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SCENE 1 GEORGE I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. A boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say "I do." I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own. My daughter's. Annie Banks-MacKenzie. That's her married name. MacKenzie. I'll be honest with you. When I bought this house seventeen years ago, it cost me less than this blessed event in which Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie. I'm told that one day I'll look back on all this with great affection and nostalgia. I hope so. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never imagine. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. How she used to sit in my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said that I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and she wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on, you're in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing--and you know exactly what that one thing is because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older and you quite worrying about her meeting the wrong guy and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that's the biggest fear of all because then you lose her. And before you know it, you're sitting all alone in a big, empty house, wearing rice on your tux, wondering what happened to your life. It was just six months ago that it happened here. Just six months ago that the storm broke. SCENE 2 GEORGE (VO) Annie had been studying for her Masters in Architecture for the past semester in Rome. I remember I was work walking through the factory. I own a company called "Sidekicks." We manufacture athletic shoes. Anyway, I remember how preoccupied I was that day. WOMAN Sorry, Mr. Banks. GEORGE My fault, Grace. GEORGE (VO) Annie had never been that far away from home and she was due back any minute. I couldn't wait to see the kid. OLIVIA George, she landed! GEORGE My daughter. Been studying abroad. Been flying for eleven hours. I'm not wild about her being in the air. You got kids, Juan. You understand. It's better when they're on the ground. GEORGE (VO) I've always been a concerned parent. I'm big on car seats, seat belts, bed times, curfews, calling when you get somewhere, never running with a sharp object. What can I say? I'm a father. Worrying comes with the territory. OLIVIA Is Nina picking her up at the airport? GEORGE Yeah. OLIVIA And you're going to meet them? GEORGE Yeah. I'm going home right now. Where are my keys? OLIVIA Here. And sign this. GEORGE Okay. OLIVIA Hat. GEORGE Okay, thanks...Oh, and this. OLIVIA Bring her by. GEORGE Okay. Bye. SCENE 3 GEORGE (VO) I left work early because I had a little something to pick up for Annie's homecoming. We live in a small town in Southern California called San Marino. I love this town, and not just because it's the kind of place where people still smile at each other but because it hasn't changed much in the past twenty-five years. And since I'm not a guy who's big on change, this town fits me like a glove. I got Annie's ten-speed all cleaned up and polished. New seat, new tires...I couldn't wait to show it to her. This is our house. 24 Maple Drive. Annie was just in grammar school when we bought it. A few years later, we got a surprise package. Our son, Matt. I love this house. I love that I taught my kids to ride their bikes in the driveway. I love that I slept with them in tents in the backyard. I love that we carved our initials in the tree out front. This house is warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and looks spectacular with Christmas lights. It's a great house. I never want to move. But the thing I think I like best about this house are the voices I hear when I walk through the door. SCENE 4 NINA Hey! Hi. You got out early. GEORGE Where is she? NINA Oh, uh, she's unpacking. She looks so fabulous. Just fabulous. Different. Anyway, she can't wait to see you. GEORGE Different? MATT Ciao, Papa! GEORGE Hey! MATT Annie brought me this candy bar all the way from Rome. NINA And let's not get it on our American furniture. GEORGE Matty! The hightops! MATT Hey, grazie. GEORGE Hey, you're welcome. (TO NINA): What do you mean, different? NINA Oh.... GEORGE Annie. ANNIE Hi, Dad. GEORGE Hey! ANNIE God, I missed you! GEORGE You look...all lit up inside. ANNIE I feel all lit up inside. NINA Maybe we should go to Rome for a few months, honey. ANNIE Oh, you two would love it. It's the most romantic place on earth. GEORGE You smell pretty good, too. ANNIE Oh, you like it? It was a present. NINA Doesn't she look incredible? I almost didn't recognize her. Come on, dinner's on the stove. (TO GEORGE): Honey, you want to come? GEORGE Oh. SCENE 5 GEORGE All right, now that we're all back under one roof, we have some very important items to discuss. First on list, who wants to go to the Lakers game on Thursday? MATT Me! Definitely, yes! GEORGE Okay, and with your busy schedule, too. NINA Honey, I can't. I have inventory to do that night. GEORGE Oh... ANNIE Uh, Thursday? Sure. Absolutely. GEORGE Okay. NINA Matty, use your other fork. GEORGE Number two. Paul Simon's coming to the Forum and I think I can get us great seats. ANNIE Um...yeah...sure. GEORGE All right, Paul Simon is an "um...yeah...sure," which I believe translates to a "yes." NINA Oh, um, honey? Could you please get that bottle of wine in the fridge for me? GEORGE Sure. ANNIE Dad, wait...um...I don't know. GEORGE You don't want to see Paul Simon? ANNIE No...I do...It's just, um... NINA What is it? ANNIE Well... NINA Is something going on? ANNIE Yes, it is, Mom...uh...God, this is a hard thing to tell parents...especially when you're my parents...Oh, God! GEORGE Honey, just say it. What's the big deal? MATT Yeah. ANNIE Okay! I met somebody in Rome. Um, he's an American. Uh, he's from L.A., actually. And um, his name's Brian MacKenzie. And he's this completely wonderful, wonderful, amazing man, and...well, we starting seeing each other, a lot...and, um...we fell in love. Ha! Ha! It actually happened! And, uh, we've decided to get married...which means that, I'm engaged! Ha! I'm engaged! I'm getting married! HA! MATT Congratulations! ANNIE Thank you. NINA Oh! My! My! Oh, so, oh my...and that's your engagement ring, huh? ANNIE Yes! Yes! We got it at a flea market outside of Rome. The guy we bought it from said that it's at least a hundred years old...So, Dad. Stop it. Say something. GEORGE I'm sorry. What did you say? LITTLE ANNIE Dad, I met a man in Rome. And he's wonderful and brilliant, and we're getting married. ANNIE Mom, what's he doing? NINA George? George? George? What is it? GEORGE Well...this is...this is ridiculous! You're too young to get married! ANNIE Too young? Dad, I'm twenty-two. If I'm not mistaken, that's a year older than Mom was when you guys got married. GEORGE That is absolutely not true! NINA Oh, no...you're absolutely wrong. GEORGE You were this age when I married you? NINA No. I was younger. I was this age when she was born. GEORGE That...that doesn't matter. Times have changed. Your mother was mature...and twenty-two isn't what it used to be...Matt, would you turn on the air conditioner? It's hot in here. I thought...I thought you didn't believe in marriage. I thought it meant a woman lost her identity. I thought you wanted to get a job before you settled down so you could earn money and be your own person. ANNIE All right, hold on. I didn't think I believed in marriage until I met Brian. Brian's not like any other guy I've ever known. I want to be married to him. And I'm not going to lose my identity with him because he's not some overpowering, macho guy. He's like you, Dad! Except he's brilliant. He happens to love that I'm going to be an architect. He wants me to design a house for us to live in. He said he'd move anywhere I got a job. Give me a little credit, George. I'm not going to marry some ape who wants me to wear go-go boots and an apron. I'm telling you, you'll love him. He's a genius. And sweet. And I love him more than anything in the world. NINA What does Brian do? GEORGE Who's Brian? NINA Oh! GEORGE I forgot his name! ANNIE He's an independent communications consultant. GEORGE Independent? ANNIE Yes. GEORGE That's code for unemployed! This is perfect! You meet an unemployed, amazingly brilliant non-ape that I'm going to have to support! I suppose I'm going to have to hire him and fire some hard working guy with three kids because my son-in-law, the "independent communications consultant," can't get a job anywhere else! No wonder he'll move anywhere you get a job! You're not getting married and that's it and that's final! And I don't like you calling me George! I mean, when did this start? ANNIE Daddy, what is wrong with you? GEORGE What? Are you telling me you're happy about this? NINA George, please. Would you stop acting like a lunatic father and go out and talk to her before she runs out that door, marries this kid and we never see her again! GEORGE All right. Kid? How do you know he's a kid? He could be forty-five years old. SCENE 6 ANNIE An independent communications consultant does mean he's an unemployable non-ape. Brian happens to be a computer genius. Companies send him all over the world hooking up these complex systems. Major banks and corporations send him to Tokyo and Brazil and Geneva. He's a genius. GEORGE You mentioned that. How old is this genius? ANNIE Twenty-six, not forty-five. You guys still think I can't hear you when you're one room away. GEORGE If you love him so much, I know I'll love him, too. Brian? ANNIE MacKenzie. GEORGE Brian MacKenzie. ANNIE Yeah. GEORGE Can't wait to meet him. ANNIE Good, 'cause he'll be here in an hour to meet you. GEORGE I suppose you're not in the mood for a little one-on-one? ANNIE Daddy, I'm wearing heals. GEORGE Come to the right place. *Annie and George play basketball. GEORGE You're not really getting married, are you? ANNIE Dad, stop it! SCENE 7 NINA So can you see him? What does he look like? GEORGE He just drove up? NINA And? GEORGE He drove too fast. NINA Oh wait. So George, do you want to meet him? GEORGE Do I want to meet him? SCENE 8 NINA Oh, hello. Hi! BRIAN Hi. I'm Brian MacKenzie. NINA Good. I'm Nina Banks. BRIAN Yes, I recognize you from your picture. NINA Yes, come on in. BRIAN The one Annie had with her in Rome. NINA Yes. Oh, good. Come in. BRIAN Okay. (TO GEORGE): Hello, Mr. Banks. GEORGE (VO) It was the first time I ever hated the sound of my own name. GEORGE Hi. BRIAN I've heard so much about you. It's great to finally meet you, sir! GEORGE (VO) "Sir." Two words now crossed my mind: "brown" and "nose." BRIAN Annie talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you. ANNIE Brian? BRIAN Oh, Annie. ANNIE So, this is him! NINA Oh, he's just, just a... BRIAN A little nervous. This is one of those situations you read about. You know, meeting the in-laws. You two seem great. I'm sure I have nothing to be nervous about. But, uh...still... GEORGE Let's...Let's, uh...go to the uh...uh... BRIAN Great! NINA I think he's adorable. GEORGE I don't like him. NINA Oh, George! GEORGE He's wearing Nikes! ANNIE Mom, where's Matty? NINA Oh, he fell asleep watching TV. ANNIE Oh well, you'll meet him tomorrow. NINA So...uh...How did you two...uh...meet? ANNIE Oh, we were the only two people at this revival house in Rome for a midnight show of "Bringing Up Baby." We kept hearing each other laugh. BRIAN And at all the same places. ANNIE Yeah. And when it was over, I picked him up. BRIAN Oh, no, no, no. I went over to your to ask directions and one thing led to another and... ANNIE And that was it. For the next three months we never left each other's sight. We went to all these museums, all these great concerts, the opera. We traveled to the country. Remember that place we stayed in Tuscany? BRIAN The one with the uh...? Suffice it to stay it wasn't a four star hotel. You have a very brave daughter! GEORGE Uh, Brian...What is it exactly that you do? Annie was saying something about computers? BRIAN Oh yeah, um...I'm an independent communications consultant. GEORGE Yeah, yeah...that part I heard. BRIAN It sounds fake, right? Like I don't have a real job? NINA No...no...We wouldn't say that. BRIAN That's what my Dad said when he first heard what I was doing. But, uh...what it is, in this case, Pacific International Bank sent me to Rome to hook up an X-dot connection to their European subsidiary. Uh, all European computers communicate on the Dot 25 network. And uh, since Pacific International is an L.A.-based firm, they wanted to interface with standard European protocol. So, I set 'em up. NINA Mm! GEORGE And uh, why are you "independent"? What was that? ANNIE Because no one can afford to keep him on staff. BRIAN Well, uh...that's true, basically. You know, driving down here, I tried to put myself in your place. Your daughter comes home after spending four months in Rome, and uh, I'm sure you couldn't wait to see her...and she shocks you with the news that she's getting married. And to somebody you've never met before. I'm sure that was pretty..."heavy"...to use a word from your generation. I just want to say that I'm an upstanding citizen, and I've never been engaged before...I've never really been in love before. And, uh...I think Annie is the greatest person I've ever met. And I can't wait to marry her and one day...have children...and grandchildren. And I'm going to do my best to be supportive of her dreams...and she's a very gifted architect...and um...I'm just thrilled that I met her! I love your daughter. The feelings I have for her are never going to change. And I'm here to stay. NINA Oh, honey! ANNIE Mom! BRIAN That's okay Mr. Banks, we don't have to hug. GEORGE Well...um...maybe later. NINA Well that was just a...that was just about the best thing I ever heard anybody say! BRIAN Well, I meant it. NINA Good. ANNIE Listen, I want to take Brian out for a drive and show him around San Marino. NINA Okay, honey. Good. GEORGE Annie, it's a little nippy out. You might want to put on a sweater. ANNIE Oh, Dad, it's okay. I'm kind of warm. GEORGE Still, there's a chill in the air and you've been on a plane. ANNIE Dad, I'm fine. BRIAN Annie, it is kinda cold out. ANNIE It is? BRIAN Yeah. ANNIE All right. Thanks. I'll get my jacket. GEORGE (VO) Right then I realized, my day had passed. She'll always love me, of course, but not in the same way. I was no longer the man in my little girl's life. I was like an old shoe. The kind we manufacture and get all excited about, then after a few years discontinue. That was me now. Mr. Discontinued. ANNIE Mom? Don't wait up, okay? We might stop for a capuccino. NINA Oh, okay fine. Well, good night, Brian. BRIAN Good night. Good night, Mr. Banks. ANNIE Oh, you can call him George. Or Dad! GEORGE George will be fine. BRIAN Okay. I'll say it next time I see you. GEORGE Drive carefully. And don't forget to fasten your condom. ANNIE Dad! GEORGE Seat belt! I meant...I meant seat belt. NINA Honey, I'm putting your father to bed. This has been a very big night for him. GEORGE Bye. NINA Good night. Have fun. GEORGE Bye. NINA Bye-bye! Have fun! SCENE 9 NINA This is a great kid. GEORGE It'll never last. NINA Wanna bet? GEORGE Nina. Annie's much too spirited for this kid. He's totally wrong for her. I give it two months, tops. One month. NINA This is the right guy for Annie, George. I'm tellin' you, I feel it in my bones. I mean, we're two lucky parents, George. GEORGE Lucky? Oh! What about his laugh? It was such a give away. It was so phony with his "Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee! Hee!" NINA I thought it was totally sincere. GEORGE Oh, please. What about that little rehearsed speech he gave that was right out of a book. "How to Grease Your Future Mother-In-Law." NINA You're off here, George, really. I thought it was completely from his heart. Why do you think I cried? GEORGE Good question. I don't know why either of you cried. I'm losing my voice. Are my glands swollen? NINA Let me see. No. No, honey. No. GEORGE And what about the way he kept touching her? NINA What do you mean? GEORGE What do you mean, what do I mean? He couldn't keep his hands off of her. NINA Oh, yes...kind of like when we were engaged, except that wasn't all you couldn't keep off me. GEORGE That was different. And we certainly never acted that way in your parent's house. NINA Oh! You want me to name all the rooms we did it in at my parent's house? GEORGE That was different. We were like two imbeciles. This is our child we're talking about. NINA Our child? Oh, George. You know, I still think you see Annie as a seven year-old girl in pigtails! GEORGE Well, you know? That just shows how you much you know about me because that is not at all how I see her. Right...a seven year-old with pigtails. I mean, here's the thing. We have no idea who this Brian really is. NINA Oh? GEORGE And if that's his real name. I mean, who knows? You know, maybe he already has a wife. You read about these cases everyday. Men who have wives and families stashed all across the country. He could be a professional con artist who meets innocents abroad, and gives them this song and dance about being an independent...whatever that was...and then skips out after bilking them for all they're worth. What are you doing? NINA I'm getting ready for bed. GEORGE Then I suppose that you're not interested that I believe I remember seeing someone who looked like Brian's twin on "America's Most Wanted"? NINA You're right. I'm not. George? George, I thought he was great. I liked him a lot. And I'm really happy...George...Would you please stop making that face? And I'm very happy for Annie. And I'm excited for her. This is a big deal and I think that we should at least hug. This is great news. Oh! A wedding! Father of the Bride. Can you believe it? SCENE 10 GEORGE (VO) Forty-eight hours later, the wedding was still on. We were on our way to Bel- Air to meet Brian's folks. GEORGE I don't know why we have to have brunch with total strangers. NINA Because their son is marrying our daughter and it's not an unusual custom meeting the in-laws. GEORGE You know, that's another thing. I hate that expression, "in-laws." What does it mean, anyway? We're legally bound to these people? I don't want to be "in-lawed." Especially to people who live in Bel-Air. I mean, what kind of people have brunch and live in Bel-Air? NINA Rich people. GEORGE They probably live in the one shack in the middle of all these mansions. NINA Nice mood, George. GEORGE What? I'm in a good mood. NINA Okay, I think this is it. Yeah...Nice shack, babe. GEORGE Worse. It's the biggest house on the street. Now we're related to pretentious snobs. Just what we need. NINA You look very handsome, George. Way too young to be "in-lawed." GEORGE Well, it really shouldn't matter how I look. We're not here to win their approval. Just because you changed your outfit five times. NINA Oh, and you didn't try on nine different shirts? GEORGE Two. NINA Two? I see. GEORGE Two long sleeve and two short sleeve. JOHN & JOANNA Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm John...I'm Joanna. Welcome to our house. Come on in, please. SCENE 11 GEORGE (VO) All I could think about was the size of this place. We could have parked our whole house in the foyer. JOHN Oh, what a nerve-wracking thing, meeting your future in-laws. What a relief. You two look perfectly normal. NINA Oh, well, I am. JOANNA I have to tell you, we got so nervous about today, about meeting the two of you, I must have tried on three different outfits. NINA Oh? JOHN I changed my shirt four times. Can you imagine anyone being that jerky? JOANNA So come on in. I thought we could have lunch in here. JOHN Marta, estas son nuestras in-laws. George and Nina Banks. MARTA Mucho gusto. NINA Hello. JOANNA Oh, and here's the rest of our family. JOHN Oh, don't worry. They look like killers but they're actually quite friendly. As long as you're relaxed, why, they're relaxed. GEORGE Hi, puppy, puppy, puppy! JOHN All right, fellas. That's enough. Come on. Release! JOANNA Well, why don't we all sit down? JOHN Please. NINA Oh, thank you. JOHN All right, here we go. George. Honey. JOANNA Sweet heart. (TO GEORGE AND NINA): I don't know if the kids told you, but we were over in Europe on business and we stopped in Rome to see Brian. So we got to spend a few days with Annie. Oh, boy. We just fell in love with her immediately. GEORGE Isn't she great? JOANNA Yes. We just couldn't be happier about this. JOHN How did you...uh...take the news, George? GEORGE Me? Uh, truthfully, I was a little surprised. JOHN I was shocked. GEORGE So was I. JOHN After all, they'd only known each other a few months. GEORGE Exactly. And Annie is just finishing up school. JOHN Absolutely. Oh, believe me, I tossed and turned over this one, but...the bottom line is, they're in love. They over twenty-one, and whether they're rushing into this or not is maybe not for us to say. GEORGE (VO) Right. Not for us to say. We're only their parents. I was just about to say these very words out loud when he hit me with... JOHN Yes, sooner or later you just have to let your kids go and hope you brought 'em up right. George...Nina...Darling. GEORGE (VO) This guy was making a little too much sense for me. Suddenly, my shirt collar felt like it was starting to strangle me. JOHN To George and Nina. And a future of wonderful memories. First, the wedding of our children. And the happiness we'll share watching their lives. Then, sharing the joy of our grandchildren together. Birthday parties...graduation... GEORGE (VO) Now I knew where they got the expression, "Like father, like son." I also knew I needed some air. GEORGE Can you tell me where the restroom is? JOANNA Oh, actually the one down here is a mess. We're remodeling. Why don't you try the one at the top of the stairs. It's the seventh door on the left. GEORGE Second? JOANNA Seventh. JOHN Seventh. GEORGE Seventh. SCENE 12 GEORGE (TO DOG): I'm leaving. I'm relaxed and I'm leaving. (TO DOGS): Relent! Recoil. Reverse! SCENE 13 JOHN Well, I hope George hasn't gotten lost up there. NINA Oh no, he's gonna be fine. JOHN Okay. NINA That's such a lovely sculpture. JOHN Oh. Doesn't it have such a wonderful sense of motion? JOANNA We got it in Denmark. Quite a lot of my family is from Copenhagen. NINA Is that right? JOHN Oh, yeah. Doesn't it have a wonderful sense of balance? NINA Oh, it's amazing. JOHN I was going to put it in the garden...Actually, Brian spent quite a few summers in Denmark. He now speaks better Danish than Joanna. NINA Is that a fact? JOHN And we're planning a trip back this summer. NINA Um...I think this is a very beautiful spread here. JOANNA Oh, thank you. JOHN Well, should we wait for George? ...Maybe I should check on George? NINA No. GEORGE (TO DOGS): Release! NINA Oh, man. SCENE 14 ANNIE Wow! No kidding? Really? It went great? GEORGE Better than great. I mean, it just...just...couldn't have gone better! ANNIE God, I'm so relieved. I mean, who knows what can happen at these things, you know? Now I feel like the wedding's officially on. Dad, that looks so good. This is great. NINA Oh, Brian's mom called with the names of her immediate family. GEORGE Is this is a joke? NINA Not only is this not a joke, but eight of them are from Copenhagen and it's the bride's family's responsibility to... GEORGE Do you have any idea what a round-trip ticket from Denmark costs? MATT Try eight round-trip tickets. NINA Well, actually it's nine. You see, Joanna's cousin Gitte is apparently a rather large woman, so she needs two seats. GEORGE She can lop into the aisle for all I care because there's no way I'm paying for... BRIAN Hello everyone. Sorry I'm late. NINA Hi! ANNIE Hey, Sweetie. GEORGE Hello. MATT Hey, dude. BRIAN Oh, here you are. NINA Oh. Well, thank you! BRIAN Slev tak. That's "You're welcome" in Danish. NINA Oh, thanks. BRIAN This looks great. Hear you're a whiz at the barbecue, Dad. NINA Well. So have you two given any thought to what kind of wedding you want? ANNIE Well, we've talked about it. NINA Yes? And what do you think? Big? Small? ANNIE Well, it can't be too big. We don't have that many friends. GEORGE So we're talking in the small vicinity range? NINA Well, she didn't say small. She said not too big. GEORGE Yeah, but nothing fancy or overblown, right? ANNIE Right. GEORGE Right. So, kind of the less is more theory, huh, Annie? ANNIE Basically. GEORGE Well, the reason I'm asking all these questions is I have a great idea where we can have this lovely, not small, but not too big wedding. NINA You do? Where? GEORGE At our favorite restaurant. The place we've been eating at for fifteen years. The best. The Steak Pit! ANNIE Dad, get serious. MATT I don't think you want the word "Pit" on a wedding invitation, George. ANNIE Really, Dad. A rib joint with sawdust on the floor isn't exactly what I had in mind for my wedding. No offense. GEORGE Well, excuse me. What did you have in mind? The Beverly Hills Hotel? ANNIE No. Actually, what I'd like to have is my wedding in a church and have the reception here. That's what I was hoping for. GEORGE Here? (GEORGE VISUALIZES RECEPTION BARBECUE IN THE BACKYARD--VO: Here's the bride burger and groom burger, and uh, go on over and see the juggler! ANNIE: A dream wedding! A barbecue wedding!) This is a better idea than The Steak Pit! ANNIE Yeah. GEORGE We'll get some picnic tables and crepe paper and balloons...You know, and invite all our best pals...I'll make my famous guacamole...A wedding at home...This is a great idea. SCENE 15 NINA Great idea. Picnic tables, crepe paper, balloons...You at the barbecue...Oh, George... GEORGE What don't you like about that? NINA Why have you been acting so crazy since the moment Annie told you she was getting married? GEORGE I haven't been acting crazy. I've simply been acting like any normal, red-blooded, American dad. NINA Normal? Uh-huh. Okay. Falling into the MacKenzie's pool. Suggesting The Steak Pit as a wedding reception. Oh, watching "America's Most Wanted" every night looking for Brian's face, and now this picnic scenario? George, a wedding is a big deal. Everybody seems to understand this but you. And as a matter of fact, now don't go nuts when I tell you this, but when Brian's Mom called with their list, she suggested that they might just want to pitch in and help with the cost of the wedding. GEORGE No. Hey! We may not have a house the size of Rhode Island but we're not poverty stricken. We can certainly afford to give our daughter a proper wedding. NINA Proper? Not you in a chef's hat, right George? GEORGE Who said anything about a chef's hat? When did this come up? NINA Yeah, but I know you. I'm close. Oh look, I just really saw this whole thing differently. I wanted to call a wedding coordinator to make the whole thing really, really beautiful and you want to call Gabe at The Steak Pit! GEORGE Wait a minute. A wedding coordinator? What's a wedding coordinator? NINA A person who coordinates weddings. GEORGE What's to coordinate? NINA Well, there's the invitations, and the flowers, the food, the band, the photographer, George, why are you giving me that look again? A lot of people hire wedding coordinators. GEORGE Nina, you and I run two successful businesses. We can certainly pull together one smallish wedding. Now we don't need some fancy wedding coordinator. NINA Okay, George. Let's just forget it, okay? Because I just really can't take this. I'm not used to all this arguing. GEORGE I'm not arguing. NINA So just...do me a favor, okay George? Just go on upstairs and I'll finish up down here. GEORGE All right. Fine. Fine. I'll go upstairs. However, I would like to remind you what happened to what's his name down the street. His daughter got married and the thing practically broke him. Remember? NINA I remember. GEORGE You and I could end up shuffling along the sidewalk in our bathrobes...That was a joke. NINA Hilarious! GEORGE Oh, all right. I'll go. I'll meet the wedding coordinator. You know I don't want to, but I'll go. If you still want me to go, all right? NINA Mm hm. GEORGE Okay? NINA Okay. SCENE 16 GEORGE Now let me do the talking, girls, okay? ANNIE Huh? GEORGE Well, I negotiate better than you. Now what's this guy's name? NINA Franck. GEORGE Frank. ANNIE Franck. GEORGE Franck? ANNIE Franck. Oh, this is it. NINA Okay. Here we go. ANNIE Mom! NINA Oh! This is just amazing. Oh my, Annie. Look. Look at this trim. Isn't this beautiful? Pearls. ANNIE Oh, Mom. Look at this one. NINA Annie? ANNIE Yeah? NINA Do you like this plate set? ANNIE Oh, it's beautiful. HOWARD That china also comes in a wonderful Sarah Lee! NINA Hi. You must be Franck? HOWARD I wish. I'm Franck's assistant. Howard Weinstein. NINA Well, I'm Nina Banks and this is Annie. ANNIE Hi. NINA The bride. And George, my husband. GEORGE How do you do? HOWARD May I offer anyone any refreshments? Pelagrino? Expresso? Champagne? NINA Oh, uh.... GEORGE No. NINA No. HOWARD I'll alert the boss that you're here. Look around. Have fun. NINA Oh! Oh, this is so great! Annie? ANNIE Yeah. NINA Wouldn't this be perfect for you? ANNIE Oh, it's gorgeous. Look how it goes with the crystal. FRANCK Mr. and Mrs. Banks and the lovely bride! Hello! Hello! It's a pleasure to meet you. Howard has offered you something to drink, I hope? NINA & ANNIE Oh yeah. FRANCK Oh! The bride! The bride! The bride! GEORGE (VO) Right away I realized this was a mistake of gargantuan proportions. This guy was going to coordinate our wedding? How? With subtitles? FRANCK Oh, please. Come with me and we'll talk about your big day! The big day for the bride! Papa-la, come on! Oh, sit down...on my own design. I designed that, it's very nice, I think. Now, so you have not made up your list yet, but you know that you want the wedding at home on January 6th, right? ANNIE Uh-huh. NINA Yes. GEORGE Excuse me? NINA Yes. We would. We'd like a wedding at home on January the 6th. FRANCK Mm. I love the weddings at the homes. They're very personable. Very warm and very comfortable. So, January 6th, give us seven months. Oh- oh, hello! That's five months! Five months not much, but...that don't bother me so much because it's a little bit tight but we can do it and it will be spectacular! So now, let's see. This is what I suggest. I suggest that we select a cake first. NINA Okay. FRANCK Because the cake more often determines what kind of wedding that you end up having. So let's just choose a cake, okay? NINA Okay. GEORGE Choose...Choose...Choose the what? ANNIE The cake, Dad. FRANCK Thank you dear assistant. This one. So this is a very popular cake with many of the fashionable weddings, you know? And this...I just don't do anymore. And this is fabulous. NINA Oh. Oh, that is incredible! Annie, that's just like the one we saw in the magazine. ANNIE Do you like it Dad? GEORGE Well, what is that? Is that dollars? $1,200? FRANCK Well, Mr. Banks. This is a very reasonable price for a cake of this magnitude. GEORGE A cake, Franck, is made of flour and water. My first car didn't cost $1,200. FRANCK Well, welcome to the nineties, Mr. Banks! GEORGE (VO) Not only did I not understand a syllable this guy was saying, now I had the feeling he was putting me down. NINA Excuse me, but um...Franck, could we please have a second? FRANCK Of course. Take some seconds. Howard, let's return calls. SCENE 17 NINA All right, George. What's the problem? Do you want to leave? GEORGE Do you? NINA No, I like him. I think he's going to make this a beautiful wedding. ANNIE Don't look at me. You guys decide. NINA Give the man a chance, George. Please? Annie, do you like this cake? ANNIE It is incredible, Dad. GEORGE Well, all right. But let's just... NINA We're going to, George. We're going to hold things down. ANNIE We just...We won't go nuts. GEORGE Thank you. Franck? FRANCK Coming! GEORGE We'll take the cake. FRANCK Oh, good. Good. Don't worry, Mr. Banks. I'm going to bring the crew over to the house and give it every thing that we have in the once over department and in the end you'll be very, very happy. Trust me. You just smile away. Now, interesting idea. NINA Yes? FRANCK We've got to determine the theme and color of the wedding. This is how I see it. I think we go very elegant inside the church, you know? GEORGE (VO) With one swift move, I'd been cut out of the deal. Annie, Nina, and Franck were in charge now. FRANCK And beautiful china...Spode! And crystal to drop over dead for! GEORGE (VO) Old Dad was history. SCENE 18 GEORGE (VO) A few days later I was at work, relieved for once not to be talking about the wedding. GEORGE I wore those 750 trainers over the weekend. DAVID Are they still stiff? GEORGE Uh, I think they need a softer midsole. SALESMAN Just back from the Orient, ladies, and I've got a new shipment, beautiful merchandise. Gucci, Cartier, Louis Vuitton. WOMAN I've never heard of Louis Vuitton. SALESMAN He's big, darling, believe me...or they wouldn't be knocking 'em off. Don't worry, Mr. Banks. They're on a break. OLIVIA George? It's Franck's office. Line two. GEORGE Uh, maybe I could see those mock ups by Friday, David? Thanks. GEORGE (VO) This was the call I'd been dreading since I heard the words, "wedding coordinator." GEORGE Hello? HOWARD Mr. Banks, this is Howard Weinstein. Franck's Executive Assistant. I...ave...your estimate for you. GEORGE I can barely hear you. HOWARD I'm in my car...going through...Water...Canyon...Call you back? GEORGE No. No. No. I want the estimate. How much? What's the damage? HOWARD Well, everything from the flowers to the honeymoon limo... GEORGE Okay, everything. How much? HOWARD ...dred and...ifty...a...ead... GEORGE You're breaking up. It sounded like you said a hundred and fifty a head. HOWARD No...no... GEORGE Good. I was about to kill myself. HOWARD It's two hundred and fifty a head. SCENE 19 GEORGE Get me Nina at work. OLIVIA She just called. GEORGE I need the final head count. OLIVIA She just gave it to me. GEORGE What is it? One-fifty? OLIVIA Five hundred and seventy-two. SCENE 20 GEORGE Two hundred and fifty dollars a head means that for the four of us to attend this wedding in our own home will cost one thousand dollars. Therefore, we are not getting up from this table until we cut this list down to the bare minimum. Now, invite as many people as you want to the church. Pack 'em in. Build a grandstand if you want, but we are not having more than one hundred and fifty people in this house on the day of the wedding. All right, let's start eliminating. NINA Okay. Jim Pepper and wife. GEORGE Oh, great. Start with one of my guys. NINA Fine! Will start with one of mine. I'll cut Steve and Stephanie Turell. They're very good clients of mine... GEORGE Say no more, they're history. NINA All right. Jim Pepper and wife. GEORGE I've known the guy for twenty years. NINA You haven't seen him in fifteen, George. GEORGE All right. I'll say I lost his address. Now here's somebody. Your cousin Betsy. The poet/waitress/picture framer. NINA We can't cut family. They know about the wedding. MATT I only invited one person: Cameron. Mom said I could have a friend there. GEORGE For two hundred and fifty bucks you can see Cameron after the wedding. All right, very good. Five down. We're rolling. NINA All right, what about Harry Kirby? We haven't seen him in ages. GEORGE I don't know. ANNIE Didn't Harry Kirby die last year? GEORGE Yes! Good! Oh, well...sorry. MATT Who's Frank Eglehoffer? GEORGE What? NINA He's coordinating the wedding and then we're not going to invite him? GEORGE Exactly! Do you think I'm going to pay a guy fifteen-percent, plus an hourly, plus an additional five hundred dollars to feed him and that assistant of his? Have you lost your mind? MATT Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat? GEORGE You know, that's not a bad idea. Who else can we ask not to eat? My parents...your mother. ANNIE Why don't we just charge people? That way we can make money on the wedding! NINA Annie? Annie... GEORGE I was kidding. SCENE 21 GEORGE "How to Give a Beautiful Wedding on a Small Budget." "Bake your own wedding Cake." "Find a good tailor and copy a designer dress." "Have a friend take the pictures." GEORGE (VO) From that moment on, I decided to shut my mouth and go with the flow. SCENE 22 GEORGE (VO) My first move was to get the old tuxedo out of mothballs. GEORGE Hey, lookin' good, my man! Git down! Hey! What's new pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa...What's new pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa... NINA George? Annie, he's up here! GEORGE Hey...Pussycat, pussycat, I love you...Indeed I do...Yes I do! Hey, what do you think? Bought it in '75 and it still fits. ANNIE Like a glove. NINA Yeah...it's just a...way to go. Maybe...maybe you could get a new tux. We're all wearing new clothes and... GEORGE What? Don't you think I look cute? I mean, there will be a lot of single gals there. ANNIE Oh...I'll get it. NINA Oh...Oh...By the way. Good news. The church is free. GEORGE Oh, finally something is free. NINA I meant available. SCENE 23 FRANCK Oh, it's adorable...Oh, it's very nice...Very romantic. We change it all, though. Let's go. GEORGE (VO) Franck and his crew had arrived to finalize all the details of the wedding. First was an audition for a band singer. Just as I was about to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you," I heard... FRANCK Howard, we'll have to move out all of the furniture if we'll have any sort of room in here...Ooh. This is a nice statement. It's...lots of fun. Mrs. Banks, one question... GEORGE Howard. Franck was saying something about moving out the furniture? HOWARD We have to move it out if we're going to fit more than two hundred bodies in here. GEORGE But what if someone wants to sit down? HOWARD We bring in chairs. GEORGE Well, if you're bringing in chairs, then why are you moving the furniture out? FRANCK Mr. Banks, I do this for a living, you know? Trust me. A moving van must take everything out. Yes, it's another expensive...oh sure, yeah...but it's what we need. Annie? Mrs. Banks? NINA Uh-huh? FRANCK Come this way, please. So, what do you think of tailor? We do have other tuxes. GEORGE Well, I'd like to see him. FRANCK Good. That should be no problem. Gather around, everyone. My best friend in the whole world, Hank Burnewsky. ANTHONY Greetings. ANNIE Hi. NINA & GEORGE Hi. FRANCK I need to take a minute of your time to discuss the menu. GEORGE The man-yu? The man-yu? Remind me. NINA The menu. GEORGE The menu! Yes! FRANCK Unfortunately, Hank doesn't speak English, so I'll translate. GEORGE Franck, that'll be a big help. *Franck and Hank discuss the menu. FRANCK This is what Hank suggests. For the main course he wants to serve veal. ANNIE Oh, really? I have a problem with that. GEORGE With what? ANNIE With veal. I keep reading there's a lot of inhumane treatment in the way they treat the calves. FRANCK I read that, too. Very chic. No problem. *Franck translates to Hank. So then there's seafood which is also chic, or fowl which is not chic but cheap. GEORGE (VO) Cheap. Finally a word I understood. My first and last piece of good news. WOMAN Mrs. Banks? NINA Yes? WOMAN One last thing. GEORGE What is he doing? HOWARD We need more amps to light the house and the tent. It's cheaper than bringing in a new line. WOMAN In terms of the florals out front. We're going to color coordinate with the swans, right? GEORGE Swans? NINA Well, yes. I think it'd be wonderful. WOMAN Perfect. GEORGE We're having swans? ANNIE Franck thought it would be great to have swans waddling around the tulip border, you know, as the guest enter. It would be really romantic... GEORGE Nina, we don't have a tulip border. WOMAN You will. FRANCK Mr. Banks, we have a problem. Hank does not want to do the chicken. GEORGE He doesn't what? MAN Franck, is the tent back through here? GEORGE I've been meaning to fix that. You have to push, then pull. MAN Oh. FRANCK Oh, now let's not panic about anything, let's see. Oh, that's only a scratch, we can fix that. Now, Mr. Banks, please, about the seafood. Hank wants to know if it's okay or not to cook. GEORGE No Franck. Tell Hank it's not okay. If I have to move out all the furniture and add amps and repaint the walls and get a new tux and pay for swans, then I'd like the cheaper chicken. Is that clear? FRANCK I understood the "cheaper" part. (Franck talks to Hank). Well, that's it. Hank says he will think about this. Now, we do not want to lose him. He is a genius and we need his mind, okay? So, I'll see what I can do. Hank? Hank? HOWARD I see you're starting to lose it, but I have one more question, very simple, about the parking attendants. Four is comfortable, three is acceptable, anything less absolutely terrifies me. GEORGE Two. HOWARD Two. NINA George? GEORGE Two. FRANCK Hank says if you want the fowl, he isn't interested. He passes. ANNIE He passes? BRIAN Hey Dad! How's it going? I came to get my sneakers. I left them in Annie's room last night. GEORGE (VO) I was beginning to feel like I was having an out of body experience. I had to get out of the house, and fast. Nina said as long as I was escaping would I mind escaping to the market and picking up something for dinner. Sure. That was all I needed. A busy supermarket. I needed to drive, mellow out, get my mind off the wedding. SCENE 24 GEORGE (VO) But mellowing out was not in the cards. STOCK BOY Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing? GEORGE I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns. STOCK BOY I'm sorry, sir. But you're going to have to pay for all twelve buns. They're not marked individually. GEORGE Yeah. And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don't need rather than make a stink! MANAGER Get me security. GEORGE Well, they're not ripping off this nit-wit anymore because I'm not paying for one more thing I don't need! George Banks is saying no! STOCK BOY Who's George Banks? GEORGE Me! MANAGER Why don't we just calm down now, sir. GEORGE I'll tell you why "we" don't calm down, because you're not excited! It takes two people for a "we" to calm down, doesn't it? MANAGER Uh, that I don't know, sir. I'm just the assistant manager of a supermarket. But I'll tell you this. If you don't pipe down and pay for those buns, I'm going to call the police. GEORGE Oh...right! Yeah! Uh-huh. Yeah. Right! MANAGER That's right. GEORGE Right! MANAGER Hey! GEORGE Right! MANAGER Hey! Come here! Come here! Come here! SCENE 25 GEORGE (VO) That was the low point. Flipping out over four hot dog buns. I couldn't figure out why I'd gotten so nuts. Why the wedding had me so unglued. OFFICER Banks. Your wife is here. GEORGE Aren't you going to let me out? OFFICER She wants to talk to you first. GEORGE She wants to talk to me first? NINA Hello George. GEORGE Why do you look happy to see me in here, Nina? NINA Happy? No. No. No. I'm not happy, George. You think I was happy to tell everyone that I had to come down to the city jail and bail you out for stealing hot dog buns? GEORGE I wasn't stealing them! NINA Ah! GEORGE I was just... NINA Ah! I'm going to have to ask you not to talk or I'll have to call Officer whatshisname over there. You've been more than I can handle, George. Annie's wedding is not a conspiracy against you. It's just a wedding. People have them every day in every country in the world. I know it's going to be expensive. But, we don't go to Europe. We don't own fancy cars. I don't own expensive jewelry, so we can afford to have a big wedding. GEORGE Nina... NINA I'll get you out of here on one condition, Banks. That you'll agree to the following. Now repeat after me. "I, George Stanley Banks..." GEORGE I, George Stanley Banks... NINA "...promise to pull it together and act my age." GEORGE ...promise to pull it together and act my age. NINA "I will stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, unbuttoning my top collar button..." GEORGE I don't unbutton my top collar... NINA Oh, yeah? No...You mean, like this bit? GEORGE ...stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, and unbuttoning my top collar button. NINA "I will stop making faces in general and I will definitely stop telling everybody how much this wedding is costing." GEORGE I don't tell everyone how much it costs! NINA He told you, right? OFFICER Two hundred and fifty a head? GEORGE Oh, well, thanks! NINA "I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness." GEORGE I love you, Nina. NINA Just repeat the last part for me, George. GEORGE I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness. NINA I love you, too. Let's go home. SCENE 26 NINA Annie! Brian! Look! It's a present! It's your first present! ANNIE Our first present. I can't believe it. BRIAN Our second one should be here any minute. ANNIE Wow! How do you know? BRIAN Well, I asked them to bring it over. GEORGE Oh, so this is when we give the presents? Great. Uh, good...I'll be right back. BRIAN Where's he going? NINA Maybe he got a present for you. ANNIE You know about this? NINA I haven't got a clue. SCENE 27 JOHN Look at this! ANNIE This is for us? Thank you so much! GEORGE Yikes. A whole car. ANNIE Dad? Dad, did you see what the MacKenzies got us? GEORGE It's unbelievable. And you thought you'd never have a new car. ANNIE I know! What's that? GEORGE It's...nothing. It's just a gift I was thinking of giving you guys. It's something you said you didn't have but you want. ANNIE Can I see it? GEORGE Yeah. Well...it's not a big, big gift, of course. ANNIE It's a cappuccino maker! GEORGE It's supposed to be a good one. That's what they said at the store. It's...uh...top of the line. It makes great foam. ANNIE I couldn't love anything more. GEORGE (VO) My feelings exactly. SCENE 28 MAN All right, Mr. Banks. Here you go. A forty long. It's gorgeous even on the hanger! Now this is an actual Georgio Armani. The real McCoy. Don't ask how I got it. But here it is. SCENE 29 GEORGE Nina, we have great friends, you know that. I mean, these are not your run of the mill salad bowls, these are primo gifts. (Copying Franck): As a mutter of fact, I am so happy we have decided to surve the very chic but expensive seefoot at our very fushnaboil watting. (To Annie): Ah! De bootiful broide. Good news! You have received another very loovely, too good to be true, silver tea set. What's the matter? ANNIE Send it back. GEORGE Come on. Whad'yoo mean? ANNIE Daddy, I'm not kidding. Send them all back. The wedding's off! SCENE 30 GEORGE Ann? Annie? ANNIE I'm sorry, Dad. But I'm not going to marry Brian. GEORGE Okay. Okay. Whatever you want is okay with us. ANNIE I feel so awful after everything you guys have done. Now I have to undo it all. GEORGE Don't worry about it. These things get canceled all the time. Your mother and I can take care of everything. What happened? Another girl? ANNIE Oh, look at your shirt. GEORGE Don't worry. ANNIE No, it wasn't anything like that. It started out as nothing really. He gave me a present. It's our eight month anniversary today and he gave me...just look! He said it was for me. For our apartment. Just look. GEORGE It's a blender. ANNIE Yeah. Exactly. I mean, I didn't want to act thrown or anything, but inside I was. I mean, I thought something for the apartment...maybe a new clock, or a cool phone, or a great art book, or something...but a blender? I mean, what is this? 1958? Give the little wife a blender? I mean, it scared me, you know? In terms of his expectations. I started to freak out and he asked me what was wrong and I asked him what a gift like this is supposed to be telling me and he said nothing and I didn't believe him and we got into this big fight. And he said I was overreacting. And I said why would I overreact? Nobody in my family overreacts. And then, he came up with this totally absurd story, this completely outrageous lie and I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, this man's a liar! GEORGE What did he lie about? ANNIE Oh, actually it was something about you. GEORGE Me? ANNIE He said the day that you and Mom went to go visit his folks...this is so ridiculous! He said that you were snooping around his dad's desk and you somehow found his dad's bankbook...Oh no! First he said you broke some mirror in their bathroom. And then you found his dad's bankbook and you somehow threw it in their pool. I mean, it's too ridiculous. The man lies! GEORGE Come in. NINA Annie, Brian's downstairs. ANNIE I don't want to see him. NINA He looks awful. ANNIE Good. GEORGE Excuse me. GEORGE (VO) I thought maybe I should help smooth things over. So I took Brian out for a drink. I thought we could have a talk... SCENE 31 GEORGE (VO) ...man to man. But as I sat there and listened to his side of the story, I realized this was a golden opportunity. If I ever wanted to get rid of Brian MacKenzie, this was my chance. BRIAN You know those banana shakes she likes to make, right? Well, that's why I thought she'd like a blender. I guess I can see her point. A blender does suggest a certain 1950's reference to sexual politics. But I swear it never entered my consciousness at the time. GEORGE I believe you. BRIAN You do? Would you tell Annie that for me, Dad? GEORGE (VO) This was where I was going to lower the boom. But instead, I found myself looking into his weepy eyes and found myself saying... GEORGE Sure, I'll tell her. BRIAN Oh good. 'Cause I know that whatever you say, she'll believe. GEORGE (VO) Not only was I not getting rid of the kid, I now found myself talking him into staying. GEORGE You know, Brian...Annie is a very passionate person and passionate people tend to overreact at times. Annie comes from a long line of major overreactors. Me. I can definitely lose it. My mother...a nut. My grandfather...stories about him are legendary. The good news, however, is that this overreacting tends to get proportionately less by generation, so your kids could be normal. GEORGE (VO) As if that wasn't enough, I went on! GEORGE But on the upside, with this passion comes great spirit and individuality which is probably one of the reasons you love Annie. BRIAN That's what I love most about her. GEORGE (VO) That's when it hit me like a Mac truck. Annie was just like me, and Brian was just like Nina. SCENE 32 GEORGE (VO) They were a perfect match. ANNIE Dad, I can't believe you took him out. What did he say? I mean, you don't have to tell me. What? GEORGE Honey, I just spent an hour with Brian and believe me when I tell you that this gift says nothing about how he feels about you. It's just a thing to put in the kitchen. He thought you might want to blend something one day and that's all. ANNIE And you believe that? GEORGE Completely. He's downstairs now. His heart is breaking. Please go see him. And also, that story he told you about me and the bankbook and the swimming pool... ANNIE Yeah? What? GEORGE It's true. ANNIE Oh Brian. BRIAN Oh Annie. I'm so sorry about the blender. I see your point. It was incredibly insensitive of me. ANNIE No...It's okay. I want it. It's my first anniversary present. I'm so sorry about calling you a worm. My Dad told me everything. BRIAN When I thought I was never going to see you again. If it wasn't for your father. ANNIE I know. I know. I love you. BRIAN Me, too. GEORGE Everything fine now? Good, I'll just go... SCENE 33 BRIAN Annie! ANNIE Hi Brian. Come on up. GEORGE (VO) Well, we made it to January. It was the day before the big day. The Farmer's Almanac predicted this week was going to be the coldest L.A. had seen in over half a century. But we were so busy none of us had time to notice. SCENE 34 MATT Right, together. Left, together...Right, together. Left, together...Right, together. Left, together... GEORGE What's the matter? You're up pretty late, aren't ya? MATT Yeah. I know. I'm just practicing. I wish I didn't have to walk Mom down the aisle. GEORGE Don't worry, you'll be great. MATT Is it right together, left or left together, right? GEORGE Come on, let's try it. Let's see, we go right, together, left together. Right, together, left, together. Good. Matty. I'm sorry if I've been preoccupied lately with this wedding. MATT It's okay. GEORGE Yeah, but I have, haven't I? MATT It's all right. I understand. GEORGE Yeah, but ... MATT Yeah, you have. But I haven't felt ignored or anything. Don't worry, Dad. No permanent damage done. GEORGE Well, good. ANNIE (On the phone): It's really cute and cozy and in a great neighborhood. You'll see it. I'm really excited. But I've got all this packing to do and this room looks so different. MATT It's going to be weird, isn't it? Just you, me, and Mom here now. GEORGE Yeah. Come on. Goodnight, pal. Sleep tight. MATT Good luck tomorrow, Dad. GEORGE Yeah, you too. MATT Annie? ANNIE Yeah? MATT Goodnight. ANNIE Goodnight, Matty. I love you. MATT I love you, too. SCENE 35 ANNIE Did I wake you? GEORGE No, I was up. So what are you doing? ANNIE I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about how this was my last night in my bed...in my house...kinda like my last night as a kid. I mean, I've lived here since I was five and I feel like I'm supposed to turn in my key tomorrow. It was so strange packing up my room. You know how you have always trained me never to throw anything away. So like I have all these ratty stuffed animals and yearbooks...my old retainer...all my old magic tricks. And I actually packed it all. I just didn't want to let it go. I mean, I know I can't stay, but it's like I don't want to leave. GEORGE Well, that's the thing about life...is uh, the surprises. The little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you. Still happens to me. ANNIE Yikes. What is this? GEORGE I don't believe it. ANNIE Oh my God. Talk about surprises. GEORGE It hasn't snowed in L.A. since I was nine. ANNIE Mom's gonna die. What? What is that face? GEORGE No. Nothing. I was just thinking. ANNIE Oh, this is going to end up costing you more money. GEORGE No. How I know I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life. SCENE 36 GEORGE (VO) When you live in a city that hasn't seen snow in thirty-six years, it's bound to cause a few problems. First, we panicked and brought in extra heaters. But they were melting the ice sculptures so they had to go. The florist had to thaw out our newly planted tulips with a hair dryer. Franck and Howard shoveled our path themselves at no extra charge. FRANCK Just keep shoveling! Don't stop! GEORGE (VO) And the swans spent the morning in a lukewarm bath. Other than that, we were almost running on schedule. GEORGE Nina! It's after three! HOWARD All I can say is, thank God snow is white. It works. Know what I mean? GEORGE Sure. Franck, do you have that needle and thread? FRANCK Here you go, George. We'll fix you right up. Howard, you have to go to the church. HOWARD I'm on my way. FRANCK Oh oh. I bring the wrong color thread. I assumed you'd be wearing a black tuxedo. GEORGE It is a block tuxado. FRANCK I don't think so, babe. This tux is navy blue! GEORGE What are you talking about? Armani doesn't make a blue tuxedo. FRANCK Armani don't also make polyester. GEORGE Franck, where are the cars? We're supposed to be there by now. FRANCK Where are those cars? NINA All right. Relax, honey. Everything is going to be just fine. At least we know they can't start without us. GEORGE (VO) I knew I'd never be able to remember what Nina wore that day. But I also knew I'd never forget the way she looked. GEORGE Nina. NINA Thank you, George. GEORGE You shouldn't look this beautiful. It's not fair to the bride. FRANCK Cars is here! Matthew, front and center! MATT Just kidding. NINA What did you do to your hair, honey? MATT I gelled it. You don't like it? NINA Oh no, I think it looks...cool. GEORGE Very debonair, old boy. MATT Thank you. NINA Okay. We'll go in the first car and you and Annie follow. GEORGE Right. NINA George. GEORGE Oh, I follow. Ann! Annie? ANNIE I'm ready. Come on in. GEORGE You look beautiful. ANNIE Thanks. Okay. Let's get this show on the road. SCENE 37 GEORGE We're here! NINA Oh! ANNIE Hi! HOWARD Come on, everyone. I need the ushers first. NINA George! GEORGE Left together, right together. MATT Got it, Dad. GEORGE Let me see that. MATT See? NINA Let's do this, okay? I love you. ANNIE I love you, too. HOWARD Mother of the bride...father of the bride...we've got to go. NINA George? HOWARD Let's go. Line up. Mother of the bride? Come on, mother of the bride. Here we go. I'm opening the doors. Natashia, haven't you peeked enough? Here we go. Come on, let's go. And...left...right...very nice...Right and left...Right and left... GEORGE (VO) This was the moment I had been dreading for the past six months. Well, actually for the past twenty-two years. ANNIE Hold on, Dad. GEORGE (VO) Annie overwhelmed me. She was as calm and cool as I had ever seen her. Very unBanks-like. ANNIE Okay. REVEREND Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the presence of family, friends and loved ones, for the purpose of uniting in matrimony... GEORGE (VO) All I could think of was the part I had to play. Then suddenly I went blank. I had one line and I couldn't remember it. When the Reverend said, "Who presents this woman?" was I supposed to say, "That's me" or was it "I do"? I couldn't think. I felt every eye in place boring into the back of my neck, waiting for me to screw up, when suddenly, it was upon me. REVEREND Who presents this woman in holy matrimony? GEORGE I do. REVEREND Annie and Brian, you have come here today to join your hands... GEORGE (VO) Who presents this woman? This "woman." But she's not a woman, she's just a kid. And she's leaving us. REVEREND ...with the deep realization of it's obligations and responsibilities. GEORGE (VO) I realized at that moment that I was never going to come again and see Annie at the top of the stairs. Never going to see her again at our breakfast table in her nightgown and socks. I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and leaving us, and something inside began to hurt. REVEREND "I, Brian MacKenzie..." BRIAN I, Brian MacKenzie... REVEREND "...take thee, Annie Banks..." BRIAN ...take thee, Annie Banks... REVEREND "...to be my lawful wedded wife." BRIAN ...to be my lawful wedded wife. REVEREND "To love and to comfort from this day forward." BRIAN To love and to comfort from this day forward. REVEREND "I, Annie Banks..." ANNIE I, Annie Banks... REVEREND "...take thee, Brian MacKenzie..." ANNIE ...take thee, Brian MacKenzie..." REVEREND "...to be my lawful wedded husband." ANNIE ...to be my lawful wedded husband. REVEREND "To love and to comfort from this day forward." ANNIE To love and to comfort from this day forward. REVEREND The ring, please. "With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed." BRIAN With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed. REVEREND "With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed." ANNIE With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed. REVEREND By virtue of the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. GEORGE (VO) Well, she did it. SCENE 38 GEORGE (VO) And now as my son said, it's time to party. SCENE 39 GEORGE Hi. How are you? MAN Congratulations. GEORGE It's good to see you. WOMAN You look wonderful. GEORGE (VO) The house was busting at the seams. Everywhere I looked there were faces. Most of which, I might add, I'd never seen before. JOANNA George, I'd like you to meet the Danish relatives. GEORGE Hello! GEORGE (VO) I met Brian's Danish relatives who thanked me profusely for flying them over. Everyone was telling me what a great party it was. How beautiful the house looked. They loved the flowers, the hors d'oeuvres, the swans. We even seemed to be getting away with only two parking attendants. Everything was running smoothly except for one small detail. I still hadn't kissed the bride. GEORGE Where's Annie? NINA Annie? She's having her picture taken. GEORGE Hi Ben. How are you? PHOTO- GRAPHER Okay kids, look at each other. Very nice. Now, turn towards me, please. WAITER #1 Sorry, sir. All traffic has to go through the front door. GEORGE Oh, could I have one of those? WAITER #2 Sorry, just sold my last one. Hey, a button. It's navy. This must be yours. WAITER #3 We're moving into the tent now. Dinner is served. This way to the tent, please. GEORGE Annie! GEORGE (VO) It was unbelievable. I had never seen a line form so fast. It was as if they knew what the food was costing me. Finally, I made it into the tent. I was ready to relax and taste the food I had been hearing about for the past five months when... MATT Dad! Dad! There's some cops out front and they want to talk to you. GEORGE Cops? FRANCK I heard. We'll handle this together. I've got George. We're on our way. Come on George, pick it up...pick it up. SCENE 40 FRANCK Let me handle this, George. Give me your wallet. GEORGE Stop! What is this? MATT See Cameron? I told you. CAMERON Wow! OFFICER Is this your house? GEORGE Me? OFFICER Yeah, you. In the blue tux. GEORGE Yes. Yes it is. OFFICER Do you have a permit for parking two hundred cars on this street? FRANCK You see, the problem is, Officer, we were supposed to have four parking attendants, but uh, two got the flu. OFFICER Well, you better get these cars off this street before the Fire Marshall gets here. FRANCK Fine. Fine. Any suggestions on what we do with them? OFFICER I don't care what you do with them. Just have them off this street within the next thirty minutes. FRANCK Will do, Sir. We'll take care of it. You're not to worry. Okay? Oh, uh George...they need me inside. The big moment. The cake is being wheeled out. GEORGE I'll...I'll handle it. Where are we going to get a couple of extra drivers? CAMERON By the way, great wedding, Mr. Banks. And don't worry. I didn't eat anything. GEORGE That makes two of us. SCENE 41 ANNIE Where is he? NINA I don't know. SCENE 42 George realizes that he has to turn off all of the car's headlights. SCENE 43 GEORGE (VO) Well, I had to admit it. The wedding appeared to be a complete success. Now all I needed to make me happy was a dance with the bride. HOWARD It's time. BAND- LEADER Ladies and gentlemen. In a just a few moments, Mrs. Annie Banks- MacKenzie will be tossing her bouquet in the foyer, and then she's off to Hawaii. GEORGE (VO) This I was not going to miss. The mob was headed through the living room, so I decided to take a shortcut. SCENE 44 ANNIE Where's my Dad? BRIAN I don't know. I haven't seen him. ANNIE Should I throw it? NINA He missed it. GEORGE (VO) She was gone. My Annie was gone and I was too late to say good-bye. SCENE 45 GEORGE (VO) When the last guest was gone and the last glass of champagne had been drunk, we surveyed the damage. GEORGE It's funny how empty a house can suddenly get, isn't it? NINA I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to say good-bye to her, George. GEORGE Oh, that's all right. NINA But you know, I think that she's going to be really happy. GEORGE Oh yeah. Sure. (On telephone): Hello? ANNIE Dad? GEORGE Hi! Where are you? ANNIE At the airport. Our plane's about to take off, but I couldn't leave without saying good-bye. Thank Mom for everything, okay? And Dad? I love you. I love you very much. GEORGE I love you, too, Sweetheart. Thanks for calling. And have a great honeymoon. ANNIE Thanks. I will. Bye. GEORGE That was Annie. NINA Oh.