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Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay: This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay. This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took place. There are many minor differences from what appears here and what ended up on the screen.This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film. I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII. Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "" before it. Anything Penciled in has a "", I also put cut information before penciled in. What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in. The reason I keyed in this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going around internet. It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought... What the hell! After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into sketches for the 4th season of Python. It Is sill quite different and well worth a read. is anybody interested in it????? Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate. Enough of this... -Grue (09-Aug-92) P.S. TO AHH: DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?! AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL" Reel 1 (1A) Page 1 00.01 is the first action frame which is 391.00 before the first Clear Cut, which is Scene 4 Sc Spot No. Complete DIALOGUE No. Start End Ftge. ------------------------- -------------------------- 1 FADE IN: Starts 00.01 TITLES ON BLACK B.G. PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD in association with MICHAEL WHITE presents FADE OUT: FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS MONTY PYTHON and THE HOLY GRAIL then: M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen FADE OUT: FADE IN: Written and preformed by: GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE ERIC IDLE TERRY GILLIAM TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN then: R0tern nik Akten Di FADE OUT: FADE IN: with CONNIE BOOTH CAROL CLEVELAND NEIL INNES BEE DUFFELL JOHN YOUNG RITA DAVES then: Wik TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Also appearing AVRIL STEWART SALLY KINGHORN then: Als0 wik FADE OUT: FADE IN: Also also appearing MARK ZYCOON ELSPETH CAMERON MITSUKO FORSTATER SALLY JOHNSON SANDY ROSE ROMILLY SQUIE JONI FLNN ALISON WALKER LORAINE WARD ANNA LANSKI SALLY COOMBE VIVIENNE MACDONALD YVONNE DICK DAPHNE DARLING FIONA GORDON GLORIA GRAHAM JUDY LAMS TRACY SNEDDON SYLVIA TAYLOR JOYCE POLLNER MARY ALLEN then: Als0 als0 wik TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT Camera Grip RAY HALL Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD TECHNICOLOR Rosturm Cameraman KENT HOUSTON then: Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer? TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER, ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW, BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD then: See the l0veli lakes TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Continuity PENNY EYLES Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN Property Master TOM RAEBURN Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT, MIKE KENNEDY Catering RON HELLARD LTD Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR then: The W0nderful teleph0ne system TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM Construction Manager BILL HARMAN Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY Rigger ED SULLIVAN then: And mani interesting furry animals TITLE IN: TITLE OUT: With special extra thanks to Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara, Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic, Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh. Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle, Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle, Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur. By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square, London W1 England. And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England. Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt. All Rights Reserved. then: The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling University, and the people of Doune for their help in the making of this film. The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. Signed RICHARD M. NIXON Including the majestic m00se TITLE IN: TITLE OUT: Songs NEIL INNIS Additional music DEWOLFE then: A M00se once bit my sister ... TITLE IN: TITLE OUT: Costume Designer HAZEL PETHING then: No realli! She was Karving her initals on the m00se with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst Nordfink". TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked. then: Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ... TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked. FADE OUT: FADE IN: Production Manager JULLIAN DOYLE Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON Special Effects JOHN HORTON Choreography Fight Director & Period Consultant JOHN WALKER Make-up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE Photography JULLIAN DOYLE Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN M00se Trained by TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA DISSOLVE TO: Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD Special M00se Effects OLAF PROT M00se Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL DISSOLVE TO: Designer ROY SMITH M00se Choreographed by HORST PROT III Miss Taylor's M00ses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME M00se trained to mix concrete and sign com- plicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG DISSOLVE TO: Editor JOHN HACKNEY M00ses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER Large m00se on the left half side of the screen in the third scene from the end,given a thorough grounding in Latin, French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN Suggestive poses for the M00se suggested by VIC ROTTER Antler-care by LIV THATCHER TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, with it to be known that they have just been sacked. The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. FADE OUT: TITLE ON YELLOW B.G Executive Producer JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Producer MARK FORSTARTER Assisted by EARL J. LLAMA MIKE Q. LLAMA III SY LLAMA MERLE Z. LLAMA IX TITLE OUT: TITLE IN: Directed by 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA) REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY and TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE OUT: 1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787". after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts together. ARTHUR raises his hand. ARTHUR Whoa there! SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder: castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down. SOLDIER Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! Pause. SOLDIER Get away! ARTHUR I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR Yes! SOLDIER You're using coconuts! ARTHUR ...What? SOLDIER You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together. ARTHUR (Scornfully) So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea. SOLDIER Where did you get the coconuts? ARTHUR Through ... We found them. SOLDIER Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR What do you mean? SOLDIER Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. SOLDIER Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR Why not? SOLDIER I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound. ARTHUR It could grip it by the husk ... SOLDIER It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound coconut. ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence. SOLDIER Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right? ARTHUR (irritated) Please! SOLDIER Am I right? ARTHUR I'm not interested. SECOND SOLDIER (who has loomed up on the battlements) It could be carried by an African swallow! FIRST SOLDIER Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. that's my point. SECOND SOLDIER Oh yes, I agree there ... ARTHUR (losing patience) Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?! FIRST SOLDIER But then of course African swallows are non-migratory. SECOND SOLDIER Oh yes. ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist. FIRST SOLDIER So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway. SECOND SOLDIER Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together? FIRST SOLDIER No, they'd have to have it on a line. Stillness. Silence again. 2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action. BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and looks sinister. CART DRIVER Bring out your dead! We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with huge mallets. CART DRIVER Bring out your dead! There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch sight of a MAN falling into a well. CART DRIVER Bring out your dead! LARGE MAN Here's one! CART DRIVER Ninepence. BODY I'm not dead! CART DRIVER What? LARGE MAN Nothing... There's your ninepence. BODY I'm not dead! CART DRIVER 'Ere. He says he's not dead. LARGE MAN Yes he is. BODY I'm not! CART DRIVER He isn't. LARGE MAN He will be soon. He's very ill. BODY I'm getting better! LARGE MAN You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes. CART DRIVER I can't take him like this. It's against regulations. BODY I don't want to go on the cart. LARGE MAN Don't be such a baby. CART DRIVER I can't take him. BODY I feel fine. LARGE MAN Do me a favour. CART DRIVER I can't. LARGE MAN Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't be long. CART DRIVER I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine today. LARGE MAN When's your next round? CART DRIVER Thursday. BODY I think I'll go for a walk. LARGE MAN You're not fooling anyone you know. (to CART DRIVER) Isn't there anything you could do? BODY (singing unrecognisably) I feel happy... I feel happy. The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.) LARGE MAN (handing over the money at last) Thanks very much. CART DRIVER That's all right. See you on Thursday. They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER. LARGE MAN Who's that then? CART DRIVER (Grudgingly) I dunno, Must be a king. LARGE MAN Why? CART DRIVER He hasn't got shit all over him. 3 EXTERIOR - DAY ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT ARTHUR Old woman! DENNIS Man! ARTHUR Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle over there? DENNIS I'm thirty-seven. ARTHUR What? DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old. ARTHUR: Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!' DENNIS Well you could say: "Dennis" ARTHUR I didn't know you were called Dennis. DENNIS You didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked ... DENNIS What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior ... ARTHUR Well ... I AM king. DENNIS Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ... An OLD WOMAN appears. OLD WOMAN Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh! how d'you do? ARTHUR How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ... can you tell me who lives in that castle? OLD WOMAN King of the WHO? ARTHUR The Britons. OLD WOMAN Who are the Britons? ARTHUR All of us are ... we are all Britons. DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN. ... and I am your king .... OLD WOMAN Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective ... DENNIS You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ... OLD WOMAN There you are, bringing class into it again ... DENNIS That's what it's all about ... If only - ARTHUR Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in that castle? OLD WOMAN No one live there. ARTHUR Well, who is your lord? OLD WOMAN We don't have a lord. ARTHUR What? DENNIS I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. ARTHUR Yes. DENNIS ... But all the decision of that officer ... ARTHUR Yes, I see. DENNIS ... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs. ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS ... but a two-thirds majority ... ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to shut up. OLD WOMAN Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR I am your king! OLD WOMAN Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR You don't vote for kings. OLD WOMAN Well, how did you become king, then? ARTHUR The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ... That is why I am your king! OLD WOMAN Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one. DENNIS Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR Shut up! DENNIS I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away! ARTHUR (Grabbing him by the collar) Shut up, will you. Shut up! DENNIS Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR Shut up! PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching. DENNIS (calling) Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed! ARTHUR (aware that people are now coming out and watching) Bloody peasant! (pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off) DENNIS Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away. ARTHUR Come on, patsy. They ride off. DENNIS (in the background as we PULL OUT) did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've been on about ... 4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride. MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up. Sound FX of fight. CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.) CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed as they watch the fight. CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed. CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword. ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive. CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close on the GREEN KNIGHT. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence. CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT sheathes his sword. ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward. CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him. ARTHUR You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. BLACK KNIGHT Who dares to challenge the Black Knight? ARTHUR I do not challenge you. The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing. ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is only slightly thrown. ... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all the world to join me in my court at Camelot ... The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent ARTHUR You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me? Silence. ARTHUR A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all my knights ... BLACK KNIGHT Never. ARTHUR You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy. As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way. BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass. ARTHUR What? BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass. ARTHUR I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT Then you shall die. ARTHUR I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside. BLACK KNIGHT I move for no man. ARTHUR So be it! ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly. ARTHUR Now stand aside worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT (Glancing at his shoulder) 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR A scratch? Your arm's off. BLACK KNIGHT No, it isn't. ARTHUR (Pointing to the arm on ground) Well, what's that then? BLACK KNIGHT I've had worse. ARTHUR You're a liar. BLACK KNIGHT Come on you pansy! Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the ground. ARTHUR Victory is mine. (sinking to his knees) I thank thee O Lord that in thy ... BLACK KNIGHT Come on then. ARTHUR What? He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking. ARTHUR You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT Had enough? ARTHUR You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left. BLACK KNIGHT Course I have. ARTHUR Look! BLACK KNIGHT What! Just a flesh wound. (kicks ARTHUR) ARTHUR Stop that. BLACK KNIGHT (kicking him) Had enough ... ? ARTHUR I'll have your leg. He is kicked. Right! The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty. BLACK KNIGHT I'll do you for that. ARTHUR You'll what ... ? BLACK KNIGHT Come Here. ARTHUR What are you going to do. bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT I'm invincible! ARTHUR You're a looney. BLACK KNIGHT The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright. BLACK KNIGHT All right, we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR Come, Patsy. ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge. BLACK KNIGHT Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! 5 EXTERIOR - DAY A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE. FIRST VILLAGER We have found a witch. May we burn her? ALL A Witch! Burn her! BEDEVERE How do you know she is a witch? ALL She looks like one. Yes, she does. BEDEVERE Bring her forward. They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch. WITCH I am not a witch. I am not a witch. BEDEVERE But you are dressed as one. WITCH They dressed me up like this. ALL We didn't, we didn't! WITCH This is not my nose, It is a false one. BEDEVERE takes her nose off. BEDEVERE Well? FIRST VILLAGER ... Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE The nose? FIRST VILLAGER And the hat. But she is a witch. ALL A witch, a witch, burn her! BEDEVERE Did you dress her up like this? FIRST VILLAGER ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart. BEDEVERE Why do you think she is a witch? SECOND VILLAGER She turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE A newt? SECOND VILLAGER (After looking at himself for some time) I got better. ALL Burn her anyway. BEDEVERE Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest ALL There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere? BEDEVERE Tell me ... what do you do with witches? ALL Burn them. BEDEVERE And what do you burn, apart from witches? FOURTH VILLAGER ... Wood? BEDEVERE So why do witches burn? SECOND VILLAGER (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...? BEDEVERE Good. PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion. ALL I see. Yes, of course. BEDEVERE So how can we tell if she is made of wood? FIRST VILLAGER Make a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone? ALL Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ... BEDEVERE Does wood sink in water? ALL No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond. BEDEVERE Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water? ALL Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ... ARTHUR A duck. They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed. BEDEVERE Exactly. So... logically ... FIRST VILLAGER (beginning to pick up the thread) If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE And therefore? ALL A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck. FOURTH VILLAGER Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere. BEDEVERE We shall use my largest scales. He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest. BEDEVERE Remove the supports. Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck swing slightly but balance perfectly. ALL A witch! A witch! WITCH It's a fair cop. All Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder. The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding each other admiringly. BEDEVERE Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE My liege ... forgive me ... ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction. ARTHUR Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join our number at the Round Table? BEDEVERE My liege, I am honored. ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty ARTHUR What is your name? BEDEVERE Bedevere, my Liege. ARTHUR Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table! 6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION VOICE OVER And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ... To sit at The Round Table ... Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting his Knights: 1. ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside. MIX TO: 2. A castle. LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's group approaching and shaking hands perhaps. 3. MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream and approaching SIR HECTOR. ARTHUR dubs him. 4. MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group of buildings or whatever. In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught the lute by one of his MUSICIANS. ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to join ARTHUR & CO. 5. MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens. He is wearing a carpenters apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house. We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down the hen-house and goes to join them. 6. MIX TO the group riding along again. 7. MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his castle, WIFE and CHILDREN. The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing hanging outside it. A real family castle. There are at least six kids. 8. MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE, GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE. 6 CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written: THE BOOK OF THE FILM VOICE OVER The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ... but other illustrious names were soon to follow ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Sir Launcelot the Brave ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Sir Galahad the Pure ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ... Hand turns Page. VOICE OVER ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ... and the aptly named ... Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Hand turns page. VOICE OVER Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ... A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand. Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO: 7 EXTERIOR - SUNSET Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR at the front of the group deep in conversation. BEDEVERE And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEVERE OF course, my Liege ... LAUNCELOT (he points) Look, my liege! They all stop and look. ARTHUR (with thankful reverence) Camelot! CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays of the setting sun. Music. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination. GALAHAD Camelot ... LAUNCELOT Camelot ... GAWAIN (at the back, to PAGE) It's only a model. ARTHUR (turning sharply) Sh! (to the rest) Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ... to Camelot. 8 INTERIOR - NIGHT CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat 'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. The poorer verses are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in the described task while the line itself is sung. They sing: KNIGHTS We're knights of the round table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot. Booming basses. A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS' armour producing a pleasing effect. In war we're tough and able. Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy life in Camelot. SINGLE MAN I have to push the pram a lot. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them. ARTHUR No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. KNIGHTS Right! ARTHUR It is a silly place. They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out. GOD Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ... They all prostrate themselves even further Oh, don't grovel ... do get up! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling!! ARTHUR and COMPANY rise. ARTHUR Sorry ... GOD And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ... What are you doing now? ARTHUR I'm averting my eyes, Lord. GOD Well, don't. I really don't know where all this got started. It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing. Now knock it of ARTHUR Yes, Lord. GOD Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ... ARTHUR Good idea, O Lord! GOD Course it's a good idea. Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which is GOD a shape slowly starts to form. Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ... the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ... The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice ... the KNIGHTS gasp. Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade. That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ... It is gone. All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment. They all turn and look at ARTHUR. LAUNCELOT A Blessing. A blessing from the lord. BEDEVERE Praise be to God! An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them. ARTHUR We have a task, we must waste no time! To Camelot! GALAHAD God be praised! Stirring music crescendo. They ride off. CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After titles CUT TO: 9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the two PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare. A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him. ARTHUR Hello. MAN 'Allo. Whoo is eet? ARTHUR I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? MAN This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard. ARTHUR Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. MAN Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see? ARTHUR What? GALAHAD He says they've already got one! They are stunned. ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one? MAN Oh yes. It's very nice CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others. MAN I told him we already got one. They all giggle. ARTHUR Well ... can we come up and have a look? MAN Of course not! You are English pigs. ARTHUR Well, what are you then? MAN I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king. GALAHAD What are you doing in England? MAN Mind your own business. ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle. Murmurs of assent. MAN You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets. He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry. GALAHAD What a strange person. ARTHUR Now look here, my good man! MAN I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. GALAHAD Is there someone else up there we could talk to? MAN No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. ARTHUR Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab... MAN Fetchez la vache! GUARD Quoi? MAN Fetchez la vache! CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR. ARTHUR Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ! A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely. ROBIN What a cruel thing to do. BEDEVERE (Choking back tears) It hadn't even been milked. ARTHUR Right! Knights! Forward! ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals. ARTHUR (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep) Knights! Run away! Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover. LAUNCELOT The sods! I'll tear them apart. ARTHUR (restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go) No! BEDEVERE I have a plan sir. CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering towards the English lines. Wind whistles. Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle. Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk. As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the woodland with fires burning where the English lines are. During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd, followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity. CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland. Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the FRENCH. They suddenly hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder. CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting louder. Shot of the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The squeaking gets louder an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH scuttle back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it and a rather crudely written label, which reads "Pour votres amis Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he turns and leaves battlements. CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of the castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then another Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in French, look rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching. ARTHUR Now what happens? BEDEVERE Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed! ARTHUR Who ... Who breaks out? BEDEVERE Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out of the rabbit and ... LAUNCELOT covers his eyes. BEDEVERE Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger... ARTHUR cuffs him. ARTHUR looks at the battlements. There is a loud twang. Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements. ARTHUR Run away! More shouts. Run away! SIR GAWAIN (to his PAGE as they run away) It's only a model. ARTHUR Sh! They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE (who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage). 10 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks straight to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way. SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: A Very Famous Historian. HISTORIAN'S SPEECH Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner... A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off. We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A. twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her HUSBAND. MRS HISTORIAN FRANK! CUT TO animated frame, with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it. Pleasant pastoral music. MIX THROUGH TO: VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin" 11 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts. As we see them approach we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine, one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes. The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song, but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start to have their effect ... SONG: Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot, He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin, He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken; To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off, And his penis split ... and his ... ROBIN Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads. It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot. SINGERS Brave, Sir Rob ... ROBIN Shut up. They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:- ------------------------------------------------------ CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY ------------------------------------------------------------ 12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up like a barbecue. Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe through their skulls. They look timorous. Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all look fed up. SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes. ROBIN Morning. ONE LADY Bye. SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT. THREE HEADS Halt! Who art thou? SINGERS He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ... ROBIN (to SINGERS) Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through. THREE HEADS What do you want? SINGERS To fight and ... ROBIN Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good Sir knight. THREE HEADS I'm afraid not. This is my bit of the forest. Find your own bit. ROBIN I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table. I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass. THREE HEADS You are a Knight of the Round Table? ROBIN I am. From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually. SECOND HEAD Shit. FIRST HEAD In that case I shall have to kill you. SECOND HEAD Shall I? THIRD HEAD Oh, I don't think so. SECOND HEAD I'm not sure. MIDDLE HEAD (to FIRST) What do I think? LEFT HEAD I think kill him. SECOND HEAD I'm still not sure. THIRD HEAD All right. How many of me think I should kill him? FIRST HEAD I do. THIRD HEAD One. SECOND HEAD That's not a quorum. FIRST HEAD It is if I'm the Chairman. THIRD HEAD Oo, it's not. SECOND HEAD I'm the Chairman this week. FIRST HEAD You're not. SECOND HEAD Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me. THIRD HEAD To kill him. SECOND HEAD Yeah. THIRD HEAD (tuts) Oh, damn. FIRST HEAD (to SIR ROBIN) Knight, I have decided to kill you. THIRD HEAD With one absenting. FIRST HEAD Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting. THIRD HEAD (to SIR ROBIN) Sorry about this but I have to be fair. ROBIN Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe. FIRST HEAD Er no, with my sword. SECOND HEAD Dagger. THIRD HEAD Mace is quicker. FIRST HEAD No, no, the sword, it's easier. THIRD HEAD He said axe. ROBIN Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off. THIRD HEAD (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD) For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour. FIRST HEAD What do you mean? THIRD HEAD Yapping on all the time. SECOND HEAD You're lucky, you're not next to him. THIRD HEAD What do you mean? SECOND HEAD You snore. THIRD HEAD Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath. SECOND HEAD (aspirating heavily) I haven't. Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces. SECOND HEAD It's not my fault. It's what you both eat. FIRST HEAD Look, stop this bitching. We've got a knight to kill. SECOND HEAD He's buggered off. THIRD HEAD So he has. He's scarpered. FIRST HEAD That's all your fault. THIRD HEAD No, it's not. FIRST HEAD (swipes at himself) Take that. SECOND HEAD Ow. FIRST HEAD I'm sorry. THIRD HEAD 'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you. The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS argue and shout with pain. We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their tree. They are still very fed up. MAIDEN I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads. LOVELY Chance would be a fine thing. THIRD HEAD Oh! let's be nice to him. FIRST HEAD Oh shut up. ROBIN Perhaps I could ... FIRST HEAD Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off. THIRD HEAD Oh, cut your own head off. SECOND HEAD Yes - do us all a favour. FIRST HEAD What? THIRD HEAD Yapping on all the time. SECOND HEAD You're lucky, you're not next to him. THIRD HEAD What do you mean? SECOND HEAD You snore. THIRD HEAD Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath. SECOND HEAD Well only because you don't brush my teeth ... THIRD HEAD Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits. FIRST HEAD All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. SECOND HEAD Yes. THIRD HEAD Oh! not biscuits ... FIRST HEAD All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ... WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone. SECOND HEAD He's buggered off! THIRD HEAD So he has! He's scarpered. 13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics. SINGERS Brave Sir Robin ran away. ROBIN I didn't. SINGERS Bravely ran away, away. ROBIN No, no, no. SINGERS When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet He beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave Sir Robin Petrified of being dead Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin Turned away and fled. They disappear into distance. ANIMATION: "The Tale Of Sir Galahad" 14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain. More louder closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle, perhaps looking rather derelict. He makes up his mind in an instant and stumbles manfully toward it. More louder howling. He reaches the forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause. He beats again, shouting: GALAHAD Open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors. I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table. Some suitable noises are herd inside. I am on a quest for the Holy Grail. I seek shelter. Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks open GALAHAD steps quickly inside. 15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the fact he is trapped. ZOOT (OUT OF VISION) Hello! GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and wave. GIRLIES Hello! ZOOT Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. GALAHAD The Castle Anthrax? ZOOT Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need! GALAHAD Er ... You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? ZOOT The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! MIDGET AND CRAPPER Yes, O Zoot? ZOOT Prepare a bed for our guest. MIDGET AND CRAPPER (grovelling with delight) Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you. ZOOT Away varletesses! (to GALAHAD) The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. GALAHAD Well, look er, I ... ZOOT What is your name, handsome knight? GALAHAD Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste. ZOOT Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot (she is very close to him for a moment) But come. She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading to the bedchamber GALAHAD Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ... ZOOT Sir Galahad!! There is a gasp from the other GIRLS ZOOT You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of being offended. GALAHAD Well ... ZOOT (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows) I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear.... They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber. ZOOT turns ZOOT We are just not used to handsome knights ... (she notices him limping) But you are wounded! GALAHAD No, It's nothing! ZOOT You must see the doctors immediately. (she claps again) You must lie down. She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They approach GALAHAD. PIGLET Well, what seems to be the trouble? GALAHAD They're doctors? ZOOT They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest. Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!! WINSTON Try to relax. GALAHAD No look, really, this isn't nescess ... PIGLET We must examine you. GALAHAD There's nothing wrong with ... that. PIGLET (slightly irritated) Please ... we are doctors. ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there is a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour. WINSTON glances quickly in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the bed and collecting his armour, saying: GALAHAD No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity! PIGLET Back to your bed! At once! GALAHAD I'm sorry, I must go. GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY. He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying: GALAHAD Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ... DINGO No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. GALAHAD Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately. DINGO (very dramatically) No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot. GALAHAD Er, why? DINGO She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to stay for ever! GALAHAD Oh! GALAHAD Oh ... will you excuse me? DINGO Where are you going? GALAHAD I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle! DINGO No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot! GALAHAD What is it? DINGO Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon, which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the first time we've had this problem. GALAHAD It's not the real Grail? DINGO Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come! GIRLS A spanking! A spanking! DINGO You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me. AMAZING And spank me! STUNNER And me. LOVELY And me. DINGO Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight. DINGO And after the spanking ... the oral sex. GALAHAD Oh, dear! Well, I... GIRLS The oral sex ... The oral sex. GALAHAD Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer. At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD, possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS. LAUNCELOT Sir Galahad! GALAHAD Oh ... hello ... LAUNCELOT Quick! GALAHAD Why? LAUNCELOT You are in great peril. DINGO No he isn't LAUNCELOT Silence! Foul temptress! GALAHAD Well, she's got a point. LAUNCELOT We'll cover your escape! GALAHAD Look - I'm fine! GIRLS Sir Galahad! He threatens DINGO. GALAHAD No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! GIRLS Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed! LAUNCELOT Come Sir Galahad, quickly! GALAHAD No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily! DINGO Yes, let him handle us easily. LAUNCELOT No sir. Quick! He starts pulling GALAHAD away. GALAHAD No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred. GIRLS He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance. DINGO Oh shit! By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing area and are running through the outside door. LAUNCELOT We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. GALAHAD (dragging his feet somewhat) I don't think I was. LAUNCELOT You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril. GALAHAD Look, let me go back in there and face the peril? LAUNCELOT It's too perilous. They are right outside the castle by now. GALAHAD Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can. LAUNCELOT No, no, we must find the Grail. The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off. GALAHAD Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril? LAUNCELOT No. It's unhealthy. GALAHAD ... I Bet you're gay. LAUNCELOT No, I'm not. GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as they ride off. VOICE OVER Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made any progress. 16 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind SOOTHSAYER. He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut. ARTHUR And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of this encounter. ARTHUR Where does he live? (he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN) Old man ... where does he live ... SOOTHSAYER He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered. ARTHUR And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there? The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself. SOOTHSAYER There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed. ARTHUR But the Grail ... where is the Grail!? SOOTHSAYER Seek you the Bridge of Death ... ARTHUR The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail? The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he is gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn sharply in the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is gone. They slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts they just flake away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them. They turn in fear and: Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face. TALL KNIGHT OF NI Ni! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts. ARTHUR (to PATSY) Easy ... boy, easy ... ARTHUR peers into the darkness. Who are you? SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom! An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He is extremely fierce and gruesome countenance. He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.) ARTHUR (wazzed stiff) Who are you? TALL KNIGHT We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"! BEDEVERE No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"! TALL KNIGHT The same! ARTHUR Who are they? TALL KNIGHT We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee ... Wom! BEDEVERE Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. TALL KNIGHT The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice. ARTHUR (to the TALL KNIGHT) Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers. We seek the Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ... TALL KNIGHT NI! ARTHUR (recoiling) Oh! TALL KNIGHT NI! NI! ARTHUR (he cowers in fear) Oh! TALL KNIGHT We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR All right! What do you want? TALL KNIGHT We want ... a shrubbery! ARTHUR A what? TALL KNIGHT Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum! The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you a shrubbery ... TALL KNIGHT You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall not pass through this wood alive! ARTHUR Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will return with a shrubbery. TALL KNIGHT One that looks nice. ARTHUR Of course. TALL KNIGHT And not too expensive. ARTHUR Yes ... TALL KNIGHT Now - go! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off. OTHER KNIGHTS Ni! Ni! Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them. 17 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade. His WIFE, who has been kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade. They bend over her HUSBAND. One takes out a notebook. CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot" 18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle window. His FATHER stands beside him. He is also looking out. The PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt). FATHER One day, lad, all this will be yours ... PRINCE What - the curtains? FATHER No! Not the curtains, lad ... All that ... (indicates the vista from the window) all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ... that'll be your kingdom, lad. PRINCE But, Mother ... FATHER Father, lad. PRINCE But, Father, I don't really want any of that. FATHER Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up. ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island. PRINCE But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ... FATHER Rather what? PRINCE I'd rather ... just ... sing ... MUSIC INTRO FATHER You're not going to do a song while I'm here! Music stops. Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. PRINCE I don't want land. FATHER Listen, Alice ... PRINCE Herbert. FATHER Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get. PRINCE But I don't like her. FATHER Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful ... she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ... PRINCE I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to have ... a certain ... special ... something ... MUSIC INTO FOR song. FATHER Cut that out! Music cuts off abruptly. You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! Guards! TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout. FATHER Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. FIRST GUARD Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him. FATHER No. Until I come and get him. SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER No ... You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD ... and you'll come and get him. SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER That's Right. FIRST GUARD We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER Leaving the room. FIRST GUARD Leaving the room ... yes. FATHER Got it? SECOND GUARD Hic. FARTHER makes to leave. FIRST GUARD Er ... if ... we ... er ... FATHER Yes? FIRST GUARD If we ... er ... (trying to remember what he was going to say) FATHER Look, it's simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER Right? FIRST GUARD Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us? FATHER (carefully) No .... keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ... FIRST GUARD Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him. FATHER No ... just keep him in here. FIRST GUARD Until you, or anyone else ... FATHER No, not anyone else - just me. FIRST GUARD Just you ... SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD Get back. FATHER Right. FIRST GUARD Okay. Fine. We'll remain here until you get back. FATHER And make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD What? FATHER Make sure he doesn't leave. FIRST GUARD The Prince ... ? FATHER Yes ... make sure ... FIRST GUARD Oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him! (he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself) You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard ... FATHER Is that clear? SECOND GUARD Hic. FIRST GUARD Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems. FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow. FATHER (to the GUARDS) Where are you going? FIRST GUARD We're coming with you. FATHER No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back. FIRST GUARD Oh, I see, Right. They take up positions on either side of the door. PRINCE But, Father. FATHER Shut your noise, you, and get that suit on! He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair. FATHER throws one last look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door. The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window. MUSIC INTRO to song ... The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in. FATHER And no singing! SECOND GUARD Hic. FATHER (as he goes out.) Go and have a drink of water. FATHER slams the door again. The GUARDS take up their positions. The SON gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes him ... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow out of the window. He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly. 15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY CUT TO the middle of the forest. SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with a trusty servant, CONCORDE. LAUNCELOT And ... o v e r ... we go! He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ... LAUNCELOT (enthusiastically) Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE Thank you, sir, most kind ... LAUNCELOT And another! CONCORDE misses a beat. Steady! Good ... and the last one ... CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts. He does the break for the leap ... there is a thwack. SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse to land. CONCORDE Message for you, sir. He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note. LAUNCELOT Concorde - speak to me. He realises he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ... when he notices the note. He takes it out and reads it. LAUNCELOT (reading) "To whoever finds this note - I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please please please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration. LAUNCELOT At last! A call! A cry of distress ... (he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE) Concorde! Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE I'm not quite dead, sir ... LAUNCELOT (a little deflated) Oh, well ... er brave Concorde! You shall not have been fatally wounded in vain! CONCORDE I think I could pull through, sir. LAUNCELOT Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile. He makes to leap off dramatically. CONCORDE I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir. LAUNCELOT I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre. CONCORDE Really, I feel fine, sir. LAUNCELOT Farewell, Concorde! CONCORDE It just seems silly ... me lying here. SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest. 20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram: "H & L". TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on their right spears. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music. We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps. The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. One of them raises his hand. FIRST SENTRY Halt, friend ... LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and hacks him to the floor. Blood. Swashbuckling music (perhaps). LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming. SECOND SENTRY Hey! He looks down at his mutilated comrade. 21 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard. in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving. Converging on a doorway. A country dance in progress. SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them. CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way. He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise. Possibly Errol Flynn music. One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand. Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his way through the door and into the main hall. 22 INTERIOR - DAY CUT TO interior of main hall. Sound of busy preparations. MEN setting up huge hogsheads of wine. MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements. COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's head, etc. The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS. FATHER ordering SERVANTS around - organizing the STEWARDS etc. SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically, hacking, wounding and killing. Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS. We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc. SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and into a small door. 23 INTERIOR - DAY CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door of the PRINCE's room. he flings it open. FIRST GUARD Ah! Now ... we're not allowed to ... SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly. SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE, averting his head. LAUNCELOT Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot, from the Court of Camelot. I have come to take you ... (he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away) away ... I'm terribly sorry ... PRINCE You got my note! LAUNCELOT Well ... yes ... PRINCE You've come to rescue me? LAUNCELOT Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ... PRINCE (his eyes light up) I knew that someone would come. I knew ... somewhere out there ... there must be ... MUSIC INTRO to song. FATHER (suddenly looking in the door) Stop that! Music cuts out. FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son. FATHER Who are you? PRINCE I'm ... your son ... FATHER Not you. LAUNCELOT (half standing self-consciously) I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir. PRINCE He's come to rescue me, father. LAUNCELOT (embarrassed) Well, let's not jump to conclusions ... FATHER Did you kill all those guards? LAUNCELOT Yes ... I'm very sorry ... FATHER They cost fifty pounds each! LAUNCELOT Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ... I can explain everything ... PRINCE Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope here all ready ... He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room He looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready. FATHER You killed eight wedding guests in all! LAUNCELOT Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady. FATHER I can understand that. PRINCE (half out of the window) Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot! FATHER (to his SON) Shut up! (to LAUNCELOT) You only killed the bride's father - that's all - LAUNCELOT Oh dear, I didn't really mean to... FATHER Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head! LAUNCELOT Gosh - Is he all right? FATHER You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's going to cost me a fortune! LAUNCELOT I can explain ... I was in the forest ... riding north from Camelot ... when I got this note. FATHER Camelot? Are you from Camelot? The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill. PRINCE Hurry! LAUNCELOT I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur. FATHER 'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country.... LAUNCELOT Is it? PRINCE (out of vision) I am ready, Sir Launcelot. FATHER Do you want to come and have a drink? LAUNCELOT Oh ... that's awfully nice. PRINCE (OOV) (loud and shrill) I am ready! As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife. there is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground. LAUNCELOT It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ... FATHER Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own that stretch of farmland up by the mountains? He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door. 24 INTERIOR - DAY CUT TO the great hall. GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is holding her chest and coughing blood. People dabbing the stains off her dress. FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase. Talking to each other. One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT. GUEST There he is! As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the staircase, muttering angrily. SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword. FATHER Hold it! But it is too lake. SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped. With fearless abandon he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing. He has carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop him and pulls him back onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries. FATHER (shouting above noise) Hold it! Please! LAUNCELOT Sorry! Sorry ... (with bitter self reproach) There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away ... I'm ever so sorry. (to the CROWD) Sorry. CROWD kneeling round their wounded again. Moans etc. GUEST He's killed the best man! SECOND GUEST (holding a limp WOMAN) He's killed my auntie. FATHER No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ... We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. Murmurs from CROWD; the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs. But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ... so much as gained a daughter ... Smattering of applause. For, since the tragic death of her father ... SHOUT FROM BACK He's not quite dead! FATHER Since the fatal wounding of her father ... SHOUT FROM BACK I think He's getting better! FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side. The SOLDIER slips off. FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice came from. FATHER For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him. A scuffle at the back. SHOUT FROM BACK Oh, he's died! FATHER I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense. Applause. And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot of Camelot ... LAUNCELOT What? Gasp from the CROWD. CROWD The dead Prince! There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms. CONCORDE He's not quite dead! PRINCE I feel much better. FATHER You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep! PRINCE I was saved at the last minute. FATHER How? PRINCE Well ... I'll tell you ... MUSIC INTRO to song. CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod "and now a number from my friend" pose. FATHER Not like that! But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing. CROWD He's going to tell. FATHER Shut up! CROWD He's going to tell ... FATHER (screaming) Shut UP! As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives up. SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD. LAUNCELOT We must escape. Quickly before the song. CONCORDE Come with me, sir. LAUNCELOT You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically. CONCORDE Quickly, sir, come this way! LAUNCELOT No! It's not right for my idiom. I must escape more ... more ... CONCORDE Dramatically, sir? LAUNCELOT Dramatically. CROWD He's going to tell He's going to tell He's going to tell about his great escape. Oh he fell a long long way But he's here with us today What a wonderful ... escape. CONCORDE goes. SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth. LAUNCELOT Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ... 25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK Toothless old CRONE by the roadside. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE. ARTHUR Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery? The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror. CRONE Who sent you? ARTHUR The Knights Who Say Ni! CRONE Aaaagh! (she looks around in rear) No! We have no shrubberies here. BEDEVERE Surely, there must be. ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY. ARTHUR (aside) It will be not good to argue. These simple people are terrified of the Knights Who Say Ni! CRONE (she cowers) Ohhh! ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside. ARTHUR There is only one way to get the information we want ... BEDEVERE Send her a letter from a long way away? ARTHUR Er, no ... no, we must ... BEDEVERE Talk to her in funny voices? ARTHUR (slightly crossly) No ... BEDEVERE How about trying ourselves to a tree? ARTHUR (grittily) No. Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of the awful Knights Who Say Ni! BEDEVERE (sagely) Ah! Hit ourselves with a big rock ... He nods knowingly. ARTHUR (tolerantly but firmly) No. Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as what we can do to her ... BEDEVERE Ah! ARTHUR We must threaten to say "Ni"! BEDEVERE (terror) Oh, no. They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever. ARTHUR Listen, old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!" CRONE Do your worst! I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night. I have herd the hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still I have not revealed ... ARTHUR Very well, old crone. Since you will not assist us voluntarily ... "Ni"! CRONE No. Never. No shrubberies. ARTHUR Ni! BEDEVERE Nu! ARTHUR No. Ni! More like this. "Ni"! BEDEVERE Ni, ni, ni! ARTHUR It's not working. You're not doing it properly. Ni! BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR That's it. Ni! Ni! A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them. ROGER Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman? ARTHUR Erm, yes. ROGER Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land! nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this point in time. ARTHUR Did you say shrubberies? ROGER Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEVERE (rather aggressively, to ROGER) Ni! ARTHUR No. No. No! 26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK CUT TO the glade in the forest again. ARTHUR Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now? TALL KNIGHT That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - But there is one small problem. ARTHUR What is that? TALL KNIGHT We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni! ONE KNIGHT Ni! OTHERS Sh! ONE KNIGHT (wispers) Sorry. TALL KNIGHT We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping! OTHERS Ni! OTHERS Ni! ONE KNIGHT Peng! OTHERS Ni! OTHERS Sh! Sh! TALL KNIGHT Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni! ONE KNIGHT Ni! ANOTHER Peng! ANOTHER Sh! TALL KNIGHT Shut up! (to ARTHUR) Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who say Neeeow ... wum ... ping! OTHERS (terrific chorus) Neeeow ... wum ... ping! ARTHUR What is this test, Knights of N... (can't say it) ... Recently Knights of Ni! KNIGHT Ni! TALL KNIGHT Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery! OTHER KNIGHTS (half seen) More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni! ARTHUR Not another shrubbery - TALL KNIGHT When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here, beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect with a path through the middle. OTHER KNIGHTS A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni! Chorus of "Ni! Ni!" TALL KNIGHT When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring. OTHER KNIGHTS Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring! ARTHUR We shall do no such thing ... let us pass! TALL KNIGHT Oh, please! ARTHUR Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done! OTHER KNIGHTS (they all recoil in horror) Oh! TALL KNIGHT Don't say that word. ARTHUR What word? TALL KNIGHT I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni! cannot hear! ARTHUR How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is? TALL KNIGHT (cringing in fear) You said it again! ARTHUR What, "is"? TALL KNIGHT (dismissively) No, no ... not "is"! OTHER KNIGHTS Not "is"! Not "is"! Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest. SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid To have his eyeballs skewered ... TALL KNIGHT (irritated) "Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"! BEDEVERE My liege, it's Sir Robin! TALL KNIGHT (covering his ears) You've said the word again! SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing. The SINGERS are going on cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually embarrassed at their presence. SINGERS ... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ... ROBIN holds his hand up for silence. ARTHUR Sir Robin! He shakes his hand warmly. ROBIN My liege! It's good to have found you again ... TALL KNIGHT Now he's said the word! ARTHUR Where are you going good Sir Robin? ROBIN'S SINGERS (starting up again) He was going home ... he was giving up, He was throwing in the sponge. ROBIN (to SINGERS) Shut up! No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ... er thing ... in this forest. ARTHUR No ... it lies beyond this forest. TALL KNIGHT Stop saying the word! OTHER KNIGHTS Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ... ARTHUR (losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI") Oh, stop it! Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground covering their ears. The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control his MEN. OTHER KNIGHTS They're all saying the word ... TALL KNIGHT Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ... OTHER KNIGHTS You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it. ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest. 27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade CUT BACK to the forest. The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering. they get up. TALL KNIGHT Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery. OTHER KNIGHTS Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ... NI! TALL KNIGHT Ssh! I think somebody's coming. We'll get them to give us another shrubbery. OTHER KNIGHTS Good Idea. More shrubberies. As many as possible. Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking. TALL KNIGHT What shall we call ourselves this time? KNIGHT How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"? 28 EXTERIOR - DAY A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the apparent direction of someone behind the camera. A Few coughs as they shuffle together. a moment of silence. then they burst into pleasant (melliflubus) song. Song: When the trees do blossom full and all the hills are green Oh! Oh! We sing hey! hey! We sing our count....ry Song... A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up. sound of raucous laughter OFF CAMERA. CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from the group of SINGERS. Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring with roaring with laughter. and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the marks of a faded richness. it is a court without women, and nobody does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however on the line over the castle. KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around him. Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly the result of some violent edict a few years back) KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Very good! Next! FIRST ADVISER (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously giving him some pain) There are no more, Sir. KING BRIAN (grabbing him by the collar) What do'you mean you filthy dog! FIRST ADVISER There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir. KING BRIAN No more close harmony groups!!! FIRST ADVISER We have scoured the kingdom. KING BRIAN (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his arm again slightly) You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper! Guards! Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also have their left arms missing) FIRST ADVISER have mercy your MAJESTY! KING BRIAN GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom! The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. he whines piteously. 29 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were. A police car roars up. Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument that was hanging from BEDEVERE. They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off. 30 EXTERIOR - DAY Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off. there are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. the FIRST ADVISER is being hauled up it on pulleys. SECOND ADVISER Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing sweet. KING BRIAN It's not the same, You thick-headed fool! (KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head. he falls.) There's no fun in killing soloists! SECOND ADVISER (picking himself up) He may have a friend... KING BRIAN GUARDS! SECOND ADVISER Oh Please your majesty! Please! KING BRIAN Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom! The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away. SECOND ADVISER No! (he is dragged off screaming and protesting) KING BRIAN (roaring at the rest of the court) I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that there are no more close harmony ... At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped to listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous sounds. We're the knights of the round table our shows are formidable but many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable... KING BRIAN Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead! Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily. CREEP Thank goodness. KING BRIAN Shut up! (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the SECOND ADVISER) Oy you! SECOND ADVISER (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach) Yes, Your majesty? KING BRIAN Go and get 'em! SECOND ADVISER (gratefully) Thank you sir! (He staggers off with some difficulty) GUARD 'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out. CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT. (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot) plus all their pages. there are riding along singing cheerily. KNIGHTS We're baby mad and Camelot we nurse and push the pram a lot in war we're tough and able quite indefatigable between our quests we sequin vests and dress like betty gable it's a... SECOND ADVISER HALT! SIR GALAHAD Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table in mid-verse? SECOND ADVISER I bring greetings from the court of king Brian. SIR LANCELOT King Brian the wild? SECOND ADVISER Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently. SIR GALAHAD Are those YOUR kidneys? SECOND ADVISER (covering his stomach) No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound. (The KNIGHTS look at each other) he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court, that he may listen at his ease ooh! SIR LANCELOT You must be joking! (general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.) Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony! OTHER KNIGHTS No fear etc. SECOND ADVISER (in increasing pain) It need not be close harmony oooh agh! SIR GALAHAD Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it? SECOND ADVISER Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than he used to be. SIR GALAHAD I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of straight choral work? SECOND ADVISER Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh! KNIGHTS Ah! There you are! SIR LAUNCELOT We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society. SECOND ADVISER Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh! ARTHUR No we must be on our way. They start off. SECOND ADVISER (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to sound threatening) If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh ... iron spikes though your heads. KNIGHTS Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild! SECOND ADVISER (looking helplessly at his intestines) He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally. SIR GALAHAD Like with close harmony groups. SECOND ADVISER Ooh ... Look if you're scared ... SIR LANCELOT We're not SCARED! SECOND ADVISER (With his last ounce of strength) Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close harmony! ARTHUR A challenge? The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS look at him rather fearfully. ARTHUR (majestacally) It is a challenge. We cannot refuse. SIR GALAHAD King Brian's a fucking looney. SECOND ADVISER Great! (dies) SIR GALAHAD Are you all right? CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias. he sees the KNIGHTS enter the arena. KING BRIAN Ah good! CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed notes. meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation. KING BRIAN settling down. KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close harmony group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off) SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having his gag removed. SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still rather nervous. The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes. KING BRIAN (who can't wait) RIGHT! Carry on gentleman. HERALD KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON! ARTHUR (wispering) All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base. They all nod. One... Two... Three... Sound of Bows being drown very near by. ARTHUR looks up and frowns. CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg missing, but they DO have two arms. Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO. ARTHUR Hold it! Err ... King Brian! HERALD (Louder than ever) ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN! KING BRIAN (trueulently) What? ARTHUR What are THEY For? (Indicates the archers) KING BRIAN Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be. ARTHUR Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience. KING BRIAN Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE! HERALD KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE! ARTHUR We'd rather give a private recital. HERALD THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD! KING BRIAN (to himself) Turds... HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step. ONE-LEGGED RSM Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left. They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight (Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high) KING BRIAN Right! Ready when you are. HERALD KING BRIAN IS READY! ARTHUR And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ... They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points, peep over the top of the fence. HOLD IT! SIR GAWAIN (singing) We're Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air. Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow. KING BRIAN What is it now? ARTHUR We're not entirely happy with the acoustics. HERALD THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH... KING BRIAN (impatiently) Oh Sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing! HERALD KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS! ARTHUR In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere. (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off) HERALD THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH, FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING! KING BRIAN (getting very angry and dribbling slightly) NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ... thing ... HERALD KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN INCIDENT. KING BRIAN Don't editorialize! HERALD SORRY, KING. KING BRIAN Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony! KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows. HERALD KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? KING BRIAN I said don't. HERALD Sorry, King. KING BRIAN Right! On the count of three ... one ... HERALD THE KING'S SAID ONE! KING BRIAN Two! HERALD THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT! We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. the KNIGHTS all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near. KING BRIAN (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust) Three! HERALD THREE! Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing "Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..." CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking rather embarrassed. KING BRIAN (turning to the sound) FANTASTIC! CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS "To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!" They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows. KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! Oh bloody marvellous! ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised but relieved. ARTHUR Sir Robin! this way! ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and make good their escape. KING BRIAN HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HERALD KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP! KING BRIAN Shut up! HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off. HERALD'S HEAD (as it rolls away) PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED! 28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION Shots of ARTHUR etc. Riding out of the forest. They leave the forest and they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD. VOICE OVER And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. 29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION VOICE OVER In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels ... And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ... MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS. Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ... 30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and inhospitable. Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride towards it. As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and branches to burst into flame. ARTHUR What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder? TIM I am an enchanter. ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE. ARTHUR By what name are you known? TIM There are some who call me Tim? ARTHUR Greetings Tim the Enchanter! TIM Greetings King Arthur. ARTHUR You know my name? TIM I do. (does another fire trick) You seek the Holy Grail. ARTHUR That is our quest. You know much that is hidden O Tim. TIM (does another fire trick) Quite. Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS. ARTHUR Yes we seek the Holy Grail. (clears throat very quietly) Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS Yes it is. ARTHUR And so we're looking for it. KNIGHTS Yes, we are. BEDEVERE We have been for some time. KNIGHTS Yes. ROBIN Months. ARTHUR Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful. GALAHAD Do you know where it ... TIM does another fire trick. ALL OTHER KNIGHTS Sssssh! ARTHUR Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ... I don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you haven't by any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might find ... a ... aaa ... TIM What? ARTHUR A G...g...g... TIM A Grail? They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively. ARTHUR Er ... yes ... I think so. ALL OTHER KNIGHTS Yes. TIM Yes. KNIGHTS Fine. ROBIN Splendid! OTHERS Yes, marvellous. TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then TIM produces another fire trick producing several different colours. ARTHUR Look, you're a busy man ... TIM Yes, I can help you with your guest. Slight pause. ALL OTHER KNIGHTS Thank you. Yes, thank you very much. TIM To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ... There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. They KNIGHTS get nervous. TIM ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. ARTHUR How shall we find this cave, O Tim? TIM Follow! The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves. But follow only if you are men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ... therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth. ARTHUR What an eccentric performance! 31 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it. The KNIGHTS are 'riding' towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. TIM gives a signal for quietness. ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'. ARTHUR Shhh! The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including whinnying. BEDEVERE (to ARTHUR) They're nervous, sire. ARTHUR Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. TIM takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the PAGES behind. After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign. TIM Behold the Cave of Caerbannog! CUT TO shot of cave. Bones littered around. The KNIGHTS get the wind up partially. A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords. ARTHUR Keep me covered. Stir among KNIGHTS. BEDEVERE What with? ARTHUR Just keep me covered. TIM Too late. ARTHUR What? TIM There he is! They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise. ARTHUR Where? TIM There. ARTHUR Behind the rabbit? TIM It is the rabbit. ARTHUR ... You silly sod. TIM What? ARTHUR You got us all worked up. BEDEVERE You cretin! TIM That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on. ROBIN You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared! TIM That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer! GALAHAD Oh, fuck off. Get stuffed. TIM He'll do you up a treat mate! GALAHAD Oh yeah? ROBIN You turd! Mangy scots git! TIM Look. I'm warning you. ROBIN What's he do? Nibble your bum? TIM Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a... look at the bones. ARTHUR Go on, Bors, chop its head off. BORS Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up. TIM Look! As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS' throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about twenty feet there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS. A quick CLOSE-UP of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off. The RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking in the KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly. ARTHUR Je...sus Christ! TIM I warned you! ROBIN I done it again. TIM Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better didn't you? No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it. The names you called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you. ARTHUR Oh, shut up. TIM (quietly) It's always the same ... if I've said it once. ARTHUR Charge! They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous twenty second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are comprehensively killed. Run away! Run away! ALL KNIGHTS (taking up cry) Run away! Run away! They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. TIM, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively. TIM Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. ARTHUR Who did we lose? LAUNCELOT Sir Gawain. GALAHAD Ector. ARTHUR And Bors. Five. GALAHAD Three, sir! ARTHUR Three. Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite. ROBIN Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more. ARTHUR Shut up. Go and change your armour. ROBIN leaves, walking strangely. GALAHAD Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. ARTHUR Like what? GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this. GALAHAD Do we have any bows? ARTHUR No. LAUNCELOT We have the Holy Hand Grenade. ROBIN The what? ARTHUR The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard always carries with him. ALL Yes. Of course. ARTHUR (shouting) Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused with the holy glow. ARTHUR takes it. Pause ARTHUR How does it ... er ... LAUNCELOT I know not. ARTHUR Consult the Book of Armaments. BROTHER MAYNARD Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One. ANOTHER MONK (reading from bible) And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... BROTHER MAYNARD Skip a bit brother ... ANOTHER MONK ... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ARTHUR Right. He pulls Pin out. The MONK blesses the grenade as ... ARTHUR (quietly) One, two , three ... , five ... GALAHAD Three, sir! ARTHUR Three. ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and cheering from the KNIGHTS. ALL KNIGHTS Praise be to the lord. Huzzah! 32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave. It is a large cave and as they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall. The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD. ARTHUR There! Look! BEDEVERE What does it say? GALAHAD What language is this? BEDEVERE Brother Maynard, you are a scholar. BROTHER MAYNARD It is Aramaic! GALAHAD Of course. Joseph of Aramathea! ALL Of course. ARTHUR What does it say? BROTHER MAYNARD It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea." Excitement. "He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." ARTHUR What? BROTHER MAYNARD "The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..." BEDEVERE What's that? BROTHER MAYNARD He must have died while carving it. BEDEVERE Oh, come on. BROTHER MAYNARD That's what it says. ARTHUR (miming) But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". He'd just say it. BROTHER MAYNARD It's down there carved in stone. GALAHAD Perhaps he was dictating. ARTHUR Shut up. Is that all it says? BROTHER MAYNARD That's all. "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". ARTHUR "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh". BEDEVERE Do you think he meant the Camargue? GALAHAD Where's that? BEDEVERE France, I think. LAUNCELOT Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall? ARTHUR No, that's Saint Ives. A muffled roar is heard. ROBIN Hey! BEDEVERE No, that's in Herefordshire. ROBIN (more urgently) No ... HEY!!! LAUNCELOT "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " ROBIN No! "Hey"! is surprise and alarm! BEDEVERE Oooooh! LAUNCELOT No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat. BEDEVERE No! "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm! He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There in the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast. ARTHUR Oh! GALAHAD My God! LAUNCELOT What is it? BEDEVERE I know! I know! I Know! ARTHUR What? BEDEVERE It's the ... oh ... (snaps his fingers as he tries to remember) it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ... Another hideous roar. That's it! ARTHUR What? BEDEVERE It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns. ARTHUR Who was that? HECTOR (from back of group; northern and helpful) It was Sir Alf. ARTHUR I didn't know we had a Sir Alf. HECTOR He was feeding it bread. ARTHUR (shouting back) Well, that was a very silly thing to do. Now the rest of you stand well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! HECTOR Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! ROBIN Look out. The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat into the darkness of the cave. GAWAIN (as they run) It's only a cartoon. ARTHUR Sh! They run off. Darkness. The MONSTER lumbering through on animation. VOICE OVER As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when, suddenly ... the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. ANIMATOR Aaaaagh! VOICE OVER The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. ANIMATED SEQUENCE. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a distant opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day. 33 EXTERIOR - DAY The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a breathtaking, barren landscape. Glencoe. They are half they way up the side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath back. GALAHAD Look! GALAHAD There it is! ARTHUR The Bridge of Death! ROBIN (to himself) Oh! Great ... They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone which bears the words: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 5 miles" and an arrow. ARTHUR God be praised. This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke in scene twenty-four. The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along the side of the mountain. GALAHAD is leading. MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher. The path gets more and more slippery and dangerous. They reach another milestone which says: "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni! 82 miles" and an arrow pointing in the opposite direction. They go on. It is dangerous and difficult. Tension in their faces. As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR. BEDEVERE We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ... ROBIN (to himself) Oh, great! BEDEVERE The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveller three questions. And he who answers the three questions can cross in safety. ROBIN (warily) And if you get a question wrong? BEDEVERE You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. 34 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT TO them struggling along. Perhaps downhill now. It is growing misty. SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points. They peer. CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the gorge below. We cannot see the other side. Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they met earlier in the forest. ARTHUR (to BEDEVERE) He's the Keeper of the Bridge. It's the old man. BEDEVERE (swallowing hard) Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR You go, Robin, and God be with you. ROBIN (looking round wildly) Er ... I tell you what - (lowering voice) Why doesn't Launcelot go? ARTHUR (considering a moment) Very well ... Sir Launcelot. Brave Sir Launcelot. This is the Bridge of Death ... LAUNCELOT Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed. (drawing his sword) I will ... ARTHUR restrains him. ARTHUR No, hang on. All we want is for you to approach the old man and he will ask you three questions. Answer those question as best you can, and we will watch ... and pray. LAUNCELOT Yes, my liege ... ARTHUR Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! Be careful ... They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten. LAUNCELOT approaches the Bridge of Death. ARTHUR Listen to the questions. BEDEVERE Look! It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here? ARTHUR He is the keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions ... GALAHAD Three questions. ARTHUR Three questions ... he who answers the five questions GALAHAD Three questions. ARTHUR Three questions, may cross in safety. ROBIN (warily) And if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN Oh ... wacho! GALAHAD Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go. ROBIN Hey! I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go? LAUNCELOT Yes. Let me. I will take it single-handed ... I will make feint to the north-east ... ARTHUR No, hang on! Just answer the five questions ... GALAHAD Three questions ... ARTHUR Three questions ... And we shall watch ... and pray. LAUNCELOT I understand, my liege. ARTHUR Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot ... God be with you. LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER. BRIDGEKEEPER Stop! SIR LAUNCELOT stops. The KNIGHTS watch anxiously. ARTHUR sniffs briefly and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armour. BRIDGEKEEPER Who approaches the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three! Ere the other side he see. LAUNCELOT Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your name? LAUNCELOT My name is Sir Launcelot. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your quest? LAUNCELOT To find the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your favorite colour? LAUNCELOT Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER Right. Off you go. SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist. The bridge perhaps disappears into the mist and we cannot see the other side. ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN exchange glances. ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief. ROBIN That's easy! BRIDGEKEEPER Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three! Ere the other side he see! ROBIN Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your name? ROBIN My name is Sir Robin of Camelot! BRIDGEKEEPER What is your quest? ROBIN To seek the Grail! BRIDGEKEEPER What is the capital of Assyria? ROBIN (indignantly) I don't know that! He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the precipice. ROBIN Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! 35 EXTERIOR - DAY CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side. He looks back across the invisible chasm. Dimly in the distance he hears: GAWAIN (OUT OF VISION) Sir Gawain of Camelot! BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV) What is your quest? GAWAIN (OOV) To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV) What goes: black white ... black white ... black white? GAWAIN (OOV) Oh, er ... Babylon! er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge. In the distance we hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud, suddenly a hand lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder. POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER) Just want to ask you some questions, sir. LAUNCELOT turns and reacts. He is led away. 36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake. BEDEVERE (to ARTHUR) How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to maintain velocity? ARTHUR Oh ... when you're king you know all those things. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your favorite colour? GAWAIN Blue ... No yelloooooww! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your name? ARTHUR It is Arthur, King of the Britons. BRIDGEKEEPER What is your quest? ARTHUR To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER Er ... I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh! BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge. BEDEVERE How do you know so much about swollows? ARTHUR Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. Suddenly they appear at water's edge. They look across the water. A huge expanse disappearing into the mist. How can they cross? Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them. They gaze in wonder. The mysterious boat comes to where they are standing. As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer to the boat. As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks up at them. BOATKEEPER (he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER) He who would cross the Sea if Fate must answer me these questions twenty-eight. He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances, then turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the water. They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist FADE OUT 37 ANIMATION A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake. MIX TO 38 EXTERIOR - DAY The boat carries them across a magical lake. They land and get out of the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their knees. Crescendo on music. ARTHUR God be praised! The deaths of many find knights have this day been avenged. Music swells. They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for which they have searched for so long. Suddenly a voice comes from the battlements. Music cuts dead. FROG Ha ha! Hello! Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. The KNIGHTS look up. FROG We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!" ARTHUR stands and shouts. ARTHUR How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us! (he turns to the KNIGHTS) Come. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle. FROG How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour. (blows a raspberry) I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters. By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door. ARTHUR bangs on the door. ARTHUR In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle. Jeering from the battlements. FROG No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! French laughter ARTHUR If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ... A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity. ARTHUR In the name of God ... and the glory of our ... Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR. ... Right! (to the KNIGHTS) That settles it! They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them. FROG Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your testicles already. ARTHUR (to KNIGHTS) Walk away. Just ignore them. ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off. A small hail of chickens, watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees. FROG And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy k...niggets, and A. King Esquire. CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He rises up into SHOT. BRIDGEKEEPER He would cross the sea of fate, Must answer me these questions Twenty-eight. CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two CONSTABLES. INSPECTOR All right, put him in the van. THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van. CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in the distance. FRENCH You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ... ARTHUR (to BEDEVERE) We shall attack at once. BEDEVERE Yes, my liege. (he turns) Stand by for attack!! CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness. ARTHUR Who are they? BEDEVERE Oh, just some friends! We end up back with ARTHUR. He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready. PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle. ARTHUR French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall bee avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then: CHARGE! The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts. Shouts etc. The charge towards the castle. Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE. Black Marias skid up behind them. The ARMY halts. HISTORIAN'S WIFE They're the ones, I'm sure. INSPECTOR END OF FILM Grab 'em! The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria. SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head. They are bundled into the black maria and the van drives off. The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss. INSPECTOR END OF FILM (picks up megaphone) All right! Clear off! Go on! A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do. INSPECTOR END OF FILM Move along. There's nothing to see! Keep moving! Suddenly he notices the cameras. As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the KNIGHTS huddled inside. INSPECTOR END OF FILM (to Camera) All right, put that away sonny. He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens. The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the screen. There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds. Suddenly jazzy music. Animated titles. (A new film completely free with the Monty Python film.) "THE CREDITS" Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate. THE END Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ... organ music continues as the audience leave. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cast list: GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED: KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD, THREE-HEADED KNIGHT JOHN CLEESE PLAYED: SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT, MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED: PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN (THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT) ERIC IDLE PLAYED: THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO -WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN, THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER), BROTHER MAYNARD NEIL INNES PLAYED: THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK TERRY JONES PLAYED: DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED: 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD, KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S ROOMATE CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED: THE WITCH CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED: ZOOT AND DINGO BEE DUFFELL PLAYED: OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!" JOHN YOUNG PLAYED: THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL RITA DAVIES PLAYED: THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR (HONESTLY)'S WIFE SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED: EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET AVRIL STEWART PLAYED: EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB Registerd Number 1138069 England August 5th, 1974. Dear Mike, The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's probale certificate. He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given some dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would increase the audience. (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14). For an 'A' we would have to: Lose as may shits as possible Take Jesus Christ out, if possible Loose "I fart in your general direction" Lose "the oral sex" Lose "oh, fuck off" Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles" I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on that basis. Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this. Yours sincerely, Mark Forstater.