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Scary Movie 2 (2001)

by Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Alyson Fouse, Greg Grabianski, Dave Polsky, Michael Anthony Snowden, Craig Wayans.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

A party is winding down. Only a FEW GUESTS remain. They all
are gathered around the piano. A YOUNG PRIEST, FATHER
HARRIS, plays an old standard. Everyone sings along. A WOMAN
in the group, mid-40's, conservative, really getting into
the song, starts giving a soulful rendition, dropping to her
knees ala James Brown. The song ends. Everyone cheers.
Father Harris starts another.

		HARRIS
	Who knows this one?...
		(singing)
	"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!"

They all join in.

A YOUNG GIRL, MEGAN, enters the room. She watches the group.

The group notices Megan and slowly stops singing.

CLOSE ON:

Megan. Her eyes seem vacant, almost like she is sleep
walking. She mutters something.

		MEGAN
	You're going to die.

The group looks confused.

The young girl pees on the floor.

CLOSE ON:

A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's. She is the girl's MOTHER.

The mother apologizes to her guests.

		MOTHER
	I'm sorry. She's been really sick.

CLOSE ON:

Megan. THWACK!! She is smacked on the head by a rolled
newspaper.

REVEAL:

Mom holding the newspaper. She shoves Megan's head into the
pee and rubs her nose in it as she continues to whack her
with the newspaper.

		MOTHER  (CONT'D)
	No! Bad girl! Bad girl!

						DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

The street is covered in thick fog. The only light is by a
street lamp.

A taxi pulls into the frame. It reads "YELLOW CAB."

A TALL, DARK FIGURE gets out of the taxi.

		CAB DRIVER (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Hey you, pay your fare.

The figure takes off, running into the fog.

		CAB DRIVER  (CONT'D)
	God damn priests always pull this
	shit.

Cab drives off.

						     CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

A doorbell RINGS. It plays the THEME to "THE EXORCIST."

CLOSE ON:

The mother answers the door.

The dark figure lifts his head up, revealing that it's
Father McFeely.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Uh... I'm Father McFeely

		MOTHER
	Father, come in, please.

Father McFeely enters. The mother closes the door behind
him.

		MOTHER  (CONT'D)
	I'm so glad you're here.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	I came as fast as I could, but at
	my age the little soldier needs a
	lot more thumpin before it starts
	pumpin. If I tickle my ass before...

		MOTHER
	It's okay. I understand.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	How is she?

		MOTHER
		(sadly)
	She's gotten worse, Father. She
	won't eat, she won't talk. The child
	won't even let me touch her.

		FATHER MCFEELY
		(reflecting)
	Yes... Sometimes you have to give
	them candy.

The mother gives Father McFeely an odd look.

They are interrupted by Father Harris. He extends his hand
to McFeely.

		HARRIS
	Father.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Not unless you have a paternity
	test to prove it.

Harris looks confused.

		HARRIS
	No, I was sent by the church to
	assist you. My name is Father Harris.

They shake hands.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Would you like to see the girl?

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Soon. First, I must bless this
	house.

McFeely walks to a room and opens the door.

INT. ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Small bare walls. A window in the center wall.

McFeely closes the door. He sits and opens a bible and
begins to read.

CLOSE ON:

The window. Flies begin to appear.

CLOSE ON:

McFeely. He wipes sweat from his brow.

BACK TO THE WINDOW:

More flies. Their BUZZING is loud.

McFeely, now sweating, profusely. He begins to cough.

The window is now covered with flies. The BUZZING is
deafening.

McFeely, coughing and gagging.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Lord, please help me to release
	this demon.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

He's on the toilet. He lets out a loud fart followed by
plopping noises.

		FATHER MCFEELY (CONT'D)
	Thank you, Father.

A DEMONIC VOICE is heard.

		DEMONIC VOICE (O.S.) (O.S.)
	Get out!!! You fuckin' pig!!!

The room door swings open.

McFeely tries to flush the toilet. It bubbles over with
black goo ala "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR." He hustles out of the
bathroom.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

McFeely staggers out. Father Harris rushes over.

		HARRIS
	Father, are you okay?

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Yeah, but you might wanna light a
	match before you go in there.
		(then)
	Did you bring my bag?

		HARRIS
	Yes.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Then let us prepare.

Both priests walk up the stairs.

						     CUT TO:

INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

McFeely and Harris enter.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Remember, don't ask her too many
	questions.

		HARRIS
	Because she will lie?

		FATHER MCFEELY
	No, because her breath smells like
	a horse's ass.

Megan lays tied to the bed post of her bed. Her face is cut
up and twisted, eyes an eerie red. She's hooked up to an
I.V. with a small tube running out of her nose. It's shaped
like a CRAZY STRAW with red fluid going through it. The
straw leads to a cup. "SLURPIE!" Megan is wheezing, heavily.
She wears a tee-shirt that reads, "I went to Hell and all I
got was this stupid t-shirt."

They go to opposite sides of the room. Megan stares
straight ahead.

Father McFeely sees that next to Megan's bed are some
get-well cards, flowers, balloons, and a teddy bear. He
picks up one get-well card: It features a cheesy, happy
cartoon dog saying: "Heard You Were Possessed By The
Devil"... He flips the card open and reads the punch line:
"He Picked One Hell Of A Nice Girl!"

McFeely, shivering, his breath visible, takes the metal
cross from his pocket and kisses it. But it's so cold in the
room that his lips instantly stick to the metal.

He struggles to pull his lips off the cross and finally
manages to painfully tear it off his face.

McFeely makes the sign of the cross to Megan.

		MEGAN
	Shove it up your ass. You worthless
	piece of shit!

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Silence!!

FATHER MCFEELY TOSSES A MINT IN HER MOUTH.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	Look, my child. We've come to help
	you.

Harris looks at Megan. He sits down on a chair besides the
window.

		MEGAN/DEMON
	Your mother's in here with us,
	Harris. Would you like to leave a
	message? I'll see that she gets it.

		HARRIS
	If that's true, then you must know
	my mother's name. What is it?

Megan keeps a sharp stare on Harris. Harris' smile turns to
an angry stare. He rises and moves to her bedside.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	What is it?

Megan leans forward. BLANCHHHH!!! She vomits a disgusting
green bile in Harris' face. Harris wipes it off, coughing.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	That's right. Blanche was my
	mother's name. You are the devil.

Harris tosses holy water on Megan. She falls back, writhing.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	It burns! It burns!

CLOSE ON:

McFeely, holding his crotch.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	Damn Tijuana hooker.

Harris and McFeely begin to pray.

		MCFEELY/HARRIS
	Our Father who art in Heaven...

		MEGAN
	Your mother sucks cock in Hell,
	Harris.

Harris tries to ignore her.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	Oh shit, you gonna take that?

		HARRIS
	What?

		FATHER MCFEELY
	What she said about your mother?

Harris fires back at Megan.

		HARRIS
	Oh, yeah, well your mama got one
	leg and does jumping jacks like this.

He puts his feet together and jumps them from side to side
as he claps his hands over his head.

		MEGAN
	So, your mama's so fat when she
	walks by my bed, it does this.

Her bed bounces and bucks off the floor.

		HARRIS
	What about your mama? Her butt is
	so big, she wipes her ass like this.

He makes an exaggerated movement of putting his hand behind
his head then brings it up high and back down over his face.

The exchange continues with the possessed girl getting the
best of Harris.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Enough! Begone from this child of
	God. I command you by the power of
	the living and the dead...

Megan groaning, flicking her tongue wildly at McFeely.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	... to leave the young servant so
	that she may return to her...

McFeely responds back with the same gesture, then simulates
her giving head, then starts wildly thrusting his pelvis,
simulating sex. Megan falls back on her pillow and moans.

Harris shoots McFeely a hard look.

McFeely stops. Harris continues.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	In the name of the Father, the Son,
	and the Holy Spirit, I cast you out.

McFeely, coughing, hardly able to catch his breath.

Megan on the bed, laughing. Smoke billowing out of her
mouth.

Harris rushes to McFeely.

		HARRIS (CONT'D)
	Father, are you alright?

McFeely nods yes, revealing he's smoking a joint.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	This is some good shit.

He offers a hit to Harris.

		HARRIS
	No thanks.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	My holy water.

Harris gives him the bottle.

McFeely takes a swig.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	Ahhh, that's better.

McFeely splashes some on Harris, playfully.

He clears his throat and starts again, taking turns
splashing the booze on her and taking sips from it.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	The power of Christ compels you!

He splashes her again, then takes a sip.

She roars. Lights flicker. The scary, pale "DEATH HEAD"
flashes over her again. But this time, it's picking its
nose. The "DEATH HEAD" realizes it's seen and quickly pulls
its finger from its nose, trying to look all scary again.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	The power of Christ compels you!

He splashes more booze on her and takes a sip. By this
time, Father McFeely is getting drunk.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
		(slurring)
	The power of Chrishht compelshh
	yooo.

He's stumbling around, splashing the walls.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
		(slurring)
	Power of compelshh Chrishhts you,
	or something...

Suddenly, the girl's straps break and she starts floating
up.

Harris watches in awe. A MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT passes a hoop
over her.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	David Blaine, kiss my ass.

The girl continues to float up into spinning blades out of
the ceiling fan. WHACK! The blades slam into her head,
sending her flying back down on to the bed.

		HARRIS
	Father, I think you should rest.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	No, I'm fine.

He staggers over to the bed, kneels and starts to pray.

Harris exits the room to retrieve his medical bag. He
returns to find McFeely lying unconscious on the bed. Megan,
sitting, quiet looks at McFeely.

Harris rushes over to McFeely.

		HARRIS
	Father!

Harris grabs McFeely and throws him down to the ground.

McFeely's eyes open.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	I must have dozed off.

Harris, caught up in the moment, is oblivious that McFeely
is okay. He starts pounding violently on his chest.

		HARRIS
	No!!!

Harris knee-drops McFeely. His efforts to revive McFeely
resemble a WWF grudge match. Harris diving off of furniture,
slamming down on McFeely. Finally, he checks his pulse. He
thinks McFeely is dead. Harris shouts out at Megan.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Look what you've done!

Megan sits, quietly.

Harris dives on top of Megan and starts choking her.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Take me! Take me!

NEW ANGLE:

McFeely sits up, still drunk and disoriented. He notices
Harris on the bed.

MCFEELY'S POV:

He sees Father Harris on his hands and knees. His robe is
hiked above his waist exposing his naked ass.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Take me! God damn you, take me!

McFeely, now on his feet, smiles as he moves toward Harris.

CLOSE ON:

Harris' face.

It turns to shock and horror. He looks possessed as we hear
the sound of penetration.

		HARRIS  (CONT'D)
	Nooooo!!!!!

Harris dives out the window.

McFeely watches as Harris tumbles down the long staircase.

Megan begins to giggle.

		MEGAN
	You failed, McFeely. Your weapons
	are useless against me.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	You're mistaken my child. The Lord
	has greater weapons than me.

McFeely picks up his bible.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	Hear the word of the Lord and be
	humbled!

McFeely lifts up a crucifix.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	See the cross of the Lord and
	tremble! If ye still not have faith,
	then...

McFeely reaches into his jacket and pulls out a .44 magnum.

		FATHER MCFEELY  (CONT'D)
	... suck on this!!!

Megan's eyes widen.

BLAM!!!

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.

				   SMASH CUT TO:

TITLE CARD

"SCARY MOVIE II"

						     CUT TO:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- DAY -- ESTABLISHING SHOT

The campus is alive as STUDENTS make their way to class.

CLOSE ON:

A souped-up muscle car driving through the parking lot.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

The driver, DWIGHT, a nerdy man between 25-30, glasses,
thinning hair line. He drives recklessly, shouting at the
people in his path as he honks his horn.

		DWIGHT
	Come on. Move it.

A GUY ON CRUTCHES walks in front of the car.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Come on, peg legs. I aint got all
	day.

Dwight whizzes past, causing the man to fall.

Dwight notices a girl in a short skirt.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Hey, sweetie, ever heard of a gym?
	I've seen pool sticks bigger than
	those thighs.

Dwight continues. He finds a parking space, whizzing before
another car that has been waiting to take the space.

Dwight yells at the irate motorist.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Sorry, but the fastest feet win.

Dwight shuts off the engine, and opens the door before he
exits. We see a wheelchair unfold. Dwight hops in. He is
paralyzed from the waist down. His legs dangle, lifeless. On
his feet, a new pair of Air Jordan sneakers.

Dwight wheels around to his trunk. He pops it open and
removes his briefcase and a Razor scooter. He places his
feet on the scooter and rolls the wheelchair with his hands.
Off he goes.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- LATER

In the middle of the campus quad, there is a distinguished
statue of Thomas Jefferson.

PAN DOWN TO REVEAL:

A black woman slave and a bunch of nappy-headed black kids.

A plaque reads: "Once you go black, you never go back"...

Sitting on the base of the statue are CINDY and SHORTY.

		CINDY
	So, do you think you made it into
	the class?

		SHORTY
	I don't know, but I sure hope so.

		CINDY
	You could use the grade, huh?

		SHORTY
	Nah, I need a place to stay. So how
	do you like being in college?

		CINDY
	Okay, I guess. It's so
	intimidating. You know being away
	from home, not knowing anyone. I
	feel like such a geek sometimes.
	Everyone's so cool and I'm so not.

		SHORTY
	Aww, you aint that bad. You just
	need a little flava. First thing we
	gotta do is get you some new gear.

		CINDY
	Huh?

		SHORTY
	Gear. You know, clothing.

		CINDY
	Oh.

		SHORTY
	Let's start with some rhythm. Sway
	back and forth like this.

Shorty demonstrates. Cindy begins to mimic, clumsily.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	Yeah, something like that.
		(then)
	Now, go left, right, left, right,
	crossover kick...

Shorty demonstrates. Cindy follows.

		CINDY
	Left, right, left, right, crossover
	kick...

		SHORTY
	Now you gotta learn the correct
	slang.

Shorty begins to demonstrate.

		CINDY
	Yo! That jacket is tight.

		SHORTY
	Yeah, now go uhn, uhn, uhn!

		CINDY
	Uhn! Uhn! Uhn!

		SHORTY
	Yeah, you feel that? Now put it all
	together.

Cindy now completely rhythmic and soulful, executes the
combination, just as a nicely dressed YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT
passes by.

		CINDY
	Left...

POW!!! Cindy connects with the student's jaw.

CINDY

POW!!! Another crunching blow.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Crossover kick...

Cindy smashes her foot to the face of the student. The
student falls to the ground.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Uhn! That jacket is tight. Now run
	that shit, bitch.

The student nervously gives Cindy her nice leather jacket.

Cindy slaps Shorty high-five.

The student takes off running.

Cindy puts on the jacket and poses in a gangster lean.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Am I cool now?

		SHORTY
	Almost... Look, I gotta bounce.
	I'll holla at you later.

Cindy gives Shorty a hug. They go their separate ways.

						     CUT TO:

INT. MEN'S DORM -- RAY'S ROOM -- LATER

RAY, and his roommate, TOMMY, are getting dressed. Their
friend, BUDDY, waits impatiently.

		BUDDY
	Hey, man, you two boners aren't
	ready yet? We're gonna miss the bus,
	Ray. Coach says if our GPA drops
	below 2 we're off the squad.

		RAY
	Don't worry, we'll make it. Say,
	what do you guys think, tucked in or
	out?

REVEAL:

Ray, naked with his dick tucked between his legs, making it
look like he has a vagina.

		BUDDY/TOMMY
	Out!!!

		RAY
	No doubt. That's what I thought.

Ray and Tommy continue to get dresses. Buddy waits.

		BUDDY
	If you two hadn't been out partying
	last night, you'd be ready by now.

		TOMMY
	It was awesome, dudes. We got
	fucking wasted. I had like a whole
	keg. Dude, I was so shitfaced. I
	woke up naked in a tub of ice.

		RAY
		(laughing)
	I woke up naked, too.

		TOMMY
	Hey, dude, you got a tattoo.

		RAY
	What does it say?

		TOMMY
	It says, "Ray."

		RAY
		(checks Tommy's back)
	Sweet. Hey, you got a tattoo, too.

		TOMMY
	Get out?! What does it say?

		RAY
	"Fucked me."

		TOMMY
	Aww. Cool. Dude.

They read each other's tattoos ala "Dude, Where's My Car?"

		TOMMY  (CONT'D)
	"Ray!"

		RAY
	"Fucked me."

		TOMMY
	"Ray!"

		RAY
	"Fucked me."

		TOMMY/RAY
	"Ray fucked me."

		TOMMY
	Hey!

		RAY
	What?

Buddy gives Tommy a wedgy.

		BUDDY
	Wedgy moment.

		TOMMY
	Totally got me, fuck.

He tries to fix his underwear.

		BUDDY
	Come on, dude. We're gonna be late.

Ray grabs his stuff. He and Buddy exit.

		RAY
	See you later, man.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- DAY

Cindy passes several activity booths. She notices a YOUNG
PRETTY GIRL on the phone, obviously upset. Her name is ALEX.

		ALEX
		(into phone)
	That's it! I don't want to be
	treated like this anymore. It's
	over. Goodbye. Have a nice life.

She hangs up the phone. Cindy approached.

		CINDY
	Are you okay?

		ALEX
	Yeah, I'm fine. I just broke up
	with my boyfriend, that's all.

		CINDY
	That's always tough. How long were
	you together?



		ALEX
	Well, we never made it official, so
	I guess we were technically never
	really boyfriend and girlfriend, but
	I was seeing him in school. I saw
	him at the mall about six months ago
	and I was too nervous to introduce
	myself so I followed him to his car,
	and jotted down the license plate
	number. It was registered to his
	mother, so I went to her house. She
	was so nice. I mean, she seemed like
	she would be nice 'cuz I never
	really spoke to her. I just waited
	til she went to work then I climbed
	in through her window and borrowed
	her phone book. I say borrowed
	because I'm going to give it back
	one day. But anyway, I called
	everyone in it til I found her son.
	He wasn't home when I called so I
	left this message how much in love I
	was with him. I was, and how I
	wanted to have his children. Just
	really opening up, and he never
	called back. I'd call and call, and
	anyway, six months and two
	restraining orders later I just
	decided I deserved better. What
	about you? Do you have a boyfriend?

		CINDY
	No, I haven't dated in a while. My
	last boyfriend's...

Alex interrupts, totally uninterested in Cindy's story.

		ALEX
	Hey, look there. My friend Brenda.

CLOSE ON:

BRENDA is on the financial aid line, standing before the
CASHIER.

		CASHIER
	Okay, here's your loan check. Your
	grant check. Your disability check.
	And oh, a block of government cheese.

		BRENDA
	Thanks.

She steps out of line. We see behind her a HOMELESS MAN,a
WELFARE MOTHER with KIDS, a CRACK ADDICT, etc.

Cindy and Alex approach.

		ALEX
	Hey, Brenda.

		BRENDA
	Do I know you?

		ALEX
	Well, actually, we've never met
	officially, but I bumped into you at
	the cafeteria and you were so sweet.
	I said, "I'm sorry," and you said,
	"Watch it, white bitch, or I'll put
	my size eight in your ass." I
	thought how cool. I wear a size
	eight, too. Anyway, this is my best
	friend, Cindy.

		CINDY
	We already know each other. Hey,
	Brenda.

		BRENDA
	Hey, Cindy. Your friend needs help.

		CINDY
	Actually, I just met her. This is
	Alex.

		BRENDA
	Oh my god. Madam Elsa, my psychic,
	told me I would meet somebody whose
	name starts with a letter of the
	alphabet today.

		CINDY
	Really? That's amazing.

		BRENDA
	Hey girl, that jacket is slamming.

		CINDY
	Thanks.

		BRENDA
	You better be careful. I heard some
	girl got her ass whooped and jacket
	stolen earlier today.
		(off Cindy's look)
	Hey, what class do we have next?

		CINDY
	Psychology.

		ALEX
	Me, too. 101?

		BRENDA
	In room "302" at ten o'clock?

		ALEX
	That's it.

		BRENDA
	Oh, this is too much. I'm gonna
	have to play these numbers. Remind
	me to pick up a Lotto ticket.

The girls take a few steps before Brenda grabs Cindy by the
arm just as they're about to pass an iron post between them.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	Wait, don't split the pole. It's
	bad luck.

Brenda walks around Cindy's side and they go on to class.

		ALEX
	You don't really believe that stuff.

Just then, TWO OTHER STUDENTS split the pole on either side
and are mowed down by a car.

		BRENDA
	Oh yes, girl. After my near-death
	experience, I've become very
	spiritual. I can feel my angels all
	around me, Oh, look a penny...

Brenda picks up the penny. They walk past a fountain.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	That's good luck. Wait, let me make
	a wish and throw it in the fountain.
		(closing her eyes)
	I wish for a lot of money.

She tosses the penny into the fountain.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
		(opening her eyes)
	Oh, look, it worked.

She reaches down in the fountain and grabs both hands full
of coins.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	God is good, y'all

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A SHORT TIME
LATER

						     CUT TO:

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- CONTINUOUS

A STUDENT walks up a flight of steps through a set of
swinging doors.

He sees Dwight coming towards the doors in his wheelchair.

		STUDENT
	There you go my man.

		DWIGHT
	Hey, pal, I can handle a door by
	myself.

		STUDENT
	Fine.

The student let the doors go. They swing, smashing into
Dwight, sending him flying. ANOTHER YOUNG STUDENT rushes to
help.

		STUDENT #2
	Are you okay? Let me help you to
	the handicapped ramp.

		DWIGHT
	I am not handicapped! I can use the
	steps like anyone else.

Dwight wheels himself over to the stairs. He successfully
navigates one step then goes tumbling violently down the
rest.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	That's one more than last week!

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING - PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S OFFICE - A SHORT
TIME LATER

Dwight and PROFESSOR OLDMAN, 50's, distinguished, are
present.

		DWIGHT
	I finished all the interviews.

		PROFESSOR
	Let me see the files.

		DWIGHT
	They're on top of the bookshelf.
	I'll get them.

Dwight wheels himself over to a bookshelf. As he attempts
to retrieve the folder, the professor moves to assist him.

		PROFESSOR
	Let me help you.

		DWIGHT
	I don't need your help. I'm
	perfectly capable.

Dwight climbs the bookshelf, reaches the top, and lifts up
the folder. Just then, the bookshelf topples over on top of
Dwight. His hand extends from the mess, holding the folder.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Here you go, Professor.

		PROFESSOR
	Are these all the subjects?

Dwight, disheveled, glasses bent, gets back in his
wheelchair and makes his way over to the Professor.

		DWIGHT
	Yes. The scored all over the
	Kiersey Temperment Sorter just like
	you asked for.

		PROFESSOR
	Any of them hot?

Dwight rolls his eyes.

		DWIGHT
	I also took the liberty of putting
	those with near-death experiences on
	top.

		PROFESSOR
	Good thinking, Dwight. Traumatized
	co-eds are a sure thing.

		DWIGHT
		(dripping with
		contempt)
	As I am sure you are aware,
	Professor, subjects who are close to
	death are statistically more likely
	to have the suggestibility required
	for paranormal investigation, which
	is, of course, why I've given them
	special consideration.

		PROFESSOR
	Look, whatever you say, kid, but
	the more they're hurtin', the more
	they need a squirtin', if you know
	what I mean.
		(then, off Cindy's
		picture)
	Ooh, I like her.

		DWIGHT
	Cindy Campbell. Classic abandoned
	personality disorder. She seems
	guarded, but willing to do this.

		PROFESSOR
	Willing? I like that.
		(then, off Ray's
		picture)
	And, this one?

		DWIGHT
	That's Ray Williams. I couldn't
	quite figure him out, but he seemed
	very eager and excited when we met.

		PROFESSOR
	What's this?

Professor holds up another photo of Ray. In this one, he's
got his shirt off and his thumbs hooked in his jeans'
pockets.

		DWIGHT
	Oh, that's the picture he sent me
	after our interview.

The Professor continues looking at the pictures and files
of Shorty, Ray, Brenda, and Cindy.

		PROFESSOR
	Car accident, gun shot, multiple
	stabbings, a hook through the
	back... Where did you find these
	kids?

		DWIGHT
	They are the survivors of the
	Steveston County massacre.

		PROFESSOR
	Fantastic. These kids are exactly
	the kind of catalyst needed to
	awaken Hell House.

		DWIGHT
	How are we going to get them all up
	there?

		PROFESSOR
	I'll make it part of the class.
	We'll tell them they're
	participating in a study on sleep
	disorders.

		DWIGHT
	And what happens when all hell
	breaks loose?

		PROFESSOR
	We record and document it. We're
	gonna make history, Dwight.  The
	first documented, unrefuted evidence
	of life after death. The book sales
	alone will be worth millions. I'll
	be rich, and you my friend, will
	have one hell of a thesis paper.
	Now, what time is orientation?

		DWIGHT
	In about fifteen minutes.

		PROFESSOR
	Remember, Dwight, not a word to
	anyone.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy, Ray and a couple of other guys are horsing around.

Smiling, Buddy, flicks a guy's ear. Slaps ANOTHER'S hat.
They all take it good and naturally return the friendly
abuse.

		BUDDY
	Whoa! Who laid one?

		RAY
	Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Buddy hits Ray in the chest.

		BUDDY
	Open chest.

Ray returns.

		RAY
	Loose nuts. You better hide them.

Ray stands grabbing the guy's crotch. Everyone stops
laughing.

		RAY  (CONT'D)
	What? You guys don't know this game?

The girls walk past, interrupting the moment.

		BUDDY
	Dude, look out.

Ray turns. He and Cindy collide. Her books fall to the
ground. Ray, not recognizing her, bends down to help her
with her things. Their eyes meet. They are both shocked to
see each other.

		CINDY
	I'm sorry, I should have been
	watching where I...

		RAY
	It's okay.

		CINDY
	Oh, my God, Ray! What are you doing
	here?

		RAY
	It's the sequel.

		CINDY
	Oh, right.

		RAY
	Listen, no need for you to worry.
	All that stuff that happened before
	is behind us. Let's just try to move
	on.

		CINDY
	I am.  So just do me a favor and
	stay away from me.

Cindy storms into class.

Brenda pushes through the guys. She sees Ray. Their eyes
lock.

		RAY
	Hello Brenda.

		BRENDA
	Hello Ray.

Though guarded, we can see they still have feelings for one
another.

Brenda hurries into the classroom.

						     CUT TO:

INT. PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS

The Professor addresses the class: Cindy, Alex, Brenda,
Shorty, Dwight, Ray, Buddy, and THEO.

		PROFESSOR
	Welcome everyone. I'm Professor
	Oldman. All of you have been
	carefully selected to be in this
	class. This course is very unique in
	that each semester my students take
	part in a bona fide study for which
	they receive an automatic grade of
	"A" upon completion. This semester's
	study is insomnia. All of you have
	some kind of sleep disorder that we
	will attempt to resolve or at least
	find the origin to.

THEO, a striking looking woman who is drop-dead gorgeous,
with a body to match, raises her hand.

		THEO
		(standing)
	Excuse me, but I don't have a sleep
	disorder.

		PROFESSOR
	It's okay. You have a "D-cup."
	You're in the right place.

Theo sits.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	My assistant, Dwight, will be
	passing out directions to everyone.

Dwight rolls over to the desk, picks up some papers, then
rolls over to a few steps.

		CINDY
	Would you like me to help you pass
	them back?

		DWIGHT
	I don't need your help.

Dwight tips over in the wheelchair and falls hard against
the floor. Everyone is taken aback. Crawling, Dwight passes
out the papers. Everyone reaches down to collect one from
him.

		PROFESSOR
	You should arrive no later than 6PM
	tonight, and plan to be there until
	Monday. That's it for now. I'll see
	you all this evening.

Class ends. Everyone exits. Buddy notices Cindy has left
her book. He grabs it and goes after her.

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALL -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy catches up to Cindy.

		BUDDY
	Hey, you left your book back there.

		CINDY
	Thanks. I'm Cindy.

Buddy hands her the book. The cover reads "Dummies Guide to
the Paranormal."

		BUDDY
	So, I see you're really into spooks.

		CINDY
	No. I never date outside my race.

		BUDDY
	I meant you're into ghosts.

		CINDY
	Oh, yeah. I'm just curious about
	that kind of stuff.

		BUDDY
	So it looks like we're going to be
	spending the weekend together.

		CINDY
	Yeah.

		BUDDY
	Maybe we can study together or
	something.

		CINDY
	I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem really
	nice, but I'm just getting over a
	really bad relationship, and I'm not
	ready to start dating yet.

Buddy looks disappointed.

		CINDY (CONT'D)
	But, hey, maybe we can be friends.

		BUDDY
		(excited)
	Sure, that would be cool. Friends.

		CINDY
		(playfully)
	Okay. See you later, friend.

She turns to walk away. Buddy notices the top of her
panties, grabs and yanks them up.

		BUDDY
	Wedgy!!!

Cindy hears the ripping sounds and feels the burn. She
turns to see Buddy running away.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Smell you later! Ha! Ha!

Cindy smiles.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY

A small car drives by.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, singing along with the radio. She sounds terrible.
The song stops.

		V.O. RADIO
	Hey, will you shut the fuck up and
	let me sing?!

Cindy, embarrassed, stops singing. The song starts up
again. Cindy checks the address as she drives up.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy's car makes it's way up a long driveway.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy walks up carrying luggage.

CLOSE ON:

Door. Cindy grabs the knocker.

REVEAL:

The knocker is a set of balls hanging from a bronzed male
figure on the door. She slams them hard against the door.

No answer. She bangs the knocker again. Still no answer.
She pushed against the door. It opens, slowly.

						     CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy enters, walking through the house. She makes herself
at home, nosing into things she shouldn't and speaking in
general to no one.

		CINDY
	Hello?

She walks over to an answering machine and hits "play."

		ANSWERING MACHINE
	No new messages.

		CINDY
	Anybody home?

She puts that down and moves a couple of pieces on a chess
board.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Checkmate. Hello?

She takes a bite off a half eaten sandwich and drinks the
last of a glass of milk.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Hello?

She deliberately knocks over a domino and sets off an
elaborate carefully planned layout.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Is anybody here?

She digs through the cushions of a chair and pockets some
change.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	I was told there'd be somebody here.

She opens a couple of pieces of mail and reads it, then...

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Hello? Your test results are in.

Cindy continues walking through a swinging door and finds
HANSON, a well-dressed man, middle-aged, with a short arm
and a little hand. He's in the middle of preparing food. He
holds a meat cleaver in his hand as he turns toward her.
Cindy is startled.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Oh my God! I'm here with the...

		HANSON
	Yes, Professor Oldman's group.
	Forgive me. I didn't mean to
	frighten you.

He puts down the cleaver, and moves his hand towards
Cindy's face.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	My aren't you a lovely child.

Hanson strokes her face. Cindy fakes a strained smile.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
		(tapping her nose)
	And what is your name?

Cindy, almost cross-eyed, watching his finger.

		CINDY
	I'm Cindy.

		HANSON
		(extending his hand)
	I'm Hanson the caretaker.

Cindy reluctantly shakes his hand.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	I'll show you to your room. Let me
	help you with that.

He grabs the luggage.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Whoa, that's heavy. I better use my
	strong hand.

He grabs the luggage with his little hand. The bag opens,
spilling all of Cindy's items over the floor.

		HANSON.
	I'm so sorry. I'll get them.

As Hanson retrieves the items with his little hand; a
toothbrush, underwear, and other personal effects, Cindy
looks on in horror.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- LATER

A makeshift lab as been set-up with monitors and other high
tech equipment.

Dwight and the Professor discuss the project. Dwight is
wearing a brand new pair of roller blades.

		DWIGHT
	I have taken care of everything,
	including medical supplies and blood
	storage. We want to be safe.

		PROFESSOR
	Right. What about condoms?

		DWIGHT
	Professor!

		PROFESSOR
	Hey, you're the one who brought up
	safety. I'm perfectly willing to go
	in raw.

		DWIGHT
	Would you please focus?

		PROFESSOR
	Fine.
		(then)
	What's all this stuff?

		DWIGHT
	Well, this measures the amount of
	thermal imbalance within a room down
	to the tiniest molecular
	disturbances.

The Professor is distracted by a bank of monitors.

		PROFESSOR
	Are those cameras all throughout
	the house?

		DWIGHT
	Yes, I thought that it would be
	best.

		PROFESSOR
	Even in the bathroom?

DWIGHT GESTURES TO A MONITOR

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	So, if one of our little chickadees
	is taking a shower which one of
	these buttons do I press to get a
	close-up?

		DWIGHT
		(annoyed)
	That one.

		PROFESSOR
	After dinner, you and I will take
	shifts throughout the night. I don't
	want to chance miss anything.

		HANSON
	Excuse me, sir, but the students
	have started to arrive. Dinner will
	be ready shortly.

		DWIGHT
	Thanks, handyman.

		HANSON
	I'm the caretaker, not the handyman.
		(off Dwight's
		footwear)
	Nice skates. Be careful. You don't
	want to fall and break something.

Hanson exits before Dwight can respond.

		PROFESSOR
	I'm going to change for dinner.
	I'll see you shortly.

		DWIGHT
	Sounds good. I'm just going to run
	up to my room. Hop in the shower.
	Jump into my jogging suit, and I'll
	be right there.

The Professor exits.

						     CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT

Cindy enters. Ray, Shorty, Professor, Dwight, Alex, Brenda
and Buddy are all already gathered.

		CINDY
		(excitedly)
	Hi guys.

		GROUP
		(barely noticing
		Cindy)
	Hey. What's Up? Un huh.

Theo enters the room. Everyone stares.

		THEO
	Hey guys!

		GROUP
		(excited)
	Hi Theo!

BUDDY APPROACHES CINDY

		CINDY
		(smiling)
	Hi Buddy.

		BUDDY
	Open chest!!!

Buddy punches her in the chest. Cindy goes flying.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Gotta be quicker than that, "A-cup!"

Cindy staggers to her feet.

		THEO
	Well, are you boys just gonna stand
	there with your mouths open, or is
	somebody gonna offer me a seat?

Cindy sits just as Buddy unknowingly grabs the chair from
under her to give to Theo.

Cindy crashes to the floor.

THEO

Many chairs are pushed in front of her including Dwight's
wheelchair.

REVEAL:

Dwight sitting on Ray's lap.

		DWIGHT
		(referring to his
		wheelchair)
	It's the best seat in the house. I
	warmed it up for you.

		RAY
	Second best.

Theo sits next to the Professor.

Cindy and Dwight reseat themselves.

		CINDY
	Professor, is this the same house
	that a young girl was possessed by a
	demon or something?

		PROFESSOR
	Yes, it was reported, but never
	substantiated.

		SHORTY
	Yeah, just like that charges
	regarding me and that blind Haitian
	girl.

		BRENDA
	Pass me the salt.

Brenda tosses a handful of salt over her shoulder. It goes
into Dwight's face.

		DWIGHT
	Hey, what are you doing?

		BRENDA
	Keepin' evil spirits away. And if
	that don't work I always got this.

Brenda pulls out a gun and cocks it.

		PROFESSOR
	Not to worry. There's been no
	reported activity in the house for
	over twenty years.

		DWIGHT
	Let's not forget, folks, this is a
	study on sleep disorders.

		PROFESSOR
	Ah, yes, which reminds me, who here
	thinks they'd wake up if somebody
	snuck into their room and started
	sniffing between their legs?

Hanson rolls in a cart filled with a variety of food,
including a huge turkey.

		BUDDY
	Enough spooky stuff. Let's eat.

		BRENDA
	Well ain't we gonna bless this food
	first?

		ALEX
	Allow me... God is good, God is
	great, but not all the time.
	Sometimes he could be a real
	asshole, because it seems as though
	every time I try to establish a
	relationship with him, he never
	returns my calls. I've been praying
	for twenty-four years and I haven't
	heard his voice yet. Not one message
	on my answering machine. Your
	miracles don't impress me. It's your
	quality time I want. So, if you hear
	me, and I know you're up there,
	thanks for the food. It's the least
	you can do. In Jesus' name, don't
	let me get started on him, Amen.

Alex looks up to see everyone staring in awe.

		HANSON
	Anyone care for appetizers?

Everyone chimes in their request.

Hanson removes the long napkin draped over his arm,
revealing his short arm and little hand with its stubby
fingers. He uses this hand to hold the tray of appetizers.
He offers some to the Professor.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Finger food?

Hanson walks around the table with the tray, offering.
Everybody reaches to take one. They realize that the
appetizers look creepily like Hanson's fingers. Cindy breaks
the tension and reaches for a roll.

		CINDY
	How about these buns?

		RAY
	Yeah, they're so warm and soft.

		BUDDY
	Ray!!!

Ray pulls his finger from Buddy's ass. POP!

		RAY
	Oh, my bad.

		HANSON
	Sure, I'll just set them down and
	you can help yourself.

Everyone grabs a roll. Cindy takes a big bite.

		CINDY
	Ummm!! They smell delicious.

		HANSON
	Thanks. I made them by hand.

Everyone drops their rolls. Cindy spits a mouthful into her
napkin.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	The potatoes are just about ready.
	Let me just go whip them up real
	good.

He whips the potatoes. His knuckles dip into the bowl,
covering them with potatoes. Hanson licks his knuckles.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Ah, that's good. Dig in.

Hanson places the bowl on the table.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	And now for the turkey.

		RAY
	Say, what do you say you let me do
	that? You just relax. You've done
	enough.

		HANSON
	Oh, nonsense. It's my pleasure.

Hanson raises a large knife, then rests his little hand on
the turkey to hold it steady.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	You know, making a turkey is a real
	art. The trick is in the stuffing. A
	lot of people are afraid to get
	their hands dirty. Not me. When I
	stuff it, I like to get the whole
	hand up in there. And you know I use
	a secret ingredient in the
	stuffing...

Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a
crippled white glove on the box.

Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues
to tear up the turkey.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Who's first? Anyone like a wing?

		DWIGHT
	Yours, or the turkeys?

		HANSON
	I supposed you'd like a leg. How
	about two?

		DWIGHT
	That's it. I'm gonna put my food in
	your ass. I should warn you, I'm a
	black belt in karate.

Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit
lying on the floor with one leg up in a pose.

		HANSON
	You don't scare me. I was a Golden
	Gloves champion.

Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a
boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on
his little hand.

		PROFESSOR
	Relax, Dwight.
		(then)
	I got an idea.
		(to Hanson)
	Is there anything you didn't make?

		HANSON
	Well, the dessert. I ordered out.

		PROFESSOR
	Great. What do you say we just skip
	the heavy stuff and go straight to
	the dessert?

		HANSON
	Well, I guess if that's what you
	all wish.

Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a
large cream pie.

Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone
watches to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't.

Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate.

Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks
his finger in the pie.

		BUDDY
	My germs!

He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite
Dwight sticks his finger in the pie.

		DWIGHT
	My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone laughs.

The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when...

Hanson shoves his finger in the pie.

		HANSON
	My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the
table.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
		(licking his fingers)
	Funny, I always win that game.

						DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after
dinner beverages.

THEO

She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys.

		THEO
	What can I get for you, boys?

		SHORTY
	Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach."

		THEO
	Professor?

		PROFESSOR
	Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm."

		THEO
	Ray, what do you want?

		RAY
	Balls on My Chin...
		(off their reactions)
	What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine,
	give me a "Mud Slide."

Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone
with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping
bottles of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between
her legs. She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her
back and starts spinning the bottles on her big tits!

		CINDY
	Professor, what's the history of
	this house?

		PROFESSOR
	I'm glad you asked. It actually
	makes for a pretty good bedtime
	story.

The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted
House." He sits in front of the fireplace.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Gather around.

Everyone gathers around the fireplace.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	This house was built in 1898 by a
	man named Archibald Keaton as a gift
	to his wife, Cora.

		BRENDA
	Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora...
	Keaton... I am here to communicate...

		PROFESSOR
	No, they sold the house in 1920 to
	a millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth.

		BRENDA
	Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his
	evil presence.

		PROFESSOR
	No, he lost the house after the
	stock market crash.

		BRENDA
	But he could still be haunting the
	house. He's angry that he had to
	leave.

		PROFESSOR
	He's not dead, you idiot. He lives
	in Florida. Now, shut up and let me
	finish.

Brenda, sheepishly, sits down. NEW ANGLE:

GHOST'S POV of the group.

It moves slowly towards them.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Anyway, the last owner was a very
	rich man who built his empire off
	the blood and sweat of the people in
	this town. He lived like a king
	until one day the servants of the
	house killed him.

A log in the fireplace snaps, startling everyone.

		BRENDA
	I think there's more to the story.
	I can feel something evil in the
	house. It's all around. In the wall,
	the floor, this piano...

She strums the wire keys. One snaps and smacks her in the
head.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	Ouch!!

		CINDY
	Brenda, are you okay? Come sit.

		BRENDA
	No, you don't understand. It's here
	in these statues...

She touches two statues, holding lights. They smash her in
the head. She staggers over to a Cuckoo clock.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	This clock...

The clock strikes twelve. The bird shoots out and pecks her
in the face. She falls into a mirror.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	This mirror...

Her own reflection punches her in the face.

Brenda sails against the wall. She sees a collection of
swords and knives displayed on the wall.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	These...

The knives start to rumble.

		GROUP
	NO!!!

		BRENDA
	You're right. Not in the knives.

She turns to see on the adjacent wall, antique guns.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	It's in the guns.

BLAM! The gun fires. Brenda goes down.

		DWIGHT
	My God! Is she dead?

		PROFESSOR
	No, they're just powder burns,
	thank God. They were empty. Get her
	upstairs.

		ALEX
	Maybe this house is possessed.

		PROFESSOR
	No such thing. What you all
	witnessed was psychosomatic, purely
	self-induced reactions brought on by
	hysteria. Now I want everyone to get
	some rest. We will start our testing
	in the morning.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

The wind howls. Doors and windows rattle. A full moon
shines overhead.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- NIGHT

The Professor speaks into a tape recorder.

		PROFESSOR
	The group responded beyond
	expectation. Cindy and Brenda seemed
	most susceptible to the suggestion
	of horror. Brenda exhibiting both
	delusion and hysteria. Group fear
	should manifest itself and intensify
	as the night progresses.

Dwight is reviewing the video tapes from earlier. He
notices an image on the tape.

		DWIGHT
	Professor, I think you should see
	this.

		PROFESSOR
	What is it? Some tits? A beaver
	shot? What?

		DWIGHT
	No, these are the tapes from the
	living room. Check this out.

Dwight rewinds the tape. We see Brenda being attacked.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	The image there.

		PROFESSOR
	Are you sure it's not the tape?

		DWIGHT
	I don't think so. It's on all the
	cameras, and check this out. The
	thermal readings inside the house
	dropped ten degrees when the image
	was recorded.

		PROFESSOR
	Congratulations, Dwight, it's begun.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- LATER

Cindy walks past a bird cage. She notices the little bird
is dead.

		CINDY
	Oh no, little bird.

Cindy gently removes the bird from his cage.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy enters, lifts up the toilet seat, and is about to
flush the little bird when Shorty walks in holding a cigar
box.

		SHORTY
	Oh, my bad.

He notices the bird.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	Aww, the little bird died.

		CINDY
	Yeah, I didn't know what else to do.

		SHORTY
		(looking at the
		cigar box)
	Hey, I got an idea.

						     CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE ON:

Open cigar box.

We see little bones being tossed into the box.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

Cindy and Shorty eating the fried bird.

		CINDY
	That was a great idea, Shorty.

		SHORTY
	I told you it would taste just like
	chicken.

Cindy and Shorty finish eating, and toss the final bones in
the box. Cindy closes the box, She notices something strange
in the kitchen.

NEW ANGLE:

All the cabinet doors are open and the chairs are stacked
on the table.

		CINDY:
		(to Shorty)
	Did you do that?

		SHORTY
	Uh, uh.

		CINDY
	You better go get Dwight and the
	Professor.

Shorty exits.

						     CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty returns with the Professor and Dwight.

Cindy finishes drawing something on the floor.

		PROFESSOR
	Alright, Cindy, what's so important?

		CINDY
	Professor, you guys gotta see this.
	Dwight, come here.

Cindy grabs Dwight's chair, places him in a circle on the
floor. In front of the circle are arrows pointing to the
wall.

		DWIGHT
	What the hell are you doing?

		CINDY
	Just wait, you'll see.

A BEAT

Dwight's chair moves by itself, slamming Dwight head first
into the wall.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
		(excited)
	Yippie! Wasn't that amazing?

		PROFESSOR
	It's some kind of energy field. We
	better record this.

		CINDY
	Got my camera right here.

Professor grabs Dwight's chair. Dwight is still dazed as he
is placed back in the circle. Again, his chair flies
forward, slamming him into the wall.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	I got it!

		PROFESSOR
	That's fantastic. Our first
	phenomenon. This is going to be a
	great weekend. You guys better get
	some sleep. Dwight and I will take
	over from here.

						     CUT TO:

INT. DARK HALLWAY -- LATER

GHOST POV:

It moves through the hallway to Theo's room.

INT. THEO'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Ghost CAM finds Theo sitting at the vanity table removing
her makeup.

Theo senses something. She looks around.

		THEO
	Hello, hello?

She shrugs and continues to remove her make-up.

Theo notices a pimple.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Damn.

SPLAT!!! Goo hits the mirror as she pops the pimple.

GHOST'S REACTION.

Theo reaches for a brush. As she looks down the mirror is
tipped-up by the ghost. She doesn't notice.

Theo looks up and notices something else. There's a booger
in her nose.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Oh, my. How long has that been
	there?

She picks her nose and flicks the booger.

The booger lands on the ghost. We see it shaking wildly as
the ghost tries to get it off.

Theo lifts her foot up and cracks her toes. She examines
her feet.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Oh, I need a pedicure.

She looks on the table for something.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Shit, forgot my clippers. Aw, fuck
	it.

She raises her foot to her mouth and bites her toenail.

		GHOST (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Ugh.

		THEO
	Huh? Who said that?

Theo gets up and locks her door.

Not knowing the ghost is behind her, she turns and faces
him.

GHOST POV:

Theo unhooks her bra.

CLOSE ON:

The bra. As it hits the floor we see two false breasts fall
out.

REVEAL:

Theo's real breasts are saggy.

Theo scratches her breasts under, on top, and around the
nipples until she's satisfied.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Ahhh, that's better.

She walks past the ghost still scratching, this time under
her arm.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Whew, not fresh are we?

By now, the ghost is ready to give up. From his POV we see
he doesn't follow Theo.

Theo bends over to get something out of her bag.

GHOST POV:

Theo's perfect ass.

He makes his move.

The Ghost CAMERA moves in on Theo's ass.

Just as he's about to attack, Theo farts, loudly, releasing
a translucent green gas that makes the ghost sickened face
visible for an instant.

The Ghost, waving in front of his nose.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Whew. I was holding that one in all
	day.

She stands and turns. We see she's holding a box of tampons.

That's it. The ghost takes off running, slamming the door
behind him.

						     CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT

Cindy is walking to her bedroom.

Suddenly, she hears someone whispering her name.

		VOICE
	Cindy... Cindy Cindy.

She stops and listens.

		VOICE  (CONT'D)
	Cindy... Cindy...

		CINDY
	Who is it? Who are you?

		VOICE
	Help us Cindy. Help us.

		CINDY
	Help you how?

		VOICE
	Check the music room.

The voice disappears.

		CINDY
	Where are you?

NEW ANGLE:

Buddy, walking down the hallway, tossing a football in the
air, sees Cindy.

		BUDDY
	Hey Cindy.

She turns.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Think fast.

Buddy fires the football.

BONK!!! The ball beans Cindy right in the head. She goes
down.

Buddy approaches.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Dude, you suck.

Cindy staggers to her feet.

		CINDY
	You know, Buddy, about this
	friendship thing...

		BUDDY
	Yeah, it's great, isn't it. I think
	it's so cool... have a girl as a
	friend.

		CINDY
	That's just it, Buddy. I'm a girl.
	You can't be so rough with me.

		BUDDY
	Then what kinda stuff can we do?

		CINDY
	Gentle stuff like talking, sharing
	thoughts and ideas, secrets and past
	experiences. Stuff like that, you
	know.

		BUDDY
	It sounds gay, but guess since
	you're a girl it's okay, huh?

		CINDY
	Yeah, it will be fine. I wanna
	check something out.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Will you come with me?

		BUDDY
		(sweetly)
	Sure. We can practice talking.

		CINDY
		(smiling)
	Okay.

INT. MUSIC ROOM -- SHORT TIME LATER

Cindy and Buddy enter. Buddy's in the middle of a story.

		BUDDY
	So, this hot Spanish chick is
	licking my balls and I'm
	fingerbanging her, right, just
	then...

CINDY, ANNOYED

		CINDY
	Buddy...

		BUDDY
	Wait, I'm just about to tell you
	the best part.

Cindy notices something on the floor.

		CINDY
	Oh my God. Look.

Bloodied footprints.

		BUDDY
	Dude, somebody's on the rag.

		CINDY
	Shhh!

Buddy and Cindy follow the footsteps.

They lead to a secret passage.

Cindy opens it to REVEAL a secret room.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY -- CONTINUOUS

It's an old, dark creepy study. Shelves of dust covered
with books, several paintings on the wall, an old wooden
desk.

		CINDY
	It must be a private study, or
	something.

Cindy finds an old newspaper.

Headline: "Servants Kill Hugh Kane." There's a picture of
HUGH KANE and an article on the killing.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	There's more to the story of this
	house than the Professor told us. It
	says here that Hugh Kane had a wife
	who died mysteriously a week before
	the servants killed him.

Buddy looks at the painting on the wall. He wipes away the
dust exposing the face.

The painting is of a woman. It looks like Cindy. She's
wearing a pendant around her neck.

		BUDDY
	Whoa, check this out. She looks
	like you.

		CINDY
	Wow, she's beautiful. You really
	think she looks like me?

		BUDDY
	Her hair doesn't have as many split
	ends at yours. Her skin isn't as
	oily as yours, either. Also,
	sometimes your eyes get kinda
	squinty and they look like you might
	have Down's Syndrome or something.
	Otherwise the resemblance is uncanny.

Cindy is feeling terrible about herself now. For a moment
we think the criticism is done.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Oh yeah... another difference is
	she looks more sophisticated and
	classy. More feminine. And her tits
	are perfect. Not pointy and funny
	looking, or spaced too far apart...

		CINDY
		(annoyed)
	Alright!

Cindy finds a small chest, ornately decorated. The name
"Carolyn" inscribed on it.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Buddy, look at this. I think it
	belonged to her.

Suddenly, a loud noise.

Cindy and Buddy nearly jump out of their skin.

REVEAL:

A BLACK CAT.

		BUDDY
	Come on, let's get out of here.
	This place is giving me the creeps.

Cindy grabs the chest and they exit.

INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

The room is dark. The only light is the moonlight. Brenda
stirs in bed. Ray is next to her.

		RAY
	Shhh... It's okay.

		BRENDA
	Ray, have you been here all this
	time?

		RAY
	I just wanted to make sure you were
	okay.

		BRENDA
	I'm fine. Just a few bruises.

		RAY
	So, I guess I can go now.

		BRENDA
	No, stay.

		RAY
	You sure?

		BRENDA
	Yeah, I think I'll feel better
	sleeping in the arms of a strong man.

		RAY
	Yeah, me too.

Brenda gives a confused look.

		BRENDA
	I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be
	right back.

Brenda exits.

Ray sits on the bed for a moment. He notices a clown doll
sitting in a rocking chair across the room. The moonlight
gives the clown face an eerie glow.

Ray takes off his shirt and tosses it at the clown,
covering its face an causing the chair to rock.

Ray gets down and does a few push-ups.

CLOSE ON:

The door. A fog-like mist comes into the room. Ray feels a
chill and checks the thermostat.

		RAY
	Damn, it's cold.

Ray goes to retrieve his shirt. He notices the clown is
gone.

Ray looks around and doesn't see the clown doll anywhere.

Suddenly, a rustling noise comes from under the bed.

Ray's breathing, quickens. He knows where he must now look.
Ray slowly lowers himself head first to the floor of the
bed, in preparation to look under it.

He very, very carefully lifts the dust ruffle and lets the
top of his head touch the rug. Ray is upside-down as he
looks into the darkness under his bed.

Under the bed. The clown is there, face to face with him,
smiling sardonically.

In the split-second it takes for a child to draw a breath
and let it out through the vocal chords, the clown wraps its
five foot extension arms around Ray's neck, cutting off half
his air.

WIDE ANGLE HIGH.

Struggling now for his life, Ray is dragged helplessly
under the bed and out of sight. Under the bed we hear a
struggle, followed by the evil laugh of the clown.

		CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!

		RAY (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Oh, you want to play!

We hear more struggling.

		CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Hey, stop that? Homey don't play
	that.

The clown attempts to climb from under the bed, only to be
dragged back under by Ray. Now we hear Ray laughing,
maniacally.

		RAY (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!

		CLOWN DOLL (V.O.) (V.O.)
	No! No! Noooooo!!!

INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Brenda enters to find Ray out of breath, and buckling his
pants.

		BRENDA
	Are you okay? I thought I heard
	screaming.

		RAY
	Oh, I'm fine... just clowning
	around.

ANGLE ON:

The clown doll. His pants are down by his ankles. His head
turns to the camera. His smile is gone, replaced by a frown.
A single tear is running down his face.

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

The window blows open. Curtains flutter in the wind.

Alex sleeping. Her head back, her mouth open. She snores,
lightly, unaware of the presence in the room. A breeze
brushes past her causing her hair to move. Alex remains
asleep.

CLOSE ON:

ALEX

The ghost pulls up her t-shirt to reveal a pair of perfect
breasts.

Her breasts get squeezed at the base, and bulge out like
water balloons, but she still doesn't wake up.

The GHOST continues kissing her neck.

Alex moans, still sleeping.

CLOSE ON:

ALEX'S FACE:

Her mouth opens wider. We see a growing indentation in her
cheek as if something is going in and out of her mouth.

Suddenly, Alex's eyes open. She sits up and tries to speak.

		ALEX
	Mmph! Mmph!

The back of her head stretches to the shape of a penis.

Alex struggles with the force, finally breaking free.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Somebody help! Help!

The ghost pins her to the bed and attacks her. Throwing her
arms over her head, Alex screams.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
		(startled)
	Ah!

Then throwing her legs behind her head, she screams again.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Oh! Okay.

The ghost starts fucking Alex. He's very rough and dominate.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
		(intrigued)
	Oh, my God. Yes! Yes!

The ghost drags her up the wall and over a portrait of a
solemn looking man.

Then Alex's butt slides over his face and the man is now
smiling.

The ghost drags her across the ceiling and crashes her head
into the light fixture.

The sexual Olympics continue as she spider-walks down the
wall and is dragged across the floor, smoke comes up from
beneath her.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Oooh. Oooh. Rug burn. Rug burn.

The ghost gets Alex back to the bed and flips her over to
reveal tire skid marks down her back.

Still the sexcapades continue.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

The bedroom window is totally fogged over when Alex's hand
hits it and slides down the glass ala TITANIC.

						     CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun.

Alex lays disheveled on the bed.

		ALEX
		(desperate)
	Call me.

The door slams.

Alex lights a cigarette.

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is
startled by the sound of the door creaking open.

		CINDY
		(nervous)
	Who's there?

The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin'
	girl?

The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his
claw out with the gesture.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Huh?

Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her
throat.

Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet.

The cat lands and pounces right back.

Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it
crashing into a table which smashes into pieces.

Cindy and the cat circle each other.

The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding
the jagged side out towards Cindy.

The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning
her down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into
Cindy's face.

Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth
gritting with effort.

Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now
looks worried.

Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on
top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat.

The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself.

Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and
throws some of the sand in Cindy's eyes.  The cat then picks
up a chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on
her back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But
Cindy manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder.

Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door.

REVEAL:

His eye peeking through the keyhole.

Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough
hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob.

		CINDY
		(screaming)
	Somebody help me!

Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save
her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Here, kitty, kitty. Look...

Cindy plays with the yarn.

The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Go get it.

Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The
cat leaps after it, falling to its death.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn.

Theo rushes to her.

		THEO
	Are you okay?

		CINDY
	I think so.

		THEO
	Come on. We better get you cleaned
	up.

						     CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT -- SHORT TIME LATER

Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of
tea.

		CINDY
	I'm telling you, it was possessed.

		PROFESSOR
	Theo, did you see the animal?

		THEO
	No, I just heard the commotion, and
	when I got there I guess it was gone.

		CINDY
	What, you think I did this to
	myself?

		PROFESSOR
	No, I'm just saying cats are known
	to be very territorial animals, and
	it is likely it did attack, but it
	doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe
	the two of you should sleep together.

		CINDY
	What are you getting at, Professor?

		PROFESSOR
	Only that if this cat did attack,
	he's less likely to come back if the
	two of you were, let's say,
	together. Come on, it's college.
	Time for you two to experiment.

		THEO
	Cindy, I don't think we're going to
	get any help here.

		PROFESSOR
	Actually, I'd be more than willing
	to walk you through it.

		THEO
	Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're
	tucked in.

Theo and Cindy rise to exit.

		PROFESSOR
	Good idea, and don't forget to give
	her a good-night kiss.

		CINDY
	There's something going on in this
	house. I'm not crazy.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo.

		THEO
	Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door
	if you need me.

		CINDY
	Thanks, I'll be fine.

Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a
picture has fallen off the night stand.

Cindy places it back on the nightstand.

Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture
fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key
hidden in the frame.

Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea.

Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study
form beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and
turns it.

The chest opens.

Cindy finds several items.

Pictures of Carolyn.

A diary.

An old fashioned dildo.

The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos.

Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant
around her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have
a strange look.  She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom
door.

						DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER THAT NIGHT

The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking
for a snack. He grabs an apple.

REVEAL:

Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer."

		CINDY
	Hello, Professor.

HE SMILES

		PROFESSOR
	Hello, Cindy

She shakes her head.

		CINDY
	Forbidden fruit.

She takes the apple.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Got a problem with that?

		PROFESSOR
	Yeah, bitch, give me my apple.
	What's gotten into you?

He snatches the apple back.

Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and
picks up a banana.

Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes,
she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out
simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in
her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red,
gagging and coughing.

		CINDY
	Gock--gock--gock...

Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor
runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally
spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor.

Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing
her seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts
licking it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in
her mouth, again simulating a blow job.

ANGLE ON:

THE PROFESSOR

He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again.

		PROFESSOR
	Ooo, yes.

ANGLE ON:

CINDY

She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving
that in her mouth--stretching out her mouth and face,
insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth.

ANGLE ON:

THE PROFESSOR

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Ohh...mmm...

Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops
the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to
the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle
between her legs.

The Professor watches, seductively.

Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A
strong gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out
the candle.  The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers
and the Professor back.

		CINDY
	There. That's better.

Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the
desk stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie,
choking him as she pulls him up onto the table.

		PROFESSOR
	I take it you're not mad at me.

		CINDY
	I wouldn't go that far.

She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the
apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard
into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures.

He quickly pops them back into his mouth.

Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples
for a man.

Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult
diaper underneath.

She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him.

		PROFESSOR
	I don't like this, this...

		CINDY
		(pinning him down)
	Why don't you shut up, Professor?
	Just relax.

Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She
feels something then stops and stares deeply into the
Professor's eyes.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	I think she's starting to suspect
	something?

		PROFESSOR
		(Confused)
	Who?

Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE.

		RAY
	Your wife!

The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up
from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of
the room.

ANGLE ON:

Cindy's face as it morphs back.

		CINDY
	Oh, my God. It happened right here.
	She came home. She saw them.

		PROFESSOR
	Saw who?!

		CINDY
	Don't touch me!!

Cindy passes out.

Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his
ankles, and Cindy unconscious on the floor.

		DWIGHT
	What the hell?!

		PROFESSOR
	It's not what is looks like. She's
	having a breakdown. Help me get her
	to her room.

						DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- THE NEXT DAY

Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House.
The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing.

						     CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor
duck behind a door.

Buddy investigates, following the Professor.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the
corner, keeping the Professor in sight.  Buddy sees the
Professor enter the lab.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

		DWIGHT
	Professor, we need to talk.

		PROFESSOR
	What is it, Dwight?

		DWIGHT
	I think we should consider cutting
	the experiment short.

		PROFESSOR
	What?

		DWIGHT
	The force in this house is far
	greater than I anticipated. In one
	night I recorded cold spots,
	shifting magnetic fields, the E.U.P.
	is picking up white sounds
	everywhere.

		PROFESSOR
	That's why we came here, remember?

		DWIGHT
	Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This
	poltergeist is becoming increasingly
	more violent. We all could be in
	danger. I say we pull the plug.

		PROFESSOR
	Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull
	the plug. Get a hold of yourself.
	Dwight, we're on the verge of
	greatness and I'm about this close
	to getting laid. Now, the bus will
	be here on Monday. Until then no one
	leaves.

CLOSE ON:

BUDDY

He's been listening to everything.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Now, here are the keys to the gate
	and the cell phone. No one gets
	access to either, understand?

Dwight nods yes.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size.
It's as tall as a tree.

Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed.

He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake
him at "C.P. Time."

Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold
tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little
drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his
pillow.

Finally, he closes his eyes.

Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and
creaking floors.

		SHORTY
	I can't sleep like this.

He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and
pushes the play button.

The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN
screaming are heard.

		WOMAN (V.O.) (V.O.)
	They done killed my baby! Why
	Lord?! Why?

		SHORTY
	Ah, that's better.

Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	I know what I need.

Shorty finds a joint and lights up.

						     CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed
off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try
summoning the ghost.

		ALEX
		(moving the arrow
		along the board)
	Hello?... Ghost?...Baby, are you
	there?...I've been waiting on you
	for almost ten minutes now! Where
	are you?

						     CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson"
volleyball.

The rest of this scene to come.

						     CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle
of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth.

		ALEX
	Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech
	thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of
	the night, I beseech thee.

Still no response.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
		(pissed)
	Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

She begins to tear up the room.

Smashing lamps and vases against the wall.

Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot.

Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide
with fear. Every sound makes him jump.

Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to
rain.

		SHORTY
	Ahhh!!!!!!

Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking
for the volleyball.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	Wilson! Wilson! Wilson!

						     CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up
running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an
ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet.

MUSIC CUE:

THE SOUNDTRACK FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY" PLAYS.

Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and
off. She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."

						     CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of
lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning
illuminates the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape.

Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball.

		SHORTY
	One one thousand. Two one thousand.
	Three one thousand.

Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the
window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty.

Shorty screams.

Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter.

They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers
rolling Shorty into a human joint.

They all rush to help him.

						     CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal.

		CAROLYN (V.O.) (V.O.)
	Tonight, Hugh and I made love for
	the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk
	about little. I can't take living
	with him any longer. He's becoming a
	monster. Darkness is all around us.
	Poor Hanson died today; burned alive
	in the furnace. They say it was an
	accident, but...

Cindy closes the journal.

		CINDY
	Oh, my God!

Suddenly, her door slams.

CLOSE ON:

Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy
sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door
slams shut.

A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the
closet.

Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for
help.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Help! somebody help!

						     CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint,
lightning the tip on fire.

		SHORTY
	Help! Help! He's trying to smoke
	me, son!

Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as
the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night.

Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of
Cindy screaming.

		BRENDA
	Oh my God, Cindy!

						     CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy clings for deal life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in
the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles.

		ALEX
	You cheating son of a bitch! Touch
	her and I'll make sure that's the
	last piece of possession you have.
		(ALTERNATE)
	You son of a bitch! Oh, what you
	gonna play like this? I know you
	didn't do that!

The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	What, one woman isn't enough for
	you? Must you channel every girl in
	this house? How would you like it if
	I fucked another ghost, huh?

Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Where do you think you're going?
	This isn't finished. That's just
	like you, every time things get
	serious you disappear.

The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream
after him.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Don't forget! I know where you rot!
		(then to herself)
	Selfish bastard. All you entities
	are the same.

ENTER BUDDY AND DWIGHT

		BUDDY
	What happened here?

		ALEX
	Ask your poltergeist stealing whore!

Alex storms out.

		DWIGHT
	She's in shock. We have to get her
	in a tub of water.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and
splashes some in her face.

Dwight checks her pulse.

		DWIGHT
	She's okay. She won't be able to
	move for awhile. Her body has to
	recover from the trauma. Just leave
	her here.

Buddy and Dwight exit.

CLOSE ON:

The tub faucet still running.

CLOSE ON:

The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with
water.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses
her face.

The bath water is rising above her chest.

		CLOSE ON:
	Cindy's hand. She can barely move a
	finger.

		CLOSE ON: (CONT'D)
	Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over
	to the chain holding the plug.

The bath water is now at Cindy's mouth.

Cindy lifts the chain with her foot, then slams down her
heel up-ending the drain plug.

Relief...until she realizes the water is still rising.

Her foot digs down the drain and pulls out a clump of hair.

Water at her eyes and still rising.

Her foot hops out of the tub and grabs a plunger.

The foot plunges the drain. Still nothing. Water rising.

Cindy, head tipped back. All we see is nostrils.

Water spills out of the tub and onto the floor.

Cindy's foot grabs a pen and paper, writes a note, stuff it
in a bottle, and then tosses the bottle into the spilled
water.

The bottle floats away.

						     CUT TO:

INT. FOYER - (OR WHATEVER ROOM EASIEST TO DO THIS GAG) --

Water pours in the room around the group's feet.

		RAY
	I say we leave now.

Everyone agrees.

		BRENDA
	Wait. I'm sensing someone else in
	danger.

CRASH!!! A bottle smashes across Brenda's head.

		SHORTY
		(holding a broken
		bottle)
	Don't start that shit again!

The note falls out of the bottle.

		ALEX
	Look, a note.

		BUDDY
		(reading note)
	"Help, I'm drowning - Cindy."

		GROUP
	Cindy!!!

They all rush to the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, totally submerged, staring fare to face with a
whale. Suddenly, she is lifted out of the tub.

		BUDDY
	You okay?

Cindy nods "yes."

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Now we got everybody. Let's get out
	of here.

						     CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- A SHORT TIME LATER

ALEX

She sings a happy tune as she cooks breakfast.

Cindy, Ray, Theo, and Brenda gather around the island.
Shorty enters.

		SHORTY
	Damn, it smells good.

He reaches for a piece of bacon. Alex slaps his hand.

		ALEX
	That's for someone special.

		SHORTY
	I'm glad somebody got laid.

Alex smiles.

		ALEX
	I never kiss and tell.

ANGLE ON:

THE ISLAND

Shorty joins the group.

(Note: During this scene, no one is paying attention to
Alex)

		SHORTY
	Yo, there's some freaky shit in
	this house. Y'all hear that loud
	banging and screaming?

		ALEX
		(giggles)
	Sorry about that.

		CINDY
	Brenda was right. There's more to
	the story than the Professor told
	us. I found a secret room. It had
	all these news clippings about Hugh
	Kane. He was a very evil man.

		ALEX
		(talking to the sky)
	Ah, they just don't know you the
	way I do.

		CINDY
	I found a picture of his wife.

		ALEX
	Wife?!

Alex grabs the plates of food and throws them in the trash.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Let that bitch make you breakfast.

Cindy passes the picture to Theo.

		THEO
	Wow! She looks just like you...
	except she doesn't have as many
	split ends as you and her skin isn't
	as oily.

Theo passes the picture to Ray.

		RAY
	Yeah, and sometimes your eyes get
	all squinty and it looks like you
	got Down's Syndrome.

Brenda takes the picture from Ray.

		BRENDA
	Yeah, girl, damn near twins...
	except she's more sophisticated and
	classy. You got that cute, trailer
	park look.

Brenda shows the picture to Shorty.

		SHORTY
	No doubt... and her tits are
	perfect, not at all pointy or funny
	looking. You got them National
	Geographic orangutan titties.

Cindy snatches the picture back.

		CINDY
	Okay, I get the point.

		THEO
	So, whatever happened to her?

		CINDY
	She killed herself a week before he
	died.

		ALEX
	Oh, he was a widower. Why didn't
	you say that?...
		(addressing the sky)
	Don't worry, sweetie, I can whip up
	a new batch in a flash.

		CINDY
	I think he wants me.

		ALEX
	Ha! Right bitch!

Everyone looks at Alex.

		THEO
	Cindy, that does sound a little
	crazy.

Buddy enters.



		BUDDY
	She's not crazy. I saw the picture,
	and I'll tell you guys something
	else, the Professor is up to
	something. Him and Dwight got a
	whole lab set up in the basement.
	We're here for an experiment,
	alright, but it ain't insomnia. I
	heard Dwight tell the Professor
	there's a poltergeist in this house
	and we could be in danger.

		THEO
	What? I'm getting outta here.

		BUDDY
	We can't leave. The gates are
	locked and Dwight is the only one
	with the keys.

		THEO
	Don't worry. Give me five minutes
	alone with Dwight. I'll get the keys.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- LATER

Dwight, working on equipment, is distracted. Theo, standing
in the doorway, dressed very sexy.

		THEO
	Hello Dwight.

		DWIGHT
	Hi.

Theo swaggers over to Dwight.

		THEO
	What are you working on?

		DWIGHT
	Just a little experiment.

Theo rubs his shoulders.

		THEO
	Work, work, work. Is that all that
	you do?

		DWIGHT
	Well, there's a lot riding on this
	project.

Theo straddles Dwight.

		THEO
	The Professor might have everyone
	else fooled, but I know who the real
	brains of the operation is.

		DWIGHT
	You do.

		THEO
	That's what turns me on about you,
	Dwight. You're so smart.

		DWIGHT
	And sexy.

		THEO
	Of course. So sexy.

She runs her fingers through his hair.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	Ooh, you hair is so soft and silky.
	What do you use on it?

		DWIGHT
	Just a little Rogaine.

Theo notices clumps of Dwight's hair has fallen out into
her hands. She wipes it on his shirt.

		THEO
	And those sexy eyes.

She removes Dwight's glasses.

		CLOSE ON:
	Dwight's eyes, both looking in
	different directions. He has no
	muscle control.

Theo quickly puts on his glasses.

		THEO
	What do you say we put on some
	music?

Theo turns on the radio.

She turns to a station.

SONG ONE "WALK ON BY..."

She quickly changes the station.

SONG TWO "WALK THIS WAAAY!..."

Again, she changes the station.

SONG THREE "THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING..."

Theo turns off the radio.

		THEO (CONT'D)
	What do you say we make our own
	music?

She kneels in front of Dwight stroking his thighs.

		THEO  (CONT'D)
	You know, Dwight, I hear you're the
	only one who has the key to the gate.

		DWIGHT
	That's right.

		THEO
	What if I wanted to borrow those
	keys?

		DWIGHT
	Oh, I couldn't do that.

Theo unbuttons Dwight's pants.

		THEO
	Sure you can, baby. Look, you help
	by giving me the keys, and I'll help
	by giving you...

She pulls his dick out and is about to give him a blow job.

		DWIGHT
	I don't need your help. I can do it
	myself.

Dwight starts sucking his own dick.

Theo looks on in shock. Dwight is going to town on himself.
Theo grabs an object and smashes Dwight in the head,
knocking him out cold. She rifles through his pockets and
takes the keys.

She exits.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

The group is gathered in the living room. Shorty watches
TV. Theo rushes back to the group.

		THEO
		(dangling keys)
	I got 'em.

		BUDDY
	Great! We should leave before it
	starts to rain.

Suddenly, lightning and thunder. Rain pours against the
window.

		THEO
	I say we wait till the rain lets
	up, then we make a break for it.

ANGLE ON:

NEWSCASTER on TV.

		NEWSCASTER
	This just in... Heavy rains will
	continue to plaque the region for
	the next two days.

		BRENDA
	We'll just call a taxi.

		NEWSCASTER
	Now, an update on the recent taxi
	strike. No progress in sight.

		CINDY
	Hey, we can take my car.

		NEWSCASTER
	There's been a major recall on all
	Japanese made cars. Auto makers warn
	when exposed to rain the cars
	explode.

LOUD BOOM and FIREBALL out window.

		RAY
	Fuck it. We'll hike if we have to.

		NEWSCASTER
	The bodies of six hikers were found
	today torn to shreds by wild animals.

		SHORTY
	I know, we can build a plane and
	fly outta here.

		NEWSCASTER
	Now, that's just fucking stupid.

BUDDY SHUTS OFF THE TV

		BUDDY
	Alright then, we'll just hunker
	down for tonight. Maybe we'll get a
	break by morning.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

The Professor enters and finds Dwight with his head in his
lap.

		PROFESSOR
	Dwight, what the hell are you
	doing? Dwight?

No answer.

The professor lifts Dwight's head and sees what he was
doing.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Now that's a talent. Dwight, wake
	up.

Dwight slowly comes to.

		DWIGHT
		(groggy)
	I can do it myself.

		PROFESSOR
	Yeah, I can see that. Later I want
	you to teach me that trick, but
	right now we have a job to do.

		DWIGHT
	The keys. She took the keys.

The Professor notices Buddy on the monitor, unplugging the
cameras.

		PROFESSOR
	Shit. They're onto us. Keep an eye
	on them. I'll take care of this
	little shit.

The Professor exits.

						     CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy climbs down off a chair and joins Ray.

		BUDDY
	I think we got the one's up here.

		RAY
	I think it's time we had a little
	talk with the Professor.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- MOMENTS LATER

The Professor exits the lab and heads for the stairs.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of a
beautiful female ghost in flowing white robes. She
illuminates a brilliant white light.

		PROFESSOR
	Hello?... Have we met?... Hi...

The ghost lures the Professor down the corridor.

NEW ANGLE:

We are in a different section of the hallway.

The Professor continues to follow the ghost. He has a bit
of trouble keeping up.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
		(calling after)
	Ummmm... Hello?... Umm...

The Professor follows into yet another area of hallway.

NEW ANGLE:

The ghost temps the Professor into a pitch black corridor.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Ummm... Are you Mrs. Hanson?
		(ALTERNATE)
	Ummm... Who are you, you gorgeous
	creature?

The Professor disappears into the darkness.

He takes out a lighter to illuminate his way.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
	Hello?... Hello? Are you hiding?
		(ALTERNATE)
	Where are you, sexy pants?

A horrific look crosses the Professor's face. The beautiful
spirit morphs into Hugh Kane's Ghost.

The Professor takes a beat.

		PROFESSOR  (CONT'D)
		(resigned)
	What the hell? I've done worse.

The Professor walks into the darkness.

(REST OF SCENE TO COME)

						     CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Alex sits in front of her vanity mirror, wearing a sexy
robe and nightgown. She brushes her hair, humming to herself
happily, full of anticipation.

She takes her perfume - "Obsession" - and dabs some on her
neck, behind her ears, inside her thighs. Then she puts the
bottle to her mouth and - glug, glug, glug - drinks the
whole thing down like Gatorade.

Alex applies hot wax to a waxing strip then to her legs,
tearing it off. Satisfied her legs are smooth, she does her
underarm. She then applies a wax-soaked strip between her
legs then tears it off.

		ALEX
	Ouch!

She checks the strip to reveal her pussy lips stuck to the
strip.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Oops.

She puts them back between her legs.

She rises and walks over to the old 19th century-style
portrait of the supposed ghost, which once hung prominently
downstairs. It now sits propped up in a corner of her room
with a shrine set up all around it consisting of candles,
little "I love you" hearts, and her vibrator.

Alex walks over to the portrait, regards it lovingly for a
moment, and then kisses the figure sweetly on the lips. Then
she works her way down the portrait -- hungrily kissing,
nibbling, and licking. When she pulls back, seductively, the
cobwebs, dust and spiders that were clinging to the portrait
are now all over her face. She doesn't care, she simply
brushes them aside -- she's in love.

CLOSE ON:

RADIO

		D.J. (O.S.) (O.S.)
	This one goes out to that someone
	special from Alex over at the Hell
	House. She says that even though you
	two have only known each other for a
	short time now, she feels a certain
	connection to you that she's never
	felt with any man alive. And even if
	it doesn't work out between you two,
	she wants you to know that there
	will always be a special place for
	you in the heart. So, Poltergeist,
	this one's for you.

Alex climbs into bed and spreads rose petals all around.
Everything's ready. She sits back and waits.

While she waits, she puts the time to good use by doing
some sexual calisthenics. She lies flat on her back, sticks
her legs in the air, and stretches them wide apart a few
times.

One-two-three-, one-two-three.

Then she gets on all fours and does a few stick
-your-ass-high-in-the-air stretches. One-two-three.

Then she does the simulated oral sex gesture, first with
the right hand, then with the left, making sure her forearms
are nice and loose. One-two-three, one-two-three.

A few facial and mouth exercises and she's done.

		ALEX
	Well, I'm going to sleep now. So,
	if there's some ghostly man out
	there who wants to take advantage of
	me, there's probably nothing that I
	will be able to do about it because
	I'm really a heavy sleeper! Okay,
	here I go.

Alex gets under the covers and pretends to fall asleep.

A beat and Alex opens her eyes and looks around.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	I'm asleep now. I really am.

She closes her eyes.

A count of ten and she sits up.

						     CUT TO:

INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

Just as the GANG is about to leave the house, a LOUD
RUMBLE, along with a violent wind, all the doors and windows
lock.

Everyone desperately tries to open a door or break a window.

		CINDY
	He won't let us go. He's going to
	kill us.

		DWIGHT
	Quick, everyone to the lab.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS -- MOMENTS LATER

Dwight leads everyone to the basement door. He opens it. A
long flight of concrete steps.

		DWIGHT
	Those steps look kind of hard. I'm
	gonna need some help.

By now, the group is so used to Dwight going down steps,
they simply give him a push.

Dwight goes tumbling down the hard steps. The gang running
behind him.

Dwight lands hard at the bottom of the steps. The group
tramples him as they rush by.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
		(heroic)
	Don't mind me. Save yourselves.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

Everyone assembled inside. Dwight finally catching up, his
wheels slightly bent and his glasses, a mangled mess.

		DWIGHT
	Quick. Lock the door.

BUDDY and SHORTY lock the door.

		CINDY
	What are we gonna do?

		DWIGHT
	We have to destroy him.

		RAY
	How we gonna destroy what we can't
	see?

		SHORTY
	I got it! We shave off our pubic
	hairs and use the shampoo for ten
	days. What? Ya'll never had crabs?

Dwight rolls over to a complex machine with a circle marked
on the floor in front of it.

		DWIGHT
	Ghosts are just energy fields. We
	can capture that energy. We can
	dissipate it! But in order to do
	that, we've got to get him in here.
	On that spot.

		BUDDY
	That's great Einstein. How are we
	gonna do that? There's a powerful
	force out there ready to render us
	helpless, tear on our flesh, and
	penetrate our bodies.

		RAY
	He's right. I should go first.

		BRENDA
	He's so brave.

Dwight rolls over to a supply cabinet, opens it and starts
to hand out equipment.

Dwight is arming the teenagers, giving them each a strange
looking gun.

		DWIGHT
	These are highly experimental guns
	that emit a bolt of concentrated
	energy able to damage ectoplasmic
	cells, giving it the ability to
	injure or even destroy a ghost.
	There is no ammunition. You only get
	three shots a piece, so use it very
	wisely.

Goofing with his gun, shorty fires it at Brenda's butt,
burning it.

		BRENDA
	Hey!

Shorty laughs.

		DWIGHT
	Conserve your ammunition!

		SHORTY
	Sorry...right, right...

Shorty is startled by a cockroach and shoots it.

		DWIGHT
	The only way we're going to track
	down these ghosts is if we're all
	wearing one of these...

Dwight pulls out a DICK PUMP! They all look at him
crossed.. Dwight realizes what he's holding in his hand.

		BUDDY
	A dick pump?

		DWIGHT
	I mean these!

Dwight holds up a pair of goggles.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	These are thermo-goggles.

The kids are putting on their goggles, trying them out.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	These can be used to track the
	ghosts. These goggles work on the
	principle of body heat. They're so
	powerful, they'll even show where
	body fluids of any kind have been
	recently, even if it been wiped
	clean.

The kids look at each other and notice Dwight has goo in
his face.

		DWIGHT (CONT'D)
	He may be invisible, but we have
	the advantage of being armed with
	the most innovative and complex
	high-tech equipment known to man.

		BRENDA
	How are we gonna stay in touch with
	one another? Do we have
	walkie-talkies or something?

		DWIGHT
	No, we have these.

Dwight brings out several sets of two paper-cups with a
string attaching the two. The string is only about 10-15
feet long.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	All the money was spent on the guns
	and the goggles.

He hands them out.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Let's get that bastard!

Alex points her gun at the group.

		ALEX
	No, I won't let you do it.

		CINDY
	Alex, what are you doing?

		ALEX
	Shut up, you slut. You think you
	can take him from me? Well, over my
	dead body.

Alex runs out of the lab. Cindy tries to stop her. Theo
steps in the way.

		THEO
	Let her go, Cin.

		CINDY
	But he'll kill her!

		THEO
	That means more screen time for us.

		DWIGHT
	Alright, let's split up.

		BRENDA
	Every time some scary shit goes
	down and we need to stick together,
	you white folks always say "Let's
	split up."

		THEO
	She's right. We should stick
	together.

		DWIGHT
	Alright. Come on, you guys.

All four of the white people take off, leaving Ray, Shorty
and Brenda behind.

		SHORTY
	Ain't that some shit?

Ray, Shorty, and Brenda head off in the other direction.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY/FOYER/LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM --
CONTINUOUS

Alex exits the basement, frantically searching for the
ghost. She runs into the secret study.

		ALEX
	Huey, where are you?

GHOST POV:

The ghost, in the foyer, catches sight of Alex and tries to
hide. Alex sees him and starts for the foyer.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Huey, Huey, baby, we have to talk!

To protect himself and do harm to her, the ghost hurls a
chair at Alex in the foyer.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Baby?

He hurls a statue at her.

Massive boulders come tumbling down the steps in hope of
crushing her.

Alex runs into the music room, smashing through a
television.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Come on, baby, we can work this out.

She takes a few steps and trips over the carpet.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	If we just stick together no one
	can hurt us, love!

The piano flies up, landing on Alex.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
		(in pain)
	I think we have to get a little
	therapy, Hun.

She crawls from under the piano.

As Alex heads for the dining room, the door slam shut.
Immediately, several knives come flying at her. The knives
form Alex's outline in the door.

Alex swings the doors open and enters the dining room.

Almost immediately, she's pulled (by the ghost) across the
dining room table, eventually landing full force to the
floor.

As she lies there, the chandelier drops from the ceiling,
pinning her down.

Alex is dying.

Theo enters.

		THEO
	Oh my god! Alex!

Theo cradles Alex's head.

		ALEX
	I think I'm dying, Theo... I just
	want you to know, you're the best
	friend I've ever had...
		(she coughs, pained)
	Do you remember that time we met?

Theo nods, sadly.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	And remember the time in the sixth
	grade, at the dance? We wore the
	same dresses, but that didn't stop
	us from having the best time ever.

Theo looks confused.

		THEO
	Um...we--

Alex coughs some more.

		ALEX
	And remember that trip we took to
	Africa? That safari was so
	wonderful. Me, you...best of
	friends...forever.

		THEO
	Uh, Alex, we've only know each
	other one day.

		ALEX
	Oh... I guess I'll die now.

		THEO
	Okay...maybe that would be best.

Alex closes her eyes, seemingly dying. Theo starts to get
up. Suddenly, Alex opens her eyes...

		ALEX
	Oh, remember that time I got my
	training bra and you --

		THEO
	Never happened!

Theo looks at her watch, impatiently.

		ALEX
	Right... well, bye.

Alex lays her head down and seemingly dies again. Theo
starts to leave. Alex sits up again.

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	My favorite memory was when we --

		THEO
	Would you die already?!

Theo looks around and grabs a pillow, finally smothering
Alex to death.

Theo slowly gets up, surveying the scene.

			    AS SHE EXITS, WE CUT TO:

INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- LATER

THEO AND DWIGHT

		DWIGHT
	You check down here, I'll check
	upstairs.

Theo looks confused as Dwight crawls upstairs, dragging his
wheelchair.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, astray from the rest of the group, tries to find
Ray and Brenda.

		SHORTY
		(loud whisper)
	Ray! Brenda!

Shorty takes a breather. He takes a seat and enjoys a blunt.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about.
	Fuck this ghost hunting shit. I
	don't know where to look for no
	ghost.

Shorty exhales the smoke, REVEALS the ghost sitting next to
him.

		GHOST
		(menacing)
	Boo!

Shorty screams and jumps to his feet.

		SHORTY
	Yo, son, why me? What you want with
	me?

Shorty blows out more smoke in an effort to reveal the
ghost as he bucks away. It works. Another puff and the
ghost's face appears again.

		GHOST
	Boo!

		SHORTY
	Leave me alone. Stay away from me.

Shorty continues the process of toking the blunt and
blowing the smoke.

Finally, Shorty takes a huge pull, blows the smoke out, and
the menacing Ghost face appears. Shorty curls in fear.

The ghost approaches Shorty. It's apparent that Shorty is a
dead man. The ghost brings his face very close to Shorty's.

		GHOST
		(playfully)
	Boo.

The ghost laughs, hysterically, obviously high.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

Ray and Brenda.

		BRENDA
	You hear that? She notices Shorty
	is gone.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	Where's Shorty?

		RAY
	I don't know. He was right behind
	us. Wait here. I'll be right back.

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

Shorty and the ghost are joking it up.

		SHORTY
		(singing)
	THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR
	HOOD...

		GHOST
	WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

		SHORTY/GHOST
	GHOSTBUSTERS!!

		SHORTY
	Hey, shotgun.

Shorty blows smoke in the ghost's face. They inhale. It
appears that Shorty has inhaled the ghost.

A count of two. Shorty exhales, blowing the ghost out.

		GHOST
	That was awesome.

The ghost runs straight at the wall, and goes through it.
He peeks his head through.

		GHOST  (CONT'D)
	You try.

Shorty takes a hit off the blunt then charges at the wall.

SLAM!!! Shorty knocks himself unconscious.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT FURNACE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy and Buddy enter the furnace room.

		BUDDY
	Where the hell are we?

		CINDY
	It looks like the furnace.

		BUDDY
	Let's get outta here.

		CINDY
	Wait, I want to check something.
	Give me a hand.

Buddy helps Cindy open the large furnace door.

CLOSE ON:

The inside of the furnace. Black ashes is all that can be
seen.

Cindy picks up an iron poker and pokes around the ash.

		BUDDY
	What are you doing?

Cindy sees something. She stops.

		CINDY
	I found Hugh Kane's wife's diary.
	It said Hanson the caretaker died in
	the furnace.

Cindy clears away the ashes to REVEAL a human skeleton.

		BUDDY
	Well, if that's Hanson, then who's
	the guy with the hand?

		CINDY
	Hugh Kane.

Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life. It rises from the
ashes.

Buddy and Cindy run. The skeleton follows.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Let's split up and meet at the
	other end.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON:

Brenda. She hears someone yelling.

Brenda peeks around the corner. She sees Cindy running
towards her. Cindy is screaming for help. Brenda ducks
behind the wall.

		CINDY
	Help!

		BRENDA
	Now, why that bitch gotta bring
	that shit this way? I hope she
	didn't see me.

Brenda peeks around the corner. Cindy trips and falls. The
skeleton gets closer.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	Good! I hope that shit kills her
	and just leaves. God is looking out
	for me.

Cindy is back to her feet and hauling ass. Brenda ducks
back behind the wall. She is now nervous and shaking. The
screams get closer. Brenda begins to pray.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	Lord, if I die, I'm going to fuck
	this bitch up for getting me
	involved.

Cindy rounds the corner to discover the dead end.

		CINDY
	Oh my God! We're dead!

		BRENDA
	It would've just been you, if you
	would've kept your mouth shut.

They hear the footsteps getting close.

		CINDY
	It's coming!

		BRENDA
	What ?! What is it, a monster?!

The skeleton turns the corner. Cindy sees him first.

		CINDY
	Aahhh! There it is!!!

Brenda turns and sees the skeleton. Her fear subsides.

		BRENDA
	Aw, shit girl. This what you're
	running from? He ain't nothing but a
	skeleton. His skinny little ass
	can't hurt anybody.

Brenda just stands her ground. This skeleton runs up and
grabs Brenda by the arm. Brenda makes a face as if she's not
very impressed.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	What? ...this ain't shit.

With the skeleton still gripping her arm, Brenda raises her
arm, effortlessly lifting the skeleton off the ground. It
hangs there, looking worried and looking down at it's feet
dangling.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
		(to Cindy)
	It's just a bunch of old bones. No
	muscle, no strength. He hardly even
	weighs anything.

She flicks the skeleton off her arm. It hits the ground.
Dazed, it gets back on it's feet. Brenda stomps her feet and
moves like she's going to jump at it. The skeleton cowers,
throwing up its arms and looking scared.

		BRENDA  (CONT'D)
	What you gonna do?

As the skeleton tries to run, Brenda plucks off its head.
Cindy smiles, realizing the skeleton poses no threat.

		Skeleton Head
	Hey, give it back.

Brenda and Cindy play Keep-Away with the skull. The
skeleton's headless body running back and forth between
them, arms flailing, trying desperately to get its head back.

Finally, Cindy catches the skull, moves aside and sticks
her leg out, tripping the body. It tumbles to the wall and
lies there.

Brenda reaches down and grabs the bottom section of the
skeleton's spine, destabilizing the body.  Like a house of
cards, all of the bones crash down into a heap.

Brenda holds a bone to her head.

		BRENDA
	Hey, look, I'm Wilma Flintstone.

		CINDY
	Hey, I have an idea...

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- FEW MOMENTS LATER

The skeleton is put back together, but completely messed
up. It's hopping on one hand, it's head stuck on its tail
bone, one leg sticking balanced on top of the rib cage, etc.

		BRENDA
	Go on, get out of here.

The skeleton goes hopping along the hallway, humiliated.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- LATER

Buddy joins Cindy and Brenda.

		BUDDY
	You guys okay?

		BRENDA
	Yeah, it takes more than a bag of
	bones to scare me.

Suddenly, Buddy is lifted off his feet, his arms and legs
swinging wildly.

		CINDY
	Oh my God, the ghost has Buddy!
	Brenda do something!

		BRENDA
	Okay.

Brenda takes off running. Cindy watches, confused.

		BUDDY
	Help!

Cindy fires at the pipes, one burst. The steam REVEALS the
ghost.

Cindy has a clean shot. She takes it.

The ghost is hit. He drops Buddy and flees.

Buddy falls, bangs his head.

		CINDY
		(rushing to Buddy)
	Are you okay?

Buddy checks his head.

		BUDDY
	Yeah, I think I'm bleeding.



		CINDY
	Come on. There's a first aid kit in
	the lab.

Cindy helps Buddy to his feet. They head to the lab.

						     CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY -- LATER

THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS SHOT ENTIRELY FROM THE GHOST'S POV:

The Ghost enters to see that the room is no longer a mess,
but has been cleaned with a woman's touch.

First, he spots a teddy bear sitting in his chair.

He sees flowers placed around his portrait.

A vase of roses on his desk.

There are a pair of woman's panties on the desk lamp. He
picks them up to inspect them. Disgusted, he throws the
panties on the floor.

The ghost then catches sight of a three-layered wedding
cake set on a table.

Finally, he sees that Alex has pasted a photo of her face,
over the face of his beloved Carolyn in her portrait. This
sends him into a tirade.

He smashes the vase of flowers to the floor, before doing
the same to the wedding cake.

The ghost smashes the mirror.

Finally, he tears Alex's photo from the painting.

AS HE BACKS AWAY, WE:

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Cindy is tending to Buddy.



		BUDDY
	Cindy, I've been thinking about
	this whole friend thing. I never had
	a friend that cares for me the way
	you do...I mean, there's Ray, but he
	cares for me in a different way. You
	know, bringing me flowers. Running
	my bath water. And then there's
	nights I wake up screaming and I
	look over and Ray's in my bed.
	Holding me. And seeing that tonight
	might be our last night together, I
	was thinking...

		CINDY
	That we should take our friendship
	a little further?

		BUDDY
	Yes...

		CINDY
	Oh, Buddy, I was thinking the same
	thing. It might be our last night in
	this house. And I think we should
	take full advantage of it.

		BUDDY
		(excited)
	I was thinking the same thing.

He pops a mint in his mouth and unbuckles his pants.

		CINDY
		(lost in thought)
	We should act out our inner most
	fantasies.

		BUDDY
	Great!!!

		CINDY
	Like, I've always wanted to walk on
	the moon.

		BUDDY
	Huh?

Cindy turns around and does a slow motion imitation of an
astronaut.

		CINDY
	What about you, Buddy?

		BUDDY
	Well, I was hoping to get my balls
	licked.

They hear a noise.

		CINDY
	He's here.

		BUDDY
	Shit!

Cindy gets an idea. She runs in the freezer, and grabs
several bags of blood.

Suddenly, she hears a noise.

Cindy stops and looks around. She sees nothing.

Cindy begins to open bags of blood and pours them on the
floor. She empties out all of the blood.

Suddenly the phone rings. She answers.

		CINDY
	Hello?

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- SAME TIME.

A DOCTOR is on the phone talking with Cindy. A DYING LITTLE
BOY lays in the hospital bed with his PARENTS standing over
him, crying.

		DOCTOR
	Yes, this is Doctor Peterson. I'm
	calling for Dwight Hartman. He was
	storing some blood over there for
	me. It's for a little boy who's in
	desperate need of a blood
	transfusion.

						CUT BACK TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, on phone looks down at all the blood spilled out on
the floor, shocked.

		CINDY
		(Mexican accent)
	Dwight Hartman, no live here.

Cindy slams down the phone.

She watches the blood carefully, looking for footprints.
She sees nothing. Behind her, she hears a noise.

She turns and is slapped hard in the face by the ghost.

She raises her gun, but the ghost is too quick. He smacks
it from her hand.

NEW ANGLE:

The ghost smacks Cindy, sending her flying into the freezer.

Cindy falls hard, hitting her head, and dazing her for a
brief moment.

Buddy attacks the ghost.

The ghost is strong and easily punches Buddy around.

Buddy is thrown into the freezer. He's hurt.

Cindy gets up and rushes to help Buddy.

INT. FREEZER -- CONTINUOUS

Suddenly, the door locks and is bolted shut.

CLOSE ON:

The temperature gauge is broken. The temperature begins to
drop.

Cindy rushes to the door. Through the window, she sees the
ghost leave.

		BUDDY
	We gotta call for help.

Cindy holds up her cup and talks into it.

		CINDY
	Hello? Do you read me? Come in...
	It's useless. They don't work in
	here... must be the walls or
	something.

						     CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT

Dwight is looking for the ghost. Dwight sees the ghost
through his goggles. The ghost is playing hide-and-seek with
Dwight.

		DWIGHT
		(angry)
	Come on you coward! Show yourself!
	Fight me like a man.

Suddenly, Dwight's wheelchair is rammed by another
wheelchair driven by the ghost.

Dwight takes off. The ghost follows.

Dwight and the ghost zigzag down the hallway bumping and
cutting each other off.

SLOW-MOTION SHOT:

The wheels of the two chairs lock together sending them
into a 360 degree spin.

Dwight, his hair is flowing.

Matching shot of the ghost.

The chair crashes into the banister. It breaks the back of
Dwight's charm which dangerously hangs over the edge.

Dwight gains control. As the ghost chair approaches, Dwight
speeds towards the ghost.

Just before the chairs pass each other, Dwight leaps out
and hangs on the side, firing his gun at the ghost.

The ghost ducks and the shot misses him.

Dwight is dragged painfully through the hallway smashing
into open doors, statues, cupboards. Finally, Dwight leaps
back into the chair.

Not a moment to soon. The ghost chair whips in front of
Dwight.

Dwight thinks fast. He uses a broken table as a ramp. He
catches some good air.

Dwight lands, slams on the brakes, sending his chair
tipping forward. Dwight shows his skills by spinning his
chair as it balances on the front wheels.

Dwight and the ghost chair now are at opposite ends of the
hall.

The scene plays very dramatic and in SLOW-MOTION. Dwight in
his wheelchair at one end of the hall and the ghost in his
wheelchair at the other end. WHITE DOVES begin to flutter
through the hallway ala a "JOHN WOO" movie.

One of the doves flies by in slow motion. It plops right on
his face.

The tires of Dwight's wheelchair begin spinning and
squealing, burning rubber and causing smoke to come from the
tire.

The ghost's wheelchair tires burn rubber and starts
barreling toward Dwight at full (wheelchair) speed. Dwight
starts rolling with all his might toward the ghost in his
wheelchair. Coming towards each other like the motorcycle
scene in "MI:2".

ANGLE ON:

THE GHOST'S WHEELCHAIR

It speeds towards Dwight.

ANGLE ON:

DWIGHT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR

He speeds toward the ghost in his chair. Dwight is going so
fast that his hair is blowing back and bugs start
splattering up against his face and sunglasses.

Like two speeding trains, Dwight and the ghost are headed
right towards one another.

ANGLE ON:

DWIGHT'S WHEELCHAIR

One of his tires blows out. We see that it reads
"FIRESTONE."

Dwight still races towards the ghost. Right when they are
about to collide head on, Dwight leaps up out of his
wheelchair and the ghost leaps out of his wheelchair.

The two wheelchairs impact and EXPLODE!!!

Dwight goes to grab the ghost, but he goes right through it
and goes crashing out of the window at the end of the
hallway.

		DWIGHT  (CONT'D)
	Noooo!!!!!

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

Dwight, dangling from a statue on the house exterior. He's
slipping, losing his grip.

Suddenly, in the window above, appears Hanson. He extends
his little arm out to Dwight.

		HANSON
	Here. Take my hand.

CLOSE ON:

Hanson's nubby little hand.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Come on. Take it.

Dwight can't bring himself to touch the little hand. He
looks at the ground below. It's sure death if he falls.

Hanson reaches further. We see his fingers as they touch
Dwight's hand.

		DWIGHT
	Ahhhh!!!

Dwight lets go and falls to his death.

INT. FREEZER -- MOMENTS LATER

Frost has built up on the window. Icicles hang off of our
hero's.

		BUDDY
		(practically frozen
		stiff)
	What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I
	can't move, I'm so cold.

		CINDY
		(rubbing his legs)
	Can you feel that?

		BUDDY
	No. Try a little higher.

Cindy starts rubbing his thighs.

		CINDY
	Feel that?

		BUDDY
		(enjoying it)
	No. Keep rubbing.

Cindy starts rubbing harder.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Better try a little higher.

		CINDY
		(catching on)
	Now, come on -- you know I'm not
	ready for that kind of -

		BUDDY
	Cindy, please! It's a matter of
	life and death. I'm asking you a
	friend.

		CINDY
	Well... okay...but only as a friend.

Cindy makes ready to start rubbing Buddy's dick. Buddy
leans back, getting ready to enjoy it.  He puts his arms
around his head, but then realizes that this whole thing
depends on Cindy believing that he can't move his arms, so
he quickly puts them back where they were before Cindy
realizes what he's done.

Cindy is still rubbing Buddy's crotch.

		BUDDY
	I'm coming!

BUDDY EXPLODES

Cindy, eyes wide as she looks down. She jumps back just as
the goo flies towards her.

CLOSE ON:

The goo. It freezes in mid-air.

Cindy knows there's no more time to waste.

She desperately scrambles for a way out. She tries the
door, but it's bolted shut. She looks over to see some loose
nuts and bolts, a wire and a defibrillator. She goes to work
piecing something together, MacGyver-style.

Quick cuts of her snapping a wire loose.

She magnetizes the nuts and bolts.

She turns on the defibrillator.

We pull back to reveal Cindy has built with the loose
scraps a CAT BULLDOZER.

Cindy helps Buddy out of the freezer.

		CINDY
	You stay here. I've got to warn the
	others.

Cindy exits.

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

		CINDY
		(into her cup)
	Come in somebody. Can you hear me?

		RAY (V.O.) (V.O.)
	This is Ray. What's up? Where are
	you?

		CINDY
	The ghost is close. He almost got
	us. Buddy is hurt.

		RAY (V.O.) (V.O.)
	What's your location? I repeat,
	what's your location?

		CINDY
	Right behind you.

		REVEAL:
	Cindy standing behind Ray.

		RAY
	Roger that we're on our way over.

Ray turns to Cindy.

		CINDY
	Where's Shorty?

		RAY
	I don't know. He was right behind
	me a minute ago.

						     CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER

MUSIC: The same gentle piano music as in "Hannibal."

Cindy walks into the kitchen and sees Shorty seated at he
table, strapped to a chair. Hanson is nearby, grilling
something on a portable grill and conversing amiably with
Shorty.

Alarmed, Cindy grabs a snow globe.

ANGLE ON SNOW GLOBE:

Cindy hides the snow globe behind her back.

		HANSON
	Ah, Cindy. Sit down, dear. Dinner's
	almost ready.

Cindy manages a smile and nears the table.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Oh, and the little weapon you're
	hiding? Put it on the table.

Caught, Cindy sheepishly places the snow globe on the table
and moves to sit.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Come now, give it up.

Cindy pulls a heavy little statuette from under her shirt
and clunks it down next to the snow globe.

Hanson shakes his head no and gestures for her to come
clean with what else she has.

Cindy keeps pulling out more weaponry, tossing it on the
table.  a bear-trap, a crowbar, a medieval battle axe, a
crossbow, case of dynamite, and a Star Wars lightsaber,
which she turns on and tosses onto the pile.

Cindy sits. Hanson goes back to his cooking.

		CINDY
		(whispering)
	Shorty, are you alright? Speak to
	me!

Shorty is slumped and dazed, drooling on himself. Cindy
notices some hypodermic needles, chloroform and a rag.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
		(to Hanson)
	Morphine? chloroform? Horse
	tranquilizers? You've drugged him!

		HANSON
	No, actually, I found him like
	this. That's his stuff.

With growing alarm, Cindy notices a cookbook on the table:
"Martha Stewart's Easy Brain Recipes", featuring a picture
of a pleasantly smiling Martha Stewart on the cover, her
mouth and chin soaked in blood and gore, clutching a chewed
brain in her hand.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	Sit down and join us, Cindy.

		SHORTY
		(to Cindy)
	Yeah, I always wanted to watch you
	eat.

		CINDY
	She'd have to be really pretty and
	I'd have to be very drunk.

		SHORTY
		(delirious)
	I'm going to work in Washington,
	Cindy.

		CINDY
	Are you?

		SHORTY
	That's where my best customers are.
	Marion Berry, George Bush, the
	Redskins. I'd like to offer you a
	job, Cindy. Can you type? Take
	dictation? Swallow balloons filled
	with cocaine?

		HANSON
	Now you're being rude, Shorty.

		SHORTY
	Washington is full of cornpone
	country pussy - just ask Jesse
	Jackson.

Hanson puts down his spatula and steps to Shorty.

		HANSON
	Alright! Everyone ready for the
	main course?

Hanson pulls off Shorty's sweatband and take a can opener
to Shorty's head, running it all the way around the crown as
Cindy looks on in horror.

Cindy gasps as Hanson lifts off the top of Shorty's head,
revealing his brain. It's a sad sight. Small and
underdeveloped, it's surrounded by smoke. Corroded and half
smoked away. There's a small band-aid on it.

Hanson puts the top of Shorty's skull on his own head, hair
and all.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
		(a la Shorty,
		gesturing with a
		little hand)
	Yo son, check this out.

		SHORTY
	Dog, you look hot.

Hanson grabs a knife and goes to carve the brain.

		CINDY
	Hanson, please.

		HANSON
	Don't worry Cindy, the brain itself
	feels no pain.

Hanson cuts into it. The brain screams in fright and
shrinks away from the knife, compressing itself into a
corner of Shorty's skull.

Hanson stabs over and over, the brain gracefully avoiding
being cut, moving from corner to corner of the skull.  It
trembles.

Hanson watches and aims carefully, finally sticking the
knife into the brain.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	It's such a fascinating organ.

Hanson points out a section.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	This part here controls
	intelligence. Watch what happens
	when I touch it.

Hanson touches it.

		SHORTY
		(suddenly smart,
		with a British
		accent)
	Salutations, offspring. The fecal
	matter is infirm. By the by, I do
	not wish to monopolize the
	conversation, but I believe I've
	just figured out the cure for
	cancer. It's really quite simple--

Hanson takes his finger off the brain and points out
another section:

		HANSON
	And this part controls a person's
	manners.

Shorty starts to belch and fart uncontrollably, wetting his
pants.

		CINDY
	Stop touching his brain!

		HANSON
	Um, I'm not touching anything.

		SHORTY
	Sorry, y'all. My bad.

		HANSON
	Shorty, why don't you say grace?

		SHORTY
	Me? Grace? Okay - Dear God -

Just as Shorty bows his head, the little brain plops out
onto the table. Hanson picks it up and puts it back in.

		SHORTY  (CONT'D)
	Amen.

Hanson now carves a little section of the brain.

		HANSON
	This part removes the sense of
	humor.

		SHORTY
	I am Tom Green, I am Tom Green.
	Daddy want some sausage, sausage.
	Daddy want some sausage...

Hanson drops the piece of brain on the frying pan.

Cindy looks over and looks at the grill Hanson is using. A
logo in the side reads: "the George Foreman Brain Grill",
with a picture of George Foreman's smiling head next to the
words. The top of George Foreman's head is missing,
revealing his brain.

Hanson takes the brain tidbit off the pan -- it has grill
marks now, and serves it to Shorty.

Shorty starts hooking up the piece of brain with the hot
sauce, pepper, salt, "A-1" steak sauce, melted velveta
cheese, etc...

Hanson starts scraping the leftovers off the dishes into
Shorty's head.

Cindy grabs the snowglobe and goes after Hanson, but Hanson
grabs her just as it's about to strike and slams her back
against the refrigerator, getting in her face, locking her
hair in the door and breaking off the handle.

		HANSON
	Tell me, Cindy. Would you ever tell
	me "Stop. If you loved me you'd
	stop."

		CINDY
	Not in a thousand years.

Hanson leans in and presses a kiss against Cindy's lips.



		CINDY  (CONT'D)
		(muffled)
	Stop!-

		HANSON
		(pulling away)
	Made you say it!

Suddenly OFF SCREEN we hear handcuffs clicking closed.

Pull back and reveal that she's handcuffed his small hand
to her. The handcuff is extremely loose on his hand.

OFF SCREEN Hanson hears Brenda and Theo approaching.
Looking around, he grabs a cleaver. Then he slams his and
Cindy's cuffed hands on the kitchen counter.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	It looks like I'll have to give you
	something to remember me by...This
	is really going to hurt.

Cleaver come down hard.

CU of Cindy screaming in SLO-MO.

REVEAL Hanson's crooked penis on the counter, the foreskin
cut-off.

		HANSON  (CONT'D)
	I've been meaning to do this since
	my Bar Mitzvah... Here.

Hanson hands her the piece of foreskin.

As she stares at in horrified shock, Hanson slips his baby
hand out of the cuffs, no problem, and runs off.

Cindy runs after him, hair still caught, dragging the
refrigerator after her.

Theo and Brenda arrive.

		BRENDA
	Cindy, what's going on?

		CINDY
	It's Hanson, he's evil. Let's get
	him!

The girls free Cindy and they run off. Cindy's hair is
frozen stiff in the air with a pork chop stuck to it.  They
leave Shorty behind, passed out at the table.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- LATER

Ray and Buddy are scoping out the area.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

As the knob begins to turn, Buddy and Ray take aim.

The door opens. A very disheveled Dwight, on his hands and
knees, appears.

		DWIGHT
	Ouch...
		(ALTERNATE)
	Mommy...

Buddy and Ray help Dwight into a chair.

		BUDDY
	Dwight, are you okay?

		DWIGHT
	I can't feel my legs.

		RAY
	You never could feel your legs.

		DWIGHT
	What do you know about it?!...
	Listen, the ghost is too powerful.
	The only chance we have is to use
	this machine.
		(to Buddy)
	I need you to go get the others and
	meet us upstairs.

		BUDDY
	Okay...

Buddy runs out.

		DWIGHT
		(hesitantly)
	Alright... I might need your help.

		RAY
	My help?

		DWIGHT
	A little bit... Give me your belt.

		RAY
	I'm not even wearing any drawers.
	Forget about a belt.

		DWIGHT
	Okay, give me my belt.

Ray checks Dwight's pants.

		RAY
	You're not wearing a belt.

		DWIGHT
	Alright, go to the belt store...

AS THEY CONTINUE, WE:

						     CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY --NIGHT

Cindy, Brenda, and Theo start to lose articles of clothing.

Cindy removes a pin and lets down her hair.

MUSIC CUE: INDEPENDENT WOMAN

REVEAL:

Our girls now resemble "Charlie's Angels."

Hanson comes upon a locked gate and cartwheels between it.

Brenda and Theo brace their hand and help Cindy over the
gate.

Cindy leaps over the fence and grabs a chain hanging from
the ceiling and swings toward the Hanson. She kicks him in
the chest. He falls to the floor.

Cindy drops from the chain as Brenda and Brenda climb the
gate in cat-like fashion.

Hanson rises to his feet and strikes a defensive pose.

It's Cindy and Hanson. She takes a running leap and kick at
Hanson ala Cameron Diaz in "Charlie's Angels." She slowly
moves through the air at him until Hanson picks up a bat.

Cindy sees this and begins to back peddle, but it's too
late. Hanson swings and connects. SWACK!! He beans her in
the head and she goes flying.

The girls gather again on the other side in front if a
fountain and assume the famous "Charlie's's Angels" pose
with Theo and Brenda holding one leg up as Cindy squats in
the middle.  Now with the fountain behind them, it appears
all girls are taking a piss.

NEW ANGLE:

The girls are closing in. Hanson knows it.

		THEO
	Brenda!

Hanson snatches one of Brenda's braids and runs it under
his nose smelling it like the villain in "Charlie's Angels."

Brenda, angry, assumes a fierce, expert looking Kung Fu
pose -- but then breaks into a girlish schoolyard fighting
technique, arms pin-wheeling, etc.

Hanson then takes on Theo. She runs to back wall, flips and
roundhouse kicks him.

Hanson throws Theo into a wall.

Her boobs expand and break her fall.

It's now just Cindy and Hanson. Cindy begins to display
different Kung Fu fight techniques.

		CINDY
	The Crane style!

She does CRANE-like fighting moves --

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	The Crouching Tiger style!

She does TIGER-like fighting moves --

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	The Drunk Monkey!

Cindy starts stumbling around the room, acting drunk and
making monkey noises.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	The Mad Cow!

Cindy frowns, making a mad face and starts "mooing" like a
cow!

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	The Horny dog!

Cindy begins humping Hanson's leg wildly. Then she gets
carried away with her impressions of different animals, a
deer, a bear, etc. Hanson watches her totally entertained.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	The Camel Toe!

This move disgusts Hanson.

Cindy does the "Crouching Tiger" tornado-spin upwards and
land on a higher level,,,,(JOKE TO COME).

Cindy finishes her moves and backs-up as Hanson starts to
short circuit.

The girls run in and they all watch the ghost starting to
combust.

Buddy runs up from the hall to the fence.

		BUDDY
	You gotta get out of there!

He holds open the gate as the girls run down the hall.

They give one last look back as Hanson explodes.

Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo run to the lab.

						     CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo enter to find Ray and Dwight
there.

		DWIGHT
	There's only one thing left to do.
	You guys, go upstairs and get the
	machine ready!

						     CUT TO:

INT. MUSIC ROOM/FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

The group is gathered. Dwight is strapped to Ray's back.

		DWIGHT
	Someone is going to have to lure
	him onto the platform.

		CINDY
	I'll go.

		BUDDY
	Cindy, Let me...

		CINDY
	No, Buddy, I'm the one he wants.

		BUDDY
	Actually, I was going to say let me
	have your computer if you die.

Cindy moves to the foyer.

		DWIGHT
	Cool, but remember, as soon as he
	gets on the platform you gotta get
	out of there.
		(ALTERNATE:)
	Nobody wants to go.

		CINDY
	Alright, let's take a vote...

Rest to come...

Cindy crosses into the foyer. Buddy, Ray, Dwight, and Theo
stand in the doorway.

The machine is gathered at the bottom of the steps. Cindy
moves about, yelling to the ghost.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Hugh Kane, it's me you want, come
	get me! I'm not afraid anymore! Show
	yourself!

Suddenly, the foyer windows explode. The ghost breaks
through the window. Coming down the steps, he trips and
falls. The ghost rises into frame, stepping on the machine.

		GHOST
	Prepare to die!
		(ALTERNATE LINE:)
	Now you will be mine forever!

Cindy stands in the circle.

Buddy throws the switch.

A digital read-out... 10...9...8...7...

		BUDDY
	Cindy, get outta there. You'll be
	killed.
		(ALTERNATE:)
	Do something, Dwight!

		DWIGHT
	I can't, she's still on the
	platform. If I throw the switch
	she'll die. Ahh! No!!!

		RAY
	I'll get her.

With no concern for his safety, Ray, still with Dwight
strapped to his back, bolts towards Cindy.

CLOSE ON:

Ray. He's running in dramatic slo-mo.

		THEO
	Why is he running so slow?

Brenda shrugs.

		BRENDA
	Ray, run faster.

		RAY
	Okay.

Ray looks back and nods. He breaks outta slo-mo and speeds
towards Cindy.

Digital read-out...3...2...  1... Ray tackles Cindy,
hurling her out of the way just as the machine's energy
field zaps the ghost.

Cindy, Ray and Dwight hit the ground with a bone-jarring
impact.

		CINDY
	Ray, you saved my life. Are you
	okay?

		RAY
	Yeah, I broke my fall.

Dwight, all wuzzy, complains.

The force-field turns on and the ghost is instantly in
agony. He screams.

Cindy manages to drag herself to the ghost.

		CINDY
	Don't fight it. Let it go. It's
	time for you. Rest time. Peace.
	Carolyn is waiting for you on the
	other side.

These words make the ghost relax. His evil expression
changes.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Yes, go to her. You will be
	together with her for eternity.

A brilliant, heavenly light ala the final scene in "GHOST."

Syrupy music begins to play.

The ghost smiles. He places his hand against Cindy's as a
kind of gesture of good-bye.

Music swells.

Ghost rises towards the light.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Goodbye, Hugh Kane.

		GHOST
	Take care of yourself, Cindy.

Suddenly, another ghost appears. It's Alex. Ray, Dwight and
Cindy turn their heads from the bright light.

		ALEX
	There you are, my love. I've been
	looking for you. Now we can be
	together forever.

The ghost's expression changes to fear. He begins to
leave...

		ALEX  (CONT'D)
	Don't you float away from me.

		GHOST
	No! No!

		ALEX
	Don't you run from me!... I'm
	coming my love!

In a flash, both Alex and the Ghost are sucked into the
light and disappear.

						     CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

As the Ghost goes off to his wretched eternal fate with
Alex in the afterlife, the kids look around at each other.
Outside the window, dawn is beginning to break. Birds are
chirping.

		RAY
	We did it, you guys! We made it!

The gang--Cindy, Brenda, Ray, Buddy, Theo and Dwight--hug.
Shorty wanders into the room.

		SHORTY
	Hey, y'all! What's going on?

		CINDY
	Shorty! You're alive!! But...what
	about your head?

		SHORTY
	That turned out to be a good thing!
	It's gonna make smuggling a whole
	lot easier. Remember that weed? I'm
	about to get paid.

Cindy and Shorty hug.

		CINDY
		(triumphant)
	Come on, guys Let's get out of here.

Suddenly, the door opens.  A ray of blinding sunlight
floods the room. Father McFeely enters with some COPS and
EMTS.

		FATHER MCFEELY
	I'm afraid we're too late.

The kids watch, confused, as the priest and the officers
rush past without acknowledging they're even there. The kids
look bewildered.

COP #1 WALKS UP TO COP #2

		COP #2
	I found one in the kitchen.

COP #3 runs up to Cop #1 and Cop #2, very excited.

		COP #3
	There's ass, blood and guts
	everywhere!

Cop #1 gives them the "thumbs up" and walks away without
saying a word. Cop #3 and Cop #3 walk away. On the back of
each of their jackets reads "DIRECTOR'S RELATIVE." Then Cop
#1 walks away revealing the back of his jacket,"JUST AN
EXTRA."

Cindy runs up to Father McFeely.

		CINDY
	Father!

		MCFEELY
	My child, you're alive!

		CINDY
	Yes, we made it!

		MCFEELY
	We? What do you mean ...we?

		CINDY
	Me and my friends... You see there
	was this ghost. He came out of
	nowhere and....

		MCFEELY
	My child you are the only survivor.

		CINDY
	No, my friends are right here!

The kids stand in a group behind Cindy, but McFeely looks
right through them.

		MCFEELY
	I'm sorry.

		CINDY
	Father, I don't understand. Tell me
	what happened?

		MCFEELY
	Soon, but first I must bless this
	house.

McFeely walks off.

Ray and Dwight, still strapped to each other, watch the
entire scenario. They look at the others.

		RAY
	You mean to tell me we're dead!

		DWIGHT
	I guess so.

Ray undoes his belt and Dwight falls of his back. Dwight
tries to stand up, but even though he's dead, his legs don't
work.

		CINDY
	Noooooooo!

Suddenly, a bus (or car) drives through, smashing Cindy.

		THE END

POSTSCRIPT

Version #5

INT. DORMROOM -- DAY

Cindy sits at her desk talking to someone off screen.

		CINDY
	Now that we're out of the house and
	back at school, I know that
	everything's going to be okay. I'm
	doubly lucky that I made it out of
	the house with you...

Reveal Cindy is talking to the bird.

		BIRD
	Will you just shut up? Shut the
	fuck up!

The PHONE RINGS.

		CINDY
	Hello? Oh hi Dad. Yeah, I'm so
	happy to be back in college. I love
	my new roommate, but I have to say I
	was a little nervous at first
	because she's so religious.

Show Megan fucking herself with a crucifix.

		MEGAN
	Let Jesus fuck me!

Megan's head spins around, then she spews green vomit and
piss everywhere.

		CINDY
	And I got the cutest little parrot.
	Birds are such clean animals, he's
	no trouble at all!

		BIRD
	Uh, what do they put in this
	birdseed?

The bird sprays shit out his ass all over her wall.

		CINDY
	Sorry to bother you about this, Dad
	but I need you to send me some more
	money.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	For some reason, the college
	wouldn't accept the cash you sent
	for my tuition.

She looks at a stack of 100's that are obviously
counterfeit smeared ink, "One Hundred Dollars" spelled
wrong, Ben Franklin in dreadlocks.

Cindy loads some items into a care package; a copy of "The
Hurricane," a shank, a zip gun, a file, a carton of
cigarettes.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Keep checking your mailbox, I'm
	sending you a care package. Oh, and
	I'm putting in a little something
	for your bitch Dwayne.

She puts an industrial-size bottle of "Ass-troglide" into
the box.

There's a knock at the door.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	There's Buddy! Gotta go! Bye Dad!

Cindy opens the door, and Buddy is waiting there with a
bunch of flowers. Cindy smiles, then punches him through the
flowers, in the chest.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Open chest!

Buddy is sprawled on the floor with the wind knocked out of
him, flowers everywhere.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Gotta be faster than that, thimble
	dick!

CINDY AND BUDDY EXIT.

Megan keeps spewing and swearing.

		REGAN
	Fuck me! Fuck me!

		BIRD
	Girl, I wouldn't fuck you if I was
	lying in the desert dying of thirst,
	with buzzards all around, and your
	ass was a water fountain.

						     CUT TO:

INT. DORM HALLWAY -- DAY

Tommy is pacing up and down the hall, shaking
uncontrollably. Ray walks up.

		RAY
	Yo' Tommy, what up, man?

		TOMMY
	I'm totally freakin' dude. I keep
	having these nightmares, then I wake
	up screaming with these awful back
	spasms. I can't take it anymore, man.

		RAY
	Aww, man. You just need to chill
	out. Come on, there's this party
	tonight it's gonna be fun. Lot's of
	alcohol and honeys.

		TOMMY
	Alright, but I ain't drinking. and
	you're gonna have to look after me.

		RAY
	Don't worry, I got your back.

Ray puts his arm around Tommy and they walk off down the
hall.

We see a TATTOO "RAY FUCKED ME." on his back. Ray moves his
hand and we see another tattoo that says ..."AGAIN!"

						     CUT TO:

EXT. DORM BUILDING ENTRANCE - A LITTLE LATER

Buddy and Cindy exit the dorm. Buddy stops Cindy on the
steps.

		BUDDY
	There's something I really want to
	share with you.

		CINDY
	There's something I want to share
	with you too. Here, smell this.

Cindy swipes her finger under Buddy's nose. Buddy reacts,
and Cindy runs off.

EXT. PARK - A LITTLE LATER

Cindy and Buddy are sitting under a tree together.

		BUDDY
	Cindy, about this whole friendship
	thing ...

		CINDY
	Yeah, I know, I just love having a
	guy for a friend.

		BUDDY
	I know, but I've been thinking --

		CINDY
		(interrupting)
	I know, but I've been thinking --

		BUDDY
	Listen to me I --

		CINDY
		(interrupting)
	Listen to me I --

		BUDDY
	Look, what I'm trying to say --

		CINDY
		(smiling, fucking
		with him)
	Look, what I'm trying to say --

Buddy slaps Cindy in the back of the head.

		BUDDY
	Stop it! I'm just trying to say I
	think we should take our friendship
	to the next level.

		CINDY
	Oh.

		BUDDY
	I don't want to be your friend like
	this anymore.

		CINDY
	Then what are we going to do?

		BUDDY
	You know, walking on the beach,
	holding hands, kissing, making
	love...

		CINDY
	That sounds kinda gay, but since
	you're a guy, I guess it's okay.

		BUDDY
	Let's get a hot dog.

They get up and start walking. Buddy sees a bee and
protects her from it.

		BUDDY  (CONT'D)
	Hey, look out, a bee!

		CINDY
		(charmed)
	Oh, Buddy, I've never had someone
	be so protective of me!

		BUDDY
	That's what your man is supposed to
	do.

						     CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- CONTINOUS

Cindy and Buddy come upon an ICE CREAM VENDOR busy working
on his cart.

		BUDDY
	Hey, wanna' share a soda?

		CINDY
	Oh, Buddy, that's so romantic.

		BUDDY
	Yeah.
		(then)
	Can I borrow five bucks?

Cindy pulls the cash out of her pocket.

		CINDY
	What should we get?

		BUDDY
	I don't care. You pick.

		CINDY
	Hot dogs.

The vendor turns to reveal it's Hanson.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	Oh my God! Buddy, what are we going
	to do?

No response. Cindy turns to see Buddy sprinting across the
campus.

		CINDY  (CONT'D)
	It was you...

		HANSON
	Yes, it was me all along. I killed
	Hugh Kane and his mistress.

		CINDY
	Both of them?

		HANSON
	Didn't I just say that? Fucking
	listen. Anyway, I did it all for
	Carolyn. He never appreciated her,
	but I worshipped that woman and
	still she rejected me. So, I came
	back for you. Just like I did for
	Carolyn.

		CINDY
	This can't be happening?

		HANSON
	Now you'll be mine, Cindy.

Hanson moves toward Cindy.

		CINDY
	Noooo!!!

		HANSON
	Yes!!!!

BLAM! Hanson is blindsided by a car which misses Cindy by
mere inches, but kills him dead.

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

SHORTY is driving the car, surprised by the thud.

		SHORTY
	What?

A girl with a BAG over her head (the ghoul), lifts her head
up off his lap, revealing a hole in the bag through which
she was blowing him, as we...

						   FADE OUT.
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