FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
FADE IN: INT. HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT A party is winding down. Only a FEW GUESTS remain. They all are gathered around the piano. A YOUNG PRIEST, FATHER HARRIS, plays an old standard. Everyone sings along. A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's, conservative, really getting into the song, starts giving a soulful rendition, dropping to her knees ala James Brown. The song ends. Everyone cheers. Father Harris starts another. HARRIS Who knows this one?... (singing) "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!" They all join in. A YOUNG GIRL, MEGAN, enters the room. She watches the group. The group notices Megan and slowly stops singing. CLOSE ON: Megan. Her eyes seem vacant, almost like she is sleep walking. She mutters something. MEGAN You're going to die. The group looks confused. The young girl pees on the floor. CLOSE ON: A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's. She is the girl's MOTHER. The mother apologizes to her guests. MOTHER I'm sorry. She's been really sick. CLOSE ON: Megan. THWACK!! She is smacked on the head by a rolled newspaper. REVEAL: Mom holding the newspaper. She shoves Megan's head into the pee and rubs her nose in it as she continues to whack her with the newspaper. MOTHER (CONT'D) No! Bad girl! Bad girl! DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT The street is covered in thick fog. The only light is by a street lamp. A taxi pulls into the frame. It reads "YELLOW CAB." A TALL, DARK FIGURE gets out of the taxi. CAB DRIVER (V.O.) (V.O.) Hey you, pay your fare. The figure takes off, running into the fog. CAB DRIVER (CONT'D) God damn priests always pull this shit. Cab drives off. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS A doorbell RINGS. It plays the THEME to "THE EXORCIST." CLOSE ON: The mother answers the door. The dark figure lifts his head up, revealing that it's Father McFeely. FATHER MCFEELY Uh... I'm Father McFeely MOTHER Father, come in, please. Father McFeely enters. The mother closes the door behind him. MOTHER (CONT'D) I'm so glad you're here. FATHER MCFEELY I came as fast as I could, but at my age the little soldier needs a lot more thumpin before it starts pumpin. If I tickle my ass before... MOTHER It's okay. I understand. FATHER MCFEELY How is she? MOTHER (sadly) She's gotten worse, Father. She won't eat, she won't talk. The child won't even let me touch her. FATHER MCFEELY (reflecting) Yes... Sometimes you have to give them candy. The mother gives Father McFeely an odd look. They are interrupted by Father Harris. He extends his hand to McFeely. HARRIS Father. FATHER MCFEELY Not unless you have a paternity test to prove it. Harris looks confused. HARRIS No, I was sent by the church to assist you. My name is Father Harris. They shake hands. HARRIS (CONT'D) Would you like to see the girl? FATHER MCFEELY Soon. First, I must bless this house. McFeely walks to a room and opens the door. INT. ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Small bare walls. A window in the center wall. McFeely closes the door. He sits and opens a bible and begins to read. CLOSE ON: The window. Flies begin to appear. CLOSE ON: McFeely. He wipes sweat from his brow. BACK TO THE WINDOW: More flies. Their BUZZING is loud. McFeely, now sweating, profusely. He begins to cough. The window is now covered with flies. The BUZZING is deafening. McFeely, coughing and gagging. FATHER MCFEELY Lord, please help me to release this demon. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: He's on the toilet. He lets out a loud fart followed by plopping noises. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Thank you, Father. A DEMONIC VOICE is heard. DEMONIC VOICE (O.S.) (O.S.) Get out!!! You fuckin' pig!!! The room door swings open. McFeely tries to flush the toilet. It bubbles over with black goo ala "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR." He hustles out of the bathroom. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS McFeely staggers out. Father Harris rushes over. HARRIS Father, are you okay? FATHER MCFEELY Yeah, but you might wanna light a match before you go in there. (then) Did you bring my bag? HARRIS Yes. FATHER MCFEELY Then let us prepare. Both priests walk up the stairs. CUT TO: INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT McFeely and Harris enter. FATHER MCFEELY Remember, don't ask her too many questions. HARRIS Because she will lie? FATHER MCFEELY No, because her breath smells like a horse's ass. Megan lays tied to the bed post of her bed. Her face is cut up and twisted, eyes an eerie red. She's hooked up to an I.V. with a small tube running out of her nose. It's shaped like a CRAZY STRAW with red fluid going through it. The straw leads to a cup. "SLURPIE!" Megan is wheezing, heavily. She wears a tee-shirt that reads, "I went to Hell and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." They go to opposite sides of the room. Megan stares straight ahead. Father McFeely sees that next to Megan's bed are some get-well cards, flowers, balloons, and a teddy bear. He picks up one get-well card: It features a cheesy, happy cartoon dog saying: "Heard You Were Possessed By The Devil"... He flips the card open and reads the punch line: "He Picked One Hell Of A Nice Girl!" McFeely, shivering, his breath visible, takes the metal cross from his pocket and kisses it. But it's so cold in the room that his lips instantly stick to the metal. He struggles to pull his lips off the cross and finally manages to painfully tear it off his face. McFeely makes the sign of the cross to Megan. MEGAN Shove it up your ass. You worthless piece of shit! FATHER MCFEELY Silence!! FATHER MCFEELY TOSSES A MINT IN HER MOUTH. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Look, my child. We've come to help you. Harris looks at Megan. He sits down on a chair besides the window. MEGAN/DEMON Your mother's in here with us, Harris. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it. HARRIS If that's true, then you must know my mother's name. What is it? Megan keeps a sharp stare on Harris. Harris' smile turns to an angry stare. He rises and moves to her bedside. HARRIS (CONT'D) What is it? Megan leans forward. BLANCHHHH!!! She vomits a disgusting green bile in Harris' face. Harris wipes it off, coughing. HARRIS (CONT'D) That's right. Blanche was my mother's name. You are the devil. Harris tosses holy water on Megan. She falls back, writhing. FATHER MCFEELY It burns! It burns! CLOSE ON: McFeely, holding his crotch. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Damn Tijuana hooker. Harris and McFeely begin to pray. MCFEELY/HARRIS Our Father who art in Heaven... MEGAN Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Harris. Harris tries to ignore her. FATHER MCFEELY Oh shit, you gonna take that? HARRIS What? FATHER MCFEELY What she said about your mother? Harris fires back at Megan. HARRIS Oh, yeah, well your mama got one leg and does jumping jacks like this. He puts his feet together and jumps them from side to side as he claps his hands over his head. MEGAN So, your mama's so fat when she walks by my bed, it does this. Her bed bounces and bucks off the floor. HARRIS What about your mama? Her butt is so big, she wipes her ass like this. He makes an exaggerated movement of putting his hand behind his head then brings it up high and back down over his face. The exchange continues with the possessed girl getting the best of Harris. HARRIS (CONT'D) Enough! Begone from this child of God. I command you by the power of the living and the dead... Megan groaning, flicking her tongue wildly at McFeely. HARRIS (CONT'D) ... to leave the young servant so that she may return to her... McFeely responds back with the same gesture, then simulates her giving head, then starts wildly thrusting his pelvis, simulating sex. Megan falls back on her pillow and moans. Harris shoots McFeely a hard look. McFeely stops. Harris continues. HARRIS (CONT'D) In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I cast you out. McFeely, coughing, hardly able to catch his breath. Megan on the bed, laughing. Smoke billowing out of her mouth. Harris rushes to McFeely. HARRIS (CONT'D) Father, are you alright? McFeely nods yes, revealing he's smoking a joint. FATHER MCFEELY This is some good shit. He offers a hit to Harris. HARRIS No thanks. FATHER MCFEELY My holy water. Harris gives him the bottle. McFeely takes a swig. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Ahhh, that's better. McFeely splashes some on Harris, playfully. He clears his throat and starts again, taking turns splashing the booze on her and taking sips from it. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) The power of Christ compels you! He splashes her again, then takes a sip. She roars. Lights flicker. The scary, pale "DEATH HEAD" flashes over her again. But this time, it's picking its nose. The "DEATH HEAD" realizes it's seen and quickly pulls its finger from its nose, trying to look all scary again. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) The power of Christ compels you! He splashes more booze on her and takes a sip. By this time, Father McFeely is getting drunk. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) (slurring) The power of Chrishht compelshh yooo. He's stumbling around, splashing the walls. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) (slurring) Power of compelshh Chrishhts you, or something... Suddenly, the girl's straps break and she starts floating up. Harris watches in awe. A MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT passes a hoop over her. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) David Blaine, kiss my ass. The girl continues to float up into spinning blades out of the ceiling fan. WHACK! The blades slam into her head, sending her flying back down on to the bed. HARRIS Father, I think you should rest. FATHER MCFEELY No, I'm fine. He staggers over to the bed, kneels and starts to pray. Harris exits the room to retrieve his medical bag. He returns to find McFeely lying unconscious on the bed. Megan, sitting, quiet looks at McFeely. Harris rushes over to McFeely. HARRIS Father! Harris grabs McFeely and throws him down to the ground. McFeely's eyes open. FATHER MCFEELY I must have dozed off. Harris, caught up in the moment, is oblivious that McFeely is okay. He starts pounding violently on his chest. HARRIS No!!! Harris knee-drops McFeely. His efforts to revive McFeely resemble a WWF grudge match. Harris diving off of furniture, slamming down on McFeely. Finally, he checks his pulse. He thinks McFeely is dead. Harris shouts out at Megan. HARRIS (CONT'D) Look what you've done! Megan sits, quietly. Harris dives on top of Megan and starts choking her. HARRIS (CONT'D) Take me! Take me! NEW ANGLE: McFeely sits up, still drunk and disoriented. He notices Harris on the bed. MCFEELY'S POV: He sees Father Harris on his hands and knees. His robe is hiked above his waist exposing his naked ass. HARRIS (CONT'D) Take me! God damn you, take me! McFeely, now on his feet, smiles as he moves toward Harris. CLOSE ON: Harris' face. It turns to shock and horror. He looks possessed as we hear the sound of penetration. HARRIS (CONT'D) Nooooo!!!!! Harris dives out the window. McFeely watches as Harris tumbles down the long staircase. Megan begins to giggle. MEGAN You failed, McFeely. Your weapons are useless against me. FATHER MCFEELY You're mistaken my child. The Lord has greater weapons than me. McFeely picks up his bible. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) Hear the word of the Lord and be humbled! McFeely lifts up a crucifix. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) See the cross of the Lord and tremble! If ye still not have faith, then... McFeely reaches into his jacket and pulls out a .44 magnum. FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D) ... suck on this!!! Megan's eyes widen. BLAM!!! THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. SMASH CUT TO: TITLE CARD "SCARY MOVIE II" CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- DAY -- ESTABLISHING SHOT The campus is alive as STUDENTS make their way to class. CLOSE ON: A souped-up muscle car driving through the parking lot. CUT TO: INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS The driver, DWIGHT, a nerdy man between 25-30, glasses, thinning hair line. He drives recklessly, shouting at the people in his path as he honks his horn. DWIGHT Come on. Move it. A GUY ON CRUTCHES walks in front of the car. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Come on, peg legs. I aint got all day. Dwight whizzes past, causing the man to fall. Dwight notices a girl in a short skirt. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Hey, sweetie, ever heard of a gym? I've seen pool sticks bigger than those thighs. Dwight continues. He finds a parking space, whizzing before another car that has been waiting to take the space. Dwight yells at the irate motorist. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Sorry, but the fastest feet win. Dwight shuts off the engine, and opens the door before he exits. We see a wheelchair unfold. Dwight hops in. He is paralyzed from the waist down. His legs dangle, lifeless. On his feet, a new pair of Air Jordan sneakers. Dwight wheels around to his trunk. He pops it open and removes his briefcase and a Razor scooter. He places his feet on the scooter and rolls the wheelchair with his hands. Off he goes. CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS -- LATER In the middle of the campus quad, there is a distinguished statue of Thomas Jefferson. PAN DOWN TO REVEAL: A black woman slave and a bunch of nappy-headed black kids. A plaque reads: "Once you go black, you never go back"... Sitting on the base of the statue are CINDY and SHORTY. CINDY So, do you think you made it into the class? SHORTY I don't know, but I sure hope so. CINDY You could use the grade, huh? SHORTY Nah, I need a place to stay. So how do you like being in college? CINDY Okay, I guess. It's so intimidating. You know being away from home, not knowing anyone. I feel like such a geek sometimes. Everyone's so cool and I'm so not. SHORTY Aww, you aint that bad. You just need a little flava. First thing we gotta do is get you some new gear. CINDY Huh? SHORTY Gear. You know, clothing. CINDY Oh. SHORTY Let's start with some rhythm. Sway back and forth like this. Shorty demonstrates. Cindy begins to mimic, clumsily. SHORTY (CONT'D) Yeah, something like that. (then) Now, go left, right, left, right, crossover kick... Shorty demonstrates. Cindy follows. CINDY Left, right, left, right, crossover kick... SHORTY Now you gotta learn the correct slang. Shorty begins to demonstrate. CINDY Yo! That jacket is tight. SHORTY Yeah, now go uhn, uhn, uhn! CINDY Uhn! Uhn! Uhn! SHORTY Yeah, you feel that? Now put it all together. Cindy now completely rhythmic and soulful, executes the combination, just as a nicely dressed YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT passes by. CINDY Left... POW!!! Cindy connects with the student's jaw. CINDY POW!!! Another crunching blow. CINDY (CONT'D) Crossover kick... Cindy smashes her foot to the face of the student. The student falls to the ground. CINDY (CONT'D) Uhn! That jacket is tight. Now run that shit, bitch. The student nervously gives Cindy her nice leather jacket. Cindy slaps Shorty high-five. The student takes off running. Cindy puts on the jacket and poses in a gangster lean. CINDY (CONT'D) Am I cool now? SHORTY Almost... Look, I gotta bounce. I'll holla at you later. Cindy gives Shorty a hug. They go their separate ways. CUT TO: INT. MEN'S DORM -- RAY'S ROOM -- LATER RAY, and his roommate, TOMMY, are getting dressed. Their friend, BUDDY, waits impatiently. BUDDY Hey, man, you two boners aren't ready yet? We're gonna miss the bus, Ray. Coach says if our GPA drops below 2 we're off the squad. RAY Don't worry, we'll make it. Say, what do you guys think, tucked in or out? REVEAL: Ray, naked with his dick tucked between his legs, making it look like he has a vagina. BUDDY/TOMMY Out!!! RAY No doubt. That's what I thought. Ray and Tommy continue to get dresses. Buddy waits. BUDDY If you two hadn't been out partying last night, you'd be ready by now. TOMMY It was awesome, dudes. We got fucking wasted. I had like a whole keg. Dude, I was so shitfaced. I woke up naked in a tub of ice. RAY (laughing) I woke up naked, too. TOMMY Hey, dude, you got a tattoo. RAY What does it say? TOMMY It says, "Ray." RAY (checks Tommy's back) Sweet. Hey, you got a tattoo, too. TOMMY Get out?! What does it say? RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY Aww. Cool. Dude. They read each other's tattoos ala "Dude, Where's My Car?" TOMMY (CONT'D) "Ray!" RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY "Ray!" RAY "Fucked me." TOMMY/RAY "Ray fucked me." TOMMY Hey! RAY What? Buddy gives Tommy a wedgy. BUDDY Wedgy moment. TOMMY Totally got me, fuck. He tries to fix his underwear. BUDDY Come on, dude. We're gonna be late. Ray grabs his stuff. He and Buddy exit. RAY See you later, man. CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS -- DAY Cindy passes several activity booths. She notices a YOUNG PRETTY GIRL on the phone, obviously upset. Her name is ALEX. ALEX (into phone) That's it! I don't want to be treated like this anymore. It's over. Goodbye. Have a nice life. She hangs up the phone. Cindy approached. CINDY Are you okay? ALEX Yeah, I'm fine. I just broke up with my boyfriend, that's all. CINDY That's always tough. How long were you together? ALEX Well, we never made it official, so I guess we were technically never really boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was seeing him in school. I saw him at the mall about six months ago and I was too nervous to introduce myself so I followed him to his car, and jotted down the license plate number. It was registered to his mother, so I went to her house. She was so nice. I mean, she seemed like she would be nice 'cuz I never really spoke to her. I just waited til she went to work then I climbed in through her window and borrowed her phone book. I say borrowed because I'm going to give it back one day. But anyway, I called everyone in it til I found her son. He wasn't home when I called so I left this message how much in love I was with him. I was, and how I wanted to have his children. Just really opening up, and he never called back. I'd call and call, and anyway, six months and two restraining orders later I just decided I deserved better. What about you? Do you have a boyfriend? CINDY No, I haven't dated in a while. My last boyfriend's... Alex interrupts, totally uninterested in Cindy's story. ALEX Hey, look there. My friend Brenda. CLOSE ON: BRENDA is on the financial aid line, standing before the CASHIER. CASHIER Okay, here's your loan check. Your grant check. Your disability check. And oh, a block of government cheese. BRENDA Thanks. She steps out of line. We see behind her a HOMELESS MAN,a WELFARE MOTHER with KIDS, a CRACK ADDICT, etc. Cindy and Alex approach. ALEX Hey, Brenda. BRENDA Do I know you? ALEX Well, actually, we've never met officially, but I bumped into you at the cafeteria and you were so sweet. I said, "I'm sorry," and you said, "Watch it, white bitch, or I'll put my size eight in your ass." I thought how cool. I wear a size eight, too. Anyway, this is my best friend, Cindy. CINDY We already know each other. Hey, Brenda. BRENDA Hey, Cindy. Your friend needs help. CINDY Actually, I just met her. This is Alex. BRENDA Oh my god. Madam Elsa, my psychic, told me I would meet somebody whose name starts with a letter of the alphabet today. CINDY Really? That's amazing. BRENDA Hey girl, that jacket is slamming. CINDY Thanks. BRENDA You better be careful. I heard some girl got her ass whooped and jacket stolen earlier today. (off Cindy's look) Hey, what class do we have next? CINDY Psychology. ALEX Me, too. 101? BRENDA In room "302" at ten o'clock? ALEX That's it. BRENDA Oh, this is too much. I'm gonna have to play these numbers. Remind me to pick up a Lotto ticket. The girls take a few steps before Brenda grabs Cindy by the arm just as they're about to pass an iron post between them. BRENDA (CONT'D) Wait, don't split the pole. It's bad luck. Brenda walks around Cindy's side and they go on to class. ALEX You don't really believe that stuff. Just then, TWO OTHER STUDENTS split the pole on either side and are mowed down by a car. BRENDA Oh yes, girl. After my near-death experience, I've become very spiritual. I can feel my angels all around me, Oh, look a penny... Brenda picks up the penny. They walk past a fountain. BRENDA (CONT'D) That's good luck. Wait, let me make a wish and throw it in the fountain. (closing her eyes) I wish for a lot of money. She tosses the penny into the fountain. BRENDA (CONT'D) (opening her eyes) Oh, look, it worked. She reaches down in the fountain and grabs both hands full of coins. BRENDA (CONT'D) God is good, y'all EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A SHORT TIME LATER CUT TO: INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- CONTINUOUS A STUDENT walks up a flight of steps through a set of swinging doors. He sees Dwight coming towards the doors in his wheelchair. STUDENT There you go my man. DWIGHT Hey, pal, I can handle a door by myself. STUDENT Fine. The student let the doors go. They swing, smashing into Dwight, sending him flying. ANOTHER YOUNG STUDENT rushes to help. STUDENT #2 Are you okay? Let me help you to the handicapped ramp. DWIGHT I am not handicapped! I can use the steps like anyone else. Dwight wheels himself over to the stairs. He successfully navigates one step then goes tumbling violently down the rest. DWIGHT (CONT'D) That's one more than last week! INT. SCIENCE BUILDING - PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S OFFICE - A SHORT TIME LATER Dwight and PROFESSOR OLDMAN, 50's, distinguished, are present. DWIGHT I finished all the interviews. PROFESSOR Let me see the files. DWIGHT They're on top of the bookshelf. I'll get them. Dwight wheels himself over to a bookshelf. As he attempts to retrieve the folder, the professor moves to assist him. PROFESSOR Let me help you. DWIGHT I don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable. Dwight climbs the bookshelf, reaches the top, and lifts up the folder. Just then, the bookshelf topples over on top of Dwight. His hand extends from the mess, holding the folder. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Here you go, Professor. PROFESSOR Are these all the subjects? Dwight, disheveled, glasses bent, gets back in his wheelchair and makes his way over to the Professor. DWIGHT Yes. The scored all over the Kiersey Temperment Sorter just like you asked for. PROFESSOR Any of them hot? Dwight rolls his eyes. DWIGHT I also took the liberty of putting those with near-death experiences on top. PROFESSOR Good thinking, Dwight. Traumatized co-eds are a sure thing. DWIGHT (dripping with contempt) As I am sure you are aware, Professor, subjects who are close to death are statistically more likely to have the suggestibility required for paranormal investigation, which is, of course, why I've given them special consideration. PROFESSOR Look, whatever you say, kid, but the more they're hurtin', the more they need a squirtin', if you know what I mean. (then, off Cindy's picture) Ooh, I like her. DWIGHT Cindy Campbell. Classic abandoned personality disorder. She seems guarded, but willing to do this. PROFESSOR Willing? I like that. (then, off Ray's picture) And, this one? DWIGHT That's Ray Williams. I couldn't quite figure him out, but he seemed very eager and excited when we met. PROFESSOR What's this? Professor holds up another photo of Ray. In this one, he's got his shirt off and his thumbs hooked in his jeans' pockets. DWIGHT Oh, that's the picture he sent me after our interview. The Professor continues looking at the pictures and files of Shorty, Ray, Brenda, and Cindy. PROFESSOR Car accident, gun shot, multiple stabbings, a hook through the back... Where did you find these kids? DWIGHT They are the survivors of the Steveston County massacre. PROFESSOR Fantastic. These kids are exactly the kind of catalyst needed to awaken Hell House. DWIGHT How are we going to get them all up there? PROFESSOR I'll make it part of the class. We'll tell them they're participating in a study on sleep disorders. DWIGHT And what happens when all hell breaks loose? PROFESSOR We record and document it. We're gonna make history, Dwight. The first documented, unrefuted evidence of life after death. The book sales alone will be worth millions. I'll be rich, and you my friend, will have one hell of a thesis paper. Now, what time is orientation? DWIGHT In about fifteen minutes. PROFESSOR Remember, Dwight, not a word to anyone. CUT TO: INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER Buddy, Ray and a couple of other guys are horsing around. Smiling, Buddy, flicks a guy's ear. Slaps ANOTHER'S hat. They all take it good and naturally return the friendly abuse. BUDDY Whoa! Who laid one? RAY Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Buddy hits Ray in the chest. BUDDY Open chest. Ray returns. RAY Loose nuts. You better hide them. Ray stands grabbing the guy's crotch. Everyone stops laughing. RAY (CONT'D) What? You guys don't know this game? The girls walk past, interrupting the moment. BUDDY Dude, look out. Ray turns. He and Cindy collide. Her books fall to the ground. Ray, not recognizing her, bends down to help her with her things. Their eyes meet. They are both shocked to see each other. CINDY I'm sorry, I should have been watching where I... RAY It's okay. CINDY Oh, my God, Ray! What are you doing here? RAY It's the sequel. CINDY Oh, right. RAY Listen, no need for you to worry. All that stuff that happened before is behind us. Let's just try to move on. CINDY I am. So just do me a favor and stay away from me. Cindy storms into class. Brenda pushes through the guys. She sees Ray. Their eyes lock. RAY Hello Brenda. BRENDA Hello Ray. Though guarded, we can see they still have feelings for one another. Brenda hurries into the classroom. CUT TO: INT. PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS The Professor addresses the class: Cindy, Alex, Brenda, Shorty, Dwight, Ray, Buddy, and THEO. PROFESSOR Welcome everyone. I'm Professor Oldman. All of you have been carefully selected to be in this class. This course is very unique in that each semester my students take part in a bona fide study for which they receive an automatic grade of "A" upon completion. This semester's study is insomnia. All of you have some kind of sleep disorder that we will attempt to resolve or at least find the origin to. THEO, a striking looking woman who is drop-dead gorgeous, with a body to match, raises her hand. THEO (standing) Excuse me, but I don't have a sleep disorder. PROFESSOR It's okay. You have a "D-cup." You're in the right place. Theo sits. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) My assistant, Dwight, will be passing out directions to everyone. Dwight rolls over to the desk, picks up some papers, then rolls over to a few steps. CINDY Would you like me to help you pass them back? DWIGHT I don't need your help. Dwight tips over in the wheelchair and falls hard against the floor. Everyone is taken aback. Crawling, Dwight passes out the papers. Everyone reaches down to collect one from him. PROFESSOR You should arrive no later than 6PM tonight, and plan to be there until Monday. That's it for now. I'll see you all this evening. Class ends. Everyone exits. Buddy notices Cindy has left her book. He grabs it and goes after her. INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALL -- CONTINUOUS Buddy catches up to Cindy. BUDDY Hey, you left your book back there. CINDY Thanks. I'm Cindy. Buddy hands her the book. The cover reads "Dummies Guide to the Paranormal." BUDDY So, I see you're really into spooks. CINDY No. I never date outside my race. BUDDY I meant you're into ghosts. CINDY Oh, yeah. I'm just curious about that kind of stuff. BUDDY So it looks like we're going to be spending the weekend together. CINDY Yeah. BUDDY Maybe we can study together or something. CINDY I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem really nice, but I'm just getting over a really bad relationship, and I'm not ready to start dating yet. Buddy looks disappointed. CINDY (CONT'D) But, hey, maybe we can be friends. BUDDY (excited) Sure, that would be cool. Friends. CINDY (playfully) Okay. See you later, friend. She turns to walk away. Buddy notices the top of her panties, grabs and yanks them up. BUDDY Wedgy!!! Cindy hears the ripping sounds and feels the burn. She turns to see Buddy running away. BUDDY (CONT'D) Smell you later! Ha! Ha! Cindy smiles. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY A small car drives by. CUT TO: INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS Cindy, singing along with the radio. She sounds terrible. The song stops. V.O. RADIO Hey, will you shut the fuck up and let me sing?! Cindy, embarrassed, stops singing. The song starts up again. Cindy checks the address as she drives up. CUT TO: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- CONTINUOUS Cindy's car makes it's way up a long driveway. CUT TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy walks up carrying luggage. CLOSE ON: Door. Cindy grabs the knocker. REVEAL: The knocker is a set of balls hanging from a bronzed male figure on the door. She slams them hard against the door. No answer. She bangs the knocker again. Still no answer. She pushed against the door. It opens, slowly. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS Cindy enters, walking through the house. She makes herself at home, nosing into things she shouldn't and speaking in general to no one. CINDY Hello? She walks over to an answering machine and hits "play." ANSWERING MACHINE No new messages. CINDY Anybody home? She puts that down and moves a couple of pieces on a chess board. CINDY (CONT'D) Checkmate. Hello? She takes a bite off a half eaten sandwich and drinks the last of a glass of milk. CINDY (CONT'D) Hello? She deliberately knocks over a domino and sets off an elaborate carefully planned layout. CINDY (CONT'D) Is anybody here? She digs through the cushions of a chair and pockets some change. CINDY (CONT'D) I was told there'd be somebody here. She opens a couple of pieces of mail and reads it, then... CINDY (CONT'D) Hello? Your test results are in. Cindy continues walking through a swinging door and finds HANSON, a well-dressed man, middle-aged, with a short arm and a little hand. He's in the middle of preparing food. He holds a meat cleaver in his hand as he turns toward her. Cindy is startled. CINDY (CONT'D) Oh my God! I'm here with the... HANSON Yes, Professor Oldman's group. Forgive me. I didn't mean to frighten you. He puts down the cleaver, and moves his hand towards Cindy's face. HANSON (CONT'D) My aren't you a lovely child. Hanson strokes her face. Cindy fakes a strained smile. HANSON (CONT'D) (tapping her nose) And what is your name? Cindy, almost cross-eyed, watching his finger. CINDY I'm Cindy. HANSON (extending his hand) I'm Hanson the caretaker. Cindy reluctantly shakes his hand. HANSON (CONT'D) I'll show you to your room. Let me help you with that. He grabs the luggage. HANSON (CONT'D) Whoa, that's heavy. I better use my strong hand. He grabs the luggage with his little hand. The bag opens, spilling all of Cindy's items over the floor. HANSON. I'm so sorry. I'll get them. As Hanson retrieves the items with his little hand; a toothbrush, underwear, and other personal effects, Cindy looks on in horror. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- LATER A makeshift lab as been set-up with monitors and other high tech equipment. Dwight and the Professor discuss the project. Dwight is wearing a brand new pair of roller blades. DWIGHT I have taken care of everything, including medical supplies and blood storage. We want to be safe. PROFESSOR Right. What about condoms? DWIGHT Professor! PROFESSOR Hey, you're the one who brought up safety. I'm perfectly willing to go in raw. DWIGHT Would you please focus? PROFESSOR Fine. (then) What's all this stuff? DWIGHT Well, this measures the amount of thermal imbalance within a room down to the tiniest molecular disturbances. The Professor is distracted by a bank of monitors. PROFESSOR Are those cameras all throughout the house? DWIGHT Yes, I thought that it would be best. PROFESSOR Even in the bathroom? DWIGHT GESTURES TO A MONITOR PROFESSOR (CONT'D) So, if one of our little chickadees is taking a shower which one of these buttons do I press to get a close-up? DWIGHT (annoyed) That one. PROFESSOR After dinner, you and I will take shifts throughout the night. I don't want to chance miss anything. HANSON Excuse me, sir, but the students have started to arrive. Dinner will be ready shortly. DWIGHT Thanks, handyman. HANSON I'm the caretaker, not the handyman. (off Dwight's footwear) Nice skates. Be careful. You don't want to fall and break something. Hanson exits before Dwight can respond. PROFESSOR I'm going to change for dinner. I'll see you shortly. DWIGHT Sounds good. I'm just going to run up to my room. Hop in the shower. Jump into my jogging suit, and I'll be right there. The Professor exits. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT Cindy enters. Ray, Shorty, Professor, Dwight, Alex, Brenda and Buddy are all already gathered. CINDY (excitedly) Hi guys. GROUP (barely noticing Cindy) Hey. What's Up? Un huh. Theo enters the room. Everyone stares. THEO Hey guys! GROUP (excited) Hi Theo! BUDDY APPROACHES CINDY CINDY (smiling) Hi Buddy. BUDDY Open chest!!! Buddy punches her in the chest. Cindy goes flying. BUDDY (CONT'D) Gotta be quicker than that, "A-cup!" Cindy staggers to her feet. THEO Well, are you boys just gonna stand there with your mouths open, or is somebody gonna offer me a seat? Cindy sits just as Buddy unknowingly grabs the chair from under her to give to Theo. Cindy crashes to the floor. THEO Many chairs are pushed in front of her including Dwight's wheelchair. REVEAL: Dwight sitting on Ray's lap. DWIGHT (referring to his wheelchair) It's the best seat in the house. I warmed it up for you. RAY Second best. Theo sits next to the Professor. Cindy and Dwight reseat themselves. CINDY Professor, is this the same house that a young girl was possessed by a demon or something? PROFESSOR Yes, it was reported, but never substantiated. SHORTY Yeah, just like that charges regarding me and that blind Haitian girl. BRENDA Pass me the salt. Brenda tosses a handful of salt over her shoulder. It goes into Dwight's face. DWIGHT Hey, what are you doing? BRENDA Keepin' evil spirits away. And if that don't work I always got this. Brenda pulls out a gun and cocks it. PROFESSOR Not to worry. There's been no reported activity in the house for over twenty years. DWIGHT Let's not forget, folks, this is a study on sleep disorders. PROFESSOR Ah, yes, which reminds me, who here thinks they'd wake up if somebody snuck into their room and started sniffing between their legs? Hanson rolls in a cart filled with a variety of food, including a huge turkey. BUDDY Enough spooky stuff. Let's eat. BRENDA Well ain't we gonna bless this food first? ALEX Allow me... God is good, God is great, but not all the time. Sometimes he could be a real asshole, because it seems as though every time I try to establish a relationship with him, he never returns my calls. I've been praying for twenty-four years and I haven't heard his voice yet. Not one message on my answering machine. Your miracles don't impress me. It's your quality time I want. So, if you hear me, and I know you're up there, thanks for the food. It's the least you can do. In Jesus' name, don't let me get started on him, Amen. Alex looks up to see everyone staring in awe. HANSON Anyone care for appetizers? Everyone chimes in their request. Hanson removes the long napkin draped over his arm, revealing his short arm and little hand with its stubby fingers. He uses this hand to hold the tray of appetizers. He offers some to the Professor. HANSON (CONT'D) Finger food? Hanson walks around the table with the tray, offering. Everybody reaches to take one. They realize that the appetizers look creepily like Hanson's fingers. Cindy breaks the tension and reaches for a roll. CINDY How about these buns? RAY Yeah, they're so warm and soft. BUDDY Ray!!! Ray pulls his finger from Buddy's ass. POP! RAY Oh, my bad. HANSON Sure, I'll just set them down and you can help yourself. Everyone grabs a roll. Cindy takes a big bite. CINDY Ummm!! They smell delicious. HANSON Thanks. I made them by hand. Everyone drops their rolls. Cindy spits a mouthful into her napkin. HANSON (CONT'D) The potatoes are just about ready. Let me just go whip them up real good. He whips the potatoes. His knuckles dip into the bowl, covering them with potatoes. Hanson licks his knuckles. HANSON (CONT'D) Ah, that's good. Dig in. Hanson places the bowl on the table. HANSON (CONT'D) And now for the turkey. RAY Say, what do you say you let me do that? You just relax. You've done enough. HANSON Oh, nonsense. It's my pleasure. Hanson raises a large knife, then rests his little hand on the turkey to hold it steady. HANSON (CONT'D) You know, making a turkey is a real art. The trick is in the stuffing. A lot of people are afraid to get their hands dirty. Not me. When I stuff it, I like to get the whole hand up in there. And you know I use a secret ingredient in the stuffing... Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a crippled white glove on the box. Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues to tear up the turkey. HANSON (CONT'D) Who's first? Anyone like a wing? DWIGHT Yours, or the turkeys? HANSON I supposed you'd like a leg. How about two? DWIGHT That's it. I'm gonna put my food in your ass. I should warn you, I'm a black belt in karate. Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit lying on the floor with one leg up in a pose. HANSON You don't scare me. I was a Golden Gloves champion. Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on his little hand. PROFESSOR Relax, Dwight. (then) I got an idea. (to Hanson) Is there anything you didn't make? HANSON Well, the dessert. I ordered out. PROFESSOR Great. What do you say we just skip the heavy stuff and go straight to the dessert? HANSON Well, I guess if that's what you all wish. Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a large cream pie. Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone watches to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't. Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate. Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks his finger in the pie. BUDDY My germs! He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite Dwight sticks his finger in the pie. DWIGHT My germs! Ha, ha! Everyone laughs. The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when... Hanson shoves his finger in the pie. HANSON My germs! Ha, ha! Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the table. HANSON (CONT'D) (licking his fingers) Funny, I always win that game. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after dinner beverages. THEO She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys. THEO What can I get for you, boys? SHORTY Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach." THEO Professor? PROFESSOR Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm." THEO Ray, what do you want? RAY Balls on My Chin... (off their reactions) What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine, give me a "Mud Slide." Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping bottles of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between her legs. She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her back and starts spinning the bottles on her big tits! CINDY Professor, what's the history of this house? PROFESSOR I'm glad you asked. It actually makes for a pretty good bedtime story. The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted House." He sits in front of the fireplace. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Gather around. Everyone gathers around the fireplace. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) This house was built in 1898 by a man named Archibald Keaton as a gift to his wife, Cora. BRENDA Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora... Keaton... I am here to communicate... PROFESSOR No, they sold the house in 1920 to a millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth. BRENDA Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his evil presence. PROFESSOR No, he lost the house after the stock market crash. BRENDA But he could still be haunting the house. He's angry that he had to leave. PROFESSOR He's not dead, you idiot. He lives in Florida. Now, shut up and let me finish. Brenda, sheepishly, sits down. NEW ANGLE: GHOST'S POV of the group. It moves slowly towards them. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Anyway, the last owner was a very rich man who built his empire off the blood and sweat of the people in this town. He lived like a king until one day the servants of the house killed him. A log in the fireplace snaps, startling everyone. BRENDA I think there's more to the story. I can feel something evil in the house. It's all around. In the wall, the floor, this piano... She strums the wire keys. One snaps and smacks her in the head. BRENDA (CONT'D) Ouch!! CINDY Brenda, are you okay? Come sit. BRENDA No, you don't understand. It's here in these statues... She touches two statues, holding lights. They smash her in the head. She staggers over to a Cuckoo clock. BRENDA (CONT'D) This clock... The clock strikes twelve. The bird shoots out and pecks her in the face. She falls into a mirror. BRENDA (CONT'D) This mirror... Her own reflection punches her in the face. Brenda sails against the wall. She sees a collection of swords and knives displayed on the wall. BRENDA (CONT'D) These... The knives start to rumble. GROUP NO!!! BRENDA You're right. Not in the knives. She turns to see on the adjacent wall, antique guns. BRENDA (CONT'D) It's in the guns. BLAM! The gun fires. Brenda goes down. DWIGHT My God! Is she dead? PROFESSOR No, they're just powder burns, thank God. They were empty. Get her upstairs. ALEX Maybe this house is possessed. PROFESSOR No such thing. What you all witnessed was psychosomatic, purely self-induced reactions brought on by hysteria. Now I want everyone to get some rest. We will start our testing in the morning. CUT TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT The wind howls. Doors and windows rattle. A full moon shines overhead. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- NIGHT The Professor speaks into a tape recorder. PROFESSOR The group responded beyond expectation. Cindy and Brenda seemed most susceptible to the suggestion of horror. Brenda exhibiting both delusion and hysteria. Group fear should manifest itself and intensify as the night progresses. Dwight is reviewing the video tapes from earlier. He notices an image on the tape. DWIGHT Professor, I think you should see this. PROFESSOR What is it? Some tits? A beaver shot? What? DWIGHT No, these are the tapes from the living room. Check this out. Dwight rewinds the tape. We see Brenda being attacked. DWIGHT (CONT'D) The image there. PROFESSOR Are you sure it's not the tape? DWIGHT I don't think so. It's on all the cameras, and check this out. The thermal readings inside the house dropped ten degrees when the image was recorded. PROFESSOR Congratulations, Dwight, it's begun. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -- LATER Cindy walks past a bird cage. She notices the little bird is dead. CINDY Oh no, little bird. Cindy gently removes the bird from his cage. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy enters, lifts up the toilet seat, and is about to flush the little bird when Shorty walks in holding a cigar box. SHORTY Oh, my bad. He notices the bird. SHORTY (CONT'D) Aww, the little bird died. CINDY Yeah, I didn't know what else to do. SHORTY (looking at the cigar box) Hey, I got an idea. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER CLOSE ON: Open cigar box. We see little bones being tossed into the box. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Cindy and Shorty eating the fried bird. CINDY That was a great idea, Shorty. SHORTY I told you it would taste just like chicken. Cindy and Shorty finish eating, and toss the final bones in the box. Cindy closes the box, She notices something strange in the kitchen. NEW ANGLE: All the cabinet doors are open and the chairs are stacked on the table. CINDY: (to Shorty) Did you do that? SHORTY Uh, uh. CINDY You better go get Dwight and the Professor. Shorty exits. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty returns with the Professor and Dwight. Cindy finishes drawing something on the floor. PROFESSOR Alright, Cindy, what's so important? CINDY Professor, you guys gotta see this. Dwight, come here. Cindy grabs Dwight's chair, places him in a circle on the floor. In front of the circle are arrows pointing to the wall. DWIGHT What the hell are you doing? CINDY Just wait, you'll see. A BEAT Dwight's chair moves by itself, slamming Dwight head first into the wall. CINDY (CONT'D) (excited) Yippie! Wasn't that amazing? PROFESSOR It's some kind of energy field. We better record this. CINDY Got my camera right here. Professor grabs Dwight's chair. Dwight is still dazed as he is placed back in the circle. Again, his chair flies forward, slamming him into the wall. CINDY (CONT'D) I got it! PROFESSOR That's fantastic. Our first phenomenon. This is going to be a great weekend. You guys better get some sleep. Dwight and I will take over from here. CUT TO: INT. DARK HALLWAY -- LATER GHOST POV: It moves through the hallway to Theo's room. INT. THEO'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Ghost CAM finds Theo sitting at the vanity table removing her makeup. Theo senses something. She looks around. THEO Hello, hello? She shrugs and continues to remove her make-up. Theo notices a pimple. THEO (CONT'D) Damn. SPLAT!!! Goo hits the mirror as she pops the pimple. GHOST'S REACTION. Theo reaches for a brush. As she looks down the mirror is tipped-up by the ghost. She doesn't notice. Theo looks up and notices something else. There's a booger in her nose. THEO (CONT'D) Oh, my. How long has that been there? She picks her nose and flicks the booger. The booger lands on the ghost. We see it shaking wildly as the ghost tries to get it off. Theo lifts her foot up and cracks her toes. She examines her feet. THEO (CONT'D) Oh, I need a pedicure. She looks on the table for something. THEO (CONT'D) Shit, forgot my clippers. Aw, fuck it. She raises her foot to her mouth and bites her toenail. GHOST (V.O.) (V.O.) Ugh. THEO Huh? Who said that? Theo gets up and locks her door. Not knowing the ghost is behind her, she turns and faces him. GHOST POV: Theo unhooks her bra. CLOSE ON: The bra. As it hits the floor we see two false breasts fall out. REVEAL: Theo's real breasts are saggy. Theo scratches her breasts under, on top, and around the nipples until she's satisfied. THEO (CONT'D) Ahhh, that's better. She walks past the ghost still scratching, this time under her arm. THEO (CONT'D) Whew, not fresh are we? By now, the ghost is ready to give up. From his POV we see he doesn't follow Theo. Theo bends over to get something out of her bag. GHOST POV: Theo's perfect ass. He makes his move. The Ghost CAMERA moves in on Theo's ass. Just as he's about to attack, Theo farts, loudly, releasing a translucent green gas that makes the ghost sickened face visible for an instant. The Ghost, waving in front of his nose. THEO (CONT'D) Whew. I was holding that one in all day. She stands and turns. We see she's holding a box of tampons. That's it. The ghost takes off running, slamming the door behind him. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT Cindy is walking to her bedroom. Suddenly, she hears someone whispering her name. VOICE Cindy... Cindy Cindy. She stops and listens. VOICE (CONT'D) Cindy... Cindy... CINDY Who is it? Who are you? VOICE Help us Cindy. Help us. CINDY Help you how? VOICE Check the music room. The voice disappears. CINDY Where are you? NEW ANGLE: Buddy, walking down the hallway, tossing a football in the air, sees Cindy. BUDDY Hey Cindy. She turns. BUDDY (CONT'D) Think fast. Buddy fires the football. BONK!!! The ball beans Cindy right in the head. She goes down. Buddy approaches. BUDDY (CONT'D) Dude, you suck. Cindy staggers to her feet. CINDY You know, Buddy, about this friendship thing... BUDDY Yeah, it's great, isn't it. I think it's so cool... have a girl as a friend. CINDY That's just it, Buddy. I'm a girl. You can't be so rough with me. BUDDY Then what kinda stuff can we do? CINDY Gentle stuff like talking, sharing thoughts and ideas, secrets and past experiences. Stuff like that, you know. BUDDY It sounds gay, but guess since you're a girl it's okay, huh? CINDY Yeah, it will be fine. I wanna check something out. CINDY (CONT'D) Will you come with me? BUDDY (sweetly) Sure. We can practice talking. CINDY (smiling) Okay. INT. MUSIC ROOM -- SHORT TIME LATER Cindy and Buddy enter. Buddy's in the middle of a story. BUDDY So, this hot Spanish chick is licking my balls and I'm fingerbanging her, right, just then... CINDY, ANNOYED CINDY Buddy... BUDDY Wait, I'm just about to tell you the best part. Cindy notices something on the floor. CINDY Oh my God. Look. Bloodied footprints. BUDDY Dude, somebody's on the rag. CINDY Shhh! Buddy and Cindy follow the footsteps. They lead to a secret passage. Cindy opens it to REVEAL a secret room. CUT TO: INT. SECRET STUDY -- CONTINUOUS It's an old, dark creepy study. Shelves of dust covered with books, several paintings on the wall, an old wooden desk. CINDY It must be a private study, or something. Cindy finds an old newspaper. Headline: "Servants Kill Hugh Kane." There's a picture of HUGH KANE and an article on the killing. CINDY (CONT'D) There's more to the story of this house than the Professor told us. It says here that Hugh Kane had a wife who died mysteriously a week before the servants killed him. Buddy looks at the painting on the wall. He wipes away the dust exposing the face. The painting is of a woman. It looks like Cindy. She's wearing a pendant around her neck. BUDDY Whoa, check this out. She looks like you. CINDY Wow, she's beautiful. You really think she looks like me? BUDDY Her hair doesn't have as many split ends at yours. Her skin isn't as oily as yours, either. Also, sometimes your eyes get kinda squinty and they look like you might have Down's Syndrome or something. Otherwise the resemblance is uncanny. Cindy is feeling terrible about herself now. For a moment we think the criticism is done. BUDDY (CONT'D) Oh yeah... another difference is she looks more sophisticated and classy. More feminine. And her tits are perfect. Not pointy and funny looking, or spaced too far apart... CINDY (annoyed) Alright! Cindy finds a small chest, ornately decorated. The name "Carolyn" inscribed on it. CINDY (CONT'D) Buddy, look at this. I think it belonged to her. Suddenly, a loud noise. Cindy and Buddy nearly jump out of their skin. REVEAL: A BLACK CAT. BUDDY Come on, let's get out of here. This place is giving me the creeps. Cindy grabs the chest and they exit. INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The room is dark. The only light is the moonlight. Brenda stirs in bed. Ray is next to her. RAY Shhh... It's okay. BRENDA Ray, have you been here all this time? RAY I just wanted to make sure you were okay. BRENDA I'm fine. Just a few bruises. RAY So, I guess I can go now. BRENDA No, stay. RAY You sure? BRENDA Yeah, I think I'll feel better sleeping in the arms of a strong man. RAY Yeah, me too. Brenda gives a confused look. BRENDA I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be right back. Brenda exits. Ray sits on the bed for a moment. He notices a clown doll sitting in a rocking chair across the room. The moonlight gives the clown face an eerie glow. Ray takes off his shirt and tosses it at the clown, covering its face an causing the chair to rock. Ray gets down and does a few push-ups. CLOSE ON: The door. A fog-like mist comes into the room. Ray feels a chill and checks the thermostat. RAY Damn, it's cold. Ray goes to retrieve his shirt. He notices the clown is gone. Ray looks around and doesn't see the clown doll anywhere. Suddenly, a rustling noise comes from under the bed. Ray's breathing, quickens. He knows where he must now look. Ray slowly lowers himself head first to the floor of the bed, in preparation to look under it. He very, very carefully lifts the dust ruffle and lets the top of his head touch the rug. Ray is upside-down as he looks into the darkness under his bed. Under the bed. The clown is there, face to face with him, smiling sardonically. In the split-second it takes for a child to draw a breath and let it out through the vocal chords, the clown wraps its five foot extension arms around Ray's neck, cutting off half his air. WIDE ANGLE HIGH. Struggling now for his life, Ray is dragged helplessly under the bed and out of sight. Under the bed we hear a struggle, followed by the evil laugh of the clown. CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) Oh, you want to play! We hear more struggling. CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) Hey, stop that? Homey don't play that. The clown attempts to climb from under the bed, only to be dragged back under by Ray. Now we hear Ray laughing, maniacally. RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.) No! No! Noooooo!!! INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Brenda enters to find Ray out of breath, and buckling his pants. BRENDA Are you okay? I thought I heard screaming. RAY Oh, I'm fine... just clowning around. ANGLE ON: The clown doll. His pants are down by his ankles. His head turns to the camera. His smile is gone, replaced by a frown. A single tear is running down his face. INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The window blows open. Curtains flutter in the wind. Alex sleeping. Her head back, her mouth open. She snores, lightly, unaware of the presence in the room. A breeze brushes past her causing her hair to move. Alex remains asleep. CLOSE ON: ALEX The ghost pulls up her t-shirt to reveal a pair of perfect breasts. Her breasts get squeezed at the base, and bulge out like water balloons, but she still doesn't wake up. The GHOST continues kissing her neck. Alex moans, still sleeping. CLOSE ON: ALEX'S FACE: Her mouth opens wider. We see a growing indentation in her cheek as if something is going in and out of her mouth. Suddenly, Alex's eyes open. She sits up and tries to speak. ALEX Mmph! Mmph! The back of her head stretches to the shape of a penis. Alex struggles with the force, finally breaking free. ALEX (CONT'D) Somebody help! Help! The ghost pins her to the bed and attacks her. Throwing her arms over her head, Alex screams. ALEX (CONT'D) (startled) Ah! Then throwing her legs behind her head, she screams again. ALEX (CONT'D) Oh! Okay. The ghost starts fucking Alex. He's very rough and dominate. ALEX (CONT'D) (intrigued) Oh, my God. Yes! Yes! The ghost drags her up the wall and over a portrait of a solemn looking man. Then Alex's butt slides over his face and the man is now smiling. The ghost drags her across the ceiling and crashes her head into the light fixture. The sexual Olympics continue as she spider-walks down the wall and is dragged across the floor, smoke comes up from beneath her. ALEX (CONT'D) Oooh. Oooh. Rug burn. Rug burn. The ghost gets Alex back to the bed and flips her over to reveal tire skid marks down her back. Still the sexcapades continue. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS The bedroom window is totally fogged over when Alex's hand hits it and slides down the glass ala TITANIC. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun. Alex lays disheveled on the bed. ALEX (desperate) Call me. The door slams. Alex lights a cigarette. INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is startled by the sound of the door creaking open. CINDY (nervous) Who's there? The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief. CINDY (CONT'D) Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin' girl? The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his claw out with the gesture. CINDY (CONT'D) Huh? Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her throat. Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet. The cat lands and pounces right back. Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it crashing into a table which smashes into pieces. Cindy and the cat circle each other. The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding the jagged side out towards Cindy. The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning her down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into Cindy's face. Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth gritting with effort. Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now looks worried. Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat. The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself. Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and throws some of the sand in Cindy's eyes. The cat then picks up a chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on her back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But Cindy manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder. Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door. REVEAL: His eye peeking through the keyhole. Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob. CINDY (screaming) Somebody help me! Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn. CINDY (CONT'D) Here, kitty, kitty. Look... Cindy plays with the yarn. The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn. CINDY (CONT'D) Go get it. Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The cat leaps after it, falling to its death. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn. Theo rushes to her. THEO Are you okay? CINDY I think so. THEO Come on. We better get you cleaned up. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT -- SHORT TIME LATER Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of tea. CINDY I'm telling you, it was possessed. PROFESSOR Theo, did you see the animal? THEO No, I just heard the commotion, and when I got there I guess it was gone. CINDY What, you think I did this to myself? PROFESSOR No, I'm just saying cats are known to be very territorial animals, and it is likely it did attack, but it doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe the two of you should sleep together. CINDY What are you getting at, Professor? PROFESSOR Only that if this cat did attack, he's less likely to come back if the two of you were, let's say, together. Come on, it's college. Time for you two to experiment. THEO Cindy, I don't think we're going to get any help here. PROFESSOR Actually, I'd be more than willing to walk you through it. THEO Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're tucked in. Theo and Cindy rise to exit. PROFESSOR Good idea, and don't forget to give her a good-night kiss. CINDY There's something going on in this house. I'm not crazy. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo. THEO Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door if you need me. CINDY Thanks, I'll be fine. Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a picture has fallen off the night stand. Cindy places it back on the nightstand. Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key hidden in the frame. Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea. Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study form beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and turns it. The chest opens. Cindy finds several items. Pictures of Carolyn. A diary. An old fashioned dildo. The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos. Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant around her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have a strange look. She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom door. DISSOLVE TO: INT. KITCHEN -- LATER THAT NIGHT The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking for a snack. He grabs an apple. REVEAL: Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer." CINDY Hello, Professor. HE SMILES PROFESSOR Hello, Cindy She shakes her head. CINDY Forbidden fruit. She takes the apple. CINDY (CONT'D) Got a problem with that? PROFESSOR Yeah, bitch, give me my apple. What's gotten into you? He snatches the apple back. Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and picks up a banana. Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes, she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red, gagging and coughing. CINDY Gock--gock--gock... Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor. Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing her seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts licking it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in her mouth, again simulating a blow job. ANGLE ON: THE PROFESSOR He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again. PROFESSOR Ooo, yes. ANGLE ON: CINDY She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving that in her mouth--stretching out her mouth and face, insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth. ANGLE ON: THE PROFESSOR PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ohh...mmm... Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle between her legs. The Professor watches, seductively. Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A strong gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out the candle. The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers and the Professor back. CINDY There. That's better. Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the desk stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie, choking him as she pulls him up onto the table. PROFESSOR I take it you're not mad at me. CINDY I wouldn't go that far. She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures. He quickly pops them back into his mouth. Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples for a man. Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult diaper underneath. She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him. PROFESSOR I don't like this, this... CINDY (pinning him down) Why don't you shut up, Professor? Just relax. Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She feels something then stops and stares deeply into the Professor's eyes. CINDY (CONT'D) I think she's starting to suspect something? PROFESSOR (Confused) Who? Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE. RAY Your wife! The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of the room. ANGLE ON: Cindy's face as it morphs back. CINDY Oh, my God. It happened right here. She came home. She saw them. PROFESSOR Saw who?! CINDY Don't touch me!! Cindy passes out. Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his ankles, and Cindy unconscious on the floor. DWIGHT What the hell?! PROFESSOR It's not what is looks like. She's having a breakdown. Help me get her to her room. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. HELL HOUSE -- THE NEXT DAY Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House. The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor duck behind a door. Buddy investigates, following the Professor. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the corner, keeping the Professor in sight. Buddy sees the Professor enter the lab. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS DWIGHT Professor, we need to talk. PROFESSOR What is it, Dwight? DWIGHT I think we should consider cutting the experiment short. PROFESSOR What? DWIGHT The force in this house is far greater than I anticipated. In one night I recorded cold spots, shifting magnetic fields, the E.U.P. is picking up white sounds everywhere. PROFESSOR That's why we came here, remember? DWIGHT Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This poltergeist is becoming increasingly more violent. We all could be in danger. I say we pull the plug. PROFESSOR Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull the plug. Get a hold of yourself. Dwight, we're on the verge of greatness and I'm about this close to getting laid. Now, the bus will be here on Monday. Until then no one leaves. CLOSE ON: BUDDY He's been listening to everything. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Now, here are the keys to the gate and the cell phone. No one gets access to either, understand? Dwight nods yes. CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size. It's as tall as a tree. Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed. He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake him at "C.P. Time." Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his pillow. Finally, he closes his eyes. Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and creaking floors. SHORTY I can't sleep like this. He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and pushes the play button. The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN screaming are heard. WOMAN (V.O.) (V.O.) They done killed my baby! Why Lord?! Why? SHORTY Ah, that's better. Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns. SHORTY (CONT'D) I know what I need. Shorty finds a joint and lights up. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try summoning the ghost. ALEX (moving the arrow along the board) Hello?... Ghost?...Baby, are you there?...I've been waiting on you for almost ten minutes now! Where are you? CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson" volleyball. The rest of this scene to come. CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth. ALEX Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of the night, I beseech thee. Still no response. ALEX (CONT'D) (pissed) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! She begins to tear up the room. Smashing lamps and vases against the wall. Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot. Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands. CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide with fear. Every sound makes him jump. Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to rain. SHORTY Ahhh!!!!!! Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking for the volleyball. SHORTY (CONT'D) Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet. MUSIC CUE: THE SOUNDTRACK FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY" PLAYS. Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and off. She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning illuminates the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape. Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball. SHORTY One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty. Shorty screams. Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter. They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers rolling Shorty into a human joint. They all rush to help him. CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal. CAROLYN (V.O.) (V.O.) Tonight, Hugh and I made love for the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk about little. I can't take living with him any longer. He's becoming a monster. Darkness is all around us. Poor Hanson died today; burned alive in the furnace. They say it was an accident, but... Cindy closes the journal. CINDY Oh, my God! Suddenly, her door slams. CLOSE ON: Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door slams shut. A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the closet. Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for help. CINDY (CONT'D) Help! somebody help! CUT TO: INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint, lightning the tip on fire. SHORTY Help! Help! He's trying to smoke me, son! Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night. Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of Cindy screaming. BRENDA Oh my God, Cindy! CUT TO: INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy clings for deal life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles. ALEX You cheating son of a bitch! Touch her and I'll make sure that's the last piece of possession you have. (ALTERNATE) You son of a bitch! Oh, what you gonna play like this? I know you didn't do that! The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed. ALEX (CONT'D) What, one woman isn't enough for you? Must you channel every girl in this house? How would you like it if I fucked another ghost, huh? Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door. ALEX (CONT'D) Where do you think you're going? This isn't finished. That's just like you, every time things get serious you disappear. The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream after him. ALEX (CONT'D) Don't forget! I know where you rot! (then to herself) Selfish bastard. All you entities are the same. ENTER BUDDY AND DWIGHT BUDDY What happened here? ALEX Ask your poltergeist stealing whore! Alex storms out. DWIGHT She's in shock. We have to get her in a tub of water. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and splashes some in her face. Dwight checks her pulse. DWIGHT She's okay. She won't be able to move for awhile. Her body has to recover from the trauma. Just leave her here. Buddy and Dwight exit. CLOSE ON: The tub faucet still running. CLOSE ON: The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with water. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses her face. The bath water is rising above her chest. CLOSE ON: Cindy's hand. She can barely move a finger. CLOSE ON: (CONT'D) Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over to the chain holding the plug. The bath water is now at Cindy's mouth. Cindy lifts the chain with her foot, then slams down her heel up-ending the drain plug. Relief...until she realizes the water is still rising. Her foot digs down the drain and pulls out a clump of hair. Water at her eyes and still rising. Her foot hops out of the tub and grabs a plunger. The foot plunges the drain. Still nothing. Water rising. Cindy, head tipped back. All we see is nostrils. Water spills out of the tub and onto the floor. Cindy's foot grabs a pen and paper, writes a note, stuff it in a bottle, and then tosses the bottle into the spilled water. The bottle floats away. CUT TO: INT. FOYER - (OR WHATEVER ROOM EASIEST TO DO THIS GAG) -- Water pours in the room around the group's feet. RAY I say we leave now. Everyone agrees. BRENDA Wait. I'm sensing someone else in danger. CRASH!!! A bottle smashes across Brenda's head. SHORTY (holding a broken bottle) Don't start that shit again! The note falls out of the bottle. ALEX Look, a note. BUDDY (reading note) "Help, I'm drowning - Cindy." GROUP Cindy!!! They all rush to the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cindy, totally submerged, staring fare to face with a whale. Suddenly, she is lifted out of the tub. BUDDY You okay? Cindy nods "yes." BUDDY (CONT'D) Now we got everybody. Let's get out of here. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- A SHORT TIME LATER ALEX She sings a happy tune as she cooks breakfast. Cindy, Ray, Theo, and Brenda gather around the island. Shorty enters. SHORTY Damn, it smells good. He reaches for a piece of bacon. Alex slaps his hand. ALEX That's for someone special. SHORTY I'm glad somebody got laid. Alex smiles. ALEX I never kiss and tell. ANGLE ON: THE ISLAND Shorty joins the group. (Note: During this scene, no one is paying attention to Alex) SHORTY Yo, there's some freaky shit in this house. Y'all hear that loud banging and screaming? ALEX (giggles) Sorry about that. CINDY Brenda was right. There's more to the story than the Professor told us. I found a secret room. It had all these news clippings about Hugh Kane. He was a very evil man. ALEX (talking to the sky) Ah, they just don't know you the way I do. CINDY I found a picture of his wife. ALEX Wife?! Alex grabs the plates of food and throws them in the trash. ALEX (CONT'D) Let that bitch make you breakfast. Cindy passes the picture to Theo. THEO Wow! She looks just like you... except she doesn't have as many split ends as you and her skin isn't as oily. Theo passes the picture to Ray. RAY Yeah, and sometimes your eyes get all squinty and it looks like you got Down's Syndrome. Brenda takes the picture from Ray. BRENDA Yeah, girl, damn near twins... except she's more sophisticated and classy. You got that cute, trailer park look. Brenda shows the picture to Shorty. SHORTY No doubt... and her tits are perfect, not at all pointy or funny looking. You got them National Geographic orangutan titties. Cindy snatches the picture back. CINDY Okay, I get the point. THEO So, whatever happened to her? CINDY She killed herself a week before he died. ALEX Oh, he was a widower. Why didn't you say that?... (addressing the sky) Don't worry, sweetie, I can whip up a new batch in a flash. CINDY I think he wants me. ALEX Ha! Right bitch! Everyone looks at Alex. THEO Cindy, that does sound a little crazy. Buddy enters. BUDDY She's not crazy. I saw the picture, and I'll tell you guys something else, the Professor is up to something. Him and Dwight got a whole lab set up in the basement. We're here for an experiment, alright, but it ain't insomnia. I heard Dwight tell the Professor there's a poltergeist in this house and we could be in danger. THEO What? I'm getting outta here. BUDDY We can't leave. The gates are locked and Dwight is the only one with the keys. THEO Don't worry. Give me five minutes alone with Dwight. I'll get the keys. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- LATER Dwight, working on equipment, is distracted. Theo, standing in the doorway, dressed very sexy. THEO Hello Dwight. DWIGHT Hi. Theo swaggers over to Dwight. THEO What are you working on? DWIGHT Just a little experiment. Theo rubs his shoulders. THEO Work, work, work. Is that all that you do? DWIGHT Well, there's a lot riding on this project. Theo straddles Dwight. THEO The Professor might have everyone else fooled, but I know who the real brains of the operation is. DWIGHT You do. THEO That's what turns me on about you, Dwight. You're so smart. DWIGHT And sexy. THEO Of course. So sexy. She runs her fingers through his hair. THEO (CONT'D) Ooh, you hair is so soft and silky. What do you use on it? DWIGHT Just a little Rogaine. Theo notices clumps of Dwight's hair has fallen out into her hands. She wipes it on his shirt. THEO And those sexy eyes. She removes Dwight's glasses. CLOSE ON: Dwight's eyes, both looking in different directions. He has no muscle control. Theo quickly puts on his glasses. THEO What do you say we put on some music? Theo turns on the radio. She turns to a station. SONG ONE "WALK ON BY..." She quickly changes the station. SONG TWO "WALK THIS WAAAY!..." Again, she changes the station. SONG THREE "THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING..." Theo turns off the radio. THEO (CONT'D) What do you say we make our own music? She kneels in front of Dwight stroking his thighs. THEO (CONT'D) You know, Dwight, I hear you're the only one who has the key to the gate. DWIGHT That's right. THEO What if I wanted to borrow those keys? DWIGHT Oh, I couldn't do that. Theo unbuttons Dwight's pants. THEO Sure you can, baby. Look, you help by giving me the keys, and I'll help by giving you... She pulls his dick out and is about to give him a blow job. DWIGHT I don't need your help. I can do it myself. Dwight starts sucking his own dick. Theo looks on in shock. Dwight is going to town on himself. Theo grabs an object and smashes Dwight in the head, knocking him out cold. She rifles through his pockets and takes the keys. She exits. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER The group is gathered in the living room. Shorty watches TV. Theo rushes back to the group. THEO (dangling keys) I got 'em. BUDDY Great! We should leave before it starts to rain. Suddenly, lightning and thunder. Rain pours against the window. THEO I say we wait till the rain lets up, then we make a break for it. ANGLE ON: NEWSCASTER on TV. NEWSCASTER This just in... Heavy rains will continue to plaque the region for the next two days. BRENDA We'll just call a taxi. NEWSCASTER Now, an update on the recent taxi strike. No progress in sight. CINDY Hey, we can take my car. NEWSCASTER There's been a major recall on all Japanese made cars. Auto makers warn when exposed to rain the cars explode. LOUD BOOM and FIREBALL out window. RAY Fuck it. We'll hike if we have to. NEWSCASTER The bodies of six hikers were found today torn to shreds by wild animals. SHORTY I know, we can build a plane and fly outta here. NEWSCASTER Now, that's just fucking stupid. BUDDY SHUTS OFF THE TV BUDDY Alright then, we'll just hunker down for tonight. Maybe we'll get a break by morning. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS The Professor enters and finds Dwight with his head in his lap. PROFESSOR Dwight, what the hell are you doing? Dwight? No answer. The professor lifts Dwight's head and sees what he was doing. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Now that's a talent. Dwight, wake up. Dwight slowly comes to. DWIGHT (groggy) I can do it myself. PROFESSOR Yeah, I can see that. Later I want you to teach me that trick, but right now we have a job to do. DWIGHT The keys. She took the keys. The Professor notices Buddy on the monitor, unplugging the cameras. PROFESSOR Shit. They're onto us. Keep an eye on them. I'll take care of this little shit. The Professor exits. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Buddy climbs down off a chair and joins Ray. BUDDY I think we got the one's up here. RAY I think it's time we had a little talk with the Professor. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT -- MOMENTS LATER The Professor exits the lab and heads for the stairs. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of a beautiful female ghost in flowing white robes. She illuminates a brilliant white light. PROFESSOR Hello?... Have we met?... Hi... The ghost lures the Professor down the corridor. NEW ANGLE: We are in a different section of the hallway. The Professor continues to follow the ghost. He has a bit of trouble keeping up. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) (calling after) Ummmm... Hello?... Umm... The Professor follows into yet another area of hallway. NEW ANGLE: The ghost temps the Professor into a pitch black corridor. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ummm... Are you Mrs. Hanson? (ALTERNATE) Ummm... Who are you, you gorgeous creature? The Professor disappears into the darkness. He takes out a lighter to illuminate his way. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Hello?... Hello? Are you hiding? (ALTERNATE) Where are you, sexy pants? A horrific look crosses the Professor's face. The beautiful spirit morphs into Hugh Kane's Ghost. The Professor takes a beat. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) (resigned) What the hell? I've done worse. The Professor walks into the darkness. (REST OF SCENE TO COME) CUT TO: INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Alex sits in front of her vanity mirror, wearing a sexy robe and nightgown. She brushes her hair, humming to herself happily, full of anticipation. She takes her perfume - "Obsession" - and dabs some on her neck, behind her ears, inside her thighs. Then she puts the bottle to her mouth and - glug, glug, glug - drinks the whole thing down like Gatorade. Alex applies hot wax to a waxing strip then to her legs, tearing it off. Satisfied her legs are smooth, she does her underarm. She then applies a wax-soaked strip between her legs then tears it off. ALEX Ouch! She checks the strip to reveal her pussy lips stuck to the strip. ALEX (CONT'D) Oops. She puts them back between her legs. She rises and walks over to the old 19th century-style portrait of the supposed ghost, which once hung prominently downstairs. It now sits propped up in a corner of her room with a shrine set up all around it consisting of candles, little "I love you" hearts, and her vibrator. Alex walks over to the portrait, regards it lovingly for a moment, and then kisses the figure sweetly on the lips. Then she works her way down the portrait -- hungrily kissing, nibbling, and licking. When she pulls back, seductively, the cobwebs, dust and spiders that were clinging to the portrait are now all over her face. She doesn't care, she simply brushes them aside -- she's in love. CLOSE ON: RADIO D.J. (O.S.) (O.S.) This one goes out to that someone special from Alex over at the Hell House. She says that even though you two have only known each other for a short time now, she feels a certain connection to you that she's never felt with any man alive. And even if it doesn't work out between you two, she wants you to know that there will always be a special place for you in the heart. So, Poltergeist, this one's for you. Alex climbs into bed and spreads rose petals all around. Everything's ready. She sits back and waits. While she waits, she puts the time to good use by doing some sexual calisthenics. She lies flat on her back, sticks her legs in the air, and stretches them wide apart a few times. One-two-three-, one-two-three. Then she gets on all fours and does a few stick -your-ass-high-in-the-air stretches. One-two-three. Then she does the simulated oral sex gesture, first with the right hand, then with the left, making sure her forearms are nice and loose. One-two-three, one-two-three. A few facial and mouth exercises and she's done. ALEX Well, I'm going to sleep now. So, if there's some ghostly man out there who wants to take advantage of me, there's probably nothing that I will be able to do about it because I'm really a heavy sleeper! Okay, here I go. Alex gets under the covers and pretends to fall asleep. A beat and Alex opens her eyes and looks around. ALEX (CONT'D) I'm asleep now. I really am. She closes her eyes. A count of ten and she sits up. CUT TO: INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER Just as the GANG is about to leave the house, a LOUD RUMBLE, along with a violent wind, all the doors and windows lock. Everyone desperately tries to open a door or break a window. CINDY He won't let us go. He's going to kill us. DWIGHT Quick, everyone to the lab. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT STAIRS -- MOMENTS LATER Dwight leads everyone to the basement door. He opens it. A long flight of concrete steps. DWIGHT Those steps look kind of hard. I'm gonna need some help. By now, the group is so used to Dwight going down steps, they simply give him a push. Dwight goes tumbling down the hard steps. The gang running behind him. Dwight lands hard at the bottom of the steps. The group tramples him as they rush by. DWIGHT (CONT'D) (heroic) Don't mind me. Save yourselves. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS Everyone assembled inside. Dwight finally catching up, his wheels slightly bent and his glasses, a mangled mess. DWIGHT Quick. Lock the door. BUDDY and SHORTY lock the door. CINDY What are we gonna do? DWIGHT We have to destroy him. RAY How we gonna destroy what we can't see? SHORTY I got it! We shave off our pubic hairs and use the shampoo for ten days. What? Ya'll never had crabs? Dwight rolls over to a complex machine with a circle marked on the floor in front of it. DWIGHT Ghosts are just energy fields. We can capture that energy. We can dissipate it! But in order to do that, we've got to get him in here. On that spot. BUDDY That's great Einstein. How are we gonna do that? There's a powerful force out there ready to render us helpless, tear on our flesh, and penetrate our bodies. RAY He's right. I should go first. BRENDA He's so brave. Dwight rolls over to a supply cabinet, opens it and starts to hand out equipment. Dwight is arming the teenagers, giving them each a strange looking gun. DWIGHT These are highly experimental guns that emit a bolt of concentrated energy able to damage ectoplasmic cells, giving it the ability to injure or even destroy a ghost. There is no ammunition. You only get three shots a piece, so use it very wisely. Goofing with his gun, shorty fires it at Brenda's butt, burning it. BRENDA Hey! Shorty laughs. DWIGHT Conserve your ammunition! SHORTY Sorry...right, right... Shorty is startled by a cockroach and shoots it. DWIGHT The only way we're going to track down these ghosts is if we're all wearing one of these... Dwight pulls out a DICK PUMP! They all look at him crossed.. Dwight realizes what he's holding in his hand. BUDDY A dick pump? DWIGHT I mean these! Dwight holds up a pair of goggles. DWIGHT (CONT'D) These are thermo-goggles. The kids are putting on their goggles, trying them out. DWIGHT (CONT'D) These can be used to track the ghosts. These goggles work on the principle of body heat. They're so powerful, they'll even show where body fluids of any kind have been recently, even if it been wiped clean. The kids look at each other and notice Dwight has goo in his face. DWIGHT (CONT'D) He may be invisible, but we have the advantage of being armed with the most innovative and complex high-tech equipment known to man. BRENDA How are we gonna stay in touch with one another? Do we have walkie-talkies or something? DWIGHT No, we have these. Dwight brings out several sets of two paper-cups with a string attaching the two. The string is only about 10-15 feet long. DWIGHT (CONT'D) All the money was spent on the guns and the goggles. He hands them out. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Let's get that bastard! Alex points her gun at the group. ALEX No, I won't let you do it. CINDY Alex, what are you doing? ALEX Shut up, you slut. You think you can take him from me? Well, over my dead body. Alex runs out of the lab. Cindy tries to stop her. Theo steps in the way. THEO Let her go, Cin. CINDY But he'll kill her! THEO That means more screen time for us. DWIGHT Alright, let's split up. BRENDA Every time some scary shit goes down and we need to stick together, you white folks always say "Let's split up." THEO She's right. We should stick together. DWIGHT Alright. Come on, you guys. All four of the white people take off, leaving Ray, Shorty and Brenda behind. SHORTY Ain't that some shit? Ray, Shorty, and Brenda head off in the other direction. CUT TO: INT. SECRET STUDY/FOYER/LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Alex exits the basement, frantically searching for the ghost. She runs into the secret study. ALEX Huey, where are you? GHOST POV: The ghost, in the foyer, catches sight of Alex and tries to hide. Alex sees him and starts for the foyer. ALEX (CONT'D) Huey, Huey, baby, we have to talk! To protect himself and do harm to her, the ghost hurls a chair at Alex in the foyer. ALEX (CONT'D) Baby? He hurls a statue at her. Massive boulders come tumbling down the steps in hope of crushing her. Alex runs into the music room, smashing through a television. ALEX (CONT'D) Come on, baby, we can work this out. She takes a few steps and trips over the carpet. ALEX (CONT'D) If we just stick together no one can hurt us, love! The piano flies up, landing on Alex. ALEX (CONT'D) (in pain) I think we have to get a little therapy, Hun. She crawls from under the piano. As Alex heads for the dining room, the door slam shut. Immediately, several knives come flying at her. The knives form Alex's outline in the door. Alex swings the doors open and enters the dining room. Almost immediately, she's pulled (by the ghost) across the dining room table, eventually landing full force to the floor. As she lies there, the chandelier drops from the ceiling, pinning her down. Alex is dying. Theo enters. THEO Oh my god! Alex! Theo cradles Alex's head. ALEX I think I'm dying, Theo... I just want you to know, you're the best friend I've ever had... (she coughs, pained) Do you remember that time we met? Theo nods, sadly. ALEX (CONT'D) And remember the time in the sixth grade, at the dance? We wore the same dresses, but that didn't stop us from having the best time ever. Theo looks confused. THEO Um...we-- Alex coughs some more. ALEX And remember that trip we took to Africa? That safari was so wonderful. Me, you...best of friends...forever. THEO Uh, Alex, we've only know each other one day. ALEX Oh... I guess I'll die now. THEO Okay...maybe that would be best. Alex closes her eyes, seemingly dying. Theo starts to get up. Suddenly, Alex opens her eyes... ALEX Oh, remember that time I got my training bra and you -- THEO Never happened! Theo looks at her watch, impatiently. ALEX Right... well, bye. Alex lays her head down and seemingly dies again. Theo starts to leave. Alex sits up again. ALEX (CONT'D) My favorite memory was when we -- THEO Would you die already?! Theo looks around and grabs a pillow, finally smothering Alex to death. Theo slowly gets up, surveying the scene. AS SHE EXITS, WE CUT TO: INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- LATER THEO AND DWIGHT DWIGHT You check down here, I'll check upstairs. Theo looks confused as Dwight crawls upstairs, dragging his wheelchair. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT AREA -- MOMENTS LATER Shorty, astray from the rest of the group, tries to find Ray and Brenda. SHORTY (loud whisper) Ray! Brenda! Shorty takes a breather. He takes a seat and enjoys a blunt. SHORTY (CONT'D) Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about. Fuck this ghost hunting shit. I don't know where to look for no ghost. Shorty exhales the smoke, REVEALS the ghost sitting next to him. GHOST (menacing) Boo! Shorty screams and jumps to his feet. SHORTY Yo, son, why me? What you want with me? Shorty blows out more smoke in an effort to reveal the ghost as he bucks away. It works. Another puff and the ghost's face appears again. GHOST Boo! SHORTY Leave me alone. Stay away from me. Shorty continues the process of toking the blunt and blowing the smoke. Finally, Shorty takes a huge pull, blows the smoke out, and the menacing Ghost face appears. Shorty curls in fear. The ghost approaches Shorty. It's apparent that Shorty is a dead man. The ghost brings his face very close to Shorty's. GHOST (playfully) Boo. The ghost laughs, hysterically, obviously high. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS Ray and Brenda. BRENDA You hear that? She notices Shorty is gone. BRENDA (CONT'D) Where's Shorty? RAY I don't know. He was right behind us. Wait here. I'll be right back. INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS Shorty and the ghost are joking it up. SHORTY (singing) THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR HOOD... GHOST WHO YOU GONNA CALL? SHORTY/GHOST GHOSTBUSTERS!! SHORTY Hey, shotgun. Shorty blows smoke in the ghost's face. They inhale. It appears that Shorty has inhaled the ghost. A count of two. Shorty exhales, blowing the ghost out. GHOST That was awesome. The ghost runs straight at the wall, and goes through it. He peeks his head through. GHOST (CONT'D) You try. Shorty takes a hit off the blunt then charges at the wall. SLAM!!! Shorty knocks himself unconscious. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT FURNACE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Cindy and Buddy enter the furnace room. BUDDY Where the hell are we? CINDY It looks like the furnace. BUDDY Let's get outta here. CINDY Wait, I want to check something. Give me a hand. Buddy helps Cindy open the large furnace door. CLOSE ON: The inside of the furnace. Black ashes is all that can be seen. Cindy picks up an iron poker and pokes around the ash. BUDDY What are you doing? Cindy sees something. She stops. CINDY I found Hugh Kane's wife's diary. It said Hanson the caretaker died in the furnace. Cindy clears away the ashes to REVEAL a human skeleton. BUDDY Well, if that's Hanson, then who's the guy with the hand? CINDY Hugh Kane. Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life. It rises from the ashes. Buddy and Cindy run. The skeleton follows. CINDY (CONT'D) Let's split up and meet at the other end. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS CLOSE ON: Brenda. She hears someone yelling. Brenda peeks around the corner. She sees Cindy running towards her. Cindy is screaming for help. Brenda ducks behind the wall. CINDY Help! BRENDA Now, why that bitch gotta bring that shit this way? I hope she didn't see me. Brenda peeks around the corner. Cindy trips and falls. The skeleton gets closer. BRENDA (CONT'D) Good! I hope that shit kills her and just leaves. God is looking out for me. Cindy is back to her feet and hauling ass. Brenda ducks back behind the wall. She is now nervous and shaking. The screams get closer. Brenda begins to pray. BRENDA (CONT'D) Lord, if I die, I'm going to fuck this bitch up for getting me involved. Cindy rounds the corner to discover the dead end. CINDY Oh my God! We're dead! BRENDA It would've just been you, if you would've kept your mouth shut. They hear the footsteps getting close. CINDY It's coming! BRENDA What ?! What is it, a monster?! The skeleton turns the corner. Cindy sees him first. CINDY Aahhh! There it is!!! Brenda turns and sees the skeleton. Her fear subsides. BRENDA Aw, shit girl. This what you're running from? He ain't nothing but a skeleton. His skinny little ass can't hurt anybody. Brenda just stands her ground. This skeleton runs up and grabs Brenda by the arm. Brenda makes a face as if she's not very impressed. BRENDA (CONT'D) What? ...this ain't shit. With the skeleton still gripping her arm, Brenda raises her arm, effortlessly lifting the skeleton off the ground. It hangs there, looking worried and looking down at it's feet dangling. BRENDA (CONT'D) (to Cindy) It's just a bunch of old bones. No muscle, no strength. He hardly even weighs anything. She flicks the skeleton off her arm. It hits the ground. Dazed, it gets back on it's feet. Brenda stomps her feet and moves like she's going to jump at it. The skeleton cowers, throwing up its arms and looking scared. BRENDA (CONT'D) What you gonna do? As the skeleton tries to run, Brenda plucks off its head. Cindy smiles, realizing the skeleton poses no threat. Skeleton Head Hey, give it back. Brenda and Cindy play Keep-Away with the skull. The skeleton's headless body running back and forth between them, arms flailing, trying desperately to get its head back. Finally, Cindy catches the skull, moves aside and sticks her leg out, tripping the body. It tumbles to the wall and lies there. Brenda reaches down and grabs the bottom section of the skeleton's spine, destabilizing the body. Like a house of cards, all of the bones crash down into a heap. Brenda holds a bone to her head. BRENDA Hey, look, I'm Wilma Flintstone. CINDY Hey, I have an idea... CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT AREA -- FEW MOMENTS LATER The skeleton is put back together, but completely messed up. It's hopping on one hand, it's head stuck on its tail bone, one leg sticking balanced on top of the rib cage, etc. BRENDA Go on, get out of here. The skeleton goes hopping along the hallway, humiliated. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- LATER Buddy joins Cindy and Brenda. BUDDY You guys okay? BRENDA Yeah, it takes more than a bag of bones to scare me. Suddenly, Buddy is lifted off his feet, his arms and legs swinging wildly. CINDY Oh my God, the ghost has Buddy! Brenda do something! BRENDA Okay. Brenda takes off running. Cindy watches, confused. BUDDY Help! Cindy fires at the pipes, one burst. The steam REVEALS the ghost. Cindy has a clean shot. She takes it. The ghost is hit. He drops Buddy and flees. Buddy falls, bangs his head. CINDY (rushing to Buddy) Are you okay? Buddy checks his head. BUDDY Yeah, I think I'm bleeding. CINDY Come on. There's a first aid kit in the lab. Cindy helps Buddy to his feet. They head to the lab. CUT TO: INT. SECRET STUDY -- LATER THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS SHOT ENTIRELY FROM THE GHOST'S POV: The Ghost enters to see that the room is no longer a mess, but has been cleaned with a woman's touch. First, he spots a teddy bear sitting in his chair. He sees flowers placed around his portrait. A vase of roses on his desk. There are a pair of woman's panties on the desk lamp. He picks them up to inspect them. Disgusted, he throws the panties on the floor. The ghost then catches sight of a three-layered wedding cake set on a table. Finally, he sees that Alex has pasted a photo of her face, over the face of his beloved Carolyn in her portrait. This sends him into a tirade. He smashes the vase of flowers to the floor, before doing the same to the wedding cake. The ghost smashes the mirror. Finally, he tears Alex's photo from the painting. AS HE BACKS AWAY, WE: CUT TO: INT. LAB -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER Cindy is tending to Buddy. BUDDY Cindy, I've been thinking about this whole friend thing. I never had a friend that cares for me the way you do...I mean, there's Ray, but he cares for me in a different way. You know, bringing me flowers. Running my bath water. And then there's nights I wake up screaming and I look over and Ray's in my bed. Holding me. And seeing that tonight might be our last night together, I was thinking... CINDY That we should take our friendship a little further? BUDDY Yes... CINDY Oh, Buddy, I was thinking the same thing. It might be our last night in this house. And I think we should take full advantage of it. BUDDY (excited) I was thinking the same thing. He pops a mint in his mouth and unbuckles his pants. CINDY (lost in thought) We should act out our inner most fantasies. BUDDY Great!!! CINDY Like, I've always wanted to walk on the moon. BUDDY Huh? Cindy turns around and does a slow motion imitation of an astronaut. CINDY What about you, Buddy? BUDDY Well, I was hoping to get my balls licked. They hear a noise. CINDY He's here. BUDDY Shit! Cindy gets an idea. She runs in the freezer, and grabs several bags of blood. Suddenly, she hears a noise. Cindy stops and looks around. She sees nothing. Cindy begins to open bags of blood and pours them on the floor. She empties out all of the blood. Suddenly the phone rings. She answers. CINDY Hello? INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- SAME TIME. A DOCTOR is on the phone talking with Cindy. A DYING LITTLE BOY lays in the hospital bed with his PARENTS standing over him, crying. DOCTOR Yes, this is Doctor Peterson. I'm calling for Dwight Hartman. He was storing some blood over there for me. It's for a little boy who's in desperate need of a blood transfusion. CUT BACK TO: INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS Cindy, on phone looks down at all the blood spilled out on the floor, shocked. CINDY (Mexican accent) Dwight Hartman, no live here. Cindy slams down the phone. She watches the blood carefully, looking for footprints. She sees nothing. Behind her, she hears a noise. She turns and is slapped hard in the face by the ghost. She raises her gun, but the ghost is too quick. He smacks it from her hand. NEW ANGLE: The ghost smacks Cindy, sending her flying into the freezer. Cindy falls hard, hitting her head, and dazing her for a brief moment. Buddy attacks the ghost. The ghost is strong and easily punches Buddy around. Buddy is thrown into the freezer. He's hurt. Cindy gets up and rushes to help Buddy. INT. FREEZER -- CONTINUOUS Suddenly, the door locks and is bolted shut. CLOSE ON: The temperature gauge is broken. The temperature begins to drop. Cindy rushes to the door. Through the window, she sees the ghost leave. BUDDY We gotta call for help. Cindy holds up her cup and talks into it. CINDY Hello? Do you read me? Come in... It's useless. They don't work in here... must be the walls or something. CUT TO: INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT Dwight is looking for the ghost. Dwight sees the ghost through his goggles. The ghost is playing hide-and-seek with Dwight. DWIGHT (angry) Come on you coward! Show yourself! Fight me like a man. Suddenly, Dwight's wheelchair is rammed by another wheelchair driven by the ghost. Dwight takes off. The ghost follows. Dwight and the ghost zigzag down the hallway bumping and cutting each other off. SLOW-MOTION SHOT: The wheels of the two chairs lock together sending them into a 360 degree spin. Dwight, his hair is flowing. Matching shot of the ghost. The chair crashes into the banister. It breaks the back of Dwight's charm which dangerously hangs over the edge. Dwight gains control. As the ghost chair approaches, Dwight speeds towards the ghost. Just before the chairs pass each other, Dwight leaps out and hangs on the side, firing his gun at the ghost. The ghost ducks and the shot misses him. Dwight is dragged painfully through the hallway smashing into open doors, statues, cupboards. Finally, Dwight leaps back into the chair. Not a moment to soon. The ghost chair whips in front of Dwight. Dwight thinks fast. He uses a broken table as a ramp. He catches some good air. Dwight lands, slams on the brakes, sending his chair tipping forward. Dwight shows his skills by spinning his chair as it balances on the front wheels. Dwight and the ghost chair now are at opposite ends of the hall. The scene plays very dramatic and in SLOW-MOTION. Dwight in his wheelchair at one end of the hall and the ghost in his wheelchair at the other end. WHITE DOVES begin to flutter through the hallway ala a "JOHN WOO" movie. One of the doves flies by in slow motion. It plops right on his face. The tires of Dwight's wheelchair begin spinning and squealing, burning rubber and causing smoke to come from the tire. The ghost's wheelchair tires burn rubber and starts barreling toward Dwight at full (wheelchair) speed. Dwight starts rolling with all his might toward the ghost in his wheelchair. Coming towards each other like the motorcycle scene in "MI:2". ANGLE ON: THE GHOST'S WHEELCHAIR It speeds towards Dwight. ANGLE ON: DWIGHT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR He speeds toward the ghost in his chair. Dwight is going so fast that his hair is blowing back and bugs start splattering up against his face and sunglasses. Like two speeding trains, Dwight and the ghost are headed right towards one another. ANGLE ON: DWIGHT'S WHEELCHAIR One of his tires blows out. We see that it reads "FIRESTONE." Dwight still races towards the ghost. Right when they are about to collide head on, Dwight leaps up out of his wheelchair and the ghost leaps out of his wheelchair. The two wheelchairs impact and EXPLODE!!! Dwight goes to grab the ghost, but he goes right through it and goes crashing out of the window at the end of the hallway. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Noooo!!!!! EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT Dwight, dangling from a statue on the house exterior. He's slipping, losing his grip. Suddenly, in the window above, appears Hanson. He extends his little arm out to Dwight. HANSON Here. Take my hand. CLOSE ON: Hanson's nubby little hand. HANSON (CONT'D) Come on. Take it. Dwight can't bring himself to touch the little hand. He looks at the ground below. It's sure death if he falls. Hanson reaches further. We see his fingers as they touch Dwight's hand. DWIGHT Ahhhh!!! Dwight lets go and falls to his death. INT. FREEZER -- MOMENTS LATER Frost has built up on the window. Icicles hang off of our hero's. BUDDY (practically frozen stiff) What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I can't move, I'm so cold. CINDY (rubbing his legs) Can you feel that? BUDDY No. Try a little higher. Cindy starts rubbing his thighs. CINDY Feel that? BUDDY (enjoying it) No. Keep rubbing. Cindy starts rubbing harder. BUDDY (CONT'D) Better try a little higher. CINDY (catching on) Now, come on -- you know I'm not ready for that kind of - BUDDY Cindy, please! It's a matter of life and death. I'm asking you a friend. CINDY Well... okay...but only as a friend. Cindy makes ready to start rubbing Buddy's dick. Buddy leans back, getting ready to enjoy it. He puts his arms around his head, but then realizes that this whole thing depends on Cindy believing that he can't move his arms, so he quickly puts them back where they were before Cindy realizes what he's done. Cindy is still rubbing Buddy's crotch. BUDDY I'm coming! BUDDY EXPLODES Cindy, eyes wide as she looks down. She jumps back just as the goo flies towards her. CLOSE ON: The goo. It freezes in mid-air. Cindy knows there's no more time to waste. She desperately scrambles for a way out. She tries the door, but it's bolted shut. She looks over to see some loose nuts and bolts, a wire and a defibrillator. She goes to work piecing something together, MacGyver-style. Quick cuts of her snapping a wire loose. She magnetizes the nuts and bolts. She turns on the defibrillator. We pull back to reveal Cindy has built with the loose scraps a CAT BULLDOZER. Cindy helps Buddy out of the freezer. CINDY You stay here. I've got to warn the others. Cindy exits. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER CINDY (into her cup) Come in somebody. Can you hear me? RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) This is Ray. What's up? Where are you? CINDY The ghost is close. He almost got us. Buddy is hurt. RAY (V.O.) (V.O.) What's your location? I repeat, what's your location? CINDY Right behind you. REVEAL: Cindy standing behind Ray. RAY Roger that we're on our way over. Ray turns to Cindy. CINDY Where's Shorty? RAY I don't know. He was right behind me a minute ago. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- LATER MUSIC: The same gentle piano music as in "Hannibal." Cindy walks into the kitchen and sees Shorty seated at he table, strapped to a chair. Hanson is nearby, grilling something on a portable grill and conversing amiably with Shorty. Alarmed, Cindy grabs a snow globe. ANGLE ON SNOW GLOBE: Cindy hides the snow globe behind her back. HANSON Ah, Cindy. Sit down, dear. Dinner's almost ready. Cindy manages a smile and nears the table. HANSON (CONT'D) Oh, and the little weapon you're hiding? Put it on the table. Caught, Cindy sheepishly places the snow globe on the table and moves to sit. HANSON (CONT'D) Come now, give it up. Cindy pulls a heavy little statuette from under her shirt and clunks it down next to the snow globe. Hanson shakes his head no and gestures for her to come clean with what else she has. Cindy keeps pulling out more weaponry, tossing it on the table. a bear-trap, a crowbar, a medieval battle axe, a crossbow, case of dynamite, and a Star Wars lightsaber, which she turns on and tosses onto the pile. Cindy sits. Hanson goes back to his cooking. CINDY (whispering) Shorty, are you alright? Speak to me! Shorty is slumped and dazed, drooling on himself. Cindy notices some hypodermic needles, chloroform and a rag. CINDY (CONT'D) (to Hanson) Morphine? chloroform? Horse tranquilizers? You've drugged him! HANSON No, actually, I found him like this. That's his stuff. With growing alarm, Cindy notices a cookbook on the table: "Martha Stewart's Easy Brain Recipes", featuring a picture of a pleasantly smiling Martha Stewart on the cover, her mouth and chin soaked in blood and gore, clutching a chewed brain in her hand. HANSON (CONT'D) Sit down and join us, Cindy. SHORTY (to Cindy) Yeah, I always wanted to watch you eat. CINDY She'd have to be really pretty and I'd have to be very drunk. SHORTY (delirious) I'm going to work in Washington, Cindy. CINDY Are you? SHORTY That's where my best customers are. Marion Berry, George Bush, the Redskins. I'd like to offer you a job, Cindy. Can you type? Take dictation? Swallow balloons filled with cocaine? HANSON Now you're being rude, Shorty. SHORTY Washington is full of cornpone country pussy - just ask Jesse Jackson. Hanson puts down his spatula and steps to Shorty. HANSON Alright! Everyone ready for the main course? Hanson pulls off Shorty's sweatband and take a can opener to Shorty's head, running it all the way around the crown as Cindy looks on in horror. Cindy gasps as Hanson lifts off the top of Shorty's head, revealing his brain. It's a sad sight. Small and underdeveloped, it's surrounded by smoke. Corroded and half smoked away. There's a small band-aid on it. Hanson puts the top of Shorty's skull on his own head, hair and all. HANSON (CONT'D) (a la Shorty, gesturing with a little hand) Yo son, check this out. SHORTY Dog, you look hot. Hanson grabs a knife and goes to carve the brain. CINDY Hanson, please. HANSON Don't worry Cindy, the brain itself feels no pain. Hanson cuts into it. The brain screams in fright and shrinks away from the knife, compressing itself into a corner of Shorty's skull. Hanson stabs over and over, the brain gracefully avoiding being cut, moving from corner to corner of the skull. It trembles. Hanson watches and aims carefully, finally sticking the knife into the brain. HANSON (CONT'D) It's such a fascinating organ. Hanson points out a section. HANSON (CONT'D) This part here controls intelligence. Watch what happens when I touch it. Hanson touches it. SHORTY (suddenly smart, with a British accent) Salutations, offspring. The fecal matter is infirm. By the by, I do not wish to monopolize the conversation, but I believe I've just figured out the cure for cancer. It's really quite simple-- Hanson takes his finger off the brain and points out another section: HANSON And this part controls a person's manners. Shorty starts to belch and fart uncontrollably, wetting his pants. CINDY Stop touching his brain! HANSON Um, I'm not touching anything. SHORTY Sorry, y'all. My bad. HANSON Shorty, why don't you say grace? SHORTY Me? Grace? Okay - Dear God - Just as Shorty bows his head, the little brain plops out onto the table. Hanson picks it up and puts it back in. SHORTY (CONT'D) Amen. Hanson now carves a little section of the brain. HANSON This part removes the sense of humor. SHORTY I am Tom Green, I am Tom Green. Daddy want some sausage, sausage. Daddy want some sausage... Hanson drops the piece of brain on the frying pan. Cindy looks over and looks at the grill Hanson is using. A logo in the side reads: "the George Foreman Brain Grill", with a picture of George Foreman's smiling head next to the words. The top of George Foreman's head is missing, revealing his brain. Hanson takes the brain tidbit off the pan -- it has grill marks now, and serves it to Shorty. Shorty starts hooking up the piece of brain with the hot sauce, pepper, salt, "A-1" steak sauce, melted velveta cheese, etc... Hanson starts scraping the leftovers off the dishes into Shorty's head. Cindy grabs the snowglobe and goes after Hanson, but Hanson grabs her just as it's about to strike and slams her back against the refrigerator, getting in her face, locking her hair in the door and breaking off the handle. HANSON Tell me, Cindy. Would you ever tell me "Stop. If you loved me you'd stop." CINDY Not in a thousand years. Hanson leans in and presses a kiss against Cindy's lips. CINDY (CONT'D) (muffled) Stop!- HANSON (pulling away) Made you say it! Suddenly OFF SCREEN we hear handcuffs clicking closed. Pull back and reveal that she's handcuffed his small hand to her. The handcuff is extremely loose on his hand. OFF SCREEN Hanson hears Brenda and Theo approaching. Looking around, he grabs a cleaver. Then he slams his and Cindy's cuffed hands on the kitchen counter. HANSON (CONT'D) It looks like I'll have to give you something to remember me by...This is really going to hurt. Cleaver come down hard. CU of Cindy screaming in SLO-MO. REVEAL Hanson's crooked penis on the counter, the foreskin cut-off. HANSON (CONT'D) I've been meaning to do this since my Bar Mitzvah... Here. Hanson hands her the piece of foreskin. As she stares at in horrified shock, Hanson slips his baby hand out of the cuffs, no problem, and runs off. Cindy runs after him, hair still caught, dragging the refrigerator after her. Theo and Brenda arrive. BRENDA Cindy, what's going on? CINDY It's Hanson, he's evil. Let's get him! The girls free Cindy and they run off. Cindy's hair is frozen stiff in the air with a pork chop stuck to it. They leave Shorty behind, passed out at the table. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- LATER Ray and Buddy are scoping out the area. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. As the knob begins to turn, Buddy and Ray take aim. The door opens. A very disheveled Dwight, on his hands and knees, appears. DWIGHT Ouch... (ALTERNATE) Mommy... Buddy and Ray help Dwight into a chair. BUDDY Dwight, are you okay? DWIGHT I can't feel my legs. RAY You never could feel your legs. DWIGHT What do you know about it?!... Listen, the ghost is too powerful. The only chance we have is to use this machine. (to Buddy) I need you to go get the others and meet us upstairs. BUDDY Okay... Buddy runs out. DWIGHT (hesitantly) Alright... I might need your help. RAY My help? DWIGHT A little bit... Give me your belt. RAY I'm not even wearing any drawers. Forget about a belt. DWIGHT Okay, give me my belt. Ray checks Dwight's pants. RAY You're not wearing a belt. DWIGHT Alright, go to the belt store... AS THEY CONTINUE, WE: CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY --NIGHT Cindy, Brenda, and Theo start to lose articles of clothing. Cindy removes a pin and lets down her hair. MUSIC CUE: INDEPENDENT WOMAN REVEAL: Our girls now resemble "Charlie's Angels." Hanson comes upon a locked gate and cartwheels between it. Brenda and Theo brace their hand and help Cindy over the gate. Cindy leaps over the fence and grabs a chain hanging from the ceiling and swings toward the Hanson. She kicks him in the chest. He falls to the floor. Cindy drops from the chain as Brenda and Brenda climb the gate in cat-like fashion. Hanson rises to his feet and strikes a defensive pose. It's Cindy and Hanson. She takes a running leap and kick at Hanson ala Cameron Diaz in "Charlie's Angels." She slowly moves through the air at him until Hanson picks up a bat. Cindy sees this and begins to back peddle, but it's too late. Hanson swings and connects. SWACK!! He beans her in the head and she goes flying. The girls gather again on the other side in front if a fountain and assume the famous "Charlie's's Angels" pose with Theo and Brenda holding one leg up as Cindy squats in the middle. Now with the fountain behind them, it appears all girls are taking a piss. NEW ANGLE: The girls are closing in. Hanson knows it. THEO Brenda! Hanson snatches one of Brenda's braids and runs it under his nose smelling it like the villain in "Charlie's Angels." Brenda, angry, assumes a fierce, expert looking Kung Fu pose -- but then breaks into a girlish schoolyard fighting technique, arms pin-wheeling, etc. Hanson then takes on Theo. She runs to back wall, flips and roundhouse kicks him. Hanson throws Theo into a wall. Her boobs expand and break her fall. It's now just Cindy and Hanson. Cindy begins to display different Kung Fu fight techniques. CINDY The Crane style! She does CRANE-like fighting moves -- CINDY (CONT'D) The Crouching Tiger style! She does TIGER-like fighting moves -- CINDY (CONT'D) The Drunk Monkey! Cindy starts stumbling around the room, acting drunk and making monkey noises. CINDY (CONT'D) The Mad Cow! Cindy frowns, making a mad face and starts "mooing" like a cow! CINDY (CONT'D) The Horny dog! Cindy begins humping Hanson's leg wildly. Then she gets carried away with her impressions of different animals, a deer, a bear, etc. Hanson watches her totally entertained. CINDY (CONT'D) The Camel Toe! This move disgusts Hanson. Cindy does the "Crouching Tiger" tornado-spin upwards and land on a higher level,,,,(JOKE TO COME). Cindy finishes her moves and backs-up as Hanson starts to short circuit. The girls run in and they all watch the ghost starting to combust. Buddy runs up from the hall to the fence. BUDDY You gotta get out of there! He holds open the gate as the girls run down the hall. They give one last look back as Hanson explodes. Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo run to the lab. CUT TO: INT. LAB -- MOMENTS LATER Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo enter to find Ray and Dwight there. DWIGHT There's only one thing left to do. You guys, go upstairs and get the machine ready! CUT TO: INT. MUSIC ROOM/FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER The group is gathered. Dwight is strapped to Ray's back. DWIGHT Someone is going to have to lure him onto the platform. CINDY I'll go. BUDDY Cindy, Let me... CINDY No, Buddy, I'm the one he wants. BUDDY Actually, I was going to say let me have your computer if you die. Cindy moves to the foyer. DWIGHT Cool, but remember, as soon as he gets on the platform you gotta get out of there. (ALTERNATE:) Nobody wants to go. CINDY Alright, let's take a vote... Rest to come... Cindy crosses into the foyer. Buddy, Ray, Dwight, and Theo stand in the doorway. The machine is gathered at the bottom of the steps. Cindy moves about, yelling to the ghost. CINDY (CONT'D) Hugh Kane, it's me you want, come get me! I'm not afraid anymore! Show yourself! Suddenly, the foyer windows explode. The ghost breaks through the window. Coming down the steps, he trips and falls. The ghost rises into frame, stepping on the machine. GHOST Prepare to die! (ALTERNATE LINE:) Now you will be mine forever! Cindy stands in the circle. Buddy throws the switch. A digital read-out... 10...9...8...7... BUDDY Cindy, get outta there. You'll be killed. (ALTERNATE:) Do something, Dwight! DWIGHT I can't, she's still on the platform. If I throw the switch she'll die. Ahh! No!!! RAY I'll get her. With no concern for his safety, Ray, still with Dwight strapped to his back, bolts towards Cindy. CLOSE ON: Ray. He's running in dramatic slo-mo. THEO Why is he running so slow? Brenda shrugs. BRENDA Ray, run faster. RAY Okay. Ray looks back and nods. He breaks outta slo-mo and speeds towards Cindy. Digital read-out...3...2... 1... Ray tackles Cindy, hurling her out of the way just as the machine's energy field zaps the ghost. Cindy, Ray and Dwight hit the ground with a bone-jarring impact. CINDY Ray, you saved my life. Are you okay? RAY Yeah, I broke my fall. Dwight, all wuzzy, complains. The force-field turns on and the ghost is instantly in agony. He screams. Cindy manages to drag herself to the ghost. CINDY Don't fight it. Let it go. It's time for you. Rest time. Peace. Carolyn is waiting for you on the other side. These words make the ghost relax. His evil expression changes. CINDY (CONT'D) Yes, go to her. You will be together with her for eternity. A brilliant, heavenly light ala the final scene in "GHOST." Syrupy music begins to play. The ghost smiles. He places his hand against Cindy's as a kind of gesture of good-bye. Music swells. Ghost rises towards the light. CINDY (CONT'D) Goodbye, Hugh Kane. GHOST Take care of yourself, Cindy. Suddenly, another ghost appears. It's Alex. Ray, Dwight and Cindy turn their heads from the bright light. ALEX There you are, my love. I've been looking for you. Now we can be together forever. The ghost's expression changes to fear. He begins to leave... ALEX (CONT'D) Don't you float away from me. GHOST No! No! ALEX Don't you run from me!... I'm coming my love! In a flash, both Alex and the Ghost are sucked into the light and disappear. CUT TO: INT. FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER As the Ghost goes off to his wretched eternal fate with Alex in the afterlife, the kids look around at each other. Outside the window, dawn is beginning to break. Birds are chirping. RAY We did it, you guys! We made it! The gang--Cindy, Brenda, Ray, Buddy, Theo and Dwight--hug. Shorty wanders into the room. SHORTY Hey, y'all! What's going on? CINDY Shorty! You're alive!! But...what about your head? SHORTY That turned out to be a good thing! It's gonna make smuggling a whole lot easier. Remember that weed? I'm about to get paid. Cindy and Shorty hug. CINDY (triumphant) Come on, guys Let's get out of here. Suddenly, the door opens. A ray of blinding sunlight floods the room. Father McFeely enters with some COPS and EMTS. FATHER MCFEELY I'm afraid we're too late. The kids watch, confused, as the priest and the officers rush past without acknowledging they're even there. The kids look bewildered. COP #1 WALKS UP TO COP #2 COP #2 I found one in the kitchen. COP #3 runs up to Cop #1 and Cop #2, very excited. COP #3 There's ass, blood and guts everywhere! Cop #1 gives them the "thumbs up" and walks away without saying a word. Cop #3 and Cop #3 walk away. On the back of each of their jackets reads "DIRECTOR'S RELATIVE." Then Cop #1 walks away revealing the back of his jacket,"JUST AN EXTRA." Cindy runs up to Father McFeely. CINDY Father! MCFEELY My child, you're alive! CINDY Yes, we made it! MCFEELY We? What do you mean ...we? CINDY Me and my friends... You see there was this ghost. He came out of nowhere and.... MCFEELY My child you are the only survivor. CINDY No, my friends are right here! The kids stand in a group behind Cindy, but McFeely looks right through them. MCFEELY I'm sorry. CINDY Father, I don't understand. Tell me what happened? MCFEELY Soon, but first I must bless this house. McFeely walks off. Ray and Dwight, still strapped to each other, watch the entire scenario. They look at the others. RAY You mean to tell me we're dead! DWIGHT I guess so. Ray undoes his belt and Dwight falls of his back. Dwight tries to stand up, but even though he's dead, his legs don't work. CINDY Noooooooo! Suddenly, a bus (or car) drives through, smashing Cindy. THE END POSTSCRIPT Version #5 INT. DORMROOM -- DAY Cindy sits at her desk talking to someone off screen. CINDY Now that we're out of the house and back at school, I know that everything's going to be okay. I'm doubly lucky that I made it out of the house with you... Reveal Cindy is talking to the bird. BIRD Will you just shut up? Shut the fuck up! The PHONE RINGS. CINDY Hello? Oh hi Dad. Yeah, I'm so happy to be back in college. I love my new roommate, but I have to say I was a little nervous at first because she's so religious. Show Megan fucking herself with a crucifix. MEGAN Let Jesus fuck me! Megan's head spins around, then she spews green vomit and piss everywhere. CINDY And I got the cutest little parrot. Birds are such clean animals, he's no trouble at all! BIRD Uh, what do they put in this birdseed? The bird sprays shit out his ass all over her wall. CINDY Sorry to bother you about this, Dad but I need you to send me some more money. CINDY (CONT'D) For some reason, the college wouldn't accept the cash you sent for my tuition. She looks at a stack of 100's that are obviously counterfeit smeared ink, "One Hundred Dollars" spelled wrong, Ben Franklin in dreadlocks. Cindy loads some items into a care package; a copy of "The Hurricane," a shank, a zip gun, a file, a carton of cigarettes. CINDY (CONT'D) Keep checking your mailbox, I'm sending you a care package. Oh, and I'm putting in a little something for your bitch Dwayne. She puts an industrial-size bottle of "Ass-troglide" into the box. There's a knock at the door. CINDY (CONT'D) There's Buddy! Gotta go! Bye Dad! Cindy opens the door, and Buddy is waiting there with a bunch of flowers. Cindy smiles, then punches him through the flowers, in the chest. CINDY (CONT'D) Open chest! Buddy is sprawled on the floor with the wind knocked out of him, flowers everywhere. CINDY (CONT'D) Gotta be faster than that, thimble dick! CINDY AND BUDDY EXIT. Megan keeps spewing and swearing. REGAN Fuck me! Fuck me! BIRD Girl, I wouldn't fuck you if I was lying in the desert dying of thirst, with buzzards all around, and your ass was a water fountain. CUT TO: INT. DORM HALLWAY -- DAY Tommy is pacing up and down the hall, shaking uncontrollably. Ray walks up. RAY Yo' Tommy, what up, man? TOMMY I'm totally freakin' dude. I keep having these nightmares, then I wake up screaming with these awful back spasms. I can't take it anymore, man. RAY Aww, man. You just need to chill out. Come on, there's this party tonight it's gonna be fun. Lot's of alcohol and honeys. TOMMY Alright, but I ain't drinking. and you're gonna have to look after me. RAY Don't worry, I got your back. Ray puts his arm around Tommy and they walk off down the hall. We see a TATTOO "RAY FUCKED ME." on his back. Ray moves his hand and we see another tattoo that says ..."AGAIN!" CUT TO: EXT. DORM BUILDING ENTRANCE - A LITTLE LATER Buddy and Cindy exit the dorm. Buddy stops Cindy on the steps. BUDDY There's something I really want to share with you. CINDY There's something I want to share with you too. Here, smell this. Cindy swipes her finger under Buddy's nose. Buddy reacts, and Cindy runs off. EXT. PARK - A LITTLE LATER Cindy and Buddy are sitting under a tree together. BUDDY Cindy, about this whole friendship thing ... CINDY Yeah, I know, I just love having a guy for a friend. BUDDY I know, but I've been thinking -- CINDY (interrupting) I know, but I've been thinking -- BUDDY Listen to me I -- CINDY (interrupting) Listen to me I -- BUDDY Look, what I'm trying to say -- CINDY (smiling, fucking with him) Look, what I'm trying to say -- Buddy slaps Cindy in the back of the head. BUDDY Stop it! I'm just trying to say I think we should take our friendship to the next level. CINDY Oh. BUDDY I don't want to be your friend like this anymore. CINDY Then what are we going to do? BUDDY You know, walking on the beach, holding hands, kissing, making love... CINDY That sounds kinda gay, but since you're a guy, I guess it's okay. BUDDY Let's get a hot dog. They get up and start walking. Buddy sees a bee and protects her from it. BUDDY (CONT'D) Hey, look out, a bee! CINDY (charmed) Oh, Buddy, I've never had someone be so protective of me! BUDDY That's what your man is supposed to do. CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS -- CONTINOUS Cindy and Buddy come upon an ICE CREAM VENDOR busy working on his cart. BUDDY Hey, wanna' share a soda? CINDY Oh, Buddy, that's so romantic. BUDDY Yeah. (then) Can I borrow five bucks? Cindy pulls the cash out of her pocket. CINDY What should we get? BUDDY I don't care. You pick. CINDY Hot dogs. The vendor turns to reveal it's Hanson. CINDY (CONT'D) Oh my God! Buddy, what are we going to do? No response. Cindy turns to see Buddy sprinting across the campus. CINDY (CONT'D) It was you... HANSON Yes, it was me all along. I killed Hugh Kane and his mistress. CINDY Both of them? HANSON Didn't I just say that? Fucking listen. Anyway, I did it all for Carolyn. He never appreciated her, but I worshipped that woman and still she rejected me. So, I came back for you. Just like I did for Carolyn. CINDY This can't be happening? HANSON Now you'll be mine, Cindy. Hanson moves toward Cindy. CINDY Noooo!!! HANSON Yes!!!! BLAM! Hanson is blindsided by a car which misses Cindy by mere inches, but kills him dead. INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS SHORTY is driving the car, surprised by the thud. SHORTY What? A girl with a BAG over her head (the ghoul), lifts her head up off his lap, revealing a hole in the bag through which she was blowing him, as we... FADE OUT.