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FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
FADE IN: Very happy, Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in. PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South Park. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as they walk by. It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast'. A little eight year old boy walks happily down the street. He is STAN MARSH, a noble looking boy with piercing blue eyes and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song. STAN I'm going to the movies To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movie Everything's gonna be alright! Forget all my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how I should view the world Where everything works out I love it that way I'm going to the movies The movies today! Stan merrily walks up to a crappy looking house. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes off. BRRRRRTTT!!! RADIO ANNOUNCER Good morning South Park! It's five-thirty a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses and water the cows!! From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet. We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his closet and pulls out an orange coat. The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face. MOTHER (O.S.) KENNY! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!! This boy's name is KENNY, and under his orange coat, we have no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and hazel eyes. KENNY Mph rmph rm! INT. KENNY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are sitting at the humble table. KENNY'S MOTHER Sit down, you can share some of your brother's waffle. The doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door. EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE - DAY Kenny opens the door to find Stan. STAN Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come?! Stan shows Kenny a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new Terrance and Phillip movie 'Asses of fire'. Kenny's eyes light up. KENNY Mph rmph rm, rmph! Kenny walks away with Stan. His mother comes out after him. KENNY'S MOTHER Kenny! Where're you going? KENNY Mph mprh mprh rm! KENNY'S MOTHER What do you mean you don't want to go to church? KENNY Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph. Kenny and Stan walk down the street. KENNY'S MOTHER Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And then when you die and go to hell you can ANSWER TO SATAN!! Dramatic MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute... And then walks off with Stan anyway. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the happy beat. TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his Rhinoplasty office. TOM Say, where are you boys going? STAN We're going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! Where everyone is beautiful And have their hair combed just right! KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm! Mph rm rmph rm! Mprh rm rmph rm rm Rmph rm rmph rm rmph! TOM Have fun you rascals! EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY Kenny and Stan knock at the door. A handsome eight year old Semite, KYLE, answers the door. KYLE Hey, dudes... Aren't you supposed to go to church, Kenny? STAN Kyle, check it out. Kenny holds up the newspaper clipping. KYLE OH MY GOD, DUDE!!! Kyle slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then, Kyle's little brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian boy bounces up next to him. KYLE No, Ike! You can't come with me! Kyle's MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells. KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle, you take your little brother out to play with you! KYLE Aw, ma!! KYLE'S MOTHER Do as I say, Kyle! Kyle's mother closes the door. KYLE Damn it!! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the street and sing in unison. BOYS We're going to the movies To see the better side of life Where something interesting happens Every day and night! KYLE In movies we can pretend That love is real and good always wins- STAN We can even make believe marriages last! A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley. HOMELESS GUY Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar? Stan walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy suddenly jumps up. HOMELESS GUY I'm going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movies Everything's gonna be alright! Forget my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how to view the world! KYLE Let's go get fat ass! EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - DAY This house looks just like all the others. INT. THAT SAME HOUSE CLOSE UP on a bag that reads 'CHEESY POOFS'. A hand reaches into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises them -- BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN who chows down on the chips. Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television. The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn't move a muscle. CARTMAN MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR! CARTMAN'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque (except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns with Stan, Kyle and Kenny. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Look, Eric it's your little friends. CARTMAN What the hell are you guys doing here? IKE Baba turtre bad! Kyle holds up the newspaper ad. CARTMAN Ooh! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and singing. BOYS We're going to the movies To see the better side of life! CARTMAN Maybe there'll be pirates! Or a whole city burnin'! Maybe we'll see a monster Or, better yet, Uma Thurman! BOYS We're going to the movies! Everything's gonna be okay! The boys skip out of frame. EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South Park buildings. The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY. BOYS Going to the movies! The movies today!!!!! STAN Can I get five tickets to Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire, please? TICKET GUY No. Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film comes to an ABRUPT HALT. The boys look confused. KYLE What'dya mean, no? TICKET GUY Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire is rated 'R'. You kids can't get in. The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence. CARTMAN The hell we can't! My money is just as good as any white person's! TICKET GUY You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. KYLE But why? TICKET GUY Because this movie has naughty language, and it might make you kids start using bad words. CARTMAN Listen you son of a bitch, if you don't let us in to see this movie I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts. TICKET GUY Sorry, Charlie. KYLE Damn it! TICKET GUY Next, please? A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step aside. STAN This is terrible! This can't be happening!! KYLE We HAVE to see this movie, dude! CARTMAN Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway. KYLE Cartman! What the hell are you talking about?! You LOVE Terrance and Philiip! CARTMAN Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it probably can't sustain itself over ninety minutes. IKE Poo baba! STAN Wait! I've got an idea! EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - A LITTLE LATER The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the Ticket Guy with the boys. HOMELESS GUY Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire. TICKET GUY You realize this movie is rated R? It may not be appropriate for your little ones. HOMELESS GUY Oh. (Turning to boys) Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you. STAN (Whispering) Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of Vodka and not forget about how miserable your life is and not stop the voices in your head then go right ahead. HOMELESS GUY Five tickets please. The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over. INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink. IKE Purpre mama! KYLE Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting! ANGLE - MOVIE SCREEN A TITLE reads 'Terrance and Phillip - Asses of Fire' BOYS HOORAY!!! On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome Canadian star with a great body. PHILLIP Say Terrance, what did the Spanish Priest say to the Uranian gynecologist? PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally handsome in a more rugged way. TERRANCE I don't know, Phillip, what? Phillip rips a big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. ANGLE - BOYS Laughing their asses off. KYLE That was sweet! STAN Where do they come up with this stuff?! CARTMAN How come Terrance and Phillip are so weird looking? KYLE Cuz, dummy they're Canadian, just like Ike! CARTMAN Oh. IKE Poo bada! ANGLE - SCREEN TERRANCE You're such a pigfucker, Phillip! PHILLIP What?! Why would you call me a pigfucker?! TERRANCE Well, let's see... First of all, you fuck pigs. PHILLIP Oh yeah! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. ANGLE - BOYS KYLE Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they said? ANGLE - SCREEN Terrance pulls out a white envelope. TERRANCE Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I just got a letter! PHILLIP A letter from who, you shit sucking cock master? TRACK IN on the boys' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from the film enters their innocent ears. TERRANCE It's from your mother. PHILLIP My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it say? TERRANCE It says 'Dear Terrance, please don't ever tell my son that I licked your hairy balls.' Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. PHILLIP Oh, you fucking ball whore! The boys don't laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy taking it all in. CARTMAN Wow... Ball whore... TERRANCE Listen, you donkey raping shit eater- KYLE (To himself) Donkey raping shit eater. IKE Doky maping she deeder!!! TERRANCE You'd fuck your uncle! PHILLIP YOU'D fuck your uncle! TERRANCE (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!! You're an asslicking, Ball sucking Unclefucka!! You're an Unclefucka, yes it's true Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you- PHILLIP SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!! UNCLEFUCKA!!! YOU'RE the one that fucked your Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!! You don't eat, or sleep or mow the lawn You just fuck your Uncle all day long! TERRANCE & PHILLIP Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka! You butt licking bastard Unclefucka! TERRANCE You're an Unclefucka I must say! PHILLIP You fucked YOUR Uncle yesterday! TERRANCE & PHILLIP Unclefucka! That's YOUUUUUUU!!!!! The song ends and the boys erupt into applause. EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide smiles. KYLE Dude, that movie was fucking sweet! CARTMAN You bet your fucking ass it was! STAN Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip! TICKET GUY Hey wait a minute... Where's your guardian? STAN Huh? TICKET GUY I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you! The boys think a second. CARTMAN Suck my balls. KYLE Yeah, (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!! The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock. TICKET GUY Oh oh, I'm in trouble. BOYS (Singing, fading off) You're an asslicking, ball sucking Unclefucka!! EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY All the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for ice skating. The scene is reminiscent of the skating scene from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate, and joyous music plays. The boys walk up to the pond. CLYDE Hey, where have you guys been all day? STAN Oh, nowhere... We just went out to go see the TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE! All the kids gasp! Dramatic MUSIC STING. BEBE You saw it?! CLYDE How'd you get in?! Suddenly, all the kids are gathered around the boys. They're like celebrities. CARTMAN Hey! Stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters! All the kids stop, wide eyed. As if they've just hear the voice of God. KIDS Wowwww... STAN Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass ramming unclefuckers. KIDS Ooooohhh!!! CLYDE (To another kid) We HAVE to see this movie, dude. The other kids nod. CARTMAN Hey Stan, tell 'em about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart! Stan? Stan? But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER. The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sing, as Wendy skates around and around, performing a series of impossible Triple Lutzes, Sowcows and what-have-you-not's. All the animals of the forest -- deer, birds, bunnies -- all stop to admire her. Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what he's looking at. STAN Thank my lucky stars Here before me now Is everything I'd ever hoped for Knew it in a word Saw it in a glance The only thing I think I'd die for... KYLE Aw, God Damn it, he's singing that fucking song again. ANGLE - WENDY Spinning and soaring in slo-mo. Effortlessly covering every inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers. Stan is slack-jawed. STAN I can't stop now My heart's awake I pray her arms my arms to take So this is why I'm ali- Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice in his face and abruptly ending his song. WENDY Hi, Stan! Stan vomits profusely all over himself. WENDY Ew! Gross! Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He speaks with a rich English accent. GREGORY Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly brush. Stan looks at Gregory. STAN Who are you, kid? GREGORY My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's counter-cousin for some time. WENDY Want to skate with us? GREGORY We've been skating all morning. And laughing and talking of memories past. Gregory skates away. Stan looks stunned. Finally, he tries to get Wendy's attention. STAN We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie! WENDY That's nice, Stan. Wendy skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected. KYLE Woa, dude, who's your girlfriend's new guy? STAN She's not my girlfriend, dude! Meanwhile, the schoolkids are all still gathered around Cartman. CARTMAN Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me? I said, "Who wants to touch me?!" A small boy steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman's arm. SMALL BOY Oooooh... EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - MORNING Establishing shot of the little town of South Park which consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background. It's a brand new day. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two mountain peaks. INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing. KIDS Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!! You're a shitsucking, cocksucking Unclefucka!! The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down. CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to be speaking. MR. HAT Okay, children, let's take our seats. As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality. MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT) We have a lot to learn and precious little time. Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt, except, of course, for Wendy. MR. GARRISON Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of Sigfried and Roy? KYLE It's not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison, it's Terrance and Phillip. KIDS TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!! Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan sulks. MR. GARRISON Well, anyway... Today children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the environment. MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT) That's right, Mr. Garrison. The environment is what surrounds us. It is what we live and breathe. CARTMAN I hate the environment. KYLE Dude, how can you hate the environment? CARTMAN 'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it. The kids all GASP! MR. GARRISON Eric! Did you just say the "F" word? CARTMAN Fragile? KYLE No, he's talking about fuck, dude. You can't say fuck in front of Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Kyle! CARTMAN Why the fuck not? MR. GARRISON Eric! STAN Dude, you just said fuck again. MR. GARRISON Stanly! KENNY Mph. MR. GARRISON Kenny! CARTMAN That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip can say something, I should be able to say it too! BEBE Wow, Cartman's cool! CLYDE He's like Terrance and Phillip! Cartman gloats proudly. CARTMAN Fuckin' a right. MR. GARRISON How would you like to go to the principal's office? CARTMAN How would you like to gargle rat jiz? Mr. Garrison is in shock. MR. GARRISON WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! CARTMAN I said - Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it to his mouth. It feeds back horribly. CARTMAN (Through megaphone) HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?! Garrison is floored. KYLE Oh, dude we are fucked now. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY The boys are seated in front of the Principal's desk. STAN Now remember, don't tell anybody we saw the Terrance and Phillip movie! KYLE Yeah, let's swear we won't tell! Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA, a frizzy haired woman of about forty. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA I am VERY disappointed in you boys! You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've already called in your parents, but first I want you to THINK about what you've done. CARTMAN Principal Victoria, can I ask a question? PRINCPAL VICTORIA What? CARTMAN What's the big fucking deal? STAN Yeah. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA AGH!! I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities! The boys look at each other. STAN Nowhere. KYLE I'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before... STAN Yeah! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said- (Reading) 'Eat penguin shit you cum sucking ass spelunker' in school! The boys all laugh. But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's mother, Cartman's mother and Kenny's mother. STAN Oh, oh... PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Thank you all for coming on such short notice. As you can see, your boys are all being disciplined. STAN'S MOTHER This just isn't like you, Stanley! Stan looks down at the floor. KYLE'S MOTHER What did my son say, Principal Victoria? Did he say the S word? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA No, it was worse than that... KYLE'S MOTHER (Gasping) The F word?! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA No, worse. Here's a short list of the things they've been saying. The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their eyes bulge. STAN'S MOTHER Oh dear God... KYLE'S MOTHER What is 'fisting'? CARTMAN'S MOTHER That's when the fist is inserted into the anus or vagina for sexual pleasure. The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman. CARTMAN'S MOTHER What? KYLE'S MOTHER (To Kyle) Young man, you will tell Peincipal Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all these horrible phrases! KYLE I can't dude! We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy! CARTMAN It was the Terrance and Phllip movie! STAN Dude! CARTMAN What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of here. KYLE'S MOTHER Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt! Not again! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA What is Terrance and Phillip? KYLE'S MOTHER Terrance and Phillip are two VERY untalented, unfunny actors from Canada. Their TV show is filled with toilet humor and bad language and is just complete garbage. Now it appears they have a movie and I'm positive it's not suitable for children! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well, it looks like I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents. I have to put a stop to this before MORE children see 'Terrance and Phillip'. CARTMAN Everybody's already fucking seen it. MS. CARTMAN Eric! CARTMAN I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie has warped my fragile little mind. KYLE'S MOTHER Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and let us adults speak. The boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door behind them. KYLE'S MOTHER We must take action on this immediately. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give detention to those boys. KYLE'S MOTHER Forgive me for saying so, Principal Victoria, but your methods are too... Shall we say... soft? As head of the PTA, I am exercising my right under article 42 of the PTA code. A look of shock comes over the principal's face. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Article 42! You don't mean-?! KYLE'S MOTHER Yes Principal Victoria. The PTA is impeaching you. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA But I- KYLE'S MOTHER You are officially relieved of your duties as principal of this school! Kyle's mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk. KYLE'S MOTHER Get out of that chair! The PTA is in charge now! INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The other school kids are in line for lunch. Just then, the Kyle's mother's voice comes blaring through the P.A. KYLE'S MOTHER Attention students. We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY. The kids look down. They're all wearing Terrance and Phillip shirts. KIDS HOOORAY!!! The kids all cheer and run out the door. Leaving the cafeteria absolutely empty... Except for Wendy. WENDY Hello? Wendy's hello echoes throughout the entire building. INT. TELEVISION SET A dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk. NEWS ANCHOR All over America, kids are flocking to the R rated film, 'Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire'. Here with a special report, is a quadriplegic midget in a bikini. INT. SPELLING BEE - DAY A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the camera with a microphone. Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects of the Canadian Comedy are far reaching indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. A TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant. TEACHER Alright, this is for the silver medal. Spell 'Forensics'. KID Oh, fuck that, why should I fucking have to spell forensics? All the kids cheer. KID Here you go; S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, FORENSICS. CUT TO: EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY A happy birthday party is going on is some kids backyard. A clown is entertaining everyone. CLOWN Hey kids, how would you like to see some magic tricks?! KIDS FUCK YOU!! The clown looks startled. CLOWN Huh? CHILD Yeah, and fuck your stupid little red nose. CHILD 2 Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. And fuck your gay pants. PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a graphic of a record chart next to him. Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI And the devastating impact of the Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Unclefucka" which has climbed the charts with a bullet -- We see a clip from the video, "Unclefucka." The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of the camera. TERRANCE & PHILLIP (Singing) Shut your fucking face! Unclefucka!! INT. NEWSROOM - DAY The news anchor shakes his head in disgust. NEWS ANCHOR Thanks, midget. Shocking report. The controversy surrounding the Terrance and Phillip movie began in the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado where the local PTA banned the movie. With us tonight is the head of the South Park PTA, Sheila Brofloski- A screen appears with Kyle's mother, looking very pissed. The TITLE below her reads 'Outraged Mother'. NEWS ANCHOR Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or is it Canada? KYLE'S MOTHER Canada! NEWS ANCHOR Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the Canadian Minister of Movies. A split screen appears, Kyle's mother on one side, and a goofy looking Canadian slides into the other. NEWS ANCHOR Thank you, Minister, for joining us. CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES Thanks for having me, buddy. NEWS ANCHOR Minister, parents all over America are concerned about your country's entertainment. Your thoughts? CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES Well, the film is R rated, and it's not intended for children- KYLE'S MOTHER Oh but OF COURSE children are going to see it!! CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? ...The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage- KYLE'S MOTHER YOU JUST DON'T CARE! CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish? ...The United States has graphic images of violence on television all the time, what is that one show? COPS? And car crashes caught on tape? We can't believe that a movie with some foul language and fart jokes would piss you off so much. KYLE'S MOTHER BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!! CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? ... ... Uh... Okay, I'm finished. NEWS ANCHOR But minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Brian Adams a few decades ago. The Minister thinks. CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES What? KYLE'S MOTHER The Canadians are just mad that we mothers here in South Park have the chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children are now safe from your Canadian smut! INT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching the Terrance and Phillip movie. TERRANCE Well, Terrance I hope you learned something from this whole experience. PHILLIP I did, Terrance, I learned that you are a boner biting dick fart fuck face! The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored. TERRANCE Say Phillip, want to see the Northern Lights? PHILLIP You bet, Terrance! Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts. The flame burns Terrance to a blackened mass. PHILLIP HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by lighting the fart! HA HA HA!! TERRANCE (Just a skull) I sure did, Phillip!! The boys laugh hysterically. STAN Did you see that, Wendy? WENDY Yup. EXT. THEATER - DAY The boys walk out happily. KYLE Man, that movie gets better every time I see it! CARTMAN Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that. KENNY Mph rmpmh rm. CARTMAN No way. STAN Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy? WENDY Stan... I think you and I need some time apart. STAN WHAT?! CARTMAN Oh shit. WENDY It's just... It's obvious that we don't have a whole lot in common anymore. I need somebody who's... a little deeper. STAN But Wendy, I can go- Wendy places her little gloved hand over Stan's mouth. WENDY No. Don't speak. You'll only make things more annoying. Goodbye, Stan. And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to cry. Kyle walks up behind Stan. KYLE Dude, anybody who doesn't think Terrance and Phillip is funny can fuck off anyways. STAN (Insincere) Yeah... The boys walk off. KENNY Mph rmph rm!! CARTMAN No you can't Kenny! KENNY Mph rm rmph!! CARTMAN Okay Kenny, I'll bet you a HUNDRED DOLLARS you can't light a fart on fire! KENNY Mph mm! Kenny pulls out a book of matches. He strikes a match and holds it under his ass. After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame. Suddenly, the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive. KENNY MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!! Kenny runs around, and finally falls to the ground, still burning. STAN OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!! KYLE YOU BASTARD!! Cartman looks shocked. CARTMAN Wow, I guess you CAN do that! INT. HOSPITAL - LATER DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room ER style. Everything is quick and chaotic. Shouts fill the hallway. NURSE CBC chem kit STAT!! DOCTOR GAUCHE LOAD THAT I.V. WITH 70CCS OF SODIUM PENTOTHAL!! INT. OPERATING ROOM It's mid-operation. DOCTOR GAUCHE Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum! Another nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves into Kenny's skull. It starts to slurp and burble. DOCTOR GAUCHE Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus! NURSE Right! While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso, the nurse reaches into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside out in the process. Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctor and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny's innards. DOCTOR GAUCHE No! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!! NURSE Watch his liver!!! Kenny's liver POPS out of his torso and slides across the floor. ASSISTANT I'll get it!!! DOCTOR GAUCHE We have precious little time left people! We're going to lose him soon!! Suddenly, there is a long, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. NURSE Doctor, his heart's stopped! DOCTOR GAUCHE Crack him. Let's get it out of there!!! Doctor Gauche lifts Kenny's heart out of his body. DOCTOR GAUCHE We need to zap this, quick! And runs it to the microwave. He opens the door. DOCTOR GAUCHE Who's making a potato? DOCTOR 2 My bad, sir. I missed lunch. DOCTOR GAUCHE Damn it! I am NOT going to lose this kid!!!!!! INT. RECOVERY ROOM - LATER Fade up from black. We're close on Kenny's face. His little eyes start to open. Doctor Gauche leans over him Kenny. Stan and Kyle are there. DOCTOR GAUCHE Kenny. Kenny, can you hear me? Kenny stirs. KENNY (Weakly) Mph rmph rm... DOCTOR GAUCHE How are you feeling, son? KENNY mph.... rmph.... DOCTOR GAUCHE Great... Son, I have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about seven seconds to live. KENNY Mrm?! Just then, Kenny's baked potato heart explodes, splattering gore all over the inside of the recovery room and on the outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan and Kyle. STAN Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny! KYLE You bastards!! DOCTOR GAUCHE Damn it! It never gets any easier! Anybody get the score of that Broncos game? INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM Kyle's mother is waiting with the rest of the parents. The nurse walks up to Kenny's parents with a sad expression. NURSE I'm sorry... Kenny's mother breaks down. KENNY'S MOTHER Oh my God, they killed Kenny! KENNY'S DAD You bastards! KYLE'S MOTHER I knew this would happen! Those bastard Canadians have now killed a child! Can't people see the damage that film is doing?! STAN'S MOTHER He was killed doing something he saw in the movie. It was Terrance and Phillip... THEY killed Kenny. CARTMAN'S MOTHER You bastards. KYLE'S MOTHER This is it! The time for action is NOW!! (Singing) Something must be done! This is like a spreading rash! They're pulling out our children's brains and filling them with trash! Can't you see what this is leading to? A world of smut and sex and poo! I believe the good fight has begun! Something must be done! Everyone gathers around Kyle's mother. STAN'S MOTHER I agree! (Singing) Something must be done! We must take action fast! My child used to say 'please and thank you' Now he says suck my ass! CARTMAN'S MOTHER And my boy was the sweetest boy the world had ever known! until those damn Canadians brought that filth into our home! I agree that there is now a battle to be won! We can't just stand here singing! Something must be done! KENNY'S MOTHER But what are we going to do against the media machine? It's so big and powerful! KYLE'S MOTHER Right! And we can use that same media machine to exploit OUR cause! We've got to let the whole world know what the Canadians did to your son! PARENTS Yeah!! KYLE'S MOTHER COME ON! The parents all head out the door- EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS The doors to the hospital swing open, and the parents march out into the street, singing in unison as they go. PARENTS (Singing) Something must be done! Something's gotta give! This world has become a bitch in which we have no desire to live! Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in the middle of the road. People start honking their horns in frustration. KENNY'S MOTHER My boy could have become a doctor Or a lawyer rich and true Instead he burned up like a piggy on a bar-b-que! KYLE'S MOTHER We will fight for children's rights in memory of your son! PARENTS We can't just stand here singing! Something must be done! Cars are now smashing into each other, and flying off the road to people's deaths, as the music number has taken over the busy intersection. PARENTS We've pushed and pushed it to the edge And now the time has come! Something's gotta change! It's time to buy a gun! We can't just stand here singing No we can't just stand here singing No we can't just stand here singing! Something must be done!!! A few more cars careen off and explode into flames as if ending the song with a borage of fireworks. INT. OPERATING ROOM - The boys gather around Kenny's lifeless body. CARTMAN (Dazed) I bet him he couldn't do it... I bet him a hundred dollars! KYLE Come on, Cartman. It's not your fault. CARTMAN No, I know. I'm just fucking STOKED I don't have to pay him! KYLE Oh. The boys walk out, leaving Kenny's corpse behind. We can still hear the boys voices as they exit. KYLE (O.S.) I can't believe he's dead. CARTMAN (O.S.) Yeah, I'm having total deja vu right now. Like this has all happened before... After they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny's dead body, which is left all alone on the operating table. The camera continues to zoom in to Kenny's face... ZOOM IN on Kenny's dead face. We pass into his thoughs... FLASH!! EXT. SPACE - Kenny's body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL SONG plays as he soars upwards to the heavens. *note - except for Kenny's little construction paper body, this entire sequence should be done in 3D CGI. Ahead of him, Kenny can see a great white light. It appears warm and inviting. Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them. Kenny blissfully floats upward toward the bright light and bobbing breasts. The music crescendos as Kenny gets almost close enough to the light to touch it. Just then, a huge, electronic sign pops up. 'Access Denied'. Suddenly, Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to a MINISTRY type number as Kenny's surroundings start to become darker and more twisted. Kenny's hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel, filled with flames and heat. KENNY Mph rmph rm! Burning souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny, as his body plunges into what is now obviously the depths of hell. Kenny passes images of Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, hunger and disease as he continues through the twisting tunnel. He then passes images of Jimmy Stewart and Gandhi. All of whom are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity. EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The marquee still reads 'Terrance and Phillip' but a huge sticker has been placed over it that reads 'banned'. The boys stand underneath the marquee looking baffled. STAN How can they do this? KYLE It isn't fair! CARTMAN Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan O'Brian tonight, we could at least go watch that. The boys hang their heads and walks away. The ticket guy suddenly hears a bunch of commotion. He sees a mob of angry mothers, led by Kyle's mother. KYLE'S MOTHER THIS must be him, officer! This is the scum that sold R rated tickets to children! TICKET GUY What?! Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to! Barbrady slaps handcuffs on the freaked out teen. OFFICER BARBRADY You can explain downtown! TICKET GUY (Getting dragged away) Oh shit! Hey it's not MY fault! You should arrest those pervert Canadians! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag... We will... EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys are sitting on Cartman's couch watching TV. ANGLE - TELEVISION - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW Conan comes back from a commercial break. Sitting next to him, is Ms. Brooke Shields. CONAN O'BRIAN Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now, please welcome Terrance and Phillip! A few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few boos as well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in the audience holding 'Anti-Terrance and Phillip' signs. Terrance and Phillip walk out and sit next to Brooke Shields. PHILLIP Hello, Conan! TERRANCE Hello, Brooke Shields! CONAN It's nice to have you here in America. PHILLIP Yeah, well, you being a Canadian and all, we thought what the hell! CONAN O'BRIAN So guys... I understand you have a comedy routine worked out for us. PHILLIP We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse me, Terrance. TERRANCE Yes, Phillip? Phillip rips a fart that launches Terrance backwards and into the band. They both laugh wildly. PHILLIP Gotcha! Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody in the audience laughs. ANGLE - BOYS They laugh merrily. RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW TERRANCE Good one, Phillip! Cheers. PHILLIP Cheers, Terrance! Terrance extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing nervous. He looks out into the audience... Kyle's mother is sitting there, looking angry. Conan makes eye contact with her, and then nods his head. Kyle's mother nods back. CONAN O'BRIAN (Nervous) So, guys, I need to ask you a serious question... PHILLIP I just farted Terrance back into the stone age! They both laugh hard. Brooke Shields waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh. BROOKE SHIELDS I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon! TERRANCE Nobody cares, Brooke Shields! CONAN O'BRIAN Terrance and Phillip... Whose idea was it, to have a person lighting a fart on fire in your movie? Who is responsible for that? Terrance and Phillip exhange glances. TERRANCE Phillip, I think our friend Conan has been working too hard. CONAN O'BRIAN Say it! It was YOUR idea to have someone light a fart on fire in your movie! PHILLIP/TERRANCE (Together) It was our idea to have someone light a fart on fire in your movie. ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE Kyle's mother is among them, listening to all this. KYLE'S MOTHER (Into her lapel) That's it! Move, move, move! ANGLE ON TERRANCE AND PHILLIP A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip and arrest everyone in their group. KYLE'S MOTHER Terrance and Phillip, you are under arrest for working in America without the proper documents! WE GOT YOU! ANGLE - BOYS KYLE Dude, what the hell is going on? RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW TERRANCE Phillip, we've been tricked and ambushed by The Conan O'Brian Show!! PHILLIP This little scrotum sucker willfully deceived us! (Pointing to Conan) You are a bad man! TERRANCE And you call yourself a Canadian! (To Phillip) I told you we should of done Leno! Conan O'Brian turns away, ashamed. KYLE'S MOTHER Don't listen to them, Mr. O'Brian. They're master manipulators. You did a good job. TERRANCE You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. You... You laughed! Conan grabs his head. CONAN O'BRIAN What have I done?!!! Conan grabs a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke Shields with blood. BROOKE SHIELDS AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight AAAGHGH!!!! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. Kyle's mother cradles Conan's lifeless body. KYLE'S MOTHER You see what your filth has caused? TERRANCE US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock. STAN Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip! KYLE Our moms suck! CARTMAN This could mean... No more Terrance and Phillip - EVER! EXT. UNITED NATIONS - DAY Establishing shot. INT. UNITED NATIONS - GENERAL ASSEMBLY ROOM Lots of foreigners with their silly foreign outfits sit at their stupid microphones with their ridiculous translation headsets -- in the general assembly hall. The Canadian Ambassador stands before them. CANADIAN AMBASSADOR As The Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip! A MURMUR goes through the crowd. CANADIAN AMBASSADOR We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip! Without them we are doomed to recession! The United Nations head bangs his gavel. Now Kyle's mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers all wearing M.A.C T-shirts. KYLE'S MOTHER If I may? Everyone looks at Kyle's mother. KYLE'S MOTHER As president and founder of M.A.C., I would like to state- UNITED NATIONS HEAD Excuse me, M.A.C.? KYLE'S MOTHER Yes, Mothers Against Canada. UNITED NATIONS HEAD Kay. KYLE'S MOTHER I would like to state that Canada must learn to stop infiltrating our country with its graphic art! Cheers from the Americans. CANADIAN AMBASSADOR Last time I checked America was a free country! KYLE'S MOTHER Look at this! Kyle's mother pulls Kenny's mother up by the head. KYLE'S MOTHER This woman's child was KILLED by your country's humor! Look how upset she is! Kenny's mom looks fine. CANADIAN AMBASSADOR We will continue to sell Terrance and Phillip videos to anyone retarded enough to buy it!! KYLE'S MOTHER Then you leave me no choice... I call for an EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!! More cheers from the Americans. The Canadians look worried. INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY The boys are in the check out line at Bob's supermarket. CARTMAN What the hell do you mean I can't get Cheesy Poofs?! BOB Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian export. We can't carry them any more. KYLE Who the hell made up that law?! CARTMAN You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD Cheesy Poofs? They're a taste sensation with a delightful cheddar crunch. BOB There's nothing I can do. I can still sell you Cheese-o's. CARTMAN FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you! Cartman storms out. The boys follow him. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room. CARTMAN Come on, you guys... We have to THINK! STAN About what? CARTMAN About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This whole thing has gone too far! KYLE I don't really think you need Cheesy- Poofs, tubby- But the boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for them, silently. Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's mother's face looks almost evil. KYLE'S MOTHER Boys, we have to have a difficult discussion. KYLE We already know what you did. We saw it on television. STAN Yeah, how come you arrested Terrance and Phillip? STAN'S MOTHER Stanly, you're too young to understand what's good for you. That's why we mothers have taken charge. KYLE But they fucking didn't do anything wrong! CARTMAN Yeah! And what rim job expert went and outlawed Cheesy Poofs!? The mothers all gasp in horror. KYLE'S MOTHER What was that word, young man!? CARTMAN'S MOTHER Oh, he said rim job. It's when someone licks your ass for- KYLE'S MOTHER I know what it is! CARTMAN (To his mother) Lick someone's ass?! KYLE'S MOTHER The Terrance and Phillip movie has obviously done irreparable damage to their brains. We have to put them in rehab right away. KYLE What's that? KYLE'S MOTHER You boys need help. There are rehab centers that specialize in treating people with chronic addictions to bad language. STAN'S MOTHER There are? Kyle's mother thinks for a second. KYLE'S MOTHER Well no, I guess not... But we will establish the first of its kind right here in South Park. All the children in town will have to attend and receive treatment from the school counselor Mr. Mackey! Ooh I just love when I get these sorts of ideas! CARTMAN Why? So you can fuck up our life some more? CARTMAN'S MOTHER Eric! Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that way! CARTMAN But mom! I'm not fucking addicted to fucking bad language! I don't have a fucking problem! INT. HELL - DAY Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy, single shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes. KENNY Mphrmo? No answer... No nothing... Kenny continues on, flames shoot up randomly from the ground scaring the shit out of him. KENNY MPHR!! MMLY MMT! Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face to face with SATAN! Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose. Kenny's eyes bulge open. KENNY MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!! SATAN Fallen one... We have such sights to show you! Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across the room like a serpent, in a millisecond he is right up in Kenny's face. SATAN I am Satan. I am your God, now. KENNY MPH RM!!! Kenny tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies across the room and cuts Kenny off. SATAN Come with me. I will show you what delightful pain awaits. Two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him away. KENNY MMMMMPHPHP!!!! Just then, SADDAM HUSSEIN show up next to Satan. SADDAM HUSSEIN Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcome to hell, kid! Relax! Take a load off!! SATAN You remember... Saddam Hussein, don't you?! Kenny's eyes grow wide. KENNY MMMPPH!!! EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti- drug signs on the walls: "Crack is Whack"; "Get High on Pottery"; and, "I Go From Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds." MR. MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group. There's a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them. MR. MACKEY Mkay, it's come to my attention, that you boys have a potty-mouth problem, mkay. Now the sooner you recognize your problem, mkay, the sooner we can get you back to your third grade homeroom where you belong. KYLE But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our parents are over-reacting. BEBE Yeah, Wendy's here, and she doesn't even like Terrance and Phillip! Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she doesn't even acknowledge him. Meanwhile, Cartman is violently shaking in his seat. CARTMAN Ugh... You guys, seriously... I'm having Cheesy Poof withdrawal... MR. MACKEY Mkay, kids from all over the State have been brought here, because you all share the same problem. Uh, young man... Let's start with you. He points at Gregory. The little British bastard from the lake. GREGORY My name is Gregory... And I have a potty mouth. Wendy looks at Gregory. Stan notices this. CARTMAN You've got a stupid accent too. MR. MACKEY Eric, that is not appropriate. CARTMAN What? Fuck French people. Fuck 'em in the ear. MR. MACKEY Mkay, you see, children. This is exactly what I'm talking about. We have to change the way you think. GREGORY How are you gonna do that? Mr. Mackey crosses to a piano. He plays chords while speaking the following lines. MR. MACKEY There are times when you get suckered in, by drugs and alcohol and sex with wom-en. But it's when you do these things too much (Singing) That you've got to clear your head and get back in touch... Mr. Mackey plays the piano and sings: MR. MACKEY You can do it, it's all up to you, mkay? With a method, there's nothing you can't do, mkay? You don't have to spend your life addicted to crack Homeless on the streets giving hand- jobs for cash as long as you follow this simple plan I'm fully convinced that it's, easy, mkay... The kids are extremely disinterested. Mackey walks over to a chalkboard. MR. MACKEY Step one: Think about fun. Think about all that you'll miss addicted to this Step two: Think it all through. Think how's this gonna change my life, what am I gonna miss? Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug anything that gets in your way! And step four: Just don't do it anymore - it's easy, Mkay! Mackey gets the children in a circle all holding hands. MR. MACKEY Come on, kids! Sing along! KIDS (Extremely half-assed) You can do it, it's all up to you mkay? With a method, there's nothing you can't do, mkay? We don't have to spend our lives addicted to crack Homeless on the streets giving hand- jobs for cash MR. MACKEY As long as you follow my simple plan I'm fully convinced that it's, easy, mkay... Everyone starts dancing in a circle. KIDS Step one: Think about fun. Think about all that you'll miss addicted to this Step two: Think it all through. Think how's this gonna change my life, what am I gonna miss? Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug anything that gets in your way! And step four: Just don't do it anymore - it's easy, Mkay! MR. MACKEY It's easy, Mkay?! Everyone falls down laughing. INT. REHAB CENTER - LOUNGE Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey rolling around on the floor laughing on a security monitor. KYLE'S MOTHER What the hell do they think this is?! Summer camp?! INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER Just then, Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look, interupting the kids and Mr. Mackey who are still laughing merrily. The other mothers are behind her. KYLE'S MOTHER Mr. Mackey, what is going on?! Mr. Mackey stands up, looking scared. MR. MACKEY Uh, we're just, starting our program... KYLE'S MOTHER This is NOT a place for fun and games! This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!! We at MAC have a trial to go to! The mothers walk away. MR. MACKEY Mkay. CARTMAN God Damn it your mom is a bitch, Kyle. Kyle hangs his head. EXT. SUPREME COURT - DAY A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All around him are protestors, with signs that say CANADA NO! and CAN'TADA! Still others hold signs with Kenny on them. NEWS REPORTER Tom I'm standing in front of the U.S. Supreme Court where the most important trial of the - day - is happening. Thousands of people have shown up from all over the country to show their outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor little boy who was killed by the Canadians. Kenny's mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with Kenny's picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is 'Have you seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.' NEWS REPORTER Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the Canadians. KENNY'S MOTHER Yes, yes I do, Tom. NEWS REPORTER Did you ever think you would see the day when thousands of people were wearing your son Kenny on T-shirts? KENNY'S MOTHER No I didn't. But if any of you would like one they're 14.95. Available in blue or white. The reporter thinks for a second, and then turns back to the camera. NEWS REPORTER Well, we can only imagine the intense, vehement trial that is going on inside. INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY Terrance and Phillip are on the stand. JOHNNY COCHRAN Terrance and Phillip... You knowingly, with malice of forethought were trying to destroy American culture, yes or no? Terrance rips a fart. JOHNNY COCHRAN YES OR NO! INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch, huddled around a television. They laugh merrily. STAN Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us! INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY TERRANCE The Americans are just showing their TRUE COLORS as smelly bastards. PHILLIP Fight the power! TERRANCE The young boy that died lit himself on fire. It was unfortunate, but how can they blame US? PHILLIP Don't believe the hype!! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids all shout agreement. KIDS (Adlib) Yeah! WooHoo! BACK TO COURTHOUSE Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. TERRANCE You cannot oppress us! We will continue to pursue our art. We know there are Americans out there who will help us! Kyle's mother now stands up from the prosecutor's table. KYLE'S MOTHER Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We Americans do NOT allow that for our children!! PHILLIP Please. You teach your children that America is the land of the free. But it's all bullshit. You're one of the most conservative countries in the world! INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The children all listen, wide-eyed. INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY TERRANCE The problem is you don't allow your children to think for themselves. You try to raise them in a protective bubble, and then when they finally get old enough, they realize they've been lied to, and they resent you for it. PHILLIP Yeah, God, no wonder your country is so fucked up. KYLE'S MOTHER THAT IS ENOUGH!! TERRANCE WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors YOU from the world. KYLE'S MOTHER NO THEY DON'T! PHILLIP YES THEY DO! AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN MARCH OF LAST YEAR, THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE STAND BY' comes on. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids all watch, wide-eyed. KYLE What happened? WENDY The station CONVENIENTLY went blank. INT. CANADIAN PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of camera, looking right at us. CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER ATTENTION AMERICA!! You have taken our national treasure Terrance and Phillip. We, in turn, have taken yours... The Smothers Brothers! The Canadian Prime Minister steps out of the way, revealing the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind him. CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER I'll let you catch your breath... Now, release Terrance and Phillip, or else we will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers Brothers!! TOMMY SMOTHERS Please listen to them!! DICK SMOTHERS They're not fucking around!! CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER We're not fucking around. This is not aboot deals. This aboot dignity. This is aboot freedom... This is aboot respect. RETURN Terrance and Phillip NOW!!! Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the Prime Minister's ear. CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER Oh yeah... AND FUCK YOU, AMERICA! He raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and digitized. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER MR. MACKEY Okay kids, for today's rehabilitation activity, we're going to watch the Terrance and Phillip movie. STAN What?! KYLE Sweet! MR. MACKEY Now, this is an EDITED version of the movie, which was put out by the MPAA. That's the Motion Picture Association of America. WENDY Isn't that censorship? MR. MACKEY No the MPAA is NOT a censorship group. WENDY Why not? MR. MACKEY Uh... Because they say so... Mkay. Now I want you to watch this movie, with all the immature profanity taken out, and notice how much better a movie it becomes... Mackey puts the tape in and hits play. The TITLES come up 'Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire' Except that 'Asses' has been blurred out, and replaced with 'bunz'. KIDS HOORAY!!! The movie begins. Phillip walks in. But it isn't Phillip's voice, somebody has dubbed him over. DUBBED PHILLIP Hey Terrance. I feel like I'm going to pass gas near your head. DUBBED TERRANCE I would rather you didn't, Phillip. DUBBED PHILLIP Oh? Is that so? Phillip farts on Terrance. TERRANCE Oh, you are such a maroon! PHILLIP You would know, dummy. The boys look confused. TERRANCE You are pigeon-like in your intelligence. The pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a match on Phillip and Phillip burns to death. A TITLE comes up - THE END. And the credits roll. CARTMAN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! KYLE Dude, they cut out 92 minutes! The lights in the theater come up. MR. MACKEY So you see, the point and the theme of the film is kept intact. And of course, the MPAA didn't cut out any of the graphic violence. What did you think? CARTMAN Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to get the taste of ass out of my mouth from that piece of shit movie. MR. MACKEY Eric, you're not watching your mouth! CARTMAN You get me Cheesy Poofs with the delightful cheddar crunch, and I'll watch my fucking mouth! MR. MACKEY Eric!!!! You need to be rehabilitated. Help me to help you! CARTMAN Help yourself prickfuck! MR. MACKEY I am not a prickfuck, mkay? You little asshole! Mackey slaps his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared. CARTMAN Ha, ha, you stupid asshole prickfuck. INT. REHAB CENTER - SEPARATE ROOM Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C. KYLE'S MOTHER How is the children's progress? MR. MACKEY Very encouraging. Most of the children have been weened from their naughty mouths. KYLE'S MOTHER What do you mean MOST, why not ALL? MR. MACKEY (Nervous) Well, some of the children just don't respond to 12 step programs. KYLE'S MOTHER Then we'll have to resort to plan B and call the v-chip organization. Dramatic MUSIC STING. Mackey looks afraid. MR. MACKEY Mrs. Brovlofski, the V-chip hasn't been fully tested yet, it could be dangerous. KYLE'S MOTHER (Evil) I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate times call for desperate measures, Mr. Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of your situation. MR. MACKEY (Nervous) Alright, I'll make the call... INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of Terrance and Phillip. INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down. JUDGE Madam foreman, have you reached a verdict? FOREMAN We have, your honor. JUDGE How find you, the jury? FOREMAN We the jury, find the defendants... Terrance and Phillip... GUILTY of being complete bastards. The crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids sit in shock. KYLE Oh no! INT. COURTROOM - DAY TERRANCE Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means? PHILLIP We'll be farting bread and water for a few years. The judge bangs her gavel. JUDGE Terrance and Phillip, for crimes against the great nation of America you are hereby sentenced to DEATH. HUGE MUSIC STING. TERRANCE DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me! PHILLIP Aghgh! Phillip passes out. INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is silent. Finally, Kyle perks up. KYLE Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!! STAN How do we do that? Kyle thinks for a moment. WENDY You raise awareness by distributing buttons, stickers and leaflets. CARTMAN That'd be sweet! We could try to bring back Cheesy Poofs! KYLE Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and Phillip buttons! WENDY You guys don't even care. All you care about is seeing Terrance and Phillip fart on each other more. The boys sit there and blink. STAN Yeah! WENDY This is about freedom of speech, Stan, about censorship. The handsome English kid, Gregory chimes in. GREGORY Yes, what's next? Barcodes on our forearms? This country is the most fascist of all. Wendy looks at Gregory deeply. Gregory smiles at her. STAN What the hell are you talking about, kid? WENDY You don't get it Stan... You just don't get it. Wendy walks away. STAN What? What don't I get? (To Kyle) What don't I get? KYLE I don't know, dude. STAN That British dickhole is what's taking Wendy away from me! KYLE I thought she wasn't your girlfriend, dude. STAN She's Not! But if she WAS it would be THAT little asshole who's fucking it up for me! INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free Terrance and Phillip' buttons. MR. MACKEY Mkay, children, you've all made terrific progress, and are hereby done with the eight step program. The kids all AD LIB relief. CARTMAN Thank God, that sucked ass. MR. MACKEY Uh, except for you Eric. I'm afraid you need to work more on not saying the F word and the N word. CARTMAN The N word? MR. MACKEY (Reading) Norwegian Ass Raper. CARTMAN Oh yeah. MR. MACKEY The rest of you are graduated. You can go home today. The kids cheer. CARTMAN I don't graduate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THIS IS BULLSHIT?! Just then, Mackey notices the little buttons on everybody's shirts. MR. MACKEY Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh no... Mkay. KYLE (Proudly) We're protesting! STAN Yeah! MR. MACKEY Well, boys, it might interest you to know that your FRIENDS the Canadians have just bombed the U.S. STAN They did?! MR. MACKEY Yes, at six this morning they bombed the heck out of Cleveland. KYLE Oh. That doesn't count. WENDY They only bombed Cleveland because we're going to Execute two of their citizens!! MR. MACKEY Wendy, Mkay, if you want to start getting political, I'll throw your skinny little butt right back into rehab. Mkay? CARTMAN HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE?! MR. MACKEY No, Eric... I'm afraid it's phase two for you... Dramatic MUSIC sting. INT. HELL - DAY Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell. Demons and ghouls surround him. SATAN Prepare thyself for unending pain! Unparalleled misery!! Kenny starts to cry. Saddam Hussein comes out from behind Satan holding a martini. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, relax Satan. Don't get all worked up. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer again. KENNY Mrph mprph!! SADDAM HUSSEIN What? What do you mean you don't belong here? Relax guy, hell is for children. KENNY Mrph mprhm mm rmph! SADDAM HUSSEIN A deal? You wanna make a deal with the devil. Well sure, deals are mounds o' fun. SATAN (To Saddam) Saddam, would you let me do my job please! SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey relax, guy. Let's see what the kid wants. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm! SADDAM HUSSEIN Oh, you want out of hell, huh? SATAN Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The whole POINT of hell is that you don't WANT to be here! SADDAM HUSSEIN Okay, kid, I have a deal for you! If you want out of hell, all you have to do is collect 10 proofs of purchases from 'Snacky Smores.' They're rich, chocolatey and really hit the spot. Bring me ten proofs of purchases and we'll grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT. KENNY Mrph? SADDAM HUSSEIN I wouldn't bullshit you kid! Snacky Smores are now available in stores everywhere! No biggie! Saddam walks over to Kenny and releases his chains. SADDAM HUSSEIN (To Kenny) Well what are you waiting for pal?! Get to it! Kenny runs out and away. SADDAM HUSSEIN HA HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!! Saddam walks over and joins Satan on the couch. SATAN I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, relax guy. It's just a cruel joke. Rich, chocolatey Snacky Smores are only available up on Earth. He'll never get 'em, see? SATAN Sometimes I just think you don't have any respect for me. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, come here, guy. Saddam pulls Satan around and plants a big wet kiss on him. SADDAM HUSSEIN Who's my cream puff? SATAN I am. INT. PTA MEETING - DAY A large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting. Kenny's mother is at a table selling dead Kenny t-shirts. She has a shitload of money all around her. Another MOTHER walks up, hands Kenny's mom money, and gets a shirt. MOTHER Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs. McKormick? KENNY'S MOTHER Why yes. Yes it is. Meanwhile, Kyle's mother is on the stand. KYLE'S MOTHER As our next official order of business here at M.A.C., we will test the new V- chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was created to lock children out of watching certain shows on television. And now the N.I.H. has created a new, exciting product that they can tell us all about. Here is the Surgeon General, Dr. Pangloss. DOCTOR PANGLOSS, a lab technician in white takes the podium. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Thank you, parents. One person claps. Pangloss hits a button and a slide projector starts showing pictures of the device. DOCTOR PANGLOSS The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very simple, and similar to that of the V- chip. The chip is placed just under the subject's skin, where it emits a small but painful shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered. The parents are fascinated. STAN'S FATHER Now wait a minute, are you telling us that this chip somehow KNOWS if the kid is swearing? DOCTOR PANGLOSS It's just like a lie detector. Certain things happen in you when you swear just like when you lie, the chip picks up on this and gives the subject a shock. The parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhhs' DOCTOR PANGLOSS We are very excited to see the results of this test. (Calling) Patient 453, would you step out here, please? Cartman steps out wearing a hospital gown. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Patient 453 here has been fitted with the new v-chip... CARTMAN My head hurts. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say 'Doggy.' CARTMAN Doggy. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Notice that nothing happens. (To Cartman) Now say 'Montana.' CARTMAN Montana. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Good. Now 'Pillow'. CARTMAN Pillow. DOCTOR PANGLOSS Alright, now I want you to say 'horsefucker.' Cartman looks offstage to his mother. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Go ahead, it's alright, Eric. Cartman smiles. CARTMAN Horsefuck- BZZZZZAAAAT!!!! CARTMAN AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!! Cartman falls to the floor in pain. All the parents ooh and ahh and applaud. CARTMAN OW!! That HURT GOD DAMMI- BAZAAATTT!! CARTMAN OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! YOU SONS A BITCHE-- BAZAAATTT!! DOCTOR PANGLOSS Success!! Our device works perfectly! We will begin mass production immediately! KYLE'S MOTHER And so we have succesfully removed the Canadian smut from all of our children's brains. We have made changes at school to ensure that our kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to smut!!!!!!! It's OVER! The crowd goes wild. EXT. SCHOOL - DAY School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the distance. INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks, waiting for school to begin. Wendy walks by on her way to her desk. STAN Hi Wendy. WENDY (Not even looking) Hi Stan. Wendy walks on by. KYLE Wow, dude. Wendy could really give a rats ass about you. STAN (Eyes still on Wendy) I bet she would if my name was GREGORY!! KYLE Good thing she was never your girlfriend... Dude, here comes Cartman. Cartman walks in and gingerly sits down. KYLE Hey, Cartman, did they put that V-chip in your head or your ass? STAN What's the difference? Stan and Kyle laugh. CARTMAN Very funny dickhead- BZZAAT! The v-chip shocks Cartman. CARTMAN OW! FUCK- BZZZAAAT!! CARTMAN AY! Cartman is thrown to the floor in a shivering heap. KYLE Whoa! What the hell was that?! STAN Dude! It's the V-chip! It shocks him ever time he cusses! Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kyle smiles. KYLE Hey Cartman. CARTMAN What? KYLE You know, me and Stan were just talking about what a fat fucking hunk o' fat fuck you are. CARTMAN Oh yeah?! Well you're a monkey-shit- BZAAAT! CARTMAN SHIT- BZZZAAAT!! CARTMAN FUCK- BZZAAAT!! The cycle continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily watching Cartman flopping around on the floor. KYLE This is sweet!! STAN Totally! Garrison stands before his class. MR. GARRISON Okay, children, let's try a few new math problems. What is five times two? The kids all just sit there. MR. GARRISON Come on, children, do be shy, just give it your best shot. Clyde raises his hand. MR. GARRISON Yes, Clyde? CLYDE Twelve? MR. GARRISON Okay, now let's try to get an answer from somebody who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on don't be shy... Just then, the door bursts open and in walks a couple of Nazi looking American soldiers. They walk over to the children and start pulling off their 'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins. STAN Hey, what are you doing? SOLDIER You can't wear these in school. It's against school policy, thank you. Another solider rips off Kyle's pin and replaces it with a yellow star. KYLE What's that for? SOLDIER 2 You get a star for doing well in school. Just as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door. WENDY NAZIS!! STAN What's the matter, Wendy? WENDY Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand. STAN (To Kyle) God damn it, why does she keep saying that? INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through. STAN I'm so sick of these soldiers. KYLE Yeah, they suck. CARTMAN I know. Always saying, do this, do that. They think they're so cooool. (To the soldier) Acht lieben kraft auct shpiler! (BZZZT) OW!!! The soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen, where they are greeted by their big, happy, black school CHEF! CHEF Hello there, children!! STAN Hey, Chef. CHEF How would like some Salisbury Steak with buttered noodles? KYLE We can't, we're on a hunger strike. CHEF A hunger strike? For what? STAN To free Terrance and Phillip. CARTMAN But you guys... It's Salisbury steak. STAN Chef, do you know anything about women? CHEF Ha! Is the Pope Catholic? KYLE I don't know. CHEF Children, I know ALL there is to know about women. STAN What's the secret to making a woman happy? CHEF (Dishing out food) Oh that's easy, you just gotta find the clitoris. STAN Huh? Suddenly, Chef realizes who he's talking to. CHEF Oops, I guess you haven't got that far in your anatomy class, huh? STAN No, what does that mean, find the clitoris? CARTMAN Is that like finding Jesus or something? Now Chef starts to panic. CHEF Uh... Nothing. Forget I said anything. Now move along, children! You're holding up the line! Just then, the P.A. blares out an announcement. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (O.S.) ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! STAN Woa, I wonder what's going on, dude. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY All the elementary students are gathered in front of a large television monitor. Mr. Garrison and his class walk in and look confused. The boys walk up to Chef. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Please take your seats, everyone!!!! They all go to their seats. KYLE What's going on, Chef? CHEF Something big, children. The television goes from that Emergency broadcast signal to a scene of a news anchor sitting at his desk. NEWS ANCHOR (Very serious) This is a State of Emergency. We go now to the White House for a VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT from the President of the United States. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY The President is sitting in a chair by the fireplace. PRESIDENT CLINTON Ladies and gentlemen... At five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy... sort of... the U.S. has declared war on Canada. ANGLE - KIDS They all stare in silence. Mr. Garrison takes a deep breath. CHEF Oh, no... MR. MACKEY I don't believe it. CARTMAN Holy crap- (BZZZT!) OW!! Hey crap isn't a swear word, what the fuck?! (ZZZZZZTTT) AGAGAGH!!! PRESIDENT CLINTON All Canadians are to leave the country immediately, or be subject to military camps. All Canadian products are to be thrown out. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA How can they do this? MR. GARRISON I never thought there would be war again in my lifetime... INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY PRESIDENT CLINTON Do not be afraid of this war. Instead embrace it. We have God on our side. And besides, they're just Canadians, what the hell are they gonna do? INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Everyone watches the television in stunned silence. STAN Chef, what does it mean that we're at war? CHEF It's... It's not good children. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA What do we do? Do we go on as normal or...? MR. GARRISON I don't know Principal Victoria... I don't know... PRESIDENT And now, I would like to bring up the woman who led, and is still leading the way in this glorious stand- KYLE (Pointing to TV) HOLY SHIT DUDE!! Kyle's mom appears on the TV dressed in military garb. PRESIDENT Mrs. Sheila Brovlofski. CHEF Isn't that your mother, Kyle? Kyle can't believe it. On the television, Kyle's mother walks up to the podium. She is dressed to the hilt. She hugs the President and the first lady and then takes a deep breath. KYLE'S MOTHER My fellow Americans. I have led this fight in the War against profanity. I have founded Mothers Against Canada. Our neighbor to the north has abused us for the last time. PRESIDENT As Commander in chief, I have ordered our Army to set up defensive positions along the US-Canada border in anticipation of an attack. KYLE'S MOTHER What about air strikes? PRESIDENT Huh? KYLE'S MOTHER We have to have air strikes on their military and entertainment centers. It's the only way to ensure that their smut can't reach American soil! PRESIDENT Oh, uh... I don't know if air strikes are necessary. KYLE'S MOTHER Not necessary?! Mr. President, may I remind you that our country's heart and soul are at stake, and our children's minds are the battlefield! The bastard Canadians want to fight us because we won't tolerate their potty mouths. Well, if it is war they want... THEN WAR THEY SHALL HAVE!!! A huge eruption of cheers from the crowd in front of Kyle's mother. She is obviously floored by it. She can't help but smile. She actually holds her head up higher, and then raises her arms up in two peace signs, as the cheers get louder. The president forces a smile and actually applauds with the rest of the crowd. Back in the gymnasium, Kyle looks thoroughly embarrassed. CHEF Damn, your mom's a bitch, Kyle. CARTMAN Amen to that. INT. HELL - DAY Kenny is sadly walking around hell. He walks up to another one of hell's prisoners. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm? GEORGE BURNS Snacky Smores? Why the hell would I have proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores? Beat it, kid. Kenny moves along. He hears some voices coming from a door. Kenny opens the door and peeps inside- INT. SATAN'S BEDROOM - KENNY'S POV Saddam and Satan are lying in bed. SADDAM HUSSEIN You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all. I told you that you shouldn't have tried to carry that futon all by yourself. SATAN I'm not cranky. And that futon was not too big to carry myself- Just then, Satan hears a reporter on CNN. TV In war news, countries from Europe and Asia are joining sides in the Canadian- American War- SADDAM HUSSEIN -Listen butterbuns, let's make love and forget about the whole thing- SATAN SHHH!!!! TV ...The death count is already on its way to 10 million with no signs of slowing down. What started as a spat between the United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III- Kenny's eyes bulge, he wants to see more, but Satan clicks off the television and sits up in bed. SATAN It has come to be... The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of the prophecy is upon us! SADDAM HUSSEIN Oh I love when you get all biblical Satan. You know exactly how to turn my crank! SATAN No I'm being serious! Those Canadian entertainers are to be killed. It is the seventh sign. Satan walks over to large pedestal which holds an ancient tome. Satan turns the pages as he talks. SATAN Behold, the signs of my reign on earth are all falling into place! The fall of an empire- He points to an ancient-looking picture of the death of Ceasar. SATAN -The coming of a comet- He points to a picture of a comet passing by Earth. SATAN Jerry Springer's movie doing more than ten million box office- A picture of Jerry Springer holding a bunch of money. SATAN ....And now.... Satan points to an ancient drawing on the wall. It looks like Terrance and Phillip being stabbed in the head. SATAN The seventh sign! When the blood of these Canadians touches American soil... It will be my time to rise!!!!! DRAMATIC music. SADDAM HUSSEIN Yeah! YEAH!!! Man I'm getting so HOT!!! SATAN Do you always think about sex? I'm talking about some very important stuff here! SADDAM HUSSEIN Listen buttercup, let's make love and forget about the whole thing. SATAN Is sex the only thing that matters to you? Saddam thinks for a second. SADDAM HUSSEIN I love you. Satan sits with his arms crossed and a frown. SADDAM HUSSEIN You know I do. SATAN I know. SADDAM HUSSEIN So what do you say we shut off that light and get close, huh? Satan reaches over and turns off the light. Everything goes pitch black. The light goes off of Kenny's face as well. A beat. Then, a small moan from Satan. SADDAM HUSSEIN Yeah, you like that, don't you bitch? EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Stan and Kyle are walking down South Park Avenue. Stan is reading out of a huge book. KYLE Does it say what the clitoris is? STAN All it says is that it's above the vulva... But where the hell is the vulva? KYLE Isn't that in Arizona or something? Stan and Kyle walk into the middle of town, where a HUGE bonfire of Terrance and Phillip videos, posters, and Canadian items like syrup and hockey sticks are burning away. The soldiers throw Stan's book on top of the pile, and it starts to burn. Stan and Kyle walk up to where Cartman is standing. STAN What is this? CARTMAN They're burning all the Canadian stuff cause of the war. STAN That book wasn't Canadian! Clyde, one of the kids from school, throws his Terrance and Phillip dolls into the burning mass. Kyle stops him on his way back. KYLE Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore? CLYDE Of course not! We're at war! My daddy says I HATE Canadians now! More kids line up to burn their Terrance and Phillip stuff. Several random mothers from M.A.C. are standing in front of the bonfire with anti-Canadian signs and T-shirts. The boys' parents aren't around, but another MAC mother is leading the charge. MAC MOTHER THAT'S IT! BURN EVERYTHING CANADIAN!!! MAKE OUR COUNTRY DECENT AGAIN FOR OUR CHILDREN!!! A townsperson throws Alanis Morisette albums into the fire. Another townsperson runs up and throws in a bag of Cheesy Poofs. CARTMAN NNOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH, WHY GOD, WHY?! Cartman falls to his knees and cries as the Cheesy Poofs burn away. CARTMAN This is all cause of your mom, Kyle. She's such a bitch- (BBBZAATT!!) AGH!! I mean - she's such a... meanie. KYLE And she's getting worse... STAN Dude... Isn't that your brother? Kyle looks to where a group of big, mean FIFTH GRADERS have encircled Ike. FIFTH GRADER Why don't you go back to your own country, CANADIAN! FIFTH GRADER 2 Yeah, go eat some potatoes and ride donkeys! IKE Eee todo ba! Kyle's eyes grow wide. He dashes over. KYLE Hey! Leave him alone! FIFTH GRADER It's just a smelly Canadian. They're like rats. KYLE He's my brother! FIFTH GRADER You don't look Canadian. KYLE He's adopted! Kyle picks his brother up and tries to protect him. FIFTH GRADER Well you better get his beady eyed Canadian ass out of America before my daddy finds him!! The boys watch in horror as the fifth graders run over and throw more Canadian items into the fire. KYLE It's only a matter of time before my mom has HIM burned too! STAN What has the world come to? This is horrible. We're locked up, burning books, hating other people- CARTMAN -no Cheesy Poofs. STAN -No Cheesy Poofs... What the hell is happening? DRAMATIC MUSIC begins. KYLE I don't know. But it has gone far enough! I'm sick of it! (Singing) Something must be done! Change has got to come around! They're taking all our laughter and burning it to the ground! Can't you see what this is leading to? A world of chains and ties and glue! We have to fight before they've taken every one! Something must be done! STAN I agree! The only way to save our future is to unite and fight! (Singing) Something must be done! We must take action fast! My parents have gotten so strict they forgot they were children in the past! CARTMAN And my mom has become so bu-sy that she's raising heck and ignoring me I agree that there is now a battle to be won! Something must be done! STAN But what are we going to do against this entire army? KYLE We've gotta get the word out. We'll get on my dad's computer and use the internet! Come on you guys! The boys proudly head down the street. BOYS Something must be done! Something's gotta give! This world has become a bitch in which we have no desire to live! (*note- cartman gets shocked again on 'bitch') BOYS We've pushed it to the edge And now the time has come! Something's gotta change! Something must be done! Something must be done!!! INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - KYLE'S DAD'S OFFICE Kyle is at the keyboard of his dad's computer. Stan and Cartman are waiting in the background. KYLE Okay... I just need to find a few private message boards... STAN Wait! Before we put a message out, do a search on the word 'clitoris'. KYLE Okay... Kyle types in the word and hits return. KYLE (Reading the screen) "Found Eight Million Pages With the Word Clitoris"! STAN Wow! KYLE I'll just try the first one. Kyle clicks the mouse. They wait for the screen to load. Finally, it does. KYLE Dude! It's a lady giving a blow job to a horse! Stan and Cartman rush over. STAN Is it Cartman's mom? CARTMAN Very funny! KYLE Hey... It IS Cartman's mom!! Cartman looks at the screen. CARTMAN Oh, son of a bitch! (ZZAP!!) AAGHGH!! I mean, son of a biscuit! STAN Maybe THAT'S who your father is, Cartman! Ike bounces in, happily. IKE Ber dada! KYLE Get out of here Ike, you're too young for this stuff! IKE Papa mama simi. Ike bounces out. CARTMAN Come on, just get to the message board! KYLE I'm trying, I can't find a Canadian server... I've got to break into the main frame... Kyle furiously hits a bunch of keys. KYLE Damn it! They've got an access code! I'll try to reroute the encryptions... Kyle furiously hits a bunch more keys. STAN Dude, do you know what you're doing? KYLE No, dude, all you have to do is hit the keys really fast and say a bunch of stupid shit and it works. Just then the screen pops up. Access Granted. KYLE Bingo. Okay, here we go... (Typing) Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Meet us for a meeting at Gladdy's barn tomorrow night... CARTMAN Tell 'em we'll have pie and punch. KYLE We're not gonna have pie and punch! CARTMAN More people will come if they think there'll be pie and punch! KYLE (Typing) pie and punch... This is Top Secret. The password is... The boys all think... STAN (Dramatically) La Resistance. Triumphant MUSIC cue. INT. KYLE'S ATTIC The door to the attic pops open. Kyle shoves Ike up into the attic. KYLE You stay up here in the attic, Ike. Don't make any noises or nothing, okay? IKE Uhh... KYLE Goodnight, Ike, we're all going to bed. The door closes and it is dark. Ike blinks. He looks out a small window, onto the street below. A few armed soldiers walk by. Ike pulls out a little plastic harmonica and sadly starts to play. INT. PENTAGON - NIGHT Tons of MILITARY PERSONNEL are running to and fro. Giant computer screens show Canada's latest attacks. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE Sir! The Canadians have destroyed Des Moines!! PRESIDENT How can you tell? Everyone laughs merrily. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE Good one, sir! Suddenly, a PENTAGON GUY runs up to the President, holding some papers. PENTAGON GUY Sir, we're tracking a signal crossing into Canadian computers! It looks like we may have a resistance movement starting... The President grabs the papers and dashes over to Kyle's mother, who is standing there looking smug, with her arms behind her back and her chest out. She has a few military badges on her. PRESIDENT (Showing her the papers) Ma'am, we're tracking a resistance... It's probably Canadian spies!! KYLE'S MOTHER Well find out where that signal is coming from! Then hunt them down like dogs! Any and all Canadian influence must be stopped at all cost! PRESIDENT Yes ma'am! The President starts to run off. KYLE'S MOTHER And Bill? PRESIDENT Yes? KYLE'S MOTHER I'm needing lunch. PRESIDENT Right away, ma'am! The president runs off. EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And so the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to fight the Canadian forces... INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Cartman's mother is tucking him into bed. RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) What is quickly being referred to as 'The Great Canadian-American War' has already reached a death toll of two million. Cartman's mother reaches over and switches off the radio. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Goodnight, honey. CARTMAN Mom... When is the war gonna be over? CARTMAN'S MOTHER I don't know honey. Soon we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? CARTMAN Oh, I don't care, I was just asking cuz all my favorite TV shows have been replaced by news and it's pissing me off. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Oh. With that, Cartman's mother gets up- CARTMAN Mom... CARTMAN'S MOTHER Yes, hon? CARTMAN If you went down on a horse... You'd tell me, right? CARTMAN'S MOTHER Sure, hon. Goodnight. She switches off the light, and leaves. Cartman lies there, lit only by soft, blue moonlight and thinks. He hears a SCRAPING noise, and looks a little scared, but then tries to close his eyes to sleep. CARTMAN Go away, scary noise. Again the SCRAPING. Cartman pops open hs eyes to see - KENNY! He is transparent and floating above Cartman's bed. Cartman is horrified. Too much so to even scream. Kenny puts his hands to his mouth to try and speak, but he makes no sound. Finally, Cartman lets out a piercing cry. Cartman's mother comes running in, just as the image of Kenny disappears. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Eric?! Eric, what is it?! CARTMAN I saw him!! I saw Kenny!! Cartman's mother looks around and sees nothing. Finally, she just cradles Cartman's fat head in her arms. CARTMAN'S MOTHER Oh you poor dear. You've been through so much... CARTMAN I bet him he couldn't set himself on fire and now he's all pissed off!! (BZZTZT!) AGH! I can't say pissed off?! (BAZZTZT!!) AGH!! INT. HELL - DAY (MOVED) Kenny is again snooping around. He quietly creaks Satan's door open and walks in. Satan is in his room, looking at a map of Earth. SATAN The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent, soon all hell shall rise!! Kenny looks scared. SATAN (Evil and scary) Are you afraid, little one? Afraid for the souls of your pitiful friends that- Suddenly, Saddam walks in carrying some bags. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey Satan! I got some great new home furnishings today! Satan rolls his eyes and sighs. His attempt to be evil to Kenny is squashed again. SADDAM HUSSEIN Boy buddy Rich, it was a bitch to get something to match with that bathroom tile! Saddam looks at Kenny. SADDAM HUSSEIN Oh, hey kid. Find those proofs of purchases yet? No?! Gee, whatta surprise! Well, keep lookin! A beat. Satan folds his arms and looks at the floor, pissed. SATAN Do you wanna know what I did today? Saddam lets out a sigh. SADDAM HUSSEIN What did you do today Satan? SATAN You don't care. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey fella! Relax! This whole armageddon thing has got you all stressed out. Let's make love. SATAN Do you remember when you first got here? We used to talk all night long. Until the sun came up... We would just lie in bed and TALK. SADDAM HUSSEIN That's because I wanted to fuck you, dumbass! Now hows aboot you get those pants down! SATAN Don't call me dumb! SADDAM HUSSEIN I mean cute dumb. Now bend over! As this conversation happens, Kenny's eyes dart back and forth as if watching a tennis match. SATAN How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else? Saddam sighs. SADDAM HUSSEIN Satan, your ass is gigantic and red, who am I gonna pretend you are? Helen Reddy? A beat. SADDAM HUSSEIN Come on, kid. Help me with these shower curtains. Saddam and Kenny walk out. Leaving Satan all alone with sad music playing. SATAN (Gently) Sometimes I think When I look up real high That there's a whole world up there And just maybe it could be mine But then, I sink because it's here I'm supposed to stay but I don't even know how or why its supposed to be that way- Satan walks to his veranda. SATAN Up there, there is so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom Everyone dreams I can dream too Up there, Up where The skies are ocean blue I could be safe and live without a care... Up there Satan walks over to a bright blue globe and spins it slowly. SATAN They say I don't belong That my place is down below Because of my beliefs I'm supposed to stay where evil is sewn But what is evil anyway? Is there reason to the rhyme? Without evil there could be no good So it must be good to be evil sometimes Up there, there is so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom. Everyone dreams I can dream too Up there, Up where The skies are ocean blue I could be safe and life without a care... Up there PULL BACK, big crane shot rising above Satan. EXT. SMALL ABANDONED BUILDING - NIGHT A dim light is all that is visible from inside the small building. INT. LA RESISTANCE - NIGHT Stan and Kyle are painting a sign on the wall 'La Resistance'. Cartman comes running in, he looks scared. KYLE You're late, Cartman! CARTMAN I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me. KYLE Your behind? CARTMAN I have to say 'behind'! I get shocked if I say 'ass- (BBZZAATT) OW!!! KYLE Did you bring the pie and punch? CARTMAN No you guys... Something happened... You guys wanna hear something creepy? (Looking over each shoulder) I don't think Kenny is dead. STAN What? CARTMAN I saw him last night! KYLE I know Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day. CARTMAN YOU DO?! KYLE Sure, dude. On the face of every child, on the smile of every baby... Kyle and Stan laugh again. CARTMAN Hey! I'm telling you this WAS Kenny! I think he's haunting me. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! The boys all look scared. KYLE Somebody's here... The boys walk over to the door, and open the sliding panel in front of their eyes. KYLE Who is it? VOICE Uhh... I'm here for La Resistance. KYLE What's the password? VOICE Uhh... I don't know. KYLE Guess. VOICE Uhh... Bacon. KYLE Okay. Kyle opens the door. The golden haired young boy from rehab stands there looking handsome and angelic. GREGORY Viva la Resistance. STAN Oh no, it's that kid. GREGORY This is the place-- Another kid walks up next to Gregory, it's Wendy. Stan's eyes grow wide. STAN Wendy? WENDY Stan?! YOU started La Resistance? GREGORY Well, apparently you have a bigger heart than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway, there are others coming. Gregory takes Wendy's hand and pushes his way in. Stan fumes. INT. LA RESISTANCE - LATER Now the room is filled with a bunch of scared looking RESISTANCE FOLLOWERS. All of whom are under the age of twelve. The room is lit only by candlelight. And the large 'VIVA LA RESISTANCE' banner hands on the wall. Stan and Kyle look nervous. STAN Everyone be seated, please. The kids all sit down. KYLE Wow, a lot of people showed up. STAN Yeah, so what do we say? KYLE I thought you had something planned. STAN Me?! Stan looks out over the faces. Gregory checks his watch. STAN (Nervous) Kay. Uh... Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, and we think that sucks ass!! The kids don't respond. Stan shoots a nervous look at Wendy, who is sitting next to Gregory. STAN Uhh... So we think we should prank call a bunch of policemen! We can have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!! Again no response. Gregory rolls his eyes. STAN Uhh... Gregory stands up. GREGORY May I? STAN What? Gregory takes Stan's place at the front of the group. GREGORY Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at a Canadian Internment camp two kilometers outside of town. They are to be executed tomorrow during a star-studded USO show for the troops. Gregory pulls a big map out of nowhere and rolls it out. Stan and Kyle can't believe it. GREGORY We must sneak into the camp through this duct, freeing Terrance and Phillip inside... The war is escalating, and the American forces are preparing for a large scale attack on Canada. That means the time is now... KYLE Wow, dude, Wendy's new guy is smart. Stan shoots Kyle a dirty look. GREGORY This is a dangerous mission, so I'll go myself. Wendy smiles at Gregory. STAN No! Everyone looks at Stan. STAN WE'RE going! WE started La Resistance to save Terrance and Phillip! We're going! GREGORY This will be very dangerous... Are you quite sure? CARTMAN Fuck that! (BZZT) AGAGH!! STAN We're going... Let's run through the plan!! INT. SOUTH PARK - AMERICAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS A huge hall is filled with hundreds of soldiers in different battalions. We see our regulars: Mr. Garrison with a uniformed Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Jimbo and Ned, Bo, Pip, Stan's Grandfather, Jesus, Officer Barbrady.... JIMBO Oh, I'm so glad there's a war again. I was gettin' worried I'd never see another one! NED I know what you mean. JIMBO And they're giving all us troops a big USO tomorrow with celebrities and executions! PAN OVER to Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON You look great in your new uniform Mr. Hat. MR. HAT You do too, Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Boy, I can't wait for our first shore- leave so I can go get me some poontang. Chef sits down in a seat behind Garrison near the back. GENERAL PLYMKIN, a gruff old army type with bug eyes, steps up to a podium and addresses the troops. GENERAL PLYMKIN PAY ATTENTION! The crowd settles down. GENERAL PLYMKIN It's no secret that the Evil Canadian Federation has scored major victories all over the United State. We have brought you here because you ar America's best, and last hope. Another general leans over to Plymkin and whispers in his ear. GENERAL PLYMKIN Oh... Apparently you're not the best, you're simply the last. Anyway, let's strategize... Map! A large, holographic 3-D map of South Park springs up in front of him. He walks around it pointing out things with a laser-pointer. GENERAL PLYMKIN Our sources have told us that the Canadians might try to attach tomorrow's USO show and stop us from executing Terrance and Phillip. He points to a spot on the 3-D map. GENERAL PLYMKIN Now each battalion has a specific code- name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands- Chef is in Battalion 5 and dutifully raises his hand. Then he looks around and notices to his surprise that everybody else in his section is also African American. GENERAL PLYMKIN You will be the all-important first defense wave, which we will call 'Operation Human Shield'. CHEF Hey, wait a minute... GENERAL PLYMKIN Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14? A bunch of white guys raise their hands. GENERAL PLYMKIN Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here- He points to a spot on the 3-D map. GENERAL PLYMKIN -and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men? Chef raises his hand. GENERAL PLYMKIN Yes soldier? CHEF Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? GENERAL PLYMKIN I don't listen to hip-hop. Chef scowls. GENERAL PLYMKIN If you somehow live, we will regroup on this hill outside-- Suddenly, the 3-D hologram starts to flicker and fizzle. GENERAL PLYMKIN Now what's wrong with this thing? General Plymkin messes with the controls. GENERAL PLYMKIN Fucking windows 98! General Plymkin has pulled the plug. He stands there with the cord in his hands. GENERAL PLYMKIN GET GATES IN HERE!!! BILL GATES walks in, escorted by two MILITARY GUARDS. GENERAL PLYMKIN YOU TOLD US WINDOWS 98 WOULD BE FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT WITH BETTER ACCESS TO THE INTERNET!!! BILL GATES It is faster, over five million-- Plymkin pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head. Gates falls to the floor, dead. GENERAL PLYMKIN Alright men, get lots of rest, and prepare thyselves for battle! INT. LA RESISTANCE - NIGHT In the dead of night, the kids are all in a circle discussing the plan. GREGORY ...after you clear this zone here, rendezvous behind this ridge where Terrance and Phillip should be held. KYLE Gotcha. GREGORY You are indeed brave, but you will need someone who's done this sort of thing before. MOLE! Suddenly, a bump in the ground starts to move forward, leaving a trail behind it. (like bugs bunny before he pops out) The bump comes to a stop at the children's feet and out pops THE MOLE. He is a very bitter little nine year old French kid with a THICK French accent. VOICE Oui? GREGORY Thank you for coming, Mole. THE MOLE So... We must free more Canadian prizoners? KYLE Yeah, I guess. THE MOLE America... She iz a beetch that sheets on her own children. Stan and Kyle look at each other confused. GREGORY This is the Mole. He will accompany you to the prison where Terrance and Phillip are. He is an expert in covert operations and a lifelong fighter for freedom. THE MOLE Freedom... It's like cow's urine poured down your troat. You wonder 'Do I want this?' I'm thersty... But it's urine. Everyone stares at The Mole. GREGORY Good luck Stan, I'll make sure Wendy is... kept safe? Stan gets pissed. KYLE Give me Terrance and Phillip or give me death!!! OTHERS YEA!!! Now, Gregory breaks into song. His voice is absolutely gorgeous and deep. He puts his hand on Stan's shoulder. GREGORY God has smiled upon you this day The fate of a nation in your hands... Stan and Kyle look at each other. They can't believe how good this guy's voice is. Wendy appears enthralled. GREGORY As brothers and sisters we unite And behind you we shall fight! Until only the most righteous belief stands! The music builds. Gregory gets up on a soapbox. GREGORY Do you see the distant flames? they bellow in the night Fight in all our names For what we know is right And if you all get shot and cannot carry on Though you die, La Resistance lives on! KYLE What? Shot? Kyle and the boys look a little worried, as other kids join in the song. KIDS You might get stabbed in the head by a dagger or a sword You might be burned to death or skinned alive or worse! GREGORY But when they torture you You will not feel a need to run For though you die, La Resistance Lives on! KIDS Do you hear the beating drum? It is our hearts all joined to one It is the music of our souls knowing we have much to overcome! As THE SONG CONTINUES we- CUT TO: EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT The MAC Mothers are on a stage, preparing two electric chairs. KYLE'S MOTHER Something must be done! Tomorrow it will be! We're going to execute this threat to our democracy! All the mothers join in as they decorate the chairs with American flags. Kenny's mother is counting money she has made from selling t-shirts. M.A.C. MOTHERS And after that our kids will be safe from all the Canadian scum! The time is now the time is here Tomorrow something will be done! The song still CONTINUES as we CUT TO: EXT. HELL - CONTINUOUS Satan stands on his veranda. SATAN I want to be part of that world! But if only I had the strength to go without HIM... If only I had the strength to leave him behind... Get on with my life in that world... Start over as part of that world... CUT TO: INT. MILITARY BARRACKS - CONTINUOUS The soldiers, including Garrison, Mackey, Ned and Jimbo are in their bunks. SOLDIERS Tomorrow we face our destiny! Tomorrow we fight to keep our country free! Death to Canada! Death to them all! Like our forefathers we shall answer the call! PAN DOWN to Chef's bunk where he is lying naked with a hot chick. As usual, Chef sings a song that has absolutely no relevance to what's going on. CHEF (Stroking woman's arm) Baby your thighs sparkle like diamonds Baby your butt is tender like the night I can see by the look in your pants that you want to treat me right. I'll whisper sweet nothings in your cleavage And you can kiss me gently with your tongue And I'll make love to you so deeply That you'll feel pressure clear up to your lungs. Meanwhile, the soldiers continue their song. SOLDIERS Something must be done! Something's gotta give! Tomorrow we will be free or we will no longer live! CUT TO: INT. MILITARY PRISON - CONTINUOUS Terrance and Phillip are chained to the wall in a dark, dirty prison cell. Two armed American soldiers are torturing Terrance and Phillip with hot irons, as Terrance and Phillip sing- TERRANCE & PHILLIP Shut your fucking face Unclefucka! You're an ass raping cock sucking Unclefucka!!! CUT TO: EXT. LA RESISTANCE - CONTINUOUS The kids are all gathered together, finishing their song. One kid grabs a large flag and starts swirling it around. KIDS Let it echo through the night! Let it reach the ears of everyone! Though we die La Resistance lives on! Though we die La Resistance lives onnnn!!!!! Ah- AHHHH!!! FADE OUT. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE All the South Park men are in the rank and file marching down the street. OFFICER (Singing) I don't know but I've been told- SOLDIERS I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD! They pass Kyle's house. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - ATTIC Ike watches the soldiers march from his little attic window. OFFICER (O.S.) Canadian pussy is mighty cold! SOLDIERS (O.S.) CANADIAN PUSSY IS MIGHTY COLD! Ike blinks. Does he understand them? he picks up a small book and starts to write in it. INT. HELL - DAY Satan paces back and forth in hell. SATAN This is it! World War Three is at hand! The millennium nears! Satan crosses to one of his small demons. SATAN Prepare the minions for the rising of Gothos! The demon dashes off. SADDAM HUSSEIN This is so exciting! Let's fuck! Satan sighs and bows his head. SATAN This is the millennium, Saddam! This is Armageddon! There's more to life than sex! SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, relax guy! SATAN Well I just want you to be impressed with what I do. I want you to respect my MIND. SADDAM HUSSEIN I DO respect your mind! It turns me on! It makes me wanna fuck the shit out of you! Don't you see? MUSIC BEGINS. SADDAM HUSSEIN (Singing) Hey guy, relax, put out You gotta put out for me! I'm just a man with needs And right now I need your generosity! I love your eyes, your nose and lips So drop those pants and do some dips Come on guy, you gotta relax relax, put out for me! Kenny looks confused. SATAN What if I, don't wanna put out? That's all you ever say Relax put out I'm a living creature, I have feelings too, I don't need this abuse from you- SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, guy, relax, put out! You gotta relax, shut your mouth- Baby I'd do anything for ya! Now don't make me smack you in the eye like last time- Kenny keeps watching as Saddam throws on a Shakey's hat and does a quick softshoe. Satan rolls his eyes. SADDAM HUSSEIN I get what I want, and what I want is for youuuuu toooo put ooooout!!! Saddam finishes the song and Satanhangs his head. SATAN What if I just left? SADDAM HUSSEIN Where're you gonna go, bitch? Besides, you know that if you left me, I'd hunt you down and kill you, right? I'm gonna go grab a drink. Saddam leaves. Satan looks about to cry, but then notices Kenny still standing there. SATAN What are you doing?! Get on with your misery! KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm? SATAN Him? I don't know... He can be nice... sometimes. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm. SATAN What do you mean?! I could leave him if I wanted to! KENNY Mph rm. Rmph rm rmph rm. Satan lowers his head. Slowly he starts to cry. Kenny walks over and pats him on the back. EXT. MILITARY COMPOUND Tents and makeshift buildings are lined up against the mountains. Jeeps and Tanks buzz to and fro. There's a huge stage which is set up with thousands of seats. There's a giant banner reading "USO SHOW TONIGHT!!!!!" Loads of soldiers file into their seats. ANNOUNCER Alright you men! The USO show is about to start!! The military men go wild. ANNOUNCER Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities! To be followed immediately by the swift and nasty execution of Terrance and Elroy! The crowd goes crazy again. EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - BEHIND THE USO SHOW - DUSK Right out of Nazi Germany. Barbed wire, guards, the whole bit. ANGLE ON BOYS They are on their backs, shimmying along the ground underneath the blanket of razor-wire that is set up around the camp. The Mole uses the bolt-cutters to cut the wire as he goes, clearing a path for Stan, Kyle and Cartman. THE MOLE Be careful not to touch this wire- A wire catches on Cartman's arm and SNAPS against his face. CARTMAN OW! MOTHERFUCKER! BZZAAAAT!!! CARTMAN FUC- Stan shoves his hand over Cartman's mouth, leaving Cartman to cuss bloody murder into Stan's glove. CARTMAN MPHMPH MPHMPHMPH!!! BZAAT! CARTMAN MMMPPPHHH!!! Finally they clear the fence and lie down in view of the camp. THE MOLE It sounds like the USO show has started. We have precious little time... Kyle looks at the horrible concentration camp. KYLE Oh my God... THE MOLE God? ...Let me tell you something about God... He is ze biggest bitch of zem all. Kyle looks at The Mole, oddly. STAN How are we ever gonna find them? The Mole whips out some night vision goggles. ANGLE ON INTERMENT CAMP THROUGH NIGHT VISION GOGGLES The Mole inspects the camp. He sees a guard on a guard tower. Then he pans over to a bunch of Canadians standing in a line in rags. The Mole quickly clicks the magnification to high so we see the saddened faces of the Canadians. KYLE Do you see them? Do you see Terrance and Phillip? THE MOLE No. Zey must have zem inside. We will have to dig. KYLE That's gonna take a long time! THE MOLE Time? Did time matter to the Revolutionists who were forced to eat their own shit while dying in the dungeons of ze King? The boys think. EXT. USO SHOW - DAY Helicopters zoom over the makeshift stage like the USO show in Apocalypse Now. Groups of soldiers cheer as a helicopter approaches the landing platform and touches down. The US army men cheer. The mothers take the stage, and Kyle's mother speaks into the microphone. Behind her is a huge American flag. She is wearing an army helmet. This is right out of 'Patton'. KYLE'S MOTHER Ladies and gentlemen of the American war effort, we salute you! A big cheer goes through the crowd. Kyle's mother feels the power, and lifts her head high. She starts to pace back and forth on the stage as she speaks, becoming more and more Pattonlike. KYLE'S MOTHER Tomorrow you will be risking your lives so that our children will have a better future... God bless you men. And God bless this filth free nation. Many of you will die. Die like blood bathed pigs. So tonight, we at MAC present a NIGHT OF A HUNDRED STARS! Now without further ado, I give you... Out of the helicopter emerge a battalion of the best and brightest stars that the American show biz industry has to offer. KYLE'S MOTHER Pint size pixie and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder! She gestures grandly to the helicopter where Winona Ryder emerges and runs to center stage and waves to the audience. She looks like a strung out coke addict; because she is. WINONA RYDER Hi guys! I'm T.V.'s Winona Ryder! One guy claps. WINONA RYDER I want you all to know I'm super psyched to be here today. You guys rock. What you're doing for our country so sooo cool. It's so real. I've been acting since I was twelve and I can't distinguish between make believe and real life. Winona falls down. But gets back up immediately. WINONA RYDER And then I confuse me real life with my big-screen one. And sure, people get hurt, and I'm sorry about that but Christ, look at me. It's not my fault that I can get any guy I want. And that's reality to me. But you guys... wow. I mean, war, man. Fucking war. It doesn't get any more real-- Now, this one goes out to you. She cues the band which has been assembled from the same helicopter. Jazz music starts up. It's 'New York, New York'. The troops look confused. WINONA RYDER You know what I'm gonna do for you now, don't you? 'New York, New York' continues to play. WINONA RYDER WRONG! (Singing) The bells are ringin' For me and my gal! The birds are singin' For me and my gal!- INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - BELOW THE USO SHOW The mole is digging frantically while the boys follow on all fours. Cartman holds a flashlight. CARTMAN Dude, this is seriously lame. I didn't know we were gonna get all dirty and stuff. THE MOLE Sheet! STAN What is it? THE MOLE Bedrock! I cannot dig any further in zis direction! STAN We're going to die here like baby mice who have had no milk in days. Dry up into crunchy little pinkies. The boys stare. A beat. THE MOLE Or, we can dig UP. The mole starts digging up towards the ground. EXT. INSIDE THE PRISON CAMP Mole pops his head out of the ground. Immediately, a search light passes over the hole. THE MOLE Sheet! Mole ducks, just avoiding the light. Slowly, the boys' heads appear from the hole. The whole camp is in front of them. There is a HUGE barbedwire fence on one side (the side they just dug from) A dozen armed guards with huge Dobermans patrol the grounds with Howitzers. It doesn't look good. THE MOLE Move! Move! One by one, The Mole, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman pop out of the ground, and run for a nearby building. Once at the building, they all duck to avoid the search lights. THE MOLE Okay.... The Americans must be holding Terrance and Phillip in one of those bunkers. We will split up here. Let's synchronize watches! The others look at each other. KYLE We don't have watches. A beat. THE MOLE You don't have watches? STAN Dude, you didn't say anything about watches. THE MOLE What do you think this is kid? Lick Barney the Dinosaur's pussy fucking kiddie hour? Huh? This is real life with consequences you take to the grave! KYLE Dude, we don't have watches. THE MOLE Sheet. Did you bring ze mirror? STAN Got it. THE MOLE And ze rope? STAN Check. THE MOLE And the butfor? KYLE What's a butfor? THE MOLE For pooping, silly. A beat... Then mole takes a long drag off his cigarette and slowly blows the smoke. THE MOLE Now listen carefully. Stan and Kyle, you stand watch here and await my return. If any guards come by, make a sound like a dying giraffe. KYLE What's a dying giraffe sound like? THE MOLE (Putting his hands to his mouth) Gwpaapa. Gwpaapa. KYLE Kay. The Mole turns to Cartman. THE MOLE Cartman, over zere, is the electrical box. You must sneak over zere and shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillip or the alarms will sound and I will be shot full of holes. Got it? CARTMAN Okay. THE MOLE You MUST shut off the power, this is VERY IMPORTANT do you understa- CARTMAN I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I'M NOT LOU FERIGNO FOR PETE'S SAKE! Cartman storms off. THE MOLE I will tunnel my way into ze buildings, and find ze prisoners. The Mole starts to dig. KYLE Be careful, dude. THE MOLE Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in ze womb? And with that, The Mole quickly starts to tunnel his way underground. STAN Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up. EXT. STAGE - NIGHT Back on stage at the USO show. Winona Ryder is just finishing up her song. WINONA RYDER (Singing) ....It's a hell of a TOWN! And that's my New York Melodyyyyyy!!!! The band finishes with a flourish. Winona takes a bow. One person in the entire audience claps. KYLE'S MOTHER Let's hear it again for the one and only Winona Ryder!!! The same guy claps again. ONE CLAPPING GUY We love you, Winona! Everybody else in the audience just stares at him. KYLE'S MOTHER Next up we have a special treat... Please welcome, direct from Vegas- BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY EXPERIENCE!!! The place goes wild as Big Gay Al walks out on stage. Winona fumes in the wings. RANDOM SOLDIER This guy is the coolest! RANDOM SOLDIER 2 Totally man! The back curtain goes up to reveal a tropical jungle set complete with a waterfall, hippos, monkeys and hundreds of colorfully dressed dancers. BIG GAY AL How we all feeling tonight?! Between the cheering, we hear a throng of "Happy!". Now the place is rocking!! Everybody loves Big Gay Al! Winona can't believe it. BIG GAY AL I can't hear you... CROWD Happy!!! BIG GAY AL Friends, you know why I'm here... I'm here to teach TOLERANCE!! The crowd cheers. BIG GAY AL I'm here to say that we're all PEOPLE under God, and we should embrace, and accept our differences!! The crowd cheers louder. BIG GAY AL And that means we should LOVE CANADIANS TOO!! The entire place goes incredibly quiet. You can hear a pin drop. Silence... Deafening silence... BIG GAY AL JUST KIDDING!! FUCK 'EM!!! Slow music swells in. Big Gay Al saunters around the stage and starts to sing. BIG GAY AL (Singing) Bombs are flying People are dying Children are crying Politicians are lying too Cancer is killing Texaco is spilling The whole world's gone to hell But how are you? Suddenly, Big Gay Al is wearing a big feathery outfit and all his dancers dash to his side. BIG GAY AL I'm super! Thanks for asking! All things considered I'm doing super I must say! Very peachee Nothing bugs me 'Cause everything is super when you're -don't you think I look cute in this hat? The crowd is absolutely confused. BIG GAY AL I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple But I just can't feel bad for you right now Because I'm feeling so insanely super That even seeing you in that chair can't bring me down! EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - ANOTHER AREA Cartman is by himself, slowly moving from building to building. He is scared out of his mind. CARTMAN (Imitating the Mole) Shut of ze Power, Cartman. Zis is very important, Cartman... Stupid British piece of shi- (BAZZT!) OW! He approaches the electrical box. Just as he's about to open it, two armed AMERICAN SOLDIERS round the corner. Cartman gets scared and hides in the shadows. The soldiers continue walking... AMERICAN SOLDIER Dude, if I was gay, I'd be just like Big Gay AL! AMERICAN SOLDIER 2 Me too!! ...And pass a terrified Cartman. EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - STAN AND KYLE'S AREA The boys are waiting, bored, for The Mole to return. KYLE I don't think he's coming back, dude. Just then, we hear The Mole return from his hole. He is carrying the ticket guy from the movie theater. TICKET GUY Oh thank you! Thank you for getting me out of there!! They locked me up for selling movie tickets to minors! THE MOLE Is this one of zem? KYLE No! That's not Terrance or Phillip! THE MOLE Oh... Alright, back you go. The Mole takes the Ticket Guy back through the hole. TICKET GUY No! Please! I don't want to go back!! The boys sit back down and wait again. EXT. USO SHOW/STAGE - CONTINUOUS Meanwhile, Big Gay Al's song continues- BIG GAY AL I'm super! Thanks for asking! All things considered I'm doing better than okay! Feeling peaches nothing bugs me Everything is super when you're -don't you think I look cute in this hat and my little shoes and this matching tie that I got at Merv's? The chorus guys all pick Big Gay Al up and dance around with him on stage. CHORUS He's super! Thanks for asking! All things considered he is better than okay! And it's peachee, nothing bugs him Everything is super when you're- Let's fight fight fight against Canada today!!!!!! The song ends and everyone erupts into applause. INT. HELL - DAY Satan is looking into a large, oracle-like ball. Saddam isn't around, but a few demons and Kenny are hanging out. SATAN The execution is going to happen any moment... We must prepare. The demons make excited noises. KENNY Mph rmph rm! SATAN Get everyone in hell ready. When the blood of Terrance and Phillip spills, the day is ours! Two of the demons head for Satan's room. SATAN No! Not Saddam. Don't wake him... Uh... I'll tell him... Satan walks to the bedroom. EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - ELECTRICAL BOX AREA Cartman approaches the electrical box nervously -- looking all around for soldiers. He opens the door to the electrical box and sees a large switch labeled ON and OFF. He reaches to turn off the switch when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Cartman jumps. CARTMAN Agh!!! Then turns and karate-chops in one spastic flurry to see - KENNY!! CARTMAN Son of a gun! HECK! Kenny's ghost is again floating in front of Cartman. Kenny again struggles to speak. CARTMAN GO AWAY, KENNY! IT'S NOT MY GOSH DARN FAULT! KENNY Mph rmprmmh rm!! CARTMAN I don't have proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores, Kenny! KENNY MPH RMPH RMPH RMPH RM!!! CARTMAN AGAGAH!! Cartman runs off, leaving the power completely on. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - ATTIC - NIGHT Ike is still just sitting quietly in the dark attic. Suddenly, the attic door bursts open! AMERICAN SOLDIER Found one! Other soldiers file into the attic and grab Ike by the arms. AMERICAN SOLDIER Yep, that's a Canadian alright. IKE Sibi mammama. The American Soldier picks up Ike. AMERICAN SOLDIER So, thought you could hide from us, did you?! Take him away! The soldiers drag Ike down the stairs. AMERICAN SOLDIER 2 Sir, look at this! (Holding up a book) He was writing some kind of diary... AMERICAN SOLDIER Diary? What does it say? AMERICAN SOLDIER 2 (Reading) Cookie monster. Banana. Sweeping, moving MUSIC STING. EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - STAN AND KYLE'S AREA Kyle is patiently awaiting Mole's return. KYLE Damn it! Come on, Mole we're running out of time! Kyle spins around when he hears someone coming. But it's only Cartman. He's panting heavily. CARTMAN You guys! Seriously! You guys! KYLE What Cartman?! CARTMAN Kenny! I saw Kenny again! STAN Oh, brother. KYLE Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman? Cartman stops breathing heavily and thinks. KYLE Cartman?! CARTMAN Whoops. Just then, all the alarms in the place go off. KYLE Oh shit! From the distance, the boys hear gunshots. Suddenly, the Mole pops out of the hole. The boys see that The Mole has been shot up badly. THE MOLE Ze alarms! Zey went off! CARTMAN Yeah... That was my bad, sorry. As SHOUTS and RUNNING FOOTSTEPS draw closer, The Mole lays down and begins to die in Kyle's arms. THE MOLE Please... Do not let ze resistance die... Gentle MUSIC begins. THE MOLE Now the light, she fades And darkness closes in But I will find strength I will find pride within Because although I die Our freedom will be won Though I die Ze Resistance Lives on... The Music fades away, as the Mole coughs up some blood. THE MOLE It's so very cold... KYLE We can't leave without you! THE MOLE It's okay, I am done for. KYLE No, I mean WE CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT YOU - we don't know where the hell we are!! The Mole coughs up more blood. THE MOLE Where is your God when you need him? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? The Mole dies. KYLE SHIT! VOICE FREEZE!! The boys look up to see three large MARINES pointing guns at them. Stan makes a run for it. He dashes off at full speed. KYLE Run, Stan!! One of the soldiers fires at him. PWANG! PWANG! But Stan disappears into the night. PENTAGON GUY Forget him! The night will swallow him up. MARINE You are under arrest! Cuff 'em! KYLE What? PENTAGON So THIS must be the resistance the pentagon has been tracking! CARTMAN Oh, son of a bitch... EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT Kyle's mother, and the other mothers of MAC, take the stage again. KYLE'S MOTHER And now, for our big finale, the MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! Terrance and Phillip are wheeled out onto the stage. TERRANCE Oh, Phillip. This cannot be good. PHILLIP I know, Terrance. This is quite the shitstorm we've found ourselves in this time. From the other side, Kyle's mom appears with a couple of official looking military people. The crowd cheers. KYLE'S MOM It is my pleasure to present to you, THE EXECUTION OF TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!! The crowd cheers. KYLE'S MOM Strap them in! Terrance and Phillip are then greeted by the EXECUTIONER, donned in a black hood. The scary giant Executioner grabs Terrance and Phillip and puts them into electric chairs. KYLE'S MOM Today is a great day for democracy! The crowd cheers. The Executioner steps up to the throw switch. TERRANCE Phillip, this is worse than that trip to Quebec City when I fell asleep in that disco. PHILLIP I know, Terrance. I know. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK - NIGHT LONG SHOT of a desolate, dark area. It has started to rain. Stan trudges through the wilderness looking tired and scared. STAN Hello? Where the hell am I? Is anybody here? A few wolf HOWLS sound in the distance. Stan walks on. STAN MARCO!!! No answer. STAN MARCO!!! No answer. Stan stumbles a bit. STAN Dude, weak... Can't go on... Dizzy... Stan falls to the ground. His face plops in the rainy mud and his head smacks against a rock. Stan is out cold. Just then, a strange sound emerges. It is like a pulsating WOBBLE. Stan slowly awakes, picks up his head and shines his flashlight around. STAN What is that? The sound gets louder. Stan shines his flashlight on something that is huge and throbbing. STAN OH MY GOD!!! EXT. STAGE - NIGHT Kyle's mother approaches Terrance and Phillip. KYLE'S MOM Gentlemen, do you have any last words? PHILLIP Last words? Let's see... How aboot "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CHAIR". How's that for last words? Kyle's mom nods to the Executioner. GENERAL PLYMKIN WAIT!! General Plymkin walks out next to Kyle's mother. GENERAL PLYMKIN We have just captured some Canadian Sympathizers! The crowd cheers. Kyle's mother smiles. KYLE'S MOTHER We will execute them along with Terrance and Phillip for your viewing pleasure! Another cheer. The mothers are all very pleased. That is, until they see Kyle and Cartman brought out to the stage at gunpoint. KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle?! CARTMAN'S MOTHER Eric? KYLE Hi, ma. GENERAL PLYMKIN We also have a Canadian SPY who was hiding out in South Park!! Now Ike is brought out at gunpoint. KYLE'S MOTHER Ike?! Kyle's mother rushes over to General Plymkin. KYLE'S MOTHER General... These are OUR CHILDREN! GENERAL PLYMKIN They are Canadian sympathizers and they must be dealt with accordingly! STAN'S MOTHER But they're CHILDREN! Cartman walks over to where Terrance and Phillip are strapped into their chairs. CARTMAN Dude! Terrance and Phillip! Wow! Can I get your autographs?! TERRANCE Sure, tubby, just as soon as we're killed. KENNY'S MOTHER We can't kill these kids! GENERAL PLYMKIN Listen mothers, YOU'RE the ones that started all this. Don't get all emotional NOW! STAN'S MOTHER But we're doing all this to help our children's futures! CARTMAN'S MOTHER Yes, I think shooting our children would adversely affect their futures. KYLE'S MOTHER No... The General is right. KYLE MOM!!! KYLE'S MOTHER Boobie... This is the only way you're ever going to learn. I have an opportunity here to teach you about consequences. STAN'S MOTHER Sheila, you're going to far! Those are YOUR children! KYLE'S MOTHER YES! AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE RUINED BY SMUT!! (To Kyle) I am sorry young man, but I have had it up to here! STRAP THEM IN! She walks away. KYLE YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!! KYLE'S MOTHER KYLE BROVLOFSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!! EXT. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - NIGHT Stan is still lying in mud, but now he lies before a HUGE, pulsating, organic looking thing that belongs in the X-Files. It's the size of a small building. The massive thing starts to glow. Stan looks weak and afraid. BIG THING Be not afraid... Stan trembles. STAN (Weakly) What... BIG THING Behold my glory. STAN What... are you? BIG THING I am the clitoris. Stan's eyes grow wide. MUSIC starts to swell up. STAN The clitoris?! I DID IT!! I FOUND THE CLITORIS!! BIG THING Stan, your friends need you. They are in trouble and you must help them. STAN Wait, you're supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me. BIG THING There are more important matters right now... STAN NO WAY, DUDE! I'VE LOOKED ALL OVER FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME HOW TO GET WENDY TO LIKE ME!! BIG THING Dude, she's eight years old, just get her some ice cream or something. STAN Of COURSE!! Ice cream!! BIG THING Now go, your friends are in danger... The USO show is a mile east of here, just over that ridge. The clitoris has spoken. The clitoris fades, and just as it does, all the kids of La Resistance come running into frame. Wendy and Gregory are with them as well. WENDY Stan! Stan are you okay?! STAN Wendy? GREGORY I see you failed in your mission. Terrance and Phillip must be dead by now. Wendy bends down to pick up Stan. WENDY Come on Stan, we have to hurry. The Canadian forces are about to attack!! Wendy pulls Stan up off the ground and slings his arm around her. EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT A drummer plays as the execution begins. GENERAL PLYMKIN We begin with Terrance and Phillip!!! Throw the switch!!! The executioner throws the switch and Terrance and Phillip start to fry. Kyle, Cartman and Ike, in their chairs, look horrified. KYLE'S MOTHER Goodbye, bastards! Near death, Terrance cranks out a weak fart. Terrance and Phillip both laugh weakly but merrily. TERRANCE Take that, bitch. As Terrance and Phillip fry, they scream out: PHILLIP/TERRANCE FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!!! Suddenly, FWWOOOMMM!!! A Bomb lands in the middle of the army. BLAM!! It explodes with incredible force, sending dead bodies in all directions. Canadian military planes zoom overhead! It's a full scale attack!! From a HIGH ANGLE we see the soldiers all scatter like bugs in every direction. MR. GARRISON THE CANADIANS ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! FWWOOMM!!! BLAMM!! Another explosion! Everybody just starts screaming and shooting in every direction. Total and complete mayhem. One explosion knocks out the electricity, and Terrance and Phillip stop drying. The electricity runs along a wire, across the stage, and right up Cartman's leg. Cartman starts frying horribly. KYLE CARTMAN! CARTMAN (Frying) WAGAGAHGHGH!! YOU GUYS!!! SERIOUSLY!!! PHILLIP What's going on Terrance? TERRANCE Canada is saving us!! Finally, Cartman is blown clear of the electricity. Kyle picks him up and starts to run along with Ike. INT. HELL - SATAN'S BEDROOM Satan opens the door to find Saddam sleeping happily in his cozy bed. He is only wearing little black g-string panties. SATAN (Whispering) Have you finished? Now we see that Kenny is standing at the foot of the bed. He holds a gasoline can, and has just finished pouring the last drops underneath the bed. KENNY Mph mph. SATAN Then move out of the way. Kenny walks over next to Satan. Satan pulls out a book of matches. SATAN I must be strong... I must be strong... Satan tries to light the match. It won't light. SATAN Damn it... Finally, the match lights. Satan holds it up- SATAN Goodbye, Saddam... -and throws it onto the bed. SATAN Come on! Saddam burns to a crisp and Satan and Kenny run out. EXT. USO SHOW - DAY People run screaming in all directions as a full scale attack has broken out. Gunfire, explosions and dead bodies fly all around. JIMBO Ned! Behind you! Ned whips around and mows down a line of Canadians. But one Canadian makes it through, and sticks his bayonet through Ned's neck. Blood gushes from Ned's neck as he collapses. JIMBO NED!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! FWWOOM!! BLAMMM!!! The boys runs as fast as they can amidst the explosions. CARTMAN HOLY SHIT! (Zap) AGHAGHGAH!! Now when the V-chip shocks Cartman, we can actually see the blue current swirl around his body. CARTMAN HEY! THIS V-CHIP IS GETTING ALL SCREWY!! General Plymkin has followed his men into the trench, where explosions and gunfire fly all around. He pulls out a walkie talkie as his men die all around him. GENERAL PLYMKIN ALRIGHT MEN!!! FALL INTO FORMATION! "HUMAN SHIELD" UP FRONT THEN "OPERATION GET BEHIND THE DARKIES"!!! They all fall in. A phalanx of black men, Chef included in them, walk out in front of a bunch of white guys. GENERAL PLYMKIN REMEMBER, HUMAN SHIELD! PROTECT OUR TANKS AND PLANES, TOO! Just then, over a ridge in front of them, a line of Canadian tanks appears. The tanks are lined up 3 deep. Behind them is a line of missile launchers. General Plymkin's jaw drops. GENERAL PLYMKIN Holy Mother of Johosephat... The black guys all look at each other nervously. EXT. BATTLEFIELD The boys run through the chaos. Body parts and scrapnel fly here and there. A bloody soldier suddenly stumbles and falls in front of the boys holding a massive head wound. KYLE Hey! It's Mr. Garrison!! Garrison lies on the ground, coughing up blood. MR. GARRISON Children... Take Mr. Hat... Please... Get him out of here... Garrison takes Mr. Hat off his hand and gives it to Cartman. Just then, Garrison goes limp. Cartman looks at the Mr. Hat in his hand and scowls. The boys run from the battle. They pass the American troops, where all the black guys are standing in a human shield around the white guys. CHEF Alright, squad... JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU... ONE!! The Canadian tanks take aim. CHEF TWO! The Canadian tanks fire. CHEF THREE!! All the black guys suddenly jump out of the way, leaving the whites completely exposed. GENERAL PLYMKIN What the- The tank fire hits the army, blowing all the white soldiers to smithereens, including Ned and Jimbo. BLACK SOLDIER GREAT PLAN, CHEF! CHEF Operation Human Shield my ASS! EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY From an EXTREME WIDE SHOT, we see all the forces on both sides exchange firepower. The Canadian National anthem can be heard in the distance. We see Mr. Mackey looking like a natural born killer. He shoots like a maniac into the Canadians. He wounds one and then marches over to the wriggling body with a knife. MR. MACKEY Die Canadian, mmkay?! And he drives the knife into the Canadian's chest. But then, suddenly, another Canadian Soldier appears out of nowhere, and blows a hole through Mackey's chest. MR. MACKEY Mkay- Mackey falls to the ground, dead. Just then Big Gay Al runs through the frame, we FOLLOW him as he skips his way around gunfire. BIG GAY AL Ooh! Goodness those bullets are going FAST!!! Another bullet zings by his head. BIG GAY AL Jumping Jesus, this is insane!! THUMP! A bullet hits Big Gay Al square in the head. More bullets follow, tearing him to shreds. WIDE ANGLE ON - ENTIRE BATTLE This shot parodies one of the big shots from 'Saving Private Ryan'. Just complete overkill. Explosions, helicopters, gunfire and death. Kyle's mother, and the other mothers as well, stand on a ridge overlooking the horrific massacre. STAN'S MOTHER My God... This is terrible... Kyle's mother holds out her M-16. She is now completely insane. KYLE'S MOTHER This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!!! KENNY'S MOTHER But we didn't want THIS. I just followed you 'cause I made a shitload of money selling Kenny t-shirts! STAN'S MOTHER Oh Lord, what have we done...? KYLE'S MOTHER Wake up, people! We all have to do things that aren't pretty sometimes! It's the not pretty things that make life worth fighting the not pretty things for! Why do you think children have to be born in hospitals? The other mothers look very confused. KYLE'S MOTHER Why does it matter?! My plan is a perfect plan!! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!!!!! The other mothers walk away. KYLE'S MOTHER WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! We need to stop the not pretty things from letting our children be born in hospitals! STAN'S MOTHER We're going to find our boys! For God's sake Sheila, you almost had them killed!! Kyle's mother turns back to the battle. More killing and explosions. KYLE'S MOTHER Killed. They should only be so lucky. Kyle wasn't even BORN in a hospital! She charges the field. EXT. BATTLEFIELD - CONTINUOUS Terrance and Phillip are dodging gunfire and super loud explosions. PHILLIP Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted! TERRANCE You did? Just now? They laugh merrily. PHILLIP Come on, we can take shelter in one of those buildings! But just then, Kyle's mother comes charging in with her gun!! KYLE'S MOTHER AAAGHGAHGHGH!!! YOU DESTROYED MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!! Phillip spins around just in time to see Kyle's mother plunge her bayonet into Terrance's abdomen. TERRANCE AGH! PHILLIP Terrance! NO! KYLE'S MOTHER DIE!!!!!! SLOW MOTION SHOT - Blood from Terrance's abdomen slowly spills from his stomach. Everything gets SILENT as we follow the blood down, down, down... Until it hits the ground with a huge, echoing BWOOOMMMM!!! CLOSE UP on Kyle's mother's eyes. CLOSE UP on the spot of blood on the ground... BACK TO REAL TIME Suddenly, the ground starts to open up! FWOOM!! Great flames and ash take over the sky. Satan and his minions explode from below. Everyone stops fighting for a moment, to watch this amazing spectacle. SATAN RAAGHGH!!!! MY TIME HAS COME!!! Demons and flames emerge from the ground. All the soldiers on both sides can't believe what they're seeing. Now out of the giant abyss comes Kenny. He dusts himself off and looks around. EXT. TRENCH - NIGHT As more bombs and gunshots go off. Kyle, Cartman and Ike huddle close to each other in a trench. CARTMAN Kyle... All those times I said you were a big dumb Jew... I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew. Kyle thinks. KYLE Yes I am! IKE Baba mama! Another explosion rocks the trench. Dirt flies all over the boys' heads. CARTMAN AGH! (Noticing Mr. Hat in his hand) What the hell am I still holding this for?! Cartman tosses Mr. Hat out of the trench. We hear GUNSHOTS and then VERY FAINTLY we hear Garrison's voice. MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat! Noooooo! Suddenly, Stan jumps down into the trench. KYLE Stan! STAN Dude, I found the clitoris! I think I can get Wendy to like me now! KYLE Sweet. CARTMAN (Sarcastic) Oh, that's swell, Stan. I guess all's well that ends well, huh? We can go home now. There's just one little thing left to tie up... WORLD WAR THREE!!! More explosions go off. Dead bodies fly all around the boys. Suddenly, Kenny appears before the boys. CARTMAN/KYLE AGAGAH!!! CARTMAN It's him! I told you!! Kenny's come to take us to the netherworld! KENNY Mph rmph rmph rmph?! KYLE Wait! He's not haunting us, he's trying to tell us something! KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm! CARTMAN Okay! We can get you some proofs of purchases for Snacky Smores Kenny! Just mellow the heck out! EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK - NIGHT More battle. People are dying left and right. The Doctor from the Hospital scene runs in with an M-16. A Canadian steps in front of him, the doctor shoots, and blows the Canadian's head clean off. DOCTOR GAUCHE Hey, pal, don't lose your head. Suddenly, the ticket guy's chest rips open. He falls dead, and standing behind him is a Canadian with a double barreled shotgun. CANADIAN SOLDIER I'm glad you got that off your chest. Tom the Rhinoplasty surgeon leaps in and stabs the Canadian through the head with his bayonet. TOM I guess he got the point. A Canadian rushes in and machine guns Tom full of holes. CANADIAN SOLDIER 2 Plastics are a cheap and efficient insulator for electrical applications. Just as the fighting escalates, Satan and his minions rush in. SATAN Yes! Good! Fight and kill one another! The soldiers all look scared and puzzled. SATAN You're all part of Satan's army now! KYLE'S MOTHER What the hell is going on?! Satan gets in Kyle's mother's face. SATAN I am the dark master! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh no you don't! This is MY fight!! I don't need your help, Alan Dershwitz! SATAN SILENCE! I AM SATAN! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh. SATAN YOU HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS. NOW THE WORLD BELONGS TO ME... NOW BEGINS TWO MILLION YEARS OF DARKNESS!! AND ALL THANKS TO YOU!!! Kyle's mother backs down, ashamed. CHEF Oh, good job, Mrs. Broflofski, thanks a lot. KYLE'S MOTHER I... I was just trying to make the world a better place for children... SATAN Yes... And in doing so, you brought enough anger and intolerance to the world to allow my coming. KYLE'S MOTHER And I thought my mother was the master of guilt. Geez Louise. SATAN SILENCE!!! NOW!!! EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO ME!!! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh God... What have I done... One by one, the soldiers start to kneel. Satan throws his arms up in the air and laughs a horrible, deep laugh that fills the world. But just then, the ground shakes again. Satan looks over to the huge abyss he had crawled out of and notices another figure. He is burnt horribly, but it is Saddam. He holds a martini glass in his hand. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, I'm missing the party! SATAN No! It can't be! Saddam, burnt to a crisp, walks over to Satan and grabs his ass. SADDAM HUSSEIN Did you miss me, buttercup? (Yelling out) All right, gang! I am your new ruler now! Everyone bow down to ME!! Satan puts his head down. KYLE HOLD EVERYTHING!!! Kyle walks up with Cartman, Stan and Kenny. SADDAM HUSSEIN Oh, it's the bratty kid from hell. KYLE You made a deal with Kenny that if he got ten proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores you'd grant him any wish. SADDAM HUSSEIN And? Kenny pulls out the proofs of purchases. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays. SATAN I TOLD you not to make that deal, Saddam! SADDAM HUSSEIN Who gives a fuck?! I was just fucking with him! KYLE What? SADDAM HUSSEIN The deal's off, go away, guy. SATAN No, Saddam. You made a deal. You can't just renege on a deal. That's lying. SADDAM HUSSEIN Relax bitch! You're better seen, not hear okay? Saddam smacks Satan in the face. Now Satan looks mad, but he sits down like a good little bitch. SADDAM HUSSEIN Now, let's start torturing people, shall we? We'll start with... (Looks at Cartman) THIS little fat kid first!! CARTMAN AY! Don't call me fat, buttfucker- ZAP!! A huge CHARGE shoots from Cartman, knocking one of hell's demons on his ass. STAN Holy shit Cartman! What was that?! CARTMAN How the fuck should I know!! ZAP!!! Another huge CHARGE emits from the v-chip inside Cartman and sends the other Swedish Soldier reeling. KYLE Look at that! CHEF It's that v-chip thing that's inside you, Eric! The polarity must have been reversed by the electric chair! TERRANCE Oh boy! A smile comes across Cartman's face. CARTMAN BUTTFUCKING SHIT! BZZZZZZZZT! A huge charge busts the chains that hold Cartman's wrists. He jumps down. CARTMAN Yes! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays as Cartman uses his newly found power. SADDAM HUSSEIN Quick, Satan! Do something! But before Satan can do anything, Cartman holds up his hands and lets loose. CARTMAN FUCK A HUNK A SHIT, YOU RAT FUCK!!! BZZZZZZZZZAAT!!!! A charge hits Satan square between the eyes and knocks him down. He gets to his knees and stands up again. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat! CARTMAN Try this on for size- Cartman holds up his hands. CARTMAN DRIPPING VAGINA EATING SON OF A PIGFUCKING CRACK WHORE!!! HAIRY COCK SLURPING MAGGOT FUUUUUCK!!!! BZZZAAAAT!! The charge hits Saddam in the chest. He drops again. Saddam looks around and is suddenly scared. He appeals to Cartman. SADDAM HUSSEIN Hey buddy! No need to stress! Let me make you a deal! How about a lifetime supply of Snacky Smores and we just forget about this whole thing?! KYLE Don't listen to him, Cartman! KENNY Mrphmmmph!!! CARTMAN (giving in) Okay. (then) Not. Cartman closes his eyes and hums like he's summoning up the worst words in the world. Then, it comes out. Like a volcano. CARTMAN SUCK THE HOT SHIT FROM MY GURGLING ASS YOU BLOOD DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON ON A STIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZATTTTTTTTT!!!!! A huge purple jolt emerges from each of Cartman's hands and joins into one powerful current that hits Saddam. Saddam is thrown back against the wall. SADDAM HUSSEIN (To Satan) What are you waiting for, bitch?! Destroy him!! Satan looks at Cartman, then at Saddam, and thinks... SADDAM HUSSEIN Come on you weak, stupid cum bucket! Save me!! Satan stands there. SATAN Help you? You've destroyed my life and now you want me to help you?! You're always making me feel like a piece of shit. SADDAM HUSSEIN Come on guy, you know I only rib you because I love you so much! SATAN If you love somebody then you treat them with respect! You've never respected me! SADDAM HUSSEIN Can we talk about this later? Everyone is watching! SATAN I don't care! I want to talk about it now! Saddam grabs Satan by the arm. SATAN Ow, you're hurting me! SADDAM HUSSEIN Listen guy, you're embarassing me in front of my friends! You know how I get mad when I get embarassed. Satan starts getting really mad. Steam starts coming from his nostrils. SADDAM HUSSEIN Your little problems can wait til later, see? Steam starts coming out of Satan's nostrils. SADDAM HUSSEIN Now do what I say and keep your fucking mouth shut! SATAN THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!! Satan picks up Saddam, and throws him over a huge, flaming cliff, back into the depths of hell. SADDAM HUSSEIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!! Heeeeyyyy guyyyyy, relaaaaaxx..... CHEF Saddam Hussein is dead! STAN AND KYLE Hooray!!! Everyone cheers. PHILLIP You're quite a purveyor of filth, little boy! TERRANCE Indeedy, that was a delicious choice of words! CARTMAN Well, I learned it all from you guys. PHILLIP Of course you did, cock fuck! They all laugh merrily. Satan stands over the cliff, looking down at where Saddam fell. SATAN He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I believed it myself. The boys look at each other, confused. SATAN Saddam didn't respect me. All he wanted was sex. But it took me so long to figure that out. He starts to cry. Chef hands him a hanky. CHEF Here you go Satan- SATAN Thank you. Give me the proofs of purchases. Kenny hands them to Satan. SATAN Okay Kenny, I will keep the bargain. Any wish you want is yours. TRACK IN slowly on Kenny. MUSIC BUILDS. Finally, Kenny speaks. KENNY Mph rmph rmpg rmph mm. Everyone GASPS!! KYLE WHAT? STAN Are you sure, Kenny? SATAN What did he say? STAN He said that his wish is for everyone who died in the war to come back. CHEF Kenny, you realize this wish is the only chance for YOU not to be dead... KENNY M mprh. Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmphm rmphm. Mm rmphm rmphm rhmphm. Triumphant music plays, as if Kenny is giving a grand, important speech. SATAN Very well, then. I will put an end to the war as your wish and make everything as it was before the war started. But you Kenny, must remain dead. KENNY Mph rm. Satan turns to the open abyss. SATAN I must admit, I'm kind of relieved. It's too fucking cold up here. STAN Aren't there cold parts of hell? SATAN Yeah, but it's a real dry cold. Here it's the humidity that gets me. I guess I'm destined to live in hell... alone... Sadly, Satan walks back down the trench into hell. But something catches his eye. SATAN Hello... What's this? Satan bends down and picks up Mr. Hat. He looks at it, and then places it gently on his hand. SATAN Hi there, little guy... Would you like to go to hell with me? SATAN (AS MR. HAT) Sure. I bet we can be best friends! Satan smiles. And walks down to hell with Mr. Hat. The boys walks over to Kenny. KYLE Thank you, Kenny. STAN Yeah, thanks for going back to hell for us. You're a real pal. A bright red light flashes and Satan and his minions are dragged back down into hell. Kenny is taken along with them. At the same time, Garrison, Jimbo, Mackey and all the others who died, suddenly and magically appear. They look at themselves, wondering what just happened. Everyone just stands around in a daze. Canadians and Americans alike look at each other and wonder what to do. MR. GARRISON I... I'm alive... Where's Mr. Hat? BIG GAY AL Wow... We were all killed and now we're fine. That's super! KYLE Whew, I'm sure glad that's over. STAN Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. I learned that getting all worked up over fuck and shit and cockmaster is just stupid... You all focused so hard on erasing profanity that you forgot the most important thing... To love each other. CARTMAN Yeah! You're all a bunch of stupid sons a bitches! The boys' parents walk up. STAN Mom, I'm a man. Just a man. And I'm going to have fun with profanity just like you and dad did when you were little. KYLE Yeah, so what if you say uncle raper or dicksucker or, or- KYLE'S MOTHER Shiteater- STAN'S MOTHER -Or monkey fucker- They all laugh merrily at their naughtiness. Wendy walks up to Stan. WENDY I'm sorry Stan, I guess you really DO get it after all! Stan smiles. MUSIC swells. STAN Wendy... How would you like to go get some ice cream? WENDY Sure, Stan! How did you know I loved ice cream? STAN My friend the clitoris told me. WENDY Wow, I have a clitoris too. STAN Really? Where the hell do you keep it? It's huge. Wendy grabs Stan and plants a big kiss on him. Stan vomits into Wendy's mouth. STAN But Wendy... What about Gregory? Gregory stands off to one side, scowling. WENDY Stan, I never cared for Gregory. STAN You didn't? WENDY No, dude. Fuck him. Fuck him in the ear. STAN Cool! WENDY (Singing) Thank my lucky stars Here before me now Is everything I'd ever hoped for- STAN Knew it in a word Saw it in a glance The only thing I think I'd die for STAN AND WENDY I can't stop now... My heart's awake! I pray your arms my arms to take! So this is why I'm alive! Now everyone joins hands and starts singing- EVERYONE SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, UNCLEFUCKA! YOU'RE A COCK SUCKING ASS RAPING UNCLEFUCKA! YOU'RE AN UNCLEFUCKA, YES IT'S TRUE! NOBODY FUCKS UNCLES QUITE LIKE YOU! UNCLEFUCKAAA!!! Kenny's mom and dad come up. KENNY'S DAD This is all so wonderful. I just wish our little Kenny could see all of this joy. KYLE Oh he can, dude. Look! Kyle points to the sky. Everyone looks up just in time to see a brilliant shooting star across the daytime sky. We follow the shooting star and then slowly ZOOM in on it. As we get closer, we realize it is actually Kenny, shooting towards the heavens. As TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays, Kenny's little body floats up and up through the clouds. (NOTE: This will also be done in 3-D CGI) Rays of light from above bathe his body and he flies up into the warmth of the baby blueness. Angels encircle him and give him a pair of wings. They smile gently. He feels calm. He feels good. Amidst a group of angels, Kenny flies upwards and finally... into Heaven. END.