby sitting against the wall. With the backwards baseball cap and the chocolate around his mouth forming something that resembles a beard, the kid looks kind of familiar.
Then, another MOTHER (also very young) decked out in a KISS concert shirt from years gone by and huge, feathered hair enters, with a black skullcap wearing BABY slung at her hip. She sees the first Baby, sitting against the wall and sets her Baby down beside him. MOTHER Don't fucking move, you little shit-machine. Mommy's gonna try to score. A PASSERBY enters, heading toward the convenience store. He takes note of the Babies and the Mother heading into the record store, and then stops and addresses her, disgusted. PASSERBY Excuse me--who's watching these babies? MOTHER The fat one's watching the little one. PASSERBY Oh, nice parenting. (walking away) Leave'em out here like that and see what happens. The Passerby walks away. The Mother flips him the bird. MOTHER FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE! PASSERBY (waving her off) Ah, keep on truckin'. MOTHER (to baby) D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me how to fuckin' raise you? Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking think he is? What's the worse fuckin' thing could happen to you sitting outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck! The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. Then, they look at each other. The larger one says nothing. The smaller one says-- BABY Fuck, fuck, fuck,,, DISSOLVE TO: THE PRESENT JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The Record Rack is now RST VIDEO. Jay is mid-chant. JAY (as a chant) --fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch-noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! A pair of TEENS approach them. TEEN 1 Lemme get a nickel bag. JAY Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the money in my hand. If the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me-owe. (changing up to Morris Day) My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! I think I want to know ya', know ya'-- TEEN 1 (digging in pockets) What the hell are you singing? JAY You don't know " Jungle Love"? That shit is the mad notes. Written by God Herself and handed down to the world's greatest band--the motherfucking Time. TEEN 2 The guys in that Prince movie? TEEN 1 Purple Rain. TEEN 2 Man, that shit was so gay--fucking eighties style. Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against the wall. JAY Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here's my black manservant! Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door behind him. RANDAL What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else, burn-boy. (walking away) And for the record, The Time sucked ass. He exits. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. After a beat-- JAY Yo-youse guys wanna hear something fucked up about him and the Quick Stop guy? INT. QUICK STOP-DAY Randal joins Dante behind the counter. Dante rings up a customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the counter. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a newspaper. RANDAL Hey, can't we do something about those two stoners hanging around outside all the time? DANTE Why? What'd they do now? RANDAL I'm trying to watch Clash of the Titans, and all I can hear is the two them screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. DANTE I thought the fat one didn't really talk much. RANDAL What, am I producing an A&E Biography about 'em? I'm just saying they shouldn't be loitering around the stores like they do. DANTE Neither should you, but we let you stay. RANDAL See, man--if you were funnier than that, ABC never would've cancelled us. DANTE What? RANDAL Nothing. Enter Teen 1 and Teen 2, chuckling. TEEN 1 Two packs of Wraps. (beat) Yo--how was the service? RANDAL What service? TEEN 2 The one at the Unitarian church where you two got married to each other last week. RANDAL What the hell are you talking about? TEEN 1 Jay said you had a Star-Wars--themed wedding and you guys tied the knot dressed like storm troopers. TEEN 2 Yeah. And he said you're the bitch and you're the butch. Oh, sorry-- the Leia and the Luke. DANTE I'm the bitch?! RANDAL Well if we were gay, that's how I'd see it. DANTE Would you shut up?! TEEN 1 (to TEEN 2) Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over. DANTE We're not married to each other. TEEN 1 Well, sure. Not in the eyes of the state or any real church, Skywalker. RANDAL (heading for the phone) That does it. I'm gonna do something about those two. I shoulda done a long time ago TEEN 2 In a galaxy far, far away! TEEN 1 (exiting) May the Foreskin be with you. Hand Jabba the Hutt. RANDAL (into phone) Yeah, I want to report a couple of drug dealers out in front of the Quick Stop. EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a COP, who frisks them. JAY What the Fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? COP We got a report that two guys were hanging around outside the stores, selling pot? JAY We don't smoke pot, yo. Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers. TEEN 1 Here're the rolling papers you wanted for your pot. And your change. Thanks. (getting in Jay's face) And The Time sucks ass! Teen 1 races off.Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop stops them, grabbing the rolling papers out of Jay's hand. He eyeballs the pair. COP No put, hunh? What do you need this for? JAY What? I got a wiping problem. I stick these little pieces of paper over my brown-eye, and bam--no shit stains in my undies. (unbuttoning pants) You don't believe me? Lemme show you. Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back over his shoulder. JAY Just spread my cheeks a little and you can see the fucking stink nuggets-- COP Pull up your pants up sir, Now! Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Silent Bob cracks up. The Cop grabs them both, leading them toward the car. COP Let's take a ride down to the station. JAY What? It's suddenly a crime to fart, motherfucker?! EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAY An ESTABLISHING SHOT of Brodie's store in the heart of Red Bank. BRODIE (O.C.) No fucking way! WE GO TIGHT on the huge, cartoon sign of BRODIE outside to-- INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATER BRODIE himself, holding a stack of comics in one hand and a Dixie cup in the other, Jay and Silent Bob follow him as he puts new books in the racks. BRODIE Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order?! JAY Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the stores,we get thrown into County. BRODIE So you gonna abide by the court's ruling or you gonna go Bandit--Reynolds style? JAY Fuck yeah! You know what they make you do in county? Toss the fucking salad! I don't like this fuck's asshole; I'm gonna do it for some stranger? BRODIE I guess if you really wanted to hang out in from of a convenience store, you could just buy your own now--what with all that money you guys made. JAY Hell yeah, bitch. (beat) Wait a second--what money? BRODIE The money from the movie, dumb-ass. JAY What the fuck are you babbling about? BRODIE (pulling a bagged-and-boarded issue down from the wall)
The Bluntman and Chronic movie. (dawns on him) Oh my God--don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for. JAY What?! Since when? BRODIE Goddamit, man-- (taps his wrist) Here's the pulse, alright. And here's your finger-- (shoves his hand down the back of his pants) --far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. (extracts hand and extends it to Jay) Say--would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? Brodie leads them back to the counter. BRODIE You see, kids, if you read Wizard, you'd know it's the top story this month. Check it out. Brodie hands Jay and Silent Bob a copy of Wizard, opened to the headline: Snootchie Bootchies! Bluntman and Chronic Get Big Screen Treatment! There are pictures of HOLDEN MCNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS, as well as drawings of Bluntman and Chronic. JAY When the fuck did this happen?! BRODIE Well, after X-Men hit at the box office, all the studios started buying up every comic property they could get their hands on. Miramax optioned Bluntman and Chronic. JAY Miramax? I thought they only made classy flicks like The Piano and The Crying Game? BRODIE Yeah, well once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. So you're saying you haven't gotten a cut of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? JAY We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie! BRODIE Well boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky owe you some of the proverbial phat cash. I mean they're making a movie based on characters that are based on you and Quiet Robert. JAY It ain't me and Quiet Robert. It's a pair of stupid-ass superheroes that run around saying "Snitchy-Nitchies" or something. BRODIE I believe it "Snootchie Boochies." Regardless--you're getting screwed. If I was you guys, I'd confront Holden McNeil and ask him for my movie check. JAY Shit yeah. We gotsa get paid. BRODIE And on that note, we cue the music. Jay lays down a House bass beat. Brodie complements it with his own beat. EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob mosey past the front door of the building and knock. INT. POTZER'S INC--DAY
Holden McNeil, opens the door and smiles. HOLDEN Well! I have been waiting years to do this. (smiles) Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Smells like someone shit in their cereal. Bunngg! Jay and Silent Bob enter. Holden closes the door, following them. JAY What the fuck took you so long answering your damn door? You trying to talk another girlfriend of yours into some of that gay-ass three-way action with your buddy? HOLDEN No, I was just showering your mother's stink off me after I gave her a quick jump and sent her home. But now that you mention it-- (to Bob) Thanks, you know. You could've made the moral of that story you told me a bit more clear. Silent Bob shrugs. HOLDEN So what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? JAY Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods-- Silent Bob holds up the Wizard article. JAY Where's our motherfucking movie check? HOLDEN You heard about that too, Hunh? Well, I've got nothing to do with it. That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now. I signed my half of the Bluntman and Chronic right over to him years ago. JAY Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? HOLDEN Because I'm almost thirty, for God's sake--why on earth would I want to keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? You gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want more for yourself? (off Silent Bob) I know this poor, hapless sonovabitch does. I look in his doe eyes and I see a man crying out, "When ,Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, and who bombards me and those around us with grade-A foolishness that prevents me from even getting to kiss a girl? Fuck! When?! Silent Bob nod like he's finally understood. Jay looks at him, hurt, and Bob tried to downplay the comment's truth. JAY I'm the chucklehead? Fuck you--you're the dumb-ass who gave away his comic, and now you ain't got no fat movie check neither. HOLDEN When you're right, you're right. I wish I'd broken off a little piece for myself. Because if the buzz is any indication, the movie's gonna make some huge bank. JAY What buzz? HOLDEN The Internet buzz. JAY What the fuck is the Internet? INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATER
Holden's at a computer terminal. Jay and Silent bob look over his shoulder. HOLDEN The Internet is a communication device that allows people the world over to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. (off monitor) Here's what we're looking for: "Movie PoopShoot.com" JAY (to Bob) "PoopChute." Yeaaahhh. HOLDEN This is a site full of militant movie buffs: sad bastards who live in their parents' basements, downloading scripts and trading what they believe to be inside info about movies and actors they despise yet can't stop discussing. This is where you go if you wanna hear frustrated would-be filmmakers mouth off with their two-bit, arm-chair- director's opinions on how they all could've made a better Episode One. On the computer monitor, we see the site mainpage load up. Holden begins navigating the site. HOLDEN Here. This is about the Bluntman movie. (reading) "Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday on their adaption of underground comic fave Bluntman and Chronic." JAY Friday?! Shit. Does it say who's playing us in the movie? HOLDEN No, but if it's Miramax, I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put'em in a bunch of movies. JAY Who? HOLDEN You know--the guys from Good Will Hunting. JAY You mean the fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? HOLDEN Yeah, I'm not too big a fan either. Though Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms. JAY Word, bitch. Phantoms like a motherfucker. Holden and Jay slap hands. Holden points at the monitor again. HOLDEN Now down here is where you can gauge the buzz. This is the Shoot Back area. It's where people who read the news get to chime in with their two cents. Here's what a guy who goes by the chick-magnet Net handle of "Wampa-One" thinks about Bluntman and Chronic. (reading) "Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all. They don't deserve their own movie." (to Jay) He's got a point. JAY Fuck him. What's the next one say? HOLDEN (reading) "Bluntman and Chronic is the worst comic I ever read. Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters. A couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catchphrases like a third-rate Cheech and Chong or Bill and Ted. Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses." JAY Who the fuck said that shit?! HOLDEN A guy who calls himself "Magnolia-Fan." Check out what the guy after him said: "Jay and Silent Bob are terrible, one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at. They're fucking clown shoes. If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid. I can't believe Miramax would have anything to so with this shit. I, for one, will be boycotting this movie. Who's with me?" (leans back) And then there are about fifty more posts from people who agree to join Spartacus-here's boycott of the flick. JAY (grimly) I'm gonna kill all these fucks-- HOLDEN Ah, let it go. Number one, they're a bunch of jealous little dicks who use the anonymity of the Net to insult people who're doing what they wish they were doing, and number two, they're not really talking about you guys--they talking about Bluntman and Chronic. JAY But they said Jay and Silent Bob! They used our real names. It doesn't matter that there's a comic book version of us and a real version, 'cause nobody knows we're real in real life. HOLDEN Really. JAY Yeah! And all these people who read that shit think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a couple of faggots 'cause of that all these dicks are writing about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob! And maybe one night, me and Lunchbox'll be macking some bitch, and she'll be like "Oooo! I want to suck youse guys dicks off. What's your names?" And I'll be like, "Jay and Silent Bob." And she'll be like, "Oh--I read on the Internet that youse guys were little fucking jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys's dicks off instead! Well fuck that! We gotta put a stop to these hateful sonsa-bitches before they ruin our good names! HOLDEN First off, I don't know how good your names really are. Secondly, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. The Internet's given everyone in America a voice, and everyone in American has chosen to use that voice to bitch about movies. As long as there's a Bluntman and Chronic movie, the Net-nerds are gonna have something negative to say about it. Jay steams, thinking. Then, a light dawns on him. JAY But wait a second--if there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie, then no one would be saying shit about Jay and Silent Bob, right? HOLDEN They're not saying anything about you now--they're talking about fictional characters! JAY (oblivious to Holden; to Bob) So all we gotta do is stop 'em from making the movie! HOLDEN Yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties you're due in the process. Are you fucking retarded? Look, I'm probably not alone in the opinion that this flick is the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. I mean, a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? Holden, Jay and Silent Bob pause and look at the camera for a beat. Then-- HOLDEN But since it is happening, you might as well just ignore the idiots on the Internet, go find Banky, and get your "motherfucking movie check." As you so succinctly put it. That's what's important here. JAY No, Holden McNeil--what's important here is that there's a bunch of motherfuckers we don't even know calling us assholes on the Internet to a bunch of teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. (off monitor) When did it say they're making that movie? HOLDEN They start this Friday. JAY So if today's Tuesday, that gives us -- (counts) Eight days. HOLDEN It's more like three days. JAY Right. Three days to stop that stupid fucking movie from getting made! C'mon, Silent Bob-- Jay and Bob stand and look at each other, filled with purpose. JAY We're going to Hollywood. They stride off. Holden shakes his head. HOLDEN Now that's what I call the Blunt leading the Blunt. EXT. BUS STATION--DAY Jay and Silent Bob approach a bus that's labeled " Los Angeles." They nod at each other and then climb aboard. After a beat, they re-emerge. JAY Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? They head toward the depot. JAY Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every day for free? EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The bus roars past a sign that read: Leaving New Jersey. INT. BUS--SAME Jay makes his way up to the DRIVER. JAY We in Hollywood yet? DRIVER It's a three--day ride to Los Angeles, sir. We left twenty minutes ago. JAY I didn't ask you about Los Angeles. I asked you about Hollywood. DRIVER Hollywood's in Los Angeles, sir. JAY Don't change the subject! Are we in Hollywood yet or not? DRIVER Please sit down, sir. Jay glares at the Driver and heads back to his seat. JAY Why don't you take your seat Ralph Kramden-- Jay slumps into the seat beside Silent Bob. JAY I'm fucking bored, man. There ain't shit to so on this bus. Silent Bob mimes jerking off. JAY I already did that. Twice. Silent Bob shrugs, looking out the window, Jay looks across the aisle and spots a CHILD IN A HELMET playing a handheld video game. He leans over to him. JAY Yo, Gretzky--lemme get a turn. CHILD Leave me alone, little kid. The Child gives him the finger. Jay goes wide-eyed, turning to Silent Bob. JAY That fuck called me a little kid and gave me the finger! Go kick his ass! Silent Bob offers an incredulous look, as if to say, "He's ten years old." JAY You're my muscle, ain'tcha? Silent Bob kind of nods. JAY So go open a can of whup-ass on that little fuck, and get me his game! Silent Bob sighs and stands. He climbs over Jay into the aisle and stands in front of the child. He looks at him and registers doubt. He looks back to Jay, who waves him on. Silent Bob steels himself, looks back to the kid and reaches for his game. The Child emits a high-pitched scream and starts punching himself in the head. Silent Bob dives back into his seat, trying to look nonchalant. The Child stops crying. Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY You're one tough motherfucker, you know that? EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The bus pulls over by the side of the road. INT. BUS--DAY The Bus Driver heads down the aisle toward the back of the bus, followed by pissed-off PASSENGERS. PASSENGER They been in there going on half an hour now! Two of them! Doing God knows what! The Bus Driver bangs on the bathroom door and shouts. DRIVER This bus isn't moving another inch unless you clear out of there right now! No answer. The Bus Driver bangs on the door harder. DRIVER DO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR! NOW!! The door handle turns, the door swings wide, and massive amounts of smoke suddenly billow through the back of the bus. The smoke clears to reveal Jay and Silent Bob squeezed into the bathroom, holding a massive joint. JAY Um--I think something's burning back here. EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER As the bus pulls away, Jay and Silent Bob are revealed, left behind. JAY The whole fucking world's against us, dude. I swear to God. Silent Bob nods. Jay sticks out his thumb and starts hitching. EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER Jay and Bob are walking backwards, hitching still. JAY This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't getting no rides? VOICE 'Cause you're doing it all wrong. Jay and Bob look behind them. There's a GUY hitching as well. GUY You gotta induce the drivers a little. JAY Like how? GUY Like this. The GUY holds out his sign to them. It reads: Will Give Head For Ride. JAY Yeah, but what happens when you get in the car, and you don't make with the head? Don't they kick your ass to the curb? GUY Sure--if you don't make with the head. Jay and Bob look at him for a long beat. Then-- JAY Eww! You eat the cock?!? GUY Yeah. If it'll get me a few hundred miles across country. I'll take a shot in the mouth. JAY Yeah, but we ain't gay. GUY Well, neither am I. But have you seen the price of bus tickets lately? Shit--I don't wanna cough up two hundred bucks just to get to Chicago. JAY Well, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm! GUY Don't be so suburban--this is the new millenium. Gay, straight--it's all the same now. There're no more lines. Jay draws a line on the ground with his foot. JAY There's one. On this side of it, we ain't gay. GUY All hitchers do this. Why do you think people pick us up? If you get a ride, it's expected--I don't care who the driver is. It's the first rule in the Book. JAY What book? GUY The unwritten Book of the Road. A TRUCK starts to pull over to the side of the road. The Guy points to it, as if to say "See?" The passenger-side door opens. The Guy climbs into the truck and closes the door. He looks out the window at Jay and Bob. GUY Follow the rules of the Book, and you'll get where you're going in no time. Excuse me. Through the windshield, Jay and Silent Bob see the Guy go face-first into the TRUCK DRIVER'S lap. The Truck Drivers smiles, and the truck takes off, roaring down the road. Jay and Silent Bob watch the truck disappear. Then, a CAR pulls up. The NUN driving rolls down the passenger side window and leans toward them. NUN You two boys need a ride? INT. CAR--LATER The NUN drives, smiling. Jay and Silent Bob sit in the back seat, huddled close together, their eyes glued on the Nun. NUN You both don't have to sit back there. One of you can sit up here with me. Silent Bob shakes his head "no" to Jay. Jay shrugs and climbs up front. NUN So where are you boys from? JAY New Jersey. NUN What brings you to Indiana? JAY We're going to Hollywood. NUN Hollywood, hunh? That's a long ways away. JAY Yeah--we're lucky you picked us up. NUN Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says. JAY (misinterpreting completely) Wait a minute--you follow the Book, too? NUN I live my life by it. JAY Really? You? NUN Of course. You know how lonely it gets on the road? Thanks to the Book, I'm never alone--if you know what I mean. JAY I guess. This guy back there explained it to us. But I didn't think you'd be into that. NUN Are you kidding? I've dedicated my life to it. Every hour of every day. JAY Shit--you nuns are alright. NUN You live by the Book, too? JAY You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta. NUN That's good to hear. But it takes deed, not words. It's a lot easier to say you live by the Book than to actually do it. (looks at him) Can you do it? JAY You want me to do it right now? NUN No time like the present, right? Jay looks back at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shakes his head "no." Jay shrugs them flips his hair over his shoulder, and starts to bend down. JAY Alright. (he suddenly stops) You hear that? She's not a Catholic. She's a Presbyterian. Jay disappears below the dash, The Nun goes wide-eyed. EXT. ROADSIDE--DAY The Nun's car screeched to the side of the road. Jay gets kicked our of the front seat by the screaming Nun. Silent Bob rushes out too, and the car races off. Jay's wipes his mouth. He pulls a long curly hair from between his teeth. JAY Dude--she had seventies bush. EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT Jay and Bob continue hitching. JAY I can't believe this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day, millions of people hitch to Hollywood and stop studios from making movies about 'em. But when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon! A familiar-looking VAN pulls up in the other side of the raid, The horn beeps. Jay and Bob look at each other, shrug, and race across the street, get in. The van pulls off. INT. VAN--NIGHT Jay and Bob sit in the back of the can and stare at-- A clean-cut GUY, a Bookish woman in glasses, a red headed Beauty, a stoner DUDE, and a GREAT DANE. Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY Zoinks, yo GUY And now we can finally solve the mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls! Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are! BOOKISH I don't think they are masks. BEAUTY I don't think they're Hitchhiking Girls either. BOOKISH Ghouls, you fucking moron. Not Girls. (to herself) Though I wish they were hitchhiking girls. Sexy, skimpily clad hitchhiking girls-- GUY Let's kick them out. We've got a mystery to solve. DUDE The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief! GUY Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed you to the fucking dog! BEAUTY (covering her ears; shrieking) I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING! JAY YO!
The Gang look to Jay and Bob. JAY Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down! And we got just the thing for that. (pulls out a bag of joints) We call them Doobie Snax. INT. VAN--WEED VISION As Jay and Bob toke up, we go all SLO-MO and 70's freaky ( with the image seeming to SWIM). Through their stoned haze, we see old-school witches, skeletons, and ghouls swirling about their heads--the latter of which gets his mask taken off to reveal a man inside a costume. Jay and Bob look at the gang, then take a hit off their joint and look back. Suddenly, the gang's engaged in total debauchery: the Dude rides the windshield while the Guy cackles insanely, blindfolded by his neckerchief. Bookish and Beauty are in their underwear, making out with each other. The Great Dane looks at ay and Bob and says-- GREAT DANE Ri, Ray rand Rirent Rob The Great Dane rolls over, revealing its RED THING sticking way out of its sheath. It's monstrous. Jay and Bob go wide-eyed. JAY Look at his fuckin' lipstick!!! He's got a stoner-boner!!! Jay and Bob smile and pass out. We cut back to the gang, who now appear as they did prior to Weed-Vision. They stare at the O.C. Jay and Bob. BEAUTY I think they passed out. GUY Great. What do we do with them now? DUDE Let's cut out their kidneys to sell on the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. BOOKISH Oh God, not again? INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHT Jay lies in a bathtub full of ice, screaming. There's a scar on his back. EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAY Jay wakes up suddenly, screaming. He startles Bob awake as well, as he clutched at this back lifting his shirt to see the scar. It's not there. JAY Holy shit, I had a horrible dream. (looks around) Yo, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast? Bob looks around, and then locks on something O.C. He points, and Jay looks, smiles widely, and nods. EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAY An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the fast food eatery, as Jay and Bob enter. INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAME As the pair head for the counter, Jay notices a public INTERNET TERMINAL. He tugs at Silent Bob's arm. JAY Yo--check that shit out: the Internet. Let's see if those fucks said something new about us and that stupid flick. Bob shrugs, heading for the terminal. He inserts a dollar and types, following it up with a mouse click. The pair look at the screen and go wide-eyed. JAY "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob is gonna lick balls, because they both, in fact, lick balls. Namely each other's." Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, wide-eyed. JAY Eww. (reading further) "Yes--they are real people. Real stupid people. Signed, Darth Randal." (to Bob) Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back! Type this shit down. Silent Bob starts typing as Jay dictates. JAY All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers whole you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit our shit, then eat their shit which is made of our shot that we made 'em eat. Then all you motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob finishes typing and presses "Return". He and Jay nod at each other, then head over to the counter line, looking up at the menu board. JAY That'll fucking show 'em. Now we ear our Egga-Mooby-Muffins, then get back on the road, get to Hollywood, and stop that fucking movie from getting made. No more hairy- bush nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye on the prize, and not let nothing--and I mean NOTHING--distract me. As Jay finishes speaking, he looks to the O.C. doors and freezes. A gorgeous GIRL walks through the front doors, all in SLO-MO to the tune of Prince's The Most Beautiful Girl in the World. She's bathed in light, glowing. She bats her eyelashes, gliding toward us. Jay is mouth-agape wide eyed. Silent Bob looks at him, then at the O.C.Girl. He slowly waves his hand in front of Jay's eyes, getting zero response. JAY'S POV: The Girl smiles at us. His POV goes from her face, down to her breasts, then down to her crotch. Jay moves past Silent Bob and meets the Girl in the middle of the floor. He embraces her and lands a long, sweet kiss on her mouth. After a beat, he starts fumbling like a teenager to get to second base under her shirt, totally incongruous with the music. The Girl kindly tries to deter him. But it's just a fantasy. Jay's still standing there next to Silent Bob, but he is sporting a huge BONER.Silent Bob rolls his eyes. He grabs a soda cup off the counter and sticks it over Jay's boner, just as the Girl joins them in line. She smiles at the zombified Jay. GIRL (off cup) Oh my God. Do you get free refills with that? JAY Oh, what--this? I just wear this for protection. You know--so no guys try to grab my shit. GIRL Hi. I'm Justice. JAY (dreamily) And I am so fucking yours-- Silent Bob pokes Jay, who shakes of his daze. JAY I mean hi. I'm Jay. And this is my hereto life-mate, Silent Bob. JUSTICE It's nice to meet you. JAY Justice, hunh? That's a nice name. (under his breath, to Bob) Jay'n'Justice, sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G-- (back to Justice) So you come here often? JUSTICE Oh, I'm not from around here. My friends and I are taking a road trip, and we just stopped to grab something to eat. JAY Your friends, hunh? Where they at? JUSTICE (pointing) Out there. By that van. Jay and Bob look past Justice to see a VAN with three other gorgeous GIRLS stretching outside of it, throwing their hair around, looking incredibly sexy. Without looking at Silent Bob, Jay quietly says to him-- JAY Dude--I think I just filled the cup. INT. VAN--DAY Jay and Bob climb into the can, getting odd looks from the other Girls, Justice follows them in, tossing the fast food to her friends. JAY Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizz-ouse!!! SISSY Who the fuck are these guys? JUSTICE This is Jay and Silent Bob. (to Jay and Bob) Guys, this is Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy. CHRISSY Where the fuck did they come from? JUSTICE I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride. SISSY I don't know if that's such a great idea. Jussy. JAY Sure it is, Juggs. MISSY Oh my god--he just called Sissy "Juggs"! CHRISSY I'm on it. Chrissy lunges toward Jay, pulling a knife. JUSTICE Chrissy, no! Sissy stops Chrissy, shoving a burger into her hands. SISSY We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. Let's try to act like it. CHRISSY And what-stupid ass little foul-mouthed bitch-boys don't get their balls cut off in suburbia? JAY (oblivious) What's with the knife? We having cake or something? CHRISSY Holy shit--he's retarded, to boot. JAY (to Silent Bob) Yo--she called you retarded. SISSY (to Justice) What's wrong with you, Justice? You do remember where we're going, don't you? MISSY That we do have a job to do? JUSTICE They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. They won't get in the way, I promise. (cutesy) Please? SISSY Fine--they can ride with us. But they're so out of here before we get to Boulder. JUSTICE Honest Injun. CHRISSY "Honest Injun"? (to Sissy) I can't believe what a pushover you are. JAY And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? Suddenly, Jay and Bob are parted by BRENT, who's getting into the van. BRENT Say--what's all this talk about farting? Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy immediately go from disgusted to sweet and airy, totally switching characters. SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSY Hi Brent! SISSY This is Brent. He's with us, too. CHRISSY Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. BRENT Of course they don't! Only skeevy stoners fart. The very white Brent puts his hand out to be slapped by Jay and Silent Bob. BRENT What up, homies? (off the Girls) Wow, Three guys, four girls-- (to Jay and Bob) What's the count boys? Jay and Bob look at each other and roll their eyes. EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The van drives down the road. We hear singing from inside. INT. VAN--DAY Brent strums a guitar and sings, as the Girls and Jay and Bob listen, rolling eyes. BRENT Hey there mister science-guy Don't spray that aerosol in my eye For I don't really want to die I'm a noble rabbit! JAY What're you guys, like a cover band or something? SISSY We're the Kansas State chapter of S.A.A.C.--Students Against Animal Cruelty. CHRISSY And we're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds! Everyone lets out a whoop, except Jay and Bob. JAY What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? BRENT Hey! Watch the language little boy. There are females present. Jay and Silent Bob eyeball Brent, until Justice distracts them. JUSTICE Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform gross experiments on animals. JAY So, what kind of animals are we talking about here--like bears and rhinos? BRENT No--more like rabbits, dogs, cats..heck, even monkeys, If we don't speak for them, who will? (touches Justice's arm) Right, Jussy? Jay sees this and his eyes flare over the competition. Afer a beat, he relaxes. JAY Hey, uh--Brent? Can I talk to you over here for a second? Brent joins Jay, strumming his guitar. Jay addresses him confidentially. JAY Be honest, yo--you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? BRENT I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. JAY Even sheep? BRENT Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures. JAY They are beautiful, aren't they? BRENT Oh God, yes. JAY So then you'd fuck a sheep? BRENT What is your damage little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective. JAY No, you misunderstand me, Prince Valiant. I mean if you were another sheep. Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? BRENT I--suppose so. JAY That's what I thought. (suddenly loudly, to all) YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OF US! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP! EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The side door of the van slides open and Brent gets hurled out of the moving vehicle. Jay throws his guitar at him as well, yelling and flipping the bird as the van drives off. JAY YA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!! EXT. HIGHWAY--LATER The van drives down the road. INT. VAN--SAME Missy drives. Sissy sits in the passenger seat. Chrissy kneels between them. CHRISSY What the fuck are we gonna do now? SISSY Shut up, I'm thinking. In the back, Justice studies some blueprints. Jay joins her, and she quickly folds them up. JAY Is Hollywood near where we're going? JUSTICE Is that where you guys are from? JAY Ch'yeah, right. Jersey represent! JUSTICE Oh, a Jersey Boy. What brings you all the way out here? JAY Well, we couldn't hang in front of the Quick Stop no more, 'cause of the strainen-en order, which sucks ass 'cause it's been like our home since we were kids. Silent Bob even busted his cherry there. JUSTICE (to Bob) You did? I'll bet she was a lucky girl. Bob blushes, Jay doesn't like that Justice's attention has strayed. JAY Look, fuck that fat fuck--I'm trying to tell a story here. JUSTICE Sorry. JAY Anyway, we were talking to Brodie and he said there's gonna be a Bluntman and Chronic movie. So we went to see Holden McNeil, and he showed us the Internet, and that's where we found all these fucking little jerkoffs were saying shit about us. So we decided to go to Hollywood and stop the movie from getting made. And now we're here. JUSTICE Wow. I have no idea what you just said. JAY Yeah, I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh? JUSTICE Sure. JAY That's cool. Even snakes? JUSTICE You can't exclude an animal just because it's not cuddly. Of course I like snakes. JAY How about trouser snakes? JUSTICE What's a trouser snake? Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay's left shoulder. JAY DEVIL (to Jay) What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the setup! Reach in your fucking pants, and pull yer cock out, bitch! That's the kinda shit girls like! Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay's right shoulder. JAY DEVIL 2 Right about here's where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your dick out. But we bitch-slapped that little fuck and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let 'er rip, boy! They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his hand down his pants, getting ready to whip out his dick, when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder, rubbing a swollen jaw. JAY ANGEL Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here? (looks down) Oh, shit--you're not thinking of whipping your dick out at this fine piece of woman, are you? Jay thinks, then nods "Yes." The Jay Angel rolls his eyes, and slaps him. JAY ANGEL Tell you what: look at Silent Bob. See if he thinks it's a good idea to whip your dick out. Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay's hand in his pants to Jay and shakes his head "no," sternly. Jay withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods, satisfied. JAY ANGEL That's it, boy--put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit will do for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the shit out of two suckerpunching little bitches. Remember--don't pull your dick out until she asks you to. (beat) Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg! The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice looks at Jay, a bit confused. JAY Don't ask. (beat) So, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like me do to help the animals? JUSTICE You really don't want to help us-- JAY What the fuck are you talking about? Sure I do. I'd do anything for you. Justice smiles. Jay tries to recover. JAY I mean, youse guys! I'd do anything for youse guys. For the lift and shit. JUSTICE You sure? JAY Sure, I'm sure. I said it, didn't I. Fuck JUSTICE Well--okay. Let me talk it over with the other girls and get back to you. JAY You do that. Jay takes Justice's hand and kisses it. JAY I'll be right here. He winks at her, smiles and moves to the other side of the can, near Silent Bob. He's still smiling at Justice and winking when he looks to Silent Bob who stares at him blankly, then imitates Jay's hand-kissing back at him, Jay scowls. JAY Fuck you. Fatty. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAY The van pulls up and all pile out, stretching. The Girls head toward the store. Justice calls over to Jay and Silent Bob. JUSTICE You guys want anything from inside? JAY No, we're cool, thanks hon. Justice smiles and heads inside. Jay and Silent Bob study the front of the foreign convenience store. They look for a place to lean, try a few spots out, then settle into one. After a beat-- JAY It just ain't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to Quick Stop. Silent Bob shakes his head "Yeah." JAY And speaking of licking balls--how 'bout that Justice chick? She is too fine. And she smells so fucking pretty. She's got a nice voice, too. And that body? Smoking. You know, she never once said "fuck off," when I was talking to her, or pulled out the pepper spray, or nothing. I tell ya, Lunchbox--she could be the one. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY Justice is at the microwave when she's suddenly surrounded by the other girls. MISSY Smooth move, Justice. CHRISSY (slapping Justice upside the head) Nice going, Four Eyes! JUSTICE Ow! SISSY Why the fuck did you let that little stoner throw Brent our of the van?! JUSTICE Oh please--if I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs, I was going to throw him out myself. SISSY We needed Brent, Justice! He was our patsy! JUSTICE We'll find someone else. Besides, I didn't see you trying to stop Jay from throwing him out. SISSY Because I didn't want to blow our cover! JUSTICE Cover, shmover--you all hated his songs, too. CHRISSY Not as much as I hate you. Justice offers Chrissy a cold glance, CHRISSY Fuck, if I don't get to kill someone soon, I'm gonna--fucking kill someone! SISSY (rubbing Chrissy's shoulders) Don't mind Chrissy. She's just a little too wound for sound. CHRISSY Then how about you help me take the edge off? Chrissy grabs Missy forcefully and the pair make out, hot and heavy in the middle of the convenience store. Other customers regard them wide-eyed. JUSTICE (to Customers) They're really good friends. SISSY (TO CHRISSY AND MISSY) Would you two knock it off? We're in the fucking heartland here! Try to blend! JUSTICE They already do--she's the milkmaid, and she's the cow. CHRISSY Oh, I'm a cow, am I? I'm a mad cow, bitch. And now I'm gonna rip your head off and fuck your spine stump. SISSY Enough! (calm to Justice) We have a very simple gang here, Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn, and Missy's the tech-girl. But lately, I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're doing here. JUSTICE That makes two of us. CHRISSY Shit--your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. JUSTICE That's because very few names rhyme with "douchebag." CHRISSY (getting in her face) You're dancing on my last nerve, Strawberry Shortcake. (to Sissy) You deal with the weak link. I'm gonna take Missy into the dirty convenience store bathroom and hate-fuck the shit out of her. Chrissy drags Missy off. Justice and Sissy watch them go. JUSTICE And you said letting them read all that Anais Nin wouldn't amount to anything. SISSY Don't change the subject. You know what you have to do now, right? Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince the little kid and that fat guy to take his place. They've gotta break into Provasik now. JUSTICE Uh-uh! SISSY Uh-huh. You'll do it; or you're out of this gang. Just use the little one's crush to convince him, since he's so fucking in love with you. JUSTICE Jay? No he's not. SISSY What--am I blind? He wasn't kissing your hand back in the van like he was fucking Lord Byron? JUSTICE Well, maybe he was just raised with manners. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY A GIRL walks past Jay and Bob, heading out of the store. JAY (to exited Girl) YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?! (to Bob) Yeah. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY Sissy continues to confront Justice. SISSY You're the one that brought the kid in, Jussy. So you've gotta make amends. JUSTICE Jay is not taking Brent's place as the patsy. SISSY That kid and his quite friend are our only options at this point. Now we got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That gives you plenty of of time to work on him. JUSTICE I'm not gonna do it. SISSY Why the fuck not? JUSTICE Because he's just to so innocent! Justice looks out the window and smiles, seeing Jay dancing alongside Bob. JUSTICE Look at him-- EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE-SAME Jay's dancing still, but now we hear what he's SINGING to Silent Bob. JAY I'm gonna finger-fuck her tight little asshole! Finger-bang and tea-bang my balls--in her mouth! Where? Where? In her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her mouth! Balls, balls, sweaty balls-- INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME Sissy eyeballs Justice, who's still looking out at Jay. SISSY Who's it going to be, Jussy--him or us? Justice looks at Sissy. Sissy nods at her. Justice looks back out at Jay. INT. VAN--DAY Justice talks to Jay and Silent Bob. JAY Steal a monkey? Shit--no problem. JUSTICE It's not really stealing--it's liberating it, and-- (finally hears him) Wait a second--did you say, "No problem"? JAY Yeah, Fuck--we steal monkeys all the time. (to Bob) Right, Lunchbox? Silent Bob glares at Jay. JUSTICE It's not like it's a bad thing. It's for a good cause. JAY Oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri-- (takes her hand) The cause of love. (kisses her hand, then releases) Snoogans-- JUSTICE What the heck is that? JAY What's what? JUSTICE "Snoogans," I believe it was. JAY What the fuck do you think it means? It means "I'm kidding." JUSTICE Ohhh. Well, that's too bad. She smiles at Jay, touches his chin and heads to the front of the van. Jay plays it cool until she's out of sight, then humps silent Bob's leg like a dog. JAY (singing) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey! (speaking) If I'd known it was that easy, I'd've been stealing monkeys since I was like seven and shit. Jay looks at Silent Bob, who clearly disapproves. JAY Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are gonna get married one day, so don't be giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no-monkey" look. I'm Morris Day; you're Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. That girl? That girl's in love with me. Up front, Justice talks to Sissy, while Missy drives. JUSTICE They're gonna do it. SISSY Good. They do their part-- (pats a video camera) And we'll do ours. Justice eyes Sissy, then slumps in her seat. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT The Van rolls up across the street from the Provasik Labs, parking in front of another large building. INT. VAN--SAME Jay and Silent bob get out, along with Justice. They wear Ninja masks. Missy and Chrissy follow. JUSTICE Remember--we meet back here when you're done. You sure you're okay with this? JAY As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen. Chrissy lunges at Jay, Missy holds her back, dragging Chrissy away. JAY What's twisting that bitch's tits? JUSTICE Maybe it's because women don't like to be called "bitches," Jay. JAY They don't? Well how 'bout "piece of ass"? JUSTICE How about not. JAY Well, what the fuck am I supposed to call you, then? JUSTICE Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice. JAY (thinks; then) Boo-Boo Kitty fuck JUSTICE (laughing) Okay.That's a start. Sissy jumps out of the van, holding the video camera, aiming it at Jay and Bob. SISSY Jay, before you go, could you say something into the camera about the clitoris. JAY What? JUSTICE (to Sissy) Man you are such a bitch-- SISSY (off Justice; to Jay) She's just a little embarrassed. See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary for our Human Sexuality class, and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. JAY The female clitoris? SISSY Uh--yeah. JUSTICE Jay, you don't have to do this. She elbows Sissy. JAY Nah, it's cool, hon. There's a few things I can say about the clit that I's like you to hear. (clears throat; into camera) I am the master of the clit! I make that shit work! It does what ever the fuck I tell it to do! No one rules the clit like me! (off Silent Bob) Not this little fuck! None of you little fucks out there! I am the clit commander!!! Remember that--commander of all clits! Jay proceeds to make some pussy-eating faces. Justice shakes her head at Sissy, who snaps the camera closed and smiles. SISSY Awesome. Knock 'em dead, Tiger. Sissy climbs back into the van. JAY (to Justice) So --can I get a little kiss for good luck? Justice smiles at Jay, then kisses him sweetly on the lips. JAY So --can I get a little blow job for good luck? Justice smiles and pulls Jay's mask down. He heads off, revealing Silent Bob behind him, lips puckered, handing in midair. Jay reached back into the frame, pulling Bob out. Justice watches them go. SISSY Jussy. C'mon. Justice climbs back into the van. INT.VAN--SAME Justice sits, glaring at Sissy. SISSY Hey, Lover-girl. You cock-block my authority again, you lose your fucking fronts, you got that? JUSTICE Yes, sir. Sissy takes the tape out of the camera and hands it off to Missy, beside whom is a bag full of high-tech equipment. SISSY Phase One, down. While we're executing Phase Two, you edit that tape and grab a new car. MISSY No sweat. SISSY Let's suit up. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT Jay and Silent bob tuck-and roll- across the front lawn, stopping at the building. Silent Bob pulls a GRAPPLING GUN out of his coat. He fires it into the air as Jay quickly gives the "metal" sign, and the pair are lifted out-of-frame. INT.PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT It's dead quiet and still. Then, the pair smash through a window, landing in the floor in a ball. They lift their Ninja hoods. Jay glares at Silent Bob. JAY You fat fuck-- INT.VAN--NIGHT Missy peers through binoculars out the window. SISSY They in? MISSY You can say that. SISSY Time to shine. Let's go. EXT. VAN--NIGHT The quartet piles out of the van, and we get our first look at them: sexily geared up for action, wearing all black. They head for a SEPARATE BUILDING. Stopping at the front door. Sissy gestures elaborately to Missy, and Missy gestures elaborately back, racing away into the night. Justice offers Sissy a look. JUSTICE You are so gay. Chrissy sticks a box on the door and presses a button. On a digital readout, numbers roll until they stop on four different digits. The door lock CLICKS open. SISSY Once we're inside, I want complete silence. (holding up high-tech device) Missy whipped this up. It counts our decibel level. If it goes into the red--alarm, we're dead. So not even the slightest noise, got it? Justice blows her off. Sissy enters the building, followed closely by Chrissy. Justice lingers at the door, taking one last look back at the Provasik Building, fretting for Jay and Bob. SISSY (pokes her head back out) Justice! Move your ass! Justice heads inside. We PAN up to reveal a sign that reads: BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE. INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHT Jay and Bob stand there, looking around the room. It's lines with cages, all of which contain sad-looking ANIMALS. A tear forms in silent Bob's eye. Jay rolls his eyes and hits him. JAY Stay frosty, you big fucking softie. We've got a job to do. Silent Bob nods and clicks on a flashlight. The pair wade through the cages. Jay stops at an EMERGENCY BOX hanging on the wall. Inside it, there's a pistol. JAY Check this out, Lunchbox. Animal tranquilizer. This shit fucks you up like Percocets! Jay elbows the glass, breaking it. He takes the gun out and tosses it to Bob. JAY Hold this. Later, me and Justice can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies. Bunnggg. Silent Bob rolls he eyes and sticks the gun in his coat. The pair look through the cages, until HEAR the distinct SOUND OF A MONKEY. Jay directs Silent Bob's flashlight to the cage from where the sound emitted. He smiles. JAY (reading) "Suzanne." Boo-yah. INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT The three Girls stand at the end of a large hallway. At the other end is a glass case, full of DIAMONDS. Sissy pulls and aerosol can from her utility belt and sprays the air in the hallway. She watches the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly at the sound of the spray. Suddenly, within the mist, laser beams become apparent. Sissy hands the decibel monitor to Chrissy and takes a few steps back, shaking her hands to limber up. She then runs forward and does an impressive series of flips down the hallway, not touching a single laser beam. Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly. Once Sissy's flipping comes to a stop at the other end of the hallway near the Diamond case, she makes a hand gesture to Justice. Justice nods, and proceeds to do the same series of flips down the hallway, not tripping the alarm. Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly. Justice lands beside Sissy, and then Sissy gestures to Chrissy. Chrissy tosses the decibel monitor over the laser beams, Sissy catches it, and the monitor rises only slightly. Then, Chrissy proceeds with her series of flips, which are even more impressive than the other two, including running up walls and pushing into handstand flips. When she passes the last laser beam, she lands between Sissy and Justice, arms in the air like a gymnast. Then, she lets out a loud, manly FART. The decibel monitor goes red and an alarm starts RINGING through the building. CHRISSY Holy fuck--the little stoner was right-- Sissy shutters the glass surrounding the Diamonds. She ours them into a bag, and races back down the hallway, followed by Justice and Chrissy. EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT The Girls emerge from the Diamond Exchange, just as Missy pulls up in a CONVERTIBLE. CHRISSY Boom Box! Missy tosses a metal box to Chrissy, who catches it and races toward the van, while Sissy and Justice pile into the convertible. SISSY I can't believe it. Months of planning and it's all blown by a fucking fart. JUSTICE We can't just leave them like this! That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute! SISSY That was always the plan, Justice! They take the heat off of is long enough until we can get out of town! Chrissy attaches the metal box to the side of the van. CHRISSY Kaboom, you little stoner fucks. The girls pull up in the convertible and Chrissy jumps into the car with them. CHRISSY It's set. Let's roll. The convertible screeches away, leaving the can sitting there. The metal has magnetically attached to the side is counting down from two minutes. INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHT Jay and Bob carry a large canvas bag between them. Something seems to move inside it. The head for the exit, but Silent bob hesitates, offering a sad look to the animals in all the cages. Jay hits him. JAY What the fuck are you looking at? There ain't no snacks here, man! Now we got what we came for, so let's get the fuck out! Silent Bob half-gestures to the cages, forlorn. Jay shakes his head frustrated. JAY Yeah, it's sad! But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? Silent bob offers Jay a look. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT The front doors burst open, spilling out Jay, Silent Bob (carrying their bag),and HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--cats, dogs, birds, rabbits. All race off into the night. Jay and Bob race toward the van. Jay screams at it. JUSTICE JUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS! Suddenly, Jay and Bob stop dead in their tracks. JAY Oh shit-- Three COP CARS screech up, the van between them and Jay and Bob. The COPS leap out of their cruisers, guns drawn. Jay looks to Bob, pissed COP DROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNS EXPLOSIVE! The counter on the device attached to the van hits "0," and the van BLOWS UP. Jay and Bob get thrown backwards in one direction, the Cops in the other. On all fours, Jay looks at the burning shell of the van, a tear forming in his eye. JAY Justice-- We crane up from him as he bellows-- JAY JUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!! Silent Bob grabs Jay and drags him out of frame, still carrying the bag. EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY We start on a sign on the door that reads: Federal Wildlife Marshal, Colorado Field Office, then pull back to see a DEPUTY opening the door and heading inside. INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY The Deputy enters just as a FAX is coming through at an operations board. He rips it off, reading it. His eyes go wide. DEPUTY Oh, fudge . . . . . (calling off) Marshal Willenholly! INT.BATHROOM--SAME MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY sits on the bowl, staring at Four Legged Law-Man magazine, eyeing it lustily. Below frame, he jerks off. WILLENHOLLY Yeah, you chug that ass-cock baby--It takes two hands to hold doesn't it--? Uhhh-- As he climaxes, a ganging at the door disrupts him. WILLENHOLLY WHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING! DEPUTY (O.C.) Sir, we got a report of a break-in at Provasik Pharmaceuticals' testing lab. Willenholly emerges from the bathroom, holding the magazine. There's a massive wet spot on the front of his pants. WILLENHOLLY Have you read this article on the mule-suckers in Tijuana? Good God, I wish that was in our jurisdiction--I's shut down every last one of those ass-cock chuggers, personally. The Deputy looks at the stain on Willenholly's pants, then at Willenholly. WILLENHOLLY What? "Ass" means "donkey." DEPUTY Yes, sir. (hands him a fax) WILLENHOLLY (looks at fax) Boulder, hunh? Well, gas up the jet. DEPUTY We don't have a jet, sir. And Boulder's only ten minutes away. WILLENHOLLY Then gas up the next best thing. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAY There are FIRE TRUCKS all over the place now. The burned out van is being poured over by Cops. Just then, Willenholly pulls up on a MOPED. He parks it and surveys the wreckage. WILLENHOLLY My, oh my, oh my. Who let the cats out? (thinks) Wait--is that right? COP 1 (O.C.) Excuse me--who the hell are you? Willenholly rips down the Velcro patch on his jacket, revealing a badge. WILLENHOLLY Federal Wildlife Marshal. This investigation is now under my jurisdiction. COP 1 Oh really? And why is that? WILLENHOLLY Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir. COP 1 Well, we believe that was just a diversionary tactic used to call attention away from the real heist over here at the Diamond Exchange. WILLENHOLLY Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. It sounds more like something out of a bad movie. Willenholly and the Cop look at the camera. Then, another COP joins them. COP 2 Sir, the Provasik people say they've rounded all their animals up, except for one: an orangutan. WILLENHOLLY Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our fugitive has been on the run for 6 hours! Average simian foot speed over uneven ground--barring injuries or preoccupation with tire tubes, mites or bananas--is four miles an hour. That gives us a radius of twenty miles. COP 3 (calling out from crowd) Twenty-four, sir! WILLENHOLLY What? COP 3 Six hours times four miles an hour is twenty-four. WILLENHOLLY (doing the math in his head) Yes. Yes, you're right. My bad. Twenty-four miles. Now what I want out of all of you is a hard target search. COP 4 Excuse me, sir? WILLENHOLLY Yeah? COP 4 What does that mean, exactly--a "hard target search"? What's a "hard target"? WILLENHOLLY Well. It's--a target--that's--hard. Anyway-- COP 4 So are you referring to the search's level of difficulty? Or is the hard target the monkey? COP 3 Or the people who stole the monkey? The COPS now chatter amongst themselves, to the effect of "Yeah--It could mean that too--He's got a point--,"etc. Willenholly rubs his temples. WILLENHOLLY Okay, how about this? What I want out of all of you is a thorough search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area! Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles! COP 1 Wouldn't it make sense to put them up at every twenty-four miles--seeing as that's how far they'd have gotten in the last six hours? They begin chattering amongst themselves again. Willenholly looks at them all, defeated. He starts to cry. WILLENHOLLY This is so frustrating. It's just so hard sometimes-- (yelling) YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GO FIND HER! Another COP joins Willenholly, carrying a large, fat envelope. COP 5 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. WILLENHOLLY What is it? COP 5 It's a tape from the terrorists who're claiming credit for the break-in. WILLENHOLLY Is it VHS or Beta? You know what--never mind. Do you have a VCR? INT. OFFICE--DAY Willenholly and the Cops stare at the O.C. TV, shocked, as the video ends. WILLENHOLLY Oh my God-- (without looking up) Have the jet gassed up and ready to go at a moment's notice. COP Sir, we don't have a jet; just a helicopter. WILLENHOLLY (dialing his cell phone) Doesn't anybody have a jet anymore? (into cell phone) Plafsky? It is Willenholly. You gotta get me on the national news, pronto. Why?! Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet! EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY Jay and Silent Bob sit close to each other, staring at-- SUZANNE (the ORANGUTAN)--who sits on a log across from them, staring back. JAY This is Jussy's monkey (to Suzanne, angrily) JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEY FUCK! Suzanne covers her eyes with her hands suddenly. Jay and Silent Bob, startle, with Jay leaping behind Silent Bob and pulling back as if he's going to strike. JAY (to Silent Bob) Do something. Tons of Fun! Silent Bob offers the ape a weak wave. Suzanne drops her hands from her face and waves back. Jay cranes his neck to see over silent Bob. JAY Is that fucking thing waving at us? Suzanne nods. Jay steps out from behind Bob. They state at the ape. JAY Holy shit? That monkey understood us! Maybe it's some sort of super-monkey! Suzanne offer them a "raspberry." Spitting as if the comment was ridiculous. Jay and Silent Bob react with surprise at this. JAY What the fuck was that for? It's not a stupid idea! I seen it in Congo? Suzanne holds her nose, as if to say, "Congo stunk." Silent Bob smiles in agreement and amusement. Jay looks at him, stung. JAY You're my bitch. You get my back. Don't go joining this chimp's side. Jay looks around the woods, formulating a thought. Silent Bob moves toward the ape, extending his hand to shake hers. JAY Yo--what if there's more super monkeys up in the lab? Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there! Holy shit! Maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the X-Files Roswell--style! JAY'S DELUSION: We enter into JAY'S HEAD and see-- INT. LAB--DAY We PAN over from a chimp in a chemist's coat measuring liquids in a pair of beekers to a chimp at a drafting table skecthing blueprints for an insidious war machine. An orangutan shakes hands with a group of five well-dressed men, one of which looks like the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files. JAY (V.O.) Working in secret with a crew of double-dealing, nicotine-fiending fucks that're selling out the human race, these supermonkeys will use simian science and their genius IQ's to make man and monkey alike believe that they're the superior species! EXT. BALCONY--DAY A monkey dressed like Mussolini addresses a huge crowd of apes, who wave fists in the air. JAY (V.O.) Then all it'll take is one little monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the dumber chimps into a frenzy, until they go all ape-shit and start demanding more bananas, better pay, and human flesh! EXT. FIELD--DAY Randal leads a pack of humans racing through a cornfield, and is shot in the neck. He collapses, revealing a GORILLA on horseback holding a rifle. Two other Gorillas throw a net over him. JAY (V.O.) You'll have to be faster than Walt Flanagan's Dog to outrun the warrior gorillas, who hunt humans for sport, profit, and the occasional inter-species blow-job. And if you don't wind up with a monkey hog in your mouth, you'll be captured, killed or worse.. INT. LAB--DAY Cornelius and Zera-looking chimps dissect the brain of a living, screaming, Dante. JAY (V.O.) Eaten alive! EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY The Quick Stop is overrun by vines in a jungle like atmosphere. Monkeys exit the store carrying bunches of bananas. The sign now reads: Ape Stop JAY (V.O.) Then these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. EXT.BEACH--DAY We start on a FULL SHOT of Jay on the beach, looking up, then SNAP ZOOM OUT to REVEAL Jay kneeling before the beach buried Statue of Liberty, screaming, his arms raised. JAY (V.O.) And only those who outwit those damn dirty apes'll ever remember that it was MAN who once ruled the earth! JAY (at statue) YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!! We DISSOLVE from this image to: EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY Another close-up of Jay's painted face. Behind him, Suzanne and Silent Bob are playing patty-cake. Jay eyes Suzanne angrily. JAY Not on my watch, motherfucker! Jay turns and rushes Suzanne, ferociously. JAY DIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!! Jay trips on a root poking out of the ground and hits the dirt. Suzanne then goes over to Jay, pulls his face to hers, and kisses him on the lips. JAY Alright--you can live. For now. Silent Bob helps Jay to his feet. JAY You see that? Bitches love me. (heading off) Besides--we're in the fucking clear, yo. It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. INT.TV NEWS STATION--DAY An ANCHORMAN addresses the camera. ANCHORMAN I'm Reg Hartner and this is a News Now bulletin. A Provasik animal testing facility in boulder was the focus of an attack by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves the Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers. Or simply, C.L.I.T. A graphic of the C.L.I.T. logo appears beside him, nailing home the joke. ANCHORMAN In a videotape sent to authorities this morning, credit for the liberation of an orangutan from the lab last night is taken by these men-- A VIDEO CAPTURE of JAY and SILENT BOB from pre break--in appears on screen. ANCHORMAN --identified in literature that accompanies the tape as Jay and Silent Bob. In this chilling clip, they make it very clear that they are in control of the C.L.I.T. On screen is the C.L.I.T. Logo. A digitized voice narrates. DIGITIZED VOICE We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader. The logo gives way to the video of Jay and Bob that Sissy shot before the Provasik break- in. Jay's yelling into the camera. JAY I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!! Coming out of the video footage, the Anchorman shakes his head, chilled. ANCHORMAN Terrifying. Here to help us understand this footage is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. PULL OUT to reveal Willenholly beside the Anchorman. ANCHORMAN Marshal, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T.? WILLENHOLLY From the intelligence we've been able to gather, we've discovered that the C.L.I.T. is a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A. ANCHORMAN The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement. WILLENHOLLY Exactly. The men you saw in the video are believed to be the masterminds responsible for the frenzied C.L.I.T. activity last night. They go by the obvious code names "Jay" and "Silent Bob." (to camera) If you should come across them or any other C.L.I.T.-ies, please--exercise extreme caution. INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHT On the TV screen is Willenholly and the video capture of Jay and Silent Bob. Holden looks up from his drawing table, shocked. ANCHORMAN (O.C.) (from TV) Marshal, how do you respond to allegations that Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office allowed the C.L.I.T. to slip through their fingers? WILLENHOLLY (O.C. Nonsense. We're all over the C.L.I.T., Reg. HOLDEN (shakes his head) Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian. INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT From behind the register, Dante and Randal stare at the TV, slack-jawed. ANCHORMAN (O.C.) (from TV) Is there also speculation that Jay and Silent bob may be responsible for the Diamond Exchange jewel heist that occurred in the same vicinity of downtown Boulder last night? WILLENHOLLY (O.C.) There's nothing to suggest that, no. But these men are still to be considered very dangerous. RANDAL (to Dante) I told you that restraining order was a good idea. EXT.SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAME On the second-floor terrace of a run-down, roadside motel, Sissy, Missy and Chrissy dance in their undies and drink champagne. On the first floor terrace below, Justice leans against the open sliding glass door, watching the news report on a TV inside the room with the volume turned way up. ANCHORMAN (on TV) Is that your cell phone? WILLENHOLLY (on TV) Yes, Excuse me. (on TV, into cell phone) Federal Wildlife Marshal. I'm on my way! (shuts phone; to anchorman) We got 'em. They're in Utah. (to camera) Citizens of Utah--steer clear of the C.L.I.T. Stimulation of the C.L.I.T. is not recommended. Justice turns the TV off and yells up to Sissy. JUSTICE Your tape worked. The news is all about Jay and Silent Bob's Provasik break-in, with almost no mention of the Diamond heist. SISSY (yelling down to Justice) I told you those two were the perfect patsies. Now we lay low for awhile--just in case-- and start planning the next job. JUSTICE Don't you feel any regret? Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet. CHRISSY The only thing I regret is not gutting that little trout-mouthed prick like a fish and playing Twister with his vitals. MISSY You are so nasty. CHRISSY I'll show you nasty, you little slut. SISSY Would you two get a room? CHRISSY Fine--we'll take yours. (getting up in Sissy's face) I am gonna stain your sheets, bi-otch. Chrissy dances away with Missy, heading inside. Sissy rolls her eyes. SISSY Sarah Lawrence girls. Go figure. JUSTICE They're your gang. SISSY Oh and not yours? You know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be all about the girl stuff: stealing, boning, blowing shit up. Now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag. JUSTICE We all gotta grow up some time. SISSY If moping around over some little boy you're crushing on is being grown-up, then pass me my Wonder Woman underoos. JUSTICE Don't you feel the least bit of guilt for what we did to those guys? SISSY Awww. Does Jussy-wussy feel all dirty about setting up her boyfriend? Then how about taking a shower? Sissy dumps the bag of diamonds over the side of the terrace. They rain down on Justice below. Just then a PIZZA DELIVERY GUY approaches the lower terrace, carrying a stack of pizzas. PIZZA DELIVERY GUY You the gals that ordered the pizzas? SISSY This dopey bitch ordered the large plain, but I could go for some hot, thick, Sicilian. PIZZA DELIVERY GUY No charge, lady. He rushes into the motel, Justice sighs, looking up at the stars. JUSTICE (quietly) I'm sorry, Jay. INT. DINER--DAY Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne sit at a booth, eating. Jay chews a burger while Silent Bob eats pancakes and Suzanne digs into a banana split. JAY You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey, so maybe we should keep her around. That way, we can honor her memory. Silent bob and Suzanne are oblivious, digging into their food. JAY Look at you Tubby Bitches. I'm waxing all sentimental, and you're all about a fucking meal and shit. Now ain't you glad we stopped to eat? And you were all piss-scared the cops'd bust us or something. You know what I say? (singing, a la NWA) VOICE (O.C.) (via bullhorn) THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDER THE ORANGUTAN! Jay and Bob freeze and go wild-eyed for a beat. Then-- JAY You think they're talking to us? EXT. DINER--DAY There's a few COP CARS outside, and the SHERIFF is yelling at the diner through his bullhorn. Beside him are the other COPS. SHERIFF YOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY. (to other COPS) Fuck it, Let's give 'em thirty. Suddenly Willenholly rushes up, dramatically ducking behind the car, gun drawn. SHERIFF The ape. WILLENHOLLY What? SHERIFF An orangutan's a member of the great ape family. It's not a monkey. WILLENHOLLY Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here? (into bullhorn) JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY! YOUR C.L.I.T. DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. SURRENDER THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY, AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT! INT. DINER--DAY Jay, Suzanne, and Silent Bob peer over the top of their booth, like scared rats. JAY What the fuck are you waiting for? Go out there and give 'em the monkey. Silent Bob looks to Jay, shocked. JAY Oh, what, man? I said that shit before I knew they were gonna shoot us! Yes--Jussy was a hottie, but I ain't takin' no bullet for no monkey! Bob pulls Suzanne close to him, welling up with tears. Jay rolls his eyes. JAY Oh, brother--this is like something out of fucking Benji! Look man, maybe it's not that bad back at the lab! Maybe they experiment on 'em by, like making 'em fuck a bunch of different, good-looking monkeys. We don't know! Maybe they got it real sweet! Suzanne shakes her head "no." Bob points to her, as if she's strengthening his point. JAY (to Suzanne) You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp! (looks around thinking) Fuck man, I ain't no strategist! You're the guy that makes the blueprints! I don't even have the fucking smarts of a little-- Jay's eyes fall on a scared FAMILY in a nearby booth. There's a little kid (around five or so), and he's wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a baseball cap. JAY --kid EXT. DINER--DAY Willenholly's on the bullhorn, yelling at the diner. The Sheriff looks on. WILLENHOLLY ANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEY BETTER HIT THE DECK! WE'RE GOING TO OPEN FIRE! (to cops) Everyone has bullets in their guns, right? Jay and Silent Bob emerge from the diner, with Suzanne between them (they're holding her raised hands). She's now dressed up in the sweatshirt and jeans the kid was wearing in the diner, with the baseball cap pulled down over her face. It's a pretty piss-poor disguise. JAY Don't shoot! We're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment! From behind the cop car, the Sheriff looks to Willenholly. SHERIFF Their "son"? WILLENHOLLY Maybe they're one of those gay couples? Jay seizes on the idea. Silent Bob nods fervently. JAY Yeah! We're gay! And this is our adopted love child! We're not from around here! Don't make us go back to our liberal city home with a tales of prejudice and bigotry in the heart of Utah! (whispers to Bob) You see the shit I gotta put up with for you! Now I got this guy thinking I'm gay! WILLENHOLLY Oh God, this is the last thing I need---a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouth off in the liberal press that the Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office persecutes gays. SHERIFF ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAY BE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T THEIR SON! THAT'S THE APE! WILLENHOLLY You see this badge? I think I'd recognize an ape if I saw one. And the only thing I do recognize here is a political fiasco I'm, going to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go! Jay is whispering to Silent Bob, still vexed by-- JAY And I'll tell you another thing: what if that guy shows up around the stores one day and starts telling everybody you and me are poo-gilists? How are we gonna get any pussy then, hunh? WILLENHOLLY (V.O.) YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS! Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, shocked. They look back out at Willenholly, who's yards away. Jay points at himself, as if to say, "Me?" WILLENHOLLY (via bullhorn) YES, YOU,SIRS. JAY (calling over) So we can just go? WILLENHOLLY (via bullhorn) Yes, sir-- or ma'am. Please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox- but-constitutionally-protected-family unit. SHERIFF (amazed) Un-fucking believable. JAY I'd like to offer a big gay thank-you, sir. We'll tell all our gay friends that Utah is Gay friendly country for gays who are gay. WILLENHOLLY I'm sure Utah appreciates that. You might also want to make it clear that the Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office is also pro-'mo as well. (winks at the sheriff) And might I add, that's one fine-looking boy you're raising. JAY Well, that's 'cuz he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up a hot woman friend of ours who I also fuck on the side. So as not to be all-the-way-gay. But my tubby husband here is one hundred percent queer. He loves the cock. WILLENHOLLY He certainly looks insatiable. JAY 'Bye WILLENHOLLY 'Bye Jay, silent Bob and Suzanne head off down the road. Willenholly and all watch them go. The Sheriff is livid. WILLENHOLLY Well, it's not my way--but damned if there doesn't go one happy family. (balloon two) Now, we just shoot some tear gas into that diner, and when the two guys run out with the monkey, we'll-- Willenholly suddenly freezes, thinking. He looks to the Sheriff. WILLENHOLLY That was the them, wasn't it? EXT.ROAD--DAY Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne are laughing. JAY I said you "love the cock"! I gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive! GUNSHOTS RING OUT, and bullets whiz by the trio, who are now in full panic mode. Willenholly and the Cops race after them, firing. Jay, Bob and Suzanne race away, ducking bullets. JAY FLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!! EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY The trio race across what looks like a bridge (but isn't), shots still ringing out. Jay spots a manhole. He points at it, screaming. JAY HEAD FOR THE SEWERS! Silent Bob pops the cover off, With bullets ricocheting all around them, Jay leaps into the manhole. INT. SEWER TUNNEL Jay lands in a sewer tunnel (like in The Fugitive). Suzanne lands on top of him. JAY Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape! (yelling up) YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP! EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY Bullets hitting the pavement around him, Silent bob dives into the sewer grate as well, but-- INT. SEWER TUNNEL Silent Bob gets stuck. Jay rolls his eyes. JAY You fat fuck. Silent Bob struggles while Jay and Suzanne try to pull him through the hole. JAY You just --had to--order pancakes--didn't ya? EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME CLOSER on the running Willenholly and Sheriff. WILLENHOLLY Fire a warning shot into that bulbous ass! SHERIFF One rectal breach, coming up! INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME Jay and Suzanne pull with all their might. Bob strains. JAY SUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!! EXT.DAM ROAD--SAME TIGHT on the Sheriff, as he squints to aim. SHERIFF Open up and say "ahhhhh," you stoner sumbitch-- INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME TIGHT on Silent Bob bellowing. SILENT BOB AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY The Sheriff's gun fires. INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME Jay and Suzanne fall backwards, as Silent Bob pops through. JAY INCOMING!!! SILENT BOB AAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! SUZANNE OOOOOOOOO!!! EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY The bullet ricochets off the curb, as Silent Bob's feet slip through. INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne are in various states of collapse. Jay and Bob look up at the hole. JAY Just like Winnie-the-Pooh. EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY Willenholly and the Sheriff arrive at the manhole. WILLENHOLLY Wow! That was an incredibly daring escape! (to Sheriff) You must see that a lot, hunh? SHERIFF Shut up! WILLENHOLLY Sire, you're very taciturn. Willenholly starts rolling up his sleeves as the sheriff looks on. WILLENHOLLY You and your men stay up here. When I corner them, I'll call you for back-up. SHERIFF What're you doing? They're trapped. The only way they can get out of there is right here. WILLENHOLLY A Federal Wildlife Marshal doesn't wait for his prey to come to him. He comes to it. Or goes to it. Is it "comes to it" or "goes to it"? (shakes it off) I'm going in there. I'm counting on you Sheriff. Willenholly embraces the Sheriff. WILLENHOLLY You've taught me so much. Willenholly then climbs into the sewer, disappearing. The Cops look at the Sheriff for a beat, who heads O.C. saying-- SHERIFF Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to the station and get some donuts. INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY TIGHT on Jay, Bob, and Suzanne, looking into the distance, bathed by natural light. We HEAR the loud sounds of water rushing. JAY This reminds me of the night I fucked your mom, yo. One big-wet, smelly, gaping hole, and me wishing I had a board tied to my ass-- PULL BACK to reveal Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne standing at the precipice of the sewer tunnel that pokes out of a DAM. Water rushed below. JAY --to keep from falling in. WILLENHOLLY PUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDS UP! Willenholly aims his gun at the trio's backs. WILLENHOLLY MISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!? Our heroes comply, but Jay speaks. JAY LOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON HER! (beat) AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLY GAY! WILLENHOLLY I DON'T CARE! (beat) AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'T REALLY A LITTLE BOY. JAY SURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD-- (pointing to Silent Bob) HE LOVES COCK! WILLENHOLLY ON YOUR KNEES! Jay and Silent Bob face Willenholly and kneel. But Suzanne's still looking out of the dam. JAY See, man?! He's lining us up like fucking circus seals! Well, I'm going first--I don't want no mouthful of monkey-spit when I gotta blow this fucking G-Man. TIGHT on Suzanne, who's looking down at the raging water below. Her brow hardens with purpose. TIGHT on Suzanne's right hand grabbing Jay's right hand. TIGHT on Suzanne's left hand grabbing Bob's left hand. Suzanne leaps forward at us, pulling Jay and Silent Bob backwards. JAY GET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!! EXT. DAM--DAY Suzanne leaps from the mouth of the tunnel, dragging Jay and Bob with her. JAY AND BOB AAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!! INT.SEWER TUNNEL--DAY Willenholly goes wide-eyed, holstering his gun. WILLENHOLLY Oh, no--think you can pull a Peter Pan on me?! He races toward the mouth of the tunnel and leaps out as well. WILLENHOLLY AAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!! EXT. DAM--DAY As Willenholly plummets, he passes Suzanne hanging by her feet off a pipe that pokes out from beneath the mouth of the tunnel. She's hanging upside down, holding Jay and Silent Bob's hands. JAY HEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK --SMOKER!!! EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAY Willenholly plummets toward the water below and ker-splashes into the drink. EXT. DAM--DAY Suzanne has pulled Jay and Silent Bob back into the mouth of the tunnell. JAY You see that shit? Damn--remind me not to get on the monkey's bad side. Yo--boost her up. So we can talk, so we can get the fuck out of here. Silent Bob lifts Suzanne over the tunnel onto the-- EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY --pavement near the manhole. She sits there, looking down. EXT.DAM--DAY Silent Bob lifts Jay over the top of the tunnel toward the road, EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY Suzanne sits by the side of the road. A car pulls into the shot. Jay and Silent Bob climb over the cliff onto the highway just in time to see-- The passenger door slamming on a TRUCK with Los Angeles plates and a sign that reads CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. Suzanne is looking out the back window waving. Jay and Bob leap to their feet, chasing after the truck. JAY HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF HER, MAN! THAT'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MONKEY?! The truck speeds away in the distance. Jay and Silent Bob stand there, panting. JAY Man! Who the fuck just steals a monkey?! Silent Bob indicates themselves. JAY Oh yeah. (pissed) Well this fucking blows! We got one more day to stop those fucks from making that movie, and someone goes and takes the only thing I had left from the one woman I ever loved enough NOT to try to stick my hand down her pants! Silent Bob mimes that they should go after Suzanne. JAY Go after the monkey? How the fuck are we supposed to know where that thing's going? Silent Bob mimes in the direction the car went. Jay stares at him. JAY What? What is that supposed to mean?! Don't just fucking point like-- (imitates him) You ain't the broad in the Children of a Lesser God. Use you fucking mouth for more than eating, ya tubby bitch! Bob starts an elaborate pantomime. Jay tries to guess what he's saying. JAY You gotta take a shit? No--you gotta take a salad? Take a salad? What the fuck are you trying to say? Bob's on the verge of tears, trying to mime out his message. JAY JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?!? Silent Bob grabs Jay and screams into his face. SILENT BOB THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU DUMB FUCK!!! Bob releases Jay, breathing heavily and storms off in the direction of the car went. Jay watched him go for a beat, then follows, muttering under his breath-- JAY Say it, don't spray it, bitch. EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY An ESTABLISHING SHOT. SHERIFF (O.C.) "And might I add, that's one fine-looking boy you're raising." INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY The Sheriff and his men stand around, eating donuts, laughing. The Station doors slam open, and Willenholly enters, soaking wet. All the Cops stare at him. SHERIFF Well, if it isn't the wildlife experts. Did you come to it or go to it? WILLENHOLLY Do you have a microwave here, Sheriff? SHERIFF We have a toaster oven. Why? WILLENHOLLY Because I need to dry my gun out so I can SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE! SHERIFF This might cheer you up. (hands him paper) Your office just faxed this over. Guy there say it's a post from an Internet chat board, signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob." Your man thinks it's a lead as to where those fellas are taking the ape. WILLENHOLLY (reading) "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood--" (looks up) They're going to Hollywood. EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGE We take a quick visual tour of the city, including the sign, the line of front of Krispy Kreme, the line in front of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, the Simpson star in the Walk- of- Fame, the Rocky and Bullwinkle statue, the Beverly Center, Jerry's Famous Deli, the Hollywood and Vine sign, Mann's Chinese Theatre, the Star Wars footprints outside of Mann's, the Chateau Marmont, people on cell phones, Trashy Lingerie. HOOKERS propositioning a potential JOHN, and finally-- EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAY We start on the street sign, and PAN DOWN to a JEEP WRANGLER that pulls up. A gorgeous woman in sunglasses drives, with Silent Bob sitting in the back seat. After a beat, Jay pops up from under the dash, wiping his mouth, looking around. The Woman sighs, and zips up her pants. Jay and Bob hop out and wave to the Woman as the car pulls away. Bob offers Jay a look. JAY What? It's not like it's cheating. Justice blew up. Two HOOKERS approach them. HOOKER 1 Hey, little man. You want some of this? HOOKER 2 How about you, Big Boy? HOOKER 1 If you've got fifty bucks we can get nasty. JAY Oh yeah? How nasty? HOOKER 2 As nasty as you wanna be, poppie. JAY Alright--first, I'll want to tongue your bung while you juggle my balls in one hand and play with my asshole with the other. But don't stick you finger in. Then. I'll wanna pinky you and put it in your friend's brown, while Silent Bob spanks into a Dixie cup. After that, I'll wanna smell your titties, for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick, so it looks like a Bullfrog. Then I want you to flick at my nuts while your friend spanks me into the same Dixie cup Silent Bob jizzed in. Then we throw the Dixie cup out. The Hookers look at him, dumbfounded, Then-- HOOKER 1 Oh, that's it honey. I quit. (walking away) This job just passed the point of no return. HOOKER 2 (to Jay) You one fucked up puppy, poppie. JAY (watching them go) What?! You said 'nasty'? (shakes his head; to Bob) Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck up. EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATER Jay and Silent Bob walk. JAY Alright, here's the plan: first, we find out where they're shooting that movie at. After we shut that shit down, we can start looking for the monkey. But before we do any of that shit, we gotta find a motherfucker in the know. Someone who's like, the mayor of Hollywood. They pass a DEALER leaning against a wall, trying to make a sale. DEALER (subtly) Crack? You want some crack? Sweet-ass rock. Get you high. JAY No man, but you want some weed? DEALER (beat) You on the job? JAY (pulling out a card) Yeah, boy. Jersey Local 408. CLOSE ON THE CARD.It reads: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OF DEALERS, LOCAL 408. There's a graphic of a stoner beside it. DEALER I'm Los Angeles Local 305! They shake hands, slapping each other on the back like Union brothers. DEALER You guys got medical in Jersey yet? JAY Shit, no, we might have to strike in September. DEALER Norma Rae like a motherfucker. You gots to get your benefits, you know what I'm saying? JAY I hear that. Yo--maybe you can help us out. You know where they're shooting a movie around here. DEALER You in this town and you gonna ask that question? Be a little more specific. JAY It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust it up so people stop calling us names on the Internet, even though they're not really talking about us but these characters based on us, and at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend-who-got-killed-in-a-car-explosion's monkey. Jay exhales. The Dealer stares at him for a beat. DEALER I don't know that the fuck you just said, little kid. But you touched a brother's heart, so I'm gonna help you out with some directions to the studio. JAY You know where Miramax is at? DEALER Fuck, yes. Miramax accounts for seventy-eight percent of my business. INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAY After E! news logo plays. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO in studio. STEVE KMETKO Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office tells us a posting was pulled off an Internet movie chat board that was allegedly written by the two domestic terrorists themselves. It's sending a shockwave through Hollywood. Jules Asner's on the scene at Miramax Studios, Jules? Jules Asner is in front of the Miramax Studios main gate. JULES ASNER Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today, after the Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office learned that hot, new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob are targeting Miramax Studios for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey-theft. In the posting, pulled off Movie Poop Shoot.com, the gruesome twosome threatened, quote-- (reading) "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax Expletive-Deleted who are making the Bluntman and Chronic movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our Expletive-Deleted, then Expletive-Deleted, which is made up of our Expletive-Deleted, then eat their Expletive- Deleted, which is made up of our Expletive-Deleted that we made 'em eat. Unquote. So far, we haven't been able to get a statement from anyone here are the studio. BACK TO STEVE in the E! Studio. STEVE Jules, word has it that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are on the lot, shooting a super- secret project. Have you seen then roaming around? BACK TO JULES at Miramax Studios. JULES No,Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda at a concession stand earlier. STEVE But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? JULES None whatsoever. However, to be fair, all the feds have to work with is murky videotape, so no one's even a hundred percent sure what Jay and Silent Bob look like, exactly. For all we know, they could already be on the lot. As Jules speaks, Jay and Bob walk into the frame behind her, looking up at the studio sign. They then notice the camera and start waving behind Jules. INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAY Justice goes wide-eyed, seeing Jay and Bob on E! She hops out of her seat. JUSTICE Oh my God! Jay! No! Justice looks around , panicky. Her eyes fall on-- The diamonds, sitting atop the satchel on the table. Justice looks at the diamonds, then the TV screen. She thinks for a beat, then-- JUSTICE Fuck it. She pours the diamonds into the satchel, and shoves it in her pocket. INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAY The door slowly opens in the dark bedroom, and Justice crawls to the bedside table, reaching for a set of keys. In the bed, Missy and Chrissy make out under the sheets, moaning. Sissy's banging the Pizza Delivery Guy against the vanity. Justice grabs the keys, leaving a note in their place. As she crawls back out, we PUSH IN on the note, which reads: SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM. EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAY The convertible skids out, taking off. INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAY There's a loud scream, then Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy rush down the stairs ( in varied states of undress and sheet-wrap). Wiping their mouths. Sissy holds Justices's note. SISSY That bitch! That fucking, fucking bitch!!! (to girls) Get dressed. We're going after her. CHRISSY Fuck that, I didn't get to cum yet. SISSY Which is more important to you: a fortune in diamonds or busting a nut? Sissy and Missy race back up the stairs. Chrissy stands there still, shrugs, then digs her hand into her panties. SISSY (O.C.) Chrissy! Now! CHRISSY Fuck-- Chrissy races back up the stairs. EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAY The E! NEWS CREW packs up. Jay and Silent Bob study the main gate. They watch the SECURITY GUARD approach a car that's just pulled up. The Guard checks the driver's pass, then lifts the gate to let the car through. Jay looks to Bob. JAY We gotta play this right. Bob nods, After a beat, the pair tear-ass past the guard booth. The GUARD leaps out of the booth, blowing a whistle and giving chase. EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAY Jay and Bob race around the building toward what looks like an open alley then smash into it, falling down. The open alley is a background painting that's being moved by some SCENICS. Jay and Bob get up, shaking off the impact. JAY I hate how fake Hollywood is. The SECURITY GUARD catches up to them now, grabbing them by their shoulders, spinning them around. SECURITY GUARD Where do you think you're going? JAY GET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!! SECURITY GUARD This is L.A., sir. We don't rape our suspects in custody. We just beat them. (into walkie-talkie) Echo Base, I've got a ten-o-seven here: two unauthorizeds on the lot. Request back-up. VOICE (from walkie-talkie) I thought that was a ten-eighty-two. SECURITY GUARD No, sir--a ten-eight-two is the code for vanishing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer. VOICE (from walkie-talkie) Oh, that Affleck. Backup on the way. JAY Hey! I make you a deal: this guy'll suck your dick off if you let us go! SECURITY GUARD Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in the movie business is gay. JAY Well, how about this deal: he sucks my dick while you watch and jerk off. The Security Guard stops, looks around, then releases them, reaching into his pants. SECURITY GUARD Alright. But make is fast. And sexy. Silent Bob looks at Jay, wide-eyed and scared. JAY Dude, it's either this or jail. And you know what they make you do in jail. Silent Bob wells up with tears, slowly dropping to his knees, reaching for Jay's pants. The Security guard bends down low to watch at crotch- level. Suddenly, Jay hammers his two fists into the Security Guard's neck, knocking him out. Silent Bob falls into a sitting position on the ground, relieved. Jay looks at him. JAY Well what are you waiting for, bitch? Start sucking. Bunnggg! (looking around) Alright--where they shooting this movie at? Silent Bob points behind Jay, at the SOUNDSTAGE they're in front of. There's a LINE OF PEOPLE waiting at the door. JAY Worth a shot. Like a shot in the mouth, you gay bitch. Eww, dude--you were really gonna suck my dick. Silent Bob shakes his head "no," wide-eyed as Jay heads off. When Jay's out of frame, Silent bob shrugs like, "Yeah--I guess I was." EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY Jay and Bob approach the line, as an A.D. calls out to the crowd. A.D. Alright--bar extras. Follow me. The A.D. starts leading the crowd in. Jay and Bob blend in and follow inside. EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY An official-looking car tears down the road. INT. CAR--SAME Willenholly drives, dialing his cell phone. PHONE VOICE Federal Bureau of Investigation WILLENHOLLY Yes, this is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. Can I speak with Agent Sid Enmarty, please? PHONE VOICE One moment, please. INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAME AGENT SID ENMARTY works at his desk. SPEAKER VOICE Agent Enmarty? A Marshal Willenholly calling. AGENT SID (perking up) Holy shit! Yeah, put him through. (calling off) YO! INCOMING BITCH BOY PHONER! Two other AGENTS rush in, chuckling. All gather around the phone as Sid presses the speaker button. AGENT SID Willenholly? BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY. WILLENHOLLY Sid? Hey, buddy. I'm calling because I could really use your help on this killer case I'm working. AGENT SID I'll bet, Will. What's it this time/ Beaver trouble? Some kind of unauthorized marsupial trafficking? The agents crack up, stifling their laughter. WILLENHOLLY (taking it in stride) No, no--nothing like that. Say--there aren't other people listening in, are there? AGENT SID No way, man. It's just me and you talking here. WILLENHOLLY Good. I'm tracking a monkey down that's on it's way to Los Angeles, and I could use some bureau backup. AGENT SID Los Angeles, hunh? Maybe we should stake out Clint Eastwood's place. Didn't he used to drive around with a monkey that'd punch people and drink beer? The Agents crack up. Willenholly's catching on. WILLENHOLLY Am, uh -- Am I on speaker phone? AGENT SID No way--Dunston! WILLENHOLLY Alright, now that's not fair. I know I didn't make it as high up as you guys, but my job's just as important. AGENT SID Calm down, Will. Don't go all . . bananas on us! The Agents crack up even more, Willenholly's pissed. WILLENHOLLY I come to you as a friend--as a fellow professional--and this is the shit I get?! AGENT SID You're right, Will. Tell you what--we'll get our best man on your case right away. You might've heard of him. He's a doctor. WILLENHOLLY (excited) Oh, a doctor? AGENT SID His name's Doctor Zaius! The Agents laugh hysterically, pounding the desk, Willenholly tears up, enraged. WILLENHOLLY SCREW YOU GUYS! Willenholly throws his cell phone across the car, the mocking laughter still emitting from it. Willenholly cries. EXT.MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAY The Red Light FLASHES outside the soundstage. INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME Jay and silent Bob stand amidst a line of EXTRAS. Silent Bob looks O.C. goes wide- eyed, and pokes Jay, pointing O.C. Jay looks and sees-- A COLLEGE BAR set that looks like the College Bar from Good Will Hunting, complete with CLARK (the stuffy college jerk). MATT DAMON stands off to the side, loosening up for the scene. BEN AFFLECK calls to the O.C. DIRECTOR. BEN Where are we taking it from, Gus? Gus Van Sant sits off to the side, counting a stack of money. He just shrugs. GUS I'm busy. BEN You're a true artist, Gus MATT Just take it from "It's a good course." BEN Oh, now you're the director. MATT Hey, shove it. Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this-- BEN I'm sorry this is taking you away from whatever-gay-killers-on-horses-who-like-to-play- golf-touchy-feely-flick you're supposed to be doing this week. MATT Oh--I'm touchy-feely? I take it you never saw Forces of Nature? BEN You're like a child. What've I been telling you? Sometimes you've gotta do the safe picture. Sometimes, you do it for art. Sometimes, it's the payback picture your friend says you owe him-- They take a beat and look at the camera. Then-- BEN And sometimes, you go back to the well. MATT And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games. BEN Now that's just mean. Jay turns excitedly to Bob. JAY This has gotta be the Bluntman Flick, 'cause that's those two fucks from that Mork movie! Now all we gotta do is figure out a way to get close to them-- The A.D. grabs Jay and Bob by the arms and drags them onto the set, placing them near Ben and Matt in the scene. A.D. Just stand there and react. Don't say anything. Bob goes a little wide-eyed. Jay smiles at him. JAY (off A.D.'s comment) That's pretty funny. A.D. (calling out) Alright, people. Lock it up. Let's go for picture. Jay and Bob eye Ben and Matt fiercely, Ben and Matt are oblivious. JAY On the count of three, we rush those fucks and beat the shit out of 'em. 'Cause if they're all fucked up, they can't make the move, right? Alright, then. One--two-- CLAPPER/LOADER O.C. Good Will Hunting Two: Hunting Season. Jay and Bob freeze and look at each other, then O.C. The Clapper/Loader holds a clapboard in front of Ben's face. It does indeed, read: Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season. CLAPPER/LOADER Scene sixteen, take five. The Clapper/Loader claps the board closed and races off. Ben looks to Gus. BEN Action, Gus? Gus looks up from counting his money. GUS Jesus, Ben--I said I'm busy. Ben shakes his head and then starts the scene with CLARK. BEN/CHUCKIE You should check it out, it's a good course. But, you know, frankly, I found the class rather elementary. CLARK You know, I don't doubt that it was. I remember that class. It was just between recess and lunch. BEN/CHUCKIE Are we gonna have a problem, again? CLARK There's no problem. I was still just hoping you might give me some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the Southern Colonies. See, Wood says-- MATT/WILL (stepping in) What'd I say? Didn't I say you'd be back here regurgitating Gordon Wood. But you forgot about Vickers-- CLARK No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting. But you're not the angry, brilliant young mind you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations. In the background, Jay and Silent Bob get bored and head out of the shot. After a beat, they get pushed back in by the A.D. CLARK Once Sean told you it wasn't your fault, you lost the edge, William. You stopped hitting the books with a vengeance, and now I've read shit you haven't even heard about yet. Face facts, my friend--love made you a soft little pussy boy, unable to stand up to an academic showdown, like you used to. You're just no longer that good--Will Hunting. (gets in his face) Now how do you like them apples? Matt/Will turns away angrily, facing Ben/Chuckie, looking downwards, steaming. BEN/CHUCKIE I don't like the sound of them apples. Will, what're we gonna do now? MATT/WILL Chuckie-- (snarling) It's Hunting season. Matt/Will spins to face Clark with two huge guns in his hands. He blows Clark away, Jay and Bob hit the deck. Matt/Will stands there, guns smoking. BEN/CHUCKIE Apple sauce, bitch. Suddenly the door to the soundstage swings open, and the Security guard Jay knocked out rushes in, followed by other SECURITY GUARDS who comb the place. SECURITY GUARD Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but have a ten-oh-seven on our hands. BEN Wait a second! I wasn't with any hookers today! The Security Guard sees Jay and Bob crouched behind Ben, He points, screaming. SECURITY GUARD THERE THEY ARE! Ben and Matt turn to Jay and Bob, Jay smiles. JAY Affleck, you're the bomb in Phantoms, yo. Jay and Bob then race out-of-frame, closely followed by the Security guards. Matt head off, arms thrown in the air. MATT If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my trailer trying to figure out how I got here from an Academy Award. EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY Jay and Bob rush out, pulling a bench in front of the door, blocking it. They race ten feet to another soundstage across from them and head inside a door. INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME Jay and Silent Bob rush in to see-- Wes Craven getting ready to direct a scene with a familiar-looking GHOSTFACE KILLER and SHANNEN DOHERTY. The Clapper/Loader's clapboard reads: Scream 4 CLAPPER/LOADER Scream four, scene thirty-seven, take one. (claps it and rushes off) WES CRAVEN Action! The Killer chases Shannen around the room, falling over stuff, until she hits him with a lamp, knocking him out. SHANNEN DOHERTY Alright, you bastard! Let's see who you really are! Shannen pulls the mask off the short performer to reveal SUZANNE. Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed. SHANNEN DOHERTY Fucking Miramax-- (getting up) CUT! Shannen heads over to Wes, holding the mask. WES CRAVEN Shannen, usually I say "cut." SHANNEN DOHERTY A monkey? Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you? WES CRAVEN The market research suggest that people love monkeys. Jay and Silent Bob rush in, grab Suzanne. JAY WE LOVE THIS MONKEY! They rush out. West shrugs to Shannen. WES CRAVEN See? Security Guards race through, chasing after the exited pair. EXT. LOT--DAY Jay and Bob race through the lot, with Bob carrying Suzanne. On a fake New York city street, another movie is shooting. The trio, bob and weave through the shoot, until-- At the end of the alley, a set GOLF CART pulls up, and four Security Guards pile out, forming a human wall, blocking their path. Jay and Bob stop dead, looking back to see the other Security Guards gaining. JAY What the fuck are we gonna do? Just then, a P.A. on a bike pulls up nearby. He ditches the bike and grabs papers from the large hanging basket in front. Jay and Bob look at each other, race over to the bike, and jump on, putting Suzanne in the basket. They start pedaling away furiously, closely followed by the Security Guard posse. Silent Bob peddles like mad, racing toward the Golf Cart. JAY PUNCH IT!!! Bob pops a wheelie and the Bike races up the front of the vehicle, taking flight, Below, the Security Guards stare in awe as-- Jay and Silent Bob atop the bike--with Suzanne in the front basket--go past a moon (on a billboard, on the side of a soundstage) a la E.T. Jay and Bob look down, then at each other. They smile. Then they look ahead and let out a scream. The bike crashes through a window in the side of a Soundstage Building. INT.DRESSING ROOM--DAY The Bike lands, and Jay and Bob, and Suzanne go tumbling onto the floor covered in glass. They look up to see. JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS dressed as Jay and Silent Bob, looking down as them. JAMES Holy shit--that looked like it hurt. JASON Are you guys alright? (off Suzanne) Hey! They've got a monkey! Jay and Bob look at their twins, then at each other. JAY Yo, I think that shit just kicked in. JAMES Let's get you guys on your feet. James and Jason help Jay and Silent Bob to their feet. All stare at one another, perplexed,
Then-- JAY (to James) See man? Its never, "Hey--you were in Loser, or, "Dude--you rocked in Boys and Girls." It always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm haunted by it.! JAMES Well, you put your dick in a pie, dude-- JASON Enough! (to Jay) Jason Biggs. JAY Yo-you really get to third base with the Russsian chick like you did in the movies? JASON You mean Shannon? Sadly, no. JAY She's fucking hot, man. If I was you, I'd been like-- Jay mimes a series of sexual maneuvers. Jason and James look on, bewildered. JAY (off James's-look) What, man? You never did one of these? Jay starts miming again, and suddenly stops, staring at James, blown away. JAY Holy shit? You're the Dawson! JAMES It's James, actually. James Van Der Beek. JAY Yo, what's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? If I was you, I would've drowned his ass in your Creek and shit! JAMES I know, Because what--is Josh better looking than me? Fuck, no. I mean, who on earth is better looking that me? I ask you. JAY Joey, man! She's too fine! Yo--did you ever get to third base with her? JAMES Well, there was this one time-- (catching himself) Wait a second--who are you guys?! JASON They're our stunt doubles, dumbass. (to Jay) Right? JAY Stunt doubles for what? JAMES The movie we start shooting in a few minutes--Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back. JASON (to Bob) You're doubling me. I'm playing Bluntman, AKA Silent Bill. JAMES Bob JASON Right. And he's playing Chronic. AKA Ray. JAMES Jay! Shit, did you even read the script? JASON There's a script? Jay and Bob stare at them, blankly. Then Jay puts up his finger, indicating they should wait a minute. He gets into a huddle with Silent Bob and Suzanne. JAY These are the guys who are playing us, yo. We take them out, and bickety-bam! No movie. Silent Bob nods at Jay, then Suzanne. Suzanne heads off, leaving Jay and Bob to huddle. JASON (off Jay and Bob, to James) What's with the weird, gay huddle going on over there? JAMES What's gay about it? It's two guys talking in a corner. Man--why are you such a homophobe. JASON I'm not a homophobe. JAMES You are. You're always calling things gay. "Ooo--look at the gay huddle, dude!" Suzanne approaches them. JASON Hey--look at the monkey. JAMES Next you're going to tell me the monkey's gay. JASON He's so cute-- (to Suzanne) C'mere. Monkey. C'mere-- Suzanne pulls Jason and James out of the frame. While Jay and Silent Bob continue to huddle, the sounds of a beating are heard, O.C. JAY Alright, here's what we do: start swinging, and don't stop until those young Hollywood fucks are out of commission. Ready? Break! Jay and Bob spin to face Jason and James--only to go wide-eyed. Suzanne stands atop the fallen actors, who are bloodied and beaten and knocked out cold. She holds her hands skyward, clasped like a champion. JAY That's one funky monkey. Suddenly there's a banging at the door of the dressing room. VOICE (O.C.) Mister Biggs? Mister Van..Der--Beek? This is Security. We've got a pair of intruders at large, and they crashed through a window we thought might be yours. JAY (to door; deepening voice) Uh--yeah. They're in here. SECURITY GUARD Do they have you hostage? Should we call your publicists? JAY NO! I mean, we kicked those guys' asses bad. They're--knocked out. EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAME The Security Guards stand outside a door marked James. SECURITY GUARD Great work, sirs! If you let us in, we'll take over-- JAY (O.C.) (through door) NO! Me and Jason Biggs are naked in here! Together! The Security guard look at one another. SECURITY GUARD Uh--okay. We'll just be --outside the door, sirs. The Security Guards stifle a laugh, as one makes a blow job face to the rest. INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY Bob opens an AIR VENT in the wall. He puts Suzanne into it and hands her the tranquilizer gun, miming to her. She nods, and starts crawling through the ductwork, Bob closes the vent again, and starts rifling through a nearby closet. JAY What the fuck are we gonna do?! How are we gonna get out of here without them seeing us? Silent Bob pulls a pair of hangered COSTUMES from the closet, smiling. EXT. LOT--DAY The Security Guards push a cuffed Jason and James into a waiting Cop Car. The pair are still dressed like Jay and Silent Bob. JAMES YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS! JASON HEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'M THE PIE-FUCKER. SECURITY GUARD (to Cops) He'll be the pie--in prison. INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAY Jay and Bob creep toward a door (we don't see the outfits). JAY This was a good idea, Lunchbox. In these outfits we're totally incognito. Suddenly, and A.D. appears, grabbing them by the shoulders. A.D. Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? Great--you've changed costumes already. Let's get you to set. (pulling them off) The director doesn't like to be kept waiting. INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SET It looks like the Batcave, but it's not. Off to the side, near the monitor and chair setup, a black DIRECTOR eyeballs the hustling, white crew. DIRECTOR Look at all these crackers, Seventy million dollars and I can't even get a black grip? A white P.A. brings a cup of latte to the Director. P.A. Here's your coffee, sir. DIRECTOR (eyes the coffee) You spit in this? Because I know all you white folks are pissed off that the studio'd entrust a multi-million dollar to a brother. P.A. I didn't spit in it, sir. DIRECTOR Then taste it! Go on! The P.A. takes the cup and sips from it. He tries to hand it back to the Director. P.A. It's all good, sir. DIRECTOR No it ain't all good. Oh, you think I want it now, after your lips touched the cup? Get the fuck off my set! P.A. You the man, sir. DIRECTOR No you the Man! And that's the problem! The Director glares at the scared P.A., as he cautiously skulks off. BANKY EDWARDS approaches. BANKY Uh, Chaka? Yeah, hi--I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and Chronic. We met a few weeks back. I'm the executive producer. DIRECTOR/CHAKA Oh--you're the executive producer, hunh? Well go "produce" me a latte no white folks spit in--okay Fucky? BANKY Banky. I just wanted you to know that I respect your work as an artist. I'm something of an artist myself. I was the inker on the comic book. CHAKA An inker? What, like you trace? Banky's face drops as the A.D. joins them. A.D. Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. CHAKA I don't see 'em. Where are they? (into bullhorn) WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE STARS OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT?! On the Bluntcave set, two massive doors open in the fake rock. Smoke pours in, and Jay and Silent Bob--now dressed as BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--step from the darkness. Jay and Bob survey the set, amazed. JAY This must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks. CHAKA Look at this shit. (off their outfits) A gay hood ornament, and the color Purple. JAY Who the fuck are you? CHAKA Who the fuck am I? I'm the fucking director, is how I am. Chaka Luther King. The creator of all of this. JAY Wait a sec--I thought Holden and Banky created this shit. CHAKA And I'm stealing it. I'm taking it back for all the shit you people have stolen from us! Did you know, I came up with the idea for Sesame Street before PBS? I was going to call it N.W.P.--Niggaz with Puppets. (beat) Alright--enough small talk. Let's shoot it. Chaka heads back toward his monitor. Jay and Bob are confused. JAY Wait, wait, wait!! Aren't you gonna direct us? CHAKA I'll be directing you to the food stamps line after I fire your ass, if you talk back like that to me again! JAY But we don't know what we're supposed to do here. We didn't even read the script. CHAKA So? Neither did I. Shit, neither did the studio. (pointing O.C.) Look man, it's not hard. In this scene, the bad guy breaks into the Bluntcave. You make up some shit, fight him for a while, I film it, I yell "cut," and then head back to my trailer, where I got more white women waiting for me there than the first lifeboat off the Titanic! (confidentially) They all want a part of the movie, and I got just the part for 'em. Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed, as Chaka heads off. CHAKA LET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW! A.D. (O.C.) QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE! Chaka climbs behind his monitor. The P.A. is waiting for him with another cup of coffee. P.A. I got you another cup of coffee, sir. Spit free. Chaka smacks the coffee out of his hand and sits down. The Clapper/Loader jumps in front of the startled Jay and Bob, getting ready. After a beat, he turns to Silent Bob. CLAPPER/LOADER I just wanna say that I loved when fucked that pie. (calling off) BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK, SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE ONE! The clapper/Loader shuts the clapboard and races off. From behind the monitor, Chaka calls out-- CHAKA ACTION! Jay and Bob (as Bluntman and Chronic) look at each other for a beat. Then-- JAY/CHRONIC Uh--Snootchie Bootchies. Suddenly, the wall to their left explodes. Jay and Bob hit the deck. Through the smoking rubble steps COCK-KNOCKER--the arch --nemesis of Bluntman and Chronic. He's a normal-looking man with huge, overgrown FISTS. JAY/CHRONIC What the fuck? COCK-KNOCKER You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave, did you, Hemp Knight? But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker! JAY/CHRONIC Why do they call you " Cock-Knocker"? Cock-Knocker slams one of his huge fists into Jay's balls. Jay drops to his knees, wailing. Cock-Knocker then pulls a vibrator-looking device from his cape. He presses a button on it and a laser beam rises out of the vibrator, like a light saber. COCK-KNOCKER Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman? Silent Bob quickly looks right, then left. His eyes fall on-- A wall of armaments, on which hands a SILVER BONG, under the placard: BONG SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE. It's out of his reach. Silent Bob closes his eyes, concentrating. He reached his hand out to the Bong Saber, attempting the Jedi Mind Trick. Suddenly, the Bong snaps from the armory into Bob's grip. The Bong Saber blasts to life and Bob strikes a defensive pose. Bob rushes the astonished Cock-Knocker and the pair start light saber dueling. CHAKA (from behind monitor) Damn! Now that was one special effect! This picture's gonna make House Party look like House Party Two! A.D. Or House Party Three? CHAKA Shut the fuck up! Cock-Knocker battles Bob back. He vogues some impressive blade handling, prompting Bob to make a run for it--up the ladder of the Bong Reactor and over Cock-Knocker's head. He lands behind Cock-Knocker, striking another pose. Cock-Knocker then high- kicks Bob in the face, knocking him on his ass across the floor. Cock-Knocker rushers over to deliver a saber kill-shot, when we hear-- JAY (O.C.) YO-BITCH-FISTS! Cock-Knocker turns to see-- Jay, standing on the rotating monitor station, holding a double-sided saber. He clicks it and TWO beams emit ( a la the Darth Maul light saber in Episode One). JAY Call me Darth Balls. Bunngg. Jay leaps at Cock-Knocker, wielding the double-beamed Bong Saber. CHAKA (from behind the monitor) I think George Lucas is going to sue somebody-- EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY Willenholly's car screeches up, and Willenholly jumps with a shotgun. He slides across the hood of the car and lands besie the flashing red light. WILLENHOLLY (looking around) So, this is Hollywood? (suddenly full of purpose) Lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. Willenholly cocks his shotgun and heads for the door. INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY The door bursts open, and Willenholly charges in, firing two shots, O.C. WILLENHOLLY FREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!! Willenholly goes wide-eyed. It's not Bluntcave. We're on a different soundstage, where a kid's movie's being shot: Mooby's Grand Adventure. There's a Barney-sized MOOBY surrounded by little KIDS. The Kids stare back at Willenholly terrified. The Mooby suit has smoking bullet holes in it. Mooby collapses. WILLENHOLLY Oh my God-- (to kids) Um--sorry. That was supposed to be a warning shot. Uh--it looks like I'm on the wrong, uh--wrong set. The Kids look at the fallen Mooby. On looks angrily at the O.C. Willenholly. KID You killed Mooby-- (to Kids) LET'S GET HIM!!! The Kids charge Willenholly, who screams like a woman as he's attacked. INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME Jay attacks Cock-Knocker with his Bong Saber, full throttle. COCK-KNOCKER (breaking character) You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek! Jay whacks away happily at the actor playing Cock-Knocker, hacking him up onto the ladder of the Bluntcave's nuclear reactor. Cock-Knocker climbs the ladder slightly to evade the attack, dueling Jay back with the saber in his other hand. COCK-KNOCKER (to O.C. Chaka) CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A "CUT"! On cue, Jay delivers a kill-shot to one of Cock-Knocker's huge fists, cutting it off ( a la Empire). Silent Bob joins Jay, as Jay turns off this double-Bong Saber, Jay grins at Cock-Knocker. JAY Now whose balls have been busted,bitch? Suddenly, a gun shot rings out. All turn to see a roughed-up Willenholly, training his gun first on Jay, then Bob. WILLENHOLLY The C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob! (revealing badge: calling out) Everyone stay calm. I'm a Federal Wildlife Marshal. These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization wanted for the abduction of a monkey. VOICE (O.C.) They didn't really steal that monkey. All turn to see Justice approaching from the shadows. Willenholly trains his gun on her. Jay's mouth drops. JUSTICE It was just a diversion so we could steal these. Justice pulls the bag of diamonds from her jacket, revealing them. JUSTICE And they're not the leaders of C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T. is not real. WILLENHOLLY No--the clit's real. The female orgasm is a myth. JUSTICE (to Jay) Are you guys alright? JAY I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. JUSTICE (smiling) You remembered. (back to business) It was a frame-up, Jay. Sissy. Missy, Chrissy, and I are international jewel thieves. We were setting you up as a patsy, but I couldn't go through with it, because I ..because I love you. JAY Yeah? So that means you'll fuck me, right? VOICE (O.C.) If she does, it'll be considered necrophilia. All turn to see Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy slinking from the shadows, guns drawn. SISSY Because she's gonna be one dead bitch. (to Justice) Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time? MISSY You should've just let these guys go down, Jussy. JAY Hey, I wanted to go down, but I was waiting until I got to know her a little better. See, there was this little angel on my shoulder, and he said-- CHRISSY Shut the fuck up before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties. JAY (looking down) Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties! (to Bob) Man--why the fuck didn't you tell me? SISSY Let's have those diamonds, Jussy. JUSTICE I can't do that, Sissy SISSY (points her gun at Jay) Then lover --boy gets one in the brain. CHAKA YO! All turn to look at CHAKA CHAKA Would any of you lovely ladies like a private audition to be in my movie? Justice high-kicks the gun out of Sissy's hand. It lands on the ground discharging. Then everyone starts shooting and running for cover. Jay and Silent Bob hurl themselves over the Bluntmobile. Missy and Chrissy flip over a lavish, exquisitely-packed craft service table labeled. CAST. They pop back up and start firing at Willenholly. Willenholly leaps behind a barren craft service table that holds a bag of Smarties and a dented can of RC Cola. He pops up and returns fire. When both are out of bullets, they drop back down behind the table and reload. From behind his table, Willenholly yells-- WILLENHOLLY WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'M JUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL!!! CHRISSY TWO REASONS: ONE--WE'RE WALKING, TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES! MISSY AND TWO: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN. WILLENHOLLY ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE! The Girls and Willenholly both pop back up and open fire again.
Chaka ducks behind the monitor. CHAKA A shitload of white people with guns? Time to get my black ass out of here! He races off, passing Justice and Sissy, who circle each other defensively, striking kung fu poses. SISSY You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. JAY (O.C.) HEY! JUSTICE (ignoring him) What's it gonna be, Sissy? Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? SISSY Are you kidding me? I taught you all all your moves myself. There's not a style you can bust that I can't defend against. JUSTICE You're no match for my "Shaolin Monk." SISSY Yeah, but I can bury you with my "Crouching Tiger." JUSTICE A little "Venus's--flytrap"? SISSY I'll counter with "Dragon Crane." JUSTICE How about a little "Bitch, My Man Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy"? SISSY (beat; smiles) Bring it on. Justice rushes Sissy and instead of sleek kung fu, they launch into a down-and-dirty, girl's cat-fight; hair pulling and screaming. Behind the Bluntmobile, Jay and Bob watch all the action. JAY Yo--I hope one of 'em rips the other one's shirt off and we see some tit. Both Bob and Jay smile at each other, nodding. Banky joins them, crawling in on his belly, covering his head. BANKY Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? I just wanted to say hi. I'm-- JAY Banky fucking Edwards! Just the motherfucker we came to see! BANKY (shocked) Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here?! Sissy has Justice on her belly, banging her face into the floor, screeching. Jay, Bob, and Banky continue. BANKY Stop the movie?! Are you crazy?! JAY All these assholes are calling us names on the Internet,'cause of this stupid movie! BANKY I feel for you boys--I really do. Those Net snipers can be really cruel. But Miramax paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic, so it occurs to me that people bad- mouthing you on some web-site is none of my FUCKING CONCERN! SILENT BOB Oh--but I think it is. Banky stares at Silent Bob, agog, Jay rolls his eyes. JAY Here we go again-- SILENT BOB Shut the fuck up. (to Banky) We had a deal with you on the comics for likeness rights. And as we're not only the artistic basis but also the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic, when we said property was optioned by Miramax Films you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, you're in breach of the original contract--ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position. Banky stares at Bob, even more agog, joined by Jay. After a beat, Jay adds-- JAY Yeah. Justice now has the advantage over Sissy, holding her head and kicking her in the face, repeatedly, screaming. BANKY So, what do you guys want, to go away and take your lady friends with you? JAY Shitcan this movie so we don't get called names on the Internet anymore. BANKY Even if there's no movie, people are still free to talk shit about you on the Internet. That's what the Internet's for: slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't going to stop that! In the background, we see Justice high-kick Sissy into the air. JAY Well this isn't fair! We went to Hollywood, I fell in love, we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and got punched in the motherfucking nuts! We ain't leaving empty-handed! On cue, Sissy drops from above, landing in Jay's lap. JAY What's up baby? You look good! BANKY Isn't that your girlfriend's enemy? JAY Oh yeah. (pushing Sissy off him) Get the fuck offa me, pig! Sissy races at Justice, leaping atop her, pulling her hair. Jay, Bob, and Banky continue. BANKY You guys are gonna ruin my movie career. JAY Well, we want something for our mental anguish. BANKY Tell you what: we'll settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I made. JAY Half?!? BANKY Half's not good enough? Fine --I'll give you two-thirds of what I made! JAY Fuck-you--you already said half? You can't take it back! Silent Bob rolls his eyes, Banky shakes Jay's hand. BANKY Done Justice throws Sissy off, onto the floor. Both get up, facing each other. SISSY Your shit is so tired, Justice! JUSTICE Call me Boo-Boo Kitty Fuck--.BITCH! Justice high-kicks Sissy and she goes flying across the stage. Sissy sails toward the craft service table, landing atop Missy and Chrissy, knocking them out. Willenholly stands to see why the girls stopped shooting. WILLENHOLLY Hello? Truce? (beat) I think I killed both of them. Suddenly, he lets out a shriek and falls forward, revealing a tranquilizer dart in his ass, and SUZANNE standing behind him, holding the gun up in the air. Justice surveys her handiwork for a beat, then calls off toward the Bluntmobile. JUSTICE C'mon guys. It's over. Jay, Bob, and Blanky pop up from behind the car and join her. JAY Yo, I was just about to jump in there and get your back. Then, the SOUND of SIRENS rings out in the distance. JAY Holy shit, the cops! We gotta get out of here! JUSTICE No. I'm tired of running. Justice lifts Willenholly into a sitting position and taps his face. JUSTICE You awake, Marshal? Marshal? WILLENHOLLY (tries to move but can't) Oh my God, I'm paralyzed. The monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh the irony! JUSTICE (off Suzanne's gun) You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer. WILLENHOLLY Jesus! Tranqued by a little monkey! My friends in the Bureau are never gonna let me live this down! JUSTICE You have friends in the F.B.I.? WILLENHOLLY (crying) They all made it in, but I failed the exam. Why the hell else do you think I became a Federal Wildlife Marshal? 'Cause I'm a joke! Justice looks toward the direction of the sirens, thinking. Then-- JUSTICE Maybe not. I can make you a deal that'll get you into the F.B.I., regardless of test scores. WILLENHOLLY What kind of deal? JUSTICE You drop the charges against Jay and Silent Bob and say you never found the ape. Make sure the world knows they're not in control of any C.L.I.T. JAY Now wait a second-- JUSTICE I'll explain later, Jay (to Willenholly) In exchange, I'll give you the diamonds I stole, and turn in Sissy, Missy, Chrissy, and myself. But I want a reduced sentence. WILLENHOLLY You'd be willing to do that? JUSTICE (off Jay) For him? I'd be willing to do anything. Justice stands and takes Jay by the hands. JUSTICE I'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. JAY That's alright. I'm a junkie with a monkey. JUSTICE If I go to prison, will you wait for me? JAY I don't know. Will we fuck when you get out? Justice smiles and kisses Jay Passionately. The kiss should say it all, but-- JAY Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out? JUSTICE Snoogans. Justice and Jay kiss again. Suzanne reached up to Silent Bob, who picks her up. She grabs his face and kisses him. Willenholly looks to Banky. WILLENHOLLY Wow. There's a lot of love in the room. BANKY Regardless of what you may have heard. I do not kiss guys. EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATER Justice and Jay are still kissing, until Willenholly pulls her away and loads her into the waiting Cop Car. WILLENHOLLY Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go. (to Jay: friendly) Hey--stop stealing monkeys. JAY Fuck you. WILLENHOLLY Fair enough. Willenholly closes the door behind Justice and gets in the car. JUSTICE (to Jay) Wait for me. JAY What--here? Jay looks at Justice, confused, as the Cruiser pulls away, leaving Jay, Bob, Suzanne, and Banky. They start walking down the lot. BANKY Well, boys--you're rich in love-- (indicating Jay) Well, you're in love. And to top that off, you've got your own monkey. What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? JAY All those fucks to stop talking shit about us on the Internet, for starters. BANKY What do I keep telling you? There's not much you can do to stop that. Well, short of showing up at all their houses and beating the shit out of them, I guess. Jay and Bob suddenly freeze. They look at each other and smile. JAY (to Bob) You know--with all that money we're gonna make we can buy a lotta plane tickets.
START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGE EXT. SKY--DAY A passenger JET flies through the sky. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY Jay and Bob stand across the street from a house. They check the address on the big ream of paper they're carrying, nod at each other, and cross the street. INT. HOUSE--DAY The doorbell rings. A MOTHER answers it to see Jay and Silent Bob standing in the doorway. MOTHER Can I help you? JAY Yes. Ma'am, Does-- (reading of paper) William Dusky live here? MOTHER Yes. He's my son. JAY May we talk to him, please. MOTHER One moment. She walks away. After a beat, a fifteen- year-old KID comes to the door. KID Yeah? JAY Yo--do you post as-- (reading off paper) Magnolia-Fan on Movie Poop Shoot.com? KID Yeah. JAY And did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses? KID Yeah, a while ago. So? Jay and Bob nod at each other, then grab the KID,pull him outside, and start beating the shit out of him on his front lawn. EXT. SKY--DAY The passenger jet flies again, this time in the opposite direction. EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAY Jay and Bob knocking at another door. Another MOTHER answers. They speak, she heads inside, and another KID comes to the door. JAY On Movie Poop Shoot.com. did you say Jay and Silent Bob-- (reading off paper) "--are fucking clown shoes. If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid." KID (chuckling) Yeah. JAY Really-- Again, Jay and Bob pull the Kid outside and beat the shit out of him. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a CLERK. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAY Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a WOMAN. EXT. RECTORY--DAY Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a PRIEST. INT. OFFICE--DAY Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a BUSINESSMAN. EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHT The marquee reads: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK ARE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC! WORLD PREMIERE! The front doors open and the CROWD lets out. First we see DANTE and RANDAL. RANDAL Now that was worse then Clash of the Titans. DANTE I still can't believe Judy Dench played me. RANDAL Hey--remind me to renew that restraining order. DANTE Why? RANDAL Because I'm gonna blast the flick on the Internet tonight. STEVE-DAVE and WALT exit. STEVE-DAVE Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie? WALT Tell'em Steve-Dave! STEVE-DAVE Would you stop saying that? ALYSSA and TRISH come out. TRISH Well, that was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up. ALYSSA Yeah, sis--but it was better than Mallrats. At least Holden had the good sense to keep his name off of it. TRISH Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? You know--the one he drew about you and him and your relationship? ALYSSA You mean Chasing Amy? That would never work as a movie. BANKY and HOOPER exit. BANKY I'm so fucking embarrassed-- HOOPER Honey, you should be. They took your characters and reduced them to one ninety- minute-long-gay joke. It was like watching Batman and Robin again. BANKY Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy who pretends to be Shaft as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. HOOPER I don't hear you complaining nightly. In fact, the only thing I do hear you say is "Yes, Hooper! Cradle the balls and work the shaft!" BANKY (looking around) Hey! Hey! What'd we say? Not in public! A guy behind them calls out to Banks. GUY Nice movie, you fucking Tracer! BANKY (recognizing him) You--! GUY That's right, you sonovabitch! I'm back for round two! Banky grabs the guy by the throat and starts choking him, while Hooper tries to break them up. WILLENHOLLY exits with Justice in hand-and leg cuffs and a prison uniform. They're flanked by two ARMED PRISON GUARDS. WILLENHOLLY You know, I don't get out to the movies much. But I'd have to say Bluntman and Chronic was Blunt-tastic! JUSTICE Are these leg cuffs really necessary? WILLENHOLLY Don't make me shoot you, Justice. And finally, Jay and Silent Bob come out. JAY YO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET, FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WORLD: MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!! WHIP PAN to Morris day and The Time on stage, performing "The Bird." During the song, Morris points to-- Jay and Bob, who are dancing with Suzanne and Justice (who's still in cuffs, flanked by the Guards). Jay looks to Bob, they nod at each other and-- Jay and Silent Bob, join Morris Day and the TIME onstage, and dance us out to the coda, which reads-- CODA Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back went on to make a mere 2.3 million at the box office. It was the biggest commercial failure in the history of Miramax films. The film was roundly drubbed as a bad idea by the denizens of the Internet chat boards, and over the course of the next year, while they waited for the Quick Stop restraining order to expire, Jay and Silent Bob tracked them all down and beat the shit out of them.
CREDITS. THEN-- INT. NOWHERE A familiar WOMAN closes a book that's marked: THE VIEW ASKEWNIVERSE. She puts the book down, smiles at us and skips off.